(take a sip, babes)
Oh but why would you do such a thing, Cutepups? Well, for a few reasons. Ever since I made that first recent post about Duke, I wanted to read my chapters again. I wanted to read what I wrote down for some pivotal scenes in the story. I also wanted to laugh at and criticize how I wrote in the past.
I was 14 and 15 when I wrote these old chapters. I'm so disconnected to the version of myself from back then. I rambled on in several distracting colors before starting the actual chapters. I left many, cringe-worthy comments. I'm looking at them like "yikes".
I still want to edit/rewrite the story when I get a chance. I like how my writing improved- what I wrote in 2017 looks better than what I wrote in 2015. And I think now that I'm older and take writing courses in college, my writing for the story could be better in quality (structure, grammar) than the last chapter I posted.
I also read over some of my chapters while imagining how the story would go if the characters are always human. There would be no "fox", "wolf", "tail", "paw" (and the plural versions of those words) in the story. I also imagined having different names for the places and names (Fierdan's dad/Z, Duke's dad, Duke's last name, Sparkle's name, Fauna's name.. yeah ok lol).
Oh and Duke and Twinkle would be 17 years old from the beginning. The story would end when Duke is close to 18, but he never reaches that age. Dawn would be 16, and she recently turned that age. Fierdan would be 19 at the youngest.
If I ever do edit/rewrite, I'm going to change some things (just listing the things I didn't mention before):
• Fauna isn't originally blind. There really isn't any good reason for me to make her blind if she's going to have sight. It just sounds gross and ableist to me.
• Ardere as a human wouldn't be a wolf pup. He would be 13 years old (and Fauna would be 14).
• I add that the characters eat and drink things (I think it's crazy that I never wrote that they do..?).
• Ardere's family is from a different culture/country/land(?) against the one the rest of the characters are in. Ardere's father holds a leadership status in their (much smaller than the one the other characters are in) culture/country/land. Ardere crossed the border of the land his father rules to go into the land where Duke, Twinkle, Dawn, etc. are in. Ardere's father is angry at Ardere for leaving his family and entering the land of their enemy.
• The characters don't say "psycho" as an insult. They just don't. I hate how often I put that in old chapters. The only time I'll leave is when Fauna calls Fierdan a "psychopath" after he took her to Cincernum because I love how I made him clarify to her what a psychopath actually is and how he isn't one.
• I use actual swear words throughout the story. Saying things like "poop" and "gosh darn it" throws away the intensity of the sentences the characters say when they are meant to be swearing. They obviously mean "crap" or "shit" by "poop", and "god damn it" by "gosh darn it".
... and other things that I think I mentioned before.
Now I'm going to write down my reactions I had while reading my old chapters. :'D
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Chapter 25:
• "The heat, hot as boiling blood, washing over me." Wow, Duke, you're an edgy boy. Look at how obsessed he is with blood by comparing heat to hot boiling blood. How does Duke even know what boiling blood is like? How is heat like hot blood washing over him? What do you mean, Duke boy? I don't understand.
• "As if by cue, I watch Duke's body convulse and cough up blood. His body then quivers like it's cold." Twinkle just watches Duke cough up blood. I totally forgot that Duke threw up (which is what he does) blood in the story already. Haha, how hardcore.
• "This isn't just ordinary heatstroke." This sentence made me laugh. What does that even mean? Did I not know what heatstroke is? Was I thinking of heat exhaustion? Maybe I meant that people don't usually cough/throw up blood? But I think people in heatstroke feel like they have a very warm body temperature.. right?
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Chapter 26:
• ""I'll get you, I'll get you! I'll kill every one last of you! I'll kill you!"" This might be the first sign that Eternal (Duke's father) isn't that good of a person. We all should know that Calliah (Duke's mother) wasn't a good parent to him, but I think this should be the first sign that maybe Duke's dad wasn't that good of a parent either. And later on in the story, it turns out he's a pretty bad father.
• How come there's no appreciation for Duke's POV? I actually like it quite a bit. It's so meaningful. Duke doesn't understand his connection to Fierdan, so he's a confused boy. Hearing "Fierdan" over and over frustrated him and he freaks out.
