You Are More Than Your Darkness

Hello. <3 

When I was in the car after religious services today, my hell brain created something.

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Character is Ryen. I thought this would fit him. Same could go for Fierdan, but I felt like drawing Ryen would be better.

Disclaimer: There aren't really any religions in the actual story timeline.

This is basically...

Religious related (?? idk lol) + thinking about Ryen and (pre)Fierdan.

(Religious? I don't know?) 

(Why did I create this? Idk lmao. Enjoy.)

(What's this? Something kinda sorta Jewish related? Oh worm?) 

(Lol yeah sure.)

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A new year has started.

Acknowledge your sins.

It's the day of atonement.

Learn from your mistakes.

Become a better person.

Become a better you.

Your past doesn't define who you are today.

You've been living in the dark for far too long.

All you know is darkness as if it's the only thing you've ever known.

It's been way too long, my dear.

I'm sick of seeing you in the darkness.

You deserve to see the light.

You deserve to feel warmth.

You deserve to be forgiven.

You've been in hell ever since you can remember.

I don't care about where you came from or how you were raised.

My dear, you are so much more than what you know.

You are more than your darkness.

He isn't you.

You aren't him.

You aren't your father.

You aren't your brother.

You are yourself.

You and your brother aren't your father.

Both of you aren't him.

You are your own person.

Other people don't define you.

It's not too late for you to turn to the light.

It's not too late for you to be a good person.

It's never too late.

You can be forgiven.

You are loved.

You're worth so much more than being someone's tool.

It's a new year.

You can create yourself anew from the ashes he left you in.

You deserve to live.

You deserve to know what it's like to feel alive.

Maybe the only thing we can do is pray.

Maybe we can only pray that things will get better for us.

Who knows if there's even a God out there.

You are more than your darkness.

Let's go reach for the light together.

You are loved.

You are forgivable.

This isn't only about Ryen and Fierdan.

This is now my message to you and to me.

Life might be hell right now.

Life might have always felt like hell.

You deserve to be alive.

You've been hurting.

We've been hurting for quite some time.

Finding the light in a world of darkness is so hard.

Oh I know, I know.

It's out there somewhere.

Let's go find it.

I'll throw you into the light until you're glowing.

You're worth so much more than your darkness.

Your past doesn't define you.

Toxic people don't define you.

It's a new year, my dear.

Let's try our best to become better versions of ourselves.

It's never too late to transform ourselves into something better.

It's never too late to feel alive.

Live.

Stay alive.

For me, but more importantly, for yourself.

Don't give up on hope.

We will find the light one day.

You and I both will.

I'm sick of being trapped in this darkness.

Let's go into the light.

Throw away the excess darkness.

Embrace the light instead.

The light has always been inside of us.

You and I are worth more than being defined by darkness.

Let's try to define ourselves in the light instead.

But first, let's find the light from inside ourselves.

And break out of the dark.

<3 <3 <3 <3 

Fierdan vent (idk)

So when I was upset, I felt like drawing this scene from Fauna's POV in Chapter 75.

{ Fierdan holds both his paws up at eye-level. Palms facing upward, fingers slightly trembling as if he's trying to grasp something. .... "There will always be blood left on me. It won't go away. .... }

To be honest, I wanted to draw Fierdan angst from this chapter for a while. Just haven't been in the best mood to do that until now. Maybe. I don't know.

Well, it's hands. Drew him as a human. 

So this is basically me drawing Fierdan venting as a vent. XD 

I started it the other day. I don't feel as bad right now. I'm okay. Fierdan isn't.

I wrote all that stuff on the left in a small font because it's supposed to be like Fierdan's vent-like thoughts that are racing in his head. 

Oh and this is supposed to be like Fierdan's POV when it comes to reliving all those messed up bloody and death memories. Oh and abuse by Soulless could be involved here too. 

Bonus points if you can read what the tiny text on the left says. :) 

I messed up the lineart so badly by outlining it in Sharpie. Oops lmao.

The hands are like that because the palms are facing upward. Blood is pouring out from the center of each palm. Colored red all over him to show how blood won't mentally leave him.

Omg that pose is so awkward. My boy, what are you doing? :'D 

Oh and he has his black cloak on. Hehe. :3 

Dang.. that mouth looks hideous. I'm so sorry for drawing your mouth so badly, Fierdan. :(

I'm typing this when it's a little after 1:20 am. Why am I doing this to myself? Wtf Cutepups! 

If this even counts as angst, this is only the beginning. Fierdan angst.. oh heck me up, son. 

Uh.. let's just pretend that his hands are on the same level. Not that one is higher than the other. Yeah..

I colored this in like 5 minutes. Pfft.  

I was too lazy to properly draw him with long hair. So it's short. The black lines toward the bottom of his head are supposed to be some loose longer hairs. At least that's what I think I drew? Uh.. welp.. 

He's crying lmao. What a sad boy in this drawing. XD 

This was supposed to be very sad, but I'm laughing at this now. 

Bad post, Cutepups. Bad post op. 

Shut up, Cutepups. 

Ok bye lmao. 

Songs (mood + story insp)

Gonna link to some YouTube videos.

Songs that are similar to my mood lately and/or story inspiration. 

Brief positivity before all those depressing lyrics: I had a bad headache this morning ever since I woke up, but it's mostly gone now. I didn't take any pain medication either. I finished the first draft of my college app essay. I've been stressing over that for a while now. I don't think mine is as horrible as I thought it would be. It was a little easier to write than my previously recent school essays.

Senior year? Fun? Awesome? Sorry, can't relate. I'm busy having an identity crisis about myself and my future over here. 

Oh and lmao I'm not over this. So a few months ago, I made this post where I typed about this dream I had. To sum it up, it was about me driving to school but always getting late since I kept getting lost. The dream ended with me getting in trouble at school and then later by my parents. And then dream-me had a breakdown and was.. mm.. basically suicidal. 

Yeah uh heh. 

Well damn, that's some foreshadowing right there. 

Because the first time I drove to school, I got in trouble because I screwed up my parking. No, I didn't get lost while driving to school and I wasn't late either. Got in trouble for.. that other reason. And so for the rest of that day, I was on the edge of having an hours long panic attack. Oh and I also really wanted to die too.

Mm, that foreshadowing. Way to go, brain. 

Ok, ok I'm in a rush now..? Ugh fine. I'll make this quick. Onto the songs now.

.... never mind. I'll finish this post later.

Sorry if you get recommended these songs again later, hah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ri6cpYoOh-M 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MHMdv2D7ndc

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AOBPZ5Wuy3A 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0501BTnbrxg 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DHhHUZsXTBk 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uF5QE3-ox4o 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4o0WYiK52Dg

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=R5sFoySvxUI 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NSDDdh2IIpY 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1KkD-X6yoNI

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=R3JQSE6ktD8 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb24RrHIbFk 

Some are more obviously one than the other, and some are for both. I'm not explaining. 

Bye. <3 ,,,, 

--

Part 2: 

Hello again. :} 

So I've been getting anonymous comments that start off being nice and appreciative of my posts and myself. They made me smile... at first.

I'm sick of this. Every time I get my hopes up that I have a nice anon commenter, it shatters when their comments end up being a spam advertisement. They're just spambots. They don't care about me or my posts. Only for their own gain.

Fake happiness. Fake niceness. Fake, fake, fake. I'm so freaking sick of this. Can people like that stop commenting on posts? Especially on that one post I typed several months ago? Please leave me alone. You're not real. You don't care about me. You're not nice. You're not thankful. Nobody cares, huh. 

