Skit + Story Analysis ii (tw)

Here's part 2! 

Read part 1 here:

http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2018/12/skit-story-analysis-late-2017-2018-i.html

Again, just putting it out there. 

[tw: self-harm, suicide, abuse, harassment/assault, alcohol/drugs.. uh, might be forgetting something. explicit language too.]

From this skit:

http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2018/12/explain-yourself-at-help-skit-3-tw.html

I love suffering, so I've been reading it over and over. 

Alright! Let's go into it! 

(I'm not making this post in order of the skit's events.)

--------------------------

I first want to talk about this part.

Duke: *is strangely calm* My father hated me more than my mother did. He was planning on trying to murder me for.. for quite a long time, actually. But my mother sent him to his death. I used to love my father. I don't anymore, don't worry. *smiles sadly* I thought I had at least one parent who loved me. I guess Fierdan is that parent for me. 

Help person: *is just oh so lost and confused, somebody save him* 

Duke: I thought my memories of my father fighting my mother were because he didn't want her to.. I don't know, abuse me? Well, I was wrong yet again! He didn't give a damn about me. He just let her abuse me. He was a fucking bystander. *pauses* I think he knew all along what I am. Because I sure as hell am not a human being. I'm a demon. I was created in hell. *faces Help person* I can show you my wings of fiery hell if you'd like, sir. 

Yeah, that part. 

Duke said he was created in hell and that he's a demon. That's because Fierdan created that Fierdan-Soulless fusion thing (aka the DUKE) in Cincernum. And Cincernum is black goop hell. 

Ok but seriously, this is a story spoiler. Not all of it because now I have written chapters mentioning what Duke is saying here. 

Duke's father wanted to kill Duke. He knew that Duke was connected to Fierdan and that he's a monster. And yeah, he wanted to kill Duke. 

Before Duke knew anything about this, Calliah killed him. And Calliah told Duke this in Chapter 50-something. 

But what's the spoiler? Well, I decided to make Duke have distorted, or false, memories from his childhood. Not everything Duke said about his childhood in old chapters (I mean the ones from 2014) is accurate to what happened to him. 

I love making him be a tragic disaster, so he's thinking his childhood wasn't as bad as it really was. 

And by that, I mean.. (oh wait, I said this before)...

Duke had false memories about him. He repressed memories connected to his father. Duke kind of idealized him, so he created and believed these positive aspects of his father.

I'm going to edit the writing a little bit; this is from Chapter 18. I hate my writing style in 2014. 

I asked my dad, "Daddy, can I ask Mommy something?" 

He stopped reading the paper, and turned his head towards me. "Sure thing, kiddo. Just let me move over, so you can get up." 

He moved over, so I could get off the couch and walk over towards my unusually silent mother. And I did. I then stood right in front of my mother, who was just sitting there. I glanced back at my father. He continued reading the paper. I looked forward again. She just stared at me blankly. Like I wasn't even there.

After a few awkward moments, I asked her my question. "Do you love me, Mommy?" 

She still stared right through me. I remember that I then glanced all around the room. "Hey, Mommy..." I began to ask my very important question again.

 After another long period of silence, my dad interrupted me. "Of course she does, Duke. We all love you, sweetie." My dad then closed the newspaper, and gave my mom an angry look. 

As a result, she gave him an even angrier look back. 

I shuffled my feet, embarrassed. She then gave me the same angry look she gave my father, moments before. 

"No. Now move. You're in my way, you worthless..." 

Alarmed, I moved out of the way before she could finish that sentence. Luckily, she didn't. However, she continued sitting there. Not even intending on going up, or anything. 

Wide-eyed, I ran up to my room and locked the door.

 But right before I slammed my door shut, I heard my mother shout, "Oh would you shut up? You know I never wanted him; never loved him. You expect me to lie! How much of a fool are you, Eternal (aka Duke's father)?"

And then I heard my father say much quieter and peacefully, "Then yes. You should've lied. As long as he thinks he's being loved. By both his parents. Oh God! Now he thinks that his mother doesn't love him..."

I closed the door. And that was when it hit me. My own mother never loved me. I then cried in my room for the rest of the day, into the night.

For so much of Duke's life, he viewed his father as a good person. So he thought this was what happened when it didn't exactly go like that. 

