2018 Reflections

Hello. ^-^ 

Before I go into the reasons I made this post, I'm going to say this. 

The skit story I've posted this week isn't over yet. I have at least one part left to write for it. 

I'm not going to continue it until January. 

I might make another post today, but I honestly doubt it. 

So.. I guess this it. Today is December 31st. The last day of 2018. 

(Oh and I know for some of you, it's already 2019. Happy New Year!) 

Now onto the main reason I made this post- reflecting back on 2018! 

2018 has definitely been a long year. I read several things online about this year feeling like three or more separate years. 

Anyway, I'm here to say that I highly relate to that. 2018 felt never-ending, I swear. 

I feel so disconnected from how I was at the start of the year. I did so many things. I had to go through changes. Like.. that's wild, guys. 

In January, I got my college acceptance letter to the college I'm currently a student at. 

The first half of the year (and of course the last few of 2017) I had thoughts of suicide (that suicide ideation though) and thoughts about feeling so disconnected from being born female that sometimes went to me hating being that. I had all these thoughts constantly. Nearly every day. 

Then at some point in June, they vanished. Not completely, but they stopped bothering me every day. 

I mean.. yeah, I still feel pretty hopeless about my future. But like, I don't think of dying as often anymore. Sometimes the thoughts do come back, but they don't stay around as long as they used to. 

I haven't made any vent posts in so long because I haven't felt any need to. I don't really have anything to.. well, to vent or rant about. I enjoy how I primarily create posts about my stories and characters. In a way, it's fun. It's a break from the stress going on in my life. It's pretty nice. 

I'm still a little disconnected from being female, but my hatred (?) for it is less intense..? I used to hate hearing people call me "she" and "her(s)", but now I don't. Being at college made me realize I might just hate hearing those words because of how members of my family would say them in this tone they sometimes use. It bothers me when they say those words to me, but it doesn't bother me when other people (like my friends at college) say them. 

I don't know for sure if I'm truly female or something else. And now I know that I'm fine with she/her, but I don't care that much about pronouns overall. 

So yeah, haha, I'm still a mess of a human being. (ayy)

So anyway, the first half of the year was basically me finishing high school. That all felt a year or two ago, now when I think about it. Graduation felt so long ago.. geez. 

The perceived second year of 2018 for me has to be the week I spent in France with my grandma at the end of June and start of July. That felt so long ago too. I was in high school this year, and I went to France too. Huh? That felt ages ago, haha. Actually, this summer felt like an entire year ago. 

(I have to type this quickly. I'm saying "ago" too much, huh.) 

And the perceived third year of 2018 started in September when I started my first college semester, and it ends today on December 31st. Starting college felt so long ago too, but at the same time it passed by very fast. Like.. excuse me, what? Did I really finish my fall semester? It's over with? What? Huh? 

Me: *gets all confused because of time* 

So. That's my 2018 summarized, I guess. Heh..

Regarding my art and writing, I feel like I improved a lot this year. Compared to how I drew last year and at the beginning of the year, I feel like my art has improved. 

I'm beginning to genuinely like how I draw male characters. I'm drawing my guys actually like boys and men. I'm happy that I'm finally able to draw Duke how I imagine his appearance being. Well, I'm closer to that point than at this time last year. 

Well, haha, I like drawing guys more. I don't think that's much of a surprise, considering how much I draw Duke and Fierdan. 

So yeah. The anatomy in my art has somewhat improved. Well, it's improved enough that I can see it. I know I still have to work on how I draw legs (and crotches so they don't look like freaking boxes *cough*). Oh and I have to put more effort in how I draw noses. But hey. I think I'm drawing faces and hair and the top part of my characters' bodies better. Mostly Duke's, but that's only because I draw him the most. The anatomy in my art of other characters has also improved. I like how I draw eyes and sometimes how I draw mouths now. I think I draw necks and shoulders more realistically now than earlier this year and any time before that. I know more about the differences in drawing male and female heads and how there are different shapes used when drawing their torsos. That's possibly why I think my male characters don't look as similar to my female characters now. So, uh, yay me. 

(I'm rushing this post. There is a higher chance I might make another post today because I'm going to split a topic I was going to include in this one and put it in another.)

I know I didn't actually write any story chapters in 2018. Despite that, I think I worked a lot on the development of my characters (*cough* Duke, Fierdan, Dawn *cough*) and the story/stories this year. It's just that instead of writing story chapters, I did that through skits and my rambling posts. I'm kinda proud of how much time I've dedicated to my story world. 

My writing skills are probably a lot better than how they were last summer (July 2017 when I wrote the last chapter that's posted). I had to write a lot in college, and I know I'll have to write a lot more. That's because of the classes I took/will take. Tons of papers.. how fun. :'} (uh.. that's because of my major. oh heck-)

Haha, my dream is to make my mess of a story world become an official thing. I have to change a ton of things for it to maybe, possibly, one day become books (story 1 (aka what I'm still writing), story 2 (aka what I have a lot of ideas on), etc.). Now, that my friends, is the dream. That would be amazing. Am I staying alive for the low chance that can happen? Hell yeah. 

Oh, it's 5:00. I was going to explain part of the skit story. But I don't have enough time to go into that. 

I wanted to talk about that Fierdan and J___ part. Especially that part. 

Viewers first seeing it: wait wtf is going on? wasn't fierdan screaming/crying while holding duke's dead body and a bloody knife? where is he now? wait.. what? omg.. *then i guess you all died?* 

Me: hahaha! my viewers must be so confused! muahahaha! ... i love their relationship, like excuse me that's like my otp. haha, where am i going with this? should i end it before they kiss or after? after? hmm alright then. ... *idk, insert lenny faces here* 

Fictional relationships I'm interested in? Uh.. theirs. It's just.. so good. I love them together so much. 

Story 1: uh.. they're strangers and don't know each other much at all until the end? the J___ character has been introduced in chapters already btw. (oh hmmst?!)

Story 2: they become friends at some point. mm oh yes, that wholesome platonic love. that's the best type of love there is, baby! they become very very close, and it's cute and sweet. god, i love them. towards the end, they're like "oof, i love you so much" and idk.. then they become lovers. 

Story 3: by the time of that, they're very much into their relationship. oh and they become more physical not only by cuddling. a lot more kisses in more places than anywhere duke kissed twinkle. ohandyeahbystory3,theyaresleepingtogetherandtheirrelationshipbecomesprettydarnsexual--

;) oh hmmst ~ 

Oops, I ran out of time. I gotta go right now. 

Happy new year! 2019! 

!!!!!!!

I Have No Home / Take Me Home (skit 3)

Hi, now I'm here with part 3. 

The last one's ending though. Ouch. 

I told you this skit story would be painful, and I hate how I first got this whole skit idea at 4 am one day.

Compared to the last skit story's part 3, I feel like this one so far hasn't been as emotional. Haha, don't worry. This trainwreck becomes a lot more emotional later. The majority of the painful and uncomfortable feelings are over with though. Parts 1 and 2 are supposed to be full of dark and heavy content. Even I am a little disturbed by them. 

(tbh sometimes I forget that people besides me read my posts. oops lol.)

Seeing fictional violence doesn't affect me as much as it once did. I might be a little numb to it. Haha whoops! :'D

No content warnings for this part. I think.

Except that I'm very much aro and part of this becomes.. romantic-and-such like. Yes. Because I can. (#Cutepups-logic)

<3 <3 

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[Date: December 17th. Time: 11:00 am. Location: School classroom. English class. Ardere's english class. There is an essay prompt written on a paper on his desk. He finishes reading it and then begins writing an essay.] 

Ardere: *finishes reading the prompt to himself* "... As winter break approaches, people spend time with their loved ones. People commonly go home. What does 'home' mean to you? Write a 4 to 5 paragraph essay defining the significance of 'home' in your life." *thinks for nearly a minute, then begins writing* 

[Date: December 17th. Time: 12:50 pm. Location: School classroom. English class. A different one. Dawn's english class. She also has to write an essay based on an essay prompt.] 

Dawn: *reading the end of the prompt to herself* "... The word, 'home', has a variety of connotations. What does 'home' mean to you? Try to imagine yourself a year from now. Will your connotations of 'home' differentiate from what they are now? A lot will change your senior year, and next year, the majority of you will be moving away from home with your parents to attend college. So what is 'home'? Explain in a concise essay. Remember to include a clear and well-written thesis." *thinks for a minute or two, sighs, then starts to write* 

[Date: December 18th. Time: 1:30 pm. Location: College classroom. Not a lecture hall. Similar to a school classroom except the desks are smaller. A writing composition course that college freshmen have to take their first semester. Final exam. There are two essay prompts.] 

