yeah ok problematic blahblahblah

................... ............ ........ So yeah ok, problematic something-something, blah blah blah. 

I've been avoiding explicitly stating my "secret (? idk)" old and new versions of the story plans. Honestly, for well over one year at this point. 

I know it's Very Very Very Bad and Cursed and just about any negative/critical word you can think of. Believe me, I Know. 

I don't care anymore. I'm not sure if I'll survive these last few weeks of the college semester. 

So, you know, whatever. Hey, I'll just write posts about all this god-awful story shit. It's out there. I explained it. 

So like when if I die extremely soon, you'll at least have a starting point on where the story was going and why for the majority of 2016 I "quit" it because of how cursed/problematic/inappropriate it is. 

Now you know why I hate and have such a difficult relationship with this story project! 

I'm expecting backlash for what I've thought/said about my characters. I'm skeptical if I don't. 

Haha, I really won't blame you. 

Ok, ok but.. 

A "theme" of the story is a phrase in my old header banners- "We are the broken." The main characters are the ones saying that in unison. They are the broken. They are broken people. They're not.. whole. They're obviously not perfect. They're problematic. They're not perfectly moral characters. Literally none of my characters are not flawed and are on some problematic spectrum to indicate how problematic they are (like, Fierdan is more problematic than Twinkle, I'd say, but they both have done problematic/immoral actions.. it just depends on the extent). 

The trains of thought/beliefs my characters (I'm looking at Fierdan and Duke especially) Do Not reflect my own morals and values. I really shouldn't have to say this, but I'll feel even more paranoid if I don't. 

Murder is not a good thing. It shouldn't be romanticized. I know that. 

Fierdan and Duke are, in the story canon, murderers who have killed rather violently. It's messed up. I know how fucked up it all is. 

The story as a whole is fucked up. I know, I know, I know, I Know!! 

I know I made countless posts about how I feel sorry for them (because of their pasts) and how much I love them, but that doesn't mean I have to excuse their murders. Just because I really like a character, it doesn't mean I'm ignoring the fucked up shit they did. I can like a character because I like how complex they are. I like "problematic" characters more than "perfect" characters who have done no wrong (to any degree, it doesn't have to be murder, of course). 

And like.. 

Z was also a murderer. He caused many more people to die than Fierdan did. I don't even have a number for how many people Fierdan killed. The only (no bs lies) true murder I really focus on Fierdan doing is Z's. Yeah, he killed Z. Wow, killing your own father is pretty problematic, I'd say. 

I'll say it again. Z was a murderer. He caused a lot more people to (yes, brutally) die than Fierdan. 

And Z was also very abusive. Emotionally and sexually. Fierdan was and is not. 

Not trying to say it, but like, don't go hating Fierdan (who knows how fucked up his actions were that they caused him to eventually be diagnosed with PTSD/C-PTSD.. and the before and after his fucked up actions also lead him to having PTSD/C-PTSD) for killing Z when Z never had any remorse for his actions and was proud of how corrupt Fierdan grew into as an adult.

And Fierdan's life isn't 100% him being the victim, so I'm honestly still hesitant on saying he's mentally ill and traumatized. But can I just say? Yes, he's traumatized a lot by his own actions but other characters did fucked up things to him (looking at you, Soulless) so those people caused him to be even more traumatized. 

And like. Fierdan blames himself a lot. A Lot. It's fucking ugly. Enduring years on end of little to no break of traumatic shit won't make him (or any other character) come out of it as a pleasant happy-looking abuse/trauma survivor. There's no beauty in it. Especially not for Fierdan. 

The same applies to Duke. And he has bad/unhealthy coping mechanisms. It's not supposed to be pure and happy. He's broken. He was never "whole".. he can't be. 

Being murderers fucked them up. Well, Fierdan and Duke. Not Z. That guy is too far gone to be redeemed and loved by the other characters. 

Ok but I will say that Duke murdering Risak is worse than Fierdan murdering Z. Risak wasn't a mass murderer like Z was. The only murder he would have done was if he successfully executed Duke, but he failed that. Duke was filled with rage and anger, so he killed Risak for trying to kill him. Risak tried to kill Duke first. 

And the fact I had them involved in incestuous ships further goes down the path of how problematic they are. I know lmao I'm terrible. 

....... yeah. 

I also know I've been implying that (in story terms only, I swear) murder is better than sexual assault, and murderers can be redeemable while people who have done any kind of sexual assault can't. I know that's something bad too. Haha, I've got a lot of issues with my story writing. 

Oh and Fierdan thinks at some point that Soulless isn't real/never existed and that he made the whole thing with Soulless up. That he thinks he's the reason Soulless is the way they are. That he created Soulless, not Ryen. 

Fierdan also thinks (I'm referring to story 2 now) that Soulless is the "dark side" of his personality, and it came to the surface because of how much fear and rage Fierdan felt. That, or Fierdan thinks he has more than one personality and Soulless is another personality of his. 

He's wrong though. (yeah?) 

Anyway, Duke and Fierdan are very impulsive people. I've been thinking about how much Duke's childhood abuse fucked him up and how his unhealthy coping mechanisms made him even more fucked up, so that relates to how impulsive he is. Duke is extremely impulsive. 

Duke in my most recent skit is supposed to be me trying to show how impulsive he can get when he's falling apart and has no healthy outlet. 

And Duke's impulsiveness can also be a reason why he frequently got into trouble at school. He was a sad and mad boy. He got into fights, he wasn't a "pleasure to have in class" (lol that's my school life), his grades were far from perfect. That's because of school. He had to live in fear (he was abused as a child, like?? does this need further explanation?) and with the drama at school (with Admiral and Finny most of all), so yeah his grades and reputation through the school staff and other students are gonna be low. 

But get Duke healthy outlets and be able to understand his feelings and accept them, and he's going to be a lot better. Duke is very smart. That's why in some skits I made Duke be school smart. He's away from the fear of being abused at home and harassed at school (*cough* Admiral *cough*). Duke is actually disturbingly smart (like that vibe that a person is so intelligent it just gives others the chills). 

It really just goes down to- Duke's severe impulsiveness gets in the way of how smart he wants others to perceive him as being. He hides it behind his attempts of being an idiot. His impulsiveness and lack of knowing healthy coping mechanisms makes him appear less smart. 

Only Fierdan and Ryen (and maybe Calliah too? but idk) are more intelligent than Duke. Plus, Duke's obnoxious cocky behavior gets in the way of how smart he is. But yeah. Duke is like a level lower than Ryen and Fierdan with their genius intellect. 

If Duke took an IQ test, he would have a high IQ. Just saying. 

His disturbingly high intellect (uh, that's pretty intimidating) makes him able to escape and defeat Taurel. After around a week of torture, sure, but his intelligence makes him able to escape at all. 

To sum it up, Fierdan and Duke are ugly when it comes to their actions, but they sure are physically beautiful no matter how beaten up they are. 

(wait, no? what?)

Bye.

nvm back on my bs

hhh pfft i'm dead. 

