:-)

Story art. That only I understand.

Fox? Human? Both? Neither? 

Be glad it's uncolored. 

Content warning for: 

Blood, body horror, and nudity.

That twisted blood around the arm and middle finger though. 

Parts of the hand (paw) are supposed to look broken. 

Oh, the damned brutality. 

<3 <3 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Non-story stuff: 

I'm reading a book. Haven't done that in a while. Except for school.

Death. Big mood. Oops heck. 

Got to take senior pictures tomorrow. Not looking forward to that at all. So many things. Ugh. 

Annoyed by what I have to do. Gotta do girly things like hair and makeup. For school.

So many mirrors. Cameras. Angles of my face. Every angle.

Drape. Rose. Gown. Yellow gown. 

Ah heck why. Eeesh. Gross. 

..........................

Here's a problem: 

I like sleeping. More than staying awake, to be honest. I love lying down. 

But I keep on having bad dreams. How distressing. 

I'm sick of it. The sudden body aches. When I shouldn't be getting them. The bad dreams. 

I was feeling good when I fell asleep last night. Why, brain, why. 

Ugh...

................................................

Up, down. Up, down. 

Falling in the warmth. 

Summer negativity.

Trapped in the vertex of despair. 

Am I even alive? How am I? 

What's my identity? Who am I? 

Copycat, copycat.

Copy. Cat.

Sick of it all.

Sick of this pain. 

Thinking about dying instead of living.

Dreams turning dark.

Fears. Insecurities.

Not knowing what will happen to me. 

Not caring about my own life like I should.

Ruining myself.

Not knowing what I want.

Being hopeless about my life. When I shouldn't be.

I'm sick of me being like this. 

Of being me.

Scared of accidentally reaching it.

A breaking point.

Damn it. I'm flawed. 

"It's okay."

"You're not alone."

No. It's not okay. I am alone in this.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

unorganized awful junk

That's basically this post. Yeah sure.

