end of april / end of me

Well then. It’s April 30th. It’s the last day of April. 

Wow. That was fucked up. 

College is killing my ass. I’m drowning in work. I’m so done with this shit. I can’t stand it. I can’t take it. I’m losing it, y’all. 

My mind and body are so weird. They make no sense. I am an illogical being. 

How come April was simultaneously a month that felt so long yet so short? Long and short at the same time? What is this? 

Time isn’t real. Time doesn’t exist. I only know what day it is because of what classes I have on which days. Which means Friday, Saturday, and Sunday don’t exist. 

I’m not proofreading this. I’m tired of reading. I read all day, every day. I’m exhausted of reading words. Let me speak! Let me say some meaningless shit! God!! 

I keep on having intense dreams that fuck me up. Go to sleep; go to hell. Cycle repeats and repeats and repeats—

Living is so fucked up. Like. What is the point? 

It’s hard for me to accept that she’s gone. She’s fucking gone. 

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck !!!!!!!!!

I’m either in denial or acceptance. The stages of grief switch between the two. 

Can’t go to that nursing home again to visit her. Won’t hear her ask me questions about university. No more activities. No more hearing her ask from grandpa. 

No more no more no more no more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is a hole in my chest and stomach. I don’t know how to fill it. Nothing fills it. 

I’m paranoid that a heart attack is going to kill me. 

Drink water. Eat a meal. Drink water. Drink. Drink. Eat a snack. Eat. Drink. Sleep. 

The hunger, the thirst, the weariness doesn’t fade. My mind is (was) foggy. Focusing is hard. I have concentration issues. I wasn’t a normal child. 

After dinner, I went to my room and read an act in Hamlet. After reading that, my mind felt less foggy. I felt less like I was in a blur. After reading Hamlet of all things. 

What the fuck. 

My cursed brain reading Hamlet: You know what? Fierdan is like the opposite of Hamlet. Because Fierdan killed his father. I should write an essay about Fierdan (and maybe Duke as well) and characters from Shakespeare’s plays at an obscure hour like 3 or 4 am. Macbeth and Hamlet come to mind. I’m a legend. 

What the actual fuck. 

To be honest, I’ve been starting to miss the rude comments people made on my weight when I was younger. A little kid. I miss her comments on my thin and bony arms. 

I miss how she was before she got sick. Very sick. 

People commenting on my weight fucked me up. I’m paranoid. I’ve been underweight my entire childhood since the moment I was born. Weight wears me down and defines me. 

I miss her talking about my weight. I miss it. It hurts. 

This probably sounds like gibberish. But there is meaning in this. Life is meaningful. Yet I’m meaningless. 

I won’t hear her again. Grandma passed away before her time. Fuck covid-19. 

Over a million confirmed cases of covid-19 in the USA. Fuck! Increasing number of confirmed cases in my county and town. Fuck! 

*imagines Fierdan shouting “Fuck!”* hell yeah! 

How much water do I have to drink to satisfy my body? I drank a lot of water today. 

Hmm. Perhaps I’ll drown. 

I think I’ll do that. 

(I don’t recommend drowning. Please don’t.) 

I’m illogical and meaningless. 

I wasn’t a normal child. I wasn’t a normal child. I wasn’t normal. 

I’m not a normal person. I’m not normal. 

For the past several months, I’ve been contemplating back and forth with myself possibly having ADHD. 

I’m surprised I never rambled about that on here yet. 

So here I am. (lol) 

On tumblr and habitica, I’m like that all the time. Always bringing this stuff up. 

Signs and symptoms. Signs and symptoms. This isn’t new. This isn’t a fad. 

I just want to know if I’m a fucked up loser who’s lazy and can’t be saved. Or if I’m not. 

Why can’t I be normal? 

Lately, I’ve been walking in circles. Literally. Just pacing in circles. My body needs to move. I’m not stagnant. I have to move. You can’t confine me. You can’t define me. I can’t define me. 

I have so many thoughts going through my head at once. At the same time, I’m zoned out. 

Zoned out during the Zoom meeting. I’m totally out of it. 

