yeah ok problematic blahblahblah

................... ............ ........ So yeah ok, problematic something-something, blah blah blah. 

I've been avoiding explicitly stating my "secret (? idk)" old and new versions of the story plans. Honestly, for well over one year at this point. 

I know it's Very Very Very Bad and Cursed and just about any negative/critical word you can think of. Believe me, I Know. 

I don't care anymore. I'm not sure if I'll survive these last few weeks of the college semester. 

So, you know, whatever. Hey, I'll just write posts about all this god-awful story shit. It's out there. I explained it. 

So like when if I die extremely soon, you'll at least have a starting point on where the story was going and why for the majority of 2016 I "quit" it because of how cursed/problematic/inappropriate it is. 

Now you know why I hate and have such a difficult relationship with this story project! 

I'm expecting backlash for what I've thought/said about my characters. I'm skeptical if I don't. 

Haha, I really won't blame you. 

Ok, ok but.. 

A "theme" of the story is a phrase in my old header banners- "We are the broken." The main characters are the ones saying that in unison. They are the broken. They are broken people. They're not.. whole. They're obviously not perfect. They're problematic. They're not perfectly moral characters. Literally none of my characters are not flawed and are on some problematic spectrum to indicate how problematic they are (like, Fierdan is more problematic than Twinkle, I'd say, but they both have done problematic/immoral actions.. it just depends on the extent). 

The trains of thought/beliefs my characters (I'm looking at Fierdan and Duke especially) Do Not reflect my own morals and values. I really shouldn't have to say this, but I'll feel even more paranoid if I don't. 

Murder is not a good thing. It shouldn't be romanticized. I know that. 

Fierdan and Duke are, in the story canon, murderers who have killed rather violently. It's messed up. I know how fucked up it all is. 

The story as a whole is fucked up. I know, I know, I know, I Know!! 

I know I made countless posts about how I feel sorry for them (because of their pasts) and how much I love them, but that doesn't mean I have to excuse their murders. Just because I really like a character, it doesn't mean I'm ignoring the fucked up shit they did. I can like a character because I like how complex they are. I like "problematic" characters more than "perfect" characters who have done no wrong (to any degree, it doesn't have to be murder, of course). 

And like.. 

Z was also a murderer. He caused many more people to die than Fierdan did. I don't even have a number for how many people Fierdan killed. The only (no bs lies) true murder I really focus on Fierdan doing is Z's. Yeah, he killed Z. Wow, killing your own father is pretty problematic, I'd say. 

I'll say it again. Z was a murderer. He caused a lot more people to (yes, brutally) die than Fierdan. 

And Z was also very abusive. Emotionally and sexually. Fierdan was and is not. 

Not trying to say it, but like, don't go hating Fierdan (who knows how fucked up his actions were that they caused him to eventually be diagnosed with PTSD/C-PTSD.. and the before and after his fucked up actions also lead him to having PTSD/C-PTSD) for killing Z when Z never had any remorse for his actions and was proud of how corrupt Fierdan grew into as an adult.

And Fierdan's life isn't 100% him being the victim, so I'm honestly still hesitant on saying he's mentally ill and traumatized. But can I just say? Yes, he's traumatized a lot by his own actions but other characters did fucked up things to him (looking at you, Soulless) so those people caused him to be even more traumatized. 

And like. Fierdan blames himself a lot. A Lot. It's fucking ugly. Enduring years on end of little to no break of traumatic shit won't make him (or any other character) come out of it as a pleasant happy-looking abuse/trauma survivor. There's no beauty in it. Especially not for Fierdan. 

The same applies to Duke. And he has bad/unhealthy coping mechanisms. It's not supposed to be pure and happy. He's broken. He was never "whole".. he can't be. 

Being murderers fucked them up. Well, Fierdan and Duke. Not Z. That guy is too far gone to be redeemed and loved by the other characters. 

Ok but I will say that Duke murdering Risak is worse than Fierdan murdering Z. Risak wasn't a mass murderer like Z was. The only murder he would have done was if he successfully executed Duke, but he failed that. Duke was filled with rage and anger, so he killed Risak for trying to kill him. Risak tried to kill Duke first. 

And the fact I had them involved in incestuous ships further goes down the path of how problematic they are. I know lmao I'm terrible. 

....... yeah. 

I also know I've been implying that (in story terms only, I swear) murder is better than sexual assault, and murderers can be redeemable while people who have done any kind of sexual assault can't. I know that's something bad too. Haha, I've got a lot of issues with my story writing. 

Oh and Fierdan thinks at some point that Soulless isn't real/never existed and that he made the whole thing with Soulless up. That he thinks he's the reason Soulless is the way they are. That he created Soulless, not Ryen. 

Fierdan also thinks (I'm referring to story 2 now) that Soulless is the "dark side" of his personality, and it came to the surface because of how much fear and rage Fierdan felt. That, or Fierdan thinks he has more than one personality and Soulless is another personality of his. 

He's wrong though. (yeah?) 

Anyway, Duke and Fierdan are very impulsive people. I've been thinking about how much Duke's childhood abuse fucked him up and how his unhealthy coping mechanisms made him even more fucked up, so that relates to how impulsive he is. Duke is extremely impulsive. 

Duke in my most recent skit is supposed to be me trying to show how impulsive he can get when he's falling apart and has no healthy outlet. 

And Duke's impulsiveness can also be a reason why he frequently got into trouble at school. He was a sad and mad boy. He got into fights, he wasn't a "pleasure to have in class" (lol that's my school life), his grades were far from perfect. That's because of school. He had to live in fear (he was abused as a child, like?? does this need further explanation?) and with the drama at school (with Admiral and Finny most of all), so yeah his grades and reputation through the school staff and other students are gonna be low. 

But get Duke healthy outlets and be able to understand his feelings and accept them, and he's going to be a lot better. Duke is very smart. That's why in some skits I made Duke be school smart. He's away from the fear of being abused at home and harassed at school (*cough* Admiral *cough*). Duke is actually disturbingly smart (like that vibe that a person is so intelligent it just gives others the chills). 

It really just goes down to- Duke's severe impulsiveness gets in the way of how smart he wants others to perceive him as being. He hides it behind his attempts of being an idiot. His impulsiveness and lack of knowing healthy coping mechanisms makes him appear less smart. 

Only Fierdan and Ryen (and maybe Calliah too? but idk) are more intelligent than Duke. Plus, Duke's obnoxious cocky behavior gets in the way of how smart he is. But yeah. Duke is like a level lower than Ryen and Fierdan with their genius intellect. 

If Duke took an IQ test, he would have a high IQ. Just saying. 

His disturbingly high intellect (uh, that's pretty intimidating) makes him able to escape and defeat Taurel. After around a week of torture, sure, but his intelligence makes him able to escape at all. 

To sum it up, Fierdan and Duke are ugly when it comes to their actions, but they sure are physically beautiful no matter how beaten up they are. 

(wait, no? what?)

Bye.