eeeeeeeeee aaaaaaa big content warning

This post will cover lots of sensitive topics. Reader discretion is advised. 

Content warning for sexual mention stuff, mental health stuff, murder, csa (I guess?), more mental health shit, and drugs/addiction. I think that’s it. (*Everything listed after the first time I put “mental health” is only put in fictional contexts.)  

+ Oh and I swear a lot in this post. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wtf is wrong with me? Wtf am I doing? wtf— 

Why—

Why did I suddenly remember a few minutes before I decided to make this post about those specific horny Duke posts I wrote? 

I’m— 

😳 No! No linking to those posts. I shall not. 😠😤

(These emojis better show up, I swear to [redacted].) 

Uhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhggghggdgsgsgsgahha

Why the fuck have I been feeling so physically 🦏🐃🐂 

(What the fuck does that mean, Shan?)

Shh. Be quiet, hypothetical blog viewer. 

Me? Feeling like a liar and a fraud? More likely than you think! 

*has identity crisis TM* fuck. 

hhhhhhhh orny ////////

My mind. My body. Disconnected. 

idkwhymybodydecidedtofeelsodamnhornytodaylike??myheadissomewherelseeandmybodyislikehornyandit’sneverbeentothisextentbeforesoisthishowallosfeel??wtfisthisandwhywon’tthisfeelingleave??i’msodesperatefordopaminethati’lldoanythingican.ididthingsididn’tdobeforecoughcoughanywayishouldbehospitalizedorputinjaillmfaoifeellikei’mgoinginsanei’msickinthehead.

: } 🔪 🗡 🔫 weaponsssssssssssssssssexy { : 

ANYWAY—

My mental health has been absolute shit lately. I’m losing it, lads. 

I have anxiety/panic attacks, sensory overload, fast mood swings, and seconds to minutes straight where I zone out pretty often now. 

Shit. I’ve been staring blankly at the closet thing in my college dorm for around a minute, and I forgot what I was going to say next. 😶😐

Earlier this week, I felt dizzy a lot. But also not dizzy. It felt like my brain left my head, and fog and static filled the hole in my head. Since my brain left it. That’s what it felt like. I’m not even kidding. That’s how it felt. And no, I wasn’t even moving when these moments of dizziness hit. I was just lying on my bed when suddenly my brain felt like it was either spinning in circles in my head or left my head. 

Haha! That sure was disorienting! ;P

I’m real. I exist. I’m real. I exist. *starts crying* 

Yes, I’m bitter that they got rid of the air conditioning in my dorm building (and obviously my room). It’s been in the 60s and 70s Fahrenheit this week. Temperature in the 60s feels warm to me. Having a small fan and the windows opened barely helped me feel any better. Today hasn’t been as bad. But earlier this week? Oh gosh, that was awful. I felt like I was suffocating in my dorm. I swear the heat made me dizzy and have headaches. 

Yes, ugh, I have been sleeping and drinking water. Ok. Goddddd 🙄

........ it’s murder time! 😈 🔪 

haha jk. unless 😳 

I’m kidding. Probably.

My shitty father character who doesn’t deserve to be called a father because he’s so shitty and terrible, Z. He, you see, was a murderer. Well, sort of. 

Unlike Fierdan, who I emphasized so many times on here already that he violently killed Z himself (damn, that’s fucked up, yo!), Z had lots of social power that he ordered people who worked for him to kill people for him. Z ordered people to kill lots of other people. Z probably never killed anyone himself though. 

I guess the term for Z is being involved in several murders by proxy. And he was the one who ordered for the murders to be committed. 

People included in the list of deaths Z ordered for include C (the mother of Ryen, Fierdan, and Dawn) and C’s new husband (Dawn’s father). Yes. Z sunk that low. Z had no ounce of empathy, sympathy, or compassion in his soul. 

Fun fact! ;) If I think of everything Z did, I risk having intrusive thoughts and feeling sick to my stomach. Fun fun fun!!!!!! ;D (i’mnolongerfeelinghornyfornodamnreason)

Z did very fucked up things. I hate him. He is the scum of my story universe. If he was buried in a grave in the earth, I like to imagine Fierdan and Ryen pissing on his grave. :-) 

............. csa stands for childhoodsexualabuse 

In addition to all the homicides he ordered for, Z was also a child abuser. He abused his sons and Dawn (who pretty much should’ve filled the role of daughter for him). A lot. 

