Calliah / C. music playlist

I know this might be an unpopular move, but I did it. Screw it. Lots of songs fit them that I want to organize into a music playlist.

Ahem, hello there. I have returned to post about another new Spotify playlist I made. The characters for this playlist are Calliah and C.

Or should I call it the moms playlist? Eh, eh? ;D

Viewers: *stare at this post with blank expressions*
Me: Ok, ok fine.

*doesn't know how to continue the post- time to insert the link to the playlist*

Calliah / C. music playlist

^^ Yes.

It's called "Books of C." because.. I have my reasons.

....... oh, now you want to know more?

................... fine, fine.

Calliah is Duke's mom. C. is Fierdan's (and Ryen's and Dawn's) mom. "Book" refers to a single character. If the playlist is only for C. (not Calliah), then it would be called "Book of C." but since Calliah is also involved, it's "Books" instead.

Z. is the father of Ryen and Fierdan. Not Dawn- she has a different father.

Anyway, C. and Z. have both written very long, in-depth books. C. wrote a book called "Book of C." and Z. wrote a book called "Book of Z."— each book being something like an autobiography or memoir of certain important events in their lives.

For Z, a large portion of his book is centered around an ambitious goal he has, which he risks anything to achieve (*cough* human lives *cough*). C's book is more complicated. Both parents are extremely complicated characters, but I think C is way harder to understand than Z.

I will say this though: C is a magical human being. She has powers beyond human comprehension. She's somewhat like a goddess.

...... which is ironic because Z likes to believe he's a god, yet he doesn't have any magical/supernatural powers. He never understood what C is capable of.

.............. but they both die. They aren't immortal. We all know how Z dies (Fierdan violently kills him), but how did C die? Oh, you want to know? Huh, huh? Will I tell?

....................... ok fine.

Z ordered for her death. Since Z is pretty much an (unofficial?) leader. Z didn't directly kill her though; he only wanted her dead and planned her death (*laughs awkwardly* ha ha,,).

Anyway...............

The relationships are toxic. Bad relationships. Duke's mom and dad had a toxic relationship. C and Z had a toxic relationship. Lots of fighting, lots of alcohol... heck, they even cause their partner to die.

Don't have a relationship like theirs, folks. Just don't.

To be honest, I have a backstory for Calliah, but I'm hesitant on sharing it. Because.. reasons.

Cursed. Outcast. Different.

She's had it rough.

By the way, the longest Calliah has gone without drinking alcohol is while she's "working with" Taurel and Risak. Back at home, she would drink a lot.

Possible alcoholism in the family? Hmm.. perhaps.

~ Oh, it's Monday. Heck! ~

I want to end this post with pictures, so have these. Yes, enjoy, bye.

C. 

Just kidding, that's it. Bye.

(Un)Loved and (Un)Forgiven

Hi again. I have attempted to do art.

Well, I tried fixing an old art piece.

Will I ever finish a drawing and be satisfied with it? Hmm.. nah. This one still looks like a rough sketch.

So on with it I shall go!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loved and Forgiven 
Loved and Forgiven 

No. Never.

Unloved and Unforgiven 

(“Do you love me?” “No.”)

A son lacking a mother’s love. A mother who can not love her son.

Unlovable! Unlovable! Unlovable! 

The words hit like daggers. Blades tearing the child’s heart to shreds.

Unloved! Unloved! Unloved! 

Yet he remains standing.

Years later:

(“Will you forgive me?” “Never.”)

He was put in hell. Multiple times by multiple people. His mother was the first person to put him in hell.

Abuse. Trauma. Pain. Suffering.

LiesLiesLiesLiesLiesLies

If she thinks he will forgive her for everything —all the torment— she put him in, she is sadly mistaken.

He is UNLOVED.
She is UNFORGIVEN.

That is the story of mother and son. Unloved son; unforgiven mother.

[visible in the drawing]

Young Duke, 4 or 5 years old: Do you love me? 