Twinkle: *reading the end of the first prompt silently* "... Congratulations, you have almost survived your first college semester. How did this semester change you? In which ways did you have to adjust to college, and potentially, living on campus? Did your perception of 'home' change at all, and if so, how? Could college be considered an alternative 'home'? Write down your thoughts in a short essay." *taps pen on the edge of her desk, mutters under breath* Damn. Okay, okay... *stops tapping the pen, thinks for a minute, then starts writing* 

[. . . . .] 

[Date: ????. Time: The early-mid morning. General Location: Unknown. Specific Location: Bedroom with a shared bed. There's this guy. I'll call him J. There's also another person. J is in the bed. He sits up, still under the covers, when he sees a crack of light enter the room from the doorway. The door opens, and the other person stands in the doorway.]

J: *frowns, is concerned* Where were you, Daniel? 

Other Person: *frowns upon hearing the last word, walks into the room and closes the door, voice sounds cold* It's Fierdan. 

J: *still frowning* You weren't here all night. I had trouble sleeping because I got worried that something happened to you. 

Fierdan: *voice sounds less cold, grins or smirks* Oh, you were worried about me? How sweet. You had trouble sleeping? *eyes look at the ceiling's farthest corner* Huh. 

J: *is getting a little frustrated* Yeah, I was expecting to feel your body lying next to mine only to feel nothing but air on your side of the bed. Now tell me where you spent the night. 

Fierdan: *grins more than smirks, approaches the bed* Don't worry about it. All that matters is I'm back now. 

J: We've been sleeping together for weeks now. I have a right to question you on why your side of the bed was left empty the entire night. *sighs* I don't know about you, but I consider ourselves to be very close. After everything I did for you.. all the comfort I provided you with.. *sighs deeply* We're in a relationship, Dan. And when it's just me and you in a room, I'm not bringing myself to call you by your "tough guy" nickname. *pauses* I love you-- 

Fierdan: *is now standing at the side of the bed, a few inches away from J, has a softer look in his eyes as he leans down and forward to get closer* Okay. You don't have to call me "fier" Dan.. all the time. 

J: *sits up taller but is still in bed* At this point of our lives, I am the closest to you compared to anyone else. I saw you at your most vulnerable and fragile, and I helped you through it in ways that none of the others could. You don't spark any fear in me. After everything I know about you, I can't bring myself to be afraid of you. Underneath that tough exterior you have, I know you're soft. But you're also so brave. You are a survivor. *pauses* My love for you is stronger than any fear I could possibly have. I can't, and I won't, call you Fierdan. Ever. 

Fierdan: *voice sounds soft and sweet* I know you do. I love you, too. *leans the top half of his body over the bed, plans on giving J a kiss* 

J: *moves his head before he can be kissed where Fierdan planned*

Fierdan: *looks confused for a moment on why J shied away from a kiss, then has a mischievous look in his eyes as he lowers his head to quickly kiss the top center of J's bare chest, smiles at J who is frowning but then breaks into a small smile when he looks up to lock eyes with him* I'm sorry I left you alone without telling you why in advance. I appreciate everything you did and still do for and with me. I love the way you speak; I love how your body radiates beauty any hour of the day; I love how your compassion and tenderness affect me every hour of the day. I love how you always smell of peace; I love your body; I love your personality. I love everything about you. 

J: *only responds by lowering his back closer to the bed and not the pillows, raises his arms to wrap around Fierdan's upper to mid back, then raises his face to be very close to Fierdan's, whispers* Then don't leave me. 

Fierdan: *speaks much quieter as well* I won't. I'll never let you suffer by sleeping in a cold and empty bed ever again. 

J: *leans in to kiss Fierdan on the mouth, their lips touch* 

Fierdan: *deepens their kiss, goes fully on top of the bed* 

[Suddenly, everything flashes to an unnatural black. Instead of hearing J's voice, Fierdan hears an electronic voice. It almost sounds robotic, if robots could sound like they could smooth talk. This is another, earlier version of Fierdan from that whole thing just then. That whole thing with J (with more to his name than only that of course) is a story 3 (yes, 3) concept regarding a romantic and sexual relationship between two of my characters. A scene like this happens at least a year, possibly a year and a half after the start of story 2.] 

Cryptic Voice: Sorry, my bad. That was an error. 

[The light returns. Fierdan is younger and somewhere entirely different. The lighting is too bright and there's an awful feeling of it being artificial.]

Fierdan: *with closed eyes, tries to make sense of his surroundings, thinks* I'm lying down. It doesn't feel warm or soft. It feels like.. like plastic. It's cold. My eyes are closed. At least I think they are. Why are they closed? Why can't I open my eyes? I can still feel the light burning into them though. There is paper covering my body. It's so cold here, yet the light burns. There's pressure on my face. Something is covering my nose and mouth. At least it's making breathing easier. My chest hurts. The top of my head and forehead feel cold. Where is my hair? What happened to me? *blinks his eyes a few times before opening them* What is this? A room at a hospital? Why am I here? *darts his eyes back and forth wildly* 

Dawn: *gasps* He woke up! 

Twinkle: *sounds surprised* He what? 

Dawn: *comes into Fierdan's vision, points at him* Look! His eyes are open, and they are moving!  

Ryen: *goes up to Fierdan, looks relieved* You're alive. I knew you would make it. *smiles but not in the same way Fierdan does when he's deeply happy* 

Fierdan: *moves his arm and quickly removes the breathing mask with his hand, sighs but has a clear sign of apprehension in his voice* Of course I'm alive. Why wouldn't I be? The real question is.. *looks around again* Where are we? And why? 

Ryen: *looks at his brother in bewilderment* You were in a coma. An over 30 day long coma. 

Fierdan: *finally locks eyes with Ryen's* A.. A coma? 

Ryen: Yes...

Fierdan: *tries to sit up* Where is he? Duke? Where is he? 

Ryen: *looks even more bewildered* Danny? He's long gone. His separate body died a long time ago. Your soul is united and whole. 

Fierdan: Huh? What? No. Duke is.. Duke is... 

Twinkle: He's gone. 

Fierdan: *can't even speak at full volume, voice sounds somewhat haunted but also full of anguish* He's gone. That's right. He went far away. He came home. You're right. My Duke is here no more. 

[All of a sudden, the brightness takes over everything. The light is blinding.] 

Fierdan: *is now standing with clothes on alone in the vast bright yellow-white light* 

Mysterious Figure: *approaches Fierdan from way in the distance* 

Fierdan: *stares at the shadowy figure walking towards him* 

Mysterious Figure: *presses a sharp knife into Fierdan's hands* 

Fierdan: *flashbacks to the first moments he's felt terrified of what he did after killing Z, after killing Duke in story 1* 

Mysterious Figure: *pats one of Fierdan's wrists with a few of their fingertips* 

Fierdan: *the flashbacks are extremely fast and don't last long at all, now he flashbacks to holding the knife Duke used to stab himself with (from the last skit)* 

Mysterious Figure: *gently holds onto Fierdan's thin and bare wrist* 

Fierdan: *is still frightened from the flashbacks after they've all stopped* W-What... 

[The mysterious figure's touch starts to feel warm and more human-like. Then it bends down to look into Fierdan's face. The mysterious figure smiles down at him.] 

Mysterious Figure: Let's go home together. 

Fierdan: *is still shaken up* Home? 

Mysterious Figure: *has a welcoming voice* Yes. Let's go home. You and me, Fierdan. You and me. 

Fierdan: *smiles back* Okay, sounds like a plan. 

Mysterious Figure: Okay. 

[Then the figure's eyes change from being dark gray like the rest of its body to being that warm firey brown color. The eyes are amber. After that, the rest of the dark gray melts away. The lack of the dark gray causes the figure to lose several inches. When the dark gray is completely gone, Fierdan is a little taller than it. Now it takes the form of Duke.] 

Fierdan: *is breathless* Duke.. how... 

Duke: *looks at Fierdan with bright eyes* Yeah? 

Fierdan: You're.. You're here. I saw you die. Again.

Duke: *shrugs* It's no big deal. I died several times already. 

Fierdan: So you're like a ghost or something? 

Duke: *laughs* Haha, no not at all. *grabs Fierdan's same wrist as earlier* Come on, we don't have much time. Let's go home. 

Fierdan: Where even are we? How do we know where home is from here? 

Duke: *gives off the impression that he's about to answer Fierdan's questions, but he only says* Happy birthday, Fierdan. Happy birthday to the both of us. *pulls Fierdan's wrist forward and off they go running until they defeat the light* 

[Date: December 19th. Fierdan's birthday. Duke's birthday.]

I Have No Home / Take Me Home (skit 2)

Hi, I'm back with part 2 of this skit story. 

I'm writing this skit after midnight and in the middle of the night like the last part's. I was going to post it earlier, but I kept on getting distracted. 

Haha, I wonder if this particular skit story is going to ruin anyone's day because it's not full of wholesome pure content at all. 

