not posting as much

Hey guys. You might have noticed that I didn’t post much this August. 

Yeah.. uh.. oops. 

I’ve been focusing more on my own mental health and trying to get better than thinking about my characters. Sorry, but I don’t have any new skit or chapter or anything like that. 

I go back to college soon. Summer break has come to an end. It’s been very long and I didn’t do much. Oh darn. 

I guess that means I didn’t end up killing myself over the summer. I’m still alive, apparently. 

Well anyway, this is my last night at home. I’m gonna miss my pets. :( 

For the past few days, I’ve been waking up very early. Let’s see if it’ll happen again. I’m probably not gonna tell you guys, but whatever, let me talk to myself on my blog. 

You know what? I’ll just say it now. 

The only skit idea I had was to have it start with Fierdan or Duke gazing out of an open window in the middle of the night with them saying something depressing. Something about feeling empty if I remember correctly..? idk, it was to reflect how I’ve been feeling. 

Yeah, that’s not very exciting. 

When will my next post be? I don’t know. 

Bye. <3 

stuff and things

It looks like I haven’t made that many posts this month. Oops. 

Hi folks. How’s it going? 

Anyway.. you know what’s funny....

I’m taking the same medication as my sister (different dose right now though). Like, guys, isn’t that so funny? My garbage brain invalidating her not that long ago? And how we’re on the same meds now? Hilarious. 

And I know my previous post might sound dramatic, but I really had a case of brain fog a lot during my first few days of starting the medication. I looked up more side effects, and brain fog is another fairly common one. Phew. 

I’m coping much better now. I’ve been on it for almost a week. Yay, progress, wahoo. 

I’m starting to feel less “on edge” or irritable now. Well, it’s getting there. Ever since I started taking the medication, I don’t feel angry-for-no-actual-reason as much or at all. 

I’m still stressed and worried about going back to college (for several reasons), but now it feels like.. like, “hey, maybe I can handle this?”... more optimism, I guess?.. yeah. 

Uh ok, thanks for reading my update about taking an antidepressant. 

:) <3 :) <3 :) <3 

August 26th

Hi, I have several posts I have in mind, but I keep forgetting about them. That makes no sense. 

Uh, I mean, hello. 

My parents finally listened to the Hamilton the Musical soundtrack. Gosh, I still love it. 

I’m seeing that play with my family in the near distant future. 

Ooh ahh ,, exciting !!!! 

I was able to fall asleep these past two nights. That’s a good sign, I guess. I don’t feel as bad today either. Physically, I mean. 

My siblings both left to do whatever they’re doing with their lives. (she’s going back to school; he’s going back to work in the city he now lives in). ok. 

Ok so here’s the main reason I made this post: 

Today’s August 26th. At least where I am. 

And it might be Dawn’s birthday. 

(I changed my mind since the Zodiacs post I made about my characters’ birthdays.) 

I keep on forgetting the birthdays of my characters. I am a bad creator. :( 

Character birthdays list (eh.. sorta): 

• Duke/Fierdan- December 19th 

• Twinkle- April 23rd 

• Dawn- August 26th 

• Finny- January 22nd 

• Sparkle- early February 

• Ryen- late September 

• J___- early June 

That’s all I have for now. I thought I would figure out all their birthdays by now, but I haven’t. 

(I know some characters aren’t even included in that list. I can’t decide what their birthday months are.) 

I go back to school in a week. My classes start next week. :’( 

I don’t know how to put it in words, especially just through text, but. Deeply thinking is kinda harder for me to do now. And especially a few hours after I take my medication and in the mornings. Later on in the day, my mind feels less.. empty? foggy? idk how to describe it. 

I feel the most like myself today. I don’t feel too weird. 

Today, the nausea isn’t really there. My stomach still hurts, but it hurts not as much now. I’m not as drowsy either. I’m still tired though. 

(idk what i’m even trying to say) 

*forgets what I wanted to say* 

..... *remembers part of it a minute later* 

When I try and think back to my first two years of blogging, I don’t know how I was able to write posts like that. 

I know that can be about a thousand things, but this time I’m really referring to how I was able to read more easily. I could write long paragraphs (sometimes not even that many separate paragraphs) and read them over so easily like it wasn’t a problem. Well, haha, now that’s kind of a problem for me. Reading large amounts of text without spaces or paragraphs is a lot harder for me to do now. Reading is hard. This sucks, man. 