When my friend actually does leave a comment on a post, the amount of spambots I get commenting doubles or triples. I'm so sick of spambots trying to take over my blog. Eww, go away. 

For real though. If you don't actually have any good intentions with me, then leave me alone. I am already struggling a lot in life right now. I'm so done with this fake love commenting bs. 

I've been making a few posts basically saying that I'm so scared of living and how much I think of dying/not existing. The only thing that makes life manageable right now is thinking of my story. And even that is cursed and another type of personal hell. I can't handle anything. I'm so overwhelmed. It's killing me. I'm literally rotting here. 

And yet.. yet... anonymous comments seem nice and cheerful at first. They even made me happy at first. At first. But then it's just advertising their products or own sites. Or how to get money. 

I don't care about living anymore. I don't care about anything anymore. I.d.g.a.f. I don't even care about getting help. I don't f*cking care about my stupid life. 

Lol haha I could just die. And then some freaking anon would be like, "Hi I learned a lot from your blog. Your content is better than most others I have seen. Here's a link to my T-shirts. Thanks." 

Asdfghjkl;; whyyyyyy. Guess I'm that pathetic lol. Everyone else gave up on me and this crappy blog because of what happened last time. Lol sorry that I really want to die again. XD /////::///:/

Brief positivity: my legs don't hurt a lot anymore. thank god. 

There are some old friends of mine that I haven't communicated to in over a year at least. At least one year ago. But for most, way more time than that. 

I assume the worst. What if they're struggling and I'm not there? They didn't leave because they're bad, it's because I am. I'm bad at staying in touch with people. 

What if some of them are dead? What if some of them are saying bad things about me behind my back? It haunts me because I'll never know the answers. 

I miss people, ugh. :'( 

What if I just continue to make new posts until I freaking die one day? Would more than two people even notice that I would have quit blogging then? 

Gosh idk anymore. 

People used to comment saying how much they loved this blog. People used to tell me I'm loved and that they love me. But oh, where are they now? Not here. 

Thanks for outgrowing me and my blog. Even though I'm older than you. Thanks for making the concept of me a part of your past. Thanks a lot. I'm totally not hurt by that. I'm totally over that. I'm totally not broken by that. I'm totally not ruined by that. I'm fine. 

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. 

NO!!!!! 

I thought you genuinely called me your friend. But what do you do? Leave and ditch this place? Haha ok. By that point, I already said I have trust issues and have close to literally no friends. Did you not understand something I said? Did you forget what you typed and commented? Did you just forget about me? Am I just your cringy past? 

Do I mean nothing to you? 

(*you = people who constantly commented on my blog over a year ago and haven't commented in the past year at least once) 

Would anyone besides my family genuinely care and be affected if I die? If I leave and don't come back? If I become a tragic real life cryptid? 

Am I too much? Am I not enough? How am I both? Too stubborn. Too pathetic. Too much of a complainer. Too addicted to my phone and to my story and my characters. Not doing enough. Not trying hard enough. Not appealing enough. Not good enough. 

It's autumn yet here I am sweating and feeling too warm. My head hurts. My stomach and chest kinda hurt too. 

I'm so dramatic in my posts on here. XD gross eww blegh... 

Another thing that haunts me is that I know that people that repeatedly straight-on or passively hurt me in my younger school days are seen as good and successful people. Nobody but me remembers certain details. Sorry I can't un-forget some things. It could be nearly ten years, but I still have memories. 

Maybe I'm just using those things as excuses for why I'm such an effed up excuse of a person who should be more happy and grateful. 

They don't remember anymore. But I still do. I still do. And it's still tearing me apart and killing me. 

I'm such a cringy person. Such an embarrassment. I know people have let it go, but I can't do that. 

Venting by writing down everything on your mind is supposed to help? How is this helping? I don't feel any better about myself. I still dread being alive nowadays. I'm still figuratively drowning in my own demise. 

The only time venting helps is when I look back at my old vents from over half a year ago. And then I laugh at how stupid all those vents are. And how I'm still living despite it all. 

Even if someone tells me that it's okay to have feelings and that it's going to get better and okay at some point, I'll just start crying out of nowhere. 

Crying.. how embarrassing. Geez Cutepups, you're way too sensitive. Thanks, that's the only stable part of my personality. 

I'm already hated and seen as a burden by a bunch of people. Please don't be another person like that. But also don't lie and bs what you tell me. 

I really do think that everyone who knows me hates me a whole damn lot. And that they think and hope I don't know that.

Yeah heh oops. I'm definitely not looking forward to any day this week. Can't even look forward to the weekend. 

That holiday.. fasting day. Yeah that important thing. Well, shouldn't be that hard since I skip meals a lot as it is already. I don't get that hungry anymore either. So eh. Maybe that's a perk, idk. 

There are no perks. Don't be fooled. 