I mean hi! I am back with another post. :) 

There were two times in the past few hours that the fire alarms in my dorm building went off. It's annoying, it's ridiculous, I hate it. 

irl update: that class I was dreading wasn't bad. I have my class trip starting this afternoon. it's after midnight. yes. 

I can't even come up with a good reason why I was doing this, but I felt like looking at my old art on dA and searching "Fierdan" in the search bar here. 

My old stuff is making me laugh so much. Omg I can't. I was so ridiculous. 

My face could also be described as how I drew Fierdan's in the previous post. 

(problematic and cursed shipping mentions ahead! disturbing sex is also mentioned. yeet.)

-x-x-x- 

I was reading an old poem written in the POV of who I think would be story 2 Post-Fierdan. 

But like. I called him Daniel back then. 

Haha yeah, I totally forgot about that. 

And in this old poem, it was Stella (Twinkle) X Daniel (Post-Fierdan). Which is basically TwinkleXFierdan in skit terms. 

Yeah uhh, that is definitely not going to be a thing. I do not ship that. Nope. I can't. 

In story 2, Stella is 17 and Post-Fierdan is 20. And if not 20, he would turn that age towards the beginning of the story. 

I think I thought I would make Fierdan somehow younger when he becomes "whole" with the Duke part of himself? But like.. why? Just.. no. 

-x-x-x- 

Yikes wow. Back in 2015-16, I wrote at least one poem and skit that were all about DukeXFierdan. I sure did love to ship them back in the day. 

Why was a self-cest ship my OTP? I'm cryign. (intentional typo). 

Yeah, I did that. I forgot about it. 

Honestly, ever since my Depressive Episode of Summer 2016 TM, I forgot nearly everything I put in posts on here and deviations I put on dA before then. Well, except if I go back and read them over later. 

I forgot so much, you guys. Lmao. 

No, I don't ship DukeXFierdan as a couple anymore. I've gained some more sense. 

-x-x-x- 

Honestly, all my old ships with Fierdan (and I guess Duke is also involved) are so gross and cursed and just plain out awful. 

... I'm a little bitter with myself that I made Soulless tell Fierdan that he is their brother. Because, lmao, no. They're not. Ryen is Fierdan's brother, and he made Soulless the way they are. But that doesn't mean Soulless is Fierdan's brother. 

... yeah we both know I'm thinking about DaFier. Yikes. 

DaFier was when I used to plan the story as Dawn and Fierdan as a couple. As in, they're so close to each other because of romance and sex (yeah, eww, I know) instead of their years-long friendship. 

I forgot I wrote things about that. I was so into it too. Wtf--

I swear, I really don't like incest ships... 

.... uhhhh. 'Tis but a change in story plans. 'Tis but a scratch. 

My first dynamic between Dawn and Fierdan was so damn inappropriate. Like ok dang, that was forced heteronormativity. And the whole love triangle thing with Duke instead of Fierdan? Gahh, I am deceased. I killed me. 

Dawn used to be such a creep. In skits, she was basically a stalker. She was obsessed with Fierdan and Duke. Umm.. eww. 

Yet my dumb af self out of nowhere one day wanted to change my whole freaking story plans and make Fierdan and Dawn have the same dead/mysterious/goddess-like mother. I guess I couldn't have come up with a better way to explain some major story things, so I thought it would make more sense if they're related? Like?? I don't get past me either. I really don't. I swear I don't. 

I absolutely do not ship DaFier anymore. I just can't go down that path. It's been bothering me for so long, and so here I am posting my complaints about it now. 

(DaFier is Dawn being shipped romantically/sexually with Fierdan and Duke. Yeah, that's a no go. I hate it. I hate my old self. So, so much.) 

And that's not even the worst part. 

This (very fucking bad) DawnXFierdan concept was (thank god I don't think I ever posted anything about it? I hope--) filled with so much lust. There was a lot of sex in it. And it's pretty damn ironic that I would think this (very fucked up, I Know) very sexual content about them when I was very sex-repulsed. Anyway, I'm way less repulsed now (yes, repulsed), so I'm not afraid or get nauseous after writing or briefly mentioning sex in my posts. (I'm still Bad and deserve Hate and Death, I know but.) 

And (and!) when this was all going on, I would be writing silly things like "Fierdan is gay!" or "Fierdan is bi!" .... ??????? hUH. 

Either that, or I've been wanting Fierdan to be bisexual since the start. But why did I think such cliché problematic hetero shit? Same with Duke, of course. Like?? Hello, past me. I'd like to file a complaint. 

Meanwhile nowadays I like to think about Fierdan having a boyfriend. Girl, who? Girlfriend, who? He won't be in a relationship with Stella. 

Fierdan? Gay? Yes? (hmm)

I still view him as bi though. I don't even know why anymore. I just.. do? 

yeah, yeah ok i'm done. 

-x-x-x- 

I'm not sure you guys understand how disgusted I am with my old ass ideas to make Fierdan have (frequent, hardcore) sex with Dawn. I disgust myself. I am cancelling myself. Bye. 

What I'm planning as story canon now goes so far against that. It's literally the opposite. 

For me to even think of letting Fierdan (no matter his state of corruption) be in a sexual relationship with her is so fucking disgusting. I would hate him completely if he did. It's way too fucked up for me to "redeem" him. It's already very hard considering he (and Duke) are murderers. 

Because like I recently said. In my more recent version of Fierdan and Dawn past events, before being in the project world.. 

Dawn was (is) a victim of csa. That's short for childhood sexual abuse. 

So to think of Fierdan fuck-- well, I'll just kill him with my bare hands. 

Z molested her. Z assaulted her. Did Z rape her? Not sure yet. Not sure I want to go all the way down that.. that route. 

No attraction. Only about power. Dominating. Taking over. There was no love. It was just hateful power. 

-x-x-x- 

Now I finally explained why I think this story is extremely cursed. And why I think no one younger than an older middle schooler (so that would be like 14) at the youngest should read it. 

Yay! :-] 

-x-x-x- 

Anyway, Fierdan/Post-Fierdan/Danny/Dan is a freaking bottom. He's a freaking sub. 

That's what. That's just who he is. 

(Well, when guys (as in, men) fuck him.) 

*crosses out everything because I can't stand myself* 

-x-x-x- 

plot-twist: Fierdan has no dick, Fierdan has no balls. It's all a lie. He's just got.. nothing down there. 

Oh wait! He's an asshole. 

(omg lmao can you imagine--) 

-x-x-x- 

Fierdan,, he's just so iconic. I fell in love with him as soon as he strutted (yes, I did say that) onto this blog. 

My asexual ass was horny for him since 2015. 

Damn. Fierdan, what a guy. 

(I accidentally wrote "Fierdan, what a gay." at first.) 

Fier-damn, amiright folks? 

Folks: no.

Me: oh ok nvm then. 

-x-x-x- 

I Did Not intend to make this 3 am post be so sexual. 