Oh, I should include the context. Duke is remembering a "horrific memory" (lol) when he was 4 (though I might make him be 5 instead). He believes that he wanted to ask his mother if she loves him, and that his father was being supportive and encouraging. He thinks Calliah (I'll just say her name now lol) was just sitting there doing nothing. His father basically says, "Of course she loves you, Duke. Your parents love you very much." His mother basically says, "No, now move. You're in my way, you worthless--." That's how Duke remembers it happening. And then Duke thinks the reason why he hears loud voices outside his room because his father is upset at Calliah for being honest and telling Duke to his face that she doesn't love him. His father starts speaking in a regular speaking voice; compared to his mother, he sounds a lot softer and peaceful. Then Duke cries in his room, which could be a reason why he didn't hear his parents' voices escalate as their arguing continued on. Or he erased the fighting from his memory. 

Sorry to say, but it didn't really happen like that. 

Duke's father never was close to Duke. He did try to get close to his father, yes, but (ok I'm just gonna say Eternal for now though I don't like that name) Eternal ignored Duke or shut him out. Eternal didn't really care about his son. He doesn't tell Duke that he loves him; that his parents love him. That never happens. Duke made that up. 

Both of his parents never told Duke as he grew up that they love him. They did, however, say to Duke that they hate him. 

Duke goes to his room and cries because Calliah told him he's worthless and unloved in one go. That does happen. 

But the reason behind his parents fight isn't the same reason Duke came up with. 

They argue about Duke and how annoying he is. And how they don't want him. Like ok.. Duke doesn't get taken care of. I mean he does, barely. Then his parents drink a lot of alcohol and get drunk, and their fighting becomes more intense. 

Duke's parents drink a lot of alcohol. They get drunk frequently. As Duke was growing up, I think they got drunk at least once a week. 

So anyway, why did Duke think so positively about Eternal? It's probably because Duke is around his father less than his mother. Calliah also kept him away from Eternal, so she could see Duke's flame mark on his chest. When she did that, she would physically hurt Duke. But some times she harmed him when Eternal could see. When that happened, he didn't interfere and let her continue to hurt Duke. 

So because his father doesn't physically abuse him, Duke thinks he is the better parent. And that his father loves him. Sure, Eternal never physically harmed Duke as a child, but he was passive and neglectful. 

Wow, this is so sad. :'( 

And when Duke realizes who Eternal was for how he really was.. it breaks him. He built up this false belief where his father cared about him and loved him.. only to have it all shatter because that's all a lie. 

It messes Duke up so badly. And the real memories he repressed start coming back when Duke is being held hostage by Taurel. So yeah.. yikes. 

Not sure how or why that happens to Duke. It just does. I don't know. 

It's fucked up how the parent who physically hurt Duke ended up being the one who acknowledged, and at times even truly cared, about him. The other parent didn't hurt Duke, sure, but he didn't care about Duke at all. 

It really goes down to: Calliah hated Duke's existence because of Fierdan, but she never wanted to actually kill him or have him dead. When Eternal found out about Duke's flame mark and his connection to Fierdan, which thankfully happened when Duke doesn't live with his parents anymore, he wanted Duke to die. And if that meant killing his son, he wouldn't hesitate. Calliah killed Eternal so Duke could live. 

Yeah, this family is so fucked up. They're all into murder. Big yikes. 

When Duke hears about that, he begins to have conflicting thoughts on whether he should completely hate and be scared of his mother.. or whether he should love her just a little bit and be less afraid of her. 

Honestly though. What would you do if you were in Duke's situation? I don't know what I would do. 

I might make Calliah ask Duke if he forgives her for everything once she explains everything to him. Duke says no and that he'll never forgive her, even though she saved his life. That scene is gonna be emotional, oh boy. 

Wow, this is long. Oh. 

-x-x-x- 

When I think of Chapter 27 and how those older kids treat Duke at the pool, I think about how messed up that whole thing was. They wanted Duke, who's a little kid, to take off his shirts. They were practically forcing Duke to. 

I want to edit how those events happen. I'm thinking of adding the older kids wanting to and attempting to pull down Duke's pants/shorts or swimming trunks after he tripped into the pool. But hey, it's just a joke. Chill out, Duke. And he only falls into the pool because he was trying to get away from a kid who was trying to take off his undershirt. If Duke wanted to swim, he intended on keeping his undershirt on, but they wouldn't let him swim with them unless he was bare-chested. And like.. Duke is a freaking 9 year old. 

And a few months before the events of story 1 begin, Admiral (gotta change that name too) kisses Duke's lips in school. He doesn't want her to. He never consented that he was fine with her touching him like that. 