I really have to cleanse myself of my filthy existence. I have to get rid of these sins. :-) 

~~~~~~~~

xx xx xx 

Bye. 

-

No skit today. Sorry.

I don't feel good now. Like at all.

I could make a long and messy rant/vent, but I don't see the point anymore. 

I hate hot weather. Feeling the sun is kinda painful. Umm lol? 

Ow this hurts. ;; 

That feel when everyone in your school is most likely better than you at something. Doesn't even have to be about academics. It can be about social skills. Or, well, basic tasks. 

I feel so incompetent. People that are years younger than me can do things so much better and easier than I can. 

And it sucks. I hate knowing that I'm not good enough. 

When school returns, my mood just plummets. I'm sorry, hehehhh.

The only thing that made me smile and laugh today was my skit. With my characters. And thinking of my story in general. That whole thing makes me happy. Great distraction from despair indeed.

Know what's awful? Bad dreams. I hate them so much. 

They make me even more scared. Kinda paranoid too. 

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I don't know how longer I can do this.

This. *gestures vaguely* Anything. Continuing. 

I feel guilty knowing that I'm not good at genuinely comforting people. I'm sorry that I keep on hearing that my friends' lives keep on getting bad. I'm sorry, okay.

I hate being alive nowadays too. Okay? I'm sorry that I also want to die but don't have a valid enough reason to. 

I feel so damn self-conscious and nervous inside every day of school so far this year. Especially after day 2. Geez, I really can't stand myself. 

Honestly, I'll be surprised if I'm somehow still here in the next couple months. Here. As in blogging, as in still living.. either one really. 

My purpose is to become a ghost. Ok doc? Ha, haa.

I might make posts about my bad dreams. Might. 

I can't stand myself. I don't know how much longer I can stand myself being the way I am. 

God idk why I'm here. Don't mind me typing out this post of despair. 

I don't feel as much as I used to. But, like, I can still feel things. Weird, huh? 

That horror movie scared them. I wasn't scared at all. Umm.. oh heck? 

I like saying "heck" lol like how it sounds. Ok pfft haha. 

I know there are so many good things in life. Things that I still have. But, ugh, being alive kinda hurts a lot? Oops lol. 

Kinda want to hurt myself sometimes. But I won't, I won't. I'll hurt my characters instead. Ha, haa. 

Lol hey what's up, how you all doing? Everyone I know (irl at least) is better than me and has been disappointed in me. 

Sipping the tea on those facts. Mm slurp. 

For a long time now I've been feeling like I'm actually rotting. Oh heck. Pfft. 

I'm so tired lol. Pain is..... painful. 

Life updates from Cutepups: Life is a struggle, and I can't believe I'm still here and alive. Even though my life is not even close to being absolute crap. Which makes me self-centered and complaining for no reason. Which then makes me hate myself even more. Oh and I also feel very disconnected in my own life and a little bit in my body. So yeah haha, that's me. Mm, gotta slurp that metaphorical tea. :)) :p 

Bye, aaaaahhhhh. : ) 

Bye. 

stop this cutepups

I'm very tired and gross. But I have something stuck in my head that's making me post this now. I'm sorry, everyone. Lmao.

I'm not gonna go to sleep at 3 am this time. Ok gosh. 

So anyways. After I posted that other post from earlier, I..........

I went to this place called Brock Farms. 

And then I was thinking... hmmst...... 

Brock. Brock from my skits has a farm. No, multiple farms. Brock is a farmer. Brock has a thing with plants. Brock lives for plants on his many farms. 

I also have a few skit ideas stuck in my head. Omg dang it, Cutepups, whyyyyy.

Stop this, Cutepups. 

Stop. It. 

:^) :^) :^) hello there children, it's Skit Time !!!!!!!!!!! 

[In Sparkle's room]

Duke: *looks like a fool, paces around room like a fool, is singing but sounds less foolish and edgy*

Duke: Your words are nothing but a song gone wrong.~  

[Sparkle enters her room and finds Duke like this.]

Sparkle: *is bitter* What are you doing in here?!   

Duke: *still pacing around and singing but with eyes closed now* Don't you know who I am? Don't you know where I'm from?~

Sparkle: *is angry* Get out of here, fool! *grabs random pink object and pokes Duke with it* 

Duke: *stops pacing and singing and opens eyes dramatically* Who dares to enter my Isolation Box?

Sparkle: Go to your own room! Stop invading mine!   

Duke: *finally notices Sparkle poking him with a pink plastic sword* Oh wow, I never liked the color pink anyways. 

Sparkle: Pink is my favorite color, you fool! 

Duke: There's too much pink in here. Bye. *leaves room*

[Duke walks in upstairs hallway. Then he is suddenly confronted.] 

Duke: Yo, what the heck? 

Fierdan: You are a fool! 

Duke: Why are you here? Again? In my Isolation Box?

Fierdan: *is suddenly confused* Wait.. what? 

Duke: Isolation Box. 

Fierdan: That was over ten chapters ago. 

Duke: Oh really?

Fierdan: *no longer confused* Yes really. 

Duke: Wow.

[Ryen suddenly appears and confronts Duke and Fierdan.] 

Ryen: Fierdan, did he give you the details yet?

Fierdan: About what? 

Ryen: Ugh. *sighs* 

Fierdan: Oh right yeah. *looks at Duke and sighs loudly* 

Duke: Umm..

Fierdan: Why did you burn down another door? 

Duke: Oh, you mean the bathroom one?

Fierdan: Yeah, Duke, why'd you do that? 

Duke: I was trying to turn water into fire.

Fierdan: *loses composure and starts yelling at Duke* 

Fierdan: Why would you act like such an idiot and do something so stupid?! Damaging doors isn't good!

Ryen: Calm down, bro.

Fierdan: Ugh, shut up, you nerd!  

Sparkle: *from her room* Duke also burned down my door in the past. And with black fire. Which, of course, made the door harder to get fixed. 

Duke: Tch. 

Fierdan: Why would you use black fire, are you stupid?! 

Duke: I learn from my teacher. That's you, sweetie.

Fierdan: *is about to attack Duke but Ryen stops him* 

Ryen: Now stop it, little bro.

Fierdan: *glares at Ryen* Stop bringing height into this! 

Ryen: Then learn to control your temper!

Fierdan: Well, you annoy me too! It's not like you're the root of my traumas. Oh right, you are.

Duke: Excuse me--

Fierdan: Don't get me started on you. 

Duke: Wow, okay, rude. 

Sparkle: *leaves room and confronts them* Stop yelling, all of you! You're all fools! 

Ryen: *mumbles* Fine. *walks away* 

Fierdan: Ugh!

Duke: You two should really fix whatever you have going on.

Fierdan: You don't know anything, so shut up! 

Duke: Seriously though. Please stop yelling. 

Fierdan: Ugh fine. 

Duke: Thanks.

Fierdan: You're such a fool for doing that. You know that, right?

Duke: Yeah. 

Sparkle: Ugh, what don't you get when I tell you to shut up?! 

Fierdan: What's her problem?

Duke: She's Sparkle.

Sparkle: I'm Sparkle! 

----------------------------

Blegh ok. 

Time for sleep. 

Bye. :) 

~ Cutepups 

Creepy Child WIP

Sketched that Chapter 27 scene I said I was gonna draw.

Savage little kid Duke. What a creepy child. 

It's when he's saying, "Don't say I didn't warn you." To the teen that was teasing and harassing him a little beside the swimming pool. Oh and it's right after Duke climbed out of the pool after he struck his cousin in the pool after he saw Duke's flame mark.

Dang.. this vicious violent Duke makes me think of another parallel.

The idea of it is that people older than Duke think he's weak and they underestimate what he's capable of.

First with that jerk teen. Then with Risak and later with Taurel.

Exaggerated the creepy vibes. Scary eyes, scary smile. Visible drops and splashes of water. Visible flecks and streaks of blood. 

I don't like the hair and arms at all, but I'm too tired to fix them right now. 

Small but so incredibly cruel. Little kid Duke in Chapter 27: looks like a cinnamon roll but could kill someone. 

This boy.. I swear......

Anyway, I love him.

Aggressive behavior. That be him.

Oh, I know! This little Duke look is basically a parallel to when Risak imagined Duke with white eyes snarling at him, "Don't underestimate us." 

Mm.. Duke acting this way is basically Soulless dominating more control over Duke. Unnatural amounts of power and brutality. Yep, Soulless plays a big role. 