I am sorry for all the curses I have bestowed upon you for having to read all this garbage I have thrown at you. 

psa: my finals are coming up real soon. any one of you folks are free to kill me.. for free. it would be an honor. 

or you could not. that's fine too. either action would kill me. so why does it matter? 

-x-x-x- 

me: posts what I currently look like 

me right after that: make these kinds of bad posts 

ugh. sigh. why. 

I should get some rest. I'm sleepy. 

Ok that's it, I'm done, bye. 

iconic facial expressions from my boys

I felt like drawing two facial expressions that have been stuck in my head. 

Sorry to say this, but. I drew Duke and Fierdan again. 

I just had to draw their faces in these scenes. I should practice drawing intense emotions. Well, I tried to. 

Left: Duke towards the end of the torture arc. 

Right: Fierdan as a panicked disaster in Cincernum. ;~; 

I know the anatomy is off in both of them. Oh well. 

There's a faint purple flame around Duke's left eye. He just leapt off the floor. There are hints of him controlling black fire again. He's,, he's Demonic Duke. Savage, sinister, cruel, vicious. 

He's about to fight Taurel. 

His body is broken. But he doesn't care. He wants to beat the living shit out of Taurel. 

Ah, my boy. :(

I didn't feel like coloring the Fierdan one. It's a story idea that's not as certain as the Duke one.. even though this Fierdan scene would happen a lot sooner than the Duke one. 

Oh and haha yeah. Fierdan is naked. He's supposed to be looking weak/frail/skinny. 

oh but where's his dick? it's not there. 

I was too lazy to draw more hands.. even though the scene is about Fierdan seeing blood on his hands and all over his body. That's why he took off his clothes (what the heck, dude). 

I wanted to try sketching out his long and tangled hair mess.

His face,, he's hurt,, he's panicking,,;; 

Actually, I didn't draw his genitals on purpose. 

Then I just gave up on trying to fix the anatomy.

Their emotions- wtf that's iconic. 

What they had to go through- ouch. </3

Yeah ahh. Bye. 

ok this should be it

The last one? No promises. 

I'll probably be back on my bullshit again later. 

So I want to talk. About my story. Of course. 

I didn't plan on making my previous post end up the way it did. Sorry. 

I think it's funny how I made Taurel think Duke is like a killer because he stepped on a dead leaf on the ground. What is this? Did he think Duke killed the leaf and that's why it's on the ground? I'm sorry, but that's so funny to me. 

The mini skit I put in about Z's reaction to God in a religious service is also pretty darn funny. I mean.. to me it is. That's the only funny thing. I hate Z lol. 

About that.. *ahem* 

I've been planning on making Dawn a victim of csa for a while now. Like, since somewhere in the 50s chapters. Definitely in the 70s chapters. 

I didn't feel like explaining any earlier though. But now I just want to type out my story concepts/ideas/plans..? 

Yeah. The story is cursed. Problematic, if you will. 

I hate myself too. I know I deserve hate. Lmao. 

Anyway, sorry but I'm gonna talk about Them some more. 

You know. Them. 

-x-x-x- 

I view Duke equally as much of a: 

• Younger brother 

• Son

• Partial-clone?

to Fierdan. 

(Hold on. I just got an ad about this The Jungle Book show/movie on Netflix..?! Ooh-!) 

But yeah. Duke is like a brother and son to Fierdan. I don't know how else to describe their relationship, whoops. 

And Duke technically is like a young clone of Fierdan. Well, partially. Uh, sure? I'll keep it as that. 

I also keep on thinking that Fierdan is so much taller than Duke. That's what I think when I read over my skit posts. 

It's weird because Fierdan and Duke are supposed to be around the same general height. Except Fierdan is, at most, three inches taller than Duke. 

(I imagine Duke being 5'6" at the shortest and 5'8" at the tallest. I imagine Fierdan being 5'7" at the shortest and 5'9" at the tallest.)

So no, Fierdan doesn't tower over Duke. I deceived myself. Heck. 

-x-x-x-

Oh and I think their hair styles in the skits are different than how they currently are in the story. 

I imagine skit Fierdan with short nearly-black hair and skit Duke with even shorter nearly-black hair. 

And only recently, I've began to imagine skit Duke with an undercut. 

(I just want to draw Duke in as many hair styles as possible.) 

In the story, however, I imagine Duke with almost bottom of neck/top of shoulders length nearly-black hair and Fierdan with mid-back length nearly-black (but somehow clearly darker than Duke's) hair. 

Their hair though. Mm, that be some good shit. 

-x-x-x- 

Hmm, hmm, hhh mmm ............

Can't fully trust everything Duke and Fierdan "say" (in their POVs). 

I don't trust them. They could be lying. 

Like, hello?? They're hypocritical?? 

(I'm Cutepups. I know this.) 

-x-x-x- 

I started thinking about the (potential?) mental illnesses my main characters have. And, wow, it could be a lot more complicated than I originally thought. 

Fierdan, geez, he's more complicated than I thought. Dang it. 

-x-x-x- 

I think about "alternative" outcomes for Soulless. 

1. Soulless does not actually exist. Fierdan just made it up. But not on purpose/intentionally though. I've thought of making this happen for real in the story, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. I doubt it lol. Soulless is just a metaphor for Fierdan's fear. That, or Soulless is a part of Fierdan's personality / one of Fierdan's "personalities". 

2. If Soulless wasn't an abusive and manipulative demonic creature toward Fierdan and their relationship wasn't rooted in fear, violence, and death.. I'll admit it.. I would ship Fierdan with Soulless. If their dynamic was healthy, then yeah I'm shipping it lol. Soulless would be looking a bit more human though. But.. godd.. Soulless would be taller than Fierdan, Soulless would be that boyfriend or masc-aligned agender/nonbinary significant other with sharp human teeth that look like fangs. Honestly, the concept is cute. and sexy like damn,, possibly high-key kinky? mmfffgdfhfh.

I need to stop. I know. I'm just making it worse. Ahahaha. 

But how they are in the story canon? Yeah, no thanks. 

(Why the hell do I ship them then? Lmao, what the hell @ me. It's only as how I described it in #2. They would love and support each other like good folks do.)

though they'd like to play rough 👀 

I'm so sorry omg. This post sounds just as wrong as the last one. Pfft. 

-x-x-x- 

Taurel is an invasive, inappropriate, fucked up creep. 

What the fuck, man. 

-x-x-x- 

I'm concerned that I might be sexualizing my characters too much these days. 

Me, only horny for my characters? 

The ones who are adults. Not the kids. 

Ok but, I'm including Duke too. I always think of him as being older than me, which I know doesn't make sense. Duke,, he is hot fire sexy boy.

I'm making it worse. Stop. Just stop it. 

Fuck. 

-x-x-x- 

Instead of having Twinkle observe that Duke's voice dropped (their Ch. 60 reunion?), I would change it so his voice sounds smoother and less annoying (lol, so it'll be more like Fierdan's attractive voice, mmfgfgfh). Maybe then Duke speaks a half octave lower than before that part. 

Duke's story age is 17 now. Ok lol. 