Z was a terrible, terrible man. >:( 

....... Z was a child molester. He molested at least one child. Dawn. 

Not because of sexual attraction or desire. Oh, no no no. Z wasn’t a pedophile. He only decided to sexually abuse her because he had so much more power and control over her. 

Dawn was a filthy rag to Z. He felt like he could use her as he pleased. 

Z might’ve also sexually abused Ryen when he was younger before Dawn became part of their lives. But in a, well, different way. 

I can’t even go into extreme details because the story ideas for this stuff is very disturbing (as you can probably imagine lol). This stuff could like actually trigger me. But it’s part of my characters’ histories anyway! Because I said so. Fuck my mental health. Who gives a fuck about me? I sure don’t. 

Pre-Fierdan (Kid Danny) being the sweet and naive boy that he was sure was oblivious to the horrors his brother and half-sister faced. :’( 

So yes. A reason Fierdan killed Z was for him to take revenge on Z for all the horrific acts Z did to Dawn and Ryen. 

I’ve touched on Fierdan having PTSD, and I want to emphasize that Ryen and Dawn also have PTSD. They just show symptoms differently. They’re all severely traumatized. 

All because of Z. 😠 🔪 

Mental health shit (continued):

I’m having a hard time deciding whether I should make Fierdan have depression in addition to his PTSD.. or bipolar disorder. Hmm....... yeah, I don’t fucking know what to do for him. 

I know Ryen has depression, specifically major depressive disorder, in addition to his PTSD. He’s also a recovering alcoholic. He used to suffer from alcoholism. 

Then in a rehab center, he met Jack. They got to know each other well. Especially regarding their addictions. For a long while, they’ve helped each other out on their journeys to try and quit their addictions. They held each other accountable. 

And it’s ja boi time! ;D 

All I know for sure is that Jack has ADHD and is a recovering (at least he’s trying his best) drug addict. 

He didn’t really cope with his ADHD and get properly treated for it when he should’ve had. Instead of getting proper medication for his ADHD, he sought street drugs. 

I’m still not entirely sure which drug or drugs Jack used and eventually got addicted to. Probably stimulants. 

Jack is also a smoker, but he only smokes occasionally when Fierdan (and company lol) enter the picture. Or when Jack enters the picture. It doesn’t matter.

......... I’m leaning towards having Jack be a cocaine addict. And possibly addicted to other drugs. But yeah. I don’t know shit. 

That’s it. I’m done. 

College makes me want to kms. *knife emoji knife emoji knife emoji knife emoji* 

🔪🔪🔪🔪

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Oh shit. I forgot to mention that Dawn has a dissociative disorder. I’m not that sure which one she exactly has. But she has one. I know that much. 

🙂🙃🙂🙃🙂🙃🙂🙃

Bye— 

— Shan

Enchanted Dance: Jack + Fierdan / Duke + Stella

 Hi. Time for another post. Yes. 

I found stuff that makes me want to impulsively create a post now. 

Hahahahahahah~ hi! ;D

I found this Picrew around 1 am. I just had to do it. 

hhhhhnnnggghfffhfhfgghghghh

*adds music so you all can Experience what I do*

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Picrew link: Shall we dance?

😙😚😳

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1) Jack and Fierdan ballroom dancing. 

This is how I imagine them ballroom dancing. Mm, they sure are dressed nice and fancy. 

And here is music that gives me JackXFierdan romantic ballroom dancing vibes. 

-x-x- -x-x- -x-x- -x-x-

We Have It All~ Pim Stones

Something in Me, Something in You~ Gemini

My Escape~ Ravenscode

Neon Lights~ Pim Stones

SLOW DANCING IN THE DARK~ Joji

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2) Duke and Stella (Twinkle) ballroom dancing.

Yes, it's based on Stella's dream. Am I obsessed with it? Hmm mm... maybe.