He doesn't really look like a little six year old in my drawing. Based on the drawing, the viewer would be the one Duke is staring at and talking to. And after the teens watched Duke send his cousin (who was trying to help him) drowning, they don't really look at Duke as being another child but a monster instead now. And in this scene I drew, Duke is staring at the teen who was teasing him earlier. He's about to rake his bloody nails down the side of the teen's face. In that moment, they're all pretty scared of Duke. They think he's a monster. So yeah.

Geez.. Duke's childhood is so effed up. :/ 

Being part-Soulless.. dang, son. :/ 

Wow, I can't draw hair, arms, and hands correctly. Wow, I can't draw my characters how I see them in my head. Pfft, this sucks.

I'm typing about so many story related drawings because then I'll have something to draw. I have so many scenes I could draw badly. 

Reason to continue living... oh worm? 

Duke is my demonic child... oh worm?

Yep. Ok bye for now.

~ Cutepups >;D 

on more serious story notes

Hi again. ^-^" 

First day of fall yet it feels very much like summer. My legs still hurt, ow. 

NF songs.. oh geez, man. Oh feelings, oh heck me right up.

Last post.. oh whelp. What happened? A big mess happened there. 

That happens with most of my posts though. Almost all of them. They're all messes. I always regret at least a small portion in my posts.

And then the next day, I'm like "... wtf did I write?" 

So umm anyways. Gonna type about some more serious story notes. 

-------------------------------

I think I might go with making Ryen's real full name be Aryen. And because Aryen is very similar to Aryan (like aryan race) Ryen never refers to himself as Aryen. So basically, Z was the only person to call Ryen, Aryen. Oh and Z only called pre-Fierdan, Daniel. And making it sound like Danielle because pre-Fierdan wasn't that tough or masculine stereotyped. 

So then it'll be. Aryen and Daniel. Are their real full names. Right now, I like how that goes together. Umm.. any thoughts on this? 

It's ironic in a way since the aryan race thing means white-skinned, blond, blue-eyed are the superior race. (Right? idk). But Ryen has black hair and gray eyes. And Ryen, Danny, and Z all aren't solely white-skinned. Only partially. 

Z planned to make his children most superior due to being the sons of a genius. Yeah, Z was a genius. He had a god complex too. Superior complex to other humans. Yep, that's him.

The more I think and write about Ryen makes me love him and get emotional over him. 

Aryen and Daniel. Sons with so many opposites. White and blue; black and red. Emotionless; too emotional. Mother's eyes; father's eyes. Cold; heat. Apathy; passion. Darkness; fire light. 

-x-x- 

I'm thinking of making their father's real name be something different from Zios. So I keep on calling him, Z. 

And I've been calling their mother, C. Because her name will be based off of the name, Calliah. 

About Calliah......

There are heavy parallels between Ryen and Danny's parents (C and Z), and Duke's parents (Calliah and Eternal). Except unlike Calliah, C is such a good mother. Well, C was never abusive. C freaking left Ryen and Danny to be alone with their father (who is a huge piece of sh!t). And Z had a god/superior complex. As if he was a god. As if he's the eternal ruler. And look at that, Eternal is the name of Duke's father. 

Calliah has phantom powers, and didn't tell Eternal that she and Duke have phantom powers. Because then Eternal would think it would be justified if he killed both of them. And if Eternal worked at the same place as Taurel, that could be another reason why Taurel is so anti-Duke (phantom, Fierdan, Elemental Powers) which are all things Eternal deeply hate. Eternal could have told Taurel to hunt down Duke as soon as he discovered Duke's true identity.

C had magical powers, and didn't tell Z that she and Danny have powers. And both sons have Elemental Powers, which makes them not as normal humans compared to the general population. And Z doesn't like the concept of other people having these unnatural powers. Because it'll make them extraordinary. Which ruins Z's godly complex. So Z would plan to have anyone who threatened him in that way by having them killed. But honestly, if Z found out about Danny and Ryen's powers earlier, he would probably have spared their lives. Only because Z sees his sons as his own best creations. So he wouldn't want to destroy them. In that way, Z loves Ryen and Danny. Because they're his best creations. 

-x-x-

This one is a lot more general. 

I've been making several posts about future chapters content because I'm not sure when I'll have the time to write full chapters and I don't want to forget all my story plans. 

Life is stressful and hectic. I'm barely holding it together, oops haha. I'm losing it, lads.

I want there to be posts where I say what I plan to include in future chapters, so then I don't have to rely on my memory alone and a vague chapter outline. I have proof of chapter events on my blog already that I could use as reference when writing the chapters.

And besides, writing about my story plans is like a break from reality. It's like the only thing I'm passionate about. The only actual thing. Posting about the story comforts me a lot more than me venting about my personal stuff and feelings. So I enjoy posting my story plans in a still pretty vague way.

This story is like a long-term project I have that's all mine. It's something I'm always working on to improve. My writing and plans have definitely improved since 2014 and 2015. And I feel like I accomplished something then. It's all just a huge work in process. 

To be honest, I feel inadequate and not good enough to still be alive. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't think that bad stuff. But idk what to do. I'm falling behind in life. I'm told that I've accomplished nothing nearly all the time now. Which.. is hurtful? 

(Great. I might cry as I type this post too. Ugh.)

I'm that more smiley and giggly friend. I try to be the more upbeat one around them. Because I know their lives are sad; they're in worse living situations. 

But.. damn it.. I really got it lucky. Loved, supported.. I got that. I really do. 

But why.. why do I feel so lost in life and feel like I'm not meant to be here? 

I don't even know, but talking to one of my friends just makes me feel bad. I'm Danny, the emotional one; they're Ryen, the one that seems emotionless and cold. (If you're reading this, you're not the friend.) 

Sorry, friend. I know life sucks. Life is hard right now, huh. I got that. I understand that.

If I have it all so good, then why.....

.... then why do I still want to die? And like what you said, "kms"? 

For real. 

w h y 

................

Working on this story feels like the only thing I'm doing right. Makes me feel adequate and accomplished. Makes me feel things. 

The story is the only thing I can control in life right now. I'm barely handling anything else. I can't control life to the same extent as the story. 

This story.. it comforts me. 

Oh and I know the main emotions of the story are pain, misery, and brokenness. But there are so many other emotions in the story too. There's happiness, love, heartbreak, anger, laughter, innocence, lack of that..... and more. 

Characters are more than one-dimensional. They have feelings more than just sadness. They were happy at one point. 

Because of this, I could find more things that remind me of my characters. Depending on what time in their lives. Uh.. yeah. 

For this topic, all the words in my head are jumbled letters. I can't really put them into sentences. 

That's it. I'm outta here. 

-x-x- 

I feel like I'm giving off the feel that all parents of the main characters have abusive parents or just bad parents in general. 

It's just that my favorite characters, Duke and Fierdan, have been abused with one of their abusers being a parental figure. 

Actually.. huh.. explaining Fierdan's is complicated. Same goes for Ryen. Fierdan and Ryen both share the same abusive parent. But Ryen was more abused by the parental figure than Fierdan. It's hard to really explain right now, sorry. 

What I'm trying to say is.....

Not all parents in the story are abusive and bad. There are good parents. Whether that be one good parent or two good parents. 

Twinkle's parents are also pretty bad. They treated her badly, huh. Ugh. 

Ardere has a bad and complicated relationship with his father. Like.. man.. his father hates him. Because Ardere thinks he's a fox and not a wolf, and because of his Elemental Power. 