-x-x-x- 

I hope this is really it this time. 

Anyway, I'm dreading going to one of my classes. Because.. I'm a disappointment and letdown, baby. 

I would draw. If I have time. 

Uh.. 🙏 

Bye.

story thoughts (observations?) + tw//

Hi, I'm here with new things to ramble on about regarding my cursed story. :) 

I'm never not procrastinating! 

Ok, let's get into it. 

(Warning: content may be considered sensitive and inappropriate)

--------------

I finally edited it. 

I changed the times I accidentally wrote "conservation" to "conversation" in Chapter 75. 

(idk how I even mixed up the two tbh) 

Taurel and Duke weren't having a conservation. What was I thinking? That Mr. Bloodlust Creep and Suicide Parkour were talking about opening a donation organization thing.. I mean a conservatory? For what? Endangered animals? 

Mr. Bloodlust Creep and Suicide Parkour are personally my new nicknames for Taurel and Duke. Only I'll get it, but it describes them well. It might be bad that I think it's so funny. 

Guys, I think it'll go like this..:

Taurel (Mr. Bloodlust Creep): *licks lips creepily/lowkey seductively* Mm, the Duke Fierdan's blood. I want to see this beautiful boy's blood. 

Duke (Suicide Parkour): *steps on a leaf on the ground*

Taurel (Mr. Bloodlust Creep): *mentally takes notes* He really is a killer like Fierdan. 

[Dawn comes in. She is best girl.]

Duke (Suicide Parkour): *angrily spits on the ground* Dawn, *breathes angrily* what are you doing here? I don't need your stupid help. (those are actual lines lol) 

Dawn: Wow rude. Excuse me, but Taurel wants to--

Taurel (Mr. Bloodlust Creep): *interrupts, is still creepy* You must be the Dawn I've heard about. You're such a gorgeous little thing. May I ask why you're here interrupting this fine conversation between Duke and me? (those are actual lines lol) 

Duke (Suicide Parkour): I think you meant to say conservation. 

Dawn: What is wrong with you? I.. I don't get it. 

Duke (Suicide Parkour): *suddenly builds and opens a conservatory for endangered birds* 

Taurel (Mr. Bloodlust Creep): Oh, you are so right. You are always correct, the Duke Fierdan. *stands proudly in front of the conservatory for endangered birds* It was a privilege being your coworker, the Duke Fierdan. 

Dawn: I don't like men. *walks away with disapproval* 

Yeah.. ok. Sure. 

Then later on, Duke is just standing there in silence as he watches the conversation between Dawn and Sparkle get heated. 

Oops, I mean conservation. Now Dawn and Sparkle are opening their own conservatory. 

At long last, I edited it to the correct word. It's all okay now, folks. 

-x-x-x- 

I also have personal notes of a random word some of my characters have said in the story canon. And I'm like- mmmfghfffgh yes. 

Don't ask why. I don't get me either. 

Anyway, it.. it's: 

Twinkle- swag

Fierdan- sexual 

Duke- gay 

(wtf dang that's so beautiful) 

swag, sexual, gay. what an iconic random words trio. 

Why did I make Twinkle say swag? My writing for this story is so hecking weird. 

Here's the context (asdfghjkl):

• "Your hair looks pretty swag as it is now though."- Twinkle talking to Duke. It's funny because Duke is all like "mm, I'm a lustful piece of shit this afternoon. let me kiss the hell out of you, you stiff ice statue. these embers are tingling under my skin, baby. is it a metaphor for my heated feelings, or am I blushing, or am I referring to my D!cK? then let's fuc-" and Twinkle is just focusing on his hair when this is going on like "aww haha, your hair is longer. it looks pretty swag." And then Duke literally just blanks out. He's then like "... w-what?" while getting a bit alarmed. Then he's probably thinking something like "yeah, she's probably asexual then so let's just kiss the hell out of each other." Yeah totally. 

• never mind I don't want to do this anymore. 

-x-x-x- 

Honestly, I won't lie. (oh geez wow, I hope you won't, Cpup.) 

I have no idea why the story seems so Christian-centric. (like the religion, that thing) 

When really, there is no Christianity in the story. There's no organized religion. There ain't no God, period. 

I did put so much into this "heaven" and "hell" thing though. There's freaking "angels" flying around in heaven, apparently. Like wtf. 

Like especially the main characters aren't going to be believing in a God. 

Ryen has always given me the vibe that he's an atheist and would stand up for what he believes in that believing a true God exists is bullshit. 

[Ryen being forced to go to church (idk)]

Preacher: "God loves all His children" .. something, something I'm not even Christian.

Ryen: *stands up* God doesn't exist. *leaves* 

Ryen is actually an asshole. He doesn't sweet-talk; he's too low on emotions for that. He'll just say whatever the hell he wants. You think Fierdan is the blunt asshole? Haha, Ryen's got that on a whole other level. 

Z is that egotistical shit-stained asshole who thinks if a God exists, he is that god. He thinks he can choose who deserves to "live" and who deserves to "die".. or at least get punished (or what I like to call traumatizing people). 

But would Z believe in there being a God like in Christianity? Definitely not. 

[Z being forced to go to church (idk)]

Preacher: God loves all His children.

Z: *stands up* As a matter of fact, I am God, and I hate my children. They are weak, pathetic, stupid--

Usher: Excuse me, sir, but I have to ask you to leave. 

Z: *yells at the usher* I am the God you speak of! Repent for your sins, all you sinners!

Usher: *nods and escorts Z out*

Wow, that should be like canon. 

And because of Z, Fierdan would be that guy who is passionate in calling out those mentioning a loving God existing. 

• Ryen would be blunt and say with little emotion- "God doesn't exist." 

• Fierdan would be angry and yelling- "Fuck off! God does not fucking exist! There is no fucking God!" (he would say "fuck" at every chance he gets, tbh) 

I'm not sure how it'll go with Dawn, but I definitely see her as being an atheist. She simply can't genuinely believe in a God existing. 

Same with Duke. I think his reaction wouldn't be as severe as Fierdan's, so it would be somewhere between Fierdan's and Dawn's. 

Duke and Dawn. I really like thinking about the connection they have. Their lives were living hells since their early childhoods, and they just spiraled down afterwards. 

We all know how it is for Duke and his childhood and adolescence. His whole existence, really. He is that tragedy boy, after all. 

But Dawn also had to endure hell. (big trigger warning for content ahead//)

Dawn, this girl,:

• Became an orphan at or around the age of 5. Her parents died. They were killed. 

• Got noticed by Z since he knows more about her and what her existence means. You can say he's salty (bitter) about her parents. 

• Z ordered for Dawn's parents to be murdered. He probably ordered for other people to do it because he didn't want to get his hands dirty or something. 

• Z took Dawn in to his home and introduced her to Ryen and Fierdan (but their birth names, of course). 

• Ryen basically just ignores her and doesn't do much with her. He's busy working for his father. And he's like.. what?.. 10 or 11. 