Information can be found at: http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2020/06/haunted-dance-wip.html and http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2020/06/dancing-and-kissing-in-dreamscape.html

:') <3 ♪♩🎵♪♩🎵♪♩🎵

I know I already put songs in one of those posts, but here, have more. 

-x-x- -x-x- -x-x- -x-x- 

For Elise~ Beethoven (piano cover)

(the same song as above. the vibes~ <3)

(Yes, there is a Reason why it's only piano music.)

Dark Piano - Liar ~ Lucas King

(I started listening to more of his songs. Ahhhhhh—)

Can't Help Falling in Love (cover - Dark Version)~ Tommee Profitt (feat. brooke)

(Never mind. I'm adding songs other than piano only ones. *gets mesmerized by songs I'm finding*)

Wicked Game~ Ursine Vulpine

Pyrokinesis~ 7Chariot // Actually, this song fits Duke/Fierdan dancing with both Stella and Jack.

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💖💖💖💖

Picrew Spam :)

I've been feeling better yesterday and today so far. I have lots of new different Picrew pictures, so I'm putting them into this post. Enjoy, I guess. *shrugs*

(Sorry in advance for any odd spacing.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1) https://picrew.me/image_maker/415156

Duck! 

Duck is full of love. <3

The witch hat and the duck bandana. Top tier fashion choice for mother duck, I must say.

The chicks and the random cat on the back of the duck. Hehe, they're cute. :3

2) https://picrew.me/image_maker/406707

They are friends. Miss Frog, Miss Mouse, and Miss Crow. They're lovely ladies. :)

(let me guess: so much blank space)

3) I can't find the Picrew links for these. :(

(blank space, baby~)

Top one is me, of course. :)

Bottom one is a monster/cryptid I designed. I like the design. >:')

Yes, yes...

4) https://picrew.me/image_maker/444745

It's me! 

Aro mood me. My bitter aro self. 

I'm aromantic! 😤💚

I want pride pins...

The hoodies I chose for my avatars are based on hoodies are actually have. Fun fact. ;) (ok it's not that fun. whatever.)

Yeah. Uhhhhhhh.............

Peace. ✌

5) https://picrew.me/image_maker/487820

Haha, I'm a waterbender. (this one is based off the the world of Avatar the Last Airbender) :D

I usually get waterbender when I take "what bender are you?" online quizzes. Waterbending is cool. 

The face. I love it lmao.

~ even more blank space ~

~ blank space, baby ~

💬💬💬💬💬💬💬

I took this picture around 10 days ago. 

Red neck. Creepy. 

Made me look like I was choking myself. 

I didn't. 

Uh..... ok.

(pic from snapchat. duh ^)

Me,, me. 😳

anyway—

*goes take a nap* 

hhhhh aaaaaaaaaa

Hi. Here’s an update. Because why not.

I’ve been ignoring this blog lately. I’ve been telling myself to not check it when I’m not feeling well. But here’s the thing: more days than not, I’m not doing so well.

I’m not mentally well. I’ve been very mentally unstable ever since my dog died. I still get moments when I feel very sad. 

I’m falling into a depression pit. Again. 

I’ve had several anxiety attacks over the past few weeks. On some days, I had a few anxiety attacks each day. My anxiety was extremely high. I’m still full of anxiety. I’m also constantly stressed. 

I feel like I’m going insane. 

I probably have misophonia / sensitivity issues. Some sounds that I can’t control physically hurt my ears and my thoughts range from being annoyed at the person/people making the sounds to getting homicidal thoughts. Noises are painful. I hate being so overly sensitive. It hurts. 

I’ve also been questioning/wondering whether or not I have ADHD. Or that I’m neurodivergent in general. As the days go by, I lean more towards thinking I am. 

And, for the past few weeks, I really started questioning whether I possibly have OCD. I won’t go that into it now, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately. 

I get very terrible intrusive thoughts. They’re about truly horrific things. I’ve had intrusive thoughts for years. I only started really opening up about mine to a friend recently. 

I might possibly have obsessions and do compulsions. Usually mental compulsions. So, not anything stereotypically associated with OCD.