But besides them, I don't think the other characters' parents are inherently bad people. 

Not all of my favorite main characters have been abused (by their parents or overall). 

Ok. Got that? Abuse isn't everything in this story. Sorry if I ever made it look that way.

Sorry if I ever made it look like I'm idealizing abuse. As if I'm writing it as if it's a normal and common thing. I really hope I didn't though. It never was my intention. 

Thinking that I could be interpreted that way haunts me. Makes me feel more toxic. Ugh.

-x-x-

Cast my sins into the sea.

Still want to not exist anymore. 

Still don't know a damn thing.

If having these thoughts is a sin, then I have already sinned again.

That, or I couldn't have cast that sin away.

.................

Goodbye.

art plans- maybe? + Ryen info

Hello! ^-^" 

My legs have been hurting a lot today. Sitting down and standing up is pretty painful. Ouch. :( 

Anyway, this post is about Twinkle's Story stuff. Another post. Yeah. 

Let's go!~ 

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

It's September 21st. 

This year, 2017, marks the third year of me posting Chapter 21. 

Ah yeah. Chapter 21 on 9/21. 

I'm pretty sure Chapter 21 was my second chapter that I viewed as my favorite and most iconic. (The first one was Chapter 16.. I think.)

Well anyway, I wanted to draw something from Chapter 21 for a long, long time now. For a few years at this point. 

And of course, foolish me never drew anything from Chapter 21. Nevertheless any human versions. 

I just want to draw all my characters as humans now. 

So I'm thinking of drawing a scene or two (or maybe three lol) from Chapter 21. But I'll draw Twinkle and Duke as humans. Not "foxes" lol ok.

For Chapter 21 scenes, I'll most likely draw these ones: 

1. Twinkle is wearing Duke's gray T-shirt. Duke is shirtless (because of course he is). They're sitting on the Tall Tower's roof in this chapter, I should also add. And it's during nighttime. Oh and this is when Twinkle sees Duke's phantom flame mark on his heart for the first time. That whole feeling heartbeats thing going on. Yeah, might draw that.  

2. Twinkle and Duke are standing near the edge of the roof. Their arms are hanging over (how to word things??) the roof. One of Duke's arms is wrapped around Twinkle's back, or one of his hands is loosely gripping one of Twinkle's wrists. I'm not sure yet. Little orange flames are erupting from the tips of Duke's fingernails. Smaller blue sparks are appearing from Twinkle's fingernails. 

3. This first iconic Dukle (DukeXTwinkle) chapter. Mm omg that's some good stuff. First story OTP. Ah, that nostalgia. I used to love and obsess over Dukle lol and now I'm like "lol they gay".. yeah idfk. Oh and this one will be the scene where Duke and Twinkle are at a creepily close distance from each other, and they're like staring at each other's eyes since that's so romantic huh. Pfft, I mean when Duke kisses Twinkle. 

Character kissing scenes. 

2014 me... omg lmao thought it was a risky move. Such a big deal. Now look at me now. XD 

Now in 2017, I've either written or am planning on writing scenes with.....: 

- sensual/sexual stuff (idk which one? probably both tbh) 

- Fierdan said "sexual" in a chapter. (owo boiiii) 

- Fierdan also said the four-letter f swear many times in a chapter. (it was "f*ck" .... owo what's this)

- Fierdan and Duke have lines of actual written dialogue proving that they probably aren't heterosexual. Yeah man, woop. Thought all your characters are straight, Cutepups? Well, you're wrong.

- One line of dialogue from Duke in the most recent chapter is kinda.. uh.. an implied (?? what are words) sexual reference because he is a bad boy dang it Duke.

- Characters naked in scenes. (Uh.. Fierdan.. whomst this guy) 

- Jk there are no sex scenes wtf. (hueheuh heck me up :/ owo hyuheck)

- Flashback scenes of harassment and violation. More than once.  

- Torture. Enough said.

- Murder scenes. Scenes where other characters get killed. Scenes where characters die. 

- Uhhhhhhhhfgh suicidal stuff. Hhhng oh no.

- Abuses. I love suffering and f*cking up my characters more and even more. 

- ................. Dawn's past. Enough said. 

- I'm probably missing something tbh.  

:^) :'-) ØwØ

..... now watch me regret typing that. haaaahhhhh. screw it.

Oh yeah! XD

About drawing kiss scenes, I want to draw that Chapter 40 kiss scene again but with Duke and Twinkle as humans. 

And just for Dukle kiss scenes, I also kinda want to draw that ballroom scene in parallel with that scene where they're in the kitchen and Twinkle kisses Duke out of frustration idfk.

I think a part of me will always love and ship DukeXTwinkle even though I also hate it. 8D 

Drawing other character kissing scenes. Whelp uh idk. ://}

-x-x-

I want to talk about Ryen. First son of Z; Danny/Fierdan being the second son. 

I should draw him. So then you'll know what he actually looks like at this point in the story. 

Now have some facts about him.......: 

I've been on the fence about making his official full first name to be Aryen. But he's never referred to as that. Because he hates how his father, Z, named him Aryen. Since Aryen sounds like that word called superior race (I'm bad with words, sorry). Or is Aryen that word? Uhh..... And his father named him to be a more superior person than anyone else just because his father is Z. So he's just called Ryen.

Ryen is four years older than Danny (aka Fierdan but I'm just gonna call him Danny here). 

Ryen is probably the character that's closest to being a main character (it'll make more sense in story 2 if I ever write it lol) that's devoid of emotion. He is basically emotionless. The only time Ryen has been showing his feelings physically and being an emotional wreck is in that flashback scene in the 40s chapter arc when Ryen was a little kid and he woke up realizing his brother was taken away. And when he learned his brother was the only person who survived. But before and after that happened, Ryen has been physically emotionless. Ryen having to deal and live with Z manipulating him for years. Z treating Ryen as his favorite test subject.. well, before Z got interested in Danny. The trauma of Z's abusive behavior and losing Danny forever made Ryen not be able to show actual deep emotions. And then years later, Ryen has to live with the fact that Z mysteriously died and Ryen doesn't know if Danny is alive or dead. Ryen also was really close to his mother in those first few years of his life, but then she left the family one day. Their mother left before Danny could remember her. So Ryen also had to deal with losing his mother, and then later with her death. His father planned for her death. So yeah.. take that all in. Now since Ryen is figuring out ways that Danny can come back (Fierdan getting memories of the human world), Ryen is so desperate that he'll be able to see his brother in person again that he's becoming emotional only about that.

Ryen,,,, aaaahhh this boy. This shadowed boy. ;; 

Ryen created Soulless. He still doesn't know how much of a mistake that was. When he meets his brother, he has to learn how much Soulless mentally and physically f*cked Danny up. He caused the destruction of his pure sweet baby brother. He was so happy to see his brother again. But when they meet, Ryen is met with someone who hates him to the core and says his name is Fierdan and not Danny or Daniel.  

Ryen lost everyone close to him, okay? His father.. that was good though because screw him he's the actual worst. But then he finds out that Danny (who is called Fierdan now? but he doesn't know why?) brutally killed their father. So then Ryen's perception of his brother is forever changed because pre-Fierdan is such a sweet and gentle soul who would definitely not kill anything, nevertheless another person. And of course he lost their mother. And Danny has no memories of her. 

I keep on imagining Ryen as having ghostly white skin. Because he's been living as just a shadow and like a ghost for so long. But that doesn't make sense because Danny and Z aren't white. So.. that won't work. But then again, Ryen hasn't actually been outside in the sun for a real long time. He's always been inside. Even in those pre-Fierdan times. Z forced Ryen to stay inside and work on the project that ended up taking Danny away for good. And Ryen also created Soulless. 

Ryen has wavy black hair. His hair looks more like a dark gray than a dark brown. 

