got my hair cut :)

Hi. It's 4 am. I was going to try and fall asleep, but I decided to make a quick post instead.

Ok but why? 

Because. I'm a disappointment who makes bad decisions. (fml ,, college stuff ,, eww)

(lol yikes) 

........ uh well anyway, yes, I did. Ya girl Ya boy Ya Blogger Weirdo got a haircut. Yay me :). 

I got quite a few inches cut off. Now my hair is at its shortest it's been in a while. 

Me? Playing with my hair and being happy? More likely than you think. 

It's pretty short now. So yeah, I got through with it. My mid-back length hair is gone. 

(Ok but it's not as short as that haircut I got in 5th grade. I'm not sure if I'm ready to get that again. I mean I have considered it, but it's almost the winter now and it's cold outside.) 

But I didn't take a picture yet. I forgot to, I'm sorry. 

If you didn't get the memo from my story and my previous personal trash posts from back in the day, I like seeing guys with long hair and girls with short hair. 

Girls with shaved heads. Mm yes, that too. 

Opposites. Screw gender roles. Screw gender norms. Do whatever the heck you want with your hair. 

My goal, which lasted for at least a year, is to become an androgynous cryptid. Am I succeeding? Not really. But is it a Goal TM? Oh yes. Yes it is. 

(I'm barely awake. Can you tell? :'D) 

I started thinking about long-haired Fierdan in Cincernum and now I think his long hair is hecking beautiful. Mind you (<< what) that his long hair when he's in Cincernum is pretty disgusting. But it's still pretty. Dark long hair is pretty. It's pretty and disgusting. That describes Fierdan perfectly, actually. 

But having long hair is annoying and requires a lot of work. I complain to myself about my hair all the time. So having it not be long is something I wanted for a while. 

Honestly, I just wanted to keep my hair long for prom. Then I wanted to cut it short. 

.. Honestly, it's not short-short. It's shoulder-length. The ends of my hair reach my shoulders. It doesn't get any lower than that. 

... my eyes hurt. :"D 

Oh and yesterday was Black Friday. Nice. (ok sure) 

My mood about Thanksgiving was so different this year than last year. I was dreading it last year (lmao). I was excited for Thanksgiving break this year and wanted it to come faster. Because.. break. 

I want to die before December comes for totally different reasons this year! 8D

(yeet!)

I keep on having random unrelated thoughts pop up in my head. This isn't helping, cursed brain. Oh look, it's nearly 5 am now. 

I still need to write that Distortion poem. I wanted to write it since October. And what is it now? Late November. (smh) 

I live to disappoint myself and all the people who care about me. I'm too happy to be depressed. And yet.. me. I feel like I'm concentrating incorrectly. I'm paying attention to what you're saying, but am I concentrating on your words or putting too much thought into pretending I am? Concentrating on finishing assignments at the last minute is easy to do. Sometimes, my anxiety serves as an alarm clock that works better than the one on my phone. I hate hearing the sound of other people's phone alarms going off. Can't really escape that when living in the dorms though. I think my ears are more sensitive to noise than I thought before starting college. I have been irritated for a few weeks now, but I don't lash out like I used to. I'm not sure if it's a sign of improvement or that I'm too scared to talk about my honest feelings. I'm probably overthinking. She probably doesn't hate me. And if she doesn't, then that means she's simply ignoring my existence completely. Ahh, roommates. But with other people, I feel like I've become more talkative. That could be a sign of improvement and hope for me, sure, but that doesn't mean I don't always regret some of the things I said when the conversations are over. I say stupid things; I do stupid things. I don't think I'll ever not regret something I said. I'm stupid yet people tell me they're proud of me and impressed by me. I don't get it. I'm barely trying. I don't know how my papers turned into four pages, five pages.. eight pages, nine pages. I guess I did have a lot to say. I didn't know what to write when I started, but I ended up writing a lot. Too much. I don't know how to cut and tie the ends of my trains of thought. They just go on and on and on. I rarely talk yet I never shut up. That's ironic. They probably think I was talkative in high school when literally the opposite is true. I talk more because I want to be liked. I want friends. I'm still lonely though. Does that mean they don't like me enough? People reply to me less and less. I'm trying but I also want to fail. I want to live but I also want to die. I want to be happy but I'm not. I'm not. It's all pretend. They don't deserve to know the truth about me. That I'm a complete disaster. It's all fake. I don't think I can even be real anymore. My real self can only be hated. Maybe I'm in a constant state of disconnection (that's different than the one in high school) because I have to be fake in order to be liked. Yet all this fakeness is killing me just as much as my realness. I like to hide myself behind my characters. So like Duke said, I'm.. just.. nothing. I am nothing. I'm trying everything, but nothing is all I'll be. - S.

x x x x x