Calliah: No. 

[not visible but is important]

Calliah, near the end of story 1: Will you forgive me? 

Duke: No, I’ll never forgive you. 

The parallels of cursed son and mother being rejected. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah, the mother-son relationship of Calliah and Duke. 

I missed thinking about them. I missed writing about them.

I definitely have a complicated relationship with myself when it comes to appreciating both of these characters. 

</3 </3 

Lovely Angel Girls

Hi. Here’s another Picrew post.

I can’t find the link to the avatar maker for this one. I looked far for it, but alas, I couldn’t find it.

*sighs* I will have to make do.

I only designed Dawn and Fauna. Because this avatar maker fits them. Not really my other characters.

They’re like angels. Those two. They’re lovely.

I love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dawn 

I think the brown wings suit her. And what’s with the bloody sword/dagger she’s holding? Ah, it’s a mystery. Maybe Fierdan is involved. Oh hmm. Hmm mmmm....... 

-x-x- 

Fauna 

An angel. I like how I designed her. Beautiful girl. Other worldly. 

I also tried to make the backgrounds fit their characters. 

Yeah, I like it. :) 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There’s nothing else to say. 

There’s nothing left. 

I’m trying. 

Please believe me when I say I tried. 

beep boop me

hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi

no more dream explanations. shan can’t keep up. so many intense dreams. shan is tired.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

beep boop

me. 

aro rights!! 

it’s me. with a birb. yes.

Picrew link: https://picrew.me/image_maker/273652

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

good/bye

List of my Recent Dreams

Well then. There sure is anxiety and chaos in the world right now. A lot happened. 

Yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day. The only things that made it feel like it were that I wore a blue-green shirt and had corn beef and cabbage for dinner. But other than that? Not really. 

The parades in the cities and pretty much everywhere else were canceled. All restaurants and bars are closed. 

Ah. Covid-19. This freaking virus... :( 

I also went back to my college campus yesterday. I went up to my dorm and took more things home with me. 

I still have some things in my dorm. I have to get them soon. 

I only have online classes for the rest of the semester. Everyone in my university (well, those who live on campus) have to move out and vacate their rooms (dorms or suites) soon. 

Dang, things escalated quickly. 

I already miss my college friends. I’m going to miss my senior college friends. Not being able to say a proper, in-person goodbye to them... It’s sad; it’s a little heartbreaking. :’( 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But on a sillier note, I’m going to list my recent dreams. I’m only going to be vague/general in this post, but I’ll try to remember to make a post where I go into more detail. 

These dreams were so ridiculous. XD 

Enjoy!~ 

(These aren’t in any order of occurrence.)

1. The part in my dream that featured a 3-step tutorial on how to turn a pencil into a paper clip. Yeah, so that happened.

2. The dream where an anime character (a teenage girl) became a real person and lived in my house. She was very intimidating. 

3. The dream where I went to a movie theater to see live-action Mulan. In this dream, the movie was terrible. No dragon (I think Mushu is his name..?) and the movie ended before Mulan started to dress up as a man to join the army... and basically the whole plot of the movie never happened. It upset me. 

4. The dream that was about having tickets to a Lorde concert. I think I saw Lorde in concert two times in this dream. The weirdest part had to be how the concerts were in a college lecture hall. Oh and in this dream, Lorde also told everyone to silence their phones or else she would collect everyone’s phones until the concert ended. She collected a lot of phones, including my mom’s. Singer/Teacher Lorde. What a strange concept. 

The mind can conjure such wonderful things! XD 

I just had to share all of this with you guys. :’D 

And I’m very tired. I hope you’re all taking care of yourselves and staying safe. 

*sends platonic virtual hugs* 

Until the next post... Bye. 

hi pi + purring cat

Hi, I have returned. I’ve been home for the past few days. Hope you’re all doing well. And okay. And safe. Uh yes.

It’s still March 14th in my time zone.

3/14. 3.14

Pi Day. Yes.