• Twinkle's POV is honestly the last truly humorous part of the story. Nothing else is as funny and stupid. Sure, I wrote chapters following this one as a joke because I was treating the story as a complete joke. But now that I think about it, even those parts I tried to write as jokes are actually very sad and tragic (@ Duke, @ Fierdan).
• ""I mean Twinkle. Duh! Haha, haha!"" I can hear exactly how Duke sounds when he says this. Duke loudly saying "haha" and Twinkle looking concerned at Duke. Why is Duke saying "haha" in addition to laughing? Compared to what Duke turns into in later chapters, I think Duke in the 20s arc is such a sweet and awkward dork. He's pure because he isn't officially corrupted yet. You just gotta love this kid. He's such a dork.
• "He replies with, "I have to pee."" I can hear Duke suddenly lowering his voice and sounding serious when he says this. It throws Twinkle off. He's just telling Twinkle that he in fact has to pee. He says it so casually too.
• That part when I typed in all caps. Duke and Twinkle yelling at each other. Look how silly they were back then (in this chapter). I think it's pretty cute.
• "I walk closer and sniff the pale, bright green substance that now drips down his shoulder. It smells like mint." The connection to the mint mentioned in Duke's POV. The first sign of how important it is and what it represents. And by that, I mean Dawn, Fierdan, and their past.
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Chapter 29:
• "He ends with, "In his demonic form, he is the duke of them. The original being the king. The current him being the duke."" Eternal thinks Fierdan is a king, and that Duke is a duke. Aww, he thinks Fierdan is royalty. Well, Fierdan is an amazing character, so he deserves to be viewed as a king. King Fierdan.. hell yeah.
• "Tears run down his face. I trace the path of one of his tears with a finger. I stare at that finger, it still covered in ice-flames. I put the arm back around Duke; back into the hug. Duke might not know what I've been through. I might not know what he's going through. But that doesn't divide us. Not in the very least. Everything fades to a dull gray around us two, in my eyes yet again. Us two are the only life among the dead. Then our lips touch." This is the end of Twinkle's POV. I totally forgot about this intimate scene between her and Duke. This is so soft and good. It's cute. Now that so much has happened since this part of the story, reading this makes me feel a little sad and nostalgic for them. A chapter later, and their relationship starts turning a little toxic. It's not ruined yet. Duke isn't corrupted by his knowledge of Fierdan yet. He's just upset that he keeps on hearing that name. Duke doesn't know what that means, and he doesn't want Twinkle to leave him. And it doesn't sound that toxic and manipulative. Twinkle doesn't know what's happening to Duke. They're gentle. Their kiss has no implications that either of them want to dominate/overpower the other.. unlike the kiss scenes in later chapters.
• "Who is Fierdan? Why is this not escaping my mind, no matter how hard I try? I feel myself breaking, starting from my heart and then spreading out." Duke really doesn't know anything about Fierdan and their connection. He's so lost and confused. I think it's a little cute. Poor Duke. He feels like he's falling apart. He's starting to go crazy. He knows his heart is involved in the whole mess. That's why he can (metaphorically) feel his heart breaking first and then the rest of his body.
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Chapter 30:
• ""Just a spirit, Calliah? JUST A DARN SPIRIT?"" Why all the caps? That's weird. Pfft, we know Fierdan was really saying "damn spirit" since we (ok, maybe it's just me) imagine him swearing and using explicit language a lot.
• "He simply shrugs as he replies casually, "What do you expect? I'm one of many talents, and I hold a whole lot of power. I'm the ruler of them all. No matter what they say."" Maybe I should clarify that Soulless is possessing Fierdan in this chapter. Soulless makes Fierdan have such an ego. He even kisses Calliah. That's another messed up thing. Soulless-possessed Fierdan is so lustful here, which makes him seem even more creepy and hot. Fierdan.. god damn. King Fierdan? Oh hmm...
• Ooh, this is the Night of the Black Flames chapter! Oh, Duke is going downhill from here. Poor kid.
• "Wait, where did my gray T-shirt go? It's replaced with this bright, somewhat glossy, only black jacket." Oh ok, Duke got his black jacket (and shirt and pants) after he got covered in the black fire. I should've said that Duke's entire head got covered in the flames. Because I think after this chapter, his hair should be very dark brown throughout and not just at the ends.