Ahem, the first part though. I really did go there. Dang, some parts of my skits now are inappropriate. 

Oh and at this point, all of my skits with Duke and Fierdan will have explicit language in them. I'm too tired of censoring words, and I think it's stupid. 

(lol i'm lowkey expecting hate)

I've been imagining Duke and Fierdan dropping F-bombs all over the place, so I'm writing skits like that now. They're not.. clean. Sorry folks. 

(hate me today!) 

Have some other notes: 

• This skit story is the idea I had at 4 am on December 16th. Having the time of part 1 begin at 4 am was intentional. Finishing the skit at 4 am in my time zone was only a coincidence, haha. 

• This skit story is going to be over three parts long. It's also full of pain. I'm telling myself that I'm working on my creative writing skills, story plans, and character development by creating these kinds of skits. 

• I woke up yesterday with a big headache. It gave me ideas for this skit part. 

• No, I do not have firsthand experience from drinking over half of a bottle of wine in one sitting. Just.. yeah, I don't.

• For some reason, there's this big bottle of wine on my kitchen table. It looks so much bigger than any other bottle of wine I've seen. Hmm.. 

• Why did I choose to have Duke steal wine? Because I wanted him to have something other than beer, and because I didn't want him to have something with a higher amount of alcohol by volume. So, wine it is. It might connect to the wine in part 1 of the previous skit story. Maybe. 

Warning: unpleasant emotions. sadness. anger. pain. angst. and more painful feelings. ... alcohol mention. vomit mention. brief sex mention. abuse/assault mention. blood mention. ...

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[Date: December 16th. Time: 2:10 pm. Location: Upstairs bathroom. Duke woke up a few minutes ago. There's a high chance he's (still ? (idk how this works; I'm a fool)) hung over. Of course, he's also in a lot of physical pain. He tries to ignore most of the signs of a hangover.. to some extent. His head aches; his stomach aches. There's a throbbing in his skull. The dark circles under his eyes grew larger, and there is a light shade of red in the white parts of his eyes. In the bathroom, Duke drinks water from the tap by using one of those small plastic cups people use while brushing their teeth. He repeats the process nearly ten times. Then a few minutes after that, he manages to exit the bathroom and finally go downstairs. Once he reaches the bottom step, his stomach convulses and a small amount of light/clear-ish colored vomit spills out of his mouth. Then on top of that, he trips and falls, resulting in his shirt absorbing the vomit that reached the floor.] 

Duke: *sighs tiredly* Shit. *starts attempting to stand up but stops when he hears footsteps* 

Fierdan: *is coming closer* It's past two, and you're still in your pajamas. 

Duke: *mumbles something incomprehensible* 

Fierdan: *tries to sound like a concerned parent/guardian* Are you sick? Why are you on the floor like that?

Duke: *lifts his face off the floor just enough so that Fierdan can hear his words* I fell. Help me. 

Fierdan: *is right beside Duke* Okay, I'm going to grab your hand.

Duke: *interrupts* Wait, don't! *is suddenly at a loss of words as the front half of his body breaks contact with the floor* 

Fierdan: *hasn't noticed Duke's face yet* Now doesn't that feel better? 

Duke: *his eyes burn upon staring right into the ceiling lights, stands frozen in place though his limbs are wavering* 

Fierdan: *sees the remaining vomit on the floor* So you really are sick! You could've come to me sooner. 

Duke: I'm not sick-- *the headache feels worse* Ow! *moves his arms so his hands can be against the left and right sides of his head* 

Fierdan: I'm going to clean this up. You should sit down somewhere if you're not feeling well. *goes off to find paper towels* 

Duke: *sits down a little too quickly, now has one hand shielding his eyes from the light and the other holding his upset stomach* 

Fierdan:*returns, cleans up the vomit with paper towels, leaves again* 

Duke: Ahh.. god. 

Fierdan: *is back again, finally gives Duke a good look, sighs* Duke...

Duke: *speaks in a low voice* Fuck. 

Fierdan: What were you doing last night? 

Duke: I.. I couldn't sleep. 

Fierdan: So you drank yourself to sleep? 

Duke: *slurs his words without meaning to* What? No. 

Fierdan: Oh, really? *sighs disappointedly* Just how much alcohol did you drink? 

Duke: *gets to his feet, stands up* Fuck.. I don't know, man. 

Fierdan: *goes upstairs without saying another word* 

Duke: *slurring his words* Great. Go into my room. Fuckin' hell. 

Fierdan: *walks downstairs holding a bottle of wine in each hand* Well, it looks like you've drank nearly three-quarters of a bottle of wine. And you've got a whole other bottle there too. *sighs, reaches the floor* At least it's just wine. 

Duke: *staggers as he heads toward the kitchen* 

Fierdan: I'm not even going to ask how you drank that much all by yourself. 

Duke: Good to know since I drank it all at once. 

Fierdan: Geez. *pauses* Didn't you tell me a few weeks ago that you were upset at me for drinking wine, in a glass, at 10 or 11 in the morning? Pre-dawn is a lot earlier than that. 

Duke: Oh yeah. Guess that makes me a hypocrite. What else is new? 

[A few minutes later. They are in the kitchen. Duke grabbed a slice of bread and is trying to eat it. Fierdan pulls a chair up right next to the one Duke is sitting in.] 

Fierdan: Why did you do it? 

Duke: I was in the mood to drink enough that I know I would get drunk. *takes another small bite of bread* And look, I succeeded. 

Fierdan: But why..?

Duke: Because that's what I do when I want to forget certain things. Okay? 

Fierdan: Why did you drink that much? 

Duke: *stares down at the bread* It's only wine. I couldn't find anything better. 

Fierdan: I didn't mean it like that. 

Duke: *speaks even more bitterly* I don't know, maybe it's because I wish I could get alcohol poisoning, destroy my liver, and die. But of course that never fucking happens with me! *bites the bread angrily* 

[I don't know what else to add for this part. Skip forward to an hour later.] 

Duke: *speaks in a different tone now* I wasn't meant to live. I was always nothing more than a burden on people. Heck, now I'm a burden on you. 

Fierdan: You don't burden me, Duke. I like having you here with me. 

Duke: That's a lie, and you know it. You know how much of a burden I am. 

Fierdan: No, you aren't. 

Duke: Yes, I fucking am! I'll always be unwanted and hated. I ruin other people's lives by existing. I screwed up everything! 

Fierdan: What makes you think that you're unwanted and hated? 

Duke: *looks down at the table* I drank the wine because I had a dream that consisted of a conversation between my parents when I was a baby. I was probably a few months old, maybe just one. It was the truth, I just know it is. 

Fierdan: *is about to say something, but Duke continues* 

Duke: *voice suddenly cracks, sounds like he's breaking down* I wasn't supposed to be born at all. I'm.. I'm.. *swings his head up, has a vulnerable look in his eyes* .. the result of unprotected sex! They never planned on having a child. I wasn't supposed to happen. I'm a mistake. *hands tremble* My father wanted to get rid of me, hoping I'll die off in a street somewhere when I was a helpless baby. And who prevented him from doing that? My mother. She was caring for me back then unlike him. 

Fierdan: Calliah, huh? She...

Duke: I can't even bring myself to hate her! *pauses* I mean I do, but at the same time, I can't. God, why does she have to make me have mixed feelings about her? 

Fierdan: It's okay to have mixed feelings about people like that. 

Duke: No, it's not! Couldn't she just stick to a status quo? Either love your son because you want him to stay alive.. or be a normal abusive parent. How the fuck did she manage to be both? 

Fierdan: Deep, deep down, she always loved you. I'm not one to say this kind of stuff, but I knew Calliah too and know that's what she probably really felt. She hated me and Soulless, but she never hated you. She took her feelings out on you, which obviously is a terrible thing to do, but she didn't know how else to handle everything going on in her life. 

Duke: *is a little angry* She made the first ten years of my childhood be a living hell. Don't say things like she's worth defending. I lived in fear of her. *pauses* She couldn't even abuse me normally. Sure, she didn't do those typical things, but she still inflicted harm onto my body physically. 

Fierdan: I'm not condoning what she did to you. 

Duke: I was a child! I was.. *becomes frozen* 

Fierdan: Duke? 

Duke: *is suddenly crying* Why did I say those things at my first Help session? Why did I tell a stranger all that? God, I'm such a fuck up. 

Fierdan: Well, I think it's a good thing you let that all out. 

Duke: *frowns* You sound so incompetent. I hate you. 

Fierdan: Haha, sure you do. 

Duke: *leans forward in his seat, body is tense, shouts* I hate you! I hate her! I hate him! I hate you! I hate you! I fucking hate everything about those pieces of shit! 

Fierdan: Uh, are you talking about me? 

Duke: *slams fist down on table* I don't know! 

Fierdan: It's okay if you are. 