*is nerdy* lol

..... *spends 10+ minutes looking through my Blogger pictures looking for a picture that I can't find*

Anyway. Guess what happened the other day?

I found my (other) cat purring! He rarely ever purrs! He’s usually a grumpy boy. He is capable of purring! Ahh, how wonderful!! :D

(I doubt these will show up as videos, but at least they will show up as pictures. At least that’s what I expect.)

If these actually show up as videos, I’ll be so happy. He’s purring.. quietly, I guess. I knew he was purring; Thelma wasn’t close by. 

Just in case the videos really work, I recommend raising the volume on the device you’re viewing this post on or wearing earbuds/headphones in order to hear him purring. 

Mr. Zo’s purrs. Aww, my heart! <3 ;w; 

!!!!!!!!!!

He’s a good boy. :’) 

........... ok-

I’m going to check one more time for that old Blogger picture I want to randomly insert into this post. 

-_-_-_-_-_- 

AJ pi day pie graphic! :3 

Haha yes. Classic. 

Take care. Stay safe. 

I have more posts in mind. 

Bye for now. ^-^

peace, i’m out, yeet

Hi!!

I have another Picrew.

yeah yeah yeah !!!

I only designed Twinkle with it. Why? Because I felt like it.

Picrew picky crew pick rue Picrew

https://picrew.me/image_maker/196270

^^^

Twinkle is like “peace out” lol yeah same 

Her hair colors look saturated to me, but I still like it. It looks more like how I picture her hair. 

And yes. My mood is also “peace, i’m out” lol.. because.......

My spring break “officially” starts at the end of this week. 

but but but !!!

Classes are canceled this week, too! 

why why why ???

Corona. Virus. Coronavirus. Covid-19. 

That thing. You know?? 

So I’m hoping to leave campus tomorrow. And I’m like “peace, i’m out, yeet” like the title of this post says. 

(Someone on my campus might have gotten the virus, so they’re in isolation and there’s gonna be tests to see if they have it. A few other students close to that student also went into isolation. Because of this, classes are canceled.)

So yeah. That happened. 

Got the news late last night. 

I would be in class at this time, but I guess not. No class. Ayy.

I spent the past few days reading and studying a lot for my classes. 

And for what? No in-person classes! 

Online work? idk! idk what’s going on, what’s going to happen! 

well, that’s it. 

peace, i’m out, yeet! 

Past Self / Current Self

Hi, it's time for that Picrew post. Enjoy.

Picrew avatar maker used: https://picrew.me/image_maker/165901

I've been using it so the person on the left is the "past self" and the person on the right is the "current self". Yes, same person. Well, for most of these anyways.

So without further ado, let's start.

I mean me. It's just me.

(Oh gosh, I'm lonely and don't fit in anywhere—)

*cough, cough, cough*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Left: My attempt at designing myself in the early 2010's. Thick, long, curly hair. I think I still had bangs then..? I don't remember. I started wearing glasses.

Right: Me now. Or at least what I wish I looked like. I need a hair cut; my hair is getting longer than I'd like it to be. The hair length my right avatar has is what I'd like. There aren't any hair styles that match my cursed curly hair, so I tried my best. I'm trying to be positive and "recovering" but I'm still an anxious and depressed mess. Oh and I have those permanent dark circles under my eyes. Haha ok me.

Now it's time for the characters! ;D

Left: Twinkle before her hair turned blue. I love how her current self looks nothing like her past self. Dang, she's been through a lot. Her original hair color is like a strawberry blonde. She also used to always wear a blue-gray necklace. So yeah. That's her.

Right: Twinkle with short hair, though her hair is starting to grow longer again. Her original hair color has grown back at some parts of her hair. But other parts of her hair will stay blue. Of course, Twinkle also has dark circles under her eyes at this point. I used the same skin tone, but she looks more pale on the right. Oh god, help her.