• "Why do I feel happier sleeping alone tonight? Why do I not care about Twinkle anymore? Why..." Oh heck, their relationship is going down. Duke begins his toxic asshole phase.. yikes!
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Chapter 31:
• "Some would think of it as a burden. Some would think of it as an advantage that always overpowers the weak. Some would think of it as being one's sword and shield in the Battle of Life. Some would think of it as being yet another battle scar as each one of us fights our- and only our- Battle of Life. But what if I told you I don't believe in any of that? Everyone always says something along the lines, "Every day is a new page in your very own book, your very own Book of Life." If only everyone else can just simply understand. Surviving to the next day is a battle in itself. Every day is a battle that we're required to fight each and every day. Some endings lead to great things; great lives. Others not as much. And that's where I come in. Trapped inside this complex world of laws and orders. And of consequences." Duke's soliloquy though. It's so sudden, but I still like it so much. I love when Duke suddenly sounds philosophical. He sounds kinda smart. And it sounds sad. This means a lot to me. And how he addresses the reader ("you"). He does it again later on. I don't know why, but I love when Duke goes all deep on us. I love him wtf. <3
• ""We didn't really get along the way I expected us to, last time we met. My apologies."" and "I think we should properly introduce ourselves," he moves out of the deep black shadows revealing his actual body, "The name's Fierdan."" This is Soulless-possessed Fierdan again. What a guy. What an asshole. Fierdan sounds so rude here. It's almost as if he's really a villain. Wow, what a false belief. Haha. And since Soulless is controlling Fierdan here, it's not even his actual body. Fierdan's true body hasn't even been revealed yet in any chapter.
• "He notices the sudden fiery wings, and he remarks, "I see you've developed my father's orange flaming powers as well."" and "He replies, "Your orange flames remind me of my father. You need to learn something, okay?"" and ""I do not like my father. Do not be like him. Understood?"" What? This doesn't make sense, Fierdan? Soulless, just.. what? Fierdan's father doesn't have any fire powers. His mother is another story. She's the reason why he and his siblings have Elemental Powers (such as fire). Maybe I should clarify that Fierdan was thinking of his father's eyes and how he (and yeah, Duke too) have the same eyes as him (well, regarding their color). They can look like fire in the light.. kind of.
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Chapter 32:
• ""Isolated?" Dawn finishes my sentence, and then puts her hat back on. "Yes, yes I am. No worries, though. I've managed to live through it. No worries...." She doesn't feel comfortable talking about her past. Just like Duke and me. Perhaps we aren't as unlike her as we first initially thought." Dawn tells Twinkle and Duke that she lives isolated from the rest of society, but she refuses to go into more detail. Honestly, this though. The meaning behind her words hurts me now. It's painful. I love Dawn so much. Her past consisted of abuse and toxic behavior by others. Like of course she's happy to be alone. People have always hurt her.
• "How am I ever going to forget those black flames of death and destruction?" from Twinkle's POV. "Who am I? A fox human? A demon? A monster? A phantom? Where do I truly belong? Not in this world. That's where." from Duke's POV. Ahh, my heart! They're both scared of what's happening to Duke. Even Duke is scared. He sounds more afraid than Twinkle. She just sounds wary. Duke is beginning to question whether or not he's even still human. Oh, this makes me sad. Oh geez.
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Chapter 33:
• "Getting fed up with him, I say much louder this time, "What's gotten into you? Ever since Dawn left, you've been acting like a total jerk."" (Twinkle). ""You have no idea what I'm going through."" (Duke). Yep, their relationship is going downhill. Can they properly communicate and understand each other after the event of the Night of the Black Flames? It seems not.
• Then Duke turns into an evil, possible homicidal, guy. Geez, what an asshole. Their relationship sure isn't that healthy anymore. How tragic.
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Chapter 39:
• I think Twinkle's POV here has some funny aspect to it. But it's not that silly fun like in Chapter 26. It's just how everyone is reacting to Duke. They're so scared of him. Ok but why? What is this? That's so weird.