Apparently, my thoughts and how I react to them isn’t “normal” ?? that’s wack. People don’t react the way I do when I get intrusive thoughts? They don’t stick around in people’s heads and bother people? Huh?!?!

I had many anxiety attacks over college stuff and the possibility that I could have OCD. 

I’m falling behind in some of my college classes. I have late assignments. Which are essays. I sent in late papers that were a month late for one and two weeks late for another two. I got A’s on them. Thankfully? idk. 

I still have late papers. Very late. I’m falling behind. The assignments keep piling up. 

I feel like I’m failing. I feel like a failure. I’m so guilty. I always feel guilty. I feel like a vile person for my thoughts. I’m full of regrets. 

And yes. It is ironic that I have story ideas for Duke, Fierdan, Calliah, Dawn, Ryen, and Z. If you knew what kinds of intrusive thoughts I get, you would understand. But am I explaining those? Haha, no way. I am a living contradiction. I swear I am. 

Anyway, I hate college. I don’t know why I’m here. I feel like a filthy parasite. 

I feel so much. I feel so little. I’m happy. I’m sad. I’m tired. I’m energetic. Mood swings. I constantly have mood swings. Up, down, up, down, up, down. I want off this rollercoaster. 

I don’t know stability. I haven’t known stability since I learned she died. Some days are better than others, but most days are still full of crap. 

I miss her so much. There’s an empty place in my chest where she used to be. My chest and heart feel empty more often these days. I feel like I can’t properly breathe a lot too. It’s the anxiety. It’s the grief. I know. 

Sometimes the front of my neck looks red. It looks like I strangled myself. I didn’t. There’s a red line wrapping around the front of my neck, over my throat. It freaks me out. Sometimes. 

Past tense. Present tense. idk wtf i am doing. 

hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa :•) 

Bye. 

Another Week Later

........... another week later—

Hi, I'm back for part 3 of the Picrew I've been using in the past few posts. 

Again, here's the link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/332600

I'll just get into it. Sorry in advance for any weird spacing. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sparkle. <3 (or Sabrina. I still call her Sparkle. Don't we all?)

She loves pink. 💖

That outfit. That looks hot. 

That hair color is how I imagine hers. I really like it.

Those heart glasses and earrings. That pink choker. That lipstick color. Those clothes.

Fashion icon. ;)

Yes...

Finny. 

What is he looking at? I have no idea.

He's a suspicious boy.

He doesn't trust. He doesn't trust you. 

Fine, whatever, I don't trust him either. :/

He's always on his phone. *smh*

He looks so plain and boring. 

"This is a T-shirt" yes, Finny, it sure is.

This is Stella's (Twinkle's) sister. 

Yes, younger sister. Every time I design her, I swear she looks like the older sister. XD

I'm not attached to her name being Hailey. I'm thinking of it being Luna..? I don't know.

I still call her Fauna, haha. I don't even like calling her that.

Eh.. oh well. 

She's pretty. :)

She likes shades of light pink, light purple, and light blue. 

This flirty gay boy. Those piercings. That eyeliner. That heart choker. <3 ;)

I mean.. hey, it's Jack. ja boi 😚😙

I designed him before Sparkle. He doesn't usually have his hair dyed this color, but I like it. He looks good with this hair color. ;D

His thoughts are full of love. That heart speech bubble looks cute. 💕

And of course, he's wearing a flannel. What a fashion icon. I love him. :')

The next two characters are ones I never designed before in a Picrew. I really like the art style in this Picrew, so I decided to design them too. I guess this can help you guys visualize what these characters look like. 

heh, heh, heh..... :)

Here's Dylan. He's aro. He's a trans guy. 

He's bitter like coffee. Is he even drinking coffee? Maybe it's actually bubble tea. I don't know. 

He's my water boy blue. :') 

His hair color is dirty blond with light blue or teal colored hair dye mixed in. Eh, this is good enough. I like this hair style for him. 

The colors of the sea in him. He is water boy. 

Fierdan annoys him. He eventually becomes Stella's best friend. (no romo,, obviously)

So yeah. Dyl. :)

Here's E. E uses they/them pronouns. They're nonbinary and pansexual. 