I really don’t know how I could manage writing posts with just a large chunk of text. Thinking of reading my old posts could might as well give me a headache now, haha. 

(I think that was what I wanted to say about that. It’s hard for me to think clearly and remember everything. Like I said, I don’t really know how to explain it.) 

........ I know I shouldn’t say this (cognitive distortions?), but.. uh.... 

I feel so stupid now than how I was in the past. Like yeah, I have more life experience since I’m older, but still. To me, it feels like 2017 through 2019 just merged into one year-like time thing. Ok, not ‘year’ I just don’t have the words for what I’m trying to say. 

What have I done? I don’t know, man, everything’s a blur. 

I’m pretty sure I have some of my memory erased. I can’t remember so many things. And lots of memories I just remember vaguely or the overall pictures of instead of in details. It kinda feels like I can’t recall.. living those memories. And that messes me up. I feel so twisted up inside, and it’s not just because of a pill I take. 

It’s weird to say, but it feels like the only true stability I have in my life is my characters. Not necessarily any story; just the characters themselves are a form of stability in my life. They’re always there. They didn’t leave my mind. They didn’t leave me physically. I haven’t gotten away from them (because of college or even because of my symptoms of mental illness gradually becoming more severe (though I’m not sure if they’re even actually labeled ‘severe’ on the scale things) or.. maybe something else as well). 

(Ugh, what was I saying?) 

It doesn’t physically feel like I suffered any brain damage. At the same time, it feels like my brain is damaged. That parts of my brain haven’t been working properly. *cough* my poor mental health. 

And so yeah, I feel stupid. Like a big dumb-dumb. :-( 

It’s just such a feeling. It’s not just me who thinks I have a depressive disorder. That me feeling depressed isn’t just a fleeting feeling. 

Same goes for anxiety. 

Who would’ve thought? My ways of.. being aren’t normal. Thinking what I do isn’t healthy. 

Some months are better than others, but now I know that even if not every day feels like hell, I’ve still been suffering all this time. 

Mental health professionals think I have anxiety and depression. So there. 

(Am I leaving other things out? Maybe? We don’t know enough. ?? uh, what? ...) 

I originally planned on making this post just about Dawn, but I changed my mind obviously. Haha, I change my mind at the last second. 

*mind blanks out, can’t read words on my screen* 

... ... ... ... ... ... 

*comes back* 

By “starting medication” I have the feeling you guys know what I’m referring to. So I’ll confirm it now. 

I started taking an antidepressant. 

There, I said it. 

I’m going to try and refrain from going into too many details. Because doing that feels weird. Uh.. 

*forgets anything else I might have wanted to include in this post* 

uhhhh hhhhhhhhh 

/////////////////

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

//////////

\\\\\\\

/////

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

mind: error message in static 

Yet again, this post was written in a ‘stream of consciousness’ type of way. I didn’t take a long break from the start of the post to this point in the post. 

Bye for now. <3 

~ Shan 

(idk if i want to keep signing off all my personal posts with my aj name. so i’m starting to use my real (shorter?) name. ok.) 

bye now. <3 

~ Shan 

it’s been a day

Yeah. It sure has been a day. 

~whew~ 

Update: I started my meds. (... yeet.)

(umm ok whatever, cutepups, idc.) 

....... shut up, hypothetical blog viewer. 

Went out to eat at restaurants last night and today. Probably doing that again tomorrow. 

Restaurants,, so many,,, wow,,,, 

Anyway, the answer is yes. I’m intentionally writing poorly. 

About that.. I haven’t written that many paragraphs in my posts for a while. It feels that way. I feel like I’m just writing sentences and pressing ‘Enter’ a lot. 

My brain is being all dumb-dumb. : ( 

//this bich can’t think// 

You know what? Hopefully, I won’t have a night of insomnia again when I go to bed. When I get into my bed. As of right now, I’m typing this up while lying down on my bedroom floor. 

Like. I Could Not sleep last night / early morning. I tried so hard to, but my brain was all like “haha nope”. 

The earliest I possibly went to sleep was at 5 something in the morning. And I woke up around two hours later. 

What a day. What a night. What a life. 

I’m tired but in a way that kinda feels different than normal. This tired feeling. Huh. 