• When Duke snaps by yelling at a boy who accidentally hit his black jacket with a sandy beachball, and Duke showing off his orange fire. Just.. excuse me? Duke, that's messed up. You're making others believe you're evil and scary. I have to admit I used to think about Duke in this part of the chapter a lot. He's one threatening boy, alright. I can kinda see a parallel to Duke with Taurel in the forest (like in Chapters 74-75) and Duke with Risak in the basement. When Duke tries to become all scary and threatening towards others.
• "He turns back around to the poor little kid again. He screeches, his fiery wings moving with the soft breeze, "WHY DON'T I JUST KILL YOU NOW!"" Whoa, whoa, whoa! Duke! You can't just threaten strangers, never mind children, with murder. That's rude!
• "I hear Duke shriek again. "THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO REPAY FOR WHAT YOU DID! FOR EVERYONE TO PAY! EVERYONE HAS TO PAY FOR THEIR ACTIONS! EVERYONE HAS TO DIE!" " and ""THE WORLD FIRST HAS TO BURN BEFORE IT'S GOOD AGAIN! EVERYONE HAS TO DIE!"" Oh geez, Duke. Now he's making homicidal threats to everyone. Damn, he's pretty messed up. That's not healthy, Duke, come on now. You should know better. And why are you screeching and shrieking in all caps? Duke, you're being way too loud. I guess you want everyone there to hear you, huh.
Chapter 40:
• "Were her lips always so cold-looking; did I just notice that now? Is it because she possesses the power of ice, or is it because of another reason? No matter the explanation, I feel the urge to warm them up." and "Despite feeling my wrist and nearly avoiding the fire from them a little under an hour ago after she saved my life by dragging me into this alley, she now feels cold. Bodies being colder than average unnerves me; it unsettles me. I just can't live that way. Without another word from either of us, I lean forward and press my lips onto Twinkle's. I immediately feel the coolness of her lips, just like every other time we kissed. It burns at first, but then subsides." Mmmmmm omg hot damn. This chapter though. A kiss (more like kisses since it's definitely plural in this chapter) scene in Duke's POV. There's definitely a different mood here than in Chapter 29. Duke thinking he's all-powerful like he's some type of ruler/leader. He's like, "I choose Twinkle. She's all mine." Hmm, sounds a little toxic perhaps? Duke thinks Twinkle is cold, he doesn't like that so he kisses her. And a long one at that. And then it follows by a lot more. Yeah uh ok.
• "Finally breathless, we sit down to catch our breaths. Our hearts feel like they were shot with a whole lot of adrenaline. "That... Was... Amazing," I gasp. "Duke just nods his head, his eyes closed." and "We fall asleep next to each other. Well, for the moment anyways." I'm sorry but asdfghjkl hhhngfghhh holy shit! I'm reading this now and find it hilarious. Holy shit! Reading this is killing me. Damn it. What the hell is this? They're both being extra here. Talk about being dramatic, pfft. I swear, by making out I meant Duke and Twinkle were just kissing a lot. But now, well, this part sounds strangely very sexual. Umm.. well ok then. Kissing, what a thrill. I for one can't relate. Why did I add this hetero romance? I think I'm gonna cry. This sounds cursed. I swear, the beginning of the quote thing sounds like they did a lot more than just kiss. But that's what they did. Just that. And what the hell dies the end of the quote thing mean? Twinkle, I have questions. They sleep together.. again. For the moment? W-What? It sounds suspiciously like sex to me. Umm? Guys? What the actual fuck? I am deceased.
• "Never let your inner flame be extinguished." Aww, it's Fierdan not acting like an asshole! This is sweet. It sounds poetic.
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Chapter 46:
• [tw: self-harm] "I look at my right arm. I suddenly have a craving for blood. I crave that thick crimson liquid flowing all over me. Just like in the days and nights back then. I haven't hurt myself in so long. Too long. I haven't caused my own blood to pour out of myself for far too long. I need the blood out now. I need the feeling of numbness right now. I need to hurt myself, make myself bleed, so I can be satisfied with myself. I have to, I have to, I just have to!" And here we have Duke being obsessed with his blood. What a cursed and self-destructive individual! Duke is just that guy who needed help since forever. Like, I don't know, his entire life..? Ahh, Duke!