Mm negativity.
~~~~~~~~

I'm going to get a haircut today. I have to look pretty in a few days. But I look very ugly right now. So that's great. Ha, ha.

I feel like I'm losing it again. I can't take much more of this.

To be honest, I've felt like crap ever since my birthday. I have reasons to feel like crap. Still have more reasons. I feel like I'm gonna feel like crap forever.

I'm a bad person. Stubborn. Arrogant. A disappointment. Refuses to do the things I have to do. Pathetic. A fool. I'm not good lmao.

Poem ideas for the story: "Puppet of Melancholy (v. 2)" and "Do You Remember?"

Angst and body horror. Sure sounds like fun.

I feel like blogging and the story are the only things keeping me motivated to stay alive and not fall apart right now.

I don't like existing that much. Oops lmao. I want to sleeo my life away.

Everything is so boring. Nothing is that interesting. It's just the same boring crap all the time.

There's not much happiness in the family right now. Life sucks, okay.

Now on top of them pestering me about college, they're pestering me about getting a job.

Great. : )

Anxiety has ruined my life. I hate this so much.

I kinda hate being 17. It's like the age of recognition. In a year from now, I'll be considered an adult. I hate being old and getting older. I have to do more adult things. I don't want to do those things.

I am scared of so many things. I'm ruining my own life. My life is so close to falling apart. It's my fault.

I've been getting so many headaches recently. This is ridiculous. The other night, it hurt so badly that I had to get out of bed to take some Advil like medication. 2 am. Perfect time, pfft.

My stomach would be there. Casually hurting. Great feel. Pfft no.

So many body aches. It just. Hurts. Life is painful.

Gotta love having those dreams that make me feel worse. Gotta love those. Ha, ha.

Gotta love being reminded of a place that now has bad memories.

Gotta love when this is said to myself in my dream: "I'll be surprised if you're alive and doing something good in your life in the next 5 years."

Surprised that I won't try to kill myself. Uh wow. Thanks so much, dreams. I very do appreciate that. (Just kidding. Leave me alone.)

So many ways to die. Uh haha. Shut up, you hell brain with your terrible thoughts.

I kinda feel like I'm living in deja vu. (However that's actually spelled.)

Disconnection. From myself, from my body. Can't connect.

Same things over and over. I feel like they've happened before. But they haven't. Not exactly.

I'm so scared of failing. So scared about school and final exams.

Damn it. When will the good things come and stay?

Feels like that's only a concept.

Stop posting. This will only make people think you're being dramatic.

Screw it. Screw my life. Everything in life is a wreck.

Bye. :-)

new things wow

Yeah. A made these two things for me. I put them on the blog now. Wow nice.

Cool things. :)

Anyway. I have another headache. Again. 

Thanks, body of mine. :))

Can't escape the stress and despair. Ha, ha.

I feel bad lol.

Bye.

Artsy Mood

Hello. The fool has returned. Yes lol me.

Let's see how long I'll stay in the mood to draw and color characters. How long will happiness and motivation last this time? Will it be more than two days?

Hmm.. anyway. Here's a link to the drawing I was talking about last post.

I don't think I drew anything as good as this one in a while.

lol what's this? XD http://blueblazingspirit.deviantart.com/art/Ethan-contest-entry-682988002 description has all the info and deets :)

Look at me being such a fool. Drawing fan-art with better anatomy than my own characters. The anatomy still sucks though. It just isn't as bad.

(Sorry, every character of mine. You guys don't deserve to be drawn so ugly. :c)

So I had this thought. Ok wow guys, Cutepups thought of something. The overthinker thought of something.

But in the meantime, this is what I'm thinking right now. (oh heck)

- I've been told to check the comment moderation thing. I still haven't checked. Why do I still have comment moderation on? I thought it was because I would know which post got commented on. But now I don't check where the comments go before hitting publish. I only read the first few words before publishing. Lol who knows. (EDIT: I checked for comments. And omg?! :0 <3) 
- It's my dad's birthday. Wow, he's getting old. Wow lol.
- I'm screwed for June 1st. Senior portrait day. Eww, eww. I have so much acne right now. Pfft.
- Me: daydreaming while on car ride. Me: thinks about Fierdan swearing. Me: mm my aesthetic.
- Hmm, those blogging people from back in the day have found me again. Welcome back to my trashy blog. I love you. I just feel awkward commenting on most blogs because of my trashy blog. Blog with bad intentions. Oh heck. I really should comment again.
- Me: leaves a comment. You: clicks my profile. You: goes to my blog. You: No way, it's that Cutepups fool who isolated herself from the Blogging Community for over a year. Me: posts cool posts and then a very negative post about how I'm screwing up my life and don't like living on the average day. You: ... oh. Me: hi there *strokes phone screen with finger* how y'all doing?

Ayy lmao.

Oh right, the thought.

I want to redraw this drawing I drew in February 2017. I never posted it lol.

That was before I put much thought into their hair.

*coughs*

I'm gonna try and redraw that scene. That iconic quote. I love that one.

Oh and lol. Twinkle's Story is going to have angst and lots of pain. All kinds of pain.

Just a reminder. ^-^"

Bye. <3

long weekend has begun

Yes. It's Fridayy! No school till Wednesday. Ayy!

Thursday was another day that sucked.

But today, guys, today didn't actually suck. I had a good school day. Didn't do any actual classwork (like writing down notes) in any of my classes. It was also a half day.

Yeah, good times. Good day. Nice.

I also didn't wake up with a bad headache and/or minor stomach pain today. On school days, I felt that bad stuff every day. But today I didn't.

This morning, I didn't have to take headache medicine before 7 am while going out the door. I had to on the other days. Thursday was a bad one. Had that headache all day.

Wow, Cutepups, that's beautiful.

Oh and my family and I went to this restaurant. Very good food. Yum.

But I am very overwhelmed about a lot of stuff. Overall, life still sucks. It's just a great feeling when I find things that make life suck less since they distract me from thinking about things.

Oh and lol my art. I drew something for a contest entry on dA today. It's someone's character lol.

And I realized something.

I draw fan-art and other people's OCs way better than I draw my own OCs.

Yeah wow lol.

I'm so proud of how my drawing came out. It actually looks pretty good.

I'm a mess. Bye.

ramblings rants (bad post op)

Okay hi, I am terrible. I didn't post yesterday because it was a bad day. Today is also a bad day. My birthday was also a not good day.

Know what that means? Skit time!

Me: Hey--
Viewers: No. Stop it.
Me: *laughs like a cryptid*
Viewers: Ugh, stop it. Don't you even start this--
Me: Isn't it ironic that on my birthday, that pleasant period of happiness vanished?
Viewers: Omg why are you like this?
Me: Mood drop, mm right in the feels.
Viewers: You stop that.
Me: *grins like a cryptid*
Viewers: This fool is so bad.
Me: Isn't it ironic that my birthday was a few days ago, but those "i want to die lol" thoughts are back in my dumb brain?
Viewers: Cutepups...
Viewers: *feel the :/ to maximum overdrive*
Me: Mental stability and health. Whom is she?
Me: I am screwed!
Me: Ha, ha, ha!
Viewers: Shut up, Cutepups.
Me: Heck!

..............

How unfortunate. I'm here to ramble and rant and just be a piece of shiz.

Gotta love that attention from strangers. Mm, that sweet validation. I love you all, friends. Yeah, that's right. I've suddenly made you all be my friends. I'm so mean, I know.

: ) !!!!!!! : )

I kinda want to break all my teeth. I won't though. Having teeth is good. I just hate certain teeth of mine. They're crooked. They're not coming in straight, so they're not normal, and we all know that straight is normal. Haha, ha, ha. Haa! *laughs bitterly and sadly*

I'm supposed to wear this thing all the time. But I haven't. Because I hate wearing it. So now I'm getting hated for not wearing it. And why do I have to wear it? Because of my stupid teeth.

Aaaaaaughhh.

I'm screwed for college and the future. Guess I better die before next year. XD 

(Sorry for my awful sarcasm and dark humor even though I'm not funny. I deserve to be hated and shunned by all.)

I'm 17 now. Things are getting real now. Very real. Life is coming. Life sucks. Growing up sucks. Being a human sucks.

Alright, alright. Onto my points.

I'm at that point in the school year where I have to get teacher recommendations for college. But here's the thing. I'm that very shy, untalkative, anxious and apathetic student. I'm pretty sure all of my teachers dislike me for at least two things. I'm not a perfect student. I don't freaking talk. I don't do all my work every time. I made teachers hate me and lose their trust in me. I'm not close with any of them. So I guess you can call me a screw up.

How the hell am I going to get teacher recommendations in these last few weeks of school? I really don't know.

Freaking college. I hate it, I hate it so much. It's just more miserable learning in an environment that will cause more anxiety, and then there's student loans to make life more crappy.

I'm so apathetic towards my future. It's not even funny. It's sad. Better kill me then. Pfft.

And like. I know my family is upset at me for being so uncaring towards my future because they care about me. Even if they yell and threaten me, I know they do it because I'm so stubborn and it is frustrating that I don't care at all.

They care. They're only doing all of this because they care about me. They want me to be successful. It's okay if I don't know what I want. I mean, sure, I have my whole life ahead of me. I get that.

And I'm here feeling so guilty and crappy and everything bad. My dumb brain loved to put that death soundtrack on repeat for so long that by now I find it hard to imagine myself being alive as an adult in college. I see no point in trying. The only thing I care about is blogging. I don't care about my life in real life. It's bad. I know it's bad. They're doing so much for me, but I'm too unmotivated and apathetic to do anything myself.

I wanna die. I don't wanna die. Life sucks. Life is beautiful.

I just want to know reasons why. Why anything is worth it. Why I should have to do things that will make me unhappy in a society where you're forced to do those things. And if you don't do those things, then I guess it's better off being dead.

It's okay. (No, it's not.)

It's not freaking okay. Everything isn't freaking okay. I'm not freaking okay. Okay?

Now for another reason why I'm screwed. Ha, ha, ha.

So here's the thing. The only colleges I've visited for myself and liked are ones where it's highly recommended that freshmen have their own cars on campus, so that they can actually go places.

Unfortunately, here's the thing. I doubt I can actually do that now.

I hate anxiety. I hate depression. I hate symptoms. I hate myself.

I don't have my license now. I said I would, but I don't. I'm a failure.

Having anxiety + being tested when it was raining the hardest = not good ending.

Right now, I hate driving. I'm just. So stupid.

Haha. If I have anxious feelings, how the hell am I gonna pass and get my license?

It was for something I wasn't even that stressed about. It was a stupid thing, and I am a fool.

If I don't get my license next time I take my test, then I'm screwed big time. I don't know how I'll go to those colleges then. If I'm even accepted anywhere, pfft. And then there's that whole big deal about senior parking.

I hate myself so much.

I mean I guess it's okay if I failed. It's not the end of the world.

But I don't care. It feels like it is to me.

I have classmates who always talk about how easy the test was. How damn simple it was.

Both of my siblings passed theirs first time.

I heard from two people who had their birthdays yesterday. They took the driving test of course. They both passed. It wasn't raining yesterday. It only had to rain on Monday. It only had to be raining when I had to take my test.