Note: I didn't know I could change the color of the pupils until after I designed myself and Twinkle. Because of the eyes I used for the following characters, using black pupils is better for having the eyes appear the specific ways I wanted them to. 

Actually, hold on. lol 

l.o.l.

h.a.h.a.

..........................

Left Twinkle

ok.

Left: Duke at the beginning of the story when he's still pretending that "everything's fine" despite literally nothing at all being fine with him. His hair is short. He looks less cursed/demonic/screwed up. 

Right: Duke after his hair is longer, making him look very similar to Fierdan supposedly. It looks like he is showing off his fangs. Like the freaking monster that he is. Those eyes and eyebrows though. It sure is dark under his eyes. Those chains. Haha. How fun. You're chained together with your conflicted self, edgelord. 

:-) 

Left Duke

Right Duke 

(anthro fox Duke headshot)

heheheheheheeeeee

lol my art lmao

ok—

This time it's two different characters! I call this picture the "Protective Brothers Squad" because reasons. There isn't a "past self" and "current self" here, obviously. They're both adults at their current story ages here. 

Left: Ryen

Right: Fierdan

Protective Brothers Squad

....... to Dawn. 

They're the protective brothers of Dawn. That is the vibe I'm getting from this picture of them. They might feel bitter towards each other (they have quite a complicated brotherly relationship to say the least). But as adults when they both see Dawn again, they both have "protecting Dawn" as one of their goals. 

Protect her from what? I'm not entirely sure. But let me just say that they know some very fucked up shit that happened to Dawn when she was a little kid when she "lived" with them and Z. Ryen and Fierdan know shit that Dawn doesn't. Because she repressed those memories. 

:-}

Chains connecting the problematic brothers. They know a ton of fucked up shit between them. Dark pasts. Dark chains. Yes. 

Left: Dawn when she still "lived" with Z. This is her when she's not with Danny (pre-Fierdan). Miserable. A victim of terrible things. She feels trapped around Z. Z is an evil, evil man. This is the version of Dawn that's permanently stuck in the back of Fierdan's head. Through everything they went through together. Well, as soon as Fierdan regained his pre-Fierdan memories. 

Right: Dawn being much more comfortable in her own skin. Other people wouldn't suspect anything that happened to her in the past. She doesn't cover up nearly her entire body anymore. She's wearing a flower crown to show how happy she is. What a sweetheart! I love her. 

*gives Dawn a hug*

just because

Now it's time for ja boi! 

Left: J___ as a kid. Messy light brown or dirty blond hair. He's a mess. He's a kid with dark circles. This boy just screams chaotic energy. Oh by the way, have I ever mentioned that J___ has ADHD? Because he does. I just felt like saying that now. Uh.. ok.

Right: J___ now. Maybe? Well, when he dyes his hair black with a white streak. He's more happy now. He's winking because why not. He has pierced ears now as well. 

And here are my favorite boys together! In bed.. no, not that. Not that. They're starting to like each other. Danny/Fierdan is blushing so hard, he's probably thinking, "oh god, I'm falling for J___, oh fuck..." lol. J___ is also blushing. Aww, how cute. This is probably when they're watching movies in J___'s room at night. While they lay down next to each other in J___'s bed. (lol that's gay) yes. Seeing Fierdan look genuinely happy and comfortable... omg I love that. J___ is a twisted angel alright. He's Fierdan's true savior. Gosh, I love them together. 

>w< ^w^ <3 <3 

On the topic of FierdanXJ___, have this screenshot from an Episode story. It's the same story with one of the characters looking like Finny. The main character in this Episode story has multiple love interests. He's leading people on. Pfft.

Jasper: You always get my mind running a million miles. 

Dang. This reminds me of J___. First off, their names both start with J. I've considered having J___'s real name be Jasper, but I don't know. Picking names is hard. 

Anyway, Jasper is supposed to be my story's J___. I like him with that hair style and his hair dyed light purple. It fits him. 