Duke: *calms down a little* No, I'm really only thinking about the people who assaulted me.. the people who tried to do inappropriate things to my body.. the people who did physical things to me with no consideration for my clear lack of consent. I hate those fuckers. 

Fierdan: As you have every right to. 

Duke: It took me so long to accept that how they treated me wasn't alright. What they did.. that wasn't okay. Sure, it could've been worse, but the scars from them are still there. What they did to me is absolutely nothing compared to what Dawn went through. But.. it still hurts. 

Fierdan: Please don't compare yourself to Dawn. 

Duke: It's okay, Fierdan. We were both sexually harassed and assaulted as minors on at least two separate occasions. Other people were thinking inappropriate things about our bodies. People wanted to see our naked bodies. People touched us.. down there.. our privates. Whatever. 

Fierdan: I meant it more as I don't want you to compare what happened to you to what happened to her. 

Duke: I'm not a dumbass. I know she went through a lot worse. I mean, at least in that regard. I'm not comparing anything else between us. *faces Fierdan again* Besides, all of us went through different traumatic experiences. We all have different experiences, therefore our perspectives can't all be the same. 

Fierdan: That is true. 

Duke: Of course it is. *stands up* Sorry for the sudden change in topic, but I was the one who screwed this whole thing up. It's about time I fix it. 

Fierdan: Do what? You should just relax. Recover from all that alcohol. 

Duke: My head and stomach are still killing me, yes, but that makes me more motivated to do this now. 

[Duke walks right up to a kitchen drawer. He faces it. He rubs a finger over and around the "hole" scar that covers the area where Fierdan stabbed and killed him.] 

Duke: I want to go back home. *opens the drawer* I'm sorry, Fierdan. 

Fierdan: *stands up, walks to Duke* What are you talking about? We are home. 

Duke: *is looking into the drawer, is still rubbing his finger over that part of his chest* I want to go home. I never had a true home while I grew up. The first time I felt like I understand the meaning of "home" was when I lived in the house with you and the rest of them. I miss them so much. 

Fierdan: *eyes widen* Wait, the only way to reverse--

Duke: *cuts Fierdan off* Is if I die. 

Fierdan: If you die, how will you see them again? 

Duke: That night you guys all saw me in lingerie? I died then. I died that night. 

Fierdan: You didn't die, Duke! 

Duke: It's hard for me to explain, but I really did die. I put ourselves in this mess. I have to die again in order to correct everything. 

Fierdan: *with a hint of fear in his voice* You're not gonna die! Stop it! 

Duke: I'm the person behind the static, behind the reason why they called you Danny, behind the reason we're the only ones living in here. You said yourself that this is all meaningless, and that we're "working" in order to maintain that false sense of feeling like we're useful. It was me this whole time! 

Fierdan: *stands next to Duke* That's it. What are you doing? 

Duke: *takes out the sharpest knife in the kitchen drawer, makes sure Fierdan can't see it* You'll thank me later. I'm sorry it has to end this way. I love you. Goodbye.

Fierdan: *is about to tackle Duke to stop him from doing whatever he plans on doing, speaks softly in that moment though* Please, stop it. Don't do it. 

[Before Fierdan touches Duke, the act Duke planned on doing all along has been completed. Fierdan only knows that Duke took out the longest and sharpest knife in the drawer after.. well, after he sees the knife. Fierdan turns Duke around to see that the knife stabbed through Duke's shirt and is firmly lodged in the same location that Fierdan stabbed Duke in. Over half of the long knife blade has been stabbed into his body, right where the "hole" scar is, right where his heart is. This is the only way that Duke can immediately die. The amount of blood increases. It stains his white shirt red. There's a terrified look in Fierdan's eyes as he has Duke in his arms, and his body goes limp and collapses. This time, however, Duke's body stays as it is. His limp body lies in Fierdan's arms. The front of his shirt is stained red, and some of the blood has gotten onto Fierdan's shirt and pants. Fierdan checks for signs of breathing or any heartbeat; he can't find any. Duke is dead.] 

Fierdan: *desperately checks over and over* Stop with your sick prank, you bastard! *notices Duke's unmoving body* Stop it.. please.. *screams* Duke! *tears well up and fall out of his eyes, some of which that mix with the blood that's drying up* Please no.. no.. please... *wraps one of his hand's fingers around the knife handle* Don't leave me alone. Please... *finally pulls out the blood-covered blade* Duke... *brushes his fingertips along the blade, stops at the tip and lets out a sound that's the very definition of heartache* 

[Five minutes pass- nothing changes. Ten minutes pass- nothing changes. Twenty minutes pass- nothing changes. An hour passes. Two hours pass. Three hours. Four hours. Nothing changed. Duke's plan didn't work. He died. There's nothing good about it. It's nothing short of an unexpected tragedy.]

---------------------

I Have No Home / Take Me Home (skit 1)

Drifting away from the holiday spirit... 

I'm here with a new Duke and Fierdan skit story. The impulsive tragic disasters are back! 

This skit story is very emotional and painful. It makes the last one seem like nothing in comparison. 

Contains strong language. Content warning for alcohol and mentions of sex.

----------------------------------

[Date: December 16th. Sunday. Time: Between 4:15 and 4:30 am. The beginning of the skit takes place in Duke's perspective because the dialogue is in a dream he's having. He refers to them by those words, despite everything that happened between them and him. It adds more pain. Poor Duke. </3] 

Father: *sighs* I don't understand why you are so determined to keep it. Don't tell me you've grown attached to the thing. 

Mother: *turns around sharply to face him* That "thing" is our son. 

Father: *rolls eyes* Son.. ugh, okay, fine. 

Mother: I'm not giving him up. 

Father: Why are you making this mess even more complicated? We should just drop him off somewhere, that's it, we never hear from him again. 

Mother: *speaks louder than intended* No! 

Father: We can drop him off on any of the city streets. He'll die soon after, and that's one burden less for the both of us. 

Mother: *stands directly in front of him* I said no. *holds up her hand as if she is ready to slap the side of his face* He is our son, *lowers hand* whether we want him to be or not. 

Father: I know you didn't want him just as much as I didn't want him. I would think you would be desperate to get rid of him, considering how...

Mother: *frowns* Considering what? 

Father: You had to.. hold him inside you--

Mother: *looks away, starts to walk away* Ugh, I don't have the energy to deal with this. You are a lazy, unhelpful slob. Taking care of a baby is exhausting. You should try it some time. 

Father: We weren't expecting to become parents. You shouldn't harm yourself, dear. 

Mother: *turns around, has an angry look in her eyes, face contorts with rage* Do not fucking start that shit with me! You are the last person who has the right to tell me I shouldn't harm myself! 

Father: Relax. 

Mother: Relax? Did you seriously command me to relax? 

Father: You're stressed. I can tell. I just want you to be alright. 

Mother: Obviously, I'm stressed! I'm the only one in this house who has, who can, who will make sure our baby is cared for and is given the bare necessities for life. I'm now a goddamn mother, thanks to you. New mothers don't get an opportunity to just breathe and relax. 

Father: Okay look, I'll help you take care of him. What do you want me to do? You never told me you needed my assistance. 

Mother: What? Do I have to explicitly tell you that having you do something, anything, to help the baby is appreciated? 

Father: *looks down* I.. *looks up* I can dress him, change his--

Mother: *looks less full of rage* Yeah, you can change his diapers. Shit can handle the shit. I'm glad you know what you really are. 

Father: *sighs* I'm also willing to change his clothes. 

Mother: Haha no. You won't be doing that. 

Father: Do you need my help or not, woman? 

Mother: Of course I do. You, however, are prohibited from dressing and undressing him. Everything else.. well, go wild. 

Father: *suddenly blurts out* I didn't mean to make you become pregnant! I really didn't plan for things to turn out like this. It.. *shakes head* Our son was unplanned, and I know we both want nothing to do with him. 

Mother: It's way too late for apologies. You caused this mess. *breathes heavily* It's all your fault. *pauses* You really hurt me. 

Father: Stop pretending that you love him when we both know you hate him for burdening you. I know you hate that thing you are so determined to call a son. Let's just get rid of him. Other people would be more than happy to take care of him. They'll be better parents than us, any day of the week. 

Mother: We are his parents! Why do you refuse to accept that? If you're so strongly against having a child, then you should have thought of that before you decided to fuck me. 

Father: *yells* I know you hate him, Calliah! 

Mother: You're right. I probably hate him. But do you know who I hate even more? I hate you. I fucking hate you. You're one of the reasons why Duke was born. Duke himself never did anything wrong by existing. You, on the other hand, aren't innocent. I'll always hate you and him more than Duke. 

Father: *is skeptical* Wait, did I hear you right? 

Mother: Hear what?

Father: Who is that other "him" you mentioned? What is his name? 

Mother: *looks away* Uh... 