I feel like crap. Didn't know it was possible for my self-esteem to drop any lower.

Oh, but that's not all. After my test, I had to get my anxiety levels boosted up again because I thought I lost my permit. Which means I can't drive at all, nevertheless schedule for a re-take.

It freaking sucks being miserable for yet another reason and being yelled at. It freaking sucks having to panic for yet another reason.

The permit was moved to inside the visor. Ha, ha, ha.

The dmv is such a bitter and scary place. It really is.

And for school things, I have a test tomorrow. History. Great.. ugh.

I had a surprise test in lal today. Had only one night to study for it. Had to take it since I've already been taught the info. Had to take it on the iPad, which made it even worse.

I had to take a math quiz after school. I thought the info wasn't that hard. But the way it was put on the quiz made it so me and my classmates definitely failed. Bye, bye B. Ha, ha, haa.

: ) : ) : ) : ) : ) screaming.

It was hectic to even get that quiz. Had to do so much to get it. Only to fail it.

Haa. Haa. Ahh.

Oh and I also have a project to do.

Great! :^)

Now for mental health issues. Stuff about that. Kind of.

I read somewhere that out of all the months of the year, people are the happiest and least depressed in July.

Haha, guess that's another reason why I'm a cryptid who can't relate to most people.

In July 2016, I was definitely not the happiest and most depressed that month. July 2015 didn't make me feel that happy either.

I wanted to die so many times last July. Lmao. Those nasty boys. Intrusive thoughts, negative thinking. Nasty.

And yet July is supposed to be the happiest month? Lmao I got issues then.

I mean I do feel dreadful and ugh in the winter months. But like. I felt worse in July 2016 than December 2016.

But then again. December 2015 was also an unhappy month for me.

So. Year-round :/. Fantastic.

Anyway, I've been trying to not think too much and fall back into that toxic and ventful depressive cycle. I've been thinking about the story again, which distracted me from thinking about bad things like I used. But damn, it's so hard to. I'm still tired all the time to some degree, still have body aches sometimes, still am apathetic and not genuinely interested in most things, still thinking about death irrationally, still an anxious wreck, still completely hopeless about my future...

Okay, nothing changed. I thought I was better. That maybe it was all just a phase.

Heh, it probably isn't. Nothing changed, goddamnit.

My sister thinks there's something wrong with me because I don't want to say what I want for my birthday. Pfft, it's complicated.

She was threatening to bring me to a psych hospital. Haha, sound familiar? Heard that one before.

Except, uhm, I'm not at my worst. I've been far worse in the past. And only now do you realize that maybe I have mental health issues?

Only now do any of you (I mean my family lol) say, "hey maybe we should take you to therapy ... I'll phone them and drag you there ... put you on some antidepressants!". When I'm not feeling bad, you say this. Only a few hours later, do the bad feelings come back. Ha, ha, haa.

:)) :(( :/ ////// 

Basically. When I'm at my lowest, you don't say anything about it. When I'm feeling okayish, you talk all about it.

When the doctor said to go in August, you did nothing. Now out of the blue, you bring up the topic of therapy. When I'm not feeling that bad.

Wow. Family. Just wow.

:/ long sigh.

And one last thing. Personal pet peeve of mine.

I don't talk that much. In fact, I rarely do. People are always like, "Why don't you talk?" So I'm gonna explain why.

I hate my voice. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel disconnected from it. Dysphoric? Can that word be used here? Hmm.

In my head, my voice sounds okay. I'm fine with how it sounds in my head.

But of course to other people and in recordings, my voice sounds totally different. I'm perceived totally differently than how I perceive myself.

I sound so high-pitched and in a weird accent (??) when I hear my own voice.

I hate it. I hate how I sound. No one in my family sounds the way that I do.

Ugh, why am I such a cryptid? Why can't I be normal? Ugh.

That's why I don't talk a lot. I know how I sound to other people, and I hate that.

Oh and now they're here. Great. Life is great. I sure do love life.

Ha, ha. Haaaaaa. :))

Bad post. I'm gonna end it.

~heck~

Sunshine Blogger Award Tag + Songs Reminding me of Characters in Scenes

Long title, huh?

I got tagged in something a while back, so I'm going to give my answers now.

Got tagged by Purplestarclub on her blog called My Little Jammers. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. If you could change something about your personality, what would it be?
Hmm.. my low self-esteem to make it not low? I think that puts my low self-confidence, high shyness, indecisiveness, insecurity, and self-hatred as one thing.

2. What is your favourite place to visit? (E.g: Zoo, museum, etc)
I always like going to New York City to see Broadway plays.

3. Cats or dogs?
Both! I love cats and dogs so, so, soo much! How dare you make me choose! >:0

4. Who is your favourite YouTuber?
Nigahiga is one of my faves. :')
I also like theodd1sout, AmazingPhil, Daniel Howell (aka danisnotonfire) as a few more of my faves.

5. If you could change your username, what would you change it into?
Well, I don't play AJ that much anymore, so I don't really care and feel insecure about my username as much as I did in the past. I've learned to accept and embrace the Cutepups of my name. But I also want to change my Blogger name to have "spirit", "ghost", and/or "blue" in it, since I'm known as those names on other sites.

6. If you could switch bodies with anyone, who would it be?
Hmm... I really don't know. However, I think I would like to be in a different body than my own.

7. If you were only allowed to watch 1 YouTube channel forever, who would you pick?
I can't choose just one. I'm very indecisive! One hour I could be listening to music videos, the next hour could be watching speedpaints, the next could be watching more traditional YouTube type videos (is it called vlogging?).

8. What is your favorite blog?
Uh... I like chibird. ^-^

9. What would you do if Blogger shut down?
To be honest, Blogger kinda already did. The Blogger app on my iPad barely works (it's so hard to type posts on there, omg) and the new app costs money. But anyway, if it really did shut down, I would be a little sad. I would just use my deviantart and tumblr then.

10. If you could teleport to any TV show/movie/book universe, which one would it be? Why?
Book/Movie: Harry Potter. The reason should be pretty obvious- magic, wizards, houses, Hogwarts... come on, sounds like an epic universe to be in.
TV show: Avatar the Last Airbender / Legend of Korra. First off, both series are probably at the top or near the top of my list for favorite TV shows. I love the Avatar series so much, even though I first watched both series earlier this year. Being able to bend the element of water, fire, earth, or air (or maybe a variation of one of them) sounds pretty epic. Non-benders are also pretty cool characters, even if they can't bend. These shows have also inspired me to write Twinkle's Story chapters again.
Oh and I really like the outfits in the Harry Potter and Avatar universes. Both have dragons, and who doesn't love dragons?

11. If you could meet any 1 of your online friends in real life, who would it be and why?
I've got to go with A. I feel like we have went through a lot of stuff together (ish?), and A has been an online friend of mine the longest.

I don't really know who I could tag. If you didn't do this tag already and you have a blog, then I tag you to do it. If any such person who reads this exists, then you can answer Purple's questions as well. I'm too lazy to think of my own questions, oops.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I found more songs that relate to my characters and scenes in Twinkle's Story.

My dumb brain loves to do this. Pfft.

I'm also trying to not fall into that dark pit of despair again. Got my reasons why I could.

Well, here are the songs. I don't own any content in the videos, of course. I didn't check to see if there are any swear words in the lyrics.

"Can you see the red"~ Dead by April

Reminds me of Fierdan and Soulless in past chapters and the past events. Reminds me of Duke in future chapters when he's with Risak and Taurel. It reminds me of Duke a little more than Fierdan but not by much.

"Playing With Fire"~ Dead by April

It should be obvious that this is another song that reminds me of Fierdan and Duke. Oh, mirrors and regrets for "playing" with fire? Wow, that definitely relates to them.

"Madness"~ Ruelle

Reminds me of Twinkle's feelings about Duke and a little about Dawn as well. Explained more in future chapters, I guess.

"Telepathic"~ Starset

Reminds me of Fierdan (Danny), Duke, Soulless, Dawn, and Ryen for some reason. I'm not exactly sure why, but it reminds me of them. I like this song a lot, so I'm going to include it here anyways.

"Alice"~ Silent Theory

Reminds me of Alice in Wonderland, of course, but also my characters. Reminds me of Fierdan (Danny) and Dawn when they're new to Jamaa, and Ryen. I think of it as Fierdan and Dawn switching the role of narrator around in the lyrics, and that "brother" is Ryen. Oh and it kinda reminds me of Soulless as well.

"Faceless"~ Silent Theory

Reminds me of Duke in future chapters. I think of it as Duke referring to Taurel, Soulless, Fierdan, Dawn, and Calliah. When he's like, "I'm done with all the crap you guys made me go through, making me play your sick games just because of my existence. Now it's my turn for me to inflict pain on you, so you'll know how much you made me suffer." It's hard to explain that well since you don't know the story events in chapters that aren't out yet.

"Fragile Minds"~ Silent Theory

Reminds me of Duke at the end of the story. I think of it when Fierdan is there and he's going to exterminate Soulless and reunite the Duke part of his soul with the rest of his. Oh and Duke and Fierdan question their sanity a lot. Not necessarily in the same way though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, I want to give out shout-outs for the art birthday gifts. I love them both. <3

(If you're uncomfortable that I downloaded your art for me and saved it to my computer, then tell me.)

Rainbow000Pegasus drew a picture of Twinkle and Duke for my birthday. I'm still not over how cute this is. Ahh, it's them! Don't you guys think they look great? Yes, of course you do. So what if it was drawn quickly and is just a sketch (tbh idk lol)? It's still quality art. :0 :)

Purplestarclub drew this adorable picture of me with cute pups. She thinks her art isn't great, but I think it's great the way it is. Wow, just look at this. It's so cute! I'm going to use this as a signature to my posts now. :0 :)

I also got a lot of nice and kind birthday messages today. They made me smile and my day better. There are so many lovely people out there. <3

I doubt tomorrow will be a good day. Meh. :/

Goodbye! 

(It makes a nice signature, right?)

whelp

Ah yes. Hello. It's that fool called Cutepups. The birthday of Cutepups the fool.

16 is officially over for me. No more 2016, no more 16 years old.. okay it's over.

That bad number is done. *claps*

I already got quite a few happy birthday messages. Very nice, very nice.

I'm going to leave for my driving test pretty soon. Wow, this is it. Ooh scary.

Hopefully, it'll be okay. Hopefully, I'll be okay.

Breakdown? No, not today please.

It's raining. I'm hoping it'll stop raining when I take my test.

Rain isn't that bad though.

This day is going to change me. Oh heck.

Oh and I don't think I made a birthday post last year. Geez, 2016 Cutepups was such a sad disappointment.

But if I fail, I won't be the only failure in my family. Woop.

But I hope I pass. Obviously.

I'm really trying to not be scared and stressed. Man, it's hard to.

*crosses fingers for good luck*

♡♡♡☆☆☆

rip 16 y/o me

Whew, the last post before my birthday. It sure has been quite a year. Oh boy.

I'm home now. Have this drawing I just finished. 

Human demonic Duke. 

Damn, I love this look. It's way later in the story. 

I rushed the coloring, but it's supposed to be him in his blood red suit. 

Spoiler look Duke as a human. 

