ramblings rants (bad post op)

Okay hi, I am terrible. I didn't post yesterday because it was a bad day. Today is also a bad day. My birthday was also a not good day.

Know what that means? Skit time!

Me: Hey--
Viewers: No. Stop it.
Me: *laughs like a cryptid*
Viewers: Ugh, stop it. Don't you even start this--
Me: Isn't it ironic that on my birthday, that pleasant period of happiness vanished?
Viewers: Omg why are you like this?
Me: Mood drop, mm right in the feels.
Viewers: You stop that.
Me: *grins like a cryptid*
Viewers: This fool is so bad.
Me: Isn't it ironic that my birthday was a few days ago, but those "i want to die lol" thoughts are back in my dumb brain?
Viewers: Cutepups...
Viewers: *feel the :/ to maximum overdrive*
Me: Mental stability and health. Whom is she?
Me: I am screwed!
Me: Ha, ha, ha!
Viewers: Shut up, Cutepups.
Me: Heck!

..............

How unfortunate. I'm here to ramble and rant and just be a piece of shiz.

Gotta love that attention from strangers. Mm, that sweet validation. I love you all, friends. Yeah, that's right. I've suddenly made you all be my friends. I'm so mean, I know.

: ) !!!!!!! : )

I kinda want to break all my teeth. I won't though. Having teeth is good. I just hate certain teeth of mine. They're crooked. They're not coming in straight, so they're not normal, and we all know that straight is normal. Haha, ha, ha. Haa! *laughs bitterly and sadly*

I'm supposed to wear this thing all the time. But I haven't. Because I hate wearing it. So now I'm getting hated for not wearing it. And why do I have to wear it? Because of my stupid teeth.

Aaaaaaughhh.

I'm screwed for college and the future. Guess I better die before next year. XD 

(Sorry for my awful sarcasm and dark humor even though I'm not funny. I deserve to be hated and shunned by all.)

I'm 17 now. Things are getting real now. Very real. Life is coming. Life sucks. Growing up sucks. Being a human sucks.

Alright, alright. Onto my points.

I'm at that point in the school year where I have to get teacher recommendations for college. But here's the thing. I'm that very shy, untalkative, anxious and apathetic student. I'm pretty sure all of my teachers dislike me for at least two things. I'm not a perfect student. I don't freaking talk. I don't do all my work every time. I made teachers hate me and lose their trust in me. I'm not close with any of them. So I guess you can call me a screw up.

How the hell am I going to get teacher recommendations in these last few weeks of school? I really don't know.

Freaking college. I hate it, I hate it so much. It's just more miserable learning in an environment that will cause more anxiety, and then there's student loans to make life more crappy.

I'm so apathetic towards my future. It's not even funny. It's sad. Better kill me then. Pfft.

And like. I know my family is upset at me for being so uncaring towards my future because they care about me. Even if they yell and threaten me, I know they do it because I'm so stubborn and it is frustrating that I don't care at all.

They care. They're only doing all of this because they care about me. They want me to be successful. It's okay if I don't know what I want. I mean, sure, I have my whole life ahead of me. I get that.

And I'm here feeling so guilty and crappy and everything bad. My dumb brain loved to put that death soundtrack on repeat for so long that by now I find it hard to imagine myself being alive as an adult in college. I see no point in trying. The only thing I care about is blogging. I don't care about my life in real life. It's bad. I know it's bad. They're doing so much for me, but I'm too unmotivated and apathetic to do anything myself.

I wanna die. I don't wanna die. Life sucks. Life is beautiful.

I just want to know reasons why. Why anything is worth it. Why I should have to do things that will make me unhappy in a society where you're forced to do those things. And if you don't do those things, then I guess it's better off being dead.

It's okay. (No, it's not.)

It's not freaking okay. Everything isn't freaking okay. I'm not freaking okay. Okay?

Now for another reason why I'm screwed. Ha, ha, ha.

So here's the thing. The only colleges I've visited for myself and liked are ones where it's highly recommended that freshmen have their own cars on campus, so that they can actually go places.

Unfortunately, here's the thing. I doubt I can actually do that now.

I hate anxiety. I hate depression. I hate symptoms. I hate myself.

I don't have my license now. I said I would, but I don't. I'm a failure.

Having anxiety + being tested when it was raining the hardest = not good ending.

Right now, I hate driving. I'm just. So stupid.

Haha. If I have anxious feelings, how the hell am I gonna pass and get my license?

It was for something I wasn't even that stressed about. It was a stupid thing, and I am a fool.