...... I think I’m being over dramatic? Am I too dramatic? Why am I so sensitive? 

*mind static noises* 

uh ok well 

goodnight 

(zzz) 

Dreams and Days

Gonna talk about both. Wow, it’s early. Hi. 

I woke up from a dream that ended pretty scary not too long ago. I’m still shaken up by it. Well ok then. 

To briefly summarize it (or at least the ending)... 

I was at some place indoors that had long hallways and lots of twists and turns. Someone who vaguely looked like my grandma but at the same time didn’t look like her was my mentor figure or something like that. Then there was a case and something-something crime. There was this large group of people, including parents and kids. There was this event going on..? I don’t know what. And then we (me and my mentor) had a report that there was this tall old lady who threatened to shoot up or bomb the place. Something-something involved with wanting to harm kids. So I had to go on the lookout for this bad old lady and keep my eyes on her. Maybe I was at a job training group for something involving law and crime. I don’t what it could be. Then some time passed. It ended up being a misunderstanding. Somehow that old lady could still be a visitor at the place we were all at in the dream. The group was like a tourist group..? Something like that. Anyway, the old lady just wanted to shoot photos of the people there. Especially the kids for some reason. Not sure why. Her camera was on flash mode. It kept on flashing as she took countless pictures. And then that night when I was in a room with my fellow trainees (I guess I could call them that), our chief educator man told us to keep our eyes on kids more and not leave the scene after ‘suspicious activity’ has gone away or hasn’t happened. Then he talked about statistics about gun shootings and bombings that injured and killed many that happened because we (the people in the place, what I was training to be) assumed the best and thought it would be okay. And the dream ended with educator man showing us this virtual reality thing where the day ended with the old lady really ending up shooting people with guns and threatening to bomb the whole building. I don’t know what happened to my vaguely grandma-looking mentor. She left after I went to my meeting at night with the educator man and fellow trainees. 

What a dream, huh? What a dream. 

————————— 

I’ve been pretty busy the past two days. And my siblings are both home for the next few days. Ok so yeah. 

On the first day, my family (except my brother who didn’t come back yet) went to see these special movies. Foreign films. They were good. Especially the second one. Gosh, what a movie. 

And our grandma was with us that day. 

(Why did I just say “our”? idk.) 

And on the second day (yesterday), I had two doctor appointments for two different things entirely. 

To sum that all up, I’m... 

- getting oral surgery at some time in the near distant future 

(and) 

- starting medication 

(Hmm. I think I’m being too specific on what I say on this weird blog, but at the same time that I’m being vague. I’m not going into any more details than that. I didn’t start the meds yet. Yeah ok so that’s the Cutepups update. Yeet.) 

(The two things have nothing to do with each other.) 

ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

bye bye

snazzy outfits huh guys

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi

*runs up to this post even though it’s on a phone/tablet/computer screen and pastes this on the post*

I used this one: https://picrew.me/image_maker/32223

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Snazzy outfits huh guys

They’re so fashionable in their swag new outfits huh guys

hUH GUYs

OK

. . . . . . .

J___! I really like this look on him. I made him dye part of his hair blue-violet (or whatever that color is) instead of black to change things up a little. I think it fits him quite well. All those piercings though. Those sunglasses though. He has bubble gum. Wow dang he’s gorgeous. My not-as-problematic-as-Fierdan boy,,. 

Fierdan! (s2+ version if anyone cares about that). Those eyes, eyebrows, and.. mouth? What is this dude up to? He thinks he’s swag. Pfft. I made him have one (1) piercing. He’s not as cool as ja boi. Those sunglasses are nice, but J___’s are prettier. 

I’m not making any other characters with this avatar maker. I don’t want to. Because I said so.

........ anyway. I think it’s a little funny how J___ is taller and older than Fierdan.

That reminds me. I still have to make that birthdays post.

*finishes this post before midnight*

Things I’ve Dreamed About Recently

Things I’ve dreamed about recently. Yeah. 

Have a list. 

.... brain machine broke. :•( 

——————— 

• It was a Wednesday. From the day I dreamed it, that Wednesday would be a week from then. 

• In that dream, the outside temperature was 195 or 295 degrees Fahrenheit. I had to go outside, and I was terrified because that’s like.. extremely hot. I think I had to go outside to go to school (..? if I remember correctly). 