~~~~~~

Anyway, in 24 hours from now I could have my driver's license. Ahh. Still can't believe it. 

This weekend has been pretty good. 

I saw Cats yesterday. That's the name of the show. Man, do I love cats. Gotta love them dancing and singing cats. 

Had some very good food too. Food is good. Haha yes.

Honestly, I find it kinda amusing to read through my birthday posts in previous years. It's cool how blogging documents how much I've changed (and haven't) over the years. 

Ahh. Bye. <3 

~ Cutepups 

yooo

Hi. Today has been a day.

I'm not home. I'm somewhere else. I drove here. This time with only my mom.

Yeah wow lol.

I'm just gonna try and ignore the stress and despair I'm feeling about my birthday (road test) and the day after (stressful stuff going on).

I went to a jazz concert today. It was pretty nice. Good music. Cool.

I felt bad when I made that last post. I was feeling stressed and scared. So yeah lol.

I lost my earbuds. I have them back now. It's okay, guys, it's okay.

Well, I'll be in the city tomorrow. Seeing a play on Broadway. Just like I do for my birthday every year.

I still can't believe it's been just about a year since my 16th birthday. I feel like I haven't been driving for almost a year.

Time. Wow scary.

Oh and my cousin had her baby today, according to my sister. That means my birthday isn't stolen. Whew, that's a relief.

