Change, huh? Oh..

Oh.. yeah that. Change, huh?

I changed a lot (for the worst), haven't I?

Definitely.

-----------

I went on AJ today, and I didn't get a diamond in the Daily Spin. *gasp*

I got 100 gems instead.

I was going to take a screenshot, but I wasn't in time to take the screenshot.

AJ was being very slow in the Daily Spin, but when the numbers appeared in those boxes/bubbles it disappeared very fast.

Yeah.

----------

The time gadget seems to be glitching on my tech devices.

It's annoying me.

I might have to remove it.

---------

Today has been more "fun" than yesterday.

At least better than a blood and urine test.

Went shopping and got new clothes and sneakers.

I drove there. Haha.

That's all that happened.

My life is boring.

No activity is that much fun to me anymore.

Nowhere irl is fun.

Maybe for an hour or so it is, but not after that.

Then it's back to the same sad, boring life.

Every day is the same. They just seem to blur into each other.

The only thing that differentiates each day is if I go out somewhere or not.

It's just the same old, same old.

Nothing's that interesting, that's all.

What is "fun", anyway?

------------

Yet I still find certain things funny.

I still laugh.

I still have a good time.

Whatever that means.

But life.. life..

It's a dread.

It's the same old, same old.

Days are the same for the most part. The only difference being the dates.

Years aren't much different. They're just longer.

School for 10 out of those 12 months. Summer break for the remaining 2.

Not enjoying yourself and having fun like you're supposed to during summer break. The limited amount of time for a break. And still feeling bored and all those negative emotions like you did during the school year.

The dread lasts year round. And it's going to going to continue into the next year. And the next.

Will it end? Who knows.

I doubt it.

What's the point?

Is there even a point?

I'm not that sure.

All I know is that I sure feel like I'm wasting my life.

Feelings are.. not good.

---------

I was reading my posts on August 31st from last year.

A whole lot has changed.

I brought up change.

Things sure did change.

I didn't expect I would've come to where I am now. That's for sure, haha.

Didn't know I would grow to dread life and enjoy it less.

Wow.

My head and legs hurt.

Ugh.

I also made a skit. About school with those characters of mine.

That was nice.

The past is far nicer than now.

---------

It's hard.

It's hard to be positive and happy, when you're really not.

When nothing in life is much truthfully fun, it's hard to be a fun person.

No activities bring me much enjoyment anymore.

Watching something and listening to music, sure. Guess I like doing those things.

But I want to go do something myself that brings me enjoyment. Something that's fun. Not just another thing to do that doesn't leave much of an effect since every day is mostly the same boring, unhappy cycle.

Nothing I do irl is working.

I hate my art and writings. I'm disgusted by them. I can't even bother to finish them.

I'm not motivated to do much of anything, let alone practice. Practice only to have the same gross results.

I read my skits and embarrass myself over my humor.

I can't help viewing them as stupid and childish/immature now.

I regret a lot of things I've done and been doing.

I keep on regretting things.

But part of me wants to make more skits.

But with who?

But why?

What's the point?

Will anyone even care?

What's the purpose of doing so?

Why bother with me?

I have no ideas that can be entertaining.

I'm not an entertaining blogger anymore.

I can't bother making myself be that way again.

I've let you guys down.

I'm sorry.

It's my fault.

My bad.

-----------

It was a lie.

Wasn't it?

That's not going to really happen.

Isn't it?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Not like doing that would make a change, anyway.

-----------

Happiness is a foreign concept when you're weighted down by other emotions such as:

Fear.

Fear of the future because you're well aware that nothing is going to get easier.

Fear of life in general, basically.

Guilt.

Guilt of things you've said in the past and the ways you worded them.

Guilt of not finishing the huge amount of summer work you have to do for school, and while school is just around the corner. Starting real soon. I have the same math teacher I had freshman year. Don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I hated math class freshman year far more than sophomore year. And great, it's algebra again. Frick.

Apathy.

Not caring much about important things you have to do as much as you used to. Same about people's feelings.

Not being interested in doing any activity yourself.

Tired.

Sleeping for lots of hours at night with the additional afternoon naps, yet still feeling tired.

Tired for being out for too long. Or even staying home and doing just about nothing.