• 195 F = approx. 90.5556 C || 295 F = approx. 146.111 C (hot damn! *dies*)

(one more weird dream) 

• I was lying in my bed. I was creating stuffed animal seals. I remember shaping them into seals and designing faces on them. 

• The seals were white. Their faces looked like :3 (yes,,). 

• While in the middle of doing this, I sat up in my bed and loudly and passionately started singing “Memory” or “Memory (Reprise)” from Cats the Musical. I don’t know why I was singing it, but I was. 

• This part from the song though: “The memory is fading. Touch me! It’s so easy to leave me! All alone with the memory of my days as a star!”

• I wasn’t even listening to that song a lot. So, uh.. what. 

• It’s probably my favorite song from the musical though, I’ll admit that. 

(umm ok) 

....... ok like no offense or anything but having a dysfunctional brain sucks. this shit sucks, bro. 

I can’t even write decent sentences. Any attempt at writing is shit. 

How the hell am I supposed to be a writer if I can’t even write? 

I can’t even bother to read over my recent posts because I know the sentences are all bad and barely make sense. Heck, what does this even say? 

(might as well throw my dreams down the toilet) 

(that doesn’t even make sense. metaphor, who?) 

I ...

• can’t concentrate 

• can’t write 

• can’t put my thoughts onto paper (at least some of them, non-vague ones) 

• can’t stay focused for long 

• sometimes hear quiet sounds that other people around me don’t seem to notice or care about (and those sounds bother me so much omg,,) 

• rarely sit “normally” in chairs when I’m home (I’m almost always in a weird position) 

[ • sitting “normally” hurts after a while 

• standing still without crossing my legs or having one leg behind the other also hurts after a short while (well yes, I stand weird too) ]

• am possibly more screwed up than I previously thought 

• am a freak 

hahahahaha hahahahaha 

// death and suicidal talk below because i’m an edgy egg // 

My nose is screwing me over again. It’s hard to breathe. 

I still want to die. When do I not want to die? At this rate- never! 

Add on how the majority of the websites I check nearly daily have been updated and gone to even worse shit than before (the sites have been shit for a while, they’ve just got even worse somehow), and I bet this sounds dramatic but like.. I swear that makes me even more suicidal. 

I’m so sick of being alive. There’s no point in staying alive this summer. I’ve been keeping a countdown of dread till the day I go back to college. 

The slightest thing ticks me off. I get irritated easily. So seeing websites I frequently go to suddenly change annoys me greatly. And being inconvenienced from one of the few things that makes me feel somewhat good makes me feel.. less willing to stay alive. 

Even websites annoy the hell out of me. Of course this blog is included in that. I hate this fucking blog. Why do I still post here? I don’t even know. 

If I wasn’t so [lazy] I bet I would have killed myself already. Especially this summer. Lmao. There’s absolutely nothing keeping me here on this fucking planet. 

([lazy] may be replaced with other words) 

Nothing makes me happy these days. Food- no. Watching any TV show (ok more like a show online)- no. Playing games- no. Reading books- no. Sleep- no. Going out somewhere and having what “normal” people would consider fun- no. 

Nothing is enjoyable, and that absolutely kills me. What the hell am I supposed to do? I really don’t know. 

I went to the beach yesterday (Monday) and hated it. 

If nothing can make me happy, what’s the point? 

Going back to college means starting classes again, which I know will make me even more miserable. And it’s not just the idea of classes which makes me dread college. Everything about going back there brings me dread now. 

Also.. no offense but fuck ‘friends’ lmao. 

I’m sick of no one caring, no one wondering about me, no one wanting to hang out with me, people showing off how much fun they’re having over the summer, how I always have to end up initiating conversations in order to maintain literally any friendship.. like, fuck this shit. 

That shit really does have to happen every fucking time, huh. That’s great. Truly. *slowly claps* 

And I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of being tired. I’m so tired of being tired all the time. 

No matter how much sleep I get, I swear I always feel exhausted. I could sleep a lot at night, take at least one or two hour-or-longer naps a day and still feel extremely tired. Staying inside all day makes me easily tired. Going out makes me tired even faster. Sleeping doesn’t get rid of the tired. It feels like nothing gets rid of the tired. 

I’m just so fucking done with everything. 

