disconnection related

Hi. Today has been a day. A long day at that. I'm tired.

Since I kinda got a request to write some poems, here are some short ones about certain things.

They're based on events from today (Thursday) or earlier.

They're all related to a theme of disconnection. Since for quite some time, I find myself feeling disconnected.

Yeah, me, wow. What a fool.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I feel like she hates me.
I mean I admit it, I deserve it.
I've screwed up before.
I'm not the best.
I'm not that great.
I've never been that great
Nor will I be the best.
But I can't help but know that
She hates me .
I made her disappointed in me.
I embarrassed myself in front of her.
She's annoyed with me.
I think it's pretty obvious that
I made people dislike me.
Because of my stupid actions.
Or maybe I'm overthinking again.
Anxiety blows things out of proportion.
Maybe she doesn't hate me.
Maybe it's just my trashy brain.

- - - -

Here's a random fact about me:
I hate how people can just laugh them off.
I hate how people can laugh at their past embarrassing moments from long ago.
I hate how I can't be like them.
How I can't be like most people
Who can just forget things from years ago.
I hate how I can't laugh.
My past embarrassing moments
I can't laugh at them.
It doesn't matter if they're from today or over five years ago
I can't laugh.
I can't turn my embarrassment into a joke.
Even as a coping mechanism.
Embarrassment is more like a trigger.
There never will be comfort from it.
My embarrassing moments aren't jokes to me like they are to other people.
I can't and never will laugh.
Embarrassment isn't good.
It ruined me.
It ruined myself.
It made me who I am today.
That's probably true.
Whenever I do or recall
My embarrassing moments
I don't laugh and forget
I remember forever.
I hate myself for them.
I want to not exist because of them.
But that's not what you can say when you're asked
"What's your most embarrassing moment?"
In the middle of class when everyone is listening to you.
I can't just tell strangers that when I even simply
Think about
"My most embarrassing moment"
I hate myself and want to die.
Because that's what I think when I recall embarrassing memories.
They're not jokes to me.
They're a different form of scars.

- - - -

On the bus or at school
I hear them.
They got over a 1200 their first time.
They're aiming for a 1400 now.
Meanwhile I'm hearing all this
And I'm hoping for a 1150.
How can I not view myself as stupid if everyone is smarter than me?
I can't.

- - - -

I also hear some of them talk about college.
They know where they want to go.
They know where they will apply.
They know what they're interested in majoring in.
They know their GPAs and all those test scores that are required for each school.
They have jobs.
They know what they want in their future.
Meanwhile I can only draw a blank when it comes to thinking about mine.
Because I don't know what I want.
I don't know anything.
I don't even know how I got to live this long.
It's hard to picture yourself in the future if you can't imagine yourself living in the future.

- - - -

"Everyone has been bullied."
I doubt that sentence is true.
Not everyone in the room has been bullied.
Being called a rude nickname one time doesn't equal being bullied.
Not everyone in the room is a victim of bullying.
Some could be but not all.
Some could be bystanders.
Some could be the bullies.
But I doubt that everyone has been bullied.
To call those times in my elementary school days
To call those times bullying
Makes me unsure to this day.
A subtle type of bullying
Bullying isn't only physical.
Bullying isn't just a boy's thing.
Everyone knows that by now.
But why can't people see that not everyone gets bullied?
Because certain people get bullied for a reason.
That reason is they're different from the other kids.
They don't fit in.
They're different.
"It's good to be different!"
Yeah right.
Then you and I must have had two distinct beliefs
Of what it meant
To be different
When growing up.
Because let me say that
Being treated differently
For things I couldn't control
Because of who I was
Wasn't good.
Being bullied for being different
Is never good.
Since everyone can't be a minority
Since everyone can't be different and unrelatable to the rest
Not everyone is a victim of bullying.

- - - -

I feel so disconnected
From my peers
From my family
Even from myself.
I feel like I can't truly relate to anyone irl.
I even feel disconnected from myself.
Seeing my name and face in photos
It feels so distant to me.
That's actually who I am.
That's how people perceive me.
That's what I look like and am refererred to as in other people's minds.
I feel so disconnected.
Most people know nothing about me.
I'm not like most people.
I can't relate to a lot of people when it comes to certain things.
I doubt I'll ever truly relate.
I feel disconnected from the norm and the average.
I feel disconnected from almost everyone and everything.
I want to connect again.
I want to relate to people when it comes to certain things.
But I can't.
Because if I do that
Then that isn't me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Too tired to continue.

Bye.