And tired of how you're living your life.

Disappointment, despair, and sadness are the other ones.

The reasons for them relate to the reasons I listed in those other emotions.

It gets difficult to be energetic and happy and !!!!! like I used to be. Especially when I have so much of these emotions.

----------

Sorry.

I'm so scared.

Life isn't gonna be any easier.

It's only gonna be harder from here.

I'm too sick to even pretend to be happy all day long to type up a post. 

It's my fault.

I made myself come this way.

Sorry.

------------

that feel when

Hey guys.

Eh, I'm just gonna type about my day. Kinda?

But before that, I don't know if I said this yet. Anyway, August has been a better month than July. It's not been as bad as late month. With things going on irl. So yeah, I appreciate that.

Ok so this morning.. heck.

That feel when.....

My mom said we were going to do something fun today.

Guess what we ended up doing?

:')"

I ended up having to get a blood test.

Mom lied. The heck!

I hate blood tests. It's just.. ugh. At least the woman was nice and calm. It was also at a new place than the place I used to go to. Nice, oversharing as usual.

But no, that wasn't the part I hated the most. I also had to do that pee-in-the-damn-cup test.

Now that.. that is what I hate doing so much like omg it fills me with rage.

I know it's important and all, but I just hate having to take urine samples. It's so frustrating how they tell me to pee in a cup when I don't even have to pee.

So that was so much fun, mom. Thanks! :))

Well actually we did end up going to Dunkin Donuts afterwards. I got a bagel because I like bagels there.

That's the closest thing to "fun" we did all day. By that I mean go outside and go somewhere else and not the house.

Oh yeah. The summer reading book I'm reading is confusing. It starts with it being in 3rd POV then it suddenly changes to 1st POV. It started being like it was a fictional story, but as it continued I don't know if it's a memoir or something like that. The book doesn't even have a description about it.

Ah, haha, someone voted for the option that's about why I'm not funny anymore.

Nice.

New polls + rambling

Hey there. :) I haven't been able to breathe out of one of my nostrils all day. It's annoying. :(

I have not one, but two, new polls up. Both are pretty lame, but oh well.

*cough* please vote *cough*

Oh and I have another question. (Haha!!)

Is anyone else a sensitive shiz frick unstable wreck that when in public and you see people looking at you/in your direction, you automatically think they're judging you negatively/hate you?

Or is that just a me thing? :') ha ha ha aaaaa

Maybe it's because I tend to have an ugly appearance? #actually_ugly (i hate my hair why hair stop it)

But like, when I'm on the internet (wow that place exhausts me ohh boyy) and see people saying they're ugly on their selfies, my reaction is ????????. Because those people actually do look good. They're cute, handsome.. whatever. Like they look nice. Yet they say they're ugly? Like no, my dude, I'm ugly. You're not. I'm a literal mess of a human mess. I am trash and I live in the trash. I'm one with the trash. If I take a selfie of myself right now, I bet people will think "wow ugh lee :/". Because I'm not a liar like the rest of them freaking 13-15 year olds.

So like I was saying, I recently have this mindset that when strangers look at me, they must hate me.

Well, not even just looking. Like I could be driving, and other drivers would honk at me for "going too slow" even though I'm going under 5 mph under the speed limit. For example, the speed limit is 40, and I drive at 37 mph for a minute or two. Then the drivers in their cars behind me decide to honk at me. The world is cruel ok no wonder I have a general disliking for most people. Ok, ok. Like if someone is honking at me, and it is directed at me, I automatically feel like that person must hate me.

Oh yeah, didn't I tell you guys I have a pretty gosh darn low self-esteem and self-confidence? Well, I do. That's me. Oh, what an unfortunate being.

Here, have another two stories. *cries* rip

A few weeks ago, I was at Costco. And I was standing by my family's shopping cart. But there was also this other person's shopping cart close to where I was standing. So then since I'm me, I zoned out for a few seconds. Like I said, I was just standing there. Then I see the man walk toward me and his shopping cart with a look that's like "hey this is mine go away", and he pushes his shopping cart away from me in a hurry. How rude, I was just looking at what was in the cart for a second. Geez.. :/

Yesterday, I also went food shopping. And I'm standing with the shopping cart next to my dad who takes a while to pick the yogurts (yogurt?). And there's this girl around my age also picking yogurts next to us. And as she was putting the sixth yogurt in her cart, she looked at me for a second and (idk if it's just my crappy brain lol) said "sick" (probably just said "six" though lol). Then she said something like "gotta go" or something and left in a rush too.