• (Pre-Fierdan) Danny is the only nice one who cares about Dawn. They hang out together and have that pure fun. They enjoy each other's company. They're adorable, I swear. 

• Z is the absolute opposite. He doesn't respect Dawn. He treats her like a thing (like a dirty old rag thing). He refuses to treat her as a decent human being. He thinks she's far less than human because of her parents. He does provide her food and shelter though. He doesn't order for her to be killed.

• (tw//): "I'm not sure if I should tell you what he did to her. You're still young. .... Father made Dawn do some performances for him. He never treated her like a human being. He only wanted to violate her. .... It's as if it's her coping method. She believes that kissing and touching shouldn't always be exaggerated to indicate romantic or sexual love. I learned Dawn's philosophy throughout our childhood to adulthood. I know it's a difficult concept to grasp."- Fierdan talking to Fauna about Dawn and their original past. Oh, that's when he says "sexual". He's trying not to explicitly tell Fauna. But he knows. Fierdan remembered. He knows. Ouch. 

• (tw//): Z thinks of Dawn as not being a human being. She is just a breathing object, a thing he possesses. Z, well uh, he sexually abused her. More than once. As a child. Which is fucking disgusting. 

• Then in the project world with child Fierdan, their memories become foggy. They forget the past they shared. 

• Once Fierdan and Dawn have a place in the project world to live together in, Dawn is distant and doesn't like being looked at for long. But she has nowhere else to go, so she stays with Fierdan. He isn't violent yet. 

• Dawn only lets Fierdan see her if all her body parts are covered, except for her face, neck, hands, and hair. Fierdan doesn't understand why, and neither does Dawn. She feels like she has to do it. 

• All of this is before they've hit their teenage years. There's also a time when Dawn refuses to eat. At least not around Fierdan. 

• Then Dawn notices there's something off about Fierdan. Soulless really begins to influence and control Fierdan. He didn't try to kill anyone yet. Fierdan cares about Dawn and wants to keep her safe. He wants to protect her. He just feels like he has to. 

• Once they start puberty, Dawn has to watch Fierdan grow into looking more and more like Z. Fierdan looks like a younger version of Z. 

• But before that happens, one day Dawn gives up her guard and stops wearing all those clothes to cover her body. She's vulnerable to him. 

• Once they've gone through puberty, Dawn is no longer afraid of Fierdan. Meanwhile Soulless is making him have homicidal urges. Dawn is very close to Fierdan. He looks like a much younger version of Z. 

• (idk if I'll keep it like this for obvious reasons)- Then suddenly, she kisses him one day. There is no romantic or sexual attraction between them. Fierdan becomes skeptical about that, of course, but Dawn says being kissed and touched shouldn't always have implications of love- romantic, sexual. Apparently, I've said they slept next to each other (so, together) and they even do that naked at some point. So it's hesitance and distance all the way down to none at all. They just sleep. Despite the fact that Fierdan has violent thoughts, he never violates her like Z did. He wants to protect her and keep her safe from the dangerous world outside. Except much later when Soulless has corrupted Fierdan so much into being obsessed with violence and death that he basically lost his sanity and tried to kill her. Dawn had to deal with that awful shit too. 

• (tw//): Dawn believes kissing and physical contact shouldn't have romantic and sexual connotations because (though she isn't aware of the reason why) she's trying to cope and accept with what Z did to her. He.. touched her. He kissed her and forced her to kiss him.. on different body parts. There was no love. It was only violation. There was no romance and desire for sex. So how could a simple kiss (even mouth-on-mouth) only be considered a romantic thing when she had to put her mouth to body parts against her will? She does it to have control over herself, to heal from a past she can't even remember. It's subconscious, really. 

• Yikes, I know that's all very fucked up. I know I have to rewrite some things. But yeah, that's why I wrote in previous chapters that Dawn doesn't care about kissing others. There's no romantic love. It's only physical contact to her. She doesn't see herself as a helpless victim anymore. She's the one in control. That doesn't mean Dawn would be willing to have sex despite feeling no attraction or love.. except if I make her be a sex-favorable or neutral and not sex-repulsed aro (or any orientation really) ace/ace-spec. I seriously can't decide on her sexuality, oops. Pan, bi, lesbian, aro, ace? Haha, I have no idea. Doubt she's straight though. That's just not her. 

• That's Dawn for you. What a character! Her ways of thinking may be skewed and seen as being messed up, but wow do I love her. Z was a sexual abuser, Fierdan grew into a guy obsessed with violence and knowing how to murder.. man, she had it rough. Big, big yikes. 

Yeah.. she ain't believing in no God. Would she really be the one thinking a loving God (that isn't Z or Fierdan or Duke *cough, cough*) exists? No. If a God exists, They (why only use He/Him?) must hate her. That's what Dawn would believe. 

... I think I spent at least an hour writing about Dawn. Uh.. sorry I keep on saying this, but. Yikes. 

-x-x-x-

I used to think I worded Chapter 75 so seriously and that Fierdan lowkey had a breakdown. 

Well, I think I was wrong. I don't think it's written as serious as I would like. I was treating this story like a bad joke for so long, but now I want to treat it for what it is- a tragedy. It's a tragedy from the start. If I want to be serious about my writing, I can't just think of something like this writing project as a joke. 

And the first thing to fix that would be writing all my characters as human. Not as freaking animals. 

There's a reason why Fierdan raises and stares at his hands. I didn't really state it in Chapter 75 except as Fierdan saying, "There will always be blood left on me. It won't go away. Do you know what it's like having the blood of people you killed drown you every time you sleep? Do you know what it's like to kill someone?" 

I know it's probably a cliché, but Fierdan feels like he's covered in blood from all the sins he committed. His hands are bloody. There's always going to be blood on his hands. I know I've been describing him as, idk like a sweet bean (?), but he's still a murderer. That can't be erased. He knows how to kill people. He knows about human anatomy from disturbing firsthand experience. Yes, he's seen guts and gore. He's covered in blood. 

("Killing made me learn up close and personal the breaking point of body parts. I know how to kill people by breaking a certain bone, muscle, organ.")

Yep. Fierdan, hmm... 

The chapter ends with Fierdan walking away. Only when he knows he's away from Fauna does he break down. And he does. Then it's like "oh huh, Fierdan does express emotions pretty fucking deeply!" 

Fierdan breaks down in Chapter 76. Something like a panic attack. That's not the whole Fierdan POV though. A lot of important and disturbing shit is said in that POV. 

Eh, you'll probably still hate him as a story character though. Maybe slightly less because there's some explanation in Fierdan's POV. So we'll finally get to understand him better. 

But just saying. Fierdan did some fucked up things. Involving Soulless. With Soulless. 

(That's unhealthy attachment, Fierdan! >:[) 

Fierdan is more of a problematic character than a pure one. That's just a fact. 

In story 2, he's far less disturbing. Thank goodness, since he's like one of the main protagonists. And story 2 is about him being desperate to separate and disconnect himself from his past. From all of it. Like, ahem, Fierdan outright did disgusting things, and I don't just mean murder when I say that. 