/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/

If anyone read my vent journal part of this terrible post, then thanks. Not sure why anyone would have read it though. 

Anyway, I’m an abnormal freak and that’s the tea. 

Good bye. 

Fierdan - integration

Hi, I had this idea for a post for over a week now. 

Here. *throws this post at you* Take it. 

Ok so, I found a word that fits how I think about my following characters... 

in story 1: 

• Duke

• Fierdan 

and in the following stories (and the end of story 1 too I guess): 

• Danny (who eventually grows comfortable in the ‘Fierdan’ name again) 

• (in other words) story 2+ Fierdan 

........ yeah. 

and that word is... integration. 

...... uh ok. sure thing, cutepups. 

In story 1, Duke and Fierdan are two separate characters. They have their own life experiences. They’re two (for the most part) people. 

At the end of story 1, they integrate. (That’s the best word I have for it.) 

So then after that happens, they’re one character. They’re one person. 

The integrated (or, like, ‘whole’) version of them (or, more like, ‘him’) gets the name Danny/Fierdan (both really). 

(Wait, the parentheses are confusing. Let me repeat that. And add more things for clarification.)

The integrated version of him is called Fierdan. There is a what I call a story 1 Fierdan and a story 2+ Fierdan. They are not completely the same. 

Just like (s1) Fierdan is (s2+) Fierdan, so is Duke. So that means Duke also is Fierdan. 

Fierdan replaces Duke as a main character. Duke becomes Fierdan. 

The name that’s more dominant is Fierdan. The ‘Fierdan’ names overrides the ‘Duke’ one. That’s why his integrated/whole name becomes ‘Fierdan’ as opposed to ‘Duke’... though other integrated names for him (should I be saying ‘them’ here? idk) are his actual birth name (Daniel) and Danny. 

Anyway, this probably sounds like nonsense. I can’t think clearly. 

You guys probably knew this all already. Haha, I’m dumb and slow. 

...... that also means that (s2+) Fierdan has life experiences of two ‘people’... which means twice the amount of trauma. having to live through their (Duke and s1 Fierdan) different tragedies of being alive. 

Duke’s traumas + (s1) Fierdan’s traumas = (s2+) Fierdan’s traumas 

how lovely!!1!1!!! AHHHHH 

....... but on a more positive note, one possible cause of Danny/Fierdan (I’m getting of typing ‘s1/s2+ Fierdan- sorry) genuinely falling in love with J___ is because both Duke and Fierdan start lowkey being in love with him back in story 1. 

I think Duke meets J___ first. I wrote down my ideas for that before. Anyway, that encounter? That’s love, baby. 

So because Duke (kinda..?) loves (admires? appreciates? thinks of differently than the past few characters he’s been around *cough* Risak and Taurel *cough*) J___, it helps Danny/Fierdan ending up loving J___. 

They’re in love. They love each other. 

Uh... Duke/Fierdan/Danny are/is bi. 

Ugh, I can’t phrase anything well these days. Maybe that’s why I didn’t post for a week. 

Bye bye bye ~~ 

oh hi again

Wow, I didn’t get any spam comments since my last post. Umm.. rude.

Haha, just kidding. It’s okay, don’t worry about it.

I didn’t post anything new for over a week. Oh geez.

By the way, I didn’t write any new skit. Sorry to bring that disappointing news.

Can anyone rely on me? *shrugs*

Well anyway, I have therapy in the morning.

Uh.. ok.. how do I do this Blogspot Blogger blogging again? Dang, I feel so disconnected from this blog’s URL.

But yeah. I’m still alive.

I guess you can say I’ve been (and still am) depressed.

.... and that I’ve lost interest in even making posts on here. since nothing really interests me these days. in other words, nothing feels enjoyable.

Some things are better than others, don’t get me wrong.

(Eww, I don’t want to get into this now.)

...... ok but. is it really living if you’re feeling like you’re in a simulation where every day is the same? or if you’re lucky, there’s a slight variation day-to-day? is it really living when even watching tv shows you want to watch is hard to do? like ok, you want to watch the shows but you just, for some unidentifiable reason, can’t? you have so much time to kill, but watching the shows you want to watch is too much effort and requires too much concentration on your part. is it really living when every food you eat, despite how different they each are, tastes generally the same? it’s the same boring taste over and over. nothing tastes good. also, no movies are good. everything sucks. is it really living when you’re just existing?

