nvm back on my bs

hhh pfft i'm dead. 

I mean hi! I am back with another post. :) 

There were two times in the past few hours that the fire alarms in my dorm building went off. It's annoying, it's ridiculous, I hate it. 

irl update: that class I was dreading wasn't bad. I have my class trip starting this afternoon. it's after midnight. yes. 

I can't even come up with a good reason why I was doing this, but I felt like looking at my old art on dA and searching "Fierdan" in the search bar here. 

My old stuff is making me laugh so much. Omg I can't. I was so ridiculous. 

My face could also be described as how I drew Fierdan's in the previous post. 

(problematic and cursed shipping mentions ahead! disturbing sex is also mentioned. yeet.)

-x-x-x- 

I was reading an old poem written in the POV of who I think would be story 2 Post-Fierdan. 

But like. I called him Daniel back then. 

Haha yeah, I totally forgot about that. 

And in this old poem, it was Stella (Twinkle) X Daniel (Post-Fierdan). Which is basically TwinkleXFierdan in skit terms. 

Yeah uhh, that is definitely not going to be a thing. I do not ship that. Nope. I can't. 

In story 2, Stella is 17 and Post-Fierdan is 20. And if not 20, he would turn that age towards the beginning of the story. 

I think I thought I would make Fierdan somehow younger when he becomes "whole" with the Duke part of himself? But like.. why? Just.. no. 

-x-x-x- 

Yikes wow. Back in 2015-16, I wrote at least one poem and skit that were all about DukeXFierdan. I sure did love to ship them back in the day. 

Why was a self-cest ship my OTP? I'm cryign. (intentional typo). 

Yeah, I did that. I forgot about it. 

Honestly, ever since my Depressive Episode of Summer 2016 TM, I forgot nearly everything I put in posts on here and deviations I put on dA before then. Well, except if I go back and read them over later. 

I forgot so much, you guys. Lmao. 

No, I don't ship DukeXFierdan as a couple anymore. I've gained some more sense. 

-x-x-x- 

Honestly, all my old ships with Fierdan (and I guess Duke is also involved) are so gross and cursed and just plain out awful. 

... I'm a little bitter with myself that I made Soulless tell Fierdan that he is their brother. Because, lmao, no. They're not. Ryen is Fierdan's brother, and he made Soulless the way they are. But that doesn't mean Soulless is Fierdan's brother. 

... yeah we both know I'm thinking about DaFier. Yikes. 

DaFier was when I used to plan the story as Dawn and Fierdan as a couple. As in, they're so close to each other because of romance and sex (yeah, eww, I know) instead of their years-long friendship. 

I forgot I wrote things about that. I was so into it too. Wtf--

I swear, I really don't like incest ships... 

.... uhhhh. 'Tis but a change in story plans. 'Tis but a scratch. 

My first dynamic between Dawn and Fierdan was so damn inappropriate. Like ok dang, that was forced heteronormativity. And the whole love triangle thing with Duke instead of Fierdan? Gahh, I am deceased. I killed me. 

Dawn used to be such a creep. In skits, she was basically a stalker. She was obsessed with Fierdan and Duke. Umm.. eww. 

Yet my dumb af self out of nowhere one day wanted to change my whole freaking story plans and make Fierdan and Dawn have the same dead/mysterious/goddess-like mother. I guess I couldn't have come up with a better way to explain some major story things, so I thought it would make more sense if they're related? Like?? I don't get past me either. I really don't. I swear I don't. 

I absolutely do not ship DaFier anymore. I just can't go down that path. It's been bothering me for so long, and so here I am posting my complaints about it now. 

(DaFier is Dawn being shipped romantically/sexually with Fierdan and Duke. Yeah, that's a no go. I hate it. I hate my old self. So, so much.) 

And that's not even the worst part. 

This (very fucking bad) DawnXFierdan concept was (thank god I don't think I ever posted anything about it? I hope--) filled with so much lust. There was a lot of sex in it. And it's pretty damn ironic that I would think this (very fucked up, I Know) very sexual content about them when I was very sex-repulsed. Anyway, I'm way less repulsed now (yes, repulsed), so I'm not afraid or get nauseous after writing or briefly mentioning sex in my posts. (I'm still Bad and deserve Hate and Death, I know but.) 

And (and!) when this was all going on, I would be writing silly things like "Fierdan is gay!" or "Fierdan is bi!" .... ??????? hUH. 

Either that, or I've been wanting Fierdan to be bisexual since the start. But why did I think such cliché problematic hetero shit? Same with Duke, of course. Like?? Hello, past me. I'd like to file a complaint. 

Meanwhile nowadays I like to think about Fierdan having a boyfriend. Girl, who? Girlfriend, who? He won't be in a relationship with Stella. 

Fierdan? Gay? Yes? (hmm)

I still view him as bi though. I don't even know why anymore. I just.. do? 

yeah, yeah ok i'm done. 

-x-x-x- 

I'm not sure you guys understand how disgusted I am with my old ass ideas to make Fierdan have (frequent, hardcore) sex with Dawn. I disgust myself. I am cancelling myself. Bye. 

What I'm planning as story canon now goes so far against that. It's literally the opposite. 

For me to even think of letting Fierdan (no matter his state of corruption) be in a sexual relationship with her is so fucking disgusting. I would hate him completely if he did. It's way too fucked up for me to "redeem" him. It's already very hard considering he (and Duke) are murderers. 

Because like I recently said. In my more recent version of Fierdan and Dawn past events, before being in the project world.. 

Dawn was (is) a victim of csa. That's short for childhood sexual abuse. 

So to think of Fierdan fuck-- well, I'll just kill him with my bare hands. 

Z molested her. Z assaulted her. Did Z rape her? Not sure yet. Not sure I want to go all the way down that.. that route. 

No attraction. Only about power. Dominating. Taking over. There was no love. It was just hateful power. 

-x-x-x- 

Now I finally explained why I think this story is extremely cursed. And why I think no one younger than an older middle schooler (so that would be like 14) at the youngest should read it. 

Yay! :-] 

-x-x-x- 

Anyway, Fierdan/Post-Fierdan/Danny/Dan is a freaking bottom. He's a freaking sub. 

That's what. That's just who he is. 

(Well, when guys (as in, men) fuck him.) 

*crosses out everything because I can't stand myself* 

-x-x-x- 

plot-twist: Fierdan has no dick, Fierdan has no balls. It's all a lie. He's just got.. nothing down there. 

Oh wait! He's an asshole. 

(omg lmao can you imagine--) 

-x-x-x- 

Fierdan,, he's just so iconic. I fell in love with him as soon as he strutted (yes, I did say that) onto this blog. 

My asexual ass was horny for him since 2015. 

Damn. Fierdan, what a guy. 

(I accidentally wrote "Fierdan, what a gay." at first.) 

Fier-damn, amiright folks? 

Folks: no.

Me: oh ok nvm then. 

-x-x-x- 

I Did Not intend to make this 3 am post be so sexual. 

I am sorry for all the curses I have bestowed upon you for having to read all this garbage I have thrown at you. 

psa: my finals are coming up real soon. any one of you folks are free to kill me.. for free. it would be an honor. 

or you could not. that's fine too. either action would kill me. so why does it matter? 

-x-x-x- 

me: posts what I currently look like 

me right after that: make these kinds of bad posts 

ugh. sigh. why. 

I should get some rest. I'm sleepy. 

Ok that's it, I'm done, bye.