[This is going to be an obvious “stream of conscious” style post. Expect profanity.]
Sunday was definitely not my day. Sunday.. god, that day. Big yikes.
It wasn’t all bad. But damn, did it mess me up.
........ *breathe in* *breathe out* *breathe in* *breathe out* breathe. breathe. breathe. Breathe. BREATHE.
I’m fucked up. Sunday fucked me up.
I’m ok. I’m (not) ok. I’m ok. I’m (not) ok. — I don’t know anymore!
Have a list of things that might be about me somehow:
*shrugs* lol
(btw, I’ll be talking about drugs. so, uh.. yeah.)
ah fuck it let’s start
• I keep on telling myself to continue the most recent skit story, but I keep delaying it. Now it’s two months later (I think). I want to. I’m just not writing it. I’m tired of waiting too, believe me. I think I lost motivation and inspiration again.
• At 4 am on Sunday, I woke up with allergies bothering me (nasal congestion, itchy eyes), so I took some allergy medicine. That was a mistake. I think it caused me to have the most intense and longest nightmare I had in a long time. It terrified me. I don’t know why or how, but it felt so realistic. It fucked me up for the rest of the day, ngl.
• The only allergy medicine I can find in my house is Benadryl. Taking Benadryl at 4, nearly 5, in the morning was not a wise decision, I can tell you that.
• Having both Benadryl and Lexapro (my prescription medication) in my system (body) at the same time. Yikes. I think that really fucked me up.
• That dream was terrifying to me. *inserts words and phrases related to my nightmare because I can’t even properly explain it several hours later* not believed. overdramatic. crybaby. avoiding responsibility. angry father. camp. kids. computer. dream within a dream. crash. broken computer. red stairs. red stairwells. bombs. explosions. chainsaws. guns. gunshots. ptsd. buildings collapsing. trying not to die. dying. typing on computer. late to class. friends. not saving them. not being saved. being killed.
• I wrote this about it early in the afternoon: I woke up at 4 in the morning, took some allergy medicine, eventually fell back asleep. Then I had a nightmare and that dream terrified me a lot. And then that nightmare became a dream within a dream (in another dream, I wrote down what happened in the nightmare), then everything I wrote about it disappeared because the computer I was typing on broke. It was so scary. Anyway, I’m a mess right now.
So.. yeah. That happened. :’}
On a positive note, going on a walk outside helped me feel a little better. The weather was gorgeous, too.
But I’ve been feeling tense and anxious for the majority of the day. My body just wouldn't let go of those physical signs of anxiety I usually have.
It was so bad. Sunday was a shitty Sunday. I hated it. I’m a little reluctant on falling asleep again, even though I’m so tired.
I could ramble about another reason I think I’m so fucked up and broken, but now I don’t want to do that anymore.
All I can say is I’m not normal by any means.
Seriously. It sucks.
So, yes. My mood can shift from being happy and chill to the next day being so tense and nervous and terrified and having a goddamn anxiety attack. My thoughts and feelings are fluid. Always changing. Nothing is static. I could feel fine in one moment, and the next moment I don’t feel okay at all.
It really, really sucks.
There. That’s my shitty personal update that no one asked for. Goodbye.
;-;-/-;;-::-,-;,:,-;,//-,,;:-,/:;.-:-:-.,/-,,/
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