I think I’m made of fire. I can feel fire inside of me. Not in a metaphorical way. I mean literally. It feels like fire. I feel my insides burning. I’m burning. 

I had a dream I had a concussion. I woke up with a headache. 

What the fuck does any of this mean, Shan? Hold on. Let the vibes wash over you. 

Wash... Oh shit, you’re right. Thanks, the small functional part of my rational side of my brain. 

I should take another shower. Wash the dirt and sweat of staying inside all day. 

Rainy weather makes me feel weird. The rain messes me up. Bad. 

Water. Drink water. Drink your sorrows. Away, away. 

How come I still feel dehydrated? What the fuck is your problem, body? 

Well then. I guess it’s time I go drown. 

.......... I’m starting to really miss therapy. 

But it’s not like I can go back. 

Fuck money. Fuck this fucking coronavirus. 

Oh, the woes of being me. The afflictions of being human. 

It’s the end of April. The death of April. 

And of me. 

Duke but...

It’s Picrew time! This one made me laugh. Why—

If you can’t tell from the title, I made Duke from the avatar maker thing.

he. hehe hehe hehe. he!

Link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/81574

So here’s Duke but with long hair and he’s drunk. Long-haired drunk Duke. Yes.

(lmao why)
(because i can >:3)

lol look at this guy.

Dude, you look wasted. Duke, honey....,,,,,,, 

(i’m so sorry...)

ok that’s it. bye now. 

trying to draw again...

... and it's vent art.

(mm omg)

I've been in an artsy mood for around the past hour. I didn't draw anything new in who knows how long.

And so, I have tried to art.

I'm going to try to make this a finished piece, but I'm not making any promises on that.

Hmm. So this is what I can draw in 10 minutes. Not bad for someone who hasn't really sketched anything new in a while, I suppose.

<3 </3

Yeah. That might be me. 

I don't know for sure. I don't know anything. Heck, I don't know what I'm doing.

Prepare to be spammed with lots of short posts. 

lol bye-

Twinkle’s Birthday :)

Hi. Today is April 23rd. Know what that means?

It’s Twinkle’s birthday! :D

Twinkle’s/Stella’s birthday!

What’s her name? Both. Both are.

Ayy nice! :)

I’ve been listening to her music playlist today.

It’s good. Y’all should listen to it. ;D

haha ahaha ahh yes

Now I’m going to insert some of my favorite versions of her I made through avatar makers.

:3 bluey blue bop :P

<3 <3 <3 <3

Pictures. Heck yeah! XD 

Happy birthday. :’)

very short update post kinda

Yeah. What the title says, basically. ^ 

I’m still sad and grieving and all that. Listening to music helps me cope. That’s all there is to it. 

Because of social distancing and all, only my parents attended the funeral in-person. My sister and I just watched it from her computer at home (there was a video for it).

Not being to a funeral of a pretty close family member in-person... it’s kinda surreal. It’s so strange. 

Oh, the funeral was this morning. It was a short service just at the funeral parlor. Or whatever that place is called. You know what I mean, right? 

On another note, I finished and sent in (emailed my professor) my essay. Finally. He got it and is pretty understanding, so I guess that’s good. 

I’m doing alright. Just trying to cope with these life circumstances. 

So.. my grandma on my mom’s side is now gone. :’( 

I think I wrote posts about my other grandma more often on this blog. So if I mention her in a post about us doing something together or something, now you’ll all know I’m referring to my grandma on my dad’s side. 

Uh....... That’s all I have to say for now really. 

I’m glad to be done with one of my essays. :’) 

Oh yeah. Yesterday was 4/20. lol 

And tomorrow is Earth Day. 4/22. 

Which then means it’ll be a month until my birthday. I’m turning 20 this year. 20! :0 

Take care of yourselves. Stay safe. 

~ Shan <3 

quickly posts this then leaves

*quickly posts this then leaves* 

Hi. I felt like saying this now. 

(umm ok lol) 

I started feeling a little better later in the afternoon yesterday. I was able to go a store and buy a new phone charger, so I can properly charge my phone. Yay! 