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Chapter 47:
• ""Black flames," he murmurs, "the most beautiful color of flames. They look quite stunning on you, my Fier... I mean Duke sir. Mastering flames is a true art."" What is with this guy? He's so creepy. What does he know about fire? Black fire is apparently the most beautiful color flame. He likes to compliment Duke. Never mind, his comrade nearly died from barely touching the black fire. And the only reason why he didn't die is because the part of his body that came in contact with the fire was immediately cut off.
• "I lick the blood that's pouring out of the cuts on my right wrist and say, "Just remember not to be a stupid fool and to not touch the black flames like your buddy over there did. I'm not really in the mood for killing someone today." For some reason, the taste of my blood feels so good on the tip of my tongue. When I lick the blood from my wrist dry, I bite the palm of my paw hand. Heck, maybe so many people want to break me apart because they want my blood. My... delicious... blood. He cuts off my thoughts about wanting to drink all the blood in my right paw hand so it can feel numb, just like my soul" Wow ok there, Duke! He is definitely obsessed with his blood. He's one bloodthirsty boy. Well, for his own blood. And that just makes it more freaky. And how he just says that he isn't in the mood to kill someone for the day.. wow, he says that so casually. Duke thinks he's a big murderer, I guess? Wow. That's fucked up. He wants to drink all the blood in his hand and wrist, so it can feel numb.. like his soul! That sounds edgy! So bloodthirsty Duke, huh...
• "I blink. "Are you saying I'm only Fierdan's bad traits? Because you're very stupid then. Fierdan was never cruel and heartless. It was--"" (Duke). ""Oh, but who actually did the killing in the end? It was him, your past self, and you can't deny that."" (Creepy Man). "I continue to stare at my feet. "It was never his fault. It's Zios and Mira's Fierdan's father's and his subordinates' fault. It's their fault, it's theirs, they caused this hell!" My black flames move more quickly." (Duke). Well.. damn. Creepy Man's anger.. Duke's desperation and throwing the blame away from Fierdan.. wow.
• "Without warning, he slams his fist into the left side of my face at the jawline. I feel my teeth ringing in my head due to the impact. Blurry images spin in my head. I grab my knees and cough. "Stop lying, darn it! You're not gonna escape this time! You can't escape any longer, darn you!" I start coughing up blood. I feel like I'm dying inside, but my black flames are still shooting out just as strongly as they were a few minutes ago." Oh heck, there's violence. Oh damn. Duke coughs up blood again. Ouch. That sounds painful.
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Chapter 49:
• "Soulless sneers in my ear as they hold me up by these pale purple strings. They tie underneath my arms as if I'm a freaking puppet. Of course that demon, that darn Soulless, uses the phantom powers they gave to me against myself right now. Despite feeling my armpits stinging because of those darn strings, I still glare into those huge white eyes. Even though Soulless is hanging me, by my freaking arms, a few feet above the ground swinging me back and forth in front of their face, I don't allow anyone to see any sign of weakness in me." and "But here in Cincernum with just the two of us, with the possibility of another person living or dead seeing us being impossible, Soulless lets go of me. This is the only place where Soulless lets go." and "There's only one person who I can show my true weakness to. That person's name is Fierdan. Anyone besides myself, I don't allow them to be aware of my weaknesses. At least not under my consent. But when I can help it, I don't even give Soulless the satisfaction of seeing me weak. Nobody deserves to see the real me. Nobody deserves to know how weak and fragile I am. Nobody at all, especially that savage Soulless forced me to make nearly fifteen eighteen years ago. No matter how weak I really am, I must always be stronger than Duke. To keep him at bay, to be able to secretly kill him without Soulless knowing." First time through Fierdan's POV on how broken he really is. Soulless is supposed to be an abuser. Wow, I randomly decided to give Soulless they/them pronouns because they're a character but not exactly male or female! Wow, I did that! Darn you, Cutepups! Aha, but there are characters later who aren't abusive who use those pronouns. I just.. I just need to write more of this freaking story. Ahh! Well anyway, Fierdan is the original puppet of melancholy. Their relationship though. That's toxic, alright. It's definitely not healthy. Fierdan doesn't want anyone to see what I now call his true body. He's actually very weak and, yes, broken. His emotions are out of wack. He's numb; he's struggling on dealing with his trauma. Oh and yeah, it's revealed that Fierdan wants Soulless and Duke to die. Oh geez.
