hhhhh aaaaaaaaaa

Hi. Here’s an update. Because why not.

I’ve been ignoring this blog lately. I’ve been telling myself to not check it when I’m not feeling well. But here’s the thing: more days than not, I’m not doing so well.

I’m not mentally well. I’ve been very mentally unstable ever since my dog died. I still get moments when I feel very sad. 

I’m falling into a depression pit. Again. 

I’ve had several anxiety attacks over the past few weeks. On some days, I had a few anxiety attacks each day. My anxiety was extremely high. I’m still full of anxiety. I’m also constantly stressed. 

I feel like I’m going insane. 

I probably have misophonia / sensitivity issues. Some sounds that I can’t control physically hurt my ears and my thoughts range from being annoyed at the person/people making the sounds to getting homicidal thoughts. Noises are painful. I hate being so overly sensitive. It hurts. 

I’ve also been questioning/wondering whether or not I have ADHD. Or that I’m neurodivergent in general. As the days go by, I lean more towards thinking I am. 

And, for the past few weeks, I really started questioning whether I possibly have OCD. I won’t go that into it now, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately. 

I get very terrible intrusive thoughts. They’re about truly horrific things. I’ve had intrusive thoughts for years. I only started really opening up about mine to a friend recently. 

I might possibly have obsessions and do compulsions. Usually mental compulsions. So, not anything stereotypically associated with OCD.

Apparently, my thoughts and how I react to them isn’t “normal” ?? that’s wack. People don’t react the way I do when I get intrusive thoughts? They don’t stick around in people’s heads and bother people? Huh?!?!

I had many anxiety attacks over college stuff and the possibility that I could have OCD. 

I’m falling behind in some of my college classes. I have late assignments. Which are essays. I sent in late papers that were a month late for one and two weeks late for another two. I got A’s on them. Thankfully? idk. 

I still have late papers. Very late. I’m falling behind. The assignments keep piling up. 

I feel like I’m failing. I feel like a failure. I’m so guilty. I always feel guilty. I feel like a vile person for my thoughts. I’m full of regrets. 

And yes. It is ironic that I have story ideas for Duke, Fierdan, Calliah, Dawn, Ryen, and Z. If you knew what kinds of intrusive thoughts I get, you would understand. But am I explaining those? Haha, no way. I am a living contradiction. I swear I am. 

Anyway, I hate college. I don’t know why I’m here. I feel like a filthy parasite. 

I feel so much. I feel so little. I’m happy. I’m sad. I’m tired. I’m energetic. Mood swings. I constantly have mood swings. Up, down, up, down, up, down. I want off this rollercoaster. 

I don’t know stability. I haven’t known stability since I learned she died. Some days are better than others, but most days are still full of crap. 

I miss her so much. There’s an empty place in my chest where she used to be. My chest and heart feel empty more often these days. I feel like I can’t properly breathe a lot too. It’s the anxiety. It’s the grief. I know. 

Sometimes the front of my neck looks red. It looks like I strangled myself. I didn’t. There’s a red line wrapping around the front of my neck, over my throat. It freaks me out. Sometimes. 

Past tense. Present tense. idk wtf i am doing. 

hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa :•) 

Bye.