......... yeah—

*listens to “Show Yourself” and “Into the Unknown” (both versions) from the Frozen 2 soundtrack on repeat* yes lol <3 

A week or two ago, I watched the Frozen 2 movie. And oh my gosh, I love those two songs. 

I also added some songs from the Frozen movies into Twinkle’s music playlist (“blue ice + blue fire”) on my Spotify. 

I think I only mentioned it way back in 2014, but after watching Frozen 2, I connected my original thoughts that I saw Twinkle (Stella, my beloved blue girl with ice-fire powers) be kind of like Elsa. 

(Yes, there are similarities between my character and Elsa. Shh..) 

Way back in 2014 (and early 2015?), “Let It Go” reminded me of Twinkle a lot. 

Elsa inspiration? Oh hmm... Perhaps. XD 

......... ok but like. Every Frozen song I mentioned in this post reminds me of Twinkle. 

Hhhhhhh hahaha aaaaaaaa

————————————

“A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I’m the queen. ... Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know... Well, now they know! Let it go, let it go! Can’t hold it back anymore. Let it go, let it go! Turn away and slam the door. I don’t care what they’re going to say, let the storm rage on. ... And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all. It’s time to see what I can do to test the limits and break through. ... Here I stand and here I stay. ... My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around all around, and one thought crystallizes like an icy blast. I’m never going back, the past is in the past! ... I’ll rise like the break of dawn! ... That perfect girl is gone!” - Let It Go 

Twinkle (Stella) and Elsa? Heck yes! 

<3 <3 

“I can hear you, but I won’t. Some look for trouble while others don’t. There’s a thousand reasons I should go about my day, and ignore your whispers which I wish would go away. Oh whoa. You’re not a voice; you’re just a ringing in my ear. ... I’m sorry, secret siren, but I’m blocking out your calls. I’ve had my adventure, I don’t need something new. I’m afraid of what I’m risking if I follow you. Into the unknown (x3)~. ... What do you want? ‘Cause you’ve been keeping me awake. Are you here to distract me so I make a big mistake? ... Every day’s a little harder as I feel my power grow.” - Into the Unknown 

Mmmm hmmm 

.......... time to go to my Shakespeare online class and discuss Hamlet. 

(yeet!) 

Another Post About Death

idk what to say. idk how to phrase things. idk what to say. idk how to process this. idk what to think. idk what to do. idk how to do it. idk how to say it. idk what to say.

....... so I'll just get to the point.

*sighs* ok look. here's the thing.

Things really aren't that great. They're pretty terrible, actually. I'm trying to cope, but that's hard to do.

I'm struggling. Ok. I'm struggling.

I'm very stressed and overwhelmed with a lot of things.

For my classes, I have late papers to write (which are all over a week late at this point). Not writing them is stressing me out, but so is thinking about writing them. It's extremely hard for me to focus on schoolwork at home, then add in my personal situation, and it seems nearly impossible. Just attending my online classes feels like I have to put a lot of effort in. Never mind having to write long essays.

I don't feel okay. I don't know how to handle everything I have to do. I'm already so late in sending assignments in.

I feel like crap. I'm trying not to fall down into another depressive episode, but it gets harder by the day. I want to sleep all day, but I can't. Because I have things to do, and my body physically won't let me stay in bed all day.

I know things will turn out okay eventually. But nothing feels okay now. Nothing is okay!

I have a headache (thankfully, the ibuprofen I took is kicking in now). I had issues charging my phone for around a week at this point, and today I found out that my phone is completely dead and won't turn on at all.

Ugh, I hate this! The charger really doesn't work now! :(

.......... anyway. *points to the post title* yeah.

This is another post about death.

(just get to the point!) (ok..)

I'm just going to type it out. I don't know how to say it any other way. I might not go into details in this post, but I feel like maybe you viewers should know what's going on.

............................... another family member passed away. and-and-and—

My grandmother died from the coronavirus/covid-19 a few days ago.

That same day when I attended one of my online classes, my professor told our class that one of our classmates died from the virus as well.

Having to hear about two deaths in one day... That hurt. A lot.

My heart has been hurting. Losing people I know personally from the coronavirus hurts. Not being able to see nor hear from them again is heartbreaking.