I feel like I've grown and yet stayed the same over the years on this blog. It's been three years. I changed quite a bit from 13-going-on-14 year old me.

Growing. Changing. Evolving.

Ah, that's life.

♡☆♡☆

never mind lmao

Well, at least there's a tag I can do. I'll do that on a different day.

Anyway, remember that strange positivity I was feeling? Well, forget about that.

Never mind all that.

I'm not positive. I'm negative. Sorry lmao here I go again.

This upcoming week is gonna kill me. If the road test doesn't, then the day after certainly will.

:'^}

I'm so scared. Thought that feeling was gone? Oh no. No it isn't.

I'm barely handling this. I'm gonna lose it.

Ah heck!

I won't be home every day this weekend.

It's on Monday.

It's less than five days away.

It's gonna be raining when I take it, according to the weather forecast.

I have so many quizzes and tests this upcoming week.

My grades are all over the place.

Life is great. I sure do love life. : }

(I live to disappoint. I'm sorry.)

Bye.

more cool stuff

Hopefully, this post is more cool than last post.

Sup. Your local fool is back for another post.

Viewers: What does "sup" mean? We don't live in the same city/town as you.
Me: Haha yes.
Viewers: What? No?
Me: Haha yes.
Viewers: Why do we keep coming back?
Me: I love you too.
Viewers: *run away*
Me: *reality hits as I realize I am typing this as I lie down on the floor past 11 pm*
Me: Cutepups, you sure are a cryptid fool.

Anyway. Hello there.

It's so warm. It's definitely not like the blog header out there. Eww, what is it? It's the heat.

Haha. Cool post. Haha.

I don't make new posts on some days because I have nothing to blog about. That's why I didn't make a new post yesterday. I had nothing to say.

But now I do. Nice.

I've been feeling strangely positive and hopeful for the past few days. Maybe I have a chance? Maybe I'll make it?

My future? Whom?

Story talk:

I've been trying to draw Twinkle. She keeps on looking like a boy. That feel when I draw Twinkle more like a boy than I ever drew Duke or Fierdan. Haha, what the heck..?

I can't stop thinking about him? Who, you ask?

Fierdan. Danny. My very problematic character.

I can't stop thinking about what he's gonna say in an upcoming chapter. Gosh dang, boy. Damn son.

Sensitive and violence warnings. Death Talk. Give us the deets, boy.

Yeet.

I went on a field trip today. Went to my state's Vietnam Memorial.

I'll show you guys a picture at the end of this post.

Then we all went to McDonald's afterwards for lunch. 65+ high schoolers entering McDonald's. Everyone else was probably like, "oh man ah yeet!"

I want to draw myself a new profile picture. I've been thinking about drawing that Cutepups idea. That's so cute and pure. But drawing my characters as profile pictures is also nice.

Hmm, I am indecisive.

Oh, oh! If someone draws me something for my birthday, then maybe I can turn that into a profile picture.

Hehe. Me.

hey so stuff

Hey, I'm just here to make a short post.

I mean it this time. I'm ready to fall asleep lol.

Pfft, it's such a great time to start a post. Wow, Cutepups, wow. :/

About that word, Cutepups, I had this thought today. The name is pretty misleading. I should change my profile pic to a drawing of me (in a cute cartoon style) being surrounded by cute puppies. That'll make more sense. How did I not think of this before?

Okay, next thing.

It's the middle of May, and I still didn't change the blog theme from winter. Like come on, Cutepups, it's no longer winter. It's almost summer. Change the gosh darn blog theme already. :/

(By blog theme, I mean the template with the colors and the header.)

I don't know when I'll be able to do this stuff. Will I ever? Only time will tell.

Next week though. .......... *screams*

And the final thing for this post is about poetry.

I want to create some poetry based on certain scenes from the story.

For example, I have one about Finny and Duke.

Haha oh yes, emotional poems. Gotta love those.

I've also been thinking of writing a new "Puppet of Melancholy" poem. But it would be about the real puppet of melancholy, which is Duke. Fierdan isn't as much as a puppet as Duke is.

Anyway, I want to write that poem much darker and violent than how I wrote it in 2015.

Poor puppet. Cruel things. :c

The story. It.. uh.. it gets brutal.

Yes omg finally.

I won't be able to write new chapters this weekend though.

I got plans.

And my plan now is to end this post and sleep.

:) <3

Some Things :)

Ah, hello there! :)

I've been smiling. This attention, this validation.. so wholesome.

This is so nice. Wow.

Two old online friends of mine who I didn't have contact with in so long came back and commented on my sites.

I got a new person commenting on my ask page, and the person seems nice and is giving compliments.

I got a new follower/person I'm following on another site, and the person is so nice.

Ahh, I love this! :D

Haha, I didn't get these many comments in so long. I was happily surprised to see that the comments weren't from the two people I thought they would be from.

♡♡♡

Anyway, today was Mother's Day. It's been a pretty good day.

Honestly, I probably would have made a vent post if I posted before Sunday. My family and I had very different plans for today, but we couldn't do that for personal reasons regarding my sister and dad. I was disappointed about that, but today was alright.

I'm also a little sick, which sucks. Hopefully, not for much longer.

I mean I got to get better. Very soon. Can't wait.

Because.......

It's almost my birthday! It's May 22nd.

Cutepups the fool is getting old. I'll be turning 17.

That's wild. Me being 17? Omg what the heck.

That's a week away from tomorrow (Monday).

Haha. Haha. Ha. ......... *screams*

I won't be home on the Friday and Saturday before my birthday, so I might not be as active online. I'll be away.

I'm also unsure if I'll post on my birthday. Depending on my result, I'll feel happy or disappointed on my birthday.

Got that road test. Driving in a car. Being judged. Having to do it on my birthday. Me being an anxious wreck.

Ha, haha, ha, ha. ........ *screams*

Gotta do some intense practicing this week.

Parallel parking. Oh boy geez heck man.

'Night! ☆

Fierdan Headshot

I changed some things from the last digital drawing I posted. I colored it. It ends at the neck. 

It's a headshot of Fierdan from my cursed story. (Fierdan, not Duke in this one.) 

I'm bad at drawing threatening eyes, but I think these are okay. 

The faded red is blood. This guy, I swear.. 

Oh and his hair isn't exactly short. Haha yeah. 

Drawing eyelashes is hard. Why I did that, I don't know.

Gotta go, so bye for now. :)

disconnection related

Hi. Today has been a day. A long day at that. I'm tired.

Since I kinda got a request to write some poems, here are some short ones about certain things.

They're based on events from today (Thursday) or earlier.

They're all related to a theme of disconnection. Since for quite some time, I find myself feeling disconnected.

Yeah, me, wow. What a fool.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I feel like she hates me.
I mean I admit it, I deserve it.
I've screwed up before.
I'm not the best.
I'm not that great.
I've never been that great
Nor will I be the best.
But I can't help but know that
She hates me .
I made her disappointed in me.
I embarrassed myself in front of her.
She's annoyed with me.
I think it's pretty obvious that
I made people dislike me.
Because of my stupid actions.
Or maybe I'm overthinking again.
Anxiety blows things out of proportion.
Maybe she doesn't hate me.
Maybe it's just my trashy brain.

- - - -

Here's a random fact about me:
I hate how people can just laugh them off.
I hate how people can laugh at their past embarrassing moments from long ago.
I hate how I can't be like them.
How I can't be like most people
Who can just forget things from years ago.
I hate how I can't laugh.
My past embarrassing moments
I can't laugh at them.
It doesn't matter if they're from today or over five years ago
I can't laugh.
I can't turn my embarrassment into a joke.
Even as a coping mechanism.
Embarrassment is more like a trigger.
There never will be comfort from it.
My embarrassing moments aren't jokes to me like they are to other people.
I can't and never will laugh.
Embarrassment isn't good.
It ruined me.
It ruined myself.
It made me who I am today.
That's probably true.
Whenever I do or recall
My embarrassing moments
I don't laugh and forget
I remember forever.
I hate myself for them.
I want to not exist because of them.
But that's not what you can say when you're asked
"What's your most embarrassing moment?"
In the middle of class when everyone is listening to you.
I can't just tell strangers that when I even simply
Think about
"My most embarrassing moment"
I hate myself and want to die.
Because that's what I think when I recall embarrassing memories.
They're not jokes to me.
They're a different form of scars.

- - - -

On the bus or at school
I hear them.
They got over a 1200 their first time.
They're aiming for a 1400 now.
Meanwhile I'm hearing all this
And I'm hoping for a 1150.
How can I not view myself as stupid if everyone is smarter than me?
I can't.