Ryen wears glasses. Ryen has his mother's eyes. But his are a more darker blue-gray. More on the gray side. Which by the way, is probably the opposite eye color of Danny's and Z's.

Typing this out is making me have tears in my eyes. Haha, what the heck.....

Ah, the traumatized brothers. Children of tragedy. :( ;-;

Ryen's Elemental Power is darkness. Yeah. Hidden. True that.

He's such a nerd. Smart@ss. Mathematical and coding expert. Also an opposite when it comes to Danny. 

He also has a white shirt and a long white coat. Opposite of Danny's black clothes and black jacket (uh.. think of Duke for this one). 

Ryen is pretty tall, too. He's the leader of the Extraordinary Others (those with Elemental Powers) in the human world secret base. 

So yeah. That's some more information about Ryen. 

-x-x- 

Sorry for any spelling and grammatical errors. I don't have the time to bother checking. 

I also want to draw scenes from that chapter with the flashback to 6 year old Duke. 

Creepy kid. Messed up, buddy boy. 

Ah geez... when Duke is out of the pool, and his flame marking is visible to all of them. When he stares viciously at his cousin's friend who was teasing him (what cousin is this? who knows?) and has his hand raised in a way that he's about to rake his nails down this person's face, leaving deep scratches and blood. Oh and Duke's hand feels like it's on fire and is steaming. 

I want to draw sinister little kid Duke, basically. XD 

Duke's first violent "f*ck you" moment. Savage. 

Don't harass this Duke kid. Pfft, come on now. 

I should draw Taurel and Risak as humans.

Sparkle as a human.

Drawing them as humans should be a lot easier. 

Oh and I also should draw Twinkle with Black Raven at some point.

Oh and draw Fauna, too. Never drew her yet, wow.  

Yeah ah heh. 

Bye now. <3 

Duke in Yesterday's Skit

With art and explanations! 

But before that, I have to say something. No school tomorrow and Friday. Yay! 

Oh and as for those weird-looking letters in yesterday's post title, cw Exp means content warning Explicit. Just in case. Because of the context in it at some parts. Like towards the end. And for the swears too. Censoring the vowels just in case. Might stop doing that though. 

So yeah. :) 

So, uh, I drew something today. Less than an hour ago, to be more specific.

Haha yes. Of course I had to draw him like that. :'D 

I drew Duke in the part of yesterday's skit when he opened the bathroom door and is standing in front of the bathroom. 

This part: [Duke opens the bathroom door. A room full of steam is behind him. His hair is wet, a towel is wrapped around his waist with one hand holding part of the towel and the other hand in a fist that's emitting orange flames.]  

I was too lazy to draw two eyes, so he's winking in my drawing. ;) 

Here it is: 

That wink tho. 

Drew him silly like how he is in skits. :3 

Pfft, he looks like such a wimp. XD 

That's how I imagined the towel. Yeah wow, it's not red or black. He probably looks best in red or black, but I'm trying to imagine him wearing other colors. 

I drew this in less than an hour. Used no refs. The anatomy is off, I'm pretty sure. 

The light gray lines in the background are supposed to be the steam from inside the bathroom. There's a steam cloud at the top as well. 

And yes, I know. I drew his hair shorter than in my other recent Duke drawings. Yeah, I already know that. 

Have an awful explanation: 

I imagine there being two universes involving my characters. The first one is the actual canon Twinkle's Story (the chapters) and the second one is basically the skit posts. 

The time for a lot of recent skits takes place after the actual Twinkle's Story is finished. Except unlike the actual story, Duke doesn't die and become the part of Fierdan that Fierdan lost to create Duke. In skits, even if they're all human, Duke and Fierdan are two separate people. 

In some skits, I know Duke talked about seeing other characters die, being tortured, and severely hurting other characters. Well basically, skit Duke is talking about scenes that will happen in the story. To make it simple, the story is the sad tragedy version while the skits are more lighthearted and funny. 

Duke also talked about the deaths of characters in other skits. Remember how I just said that the recent skits take place after the events of Twinkle's Story? Yeah of course you do. Anyway, certain characters that are in the skits do die in the story. So when Duke is referring to their deaths, he means the story universe which is separate from the skit universe. 

And as for why I drew this skit Duke with shorter dark brown/black hair, it's because Duke's hair gets chopped off and his head shaved in a few more chapters. So it'll take a while for his hair to fully grow back. Which is why his hair is a little shorter than before it got cut off and shaved.

Oh shoot yeah. I drew Duke with wet hair. There are drops of water about to drip off the tips of his hairs.

-+-+-+- 

That line where Duke was shouting/singing in yesterday's skit also has deep meaning. I'll go more in depth in another post about it. I'll just be basic and vague now though.

Anyway, that line in the skit is supposed to be more ridiculous and bad sounding than another version of it.

Just like how I said I imagine Twinkle singing a song about herself in certain fairly recent chapters, I imagine Duke singing a song about himself in several chapters in the future. 

For the beginning half of the Duke song, it goes like: "I'm called a demon. You heard me screamin'."  

For the ending half of the song, Duke is shouting as he sings, and it goes like: "Oh, 'cause I'm a demon. I heard you screamin'." 

So like when Duke said that in the skit, it's me trying to show that those words are parts of a song I'm working on. 

The context of the song is very violent and graphic story material. Basically, it's a song summarizing the torture story arc. Featuring lots of pain, body horror and blood, deaths, rage, and losses of sanity. 

The beginning half says "you heard me screamin'" which is referring to when Duke is being hurt severely and screaming in pain. The ending half says "I heard you screamin'" which is referring to Duke severely hurting the same person who hurt him. 

When Duke would give the person who was torturing him that iconic sadistic look, he's gonna say one of my favorite lines in the story. And it'll go something like, "Now it's my turn." 

And the karma basically means that Duke is gonna severely hurt the person who has been torturing him in the same ways he was tortured the most.  

In the skit, Duke said something about "my two blackened eyes and blood dripping everywhere". It's worded vaguely, and those are the two main results of the torturing. There are more, but those are the most common and often.

Injured, burned out eyes. Being forced to bleed excessively. Yeah, painful. I won't go into specifics on how though. Definitely not now. Can't reveal all the specifics, haha.

How it happens is more on the creative side though. Pretty different. 

Since the torturing makes Duke lose his humanity, he becomes someone who's brutal and full of years of anguish and rage let out at the fullest extent. Because of Duke evolving from civilized human to impatient demon, the injuries he gets aren't as fatal and damaging to his body. So he would be able to go on the offense and switch the roles around to become the attacker. Not much effort and strength is needed to cause the injuries that Duke is gonna do to the person who previously tortured him, and Duke's unnatural body chemistry due to being the fusion of Fierdan and Soulless finally being let out at full power and effects lets him be able to cause severe pain to others more easily than before.

Yeah eesh wow. Duke.. what a guy. One minute a funny fool, the next a person who could cause a ton of pain and even death.

And now it's hard for me to decide on whose past was more terrible. Duke's or Fierdan's. It's probably Fierdan's, but Duke's is actually a lot of pain and messed up stuff. Duke lost his memories of how bad his childhood was, and it gets a lot worse than what was already mentioned in chapters.

Dawn made Duke forget his connection to Fierdan and his Fierdan memories. But Duke also forgot his own past memories.

Poor, scarred boy. ;; 

Harassed. Violated. Less than human. Being told they're burdens that shouldn't be alive. Being told to die. Not being shown proper care and affection by parental figures.