And because of all the restrictions, it's hard to even mourn and grieve properly. Physical socialization restrictions, I mean.

Last Thursday really, really sucked.

idk what else to say.

Maybe I'll vent in another post. I don't feel like writing anymore.

~ Shan </3

1. Fools

The number in the beginning of the post title for posts this month refer to the day and order of poems for napowrimo. It’s April. I have poems now.

This one is called “Fools”~ 

————————————

The year is 2020–

and the joke’s on us. 

High hopes, heads up,

new decade, fresh start— 

2020 will be our year. 

Well, the joke’s on us. 

Double 20,

I don’t have 2020 vision—

I never could have seen this coming. 

The months change, and each one 

lasts an eternity. 

Time is infinite, 

and time isn’t our friend. 

Oh, the joke is on us. 

2020 isn’t our year— 

we never asked for this. 

March changes to April,

and we’re fools.

Fools, fools, fools.

2020 laughs in our faces

and tells us how wrong we all are.

Only fools fall;

we all fall down.

Fools, fools, fools. 

In 2020, we are all fools.

We are April Fools. 

Joke’s on us—

2020 fooled us all. 

Sunshine ;w;

Hi, I'm here to post the pictures of Sunshine that I mentioned a few days ago.

My 15 year old puppy dog. ily <3

We were just hanging out in the backyard. 

Yes, she's 15 years old. Yes, she's my puppy dog. 

Sunshine! :D 

She doesn't look as good at other angles. But we're just gonna ignore that. She looks cute here, and that's all that matters.

--------------------------------------------

There, have a happy post. There might not be another one in a while. 

Yeah. Uh. Oops. Bye.

Character Ages at Events | April 2020

Hi, I don’t have time to write this post. But I’m doing so anyway. I’m writing this on impulse. Because I have thoughts I feel like sharing with you viewers. Preferably the ones who know my characters and stories.

It’s April 2020, so that’s why I included that in the post title. I’m here to list and briefly discuss the ages of my characters during certain events. To summarize what I’m about to say, my characters are young. Like, young-young. Yeah.

Reader discretion is advised.

———————————————

1. Fierdan

• Current age in the (main) story timeline (revealed secret: there’s more than one timeline. ooh ahh~): 22 or 23 years old. 

• Age Fierdan kills Z (his father): Between the ages of 15 and 17. This could mean he commits patricide when he’s 15, 16, or 17 years old. Fierdan kills him while he’s a teenager. 

• Z forces Fierdan to enter his project world and stay there when he’s between the ages of 7 and 8 years old. 

• C (his mother) abandoned him when he was only a 1 year old. 

• This means that Fierdan was without parental guidance and supervision for at least 7 years. I’m too lazy to check the math on that. 

2. Duke 

• Current age in the story: 17 years old. For the entire duration of story 1.

• Therefore, Duke first becomes a murderer at age 17 when he kills Risak (and Taurel too? hmm..).

• Duke dies when he’s 17, soon to turn 18 years old. 

• Duke might not be like a typical 17 year old, but just think about his existence is the combination of Fierdan (who’s years older than Duke) and Soulless (a demonic creature that Ryen helped create). I guess you could say that he existed, with the Duke identity (“DUKE”) for 17 years. And so, Duke has been alive for that long. 

3. Dawn 

• Her age is more complicated because I keep overlapping and confusing myself with the different timelines. Is she a minor (under 18) or not? Well.. it depends. 

• She is always the youngest out of C’s three children (Ryen, Fierdan, Dawn). Her exact age is complicated, however. 

• When Dawn was born, Fierdan (then who I nicknamed “Kid Danny”) is a little under 2 years older than her. Following the current timeline going on for Fierdan where he’s 22 or 23, that’ll make Dawn be between the ages of 21 and 22. Or maybe she’s 20. Eh.. it’s around that age. I think. I can’t do math. 

• So yes, Stella (aka Twinkle) is the youngest main character out of all the characters I listed so far. Duke is a few months older than Stella. They’re both 17 year olds. 

• If Fierdan was 7 or 8 years old when he first entered the project world, Dawn would’ve only been 6 or 7 years old then. 

