Uh, I mean, hello.
My parents finally listened to the Hamilton the Musical soundtrack. Gosh, I still love it.
I’m seeing that play with my family in the near distant future.
Ooh ahh ,, exciting !!!!
I was able to fall asleep these past two nights. That’s a good sign, I guess. I don’t feel as bad today either. Physically, I mean.
My siblings both left to do whatever they’re doing with their lives. (she’s going back to school; he’s going back to work in the city he now lives in). ok.
Ok so here’s the main reason I made this post:
Today’s August 26th. At least where I am.
And it might be Dawn’s birthday.
(I changed my mind since the Zodiacs post I made about my characters’ birthdays.)
I keep on forgetting the birthdays of my characters. I am a bad creator. :(
Character birthdays list (eh.. sorta):
• Duke/Fierdan- December 19th
• Twinkle- April 23rd
• Dawn- August 26th
• Finny- January 22nd
• Sparkle- early February
• Ryen- late September
• J___- early June
That’s all I have for now. I thought I would figure out all their birthdays by now, but I haven’t.
(I know some characters aren’t even included in that list. I can’t decide what their birthday months are.)
I go back to school in a week. My classes start next week. :’(
I don’t know how to put it in words, especially just through text, but. Deeply thinking is kinda harder for me to do now. And especially a few hours after I take my medication and in the mornings. Later on in the day, my mind feels less.. empty? foggy? idk how to describe it.
I feel the most like myself today. I don’t feel too weird.
Today, the nausea isn’t really there. My stomach still hurts, but it hurts not as much now. I’m not as drowsy either. I’m still tired though.
(idk what i’m even trying to say)
*forgets what I wanted to say*
..... *remembers part of it a minute later*
When I try and think back to my first two years of blogging, I don’t know how I was able to write posts like that.
I know that can be about a thousand things, but this time I’m really referring to how I was able to read more easily. I could write long paragraphs (sometimes not even that many separate paragraphs) and read them over so easily like it wasn’t a problem. Well, haha, now that’s kind of a problem for me. Reading large amounts of text without spaces or paragraphs is a lot harder for me to do now. Reading is hard. This sucks, man.
I really don’t know how I could manage writing posts with just a large chunk of text. Thinking of reading my old posts could might as well give me a headache now, haha.
(I think that was what I wanted to say about that. It’s hard for me to think clearly and remember everything. Like I said, I don’t really know how to explain it.)
........ I know I shouldn’t say this (cognitive distortions?), but.. uh....
I feel so stupid now than how I was in the past. Like yeah, I have more life experience since I’m older, but still. To me, it feels like 2017 through 2019 just merged into one year-like time thing. Ok, not ‘year’ I just don’t have the words for what I’m trying to say.
What have I done? I don’t know, man, everything’s a blur.
I’m pretty sure I have some of my memory erased. I can’t remember so many things. And lots of memories I just remember vaguely or the overall pictures of instead of in details. It kinda feels like I can’t recall.. living those memories. And that messes me up. I feel so twisted up inside, and it’s not just because of a pill I take.
It’s weird to say, but it feels like the only true stability I have in my life is my characters. Not necessarily any story; just the characters themselves are a form of stability in my life. They’re always there. They didn’t leave my mind. They didn’t leave me physically. I haven’t gotten away from them (because of college or even because of my symptoms of mental illness gradually becoming more severe (though I’m not sure if they’re even actually labeled ‘severe’ on the scale things) or.. maybe something else as well).
(Ugh, what was I saying?)
It doesn’t physically feel like I suffered any brain damage. At the same time, it feels like my brain is damaged. That parts of my brain haven’t been working properly. *cough* my poor mental health.
And so yeah, I feel stupid. Like a big dumb-dumb. :-(
It’s just such a feeling. It’s not just me who thinks I have a depressive disorder. That me feeling depressed isn’t just a fleeting feeling.
Same goes for anxiety.
Who would’ve thought? My ways of.. being aren’t normal. Thinking what I do isn’t healthy.
Some months are better than others, but now I know that even if not every day feels like hell, I’ve still been suffering all this time.
Mental health professionals think I have anxiety and depression. So there.
(Am I leaving other things out? Maybe? We don’t know enough. ?? uh, what? ...)
I originally planned on making this post just about Dawn, but I changed my mind obviously. Haha, I change my mind at the last second.
*mind blanks out, can’t read words on my screen*
... ... ... ... ... ...
*comes back*
By “starting medication” I have the feeling you guys know what I’m referring to. So I’ll confirm it now.
I started taking an antidepressant.
There, I said it.
I’m going to try and refrain from going into too many details. Because doing that feels weird. Uh..
*forgets anything else I might have wanted to include in this post*
uhhhh hhhhhhhhh
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mind: error message in static
Yet again, this post was written in a ‘stream of consciousness’ type of way. I didn’t take a long break from the start of the post to this point in the post.
Bye for now. <3
~ Shan
(idk if i want to keep signing off all my personal posts with my aj name. so i’m starting to use my real (shorter?) name. ok.)
bye now. <3
~ Shan
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