Maybe I’ll ramble on about my current state of mind later. I doubt it. I’m just speculating here.

/-:-/-:-/-:-/

Anyway, this was the first thing I drew since.. well, since the last time I posted my art.

It’s the only recent art I have so far.

It’s just a rough sketch, but it’s the only thing I have.

I haven’t worked on my art in months. So, uh, keep that in mind.

Plus, it’s pretty much canon that my mental health is out of wack.

(yeah *sad cowboy*)

Anyway, the character is J___.

it’s ja boi! 

...... thanks for reading this and looking at my attempt at art. take care of yourselves please. i might not comment as much these days, but i care about all of you a lot. 

~ Cutepups 

more music that reminds me of my tragic children/teens/adults

Long title. Ok.

Hi, I'm finally back with another post. It's only been 3 or 4 days, but that feels like a long time to me.

I have time blindness. I have no concept of time.

I'm just here like... fuck. idk man.

My Spotify Premium ran out Monday. I totally forgot it was running out. So that means listening to my playlists is kinda harder now.

And so, I'm making a post where I insert YouTube videos into it. Actually, I wanted to make this post since Saturday, but I never got to it until now.

(I know I could be articulating my thoughts more clearly, but now I simultaneously feel empty/numb/apathetic and upset. So that's that, I guess.)

Oh yeah- therapy. It's going okay. I don't really want to talk that much about it online yet. I don't want to go into details. That's understandable, I think.

The thing I was nervous about got clarified and settled out. I know now. It's okay.

(I'm still losing a lot of money to pay for it though because my parents refuse to pay "out of pocket" or whatever that shit's called. So yeah. That's my fucking my life at the moment. Everything's fucking fine. :-}.)

Oh and I went on AJ last night or two nights ago. I got buddy requests and Jam-A-Grams. If any of them are from any blog viewers (aka people reading my blog posts on my here blog), then... hi, how's it going, hey, what's up, how are you, howdy,,.

..... Please speaketh to me. I am oh so very lonely. :-(

Anyway. Yeah. Music.

By "tragic children/teens/adults" I mean Fierdan and/or Duke, Ryen, and Dawn. For some reasons, these songs remind me of them when they lived under the "parental" rule of Z and also when they grew up to be their traumatized selves.

How pleasant my story is! :'-)

(These songs are mostly about Fierdan though. *cough, cough*)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(*Warning: There may be flashing in the following videos.*)

This Life~ The New Age

Pessimistic~ The New Age

Debt~ The New Age

The Truth~ The New Age

Creature of Habit~ The New Age

(Gosh ok, I'm starting to like this band a lot. Now onto other ones...)

Memories~ EarlyRise

Fever~ Sunsleep

Dangerous Man~ Little Dume 

Broken Inside~ Broken Iris

The Eyes of Tomorrow~ Broken Iris

Hell~ Ghost Town

Modern Tragedy~ Ghost Town

(and this song, which is mostly just for myself...)

I Lost You~ THE WLDLFE 

"why can't i be happy?"

🎶🎶🎶🎶

Mm, these lyrics remind me of Fierdan (story 1 and story 2+):

- "This Life": "you ran away from your anguish / you'd run away from yourself / i've been raised to be just another pawn in this world / full of hate, full of shame and guilt / memories too hard to see, i've lost control of me / some months ago, i came to terms with my worst fears / fuck, i've wasted three years / but now it seems i'm an addict / screaming 'fuck the world, i've had it!'/ after everything destroys you, will you fight? will you stand up?" 

- "Pessimistic": "I never thought I would become a slave / to all the hatred that burns inside me / you'd take everything that i ever loved / liars, you made me the man that i am today / and i'm tired of feeling hopeless / and i'm tired of being used /  what do i have to give to you? / your eyes cut like knives, and i knew you had it out for me / i have nothing to give to you / you had it out for me from the start / will you ever quit? will you ever stop this shit? i can't take it / no, you'll never catch me this way again / so we yell for help but no one's there / so we run 'til we're dead / 'cause we meet villains instead of friends / i'm tired of feeling / i'm tired of being used / i lie to live"