• Dawn lives with C and her father until she’s 5 years old. Not immediately when she turns 5; it’s a few months later. 

• Z “adopts” or “takes custody” of Dawn (idk how that happened lol that’s fucked up) when she’s 5. And so, Dawn stayed with Z being her “parental guardian” (they’re not biologically related btw) for at most 2 years. If I’m doing the math right. 

• This is gonna be hard for me to say, but I’ll just say it now. [CSA warning ahead] Under Z’s parental “care” (lol there was no care, you know what I mean though.. I hope), Z sexually abused Dawn. And verbally and a little physically too. But the sexual abuse had to have been the worst for Dawn. That didn’t start right away though; he started abusing her when she was 6 years old. 

• Because of this, Dawn has repressed memories (and she simply cannot remember) from her childhood. Mainly before entering the project world with Fierdan and for the beginning of the time they spent there. Add what Z did to her, what happened to her parents, and living alone with no adult guardians to are for Fierdan and herself when they’re young children, and yeah.. Dawn has a dissociative disorder and (C?)PTSD. So yes, Dawn and Fierdan have (C?)PTSD. Well, at least PTSD. They definitely have that. 

—————— 

So.. I have to go now. I have to attend an online class, and my phone is at low battery. 

Ages at certain events. Oh boy! :’}

*publishes post and runs to my computer* 

Ahhhhhh Blog Anniversary Time

AHHHHHHHHHH

I almost completely forgot. I mean I did. But hey. It's not midnight (in my time zone) yet.

Anyway, it's blog anniversary time! If my calculations are right, this cursed blog of mine has now existed for 6 whole years. Wow!

6 YEARS OF ME BLOGGING!!!!!! :O

I don't know what else to put. XD

For the first time in the last few days, I don't feel extremely tired. This started only a few hours ago. Before then, I was also very tired today.

For the past few days, I've been randomly waking up at 4 am. I don't like it. I don't like that at all.

I went on a long walk with my dog this evening. Being outside. Feeling the cool evening air. That was nice. I liked that.

Ooh. I have pictures I took of Sunshine a few days ago that I want to show you guys. I took good pictures of my dog while we were outside. From a few days ago. Not today lol.

What else, what else.........

Actually, last Monday wasn't that bad. It was an okay day. I was still pretty upset over the nightmare I had, and I think that was the first day I woke up at 4 am and then took Benadryl.

Benadryl,, makes me sleepy. zzzzzzzzz

Oh yeah. It's Passover.

Heck,,

............... ye ah.

I don't know what else to put here. I guess that's it.

Happy 6th anniversary, blog. I never thought I'd stick around with you for this long.

(Yes, I just talked to my blog as if it were a person. Deal with it.)

I will return here sometime in the near future. Bye for now.

(+ Shan)

update on my well-being: messed up

Yeah. Pretty much. Update on my well-being: ??? I’m messed up. 

[This is going to be an obvious “stream of conscious” style post. Expect profanity.]

Sunday was definitely not my day. Sunday.. god, that day. Big yikes. 

It wasn’t all bad. But damn, did it mess me up. 

........ *breathe in* *breathe out* *breathe in* *breathe out* breathe. breathe. breathe. Breathe. BREATHE. 

I’m fucked up. Sunday fucked me up. 

I’m ok. I’m (not) ok. I’m ok. I’m (not) ok. — I don’t know anymore! 

Have a list of things that might be about me somehow: 

*shrugs* lol 

(btw, I’ll be talking about drugs. so, uh.. yeah.) 

ah fuck it let’s start 

• I keep on telling myself to continue the most recent skit story, but I keep delaying it. Now it’s two months later (I think). I want to. I’m just not writing it. I’m tired of waiting too, believe me. I think I lost motivation and inspiration again. 

• At 4 am on Sunday, I woke up with allergies bothering me (nasal congestion, itchy eyes), so I took some allergy medicine. That was a mistake. I think it caused me to have the most intense and longest nightmare I had in a long time. It terrified me. I don’t know why or how, but it felt so realistic. It fucked me up for the rest of the day, ngl. 

• The only allergy medicine I can find in my house is Benadryl. Taking Benadryl at 4, nearly 5, in the morning was not a wise decision, I can tell you that. 