If I don't get my license next time I take my test, then I'm screwed big time. I don't know how I'll go to those colleges then. If I'm even accepted anywhere, pfft. And then there's that whole big deal about senior parking.

I hate myself so much.

I mean I guess it's okay if I failed. It's not the end of the world.

But I don't care. It feels like it is to me.

I have classmates who always talk about how easy the test was. How damn simple it was.

Both of my siblings passed theirs first time.

I heard from two people who had their birthdays yesterday. They took the driving test of course. They both passed. It wasn't raining yesterday. It only had to rain on Monday. It only had to be raining when I had to take my test.

I feel like crap. Didn't know it was possible for my self-esteem to drop any lower.

Oh, but that's not all. After my test, I had to get my anxiety levels boosted up again because I thought I lost my permit. Which means I can't drive at all, nevertheless schedule for a re-take.

It freaking sucks being miserable for yet another reason and being yelled at. It freaking sucks having to panic for yet another reason.

The permit was moved to inside the visor. Ha, ha, ha.

The dmv is such a bitter and scary place. It really is.

And for school things, I have a test tomorrow. History. Great.. ugh.

I had a surprise test in lal today. Had only one night to study for it. Had to take it since I've already been taught the info. Had to take it on the iPad, which made it even worse.

I had to take a math quiz after school. I thought the info wasn't that hard. But the way it was put on the quiz made it so me and my classmates definitely failed. Bye, bye B. Ha, ha, haa.

: ) : ) : ) : ) : ) screaming.

It was hectic to even get that quiz. Had to do so much to get it. Only to fail it.

Haa. Haa. Ahh.

Oh and I also have a project to do.

Great! :^)

Now for mental health issues. Stuff about that. Kind of.

I read somewhere that out of all the months of the year, people are the happiest and least depressed in July.

Haha, guess that's another reason why I'm a cryptid who can't relate to most people.

In July 2016, I was definitely not the happiest and most depressed that month. July 2015 didn't make me feel that happy either.

I wanted to die so many times last July. Lmao. Those nasty boys. Intrusive thoughts, negative thinking. Nasty.

And yet July is supposed to be the happiest month? Lmao I got issues then.

I mean I do feel dreadful and ugh in the winter months. But like. I felt worse in July 2016 than December 2016.

But then again. December 2015 was also an unhappy month for me.

So. Year-round :/. Fantastic.

Anyway, I've been trying to not think too much and fall back into that toxic and ventful depressive cycle. I've been thinking about the story again, which distracted me from thinking about bad things like I used. But damn, it's so hard to. I'm still tired all the time to some degree, still have body aches sometimes, still am apathetic and not genuinely interested in most things, still thinking about death irrationally, still an anxious wreck, still completely hopeless about my future...

Okay, nothing changed. I thought I was better. That maybe it was all just a phase.

Heh, it probably isn't. Nothing changed, goddamnit.

My sister thinks there's something wrong with me because I don't want to say what I want for my birthday. Pfft, it's complicated.

She was threatening to bring me to a psych hospital. Haha, sound familiar? Heard that one before.

Except, uhm, I'm not at my worst. I've been far worse in the past. And only now do you realize that maybe I have mental health issues?

Only now do any of you (I mean my family lol) say, "hey maybe we should take you to therapy ... I'll phone them and drag you there ... put you on some antidepressants!". When I'm not feeling bad, you say this. Only a few hours later, do the bad feelings come back. Ha, ha, haa.

:)) :(( :/ ////// 

Basically. When I'm at my lowest, you don't say anything about it. When I'm feeling okayish, you talk all about it.

When the doctor said to go in August, you did nothing. Now out of the blue, you bring up the topic of therapy. When I'm not feeling that bad.

Wow. Family. Just wow.

:/ long sigh.

And one last thing. Personal pet peeve of mine.

I don't talk that much. In fact, I rarely do. People are always like, "Why don't you talk?" So I'm gonna explain why.

I hate my voice. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel disconnected from it. Dysphoric? Can that word be used here? Hmm.

In my head, my voice sounds okay. I'm fine with how it sounds in my head.

But of course to other people and in recordings, my voice sounds totally different. I'm perceived totally differently than how I perceive myself.

I sound so high-pitched and in a weird accent (??) when I hear my own voice.

I hate it. I hate how I sound. No one in my family sounds the way that I do.

Ugh, why am I such a cryptid? Why can't I be normal? Ugh.

That's why I don't talk a lot. I know how I sound to other people, and I hate that.

Oh and now they're here. Great. Life is great. I sure do love life.

Ha, ha. Haaaaaa. :))

Bad post. I'm gonna end it.

~heck~