- - - -

I also hear some of them talk about college.
They know where they want to go.
They know where they will apply.
They know what they're interested in majoring in.
They know their GPAs and all those test scores that are required for each school.
They have jobs.
They know what they want in their future.
Meanwhile I can only draw a blank when it comes to thinking about mine.
Because I don't know what I want.
I don't know anything.
I don't even know how I got to live this long.
It's hard to picture yourself in the future if you can't imagine yourself living in the future.

- - - -

"Everyone has been bullied."
I doubt that sentence is true.
Not everyone in the room has been bullied.
Being called a rude nickname one time doesn't equal being bullied.
Not everyone in the room is a victim of bullying.
Some could be but not all.
Some could be bystanders.
Some could be the bullies.
But I doubt that everyone has been bullied.
To call those times in my elementary school days
To call those times bullying
Makes me unsure to this day.
A subtle type of bullying
Bullying isn't only physical.
Bullying isn't just a boy's thing.
Everyone knows that by now.
But why can't people see that not everyone gets bullied?
Because certain people get bullied for a reason.
That reason is they're different from the other kids.
They don't fit in.
They're different.
"It's good to be different!"
Yeah right.
Then you and I must have had two distinct beliefs
Of what it meant
To be different
When growing up.
Because let me say that
Being treated differently
For things I couldn't control
Because of who I was
Wasn't good.
Being bullied for being different
Is never good.
Since everyone can't be a minority
Since everyone can't be different and unrelatable to the rest
Not everyone is a victim of bullying.

- - - -

I feel so disconnected
From my peers
From my family
Even from myself.
I feel like I can't truly relate to anyone irl.
I even feel disconnected from myself.
Seeing my name and face in photos
It feels so distant to me.
That's actually who I am.
That's how people perceive me.
That's what I look like and am refererred to as in other people's minds.
I feel so disconnected.
Most people know nothing about me.
I'm not like most people.
I can't relate to a lot of people when it comes to certain things.
I doubt I'll ever truly relate.
I feel disconnected from the norm and the average.
I feel disconnected from almost everyone and everything.
I want to connect again.
I want to relate to people when it comes to certain things.
But I can't.
Because if I do that
Then that isn't me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Too tired to continue.

Bye.

bad bad bad

Hi. Let me introduce myself. I'm Cutepups. I also like being called Spirit.

Anyway, I'm an idiot. Nice to meet you. :-)

If you can't tell by my lovely post title, this is a "bad post" which means it's negative.

:^) life sure is great!

/////////////

Ok so here's the problem. I like how I'm writing Twinkle's Story (despite it's gross name lol) again, but I don't at the same time. I mean there are some things about it that I've been trying to fix for a while now. But, well, it's confusing and kinda stressful. And then there's the factor of- do I even have enough time to do this?

I don't know. Okay? I don't freaking know anymore. Is anything even worth it? What's the point?

I'm thinking of this plan about why there are "foxes" and humans. Basically, they're not actual foxes. Duh, of course they're not.

It's complicated lol.

I honestly feel a little uncomfortable thinking about it. You guys probably think they're anthropomorphic foxes. Meanwhile I think that too, but probably in a different way than you do.

The other thing that's been bothering me a lot about the story is Fierdan.

Gah, I don't know. Ugh, I'm sorry.

Am I doing a good thing? Or am I just harming people?

I'm trying to make Fierdan a good guy who people can like in that way. But like. Is that okay to do? Because, come on now, he's done some effed up things. Like, uh, really bad things. And here I am saying he's one of my favorite characters. Am I bad for being this way? I don't know.

This is Fierdan basically:

- Was a nice and peaceful human boy whose best friend was Dawn.
- Was sent to Jamaa [insert other corrupt world name here] with Dawn. They lost their memories of their lives before, and they were in a traumatizing situation.
- Soulless goes inside Fierdan's head and is a kind of "guide" to Fierdan. Soulless stays with Fierdan throughout his childhood and grows up with him.
- Soulless "guides" Fierdan into teaching him about his father. Fierdan grows up learning violence, and he learns to hate everybody.
- Soulless would say manipulative things to Fierdan, and would cause him severe pain throughout his body if he didn't do what Soulless told him to.
- In this way, Soulless forcefully made Fierdan grow up to become the teen/adult of blood, fire, and death. So Fierdan killed people because he hated his father so much (he learned to hate his father because of Soulless using cruel methods onto him) that he didn't want anyone to live a happy and appreciative life.
- Eventually, his father checks on him in the world project. Fierdan ends up killing him.
- Even though that's what Soulless ultimately wanted after so many years (for Fierdan to put the ultimate revenge of death onto his father), it doesn't end there. Hopefully in the next chapter, it'll come to a point when Fierdan talks about how Soulless wanted him to kill Dawn. This is after his father is dead. So is Soulless wanting Fierdan to still kill people? Is he obsessed with killing and death now? So many questions.
- So basically, Fierdan was abused by Soulless ever since he was a little kid, he learned to hate his father and to kill people and if not he would get punished painfully, and he killed his father.
- That's pretty messed up.
- And now, Fierdan is working on exterminating Soulless. Fierdan now is full of regret and despair. Because of what Soulless made him do. Hopefully, I'll get into this in the next chapter. Fierdan hates himself and his life, and the decisions he makes haunt him every day. He feels like he deserves to be hurt by Soulless because of what he did. And there's his Death Talk which is basically like "I want to die lol I hate myself I need to kill me but I can't lol".

Like ok guys. I don't know. Fierdan was taught to kill and be violent with people since a young age by an abusive person. Fierdan killed people, including his father. And I want him to end up being a good guy who gets help for his troubled mental state and past.

Is that okay? I don't know, ugh, I'm sorry.

To kill people makes him scum. I get that. But I don't want him to always be scum. I want him to get better..? To become a better person. You know?

Basically, this is what I'm trying to say. I hope I'm not being toxic for writing it like this.

;; yeah.

Now onto real life bad things. What, you thought I only felt bad because of the story? Oh gosh no.

Well, here goes.

Last week, I said it was hell week. However, might as well call this week hell because it's another bad week.

I'm sick now. I feel horrible. I've been way too tired lately.

I can't be tired. I have so much work to do. I'm stressing out.

I have to work on my project. My body isn't letting me. I'm lying in my bed typing this all out. I'm so tired. I slept so much yesterday.

Regret, regret, regret. I regret my decisions. I shouldn't have done that. I hate myself.

I also have to study for a test tomorrow. Ugh, I feel gross.

And I'm still terrified for my birthday. Now I have another reason to. It makes me feel sick.

I don't know if I can do this. I'm basically burning right now. My skin feels bad. My body feels bad. Ugh why life.

Oh and this too. I hate how I'm too anxious, tired, and unmotivated to find myself a job. Everyone else in my grade probably has one. But I don't. I'm too scared. Life terrifies me. My family used to hate me for not getting a job, but now they don't talk about that as much. Now it's just about college stuff. Which, by the way, is just as terrifying to me. Maybe even more terrifying than getting a job.

When it comes to my driver's test, getting a job, and applying to colleges, I feel like nobody irl actually gets it. I know I'm being irrational. I know it's stupid for me to be this way. I'm a stubborn piece of crap who gave up on caring and trying. But, damn it, I'm still very freaking scared about this stuff.

Haha. Anxiety. Sure is fun. Ruining your life. Sure is fun. Being terrified of life. Sure is fun. :-)

How can I live like this? Not knowing anything about my future, being tired so often, not caring about myself, being scared of new things..? I can't live like this. But this is how I am.

I feel like I can't relate to anyone. Except this one person. Haha, that one.

Hearing stories in school makes me hate certain people. Some people are so gross.

Freaking humanity.

Damn it.

lol hey suffering is fun

Hey there. I bet you weren't expecting that. Neither was I. But I did it. There's a new chapter.

I typed it in two hours instead of four. That's why it's so short. Lmao.

Uh...........

This was a bad idea. I shouldn't have done this. :'/

I'm tired lmao. School makes me feel pain when I wake up. Haha, I love suffering. It's so much fun.

Oh and the first week of May is over. Hell week has ended.

Ah yeet! :0

Now I can peacefully panic every day till my birthday without big exams getting in my way. :')

Aaaahhh!!!

I visited a college on Sunday. Lol what a concept. Cutepups at college. That concept is a cryptid.

It wasn't that bad though. It made me feel like I have hope for my future.

Lmao, boy you thought. XD

Prom is on Friday. Am I going? No, I'm a cryptid who doesn't do that. Heck no lol.

Cutepups, you're a loser. :/

Ok me.