• Having both Benadryl and Lexapro (my prescription medication) in my system (body) at the same time. Yikes. I think that really fucked me up. 

• That dream was terrifying to me. *inserts words and phrases related to my nightmare because I can’t even properly explain it several hours later* not believed. overdramatic. crybaby. avoiding responsibility. angry father. camp. kids. computer. dream within a dream. crash. broken computer. red stairs. red stairwells. bombs. explosions. chainsaws. guns. gunshots. ptsd. buildings collapsing. trying not to die. dying. typing on computer. late to class. friends. not saving them. not being saved. being killed. 

• I wrote this about it early in the afternoon: I woke up at 4 in the morning, took some allergy medicine, eventually fell back asleep. Then I had a nightmare and that dream terrified me a lot. And then that nightmare became a dream within a dream (in another dream, I wrote down what happened in the nightmare), then everything I wrote about it disappeared because the computer I was typing on broke. It was so scary. Anyway, I’m a mess right now. 

So.. yeah. That happened. :’}

On a positive note, going on a walk outside helped me feel a little better. The weather was gorgeous, too. 

But I’ve been feeling tense and anxious for the majority of the day. My body just wouldn't let go of those physical signs of anxiety I usually have. 

It was so bad. Sunday was a shitty Sunday. I hated it. I’m a little reluctant on falling asleep again, even though I’m so tired.

I could ramble about another reason I think I’m so fucked up and broken, but now I don’t want to do that anymore. 

All I can say is I’m not normal by any means. 

Seriously. It sucks. 

So, yes. My mood can shift from being happy and chill to the next day being so tense and nervous and terrified and having a goddamn anxiety attack. My thoughts and feelings are fluid. Always changing. Nothing is static. I could feel fine in one moment, and the next moment I don’t feel okay at all. 

It really, really sucks. 

There. That’s my shitty personal update that no one asked for. Goodbye.

 ;-;-/-;;-::-,-;,:,-;,//-,,;:-,/:;.-:-:-.,/-,,/ 

Corona Tunes for these trying times

Corona tunes for these trying times.

Ah yes.

(Thanks to my sister for showing me some of these songs.)

*offers you silly music in these trying times*

Yes, these are trying times.

Will you... Will you have some corona tunes in this time of coronavirus pandemic? uwu

*uwu intensifies*

Oh yeah, let's go!

-------------------------------------------------------

(The "HELP ME HELP ME" part is my favorite. XD)

(The lyrics are gold. asdfghjkl)

(aaaaahhhhhhhhh)

(Disney! :'D)

(Another iconic corona song. XD)

(That's so beautiful omg,,)

-----------------------------------------

These made me laugh. :'D

Maybe I'll make more posts later. Maybe not.

Now I'm off to reading more of Hamlet for class!~~

Stay safe. Bye.

~ Shan :P

Sunshine’s 15th Birthday

Hi. Today’s April 3rd. Know what that means?? 

It’s... It’s... SUNSHINE’S BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! 

She’s now 15 years old. Wow. It’s her 15th birthday. Wow. 

I don’t have much else to say, so have this picture of her and my cat from January that I took on Snapchat. 

She’s doing much better now than she was in January. That was a rough month for her. 

But she preserved. She survived. She’s living. And thriving. 

Haha yes. :D 

<3 <3 <3 

xx

I might create another post later; I haven’t made up my mind yet. 

What a time we live in. 

What to do in these unprecedented times... 

Well. I started reading Hamlet. So... 

(Eww, college assignments I have to do. :c) 

Today’s Sunshine’s day. That’s what matters. :’) 

Bye for now. Stay safe. :) 

~ Shan 

In 2020, We Are All The April Fool

Yes. We sure are.

Hi. Hello. Hi. Hello.

In 2020, we are all the April Fool.

2020- what a year. Oh, it's only April? Whatever.

Coronavirus. Covid-19. What a time.

I'm on my second week of online classes. Mm, not a fan. No thanks.

............. Before the post continues:

This post will have profanity.

............. fyi.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On last year's April 1st post, I see that I had said that one of my classes was canceled that day. 