Father: Don't tell me I'm not the father. *has a dangerous look in his eyes* You better not have been yelling shit only to avoid telling me "our son" is yours and another man's. 

Mother: *heart beats faster* Duke is your child, I swear! 

Father: *grins showing his teeth* If another guy fucked you, I'll find and fucking kill him. 

Mother: *says under her breath* Well, he's already a dead man. *thinks* Fierdan couldn't have done that to my unborn baby. He can't possibly have the ability to. Fierdan died. He's dead, he's dead, he's fucking dead! 

[. . . .]

[Time: 4:45 am. Location: Duke's bedroom. He wakes up effortlessly. His heart is racing in his chest. There's water in his lungs, and the water is too deep for his shallow lungs. He has bedhead but making his hair look less like a wreck is the last thing on his mind. Instead, Duke sits up sharply in bed and then gets off it. He walks, with a slight stumble, across the floor. When he's standing between the bed and the door, he bends over and gags. He stays like that for a few minutes. He's trying to force himself to throw up, but nothing comes out. Then he gives up, wipes the sleep from his eyes, and opens his door.] 

Duke: *speaks blearily* Fuck. Fuck! *as if by command, his stomach rumbles* My stomach really is empty. There's nothing in me. *starts going downstairs, holding the railing a little too tightly* I'm really in the mood to get drunk. Flat out wasted. *lets out a satisfied sigh* I'll make myself be the very definition of a "drunkie" for you, Brock. *there's a deep sadness in his eyes* Heh.. that sounds nice. 

[Duke goes to the kitchen in search for alcohol.]

Duke: *is frustrated that alcohol isn't the first thing he sees when he opens the fridge, the food closet, and the cupboards* Damn it! Where is it? Where the hell is it? *throws things in the kitchen left and right in desperation to find anything with alcohol in it* 

[Annoyed by the lack of alcohol, he leaves the kitchen. Then he considers searching through the dining room. He goes into that room.] 

Duke: Where does he store it? *throws papers behind him until papers are scattered around his feet* Fierdan must have moved the bottles. He doesn't want me to find them, but I will. Oh, I will! 

[Time: 5:00 am. Duke reaches deep inside a cabinet or whatever it's called in the dining room. He takes out a medium-sized cardboard box and sets it on the floor next to him. He quickly opens the box and smiles widely.] 

Duke: *looks smug* You can't outsmart me. If I'm desperate and dedicated to find something, then I will find it. Try harder next time, Fierdan. *pauses and laughs* Thanks for including the bottle opener. *grabs two bottles of wine and the bottle opener* 

[After hesitating for almost a minute, Duke organizes the papers into stacks. He easily removes the corks that first cover the bottle openings tightly and securely from the two wine bottles, puts the bottle opener back in the box in the place where he found it, and closes the box. Then he pushes the box to the back of the cabinet. He puts the papers back to where they were before. When Duke thinks the dining room looks like it was before, he cleans up the mess he made in the kitchen as fast as he can. When he's done with that and back in his room with the bottles, the time is nearly 5:20.] 

Duke: *sets the bottles on the floor, stands still for a minute to catch his breath* I'm nothing more than the result of an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy, huh. I'm nothing more than a burden. I'm a thing. Well, fuck you two then. *takes the cork off one of the bottles, holds the bottle as he sits on his bed, lifts it up* Here's to having shitty parents, I guess. Fuck it all. *starts drinking* 

[He drinks the wine like it's just another bottle of soda. He drinks it like it's nothing. When he's a third of the way done with the bottle, he stops and gazes up at the ceiling.] 

Duke: *not sounding sober* I was born into a place that lacked safety and love. I have no home. I never had a place of comfort to return to. *looks back at the bottle then through it* Take me home. 

[Duke continues drinking. He only pauses for a few seconds to breathe easier or to catch his breath. He only lets go of the bottle from his hands or from between his thighs once he looks out his window and can vaguely see the sun beginning to rise. Once the sun has risen, Duke is passed out. The bottle, with its cork back in, lies next to his pillow as if it's the equivalent of a bedside companion. But then he moves his arm in his sleep, causing the bottle to roll away and crash onto the floor. Thankfully, it doesn't shatter. The bottle simply lies on the floor next to the bed, showing that Duke drank over half of its contents.] 

-----------------------------

Yikes. Duke, sweetie, that's not good. :'(

To be continued. 

(omg when did it become 4 am in my time zone?! aaaahhhhhh!!!)

dev art (mm yes) + more

Ok so here's the thing. On Christmas Eve, we (my family and I) usually celebrate by going to our (my siblings and my) aunt's house. But this year, we went to our cousin's (cousins') house instead. And we were there for such a short amount of time. Two hours.. two and a half hours. That's it. Compared to other years, that's so short. Oh and my siblings and I only got two "gifts" this time. Gift cards. Ugh, being an adult sucks. Oh yeah and on the drive home, my sister had to educate our dad about bringing out milk and cookies for Santa Claus. 

Yeah uh.. anyway. 

Merry Christmas! 

....... lol my family's Jewish. So onto non-holiday things! It's 4 am! Oh boy! 

This is the gift art I was referring to in my last post.

I like it! Yes. Good. 

I also finally (after a million years) made folders. In my favorites. At long last, I'm organizing the tons of artworks by other people that have inspired me and spark inspiration within me. I'm just generally unmotivated and lazy when it comes to me actually doing any art and writing. 

I haven't been looking at my blog as much these past few days. I'm just out here, making posts and leaving. 

I don't like having comments wait a long time in moderation. I don't think the people who comment like that either. So I check my comment moderation inbox thing once or twice a day, and I publish the comments in there. I don't read them, I just click publish. And voila, your comments are published. But did I read them? The answer is no. I have to go to this here blog site, click on my posts, and scroll down to the bottom of them to read your comments. 

Alright? Alright! :) 

This is completely random, but I forgot to say this in the last post. Ok so if you know me well, you would know that I have several different names/variations of a name for Duke and Fierdan. One of the "names" I have for both of them is being the "puppet of melancholy". Well, a few nights ago I had a dream that "puppet of melancholy" is a cliché/common trope in stories. As in.. "puppet of melancholy" is not original at all. So then dream-me freaked out and became sad. And I woke up like "wtf.. am I stealing this "puppet of melancholy" thing? do other people have their characters be puppets of melancholy, and I didn't know about this? ahh, the paranoia is rising! help." 

(hohoho)

random thoughts about my characters @ 2 am

The title basically summarizes this post. Haha yeah, enjoy! 

I'm done posting about that cursed and boring computer game. It's done. It's over now. 

But I have to say. The videos that started the yellow penguin ducks raid were hilarious. Sorry but they had good points. 

Well anyway, the main thing I blog about these days is content related to my story I swear I'm working on. Not the cursed and boring computer game. 

When I was making the post with pictures of the yellow penguin ducks, I thought of my old posts from 2015. 

My posts from then were so wild. How did I make over 400 posts that year? I have no idea. 

http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2015/07/comic-and-idk.html

I just reread this comic I made, and I still find it funny. Though I think it's "one hundred" and not "a hundred".. no big deal. Oh and my other account got deleted or something. I don't know where it went. (rip) 

On another note, I was walking around a mall by myself the other day to buy gifts for my family. I bought things, yes, with my own good money. 

Then after that, I saw Aquaman with my brother. 

So I saw two superhero movies in a row. Cool, very cool. :)

Now onto random thoughts about my characters!

-x-x-x- 

I have specific voices in my head for how I imagine my characters speaking and singing. I think about Duke's a lot, but I don't know how to properly describe it and who to use as references. 

It's the easiest for me to describe Twinkle's voice. She just has a distinctive voice in my head. 

I imagine Twinkle sounding somewhat like a combination of Ellie Goulding (from Halcyon Days) and Ruelle. 

Yeah. Sure. Ok. 

-x-x-x- 

Not too long ago, I think I said that Ryen and Fierdan .. and Dawn's mother had black/very dark hair. 

Well, I'm here to say that I lied. It doesn't make sense for her to have very dark hair. 

Yeah uh sure ok whatever.

-x-x-x- 

A few hours ago, I was drawing gift art for deviantart. I'm honestly proud with what I drew. 

I really think my art is improving. I can see the improvement myself now. I feel like I accomplished something. :')

In early November, I was so proud of the Duke drawing I'm currently using as my profile pic. Now I want to draw Duke even better than that. 

Ok so. I have an idea for what Duke's black jacket looks like. But every time I drew it so far, it looks bad and nothing like a functioning jacket. 

Yet when I draw other characters (not my own) wearing jackets, I pay lots of attention to the details of the jacket. 

Anyway, my point is I want to draw Duke wearing his jacket with it actually looking like a jacket. I want to have a drawing of the black jacket that's good in quality. Drawing jackets is a little fun. I'm annoyed at myself for never drawing the collar part of the jacket before. I know that's a part of the jacket, but so far I only draw it on other characters' jackets. 