-x-x-x- 

Twinkle and Fauna would grow up believing in God, but as the story progresses, they doubt the existence of a God. 

Yeah, I just wanted to say all that about those characters. 

-x-x-x- 

Lmao. It's probably bad that I love Fierdan at all parts he's in the project world, from being in the black goop with Dawn while they're children to being in the black goop underworld known as Cincernum as an adult. It's much easier to grow attached to him in story 2 though. 

-x-x-x-

I don't get the ages thing with Ryen, Fierdan, and Dawn. It's complicated. Were they reborn or something? I don't even know. 

(Fierdan reborn in Cincernum.) 

At what age did Fierdan kill Z? I don't know. 

Was he ever older than 19? I don't know. 

If he ever was 20+ will that just make no sense? I don't know, gahh. 

Their mother manipulated their ages. How old are they really? It's a mystery. Did their ages just rewind? Are they just in their second life? 

It's too much for me to handle. 

(umm.. wtf)

-x-x-x- 

I'm thinking of changing the ages around a bit so that Dawn is two years younger than Fierdan. 

Which would mean Dawn would be the same age as Twinkle and Duke. That would make her 17 like them. 

But Dawn's birthday is after Duke's and Twinkle's, so she would still be younger than them. 

I want Fierdan to be slightly older than Dawn. 

I can't see them as being the same age, even when he's Pre-Fierdan. Fierdan being older than her but not by much just fits him so much better, in my opinion. 

And how like Fierdan cared so much about Dawn by either making her happy (as Pre-Fierdan Danny) or protecting her from the outside because they can't trust the outside after what they were thrown into (project world hell). 

 

Ryen is four years older than Fierdan, so there would be a larger age gap between them than between Fierdan and Dawn. 

I'm thinking of making Dawn's birthday be in August. So when she first meets Duke and Twinkle, she could still be 16. 

I mean, that should clarify that the dynamic between them (Pre-Cincernum) is more like Fierdan being a guardian dedicated to making sure Dawn is safe and comfortable than it being mistaken for a romantic/sexual relationship. Because that's just.. no. 

That would also mean Fierdan would be 8 or 9 when he enters the project world. Being 7 would be too young. Plus, it would be more realistic if he's older, anyway.

-x-x-x- 

Ryen and Fierdan speak "off" (?) compared to other characters because of how they were raised. Raised by Z. 

They were born into the wealthy class because Z was rich. Their home is huge. It's also far away from the average civilians. 

Z thinks he's better than them, so he isolated Ryen and Fierdan from regular people. 

And so, they aren't the best at communicating. It's hard for them to make friends. Speaking casually? It's a foreign concept. 

There's a lot of status on being the children of Z. He has a lot of power. How else would he have been able to do everything he did? 

-x-x-x-

Wow, congrats! You've reached the end of this post. 

~ Cutepups :-)

Now I'll worry about what I said here. :^) 

goodbye to the pets photos

Hi. I'm back at college. It's empty here (not that many people around), and I'm just in my dorm. 

I left my house this morning. I decided to take a few pictures with my dog, Sunshine, and cat, Thelma. 

(Didn't feel like taking a picture with my other cat, Zo, though. I don't think he would've liked that. He's not a fan.) 

I really like how Sunshine looks in one of the photos. (hehe <3) 

I guess these can count as pictures of me with my new haircut (which was basically the highlight of this weekend). 

I'm too sad to take pictures of me by myself now. I feel so sad, and it aches. :( 

My pets are so cute. I told them that several times during the past few days. I love them. :) 

I'm first going to show the picture of Sunshine that I like a lot. She's actually facing the camera. She's paying attention to something else though, haha. 

Me: eh.. ok.

Sunshine: !!! The real cute pup. This Blogger username is clearly about this 13 year old puppy. She was nice and sweet with me this weekend. <3 

... I feel like I only really posted pictures myself when I'm wearing something very feminine (like a nice blouse or dress) but I usually just wear jeans and a black sweat jacket over a T-shirt. I like wearing my black jacket, haha. 

... Oh wait, and that time I posted pictures of me in a Hershey's T-shirt. (lol that too) 

And here's Sunshine by herself. (Her ears! Ahh! <3) 

Sweetie,, my cute pup,, ily. 

I actually took pictures with Thelma first, but I wanted to post the pictures I took of Sunshine as the first thing. 

Thelma wouldn't face the camera; I tried my best. She wanted to leap out of my arms, so she looks even more awkward than usual. She's still cute though, of course. 

Thelma looks silly here, hehe. And I'm like, "where do you think you're going?" I get my hair straightened when I go to the hair salon, so when it's straight my hair reaches my shoulders. I know I repeated myself a lot already, it's just that I really like my hair like this. 

Here's another photo. 

Not sure why the lighting suddenly changed between the past photo and this one. Oh, Thelma is reaching her paw across me. Thanks, girl. 

I look so different with straight hair, and I can tell there's a difference between me now and the last time I had my hair done in June for prom. 

... lol I'm slightly less physically ugly. 

Yeah, that's me with my pets. 

Cool. Ok. Bye. 

~ Cutepups 

(yeah. see ya- cpups.)

meant to include this too but the 4 turned into 5 am

I fell asleep after 5 in the morning. Right after I finished the previous post, I wanted to include what I'm going to put here. 

Posting again right after I finished a post didn't settle well with me though. 

So it's around 11 hours later. 

----------------

1. You grab some hair. It's yours. You didn't notice it until now. It's a mess. It is long. When did it get this long? You can't remember. You don't know why. Then while on the phone talking to your mom, you tell her that you want to get a haircut during Thanksgiving break. Your dad is also on the phone. He asks or tells you to cut off eleven inches of hair. You can't remember if he phrased it as a question, statement, or command. You don't even have eleven inches of hair. You say yes. For the past few years, you've always had the strongest desire to cut your hair in the colder months. You want to cut your hair short in the winter to be a rebel. You want short hair. Your hair is long again. Long hair is annoying. Your hair is a disaster. 

http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2018/10/the-is-actually-me.html

I went through with it. 

I didn't hesitate this time around. I simply told her I want my hair to be shoulder length. 

And nothing more. 

I'm sick of long hair. I'm sick of the feminine parts of my body. Yet I don't hate hearing "her" when someone refers to me anymore. I used to hate hearing "her"; it left a bad vibration in my ears, a bad taste in my throat. Now "her" doesn't feel malicious in my heart. 

 . . . . . .

"Often, I am upset that I cannot fall in love, but I guess this avoids the stress of falling out of it. Are you tired of me yet? I'm a little sick right now, but I swear, when I'm ready I will fly us out of here. 

Ooh~ I'll cut my hair. Ooh~ to make you stare. Ooh~ I'll hide my chest. And I'll figure out a way to get us out of here. 

[...]

Are you dead? Sometimes I think I'm dead. 'Cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head. But I don't wanna fall asleep just yet. 

Ooh~ my eyes went dark. Ooh~ I don't know where. 

[...] 