That's something Duke and Dawn share. In very different ways. Things they can't remember anymore due to how bad those things were. Repressed so much all memories have been erased from their minds. 

Yeah, guess I should mention that Dawn's past is also very sad and messed up. Thinking of her past makes me want to cry, it's that horrible. 

Before the whole Soulless thing gets deeply involved with Fierdan, I really think Dawn's past was the worst.

Whew.. ok then, Cutepups. Geez. 

Ha, ha, aaaaaaaa. 

Bye now. 

~ Cutepups <3 

Longer Skit (cw Exp?) ;-) :-/

Ha, ha....... 

I feel regrets and guilt for how I worded certain things again. 

Lmao why am I like this? X'D 

Anyway.. all that stuff..

It's bad. It's terrible. Just because there are (gonna be) themes of these topics doesn't mean I'm intending for them to be seen as light topics. Because no, that's not the case at all. These topics and themes are very bad and harmful. The story is fictional, so the characters are too. Don't become this cursed story of mine and its characters. If we do, then we will die. Don't die, kids. :-) 

And can I just make this clear: a work of fiction having such topics does not automatically mean the topics are being idealized and glamorized.

The topics are toxic and messed up. They're not good things lol. Those topics are causes and they have negative effects. 

Yeah, a psa. Ok now onto the skit.

-X- -X- -X- -X- -X- -X- -X- 

[Upstairs Hallway in House] 

Finny: Ugh, gotta pee. *walks toward upstairs bathroom door* 

Bathroom Door: is locked, hot water slips from under the door to the hallway 

Finny: Ugh, I really have to pee. 

Brock: Then just go to the one downstairs.

Finny: Eww no! You just went, and the whole room is stinky. 

Brock: Yeah sure okay.

Finny: Yeah, I heard you fart in there from the living room. That's gross.

Brock: Okay, point taken. But geez, who's taking a bath at three in the afternoon? 

Finny: Oh.. dang it.

Brock: What? 

[Suddenly, from inside the bathroom, a loud voice is heard.] 

Brock: *locks eyes with Finny's* Duke. 

Finny: *sighs* Yep. 

Duke: *singing, shouting, it's a mystery* 

Brock: Do you know what he's saying?

Finny: No idea, dude. 

Duke: ...... Oh, 'cause I'm a demon. I heard you screamin'. But oh no, no, no. If you think I'll play fair and give you mercy, then you know nothing about karma. You just wanted to hurt me, nothing more and nothing less. I'm not gonna play on easy mode for you, damn it! Because oh, you heard me screamin'. You heard me screaming, with my two blackened eyes and blood dripping everywhere, you heard the demon screamin' for you to stop. But oh no, no, no. 'Cause you never did. You never gave it up on me, so tell me why I'll think of giving it up on you. Played this on yourself, now you're gonna burn. Don't you know better than to play with fire? Messed with me, and now you're gonna burn and bleed. Just like what you did to me. In this game of violation, you took your turn. Now, I'm on the offense. Damn it, I'm the king of tragedy, and I'll make you my subject.  Now, it's my f*cking turn! Oh, 'cause I'm a demon. You heard me screamin'. But oh no, no, no. No, no, no! No stopping, no giving up. Karma's a b*tch. The same way you violated me is gonna happen to you. Looks like I'm out of time. Enough singing, let me put my words into action. 

[Suddenly, a hole is in the center of the door. It's the size of two fists. Orange flames come out of it.]

Finny: Great, another ruined bathroom. Sparkle is gonna kill the both of you.  

Brock: What the hell were you talking about, drunkie? 

Finny: Huh? 

[Duke opens the bathroom door. A room full of steam is behind him. His hair is wet, a towel is wrapped around his waist with one hand holding part of the towel and the other hand in a fist that's emitting orange flames.] 

Finny: *runs into the steamy bathroom and locks the door* 

Brock: Uh.. he really had to pee. 

Duke: There's a bathroom downstairs. 

Brock: He didn't want to enter there after I went in there.

Duke: Uh....

Finny: *shrieks* What the hell is this?! 

Duke: I tried to turn water into fire. 

Brock: Why would you do that? 

Finny: Because he's Duke, damn it! 

Duke: I also took a bath. 

Finny: *screams and then leaves the bathroom while shuddering* 

Duke: Did you turn on the sink?

Finny: Screw you, Duke. 

Duke: Okay, I should've told you about that.

Finny: Ya think! 

Brock: What happened to the sink?

Finny: When I twisted the faucet, it got set on fire.

Duke: Haha, that was awesome. 

Finny: F*ck you. 

Duke: *smirks* Well, I have no clothes on, so....

Brock: Shut up, drunkie. 

[Suddenly, Twinkle comes upstairs. Dawn follows her.] 

Twinkle: *face heats up when her eyes go to Duke, then turns around to whisper to Dawn* Do your thing. 

Dawn: *nods and turns Duke's towel into a pair of shorts in the same color and pattern* 

Duke: Oh dang, I have clothes on now. Ran out of time, Finny. 

Twinkle: I'm just gonna pretend I didn't just hear that. Anyway, I know what yesterday's RIM was. 

Finny: Ooh, what was it? 

Twinkle: It's the.. Void. 

Brock: Huh?

Dawn: Wait, doesn't your girlfriend work at the store, Brock? 

Brock: Oh yeah, but she doesn't know the RIM either. 

Twinkle: Well, I do. It's called the Void. Invisible, empty, infinite nothingness. 

Duke: Is it just me or do you sound more sarcastic than usual? 

Twinkle: No, it's the Void. Infinite nothingness. Just like how I feel. Like a void. I'm so done with life. I don't care anymore. 

Dawn: Sounds like depression. 

Duke: Aren't we all? 

Brock: Not me.

Duke: That's true, thanks, I don't care. 

Twinkle: Hey Dawn, wanna take a nap with me? 

Dawn: Yeah sure, Twinkle! 

Duke: But that's our thing! Yo Finny, wanna nap with me? 

Finny: Hell no! F*ck you! 

Duke: Geez fine. #rejection. #hello-darkness-my-only-friend. Stop saying "f*ck you" to me then. *voice becomes muffled* 

Void: Duke's voice has been cut off due to the explicit content. Stop it, Duke, stop it now. Being R-rated in skits is prohibited.

........... yeah idk, sorry, bye now. 

~ Cutepups 

skit n sh!t

Hi. Turns out I'm making another post today. Yay.

Ugh, I'm kinda scared for school tomorrow. Worrying about things again. Ugh.

Oh and what songs did I mean by my previous post? 

Songs by NF. :'D <3 

Good songs make nearly everything a little better. That's the facts.

Lyrics.. oh damn. 

One of the songs vaguely reminds me of the scene in a future chapter. Of course a scene where one of the characters involved is my boy, Duke.

This song reminds me of other characters, too. By that I mean.. hmm.. Calliah, Eternal (Duke's parents), Finny, Dawn, Soulless, Fierdan, Sparkle, and Taurel.  

But mainly Duke, his parents, Finny, Sparkle, and Soulless. 

Reliving awful crappy past memories. Haha yes, Duke's effed up past. Remember those early chapters? No? Haha, tragedy boy 2.0. 

Oh wait. A recent chapter can be involved in it as well. That flashback scene in Finny's POV of Duke writing songs and poems (yes I know that sounds ridiculous to you readers, but it's important and related to Fierdan) and later singing some of the songs with Finny. Which took place many, many months ago from what time the story is at now. 

Ironically enough (or not idk), I have deep and complex pasts for all my main characters except for Twinkle and Fauna. But everyone else? Oh yeah, it's very deep.

Fierdan and Duke writing emotional personal stuff and song lyrics to cope and escape from the crappy and abusive parents around them? Likely. 

Psst.. Duke and Dawn both have some different repressed memories when it regards certain past events. Yeah, I'm so cruel to them because we all know how much I apparently love suffering. Either by having certain memories blocked and unable to be remembered, or by remembering them not as bad as the actual events that happened. First for Dawn; second for Duke.

It all goes down to.......

The different types of abuses. Yeah, big cw/tw for certain chapters. It has plenty of details. Past.. damn.

Soulless? Involved with hurting Duke in the past just like with Fierdan? Perhaps.

Oh.. the song is called Mansion. 

Oh and another cw/tw for Dawn's abuser and two of Duke's. They dehumanized Dawn and Duke. Which means their abusers believed they were less and worse than other humans. 

(Shh, just gonna refer to Duke as a human. The rest of them too. I'm sick of saying foxes for them.) 