Admiral thought it was a pity that Duke never kissed a girl before. She was lustful for him. She wanted to be Duke's girlfriend, even after all the times he told her no. 

Nowadays when I think about what Admiral wanted from Duke, it's.. different than how things went down with Twinkle. 

Admiral only really cared about Duke's appearance. She thinks about Duke's body, but she ignores what he says and his feelings. If she could see his scars and know how bad his mental state is, she wouldn't be obsessed with wanting to date Duke. 

Then at some point, Admiral doesn't care whether or not she and Duke are a romantic couple. She just wants his body. 

Yeah, it's going that road. (yeet!) 

They don't have to be boyfriend-girlfriend for them to get physical. Admiral feels lust for Duke. 

And here's another reason I'm changing their ages to be 16-17. Though that is still young. And oh yeah- underage. 

Admiral.. wtf girl? :/ 

She wanted to go to parties with Duke. Parties with lots of alcohol and sex. Those kind of parties. 

You're in high school, damn it. Admiral.. why. 

Ah great. Now I'm imagining them at a party, and Admiral is surprised that Duke doesn't hesitate to drink alcohol. And then Duke drinks a lot more than she thought he would. 

And uh.. ok so. Admiral wanted Duke to fuck her. She wanted sex. And lots of kissing all over their bodies. 

So, you know, big yikes indeed. 

And like.. if he's drunk, if she's drunk, if they're both intoxicated, that's not consensual sex. 

[EDIT- No. Crossing that out before my anxiety escalates.]

What was my point again? Oh yeah. 

When Admiral kissed Duke, he felt trapped. As in he couldn't move. 

Maybe she put a hand between his legs when she kissed him. And this all happens in under 30 seconds or something like that. 

Umm... 

Duke: ... Harass me; violate my body. Do whatever the fuck you want with my body because it's not mine. ... Because hey, it's fine to do things to my body without my goddamn consent! ... I used to have bad dreams that she.. *hands shake* that she had her hand on me lower than I remembered. That maybe she didn't only want to kiss my lips. Maybe I'm just making this up. I might be imagining that she also put-- or at least thought about it, but whatever-- one of her hands between my legs. So.. so she could touch-- 

Admiral wanted to, or did, touch (grab?) Duke's genitals through his pants. (whew.. wtf)

Yeah ahh. That's fucked up! Yeet! 

When I think of these two scenes (pool scene, kiss scene) I'm like, "Aren't those acts of sexual harassment and assault?" Uh.. even though there is no actual sex or touching of genitals. I don't know, I think it is..? 

I added in the line, "I guess I was sexually harassed and assaulted too. *pauses again* I mean.. fuck, I don't know." (Duke) because I don't know if it's accurate to say that those events count as sexual assault. Does it count? They didn't rape him. 

Anyway, if it is, then it's another thing Duke and Dawn have in common. :'c 

O_O okAY !!!

-x-x-x-

I searched "drunkie" in the blog searchbar, and I mentioned in skits about Duke having been drunk in his past since 2015. So it shouldn't be that much of a surprise that I'm making Duke have a history with alcohol consumption. And I'm making his parents be frequent drinkers, so it's easy for him to have access to alcohol. 

When he was 14, he realized he could steal some of his parents' alcohol without them really noticing. 

I think it would be easiest to steal beer. Because like.. those come in cans and smaller bottles. So he could steal a couple from six packs. 

Then a little later, Duke gets bored of beer. And maybe wine too. So then he would steal other kinds of alcohol like whiskey and vodka. Of course it's a lot harder to take them if you're planning on drinking them away from home and in city alleyways or rooftops. So he usually just drank a couple beers a night (he didn't do this every night though). 

Yeah, Duke's house was a toxic environment, but his parents didn't really bother to notice where Duke was at night. He could be getting himself drunk a few nights a week (2-3?) and they wouldn't call him out on it. 

Duke doesn't get addicted to alcohol. 

-x-x-x- 

Before Finny, Duke had a friend. I can't find the chapter, but I think I called him Daredevil. That's long, so I'll just call him DD. 

When I think of DD, I think of him being a few years older than Duke. He would be in his mid-late teens when Duke was 12-14. Anyway, DD wasn't a good influence on Duke. 

One day when Duke was walking in the slum parts of the city, DD finds him. They meet around alleyways, usually at night or dusk. 