And look— He's resting his head on Danny's (Fierdan's) lap. They're lovers! I love them! ;w;

Honestly though. I can totally see how thinking of Fierdan gets J___'s mind racing. Because... it's Fierdan we're talking about. No, I won't explain this. 

aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

hhhhhhhhhhh

mm ok.

bye, bye.

Sparkle music playlist + read more to find out ;)

... it's called pink sparkles. because I'm not creative.

I call it my girly playlist. lol idk

I'm in a funk tonight, kiddos. A bad funk. :c

This week has been very tiring. I'm worn out.

blah blah blah,,,,,,

Oh yeah. The playlist.

Sparkle's music playlist

There it is. ok.

*zones out*

This should help put a "face" to Sparkle. like,, haha,, who is she?

......................... yeah.

*zones out again*

-- wtf—

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I... I guess? I'm back, bitches. 

oh shit—

Ahem, I mean "Mistians"* yeah.. that.

AAAAAAA ASDFGHJKL

WHAT IS THIS 

OMG

Sparkle butt scene

(it's supposed to be that, shh.)

.... wait, what the fuc-

Sparkle in my old RIM skits. 

The face in the second pic—classic.

lol it's Dukle 

me: *thinks of a "straight ship"* *thinks of Dukle*

but they're both not straight. so.. lol 

(.... oh man, I was obsessed with this when I thought I was cishet.)

(i'm not. so, so, so not.)

....... tfw i thought the chapter this scene takes place in was the horniest shit ever. (well, by me. obviously.) lmao

-x-x-x-x-x-

A few times in the past, I've considered redrawing a Dukle kiss scene. Perhaps something like the scene this original drawing was based off of. 

Well, I'll change a lot of things. Like, make them humans. Obviously. Also: Make Duke's hair black. It's clearly supposed to be black at this point *shuns younger Cutepups*. Make their height gap be more obvious. Duke is supposed to be a few inches taller than Twinkle. (he's also short, but don't tell him that. shh). He's taller than me though. So.. eh. 

And let's add some sexual tension to it. ;) 

(...... they're both 17 year olds, with Duke being 18 in a few months. ...... oh wait, he dies. oops.)

........ shut up, me. you know you've pictured this scene going with Duke starting to take his clothes off while Twinkle is zoned out and thinking that Duke is a *my mind combusts as I struggle to find an adjective that fits*. and yes, they are kissing each other. (mm sounds fake but ok).... uh.

TIME TO MOVE ON!

Original Sparkle! There she is!

... bitch.

that time when Calliah just wore a tiara. like, what was the point of that? 

oh oh yeah btw. Duke isn't a ~white boi~ because Calliah isn't fully white (they're both not 100% white. and yes, i'm talking about race. this is a racial issue! keep up!!). 

Duke's dad is white though. Sparkle is white. 

So.. ignore how I kept on implying that Calliah was white in the past. (wait, did I do that?). It doesn't make sense anymore. Because Duke isn't and Sparkle is, and Sparkle is the daughter of Duke's father's sister.

I'm making this hard to read because I can't stand myself. I'm an English major and I'm tired of reading words. I'm sick of it, I tell you! 

*continues typing words*

I'm planning on creating a "Books of C." music playlist soon. which means a playlist for both Calliah and C. sketchy mothers, rise up! *they rise up* screw you.

idk what's going on except I bet Duke is screaming to—

"an empty sky, no way, that's me 'cause one half of my heart is free. empty sky, no way, that's me 'cause the other half of my heart's asleep." (Blasphemy - Tyler Joseph)

Duke, alone in a room: *breathes in, breathes out, screams*

yeah, that totally happened. right? right! 

SHE

*Thelma invades the post*

meowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeow

............... ................ ................. ................. .................

On a serious note:

This post was a weird attempt of me trying to cheer myself up from feeling lonely. 

And if anyone's curious, I did do that. I hinted at Duke and Twinkle in my sonnet for my sonnet-essay assignment. I have mixed feelings about doing that now. 