- "Debt": "have i become what i feared? / a broken man with nothing, nothing / you'll pay for everything you did / what you created / you made it this way / will you change what you did? / how long will you live a liar's life? / you killed my innocence, but i still care / you're wasting life / and just like you, i've wasted life away and i would spend every day / thinking about the changes i could make / but in the end i was a slave, yeah i was a slave to my mattress / but the fact is your practice of fear and madness no longer works on me / finally, some feeling of relief"

("Debt" especially reminds me of child Danny/Pre-Fierdan and child Dawn with Z. I imagine the song being Fierdan reflecting on when he and Dawn were children and had Z as a "father figure".. or, well, he was supposed to be that but he fucked up. Z didn't explicitly abuse Fierdan physically in any way, but Z definitely caused Fierdan to be.. well, fucked up and with symptoms of trauma. I imagine Fierdan singing this song (or just screaming the lyrics at the top of his lungs) about Z. I can't really imagine Dawn singing it, but the underlined lyrics remind me of her "relationship" with Z. I put that in quotation marks because I can't get myself to call it any type of relationship. Except abusive. It's abusive.)

(The underlined lyrics make me think of sexual abuse. Dawn was sexually abused in her past. connect the dots...)

(ok, one more.)

- "The Truth": "no one could ever make me feel more abandoned / but can i blame you? / you took my shit for far too long / and you just walked away as i laid there / your eyes so cold and full of distaste / what did i do to make you feel so sick? / no, another tragedy in my life / my hands on your body / i should break your neck / so you don't have to know the hell you put us through / when i think of mistakes, you're all i see / i fear the worst from everyone / accusations are pounding through my head / i am always afraid, bending under the weight, that we'll never be able to change / i should know that it's not the truth / all the nights you looked at me and felt no regret / just a slave to your temper / you'll better believe i'll smile when you're dead"

(Again, I can imagine Fierdan singing these lyrics and pretending he could scream them in Z's ears over and over. Especially the last set of lyrics. So it's Fierdan screaming in song format yet again, huh. Oh yes, it sure is.)

🎶🎶🎶🎶

I started this post before midnight. Now look at the time? It's well after midnight now.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Fuck.

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It’s August

Yikes. It’s August now. Time sure is flying by.

Hello.

(Why did I make this post? Uh...)

I’m thinking of possibly writing a new skit. Not sure about making it have multiple parts. They’ll be at least one. Well, if I actually go ahead and write it..

I miss writing scenes with Duke being so dramatic and tragic.

... oh hey, that rhymes. (“dramatic and tragic” nice.)

I’m also thinking about writing a post about J___’s past and what his life was like before blahblahblah-events-of-story-1.

Oh hmm...

Well anyway.

I have therapy in the morning.

(Wow, I can actually get to say that for the time being..)

My thoughts have been all over the place this past week. Some days I’m like “I can’t function, why can’t I function” and others I’m like “I’m fine haha everything’s fine” and when you add in my thoughts about therapy and.. well, my brain is metaphorically on fire.

I hate how nowadays I keep getting the train of thought that getting help is pointless, and therapy won’t actually help me. That I’m too beyond saving, or I’m too broken, or I’m just a lazy piece of shit that pretends there’s something wrong with me when there really isn’t.

Like.. the signs are there. But now that I’m in the process of getting help, the doubt kicked into my thoughts. Hard.

idk if therapy’s gonna work, it’s something new, and yeah i’m still scared-

The amount of times my thoughts shift from “I NEED professional help or I’ll Literally Die” to “I don’t need therapy, this is a waste of time” is way, way too many. It’s like my brain flip flops. And I hate it.

It’s like my brain is so convinced on staying its shitty self that it’s afraid of getting better and working properly. So it tells me there’s no point in trying to get better. There’s no point in trying- in general.

And can I just say? I am so tired of this! Logically, I know I needed professional help for so long now, but emotionally, I’m scared and doubtful and afraid nothing will work to “fix me” or some shit like that.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

brain mush..

I feel like I messed something up in the last appointment. Hopefully, I didn’t and it’s just my anxiety being a dick.

hhhhh money $$ ,,, ;;

alright, alright. okay.

I hope it’ll go okay. I hope I’ll be okay.

therapy. ahh-

~*~*~*~ 

PS: I got a manicure the other day, and now this fool (me) has blue nails. 

(bad quality shot. *smh*) 

blue bleu bluey boo