• "I wish more than anything to be there witnessing Soulless dying. Finally weak, begging me for mercy as I make Duke kill himself and Soulless. To at long last witness Duke slaughter Soulless. No, I won't be the one doing any killing. I'll just be there watching Duke do all the killing. The demon's puppet killing his master." Well.. shit. Fierdan, what a guy. He's not exactly that morally good character yet. He never is quite there in story 1. Post-Fierdan (@ story 2) is a lot different than how he is in story 1. Fierdan has cruel intentions. He wants Duke to kill Soulless, which would also mean killing himself. Damn, Fierdan, that's pretty fucked up. Oh and by the way, this is before the idea comes up that Fierdan would kill Soulless himself through Duke, resulting in both of their deaths. That's Cincernum Fierdan and Fierdan Straight Out Of Cincernum for you! He can still be pretty cruel.
• ""The agreement, Fierdan! The DUKE agreement, Fierdan! The agreement that makes it unknown that you really are just a sick, puny, worthless--" "The agreement that will cause the ending of both you and Duke, Soulless. The agreement which will cause the end of you, Soulless. You really don't know," I spit at Soulless, "what I'm capable of. You will regret every, single, darn (damn, fucking) thing you did to me." I can't wait for that day. The day I cause the deaths of my two outside demons. But even when they die, the demons in my head stay. Because those demons, they're trapped in my head forever. And they won't ever escape. Those thoughts of wanting to die, those thoughts of guilt after murdering person after person, those thoughts of resentment... They stay with me as long as I'm not 100% dead." Oh shit, oh shit! Fierdan is really out there standing up for himself. Fierdan threatens Soulless. Ahh! The italics though. Oh by the way, Fierdan, you're traumatized. It's harderto get rid of the demons in your head than the ones around you. What is this? Fierdan has suicidal thoughts (but is too afraid to kill himself) and has (as I put it in my recent skit post) so much guilt that it's pouring into his bloodstream.
• "Worthless, helpless, nothing. You'll never be as amazing as them. You, just, suck. Stop thinking you're a special snowflake. You're a mistake. Everyone's better than you. You should just die again, and again, and again. Do it... She's dead. The voice says all of a sudden. Just like how you should be. Stupid, stupid girl." Dark thoughts, alright. A voice in Twinkle's head giving her bad thoughts. Yikes @ that "special snowflake" part. The voice telling her she should die. That she's better off dead. Ouch, my heart.
• "After waiting a few minutes and not hearing that voice again, I murmur, "I've gotta admit it. I actually do kinda miss you, mom and dad."" Twinkle misses her parents. See? There is a possible reason why she left in the 70s arc to go find her parents. It's revealed she missed them since Chapter 49. Aww.
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Wow, I've been typing on this post nonstop for around three hours now.
I saved this post as a draft a few hours ago. I'm typing this at 10 pm now.
Haha, this post must be long.
Hey, but now we're at that part in the story when Duke looks like this.
Ooh yes, my boy! :o
(But I do hate him too. He's just.. ugh *sighs* :/)
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Chapter 50:
Chapter 50:
• "I hear Finny speaking. "Are you sure going to the extremes is really that necessary?"" This is when Finny starts becoming hesitant on blindly accepting what Taurel and Risak plan to do. By "extremes" I should say he is referring to their plan on taking Duke as a hostage and then torturing him. Like, legit torture. Wow, that's fucked up! Finny does not accept. Finny isn't obsessed with violence like the people around him (ok and Duke too.. that guy's pretty violent).