I think I wrote that DD became paralyzed after doing a stupid stunt. Because he would do stunts, hence the 'Daredevil' nickname. I'm also thinking of adding him overdosing on a drug or mix of drugs (well.. duh) soon after that. And when Duke left his parents house behind, he left that city behind. He never planned on going back, so he doesn't. So now Duke has no idea what happened to DD, and frankly, he doesn't really care. 

DD might have helped convince Duke to steal his parents' alcohol and drink the hell out of it. Well, after Duke briefly and vaguely told him about his home situation. 

Healthy coping mechanisms? Haha, what's that? 

I don't think Duke always used alcohol as self-harm. But at some point, he does. But that goes into full-swing after he's away from DD. 

Like, uh.. When Duke was 15 and/or 16, he tried to kill himself by alcohol poisoning. When he was 16, he tried to slice his arms open, cut part of his neck, get very drunk, and fall off a tall building as an attempt to kill himself. 

Like you think after trying to kill himself once or twice, he would be like, "Nah, I don't want to try dying again." but he just does it again and again. He hates being alive that he willingly goes through so much pain. Geez, big ouch. 

And Duke kinda just accepted that he would have to kill himself and die when Fierdan told him to. Duke was like, "Oh ok cool, that's fine." 

Duke, boy, please. You're killing me. 

... it shouldn't be a surprise that he ends up dead. 

-x-x-x-

If Duke ever had other drugs, I'm really only thinking nicotine. As in cigarettes or e-cigarettes. 

And he would get them from DD. But he doesn't get 'attached (?)' to them. 

So he might have smoked in the past. I'm not as certain on that as I am with the alcohol. 

Once or twice, DD might have smoked weed with Duke. I don't know. 

Oh and maybe Duke also took old medicine and pills. That's a little more likely, but I don't know. 

Duke doesn't get addicted to drugs either, so I can't see him trying heroin, meth, or crack. I mean.. I guess? Uh ok. 

Duke, what a kid. What a hecking kid. Oh geez wow. 

-x-x-x- 

This doesn't have to do with the skits or even the story really, but I just want to say it now. 

I can see Fierdan in his late 20s needing glasses. 

His brother wears glasses, so there's a higher chance that he would also need to wear glasses at some point. 

-x-x-x- 

At the end of story 2, (if Fierdan is 19 in story 1) Fierdan would be 21. The time range for story 2 would be a little over a year. A few months over a year. 

I might be thinking of having 'Duke' return at the end of that story. So he would be 19. And 'Duke' isn't Duke. They're different. But somehow he finds Fierdan again? I talked about this in the previous post. Ah haha. 

-x-x-x- 

I like thinking about older Fierdan and older Duke concepts. 

Them in their 20s to their 40s. Never really thought about what they'd potentially look like older than that. 

-x-x-x-

I don't know how to properly end emotional skits, so I just end with the characters hugging. 

It's an attempt to ease my pain after writing pain in the skit. 

:•)

-x-x-x- 

Oh and hey, think about this concept:

Murderous Twinkle. 

(Omg does she want to kill?)

Heh, eh, eh. Possibly? 

>;)

-x-x-x- 

I fucking love the Duke and Fierdan dynamic in my skits. 

It's just.. so good? Mm, that's some good shit. 

-x-x-x- 

Ok so I think that's all I wanted to talk about regarding that skit. 

I have a final to take this evening. 

Time to die! :] 

Thanks for reading my long posts. Especially my recent ones. With this type of content. 

It's not pleasant, huh. 

I hope I won't die from stress. 

... it's probably bad that I've been only having one actual meal per day for around a week now. Sometimes, 1.5 meals. 

And sometimes I don't even eat snacks. I don't even feel that hungry. 

Haha, I'm a disaster. 

Between creating blog posts, I've been looking over my notes/essays/tests/reading texts (studying? uh-), sleeping (somehow 7-8 hours? wow uh-), going to the bathroom, texting family and friends (not every day though), drinking (water the most lol), logging into and spending time on dA and tumblr (both are boring lately tbh, dA not as much- wow huh), and then yeah eating something. That's my life now. Haha ok. (this sucks)

Me, forgets to eat for the majority of a day: Haha, #self-care! ... Duke and Fierdan though. ... Math is going to kill me for real this time. I was lying in high school; college math is going to actually be the one that kills me. ... Hey, I have so many ideas for Duke and Fierdan. ... I am panicking. But I'm also chilling. ... I should have spent every waking moment studying. I did not do that. Was this a mistake? I'll find out soon enough. 

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!