I'm thinking of making E's name (because their name isn't just E lol) be Elias. 

Their outfits. The vibes. I'm in love. :)

E likes black, dark gray, and dark purple. Those are their favorite colors. I don't know why I'm mentioning my characters' favorite colors in this post. 

Haha uh........ them! 💜

They don't always wear beads in their hair. I just like this hair style for them.

And that's all the characters I have designed for this Picrew. 

yeah lol that's it. finally done. 

bye bye bye 

~ Shan ❤

It's October 3rd

 Hi. I haven't made a post in a while. Again.

It's October now. It's October 3rd. It's Mean Girls day and Fullmetal Alchemist day. And Techies day. 

So many days! This is overwhelming...

........... ahem,,,,,,,.,......,.,.,.,.,.,.

I used the anime filter on Snapchat a while back. I love how I look different in every picture I took of myself with that filter. I look like an anime boy in all of them except in the first picture. Nice. XD

;) who dis? it's me. ;D

~ blank space, baby ~

All of these are me, I swear. The many anime faces of Shan. XD

I love how the hair color changed, even though I took all these pictures in the span of a few minutes while sitting in the same spot. Anime hair logic be like. (I love it lmao)

The second picture reminds me of a boy main character in a school anime. The hair style, the glasses... I have the looks for it. XD

The fourth one. I... I love it. It's great. What an amazing anime face. 10/10. *claps*

And the last one looks cute. It reminds me of the boy sidekick, funny guy character in an anime. The anime eyes... I love. :)

This makes my nonbinary self happy. :)

-x-x- -x-x- -x-x-

Onto another topic! >:O

The Picrew link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/332600

Part 2! ;)

(Sorry in advance if there's a lot of blank space. Formatting pictures and typing words on Blogger is a bit of a hassle.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ryen. Here's grumpy man. He looks so annoyed, haha. Gotta admit, he looks cute. My aroace man. Ryen and I are one in the same. Aro? Ace? Hell yeah. 

 

And of course, here's Fierdan the edgelord bi bitch. He kinda looks like a kpop star here. Haha omg, can you imagine? :'D The shirt says "IS THIS BLACK ENOUGH?" and it reminds me of Fierdan. He would totally wear that shirt. Fierdan, why do you have to look seductive? Damn it, fire man. :/ ;)

Here's demonic form Duke. Guys with all-black eyes. I love that. Damn, that's hot. *blows kiss* Oh and can it be? Duke is more edgy than Fierdan? Perhaps. The deep scratch marks over his heart. Ohohohohohhhh yessssss~. Anyway, this is when Duke becomes more like Soulless. Less human-like; more demon-like. Duke sure is a boy of tragedy. Oof.

And here is Soulless, the demonic bastard (who's also supposed to be genderless). I like how I designed them in this Picrew. I imagine them looking like this. >:) .... Yikes! I hate it! Shoos Soulless away. >:( (I use they/them and it/its pronouns for Soulless.) The dark background and the spider web fits Soulless pretty well, I must say. Those black claws,, that spiked collar,, yes. Picrew version of showing Soulless and Duke as demons / non-human characters. Oh yes. Yes. >:3

I know this looks like female!Fierdan, but I intended this to be long-haired Fierdan in Cincernum. When he's always with Soulless (*points to Soulless I designed on this Picrew ^*). The black choker can also be like the black goop choking him, wrapping around his throat. I think Fierdan can look pretty androgynous, especially when he has long hair and wears it down. Fierdan is trapped in the web of lies and manipulation. Mm, symbolism. ;) .... Those scratches on his cheek though. Ouch, that looks painful. Fierdan suffered lots of pain while in Cincernum. Someone save him. Please. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll continue showing even more of my characters I designed in this Picrew in another post. 

I know, I know. You guys have to wait even longer. 

Oh well. Deal with it. 

-x-x- -x-x- -x-x- 

No. We're not keeping it personal in tonight's post. I am not vulnerable. I am unknowable. 

At least I try to be. 

But I'm not. I'm really not. 

Ok! Until the next post, whenever that will be...

~ Shan