My birthday is in two weeks. Oh heck.

~~~~~~~~~

Me: Anyone say time to scream about my cursed story I post on here? ;)
Viewers: Oh god. Please no. No, no, no! >:0
Me: The Office.. mm nice.
Viewers: *holding up giant clock* It's time to stop!
Me: That's Filthy Frank, right? Like, uh, that's his name? That guy? That fellow?
Viewers: >:/ >:/ >:/ >:/ >:/ >:/

Lol what. So anyway, I'm here to ramble on about Chapter 74 and afterwards.

Ok so yeah. Turn away if you didn't read it already.

Now I'm assuming that everyone's back and ready to fight me.

Fun! Suffering is fun! Fun!

So.. Chapter 74.. I refer to it as the last chapter.

Chapters 75 and 76 are going to be so painful. Whew, it's happening. It's happening, guys.

Chapter 74 is the last boring chapter. Finally lmao. The pain is coming up.

Yes, oh yes! Pain and suffering! Angst in POVs! Explanations! It's so close! Aaaahhh!!!

Well, we finally learn Sparkle's motive. She thinks that getting Duke will make him not be Fierdan anymore. But that's not true. It's too late to save him.

Duke.. wow, so edgy. The edgiest. Like a knife.

In Chapter 74, Duke was the one being creepy and bloody. Fierdan was usually the guy who did that thing.

Psst, the ending of Risak's POV. It's Soulless. That freaking demon.

Oh lol. Soulless is starting to overtake Duke. Soulless is showing itself through Duke. Oh heck.

For the next several chapters, Duke is being effed up. He gets angry, oh gosh that boy and his rage. Oh geez, it's Soulless again.

Meanwhile there's Fierdan. And like. The irony. Omg lmao.

While Duke is yelling, being covered in blood in Risak's fantasies of foreshadowing, and being all like "I'm here lol fight me", I want you all to acknowledge Fierdan.

Fierdan's POV in Chapter 74. Omg my boy. :'D

Fauna's POVs being so long with Fierdan being so mysterious, and then in his POV there he is with a short POV and being a cutie.

Hhhngfgh. ;^;

I was originally planning on making Fierdan's POV much longer in Chapter 74, but I got way too tired and lazy. It'll probably fit in better in the next chapter, anyways.

Fierdan and Fauna deep talks begin again in Chapter 75.

The beginning of his POV in Chapter 74 was him trying but failing to start a conversation about certain things.

And like. He doesn't know what "small talk" means. Come on, Fauna, what do you expect from him? That he knows how to talk with other actual people? Geez, he's a socially awkward wreck right now.

Next time on Fierdan and Fauna deep talks: Fierdan talks about Soulless, past traumas, his effed up mental state, death wish, and Soulless some more.

Suffering sure is fun! :))

My poor boys. ;^;

And then there's that theme of: "If someone tried to kill you, would you kill them in order to protect yourself?"

Ah, what an emotional ride.

In Chapter 74, Fierdan and Fauna are just sitting and hanging out with Night Crow. He introduced Night to Fauna, put him in her paw, and then she's like "Night Crow, huh?" and Fierdan is like "Yeah, I just said that?" lol.

That POV was pure. So pure. Hhhngfgh.

In the scenes with Fauna and Fierdan being awkward, informative, calming messes, there's Duke getting screwed over. Lmao.

Ok lol. Moving on now.

Ardere deserves better. Geez, he's always caught between fighting. Stop arguing, Duke and Dawn. Just care for your little wolf bro. Be happy like him. Be like Ardere.

And the end of Duke's POV. That ending though.

It's happening omg. Oh heck boy!

Taurel is here. Oh crap, oh crap. And he stares at Ardere and just says hello like a creep.

Then Duke reveals to Taurel that he's here. Like omg why. Damn it, Duke. Just, you stop that.

And what Duke says as the last line. Wow, he loves being irrational. He's there irrationally saying a lowkey threat to Taurel. Ominous words. Duke, you creepy boy.

"I'm sick of hiding. It's about time we finished this game."

Omg why Duke. Just why. Can you please not.

That sounds ominous. Duke said, "this game", but what does he mean? Probably a hunter game. Cat and mouse. The hunter and the hunted. Who is who? Hmm.

And then there's Twinkle's POV. The mysterious and suspicious new character has appeared. Who is called Jinx. Is that his real name? Who knows. Is he a good guy or a bad guy? Who knows.

Mysterious and suspicious dude. Jinx. Jin X. Jin. Jinx. I don't know how to feel about him yet.

And at the end of Twinkle's POV, she's like, "If anyone screws up, I'll kill them." Damn girl, what happened to you?

That's basically Chapter 74 lol. Hopefully, I'll be able to type Chapter 75 this weekend.

Chapter 75: The Chapter part one.

Wow lol.

Um.. pain.

Bye. :-)

Twinkle's Story: Chapter 74

*Short chapter, but at least it's something. The next chapter will be longer.*

RISAK

We have been walking for so long. I see Taurel, our One-Pawed Savior, up ahead. To my left is Sparkle, and to my right is the wolf.

It's as if Taurel never gets tired. "Hurry up, we're almost there," I hear him say.

Just continue walking forward. Focus on the backpack he's wearing. We just have to focus. That's it. Focus...

I lose my train of thought when I hear someone stumble. Swinging my head to the left, I watch Sparkle trying to regain her balance.

"Ugh, this is gross!" she exclaims as she cleans off the mud from her feet.

Taurel turns around to face us. "We're almost there. Do you really have to complain now?"

He glares at Sparkle, and she takes a few steps back. I must have been staring at her because she motions with her paw for me to follow her. With a sigh, I also take a few steps back.

When we're a few yards behind Taurel and the wolf, Sparkle faces me. She grins; I bite my lip.

"Risak, I've been wondering," she says while twisting a strand of her hair around a finger. "Do you think that I'm doing the right thing?"

The question surprises me.

 Of course she's doing the right thing. Of course we are. Why would she even ask?

Her arm falls down at her side. The strand of hair she was twisting around her finger falls in front of her face. I focus on that strand of red-pink hair in the center of her face. It's as if her face is divided into two.

"Of course, you're doing the right thing. We'll become heroes for what we're doing," I tell her.

She nods her head. That strand of hair doesn't move.

"Do you want to know the truth?" she asks.

I am confused. What does she mean? "The truth?"

"I've been doing this because I believe. I believe that when we get our paws on Duke, I can save him."

"Save him?" I ask.

Sparkle nods again. "Yes. When we have Duke, I'm going to make sure that he doesn't do anything bad. You see, Risak, the only reason I'm doing all this is because I want to prevent Duke from turning into the monster that you and Taurel say he is. I'm going to save him by making things right again. I have waited long enough. It's time to right the wrong."

Her hair flows behind her as she catches up with Taurel. I follow her, my thoughts racing.

I suddenly stop as I remember a thought that flashed in my mind. It was only from an hour or two ago.

The first thing I noticed were the eyes. One second, they were completely black. The next second, they were completely white. When they turned black again, I saw a little red in them. When they turned white again, I found out what the red was. He had drops of blood speckled in his eyes.

The next thing I noticed was the rest of his face. He was smirking at me. Blood was pouring out of his mouth. It was dripping down his chin and the front of his neck. 

Then he held up his right arm. Multiple trails of blood were twisting around the arm. However, the blood wasn't bothering him. 

He walked toward me. The look in his face terrified me. 

The last thing I remember is him saying, "I am the Duke Fierdan. Do not underestimate us."

It's just a thought. It wouldn't make sense for Duke to say "us" instead of "me", right?

I shake my head. "I'm sorry, but it's too late. Things won't ever be like how they were before."

I put a paw on her shoulder. "Duke can't be saved."

That's why I have to kill him.

I suddenly hear cruel laughter.

"Kill him? What part of "do not underestimate" do you not understand? If you want to kill Duke, you will have to kill me as well. Unfortunately, I am not ready to die."

ARDERE

We finally began on our journey to central fox territory. I feel like I'm the only one excited about it.

"Hey Duke, we're finally going. Aren't you excited?" I say with a smile on my face.

"Yeah, this is so exciting. I'm having so much fun," Duke says and rolls his eyes.

"We're gonna kill so many phantoms. We'll be there to save the day," I say enthusiastically.

I sigh as I look at Duke and Dawn. They definitely don't look happy.

"What happened?" I ask them.

"Shut up, Ardere. You don't have to know everything that happens between Duke and me," Dawn says.

Duke sighs. "Oh, there you go again. Shut the hell up, Dawn. You have no right to treat Ardere like poop."

He stomps his foot and passes Dawn and me. His body is slightly twitching. Is it anger, or is there another emotion underneath?

"I'm gonna kill every last one of them," I hear Duke growl. "Every last one."

TWINKLE

"You liar! You told me that they were okay. This doesn't look okay, Duke!"

How much time did I spend just looking at the rubble? How long was I sad, and how long was I mad? 

It must have been a while because I suddenly hear a voice.

"What are you doing out here?"

I turn around and gasp at the guy who spoke to me. He surprised me.

"Why are you outside of the shelters? It's not safe out here."

I glare at him. "I'm fine on my own, thanks."

He walks closer. "Your parents are probably in one of the shelters. I can bring you there if you'd like. You look like you're not from around here."

"I live here," I sigh.

He smiles as I frown. "Oh, I'm sorry. I just haven't seen you before."

I arch an eyebrow. "And I never saw you before."

This guy is suspicious. He has short and spiky hair. It's silver. What guy has silver hair? He also has light gray eyes. On his eyelids, are tiny tattoos. He has more under his eyes. 

"I monitor one of the shelters. With so many phantoms roaming around, it's not safe for citizens to go outside the shelters."

"I can protect myself, but thanks for the offer. You should go."

He stares at me as he says, "I'm not going anywhere. Come on, I can bring you to your parents."

"Why are you outside? Did you hear me?" I ask.

He hesitates for a moment before nodding his head.

I sigh and allow him to lead me to one of the shelters.

We aren't there yet when he turns around to face me.

"People call me Jinx, by the way. Phantoms won't be able to hurt me."

I take out the blue sword from inside my jacket. "I'm Twinkle, and phantoms won't be able to hurt me either."

I smile as he looks at the blue blade.

A few minutes later, he shakes his head. I put the sword back inside the jacket.

"We're here," Jinx announces.

"I don't see anything," I reply.

"Just follow me, Twinkle."

"Okay," I say while gripping the sword inside my jacket. "Let's go."

If he does one thing out of line, then I'll kill him. Whether that guy is a stranger like Jinx, or a former lover like Duke. One step out of line, and they're dead.

FIERDAN

"Do you believe in parallel worlds? Or how about the multiple realities theory?"

Fauna sighs as she holds Night Crow in her paw.

"This is how you do small talk? Really?"

I start to get off the couch when Fauna tells me to sit back down again.

"Oh, what's small talk?" I ask trying to sound as genuinely curious as I can.

"Never mind," Fauna replies. "So this guy's Night Crow, huh?"

I already introduced him to you. Why are you asking again?

"Uh... yeah. The black bird in your right paw is called Night Crow."

Then Fauna laughs. I don't know what is so funny.

I lean back and close my eyes. "I made him. He used to just be a pile of black goop that I shaped into a bird. I made it come to life. I created Night Crow."

"So you used magic to create other living things, huh? That's interesting," Fauna says.

I shrug. "Interesting, huh?"

Another awkward silence follows.

DUKE

Why can't I stop twitching? Pull it together, dude. It's not Soulless. You're just upset because you were arguing with Dawn before.

Suddenly, I stop walking.

I look behind me. I only see Dawn.

"Hey! Where's Ardere?"

She rolls her eyes. "He's so excited that he went ahead of you. Pay attention some time, Duke."

I look at the ground and kick some pebbles.

"Do you hear that?" I ask, lowering my voice.

"Hear what? There's nothing here."

Freaking Fennie can't hear. Great, I'm going crazy again.

"Stay over here, Dawn. I'm gonna take a look up ahead."

She gives me a blank stare. I roll my eyes. "There's something going on, and I'm going to find out what it is."

"Have fun," she replies right before I begin running after Ardere.

I hide behind a tree when it happens.

There's this guy crouching a short distance away from Ardere. He's at eye level with Ardere.

"Hello," is the only word I hear him say.

I breathe a sigh of relief as I watch Ardere run back towards Dawn.

Then I step away from the tree.

That guy must be Taurel.

"I'm sick of hiding. It's about time we finished this game."

1000 posts

Hello there.

This is the 1000th post on here. That's a lot of posts.

This post isn't anything special though, haha. It's just something short and boring.

That "Character Phases" post? That one was long. Haha yeah.

I didn't know what to title the previous post. "Fierdan is here".. wow, what a title.

I think about Fierdan a lot. I hate myself lol.

One hour I could be loving him, and the next I could be hating him. Like.. I don't know how to feel.

Same with Duke. Especially my fave, Demon Duke.

They've both done downright awful things. They're definitely not heroes. But they're not exactly the villains.

Yeah.. I don't know. 

If anyone's curious, Demon Duke will probably appear in the second half of the 70s arc. But definitely in the 80s arc.

Ugh, life is annoying. I'm going to be busy in the morning and early afternoon for today and tomorrow.

I want to post Chapter 74, but I don't have time to. It's so hard to find enough free time these days. Actual free time.

And next weekend is Mother's Day. Then not too long after that, it'll be my birthday.

Stressed over a bunch of things. Stressed right now. May is the month of stress.

Like honestly, I've been making posts about my characters as a distraction from things going on irl.

I'm so scared. Nothing's helping. People who got anxious failed. I'm going to be anxious.

I have to get a good score today. I have to this time.

I'm so tired of everything. Well, except typing about my characters. Haha yeah. But even I get annoyed about that sometimes.

I know I've been only typing about Duke and Fierdan lately, but I've been thinking a lot about Twinkle and her POV for the next few chapters too.

There's going to be a new character in her POV in Chapter 74. Exciting, huh.

The chapters are finally gonna be good. I can't stop thinking about them. Heck yeah, future chapter events.

Haha, it's like the story is the only thing that I'm motivated and passionate about. Everything else? Eh, not really.

I still hate the story though. I've been trying to make it better and not as crappy, but I don't know if it's working. I don't know if I improved my story plot.

But I really hope so.

Well, I just have to get through today. Then the next day, and the next...

Life is tiring. Ugh.

Ok bye.

Fierdan is here

My love. My own fire son.

I like this digital art. I rushed on the legs though. Oh and it took me forever to draw his left eye. I tried my best to make it just like the right eye.

I drew Fierdan today. I love him lol. 

I like how I drew his face. Haha yeah.

I tried drawing what Fierdan looks like after killing Zios. Except he doesn't have his black cloak on. I can't draw hoods up either. 

I drew the mask though. But it's also down.

Fierdan is a bloody-faced punk lol.

My fave. <3 

Character Phases

Hey. Life is tiring. Time to take a break from my real life problems, and post about Twinkle's Story. Yay fun.

But before I go into that, I just want you to know that I am still planning on changing the blog banner and theme. I haven't had the time to choose a picture and do all the edits. Then do all the color changes. It can take quite a few hours for me to do all that. And honestly, I prefer using the same number of hours to type up a chapter on my computer than doing all that stuff. Just saying this because I know the blog is still in its 2016-2017 winter theme. Now that it's spring, I should work on a theme for the warmer months.

Well anyway, some info before the main part of this post begins. It's probably important.

Since I doubt I'll be able to post a chapter this weekend and possibly the next, I want to make sure I have the gists of my story plans already written down and typed up. I don't want to forget any important details in upcoming chapters.

I'll be discussing story events in upcoming chapters. Lots of things happen.

Warnings for the following content: body horror/mutilation, torture, severe violence, murder...

Shiz gets real. Deep shiz.

These spoilers though. So many.

Sorry lmao. I can't keep it all to myself.

Ok so. Let's begin. >:)