• ""Your plans are sick! You're monsters; you can't just do that to a person! You promised I would be contributing for the greater good! This wasn't part of the deal!"" (Finny). "Risak holds tighter onto Finny's wrists. "If you still have feelings for your insane friend, Fierdan, then you should go rot in hell!"" (Risak). "Tears streaming down his face, Finny cries, "His name is Duke, and he has done nothing wrong! Fierdan is a completely different person! There's no need for all this! There really isn't!"" (Finny). "Risak squeezes Finny's wrists even harder. "You don't get it, kid. Duke isn't a normal fox human, there's something about him. He's dangerous; he's growing to become a heartless murderer just like his prior self! There's something about him we also want to figure out, but that's not for you two kids."" (Risak). ""No, he isn't! No, no, no! No!" Finny desperately shouts, trying to wriggle out of Risak's reach. Unfortunately, the older fox's man's strength exceeds Finny's. "I'll show you--"" (Finny). "Before he can finish his sentence, I watch in horror as Risak lifts Finny off the floor by his two wrists. I stare wide-eyed at the sudden look of terror on his face. A second later, he is thrown at the opposite wall." Oh.. damn! That's Risak, the guy that Duke eventually kills. But I don't view Duke killing Risak as something positive. It just adds to how fucked up the whole situation in the story is. Poor Finny though. Ouch. He didn't deserve that.
(Now I'm going into Duke's POV. [tw: self-harm mention, alcohol/drugs mention, suicide mention])
• "Floating, surrounded by a dark gray cloud keeping me afloat. Nowhere near the ground, nowhere near heaven, it's just my own hell. That's all. This place is nothing but another version of hell. "You need help," she says. I continue smirking. Where are my clothes? Why is a therapist here?" Duke is just floating in the cryptic liminal space. Oh and he's naked. And a therapist (who shouldn't even be one since she's a joke, pfft) is there for some reason. Duke just accepts that he's in his own personal hell. Wow, he has a hell just for himself. Talk about getting special treatment!
• ""How long have you been cutting?"" Ok but why is Underqualified Therapist randomly asking Duke that? Like, chill lady. I know you're not really there and it's just Duke's imagination, but still.
• "I laugh. I totally forgot about those... those red lines. Why did I ever stop? Living is tortuous; life is a living hell. Blood is fun to play with. I tried to cut into my heart when I was... when I was... The same day, I nearly killed my family member." I pause, no longer smiling. "I nearly sent him drowning. They all called me a murderer. Not that I can blame them. I am one. Everyone I come in contact with... yeah, they all die. You'll die. I'm a bomb. Haha, I'm no fox human. I'm not a living being. I'm... just... nothing." ... "Then I started wrists a few years later. I couldn't fully stop."" Wow.. uh.. fuck. Duke's POV here.. yeah, trigger warning. I worded things kinda pretty graphically. What did Duke miss in Chapter 46? Oh this. Duke is still obsessed with seeing and playing with his own blood. Duke, yeah he's not a healthy role model at all. No one should be like him. Just, like, don't. He's no good. (Yes, I'm critical of Duke's POV in this chapter. Not laughing back at it.). Then he goes on to talk about how he was almost a murderer as a child. Because it relates. Yeah, what a fucked up guy! Yikes. Help him wtf.