... I typed "jacket" way too much. I'm gonna stop now. 

-x-x-x-

I think the anatomy in my most recent drawings is a lot better than in my drawings from a few months ago. And yes, including the one I have as my profile pic. 

My art looks less shitty! Woohoo!! 

-x-x-x-

Ok, this is another one about Duke and my art. Well.. kind of. 

I have an idea for how Duke would look like if I drew him in a realistic style. I surprised myself with how vivid my idea for that is. 

I never drew these features in any of my drawings of Duke, so I'll list them now. 

• The red mark to the right side of Duke's nose. Yeah, I keep on unintentionally drawing and coloring it too big. I guess I do that to make it easier for you guys to see the difference between Duke's appearance and Fierdan's. The red mark is actually supposed to be the size of two or three freckles. And that might be too big. It's not as noticeable as it is in my drawings. Other people only really know it's there if they look at Duke up close. It's hard to see it from a distance. 

• I also have a specific idea for what Duke's (and Fierdan's) nose looks like. That might sound weird, but I have thoughts about it. I never really worked on seriously drawing noses with details. But if I were to ever work on drawing noses, their nose looks a specific way. It's thin for the most part, but well.. it looks different than someone else's, like Twinkle's, nose. 

... It has to do with the fact that Ryen and Fierdan (and by turn, Duke as well) aren't only/completely ethnically/racially white (caucasian). Since when? Since I started making major story changes in 2017, if not earlier. They are partially caucasian though, just not 100%. The current racial stereotypes about races and ethnicities don't exist in the time the story takes place in. The countries we have today no longer exist under the same names in the time the story exists in. Though I have to admit, Duke does give off a pretty strong vibe that he's one of those (stereotypical) "white boys". Haha wrong- he's not even a "white boy" hahahaha. You've been fooled. Hahaha XD lol. 

... There aren't really any cultures and various nationalities in the story world. So uh, there's less of a "divide" between different races..? And on top of that, I think that Z feels more connected and proud of the white half of his ethnicity (one of his parents was white, the other was another race). So when Z has his son, Ryen, he creates this idea that his race (races?) are actually superior because it's more than just one. (it's hard for me to phrase this coherently lol)

... I have ideas for other characters that are POC (not white). Yeah.. 

-x-x-x- 

My new skit idea. Well, I'm just here to warn you. 

Content warning for alcohol in the first part. 

Duke in these recent skits.. ahh, my heart! </3 

-x-x-x- 

Oh and I think Duke, throughout his life, has low empathy. Not zero empathy. But low enough that it's not hard to notice the difference between someone with high or a "normal" amount of empathy. 

... Or I'm thinking of sympathy instead. That, or compassion. Maybe it's all three. 

And no. I'm not thinking of it like "being an asshole = low empathy" because that's wrong. I have other reasons for why I think Duke has low empathy. 

I'm too tired now to go into detail. If I remember to, I'll make a post about it. 

I don't think Fierdan ever had low empathy/sympathy/compassion like Duke has. So, well, that's a difference. (idk)

And yes. I know Duke is a highly emotional character who has lots of outbursts. He has a higher priority to his own feelings than those of others. For the most part, he doesn't care nearly as much about other people's feelings. Including others in pain. I think about Duke having a hard time genuinely (no lying, zero bullshit) connecting to the troubles other people are in and feeling their emotions. Why others are upset, in pain, sad, etc. 

And I don't just mean from the time the story begins. Definitely not the Night of the Black Flames. I mean.. Duke's been like that all his life. Since he was a little kid. Especially by the point when the pool scene and the attempt at cutting into his heart occurs. 

... idk maybe I'm just thinking more about how Duke was abused and traumatized from a young age, and of course that would affect his behavior and thoughts pattern and other psychological stuff. 

But hey, Duke is extremely good at pretending he's fine and "normal" and that there's nothing wrong (with him). It's creepy how good he can be at it. But when the whole thing with him realizing his connection to Fierdan and Soulless begins, he loses his "content, normal, everything's fine" facade and doesn't bother trying to bring it back into himself. 

Anyway, there's a reason why Duke cries easily and quite frequently. It has to do with his shitty past. Like, uh.. how he's canonically a victim of child abuse and is mentally ill. (idk, just saying..) 

I want to rewrite a ton to get my points across better and more effectively in the actual story. I know I'll have to do that. 

-x-x-x- 

*checks my clock and sees it displaying 3:30 AM* 

Oh. Oh ok then. 

(I saved this post as a draft a short while ago.)

Well, it's Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas (eve).

Good night. Good day. Goodbye. 

ok so aj something

Ok so. Hi again. 

Blog updates: I got rid of the poll because I don't want it up anymore. I added my dA to the contact me box that probably no one uses/finds useful. 

I'm tired. It's 1 am. 

At 10 something or 11, I went on AJ again. I didn't take any pictures this time around. 

I went off AJ at a quarter to 1. It's 1:00 right now as I'm typing this sentence. 

I've just been so curious about the yellow penguin ducks. So I went on AJ again. And I found a few videos about them. 

... I spent a while laughing about the whole thing. (like.. bruh.. i'm.. i can't.. LOL) 

Thank god not all of the yellow penguin ducks are misogynists and/or anti-BLM like a few I saw while I was on earlier. 

So I was like, "alright ok, I'll hear what they have to say" and then I ended up being on AJ for at least another hour. (lmao) 

Apparently, the penguin ducks (they call themselves ducks, idk) are that color because it's pee yellow or piss yellow or something like that. 

The "no pants" has something to do with nonmembers on club penguin having no pants..? Yeah, I don't get it either. 

About club penguin, I have a friend who played it a few months ago. yeah ikr that's wild lol. 

Oh and apparently, AJ's chat system is awful nowadays. Like.. it's gotten worse. A lot worse. I hate it. 

I tried saying "." and "yeet" and "quack" and it wouldn't let me say those things. None of them show up red in the chat bar. So I.. I just don't get it. 

Dang, why is restrictive chat so restrictive? That sucks, man. :( :/

Anyway, I basically heard the penguin ducks protesting ("raiding") about AJ membership and they want to shut down AJ if membership doesn't get abolished. 

I just thought it was so funny, I'm sorry. 

I wanted to have a civilized and educational discussion, but I can't say pretty much anything in the game nowadays. Which sucks lmao AJ what are you doing? 

Umm.. companies/businesses (eh whatever, same thing). They need money. They'll always want more money. Uh.. something something marketing something something economics. 

Kids can be evil pieces of trash. I know from experience lol. But like come on. Don't blame AJ for having a membership feature as being the reason why kids cyberbully others. Kids just gotta learn to respect others and be kind. 

Geez ok idk why I'm posting this. I don't care that much about AJ at all. But like. Here I am. Posting this. 

Capitalism and businesses as a whole are flawed. But like.. like.. T-posing on AJ? What is that gonna really accomplish? I mean you do you, fellas, you do your own thing. 

AJ has been going a lot more downhill lately. I gotta say that. It's been a lot more boring.

Literally boring. Like besides the penguin ducks, I haven't seen anyone say anything interesting on AJ in the past few times I've been on recently.

There are less parties being advertised in people's dens. There are less Adventures being asked for people to join. There is very little to zero roleplaying. There even is less trading. Well, from what I've seen on AJ lately. 

idk it makes me kinda sad tbh.. 

The next posts are gonna be totally different topics than this, that's for sure. 

Haha ok. Bye. 

welp that's aj ??

Ok so I went on AJ around an hour ago. 

Today's Jamaaliday Gift is......

Jamaaliday Racing Jacket 

Then.. uh.. well.. 

........... lol wtf 

Yellow penguins are being banned?

I crossed out their usernames in this picture but not the others? I don't know why either. Anyway, all these penguins are frozen in that position. 

Uh, what is going on? (bb gun)

what the heck hack

*hits enter to say it in game*

"Your message was blocked because it may not be appropriate." ... those drama masks behind the chat bubble though. 

what is this lmao aj wtf 

I've been logged into AJ for around an hour and I've got to say... 

What the heck. 

A few minutes ago, I felt like bothering the yellow penguin ducks by only saying questions in the bubble chat. 

Me: What? Why? What? Why? What? Why? What? Why?

Someone: blahblahblahblah something something cutepups522

Me: *goes to another tab, goes back to my AJ one, sees "cutepups522" in the chat history, thinks* oh shit they said my name lmao 

This is so ridiculous omg. 

Now I see them chanting a bad song and complaining about having no pants. 

Before I saw a few saying misogynistic and racist phrases. Eww.

???????? 

I guess these are weird chats. 

I.. I don't understand. 

I also saw a few of them talk about capitalism, communism, Vietnam, and North Korea. 

