bad bad bad

Hi. Let me introduce myself. I'm Cutepups. I also like being called Spirit.

Anyway, I'm an idiot. Nice to meet you. :-)

If you can't tell by my lovely post title, this is a "bad post" which means it's negative.

:^) life sure is great!

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Ok so here's the problem. I like how I'm writing Twinkle's Story (despite it's gross name lol) again, but I don't at the same time. I mean there are some things about it that I've been trying to fix for a while now. But, well, it's confusing and kinda stressful. And then there's the factor of- do I even have enough time to do this?

I don't know. Okay? I don't freaking know anymore. Is anything even worth it? What's the point?

I'm thinking of this plan about why there are "foxes" and humans. Basically, they're not actual foxes. Duh, of course they're not.

It's complicated lol.

I honestly feel a little uncomfortable thinking about it. You guys probably think they're anthropomorphic foxes. Meanwhile I think that too, but probably in a different way than you do.

The other thing that's been bothering me a lot about the story is Fierdan.

Gah, I don't know. Ugh, I'm sorry.

Am I doing a good thing? Or am I just harming people?

I'm trying to make Fierdan a good guy who people can like in that way. But like. Is that okay to do? Because, come on now, he's done some effed up things. Like, uh, really bad things. And here I am saying he's one of my favorite characters. Am I bad for being this way? I don't know.

This is Fierdan basically:

- Was a nice and peaceful human boy whose best friend was Dawn.
- Was sent to Jamaa [insert other corrupt world name here] with Dawn. They lost their memories of their lives before, and they were in a traumatizing situation.
- Soulless goes inside Fierdan's head and is a kind of "guide" to Fierdan. Soulless stays with Fierdan throughout his childhood and grows up with him.
- Soulless "guides" Fierdan into teaching him about his father. Fierdan grows up learning violence, and he learns to hate everybody.
- Soulless would say manipulative things to Fierdan, and would cause him severe pain throughout his body if he didn't do what Soulless told him to.
- In this way, Soulless forcefully made Fierdan grow up to become the teen/adult of blood, fire, and death. So Fierdan killed people because he hated his father so much (he learned to hate his father because of Soulless using cruel methods onto him) that he didn't want anyone to live a happy and appreciative life.
- Eventually, his father checks on him in the world project. Fierdan ends up killing him.
- Even though that's what Soulless ultimately wanted after so many years (for Fierdan to put the ultimate revenge of death onto his father), it doesn't end there. Hopefully in the next chapter, it'll come to a point when Fierdan talks about how Soulless wanted him to kill Dawn. This is after his father is dead. So is Soulless wanting Fierdan to still kill people? Is he obsessed with killing and death now? So many questions.
- So basically, Fierdan was abused by Soulless ever since he was a little kid, he learned to hate his father and to kill people and if not he would get punished painfully, and he killed his father.
- That's pretty messed up.
- And now, Fierdan is working on exterminating Soulless. Fierdan now is full of regret and despair. Because of what Soulless made him do. Hopefully, I'll get into this in the next chapter. Fierdan hates himself and his life, and the decisions he makes haunt him every day. He feels like he deserves to be hurt by Soulless because of what he did. And there's his Death Talk which is basically like "I want to die lol I hate myself I need to kill me but I can't lol".

Like ok guys. I don't know. Fierdan was taught to kill and be violent with people since a young age by an abusive person. Fierdan killed people, including his father. And I want him to end up being a good guy who gets help for his troubled mental state and past.

Is that okay? I don't know, ugh, I'm sorry.

To kill people makes him scum. I get that. But I don't want him to always be scum. I want him to get better..? To become a better person. You know?

Basically, this is what I'm trying to say. I hope I'm not being toxic for writing it like this.

;; yeah.

Now onto real life bad things. What, you thought I only felt bad because of the story? Oh gosh no.

Well, here goes.

Last week, I said it was hell week. However, might as well call this week hell because it's another bad week.

I'm sick now. I feel horrible. I've been way too tired lately.

I can't be tired. I have so much work to do. I'm stressing out.

I have to work on my project. My body isn't letting me. I'm lying in my bed typing this all out. I'm so tired. I slept so much yesterday.

Regret, regret, regret. I regret my decisions. I shouldn't have done that. I hate myself.

I also have to study for a test tomorrow. Ugh, I feel gross.

And I'm still terrified for my birthday. Now I have another reason to. It makes me feel sick.

I don't know if I can do this. I'm basically burning right now. My skin feels bad. My body feels bad. Ugh why life.

Oh and this too. I hate how I'm too anxious, tired, and unmotivated to find myself a job. Everyone else in my grade probably has one. But I don't. I'm too scared. Life terrifies me. My family used to hate me for not getting a job, but now they don't talk about that as much. Now it's just about college stuff. Which, by the way, is just as terrifying to me. Maybe even more terrifying than getting a job.

When it comes to my driver's test, getting a job, and applying to colleges, I feel like nobody irl actually gets it. I know I'm being irrational. I know it's stupid for me to be this way. I'm a stubborn piece of crap who gave up on caring and trying. But, damn it, I'm still very freaking scared about this stuff.

Haha. Anxiety. Sure is fun. Ruining your life. Sure is fun. Being terrified of life. Sure is fun. :-)

How can I live like this? Not knowing anything about my future, being tired so often, not caring about myself, being scared of new things..? I can't live like this. But this is how I am.

I feel like I can't relate to anyone. Except this one person. Haha, that one.

Hearing stories in school makes me hate certain people. Some people are so gross.

Freaking humanity.

Damn it.