Guess what happened today? One of my classes got canceled! 

But is it even class anymore? Everything's online. Nothing feels real. Is time real? Discussion Board, BlackBoard, all these goddamn Boards. 

Anyway, I'm FUCKED. 

Nothing feels real. Is time real? Fuck! 

[Note: I'm going to be changing topics a lot in this post.]

-x-x-

Remember Animal Jam? I don't. 

Anyway, this Adventure is somehow a coronavirus/self-quarantine/2020 mood. 

I don't remember anything from AJ. I don't remember this. Why is my blog URL this? It's a fucking mystery, buddy. 

*breathe in* *breathe out* BREATHE.

PSA: If you're out there, Bunny, I miss you so much. 

</3

.......... Where the hell are those Adventure screenshots?? 

Who is he?? What the fuck happened to him?? 

lol look at these sad emo kids 

also,, march 2020 mood.

Damn. I miss the person who made this. :-(

Anyway, that quote was the peak of my writing success. 

It's such a deep quote. Fucking hell.

"There's a part in all of us that wants to be free." 

me: *goes apeshit*

2020 (self) quarantine mood. 

We just wanna be FREE, FREEEEEEEE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

.......... anyone else thinking of the social commentary that can stem from that quote? 

Free from what? Capitalism. 

*insert other words here too that I'm too lazy to type*

abcdefghijklmaonopeqrstuvwxyz 

-x-x-

YES, I FOUND THEM.

(AKA the Adventure chat screenshots)

Plot twist: This is actually about covid-19. The coronas are out to get us, so stay inside! 

Ok, have more nonsense.

-x-x-

AAAHHHHHHH

-x-x-

Anyone remember my Enchanted bunny avatar? 

Me neither.

She seems iconic though. 

-x-x-

.............. PEAK FASHION!!!!!

Anyone remember my Precious wolf avatar? 

She's a marshmallow obsessed freak.

Oh wow.

-x-x-

I have way too many random AJ screenshots saved on this blog. XD

Moving on now......

I have no ideas for any pranks. I'm old, I'm tired, time isn't real, and I'm screwed. 

:'(

-x-x-

.........................

......................................

......................................................

~ void ~

~ gotta keep moving to avoid falling down down down........ ~

~ into a depressive episode ~

~ oh fuck. ~

~ void ~

01100010 01110101 01100010 01100010 01101100 01100101 01110111 01110010 01100001 01110000 00100000 01110011 01101001 01101101 01110101 01101100 01100001 01110100 01101111 01110010 00100000

This is the most important website. If you want to be caught up with what is happening all over the world, you have to check it out. The news is updated faster than you can say "blobfish"- guaranteed!

I can't focus. I can't read. I can't focus. I can't focus. Focus. Focus. Focus.

Attention span who?

It's getting harder by the day to avoid falling down, down, down into a depressive episode. These times remind me too much of the summer when I have my summer depression. Self-isolating. Staying home all day. 

Thank god I've established basic morning and night routines, so I have some structure to my days in these chaotic times. 

But I'm not gonna lie. I'm terrified of the depression coming back again. I know I haven't made that many posts these past few months, I know I haven't had the motivation to create new content here, but I actually haven't felt depressed for a good while now. I'm scared of sinking back low. I was doing so good, then this virus shitstorm happened. I'm trying so hard to cope, but it's hard. Everything is a struggle. 

I've been having stressful dreams that stress me out again. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm worried. I'm terrified. I'm bored. I'm anxious. I'm okay. 

I fucked up again. I keep fucking this shit up. 

I don't know what to look forward to anymore. When this pandemic ends? I guess that. I don't know anymore.

Well anyway. Take care of yourselves. I'm really trying to, and so should you.

Sometimes my eyes, with my glasses or contacts on, choose not to focus on reading words right in front of me. It's like, everything feels out of focus. And then I can feel my eyes focusing again. 

It's a weird experience. 

I forgot what I was going to say next. 

Haha, I should take my medication. Ha, ha. 

Stay safe. We're all in this together. 

Alright, alright! Now the post is over. Y'all can leave or write a comment below. 

<3,

~ Shan