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Part 2: 

Hello again. :} 

So I've been getting anonymous comments that start off being nice and appreciative of my posts and myself. They made me smile... at first.

I'm sick of this. Every time I get my hopes up that I have a nice anon commenter, it shatters when their comments end up being a spam advertisement. They're just spambots. They don't care about me or my posts. Only for their own gain.

Fake happiness. Fake niceness. Fake, fake, fake. I'm so freaking sick of this. Can people like that stop commenting on posts? Especially on that one post I typed several months ago? Please leave me alone. You're not real. You don't care about me. You're not nice. You're not thankful. Nobody cares, huh. 

When my friend actually does leave a comment on a post, the amount of spambots I get commenting doubles or triples. I'm so sick of spambots trying to take over my blog. Eww, go away. 

For real though. If you don't actually have any good intentions with me, then leave me alone. I am already struggling a lot in life right now. I'm so done with this fake love commenting bs. 

I've been making a few posts basically saying that I'm so scared of living and how much I think of dying/not existing. The only thing that makes life manageable right now is thinking of my story. And even that is cursed and another type of personal hell. I can't handle anything. I'm so overwhelmed. It's killing me. I'm literally rotting here. 

And yet.. yet... anonymous comments seem nice and cheerful at first. They even made me happy at first. At first. But then it's just advertising their products or own sites. Or how to get money. 

I don't care about living anymore. I don't care about anything anymore. I.d.g.a.f. I don't even care about getting help. I don't f*cking care about my stupid life. 

Lol haha I could just die. And then some freaking anon would be like, "Hi I learned a lot from your blog. Your content is better than most others I have seen. Here's a link to my T-shirts. Thanks." 

Asdfghjkl;; whyyyyyy. Guess I'm that pathetic lol. Everyone else gave up on me and this crappy blog because of what happened last time. Lol sorry that I really want to die again. XD /////::///:/

Brief positivity: my legs don't hurt a lot anymore. thank god. 

There are some old friends of mine that I haven't communicated to in over a year at least. At least one year ago. But for most, way more time than that. 

I assume the worst. What if they're struggling and I'm not there? They didn't leave because they're bad, it's because I am. I'm bad at staying in touch with people. 

What if some of them are dead? What if some of them are saying bad things about me behind my back? It haunts me because I'll never know the answers. 

I miss people, ugh. :'( 

What if I just continue to make new posts until I freaking die one day? Would more than two people even notice that I would have quit blogging then? 

Gosh idk anymore. 

People used to comment saying how much they loved this blog. People used to tell me I'm loved and that they love me. But oh, where are they now? Not here. 

Thanks for outgrowing me and my blog. Even though I'm older than you. Thanks for making the concept of me a part of your past. Thanks a lot. I'm totally not hurt by that. I'm totally over that. I'm totally not broken by that. I'm totally not ruined by that. I'm fine. 

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. 

NO!!!!! 

I thought you genuinely called me your friend. But what do you do? Leave and ditch this place? Haha ok. By that point, I already said I have trust issues and have close to literally no friends. Did you not understand something I said? Did you forget what you typed and commented? Did you just forget about me? Am I just your cringy past? 

Do I mean nothing to you? 

(*you = people who constantly commented on my blog over a year ago and haven't commented in the past year at least once) 

Would anyone besides my family genuinely care and be affected if I die? If I leave and don't come back? If I become a tragic real life cryptid? 

Am I too much? Am I not enough? How am I both? Too stubborn. Too pathetic. Too much of a complainer. Too addicted to my phone and to my story and my characters. Not doing enough. Not trying hard enough. Not appealing enough. Not good enough. 

It's autumn yet here I am sweating and feeling too warm. My head hurts. My stomach and chest kinda hurt too. 

I'm so dramatic in my posts on here. XD gross eww blegh... 

Another thing that haunts me is that I know that people that repeatedly straight-on or passively hurt me in my younger school days are seen as good and successful people. Nobody but me remembers certain details. Sorry I can't un-forget some things. It could be nearly ten years, but I still have memories. 

Maybe I'm just using those things as excuses for why I'm such an effed up excuse of a person who should be more happy and grateful. 

They don't remember anymore. But I still do. I still do. And it's still tearing me apart and killing me. 

I'm such a cringy person. Such an embarrassment. I know people have let it go, but I can't do that. 

Venting by writing down everything on your mind is supposed to help? How is this helping? I don't feel any better about myself. I still dread being alive nowadays. I'm still figuratively drowning in my own demise. 

The only time venting helps is when I look back at my old vents from over half a year ago. And then I laugh at how stupid all those vents are. And how I'm still living despite it all. 

Even if someone tells me that it's okay to have feelings and that it's going to get better and okay at some point, I'll just start crying out of nowhere. 

Crying.. how embarrassing. Geez Cutepups, you're way too sensitive. Thanks, that's the only stable part of my personality. 

I'm already hated and seen as a burden by a bunch of people. Please don't be another person like that. But also don't lie and bs what you tell me. 

I really do think that everyone who knows me hates me a whole damn lot. And that they think and hope I don't know that.

Yeah heh oops. I'm definitely not looking forward to any day this week. Can't even look forward to the weekend. 

That holiday.. fasting day. Yeah that important thing. Well, shouldn't be that hard since I skip meals a lot as it is already. I don't get that hungry anymore either. So eh. Maybe that's a perk, idk. 

There are no perks. Don't be fooled. 

I really have to cleanse myself of my filthy existence. I have to get rid of these sins. :-) 

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xx xx xx 

Bye.