Oh and shutting down AJ.

(ok sure jan)

welp, that's aj. 

huh. 

i'm so bored lol

I didn't come up with an idea for a post today, but I wanted to post something. Because it's 12/20. Sounds nice. 

(yeah whatever idk lol heck)

There were these small cats on my house deck thing. I was all like, "ahh aww cute!! :0" and one of them climbed all the steps and walked closer to the glass door thing. 

A cat friend has arrived!! 

Hell yeah. 

Anyway since I'm bored and lowkey sad, I hit up AJ. 

... ... ... 

Today's Jamaaliday Gift is another Masterpiece Token? Are you for real, AJ? Seriously? I come online for this? This?! AJ!! 

I wanted to observe any weird chats happening in Sarepia Forest, but no one is there. No one is roleplaying. Even in Aldan. 

... lol fuck.

Everything is boring. Everyone is boring. I get it. Life sucks and we're all unhappy. Life fucking sucks! I get it, I get it, I get it! 

See? This is so boring! I want to read some interesting chats, dang it! >:U 

Screw it, I'm just gonna watch something on Netflix. 

it's the 19th!

Hi, it's December 19th! 

Do you know what that means? 

It means I took my last final exam the day before, and I came home earlier today! I got to see my pets again! :D 

Oh yeah. My family too. 

I guess I survived my first college semester. It's over now. I'm done. 

Hello, winter break. It's a longer break than in previous years. :)

......................

It's also the birthdays of my tragic disaster fire boys. I made December 19th be Duke and Fierdan's birthdays. And would you look at that? That's today's date. 

Happy birthday, my fire boys. My impulsive tragic disasters. My puppets of melancholy. My pretty problematic (and gorgeous) characters whom I love so much. 

They've grown. Look at them go. My lovely boys. :') 

I'm not including a skit in this post. But I have an idea for one that takes place a few days ago. 

From today on in the skits, Duke would be 19 years old and Fierdan would be 21 years old. 

(tbh, i've been thinking of changing dawn and fierdan's ages in the skits. but hey, i'm lazy and that's complicated.) 

.... gotta go. see ya.

Songs and My Characters :)

Viewers: Oh. It's you again. 

Me: Hi. 

I'm in the mood to post YouTube videos of songs and relate them to my characters. 

But this time I want to pick songs (that I don't think I posted before) that I can vaguely imagine my characters singing. 

So I'm going to put in some videos and discuss which one of my characters I imagine singing them. For some it's more than one character. I'm putting in a little background situation thing too. 

I have many thoughts about my characters. I think about them way too much for my own good.

Will I ever stop? I don't know if that's possible.

Oh yeah. I have one more final to take tomorrow. Then I'm free!~

Viewers: What is this?

Me: Oh shoot, wrong post idea I had since *checks calendar* five months ago. This is a bird. Bird boi. French bird boi. Yes.

(I keep on forgetting to post my beautiful pictures from my trip to France. Sorry for the extremely long wait!) 

Anyway, onto the songs! 

---------------------------------

Infinity x Infinity~ Dead by April

I imagine Duke and Twinkle singing this together. Even though Dawn, Fierdan, and Ryen can relate to some of the lyrics, I can't really imagine them singing it. 

I can just see Duke and Twinkle feeling connected by the fact that their parents suck and were behaving terribly toward them for years.. and their deep hatred for Admiral (whose name I will change eventually). So I see them singing this song and thinking of those people in their lives who did them wrong. 

Read my recent posts to understand the reasons why for Duke. As for Twinkle, she was severely bullied in school (one of her bullies was Admiral) and her parents treated her unfairly compared to her sister (and were borderline emotionally abusive to her). 

Wow, these lines though (hmm..): "At night I'm thinking of sweet revenge / I feel the anger, anger / I'm redefining the meaning of evil / Inside I'm bleeding, bleeding from all the beatings, beatings / Let them pay, Let them pay for the things that they've done, Let them suffer- infinity times infinity"

Just.. yes. But only Duke can relate to the 'bleedings' and 'beatings' line. The other ones can relate to both of them. And now I'm thinking of Duke and Twinkle emotionally singing the "Let them pay" parts together, and I love it. 

-x-x-x- 

Nothing Worth Saving~ Dangerkids

For my characters singing this, I imagine it being Duke and Fierdan (feat. Twinkle). I imagine Duke and Fierdan singing the majority of the song, and Twinkle singing a part of it (close to the end?).

I'm thinking about the flaws they see in themselves, their 'scars' (physical or not), what they think about themselves (the negative aspects), how they're 'broken', and how they do have that line of thinking that they're "not worth saving" which is basically the song. 

-x-x-x- 

World Away~ Tonight Alive 

I imagine Twinkle singing this. Just her, by herself.

I'm thinking about Twinkle's recovery where she learns she doesn't have to be ashamed for her emotions and she gains some actual self-esteem without needing other people in order to (*cough* Duke.. or even Dawn). 

This line <3: "I know I will survive this, I'll be the strongest person I know" that's beautiful and powerful and I love it. 

-x-x-x- 

Empty~ PVRIS 

I imagine Twinkle singing this. Only her again. 

But this time, it's a whole different mood. It's full of despair and it's sung like a list of confessions. 

It makes my heart ache. </3 

Because like.. Twinkle doesn't enjoy life and being alive. She feels empty (especially starting in the 60s arc and into the 70s arc that's out so far). She used to think that Duke saved her (that they saved each other), but later on they realize they're still as, possibly more, broken as they were from the start. They said they loved each other, but was it real love? Then she gets frustrated that she didn't really change much at all, and she believes that people like Duke and her parents are trying to force her to change who she is. 

-x-x-x- 

Caught In The Storm~ Our Last Night 

As for my characters singing, I imagine it being Duke (feat. Finny). Duke singing most of it; Finny singing only a part of the song. 

They're singing about how they were friends and how they miss each other. They're nostalgic, really. 

Duke thinks Finny never changed, that he's still a good friend. And yeah, he does have a special place in his heart for Finny (like he did help push Duke out of his suffering.. well, kind of). 

It's sweet. 

-x-x-x- 

Tongue Tied~ Our Last Night 

I imagine Finny singing this. Though he thinks about Duke when he sings this, Duke doesn't sing it with him. 

I'm thinking of Finny when he's 'working' under Taurel. One word out of line, and he gets punished. When Finny spoke up against Taurel and Risak's plans, basically saying "it's wrong, you've gone too far" and they've basically manipulated him into thinking Duke isn't his friend.. oh and then Risak either hits Finny or throws him against a wall (maybe both? I forgot). 

Finny also is speaking for Duke in some of the lyrics. Finny has to watch what he says, or they'll go against him like they've gone against Duke. They're trying to make Finny feel guilt, and the same goes for Duke but obviously with more threats and violence.

-x-x-x- 

Hard Feelings~ Palisades 

I imagine Duke and Fierdan singing this together. 

They have feelings, that's for sure. Some of which that are very bitter about each other.

Ooh, there's some tension! 

But it's also the feelings about things they have the same views on. 

Yeah sure. 

-x-x-x- 

Feel free to tell me your thoughts or whatever you want.

(Spambots, that doesn't mean you.)

Just.. feel free. 

felt like drawing it

Friday really did kill me. I died.

Then Saturday evening rolled around. I went to the movie theater with two friends. We saw that Into the Spider Verse movie. Dang, that's some great animation right there.

So now I'm not as dead. Ha, ha.. 

Tomorrow's Monday. Eww. 

Then comes 4 am today. I'm in bed and my cursed brain comes up with a skit idea. 

And I was like, "No." 

If you think the last Duke skit was sad and disturbing, then this 4 am skit idea is way worse. 

I am not going down that road. Stop it, 4 am thoughts. 

That's too much for me. That idea is too painful. No. Just no. 

Then after that, I had the urge to draw.. to draw it. 

(No, not that.) 

wip is wip. rough sketch is rough sketch. quick doodle is quick doodle. 

How does one draw cute/sad/happy-looking little kids? How does one draw women? 

Well, I for one don't know. 

(It's 4 or 5 year old Duke and Calliah.)

Oh, them.. :'( 

[EDIT: Huh. I don't like how I draw Fierdan looking more like a woman than Calliah who actually is a woman. She's supposed to look somewhat feminine. *smh*] 

Ugh. Why do I lowkey want to write that sudden skit idea I got at 4 in the morning? It's so painful. I have to stop thinking of making Duke go through so much pain. It hurts me.

Me? Posting again? I must be stopped. I need to be stopped. Stop me now. 

Don't worry. I'm not going to post the skit idea. Well, for now anyways. 

I'm going back to studying bio. I honestly haven't studied that much. That's probably a bad idea. I have terrible time management skills. How is it already 7:20? 

Haha yeah, I should study more. 