Oh well! 

also. ahem. I might have once been one. but I'm not anymore. not fully. (???) (idk how to phrase words together) 

I'm not a girl. 

but I keep letting it slide. it's okay, it's okay, it's okay...... 

(it's not.)

Actually, to put it bluntly, I really don't give a fuck. 

I don't, nor ever did, completely relate to girlhood/womanhood/femininity. Like, yeah, I am feminine. I guess. I'd rather be androgynous, but I doubt I can pull that off. Because my body... eww. 

When I hear or read people referring to me as a girl, I honestly take it kind of ironically now. Like yeah, I'm a girl. I... guess? but not in the way that most people think. 

I just can't and don't relate to what it feels like to be cis. Like yeah, I do kinda sorta relate to my agab. but at the same time? this isn't me. 

I'm... nothing. A blank space. 

pronouns pronouns pronouns. cis people learn to respect people's pronouns challenge. (... I'm salty over some things I heard. :/)

My feeling towards "she/her" is just a shrug. Like, ok, whatever, use it, I don't mind. Except if you speak in That Specific Tone of Voice I Hate. I... accept it. I tell people "she/her" yeah yeah yeah. whatever whatever whatever. 

Fuck it. Hi...~

I'm Shan. I'm aroace. I'm a feminine nb person. Technically, I am nonbinary. 

I'm a girl, I'm not a girl, I'm a fucking contradiction. 

And... I'm nothing. 

(not mine)

Keep March-in' On

...... get it? 'cause it's now march. "keep marching on" ... yeah.

Hi! It's a new month!

Ok...

I wanted to finish the chapters I had to read this weekend for my history class. That took a while. I had to read quite a few chapters, and every chapter is at least 15, 20 pages long.

Then before I knew it, February 29th ended.

....... I still have to write a sonnet and essay on my sonnet for another class. *sighs* I have to conquer the beast called iambic pentameter and control it.

Iambic pentameter— *sighs*

Why do I want to write my sonnet about my characters? Why am I like this—

I need a Muse. An object or person of desire. What do I desire? I don't know. I looked at my sonnets I wrote in my poetry class last semester, but they didn't have to be in iambic pentameter, so I didn't write them like that.

I don't think my sonnets about anxiety would suffice for this assignment. I need a Muse. Oh and one of the essay questions is asking if I based my sonnet on any of the ones by Shakespeare (this is for my Shakespeare class btw), so... hmm.......

How about a third-person sonnet where I refer to my characters as "he" or "she" (lol so vague), but I end it with some irony at the couplet. And I write first-person as the end.

Is this too complicated though? I am too obsessed with my characters to think of anything else to write about. Please help.

.......... there's not enough time for y'all to help me. oh heck-

my cursed brain: make your poem be a Dukle one. ;) hehe haha
me: why—
cursed brain: just do it ;)
me: *finds my hands start to write a poem that has Dukle vibes*
cursed brain: lol
me: :']

*Dukle is my ship name for the relationship between Duke and Twinkle in my cursed story 1. I still tend to think about their relationship a lot. Maybe I'm getting poetry ideas because of the metaphors in their characters and relationship. Fire and ice, what a classic.

........................ *clasps hands together* anyway—

I finally got around to changing my Blogger profile picture. I'm not Duke, so why have I been using pictures of Duke? I don't know. Anyway, it's now of a Picrew version of me.

Picrew. What a site. *turns this post into a Picrew post* oh.

I'm using this Picrew picture in my profile now. Because it's cute. I like it.

^w^ ^w^ ^w^ ^w^ ^w^ ^w^ ,,,,, owo

Plot Twist (not really lol): When I was referring to making a post full of pictures, I was referring to making another post about a Picrew avatar thing I used. 

I'll do that later. Now I really should get to writing my sonnet and essay.

hahahahahahahahahaha aaaaaaaaaaaa

~ Shan the mans 

...... I am such a weird writer, huh. 

*sighs* yeah..

ok lol bye