~~~~~~

Twinkle:

Up until towards the end of the 50s arc, Twinkle has been the submissive type. She lets people walk all over and screw her over. Her parents blamed her for Fauna's death for over a year, her hair turned permanently blue and she had a tail disability for a little while, she nearly died at least twice. That was all before she and Duke ran off together. Then when they ran away from their homes, Twinkle has to stay with Duke. So here she is stuck with this mentally unstable guy who only gets more and more unstable. She can't go back home because of the promise of a prophecy involving her, Duke, and the mysterious Green Eyes. Twinkle's parents were also apathetic about her death.

And then the Night of the Black Flames happens, which meant Fierdan awoken the connection between him and Duke.

I'll get to them later, but I just want to clarify. Duke and Fierdan are two different characters. They are partly the same person, but they're two different characters. Duke doesn't equal Fierdan, and vice versa. They are different.

So now after the Night of the Black Flames, Duke can use black fire. He has his brain invaded by Soulless and Soulless-possessed Fierdan. This makes Duke even more unstable and have a murderous intent. At one point, he tries to kill Twinkle. And on top of that, Duke is obsessing over the mysterious Green Eyes who becomes known as Dawn.

Due to fear and curiosity, Twinkle stayed with Duke. Was it really love? I don't know.

Then she gets trapped inside this ice castle in a separate reality. She's isolated from everyone and everything. Black Raven keeps her trapped. She sparks a change in Twinkle.

Twinkle leaves with her necklace gone, her tailpiece broken, and with one big thing.

She wants to distance herself away from her past. She hates how weak she was. She hates all the crap she went through.

So when Twinkle comes back, she is met with a panicked Dawn. At this point, Twinkle sees Dawn as being pathetic for worrying about Duke. She's like, "Why should I care about him?" which she wouldn't have been like if she hadn't been trapped and isolated for so long.

Fast forward to when Duke and Twinkle meet again. She just gives him the cold shoulder. Then she kinda breaks up with him.

Then after training with Dawn, Twinkle becomes more trained in the abilities of the fire Elemental Power than Duke. She beats his ass, that's basically it lol.

And during this time, Twinkle isn't afraid to punch and slap Duke in the face. She insults him a few times without remorse.

All of this is because she's trying to confirm with herself that she's a different person now. She's no longer weak.

Twinkle does the ultimate action of cutting her hair short (think of it like a pixie cut) and leaving to central territory before anyone else.

She cut her hair to distance herself from her past self. She left them behind to prove that she has strength.

So Twinkle is away from them when all the shiz gets down. Which will cause her to fall apart.

But when she's in central territory and sees all the chaos, she is led to the safety shelters. Since, well, all the survivors are afraid of the phantoms.

In the beginning of the story, Twinkle nearly died by phantoms. But at this point, she brings hope back to the survivors- including her parents- by going out all on her own to slaughter a large number of phantoms. Instead of being the victim, she's the killer of the phantoms this time.

At the very end, Twinkle is the last one standing. Which is why it's called Twinkle's Story. She is witness to her friends and enemies dying. But she continues to live on.

Fierdan/Danny:

There are five different versions of him. Different personalities in other words. I don't have much time left, so I'm going to briefly go through him and go on to Duke.

Pre-Fierdan Danny: The human child version of Fierdan. He hasn't renamed himself as Fierdan ("Fear Dan") yet, obviously. This version of him is the most gentle and weak side of him. He doesn't get angry and question things that are important in his life. Like, oh I don't know, how his father forced Ryen to work on the Jamaa project, how Zios would do cruel things to Dawn, how Danny never had a mother because she left the family soon after he was born and Zios caused her to die as punishment for cheating on him resulting in Dawn's existence. Danny is seen as pathetic and weak by his father. It's as if he's worth nothing. Pre-Fierdan is the peaceful one who wouldn't hurt anyone and anything. He also loves flowers and writing. He's such a cinnamon roll, okay.

Child Fierdan: This is the version of Fierdan before he turns into a heartless killer. Child Fierdan gets abused by Soulless who constantly tells him to hate and take revenge on his father. This is the phase that starts the times when Soulless would abuse Fierdan physically and mentally. This manipulates Fierdan on to the third phase.

Adult Fierdan 1: In this phase, Soulless has become part of Fierdan. Soulless controls Fierdan's actions. For example, if Fierdan doesn't kill someone, he would get physically punished (very painful lol). Soulless just wants Fierdan to be a killer. Fierdan has been manipulated and abused for so many years now. He hates everyone and is disconnected from the world. Everyone seems happy, which he is not. They think his father was a hero. They haven't been through all the years of pain that he went through. Fierdan hates everyone and wants to kill everyone. But most of all, he wants to kill his father. Violently. Which he does. Basically, this is the version of Fierdan where he's seen as a psychopathic serial killer. At one point, Soulless forces Fierdan to try and kill Dawn, but it ends with Dawn killing him instead. Much pain indeed.

Adult Fierdan 2: This version of Fierdan is the one seen in Fauna's POV in Chapters 72 and 73. He's working on defeating Soulless once and for all. And he needs Fauna's help in order to do that. Without being controlled by Soulless, Fierdan can be free to be himself. But of course, he's damaged. He's not peaceful and naive like in the first phase. He won't ever be that way again. So at this phase, Fierdan becomes more of a protagonist/good guy.

Post-Fierdan Danny: This is the older version of human Fierdan. It takes him a while, but he eventually throws the name, Fierdan, behind him and never uses it again. This version of him is most like the first, I guess. Soulless is gone. But unlike the first, Danny isn't as weak. He says what's on his mind, and he no longer lives hidden and in fear. In this phase, Danny gets breakdowns a lot from the memories of his Fierdan identity. It's all trauma. Issues regarding his sanity and mental state are finally brought up and addressed. But this time, it isn't violence. It's despair.

Before I finish this post with Duke, I want to discuss their relationship. Ok so. Fierdan and Duke don't exactly have the best relationship. Pain both ways.

Duke:

Just like how Fierdan/Danny has phases, so does Duke. Instead of five, there are three.

The first one is before the Night of the Black Flames. In this phase, Duke knows nothing about Fierdan and his cursed identity. He tries to live a normal life. In school, that works well. He's seen as a quiet kid who hangs out with the popular kids because of his looks. But he got detention a lot lol. Gotta have that ongoing destructive nature. In this phase, Duke has brown hair and only the tips are dark brown/black.

From the 60s arc which is obviously after the Night of the Black Flames, comes the second Duke phase. This is when Duke's hair has grown out and turned completely dark brown/black like Fierdan's. I'm in a rush, so onto phase three.

The last phase is the Duke transformation. That is the spoiler look. Spoilers below lol fun.

Phase 3: Demon Duke.

A lot of crap happens that leads up to Duke turning to this phase. Okay, a lot of terrible shiz.

In this final version of Duke, all the information comes out. His real identity, what he's made of, stuff like that. It relates to Fierdan of course.

Duke finds out why Fierdan did magic to create a fusion of himself and Soulless. Duke finds out why he's called Duke, the Duke Fierdan. DUKE stands for something. Duke is a pet name, and Duke is Fierdan's creation. So, in a sick way, Duke is like Fierdan's pet. Oh and Fierdan allowed Duke to go through so much pain.

After The Chapter when _______ dies and Duke is captured is when the third phase starts.

Duke is already effed up at this point. He just witnessed his friend's death. He got captured and taken away in the middle of a breakdown.

Dawn is helpless at this point. Ardere is gone. Twinkle is gone.

So then Duke is in the Tall Tower with Risak and Taurel. Taurel trusted Risak on torturing Duke for being "the physically living Fierdan", but Risak betrays Taurel.

Risak tries to kill Duke. He shoots bullets from a gun (pistol) at Duke. He shoots Duke in the head a few times. Duke doesn't die. Soulless won't let Duke die.

Duke isn't a regular person. Ok lol.

Since someone tried to kill him, Duke transforms into the demon phase. In other words, sinister Duke. Brutal Duke.

Adult Fierdan 1 and Demon Duke are kind of the same. Most violent versions.

Duke fights Risak. His eyes turn black, he becomes so powerful that he can break out of the chains. Most black flames. Extreme amount of black fire. His hair, now black, turns into black flames. It's like his body is black fire.

It's Duke taking revenge on Risak for trying to execute him. And since black flames are deadly if touched, Risak eventually dies.

This causes Taurel to be angry and more brutal to Duke.

Since Taurel knows that Duke's hair can turn into black fire, Taurel gets rid of it. He cuts Duke's hair and shaves his head. There are mysterious markings on Duke's head.

One of Duke's eyes stays completely black. That's his physical look.

But he's called Demon Duke for a reason. He is brutal and violent.

But before Duke and Taurel fight, Taurel tortures Duke for a few days.

Torture. Lots of pain. Haha yeah. Woo.

Taurel does this because he wants to inflict pain on Fierdan. Duke also has phantom blood, and Taurel is very interested in Duke's blood. As well as certain body parts. Duke gets mutilated lol.

After a few days, Duke is done. Ok he's done. Taurel killed his friend, Taurel tortured him, Taurel broke Duke. If they're humans, Duke lost his humanity. He's like a demon at this point.

I won't say what the torturing consists of. Let it be a surprise.

Taurel makes Duke bleed a lot, and he collects the blood. Taurel being the messed up guy that he is, decides to taste his blood. And he is obsessed with it.

When Duke has his revenge on Taurel, he takes his turn. Duke makes Taurel bleed. He bites him, taking parts of Taurel's skin with him. Duke tastes a lot of Taurel's blood.

Duke's like, "f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you" lol.

Believe it or not, but that was all very vague.

*mind blanks out and falls asleep*