eeeeeeeeee aaaaaaa big content warning

This post will cover lots of sensitive topics. Reader discretion is advised. 

Content warning for sexual mention stuff, mental health stuff, murder, csa (I guess?), more mental health shit, and drugs/addiction. I think that’s it. (*Everything listed after the first time I put “mental health” is only put in fictional contexts.)  

+ Oh and I swear a lot in this post. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wtf is wrong with me? Wtf am I doing? wtf— 

Why—

Why did I suddenly remember a few minutes before I decided to make this post about those specific horny Duke posts I wrote? 

I’m— 

😳 No! No linking to those posts. I shall not. 😠😤

(These emojis better show up, I swear to [redacted].) 

Uhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhggghggdgsgsgsgahha

Why the fuck have I been feeling so physically 🦏🐃🐂 

(What the fuck does that mean, Shan?)

Shh. Be quiet, hypothetical blog viewer. 

Me? Feeling like a liar and a fraud? More likely than you think! 

*has identity crisis TM* fuck. 

hhhhhhhh orny ////////

My mind. My body. Disconnected. 

idkwhymybodydecidedtofeelsodamnhornytodaylike??myheadissomewherelseeandmybodyislikehornyandit’sneverbeentothisextentbeforesoisthishowallosfeel??wtfisthisandwhywon’tthisfeelingleave??i’msodesperatefordopaminethati’lldoanythingican.ididthingsididn’tdobeforecoughcoughanywayishouldbehospitalizedorputinjaillmfaoifeellikei’mgoinginsanei’msickinthehead.

: } 🔪 🗡 🔫 weaponsssssssssssssssssexy { : 

ANYWAY—

My mental health has been absolute shit lately. I’m losing it, lads. 

I have anxiety/panic attacks, sensory overload, fast mood swings, and seconds to minutes straight where I zone out pretty often now. 

Shit. I’ve been staring blankly at the closet thing in my college dorm for around a minute, and I forgot what I was going to say next. 😶😐

Earlier this week, I felt dizzy a lot. But also not dizzy. It felt like my brain left my head, and fog and static filled the hole in my head. Since my brain left it. That’s what it felt like. I’m not even kidding. That’s how it felt. And no, I wasn’t even moving when these moments of dizziness hit. I was just lying on my bed when suddenly my brain felt like it was either spinning in circles in my head or left my head. 

Haha! That sure was disorienting! ;P

I’m real. I exist. I’m real. I exist. *starts crying* 

Yes, I’m bitter that they got rid of the air conditioning in my dorm building (and obviously my room). It’s been in the 60s and 70s Fahrenheit this week. Temperature in the 60s feels warm to me. Having a small fan and the windows opened barely helped me feel any better. Today hasn’t been as bad. But earlier this week? Oh gosh, that was awful. I felt like I was suffocating in my dorm. I swear the heat made me dizzy and have headaches. 

Yes, ugh, I have been sleeping and drinking water. Ok. Goddddd 🙄

........ it’s murder time! 😈 🔪 

haha jk. unless 😳 

I’m kidding. Probably.

My shitty father character who doesn’t deserve to be called a father because he’s so shitty and terrible, Z. He, you see, was a murderer. Well, sort of. 

Unlike Fierdan, who I emphasized so many times on here already that he violently killed Z himself (damn, that’s fucked up, yo!), Z had lots of social power that he ordered people who worked for him to kill people for him. Z ordered people to kill lots of other people. Z probably never killed anyone himself though. 

I guess the term for Z is being involved in several murders by proxy. And he was the one who ordered for the murders to be committed. 

People included in the list of deaths Z ordered for include C (the mother of Ryen, Fierdan, and Dawn) and C’s new husband (Dawn’s father). Yes. Z sunk that low. Z had no ounce of empathy, sympathy, or compassion in his soul. 

Fun fact! ;) If I think of everything Z did, I risk having intrusive thoughts and feeling sick to my stomach. Fun fun fun!!!!!! ;D (i’mnolongerfeelinghornyfornodamnreason)

Z did very fucked up things. I hate him. He is the scum of my story universe. If he was buried in a grave in the earth, I like to imagine Fierdan and Ryen pissing on his grave. :-) 

............. csa stands for childhoodsexualabuse 

In addition to all the homicides he ordered for, Z was also a child abuser. He abused his sons and Dawn (who pretty much should’ve filled the role of daughter for him). A lot. 

Z was a terrible, terrible man. >:( 

....... Z was a child molester. He molested at least one child. Dawn. 

Not because of sexual attraction or desire. Oh, no no no. Z wasn’t a pedophile. He only decided to sexually abuse her because he had so much more power and control over her. 

Dawn was a filthy rag to Z. He felt like he could use her as he pleased. 

Z might’ve also sexually abused Ryen when he was younger before Dawn became part of their lives. But in a, well, different way. 

I can’t even go into extreme details because the story ideas for this stuff is very disturbing (as you can probably imagine lol). This stuff could like actually trigger me. But it’s part of my characters’ histories anyway! Because I said so. Fuck my mental health. Who gives a fuck about me? I sure don’t. 

Pre-Fierdan (Kid Danny) being the sweet and naive boy that he was sure was oblivious to the horrors his brother and half-sister faced. :’( 

So yes. A reason Fierdan killed Z was for him to take revenge on Z for all the horrific acts Z did to Dawn and Ryen. 

I’ve touched on Fierdan having PTSD, and I want to emphasize that Ryen and Dawn also have PTSD. They just show symptoms differently. They’re all severely traumatized. 

All because of Z. 😠 🔪 

Mental health shit (continued):

I’m having a hard time deciding whether I should make Fierdan have depression in addition to his PTSD.. or bipolar disorder. Hmm....... yeah, I don’t fucking know what to do for him. 

I know Ryen has depression, specifically major depressive disorder, in addition to his PTSD. He’s also a recovering alcoholic. He used to suffer from alcoholism. 

Then in a rehab center, he met Jack. They got to know each other well. Especially regarding their addictions. For a long while, they’ve helped each other out on their journeys to try and quit their addictions. They held each other accountable. 

And it’s ja boi time! ;D 

All I know for sure is that Jack has ADHD and is a recovering (at least he’s trying his best) drug addict. 

He didn’t really cope with his ADHD and get properly treated for it when he should’ve had. Instead of getting proper medication for his ADHD, he sought street drugs. 

I’m still not entirely sure which drug or drugs Jack used and eventually got addicted to. Probably stimulants. 

Jack is also a smoker, but he only smokes occasionally when Fierdan (and company lol) enter the picture. Or when Jack enters the picture. It doesn’t matter.

......... I’m leaning towards having Jack be a cocaine addict. And possibly addicted to other drugs. But yeah. I don’t know shit. 

That’s it. I’m done. 

College makes me want to kms. *knife emoji knife emoji knife emoji knife emoji* 

🔪🔪🔪🔪

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Oh shit. I forgot to mention that Dawn has a dissociative disorder. I’m not that sure which one she exactly has. But she has one. I know that much. 

🙂🙃🙂🙃🙂🙃🙂🙃

Bye— 

— Shan