Ok. Bye.

stupid texting skit

Forgot to post this other skit I wrote a few days ago. Here, have more trash from yours truly (aka me). 

I'm calling it, "stupid texting skit" lmao. 

While the Duke and Fierdan disaster was happening... 

[The dialogue is through text, not speech.] 

------------------------

[The time is 10 at night. Brock grabs his phone and creates a text group chat with Finny, Sparkle, Twinkle, and Dawn. Every line of dialogue here is a text message.]

Brock: Hi

Brock: Finals SUCK 

Finny: You made a group chat just to say that? 

Brock: Gosh, I am sorry. I miss you guys. 

Finny: You're right

Brock: Huh? 

Finny: It's late, I've been studying all day. I could use a break. 

Brock: Oh ok. Cool 

Sparkle: You think you're stressed? I have to work on my final project.

Finny: What's your project on?

Sparkle: It's a fashion project. I go to fashion school. Did I ever tell you that?

Twinkle: Let me think. No. 

Brock: So, Sparkle, you aren't taking any actual classes

Sparkle: I am taking classes! I bet fashion school is a lot harder than whatever classes you're taking! 

Brock: Do you even have exams? 

Sparkle: Yes! I had to take exams throughout the semester, but my final is this huge project!

Dawn: Good luck with it! 

Sparkle: Thank you, Dawn! :D 

Finny: It's only the first semester, and I had to do so many presentations for my business class. I have to dress up for them too which is ridiculous since it's a 9 am class. 

Twinkle: Ah geez, that's awful. 

Finny: ikr 

Sparkle: My goal for my clothes line is to make it lesbian friendly 

Dawn: What 

Dawn: What does that even mean?

Brock: Omg Sparkle you can't just say that

Sparkle: What? 

Twinkle: Pretend I'm giving you the Look. Except I actually am. 

Dawn: The Look?

Twinkle: yes 

Sparkle: No need to be rude

Twinkle: I'm not being rude. There's just no reason to say "lesbian friendly" like wtf do you even mean by that? 

Dawn: Yeah, adding on from what Twinkle said,

Dawn: Are you trying to say you're designing and creating flannels? Rainbow apparel? Gender neutral clothes? Femme? Also what about butch? Or do you, or should you, refer to the entire LGBTQIA community? Or at least those wanting to present and dress feminine? 

Sparkle: I'm trying to be inclusive :/

Dawn: Ok then make sure you are 

Twinkle: Girls, you gotta chill. Fashion is fashion. Does it even matter? I'll just wear whatever the fuck I want. 

Finny: Umm....

Brock: I'm laughing over here 

Finny: ...... k 

[Some time later.]

Brock: Does anyone else think it's weird that we haven't heard anything from Duke or Fierdan in like a month? 

Sparkle: Yeah, we can finally live in peace! 

Twinkle: idk what's going on 

Dawn: It's suspicious 

Sparkle: That's because they were both acting strange in that group chat we were all in. 

Finny: Hmm...

Finny: I tried texting Duke's phone several times, but the texts wouldn't send. 

Brock: Yes! My phone says there's something wrong with the "connection" lol wtf 

Finny: I get that message too!

Twinkle: Ok I'll admit it. So did I. The same thing happened with me. 

Finny: What about Sparkle and Dawn? 

Sparkle: They should've sent me some dumb thing by now

Finny: Fierdan sends you dumb things?

Sparkle: Lol no, I was thinking about Duke

Brock: Fierdan sending Sparkle cryptid memes XD 

Twinkle: ok that is funny 

Finny: Dawn? 

Dawn: Oh right, same as what everyone else said. I'm getting worried about them tbh 

Brock: Same :( 

Finny: Wait a sec

Finny: Does anyone have Fierdan's number? 

Dawn: I do. Got that same "no connection" or "message failed to send" on my phone. 

Finny: Oh 

Twinkle: It's so weird. What is going on with them?

[A shorter time later this time.] 

Finny: wtf is wrong with me lmao 

Dawn: what is it?

Finny: I suddenly remembered that one time 

Finny: Sorry, I'm laughing so much 

Twinkle: Are you ok, Finn?

Finny: Yes I just 

Brock: lol what's so funny 

Finny: ok ok so like 

Sparkle: Just tell us already! 

Finny: Remember that time Duke took a bath at like 3 in the afternoon? and how he. How he made fire come out of the faucet? 

Sparkle: Ugh yeah >:/ he burned the bathroom door 

Brock: oh yeah lmao 

Sparkle: It's not funny! 

Finny: Anyway so like 

Finny: I was mad at Duke so I 

Twinkle: Omg just type what you wanted to say 

Finny: Sorry I type slowly 

Dawn: it's ok, Finny 

Finny: I told Duke "fuck you" a few times 

Finny: and he was like "I only have a towel on ;)" 

Finny: That conversation is hilarious to me now like wtf Duke 

Sparkle: Duke's mind is dirty and cursed, what else is new? 

Twinkle: Nothing is new 

Twinkle: Except that Brock is right. Finals suck!

Brock: Fuck yeah! Got that right! 

Twinkle: uh? yeah 

Finny: And that's not the end of it. I was clearly frustrated at Duke when I was saying "fuck you" to him. But how does he respond? Basically like "ok Ok Finny, my dude, my boy. my friend. You keep on saying 'fuck you' to me, and I'm naked right now. so I get your message. if you get what I mean" idfk then he winks ;) ? "fuck you? then do it" lmao wtf is with this guy 

Sparkle: Are you trying to kill me? 

Finny: No, I just think that time was hilarious. Stupid too.

Sparkle: This whole chat is stupid.

Twinkle: True, true. 

[... idk]

Brock: I agree with Dawn. I'm actually worried about Duke. 

Brock: Don't laugh 

Sparkle: lol 

Brock: ...

Sparkle: oops 

Brock: That time we met over fall break, and then during the group chat on our laptops

Brock: I just

Finny: No, I understand. 

Brock: Duke clearly isn't doing okay. Fall break- he pretended to be high 

Sparkle: Exactly! Who does that? :/

Finny: He only did that because he couldn't stand himself.. not being high? or drunk? tbh idk 

Brock: Isn't that disturbing? Sad? 

Dawn: That he feels more comfortable under the influence of drugs? Hell yeah 

Brock: And then how he enters the group chat late. 

Twinkle: Duke was making all of us uncomfortable. But you're right. I am concerned. 

Brock: He wasn't pretending to be high then. He really was. Right?

Dawn: Yes, Brock. 

Finny: Don't forget how Fierdan was behaving. He was acting strange too 

Twinkle: The Duke-Soulless-Fierdan thing still confuses me. 

Sparkle: for real 

Twinkle: yeah ?

Sparkle: I don't get it either lol

Twinkle: oh ok 

Brock: I don't even want to know what Duke was doing or where he was right before entering our group chat. Being high, wearing lingerie, the chance he was in an adults-only place... I don't want to know what shit he got into 

Twinkle: None of us do. 

Brock: I think by "dance" he didn't really mean that. 

Finny: He wanted to off himself.

Brock: oh right, that too.

Finny: then what are you talking about? 

Brock: I was thinking that he was referring to something.. something uh.. sexual when he said that. And what the hell was he wearing? 

Sparkle: Thanks a lot, Brock. Now stfu 

Finny: That whole thing was wild. 

Finny: But yeah, to me it feels like he's punishing himself now more than ever. People did terrible things to him. Uh..

Dawn: Yeah 

Finny: idk where I was going with this 

Dawn: that's ok 

[... huh]

Sparkle: Can we stop thinking about them? For once? 

Brock: Ok

Finny: Sure 

Sparkle: Ok. We're all stressed college kids, and life is shit for all of us right now. But hey, it's almost winter break. The holidays! New year's! Oh yeah! 

Twinkle: I can't wait for finals to be over. I'm sick of living this dorm life. 

Sparkle: ikr! 

Finny: can't wait, then I can finally relax. but for now, I'm stressed out of my mind D: 

Dawn: You guys know I'm not in college yet? 

Twinkle: Oh shit, that's right! 

Dawn: I sent out all my college apps at the beginning of the month

Sparkle: Good luck :) 

Dawn: haha thanks 

Brock: Is college even worth it though? It's just lectures and a dozen 3+ page essays due in 4 months 

Twinkle: I'm not the only one who had to write that many papers? Thank you, Brock! We're not alone! 

Finny: I don't think I had to write that many essays, but I definitely wrote a lot more these past three or four months than I had to write in high school in the same amount of time. 

Brock: Yeah, college is a lot of work! :( 

Dawn: D': 

Dawn: Good luck! I believe in you! 

Sparkle: Thanks again! 

Twinkle: Thanks :')

Finny: Thanks!

Brock: thank u 

[The End.]

Probably a more "normal" skit than the other ones. 

There you go. Yay. 

gtg bye