Hi, I'm finally back with another post. It's only been 3 or 4 days, but that feels like a long time to me.
I have time blindness. I have no concept of time.
I'm just here like... fuck. idk man.
My Spotify Premium ran out Monday. I totally forgot it was running out. So that means listening to my playlists is kinda harder now.
And so, I'm making a post where I insert YouTube videos into it. Actually, I wanted to make this post since Saturday, but I never got to it until now.
(I know I could be articulating my thoughts more clearly, but now I simultaneously feel empty/numb/apathetic and upset. So that's that, I guess.)
Oh yeah- therapy. It's going okay. I don't really want to talk that much about it online yet. I don't want to go into details. That's understandable, I think.
The thing I was nervous about got clarified and settled out. I know now. It's okay.
(I'm still losing a lot of money to pay for it though because my parents refuse to pay "out of pocket" or whatever that shit's called. So yeah. That's my fucking my life at the moment. Everything's fucking fine. :-}.)
Oh and I went on AJ last night or two nights ago. I got buddy requests and Jam-A-Grams. If any of them are from any blog viewers (aka people reading my blog posts on my here blog), then... hi, how's it going, hey, what's up, how are you, howdy,,.
..... Please speaketh to me. I am oh so very lonely. :-(
Anyway. Yeah. Music.
By "tragic children/teens/adults" I mean Fierdan and/or Duke, Ryen, and Dawn. For some reasons, these songs remind me of them when they lived under the "parental" rule of Z and also when they grew up to be their traumatized selves.
How pleasant my story is! :'-)
(These songs are mostly about Fierdan though. *cough, cough*)
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(*Warning: There may be flashing in the following videos.*)
This Life~ The New Age
Pessimistic~ The New Age
Debt~ The New Age
The Truth~ The New Age
Creature of Habit~ The New Age
(Gosh ok, I'm starting to like this band a lot. Now onto other ones...)
Memories~ EarlyRise
Fever~ Sunsleep
Dangerous Man~ Little Dume
Broken Inside~ Broken Iris
The Eyes of Tomorrow~ Broken Iris
Hell~ Ghost Town
Modern Tragedy~ Ghost Town
(and this song, which is mostly just for myself...)
I Lost You~ THE WLDLFE
"why can't i be happy?"
🎶🎶🎶🎶
Mm, these lyrics remind me of Fierdan (story 1 and story 2+):
- "This Life": "you ran away from your anguish / you'd run away from yourself / i've been raised to be just another pawn in this world / full of hate, full of shame and guilt / memories too hard to see, i've lost control of me / some months ago, i came to terms with my worst fears / fuck, i've wasted three years / but now it seems i'm an addict / screaming 'fuck the world, i've had it!'/ after everything destroys you, will you fight? will you stand up?"
- "Pessimistic": "I never thought I would become a slave / to all the hatred that burns inside me / you'd take everything that i ever loved / liars, you made me the man that i am today / and i'm tired of feeling hopeless / and i'm tired of being used / what do i have to give to you? / your eyes cut like knives, and i knew you had it out for me / i have nothing to give to you / you had it out for me from the start / will you ever quit? will you ever stop this shit? i can't take it / no, you'll never catch me this way again / so we yell for help but no one's there / so we run 'til we're dead / 'cause we meet villains instead of friends / i'm tired of feeling / i'm tired of being used / i lie to live"
- "Debt": "have i become what i feared? / a broken man with nothing, nothing / you'll pay for everything you did / what you created / you made it this way / will you change what you did? / how long will you live a liar's life? / you killed my innocence, but i still care / you're wasting life / and just like you, i've wasted life away and i would spend every day / thinking about the changes i could make / but in the end i was a slave, yeah i was a slave to my mattress / but the fact is your practice of fear and madness no longer works on me / finally, some feeling of relief"
("Debt" especially reminds me of child Danny/Pre-Fierdan and child Dawn with Z. I imagine the song being Fierdan reflecting on when he and Dawn were children and had Z as a "father figure".. or, well, he was supposed to be that but he fucked up. Z didn't explicitly abuse Fierdan physically in any way, but Z definitely caused Fierdan to be.. well, fucked up and with symptoms of trauma. I imagine Fierdan singing this song (or just screaming the lyrics at the top of his lungs) about Z. I can't really imagine Dawn singing it, but the underlined lyrics remind me of her "relationship" with Z. I put that in quotation marks because I can't get myself to call it any type of relationship. Except abusive. It's abusive.)
(The underlined lyrics make me think of sexual abuse. Dawn was sexually abused in her past. connect the dots...)
(ok, one more.)
- "The Truth": "no one could ever make me feel more abandoned / but can i blame you? / you took my shit for far too long / and you just walked away as i laid there / your eyes so cold and full of distaste / what did i do to make you feel so sick? / no, another tragedy in my life / my hands on your body / i should break your neck / so you don't have to know the hell you put us through / when i think of mistakes, you're all i see / i fear the worst from everyone / accusations are pounding through my head / i am always afraid, bending under the weight, that we'll never be able to change / i should know that it's not the truth / all the nights you looked at me and felt no regret / just a slave to your temper / you'll better believe i'll smile when you're dead"
(Again, I can imagine Fierdan singing these lyrics and pretending he could scream them in Z's ears over and over. Especially the last set of lyrics. So it's Fierdan screaming in song format yet again, huh. Oh yes, it sure is.)
🎶🎶🎶🎶
I started this post before midnight. Now look at the time? It's well after midnight now.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Fuck.
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