Get a load of this monster. He doesn't know how to communicate. His mind is in a different place. Will everybody please give him a little bit of space? 

Get a load of this trainwreck. His hair's a mess, and he doesn't know who he is yet." 

-- 'This is Home' by Cavetown 

This song means so much to me. 

For once, I think about myself first and not my characters. 

That's why I included a lyrics video to this song back in September. 

What I put in bold are the lyrics that seem significant to me. 

It's all up to interpretation, I guess. 

got my hair cut :)

Hi. It's 4 am. I was going to try and fall asleep, but I decided to make a quick post instead.

Ok but why? 

Because. I'm a disappointment who makes bad decisions. (fml ,, college stuff ,, eww)

(lol yikes) 

........ uh well anyway, yes, I did. Ya girl Ya boy Ya Blogger Weirdo got a haircut. Yay me :). 

I got quite a few inches cut off. Now my hair is at its shortest it's been in a while. 

Me? Playing with my hair and being happy? More likely than you think. 

It's pretty short now. So yeah, I got through with it. My mid-back length hair is gone. 

(Ok but it's not as short as that haircut I got in 5th grade. I'm not sure if I'm ready to get that again. I mean I have considered it, but it's almost the winter now and it's cold outside.) 

But I didn't take a picture yet. I forgot to, I'm sorry. 

If you didn't get the memo from my story and my previous personal trash posts from back in the day, I like seeing guys with long hair and girls with short hair. 

Girls with shaved heads. Mm yes, that too. 

Opposites. Screw gender roles. Screw gender norms. Do whatever the heck you want with your hair. 

My goal, which lasted for at least a year, is to become an androgynous cryptid. Am I succeeding? Not really. But is it a Goal TM? Oh yes. Yes it is. 

(I'm barely awake. Can you tell? :'D) 

I started thinking about long-haired Fierdan in Cincernum and now I think his long hair is hecking beautiful. Mind you (<< what) that his long hair when he's in Cincernum is pretty disgusting. But it's still pretty. Dark long hair is pretty. It's pretty and disgusting. That describes Fierdan perfectly, actually. 

But having long hair is annoying and requires a lot of work. I complain to myself about my hair all the time. So having it not be long is something I wanted for a while. 

Honestly, I just wanted to keep my hair long for prom. Then I wanted to cut it short. 

.. Honestly, it's not short-short. It's shoulder-length. The ends of my hair reach my shoulders. It doesn't get any lower than that. 

... my eyes hurt. :"D 

Oh and yesterday was Black Friday. Nice. (ok sure) 

My mood about Thanksgiving was so different this year than last year. I was dreading it last year (lmao). I was excited for Thanksgiving break this year and wanted it to come faster. Because.. break. 

I want to die before December comes for totally different reasons this year! 8D

(yeet!)

I keep on having random unrelated thoughts pop up in my head. This isn't helping, cursed brain. Oh look, it's nearly 5 am now. 

I still need to write that Distortion poem. I wanted to write it since October. And what is it now? Late November. (smh) 

I live to disappoint myself and all the people who care about me. I'm too happy to be depressed. And yet.. me. I feel like I'm concentrating incorrectly. I'm paying attention to what you're saying, but am I concentrating on your words or putting too much thought into pretending I am? Concentrating on finishing assignments at the last minute is easy to do. Sometimes, my anxiety serves as an alarm clock that works better than the one on my phone. I hate hearing the sound of other people's phone alarms going off. Can't really escape that when living in the dorms though. I think my ears are more sensitive to noise than I thought before starting college. I have been irritated for a few weeks now, but I don't lash out like I used to. I'm not sure if it's a sign of improvement or that I'm too scared to talk about my honest feelings. I'm probably overthinking. She probably doesn't hate me. And if she doesn't, then that means she's simply ignoring my existence completely. Ahh, roommates. But with other people, I feel like I've become more talkative. That could be a sign of improvement and hope for me, sure, but that doesn't mean I don't always regret some of the things I said when the conversations are over. I say stupid things; I do stupid things. I don't think I'll ever not regret something I said. I'm stupid yet people tell me they're proud of me and impressed by me. I don't get it. I'm barely trying. I don't know how my papers turned into four pages, five pages.. eight pages, nine pages. I guess I did have a lot to say. I didn't know what to write when I started, but I ended up writing a lot. Too much. I don't know how to cut and tie the ends of my trains of thought. They just go on and on and on. I rarely talk yet I never shut up. That's ironic. They probably think I was talkative in high school when literally the opposite is true. I talk more because I want to be liked. I want friends. I'm still lonely though. Does that mean they don't like me enough? People reply to me less and less. I'm trying but I also want to fail. I want to live but I also want to die. I want to be happy but I'm not. I'm not. It's all pretend. They don't deserve to know the truth about me. That I'm a complete disaster. It's all fake. I don't think I can even be real anymore. My real self can only be hated. Maybe I'm in a constant state of disconnection (that's different than the one in high school) because I have to be fake in order to be liked. Yet all this fakeness is killing me just as much as my realness. I like to hide myself behind my characters. So like Duke said, I'm.. just.. nothing. I am nothing. I'm trying everything, but nothing is all I'll be. - S.

x x x x x 

home for now :')

Hi, it's me. 

And I am back with another post. 

... *hits "published" instead of "draft"* oh no --

Well anyway, I'm back home. For now. 

I came back yesterday. I had to take a train, transfer to another train, and take a bus. And other things too, but I don't want to bore you guys about my "coming home from college Adventures TM".

I had to do that train thing almost every Thursday for my class trips. Haha cool. 

Anyway, I woke up and sat up in my bed this morning. Then my cat, Thelma, who was in the room with me walked over to my bed and came up to me purring. 

Today's Thanksgiving. But before that...

Thelma was lying down in the kitchen. I picked her up (because that's what I do; she's a good cat to pick up and hold, ok) and she started purring. 

Thelma, wow, I love her. She's so good. <3 ;v; 

I also decided to look nice today, so I took a picture of myself. (lmao)

(When will I not look like a dork in photos? The answer is never. That is impossible. For I am a hecking fool.) 

Wow, my hair is long. I just fully realized how long my hair has gotten. I didn't get my hair cut in so long. Haha yeah, it's way past my shoulders now. 

I'm getting a haircut tomorrow morning. Ah, but my hair is a thick wreck mayhem thing. Yikes. 

I want to cut it short. Will I go through with it? Let's find out! (ahahahahaha) 

I attempted makeup too (which is a rare occurrence for me lol that's why it doesn't look good). 

I have my S necklace on because that is me. I am S. Ok that's like.. Me. 

Ok but like imagine me taking a picture of myself tomorrow and my hair is short. Heck yeah. Like huh, who is this blogger weirdo? What is hair? Huh??

What is hair? Huh?? 

H u h ?????

oh and the may ones too (fierdan)

I was just looking at the skits I posted in May. I love those ones too. Maybe I like the skits from March a little more, but the ones from May are also nice and interesting. 