It's probably easier for you to guess who dehumanized Duke (his parents) and why (being called Fierdan's reincarnation, phantom heart flame, his existence being Soulless and Fierdan fused).  

It's harder to explain Dawn's right now. Didn't reveal much in the chapters so far. 

Yeah haha mm. :") 

Tiny skit time! :0 

Fierdan: you're a nerd

Ryen: so are you

Fierdan: f*ck you 

Duke: you're a nerd

Fierdan: so are you

Duke: f*ck you 

Duke: you're a nerd

Finny: so are you

Duke: f*ck you 

Finny: Guess what?

Sparkle: We have no information on the RIM. 

Finny: True but guess what?

Sparkle: What is it? 

Finny: Cutepups is taking a business class in school this year.

Sparkle: Yeah so?

Finny: Then I'll be able to use more nerdy business and economic words in skits! 

Sparkle: Dang it, Finny. 

Finny: Wooooooooooooooooooo~!

Ardere: hello there ;) 

Fauna: you're a nerd

Ardere: wow rude 

Duke: f*ck you

Fauna: huh? 

Twinkle: stop killing them, boy!

Duke: F*ck You 

Brock: swearing is bad

Duke: f*ck off 

Ryen: stop swearing

Fierdan: f*ck off 

Ryen: gosh hecking dang it

Brock: what the f*ck? 

Duke and Fierdan: don't f*cking swear, Brock! only us two can! 

....... I, uh, love hearing them swear in my head. 

It's close to midnight now, oops. The time you'll see at the end of this post is the time when I typed the title. 

Yeah ahh. 

~ Cutepups 

pffgh

Man, haha, wow.

I fall in love so easily with the newest thing that makes me happy.

I'm so clingy with the vague few things that make me feel a temporarily bit of genuine happiness.

Dang, back at it again with the early 2015 Cutepups.

Two days ago, I found more songs to love and play on repeat.

I cling onto anything that makes me enjoy life in these trying times. Ha, ha. 

Life is a struggle, that's for sure. 

It'll probably be okay in the end. That's what they keep on saying.

My anxiety is so loud, so it's hard to really hear that. 

More info after the break.

Which is going to school.

I'll be back again later if I still feel motivated to post after school.

Ok bye.

haha hey

It's midnight where I'm at. I gotta wake up early again, ugh. I'm a fool, so I'm typing this stupid post up now. :-) 

Got more spam anons but in my latest post this time. That fake validation though. Aight mate.

It's Saturday. Yay, no school today. Yes tf.

Anyway, I don't think we're actually getting a puppy. I don't know a thing, guys. I'm stupid; a fool am I.

I'm typing this post and petting my cat at the same time. Yes tf true.

Lmao I feel like I'm not allowed to be genuinely happy now. Because of life. Haha wtf, Cutepups.

Always gotta be sad about something. And if not sad, then mad. :-') 

Anyway........... 

I love Dawn, damn it. My green queen daughter. This is the weekly reminder that I love her so much omg you have no idea.

About Twinkle's Story, I probably won't have the time to write chapters anymore. Because of the trash in life. Plus more life crap. Add in high anxieties to the mix, too while you're at it.

I really don't know when I'll find the time to write. Life is way too stressful and sad for me right now.

:-( ugh why must life be this way? ;; 

But since I missed talking about Him, have this mess.........:

For the past month or so, I kept on thinking of writing an edgy poem in the POV of my problematic edgelord son (aka Fierdan). That's pretty much canon though lmao.

Basically, it was gonna be about Soulless and like how Soulless is actually not real and is a figment of Fierdan's imagination and is basically a metaphor of trauma, anger, and depression. 

Soulless the void. XD tf is this uhhhhhhhhhhh idk? 

Is this a story spoiler, Cutepups? I don't know for sure but perhaps it is maybe. However, Soulless would still be a different character (identity? idk the word I should use here?) from Fierdan and from Duke. 

Lol in a sick and twisted way (is it? idk), Duke is basically Soulless and Fierdan's child. Since, you know, Duke is basically a younger Fierdan with parts of his actual body being from Soulless (ah like his heart mm). 

Man, I really want to draw Fierdan (or Danny, idk what name he'll use at that point) as a crying emotional wreck. 

Damn, ain't that the internal mood? True that tf. 

The Duke and Fierdan parallel. Mm omg, gosh dang good stuff. Mm oh my god.

The Duke and Taurel parallel. Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh oh my god.

Just, any parallels with Duke and another character. Omg aaahhhh. 

Thinking about my characters makes me feel better. Lmao.

Uhhhfgh. I was in pain before. Then I had water. And can I just say- water works wonders. Yeah wow tf.

Whew, I really gotta go. I'm a very tired fool. Yeah bye.

~ Cutepups 

oh whot

Hello there. 

Fun stupid fact: I sometimes refer to myself as Cutepups instead of my real name or whatever other names I'm called online. Not out loud of course. Just in my head.

I'm Cutepups. Dang it, Cutepups. Stop this.

Anyway, know what's disappointing? Tomorrow is only Thursday. Which means it's not close to the weekend yet. School is tiring even though I don't have many difficult classes. 

Wait.. I shouldn't say that. Every class is difficult somehow. 

Yeah idk what I'm saying. It's 11 and I don't get much sleep.

For the past few days, I've had this vivid drawing piece stuck in my head. And I really want to draw it.

Having motivation and time to create it is a whole different story. Because I don't have either right now.

Oh and it's not about the story. It's more of a vent piece, oops. 

(I'm so tired of everything, ha ha..)

Oh lol the other day my sister came home and was like....

She's gonna adopt this puppy soon. Which means, if she's telling the truth, we could be getting a new puppy soon. 

I know nothing about any of this though. But wow, a cute pup? Here? Where I live? 

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. !!!!!!!!!! :0 

I think she said it was a male pupper that's a great dane mix.

My family is kinda excited about that. XD 

That's all I know about it. 

That's also the only thing I'm looking forward to right now. A real life thing. Happening to me. Yeah.

Yikes @myself 

Bbbbbbbyyyyyyeeeeeee 

Bye*

~ Cutepups 

hey uhh

Today has been 

9/11

2017.

Not that long ago (after the gardens though), I visited the 9/11 museum in NY. 

Yeah, that one.

In one word: wow.

Eeeeeesh. Getting chills.

I don't take any history classes anymore, so I didn't talk about it in any of my classes. Except for the morning announcements. Yeah.

I finished my homework for tomorrow a few hours ago. Why am I still up then? I don't care about my life lmao.

About my life, I keep on getting these questions in my classes. 

"What do you view yourself doing in one, five, ten, thirty years?"

Damn it, I don't know. I barely know most of you. 

The future... ugh. I hate being forced to think about it all the damn time.

I don't know how or if I'm gonna live and survive one year from now. Never mind in thirty!

Well haha, the highlight of my weekend was seeing the movie, It. Saw it. Yeah. Wow, you're playing it vague, Cutepups go die.

It's 11:49. Cutepups is still awake. Screw it lol.

No offense but I kinda bet I'm gonna make a bunch of negative vibes in my posts. Life is rough and stressful. Not a huge fan of being alive at this time either. Yeah sorry about that.

My sensitivity and anxiety are literally ruining my life. I hate this, ugh.

I know I said that I couldn't view myself in a year from now in older posts from previous years, but like it's real this time. There's no more high school after this year for me, dudes. I have no idea where I'm gonna go to college. So yeah, I am clueless.

It'll be surprising if I ever don't think of dying as something I do in the next few years. 

I don't know what I'm gonna do. Screw it, man, I'm screwed.

To the one person who reads my posts, I love you, dude. Love yourself.

Things are supposed to get better. I'm just saying. That better not remain as bs.

I'm tired but restless. That's me all the time. It's terrible.

Ok bye lmao.

Longwood Gardens

These are all from a few weeks ago. 

I posted them to my tumblr and deviantart a while back, but just in case some viewer didn't view them there, I'll post them here too.

Yay.. plants- and a cat! :)

The title is the name of the place. 

Okay, there are plenty of pictures. 

They're my pictures. Mine. 

------------------------

I have some more pictures on my other two sites. 

....

Delayed repeating, repeating, repeating........