• ""I never really wanted to live. I'd take drugs. I'd cut. All I wanted was to destroy my heart. But that made my brain messed up real bad too. So, you know, I was screwed. So why not just die to make it easier? The first night we slept together, same place I mean, I gave us both alcohol. Well, kinda. I mean, wow, thoughts weren't straight. Tossed those cups over the edge. They shattered. Then I thought my mother said she murdered my father for no reason except she's a cruel, old vixen bitch. When I lived with her, she abused me. You know? Because I'm a puppet bomb. Good for her. I love her. I really do. Wanna kill her too. Yeah, fun. Thought she was in a relationship with this arctic wolf man at one point. Drugs, they get to you."" Duke hasn't been all good in the beginning either. He did some fucked up things then too. I guess I did write "drugs" here. Can it just include alcohol? I'm not sure. In the story, Duke isn't a substance abuser.. huh, strange. Duke, sweetie, those aren't healthy coping mechanisms! Not like you care, but still. You're not that pure and happy main character. I could be deemed problematic for writing this and wanting to edit/rewrite it to make it better and more readable for myself! Ok but yeah. The reason the drink Duke gave Twinkle and himself tasted a little weird to Twinkle was because there was alcohol in it. Duke was used to the taste of alcohol; Twinkle most likely was not. He drugged her without her knowing. Oh damn it, Duke, you really can't be a morally good main character. At least it gives some reason on why they threw their cups over the edge from the roof to the ground before. Yeah sure, it could mean they're "breaking away from their pasts" but like.. would people willingly drop and break their cups (no, they're not paper or plastic lol) from a roof if they're completely sober? I think not. They were probably at least a little tipsy. Then Duke just goes into how he has a bad relationship with his mother. He's not sober, so he misheard his mother by thinking she's having a phone call and bragging about how she casually killed her husband (Duke's father) for no reason. Duke being sober in that scene sounds unrealistic to me. I didn't mention alcohol in Twinkle's POV because she didn't know there was alcohol (oh but what are signs of drunkenness?) and why would Duke just say he's a bad boy who drinks alcohol that early in the story? Like..? Ok. Oh and Duke thinks his mother was also cheating on his father with another man. Duke heard wrong or saw things that weren't really there (he hallucinated too). He might've been drunk. But how did Duke even get his hands on alcohol? He's not living with his mom. Does he just steal it from somewhere else? I don't get it. How does he think about his mom cheating on his dad if he doesn't live with either of them? Except if he just thought he heard that when he was tipsy/a little drunk when he heard his mom say she killed his dad. Yeah, uh, it's quite a fucked up family. Oh wait. Didn't Duke say his mom came back and attacked him like a chapter prior to that one? Yeah..? Oh wow, this one is long.
• ""I screw up everything. I love her, I really do. Kissing her was a million times better than that other one. But, wow, I couldn't stop. The mint is like my new drug. I got addicted to it. I screwed up. I hate guys like that. That don't care about their partners. But... I'm not thinking clearly. I hallucinate sometimes."" Duke is talking about Twinkle here. And he brings up romance and his thoughts on it. The mint is like a drug to him. That's weird. Oh and he admits he hallucinated before. So that's that.
• "I miss those good days. Oh wait... what good days? Those days when Soulless and Fierdan didn't occupy my brain. When I didn't know I was... evil. Everything got so dark. Oh gosh, I miss those days. I miss home. I miss those easier days. I miss it. I can't stand it. I miss it way too much. More than I should. I never apologized. I never apologized for being me. I'm sorry I'm such a disaster. I'm sorry you were forced to hate me, to hurt me. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I hurt myself. I'm sorry I'm so lost. I'm sorry I cheated. I'm sorry for everything, including being me. I'm sorry my name only brings up death. I'm sorry for being this dark gray cloud. But I miss you. I miss you. Come back. You don't even have to be happy. I miss you so much, darn it! I can't stand being alone like this! I need you! You are your own person, but I need you. Little kid, teacher, therapist, parents, friends... I miss all of you so much. I hate not being able to communicate anymore. I hate being so cruel. I'm not okay, okay? I never was. But you made it better. Thoughts... thoughts.... thoughts. I left everyone behind. And Twinkle, oh gosh, I am so sorry I'm a fail. I know they're looking for me. I don't care if they shoot me down. I just want to go back. And apologize for being me. To every single one of you. Especially you." This is basically the part when I decided to vent through writing a vent soliloquy in Duke's POV. It's pretty obvious it's a vent. He's a disaster; he's falling apart. Reading this part again hurts me. It's painful. Duke is such a sad boy. He makes me sad. He misses when he didn't become corrupt by knowing the connection he has to Fierdan and Soulless. He feels like he needs to apologize for his existence. He's full of guilt and shame (oh hey, cue Fierdan here). Duke especially wants to apologize to Twinkle for dragging her into this whole mess about him. He knows he can't really communicate that well, at least not anymore. And for some reason, he brings up the idea that he would be shot (oh hey, that's foreshadowing), and he ends the soliloquy by addressing the reader again ("you"). Aww ow, my heart!
-x-x-x
Well, another hour passed. I'm typing this at 11:40-something.
Those were my recent thoughts on rereading my older chapters.
... and now I feel unproductive on yet another Saturday night.
Thanks for reading!
Bye.
oh man this story is amazing!
ReplyDeleteahh, thank you! :o
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