... *hold up* 

Hi. Hope you enjoy the pictures I put in the last post. I was a little sad on Friday; I was a lot more sad on Sunday. I'm still sad. But I'm not stressed over my classes today (Tuesday), so I feel a little better. There's no assignment I have to finish in the morning before class. That's a first. It feels nice. I can sleep in. 

... *ok* 

The "white room, white floor, white walls, etc." in my most recent skit is something I put in the skit intentionally. It's a reference to a poem I wrote in December, and to be honest, I still like it quite a lot. 

It's about Danny's (aka story 2 Post-Fierdan) PTSD and his issues with his past nickname (Fierdan). 

It's called: "Kill The Name (He Died That Day)"

;~; <3 ;-; 

I love how I ended it so much. He's always going to be haunted. Even after years of being in "recovery" he's still haunted by his past. (ahh, my boy! </3 ;;,) 

Well anyway... *ahem*

May skits appreciation moments: 

• Unknown (talking to Fierdan): .... "You can't just hide behind a mask of nicknames forever, you know. Accepting and reclaiming your own nickname for yourself means nothing. Want to know what will? *goes up close to his head* Taking pride in your real name. You can't hide away forever, Daniel."

I feel like I have to constantly remind myself that Fierdan is nothing more than a nickname. Fierdan is an alias, and it relates to fear. By pronunciation, by the fear he felt/feels, by the fear he wants other people to feel. Fierdan, in a way, is a way for him to be tougher and different from the mundane. 

Fierdan really just means "fears Dan" and "Fier" is a play on the word, "Fire". 

I think it's ironic for some reason. The actual name in Fierdan is in the last three letters. However, there's more emphasis in the pronunciation in the first four letters. 

His name is really just Dan. Or Danny. (Because I like saying "ee" at the end of words, and Danny sounds cuter than just saying Dan.) 

So yes. It's pretty funny how he really just has such a mundane name. It's not that special of a name.  

He likes "hiding behind" all his nicknames (Danny, Fierdan, Dan) because he hates and refuses to be called Daniel. He has bad memories linked to hearing "Daniel" because his father basically ruined that name for him. 

And in a way, that's also ironic. His mother told Z (aka the father) that she would name him. She named him Daniel. She did that with the intention that she didn't want him to have a special name (unlike his brother, Ryen.. which is also a nickname but I won't get into that now). 

But Z still ruined his name. So he distanced himself away from birthname. He hides "Daniel" away by always having masks of nicknames covering it. 

Names, huh..

• "[There's a white void, which I just said. There are three boys sitting and facing forward. Their faces look.. blank. Suddenly, the boy on the left receives multiple gunshots. Then the boy in the middle is surrounded by a dark smoke, and he soon loses the ability to breathe. The boy on the right suddenly gets a sharp object lodged into his chest, and then the blade becomes visible again from just below the back of the boy's left shoulder.]"

I know I focused on the italics part of the "Darkness is Where the Demons Play" skits, but I don't think I ever rambled about this introductory part. 

Rereading this made me realize how graphic I made my skits be. And that's because the story gets pretty graphic. 

Geez, this skit opening is so sad. And painful. Ouch. 

Later on, I explain via a skit character that the reason for the dark opening was because Soulless was causing Fierdan and Duke to visualize their close ones' deaths all over again. 

And their deaths.. yeah, they're not so pleasant. 

Why? Because. I'm mean to my characters. I have no heart. I'm a cruel one. 

- First death- death by gunshots. (Ardere) 

- Second death- death by asphyxiation via black smoke being in the air. Breathing black smoke (which is from black fire btw) is definitely not healthy. The air quality isn't clean there. It's not.. breathable. Very painful, I know. (Finny) 

- Third death- death by intense and significant stabbing (and other stuff is going on as well but being stabbed is what physically kills him). (Duke and Soulless) 

That was actually the second part of the "Darkness is Where the Demons Play" skits. In the first part, the introduction to the skit is a flashback to when/how Fierdan kills Duke (and Soulless too, I guess) in the story. 

It's pretty messed up. What can I tell you? It's supposed to be. It's a messed up process. And by messed up, I mean f*cked up. 

I don't feel like copy and pasting the whole thing onto here. I'll just link to the skit. 

skit.

That Fierdan kiss though. That's messed up. Haha, I know. 

my cursed brain: fierdan kissing.. mm, that's hot. ;) 

I've also been daydreaming about Fierdan/Danny (not sure whether he goes by Danny or Dan then or reclaims Fierdan) being intimate with his boyfriend. I have scenes in my head. 

Him being hugged by his boyfriend. Oh heck yes. Him being kissed by his boyfriend; him kissing his boyfriend. Them under the bed covers together. It's so soft; it makes me happy. :') 

I'm so sick of being surrounded by talk about romance and related topics, and yet here I am thinking about very romantic (and honestly at some much, much later time, pretty damn sexual) scenes involving the character best known as Fierdan. That's ironic! Me! I'm ironic! 

Anyway, Fierdan's emotional/passionate kissing scenes bring Duke's down to shame. Just how it is with their voices and hair. (haha) 

Fierdan is just that beautiful. He's just,, so hecking good. (hhhhh) 

... Apparently, it is almost 3:30 in the morning. Wow, I wasn't paying attention to the time. 

You can find the two other May skits I mentioned in this post after you click the one I put a link here for. I don't think there are many posts between them. There's always my archive at the bottom of the blog. Yeah, it shouldn't be too much trouble to find the other posts. 

Bye. :)

Central Park 11/1

Finally- a post without me rambling about my awful story and characters! *claps*

(No profanity here either. I've grown tired of censoring those words. Been typing it more often, I know, sorry 'bout that.) 

So anyway, I went with my class to Central Park a few weeks ago. On November 1st, the weather was gorgeous. It was a good day. :) 

Here are some pictures I took: 

The leaves started changing colors.

A fountain that I might have learned the name of but forgot.

Hans Christan Anderson statue. And a duck statue. The duck was stolen before, but it's back in its rightful place. :> 

There was this guy creating giant bubbles. They were so fun to look at. Wow, the lighting in this picture makes the bubbles look colorful and even more pretty. Did anyone blow bubbles as a kid? It was like that but a lot bigger. 

This is part of a slightly larger picture I took. I just screenshot and cropped it. There are constantly people all over it. Didn't feel like posting them on here, haha. This is the Alice in Wonderland statue. Well, part of it. That's not the whole statue. 

Shakespeare Garden. <3 

Why did we go to Central Park? Why, because we read Stuart Little! ^o^ 

We also passed the preparations for the NYC marathon. I think it was that..? 

Oh and when I went with friends to have lunch, there was a pigeon who ate chicken. Haha, silly bird. 

And there were wedding photos being taken in the park. For more than one wedding. 

And we saw the little boats in the boat pond. Because.. Stuart Little. That little mouse child. What a kid. 

Then as a class, we went to a coffee-and-similar-things café. I got a raspberry lemonade. It wasn't that sweet. 

I think that's it. So yeah, it was a nice trip. :)