Smh, some people can be so rude. No wonder why I'm cautious around new people. Haha, it's more than just shyness.. or is it? Heck, like I know!

It's kinda the same online. But in a different way, if that makes sense? Like whenever I post anything, I can't help feeling that people out there reading my posts hate me. Like ok, I know I've said and done bad things on here in the past. So maybe that's a reason why someone could hate me? But I hate myself for saying that stuff too. I'm trying to change and be a better person (though I'm a pessimist with self-related issues). Ugh, I can't help feeling that I still have viewers who have grudges against me for stuff I've said in the past. Sorry..

And honestly, all kindness seems artificial. It feels like people who are nice to me only view my blog once in a while, so they don't really know me that well.

And on the other hand, sometimes things happen with people and myself. People online, people irl. Both. And bad things happen between said person and I, and sometimes the things get so bad that it has caused me to cry, have a mental breakdown, and have trust issues with said person for a while. And when the bad things settle down and they seem happy around me again.. well, it's not gonna be the same as before. Being hurt that much by people, and then they're nice to me after they've hurt me a few days ago.. honestly, it feels like their happiness around me must be a lie. That I'm a burden around them, but they refuse to say that because they know I'm a sensitive person. Being played with emotionally so many times like a freaking toy, it's hard to be comfortable and not be scared of them to some degree.

It has messed me up. Being mean to me one day, and nice to me the next. What's real??

Not literally all the time, but ever since I was a little kid other people have been this way about me.

Sorry ugh.. had to get that off my chest. ,,,,,,,,

And about that poll, it honestly still shocks me that people acknowledge my existence. Only a few do, but still. It's surprising. People other than myself view my blog. Maybe they even leave comments. It's just.. wow, I'm not invisible then! And getting messages and being asked to join group things, it's just so unusual to me. Because irl people don't do those things with me. I'm a loner type of person. It's just so thrilling and exciting getting messages from people other than my family members, that seeing any message for me makes me so happy. It's different knowing that I'm not being ignored on purpose online. My life away from these internet things have been quite the opposite. I've always lacked a sense of true belonging in a group of people. So being invited and belonging and feeling welcomed in a friend group thing really does mean a lot to me.

Yeah.. me.. ha ha ;;

Getting any positive attention is always exciting for me. And since I'm kinda not used to it, I'm always awkward and it might take me a little while for me to say something.

So that's some Cutepups facts for you guys.

Yay.

<3

rip posting ideas

Hi there, kiddos. It's me again.

I don't know what to blog about most days. That's why I've been posting less (ish?).

Eh, I'll just go on about my day yesterday.

Ok.

I drove the other car my family has for the first time yesterday.

Uh.. driving. Cool. .......

Watched some YouTube and Netflix. Nice, nice.

Regretted around 75% of my past self, including every post I've ever written on here.

Oh yeah. My dreams from last night weren't as bad. They still sucked though. I didn't like them either.. of course.

I still gotta do that tag. Yeah, I got tagged. In a tag. Pretty nice until you read the questions and can't decide how to answer.

Man, that's so fun.

I think you guys think (typing this confused me for a second) that I love suffering. But I really don't. It's not fun. It really isn't.

A lot of people are in school already or are even starting it later today. Like, my dude, school's tough. Life is rough. Lots of things suck. But some things don't suck as much. You'll be okay. It'll be okay.

*tries to be motivational and a good person for once but is bad at doing so*

I'm sorry.

Anyway, I'll end this post with a photo I took a few minutes ago. A good ol' 1 am photo with crap editing (the stickers).

Little paws (so smol, so precious) of my Thelma cat (her name is Thelma)

I'm a person (look I have fingers.. lol wow what a shocker)

She's 4 years old (just a very old kitten that refused to grow up)

Paws and toe beans (cutie patootie)

: )

cackles

Hi. I'm the worst. <3

On other sites, you might know that I go by the most uncreative name ever, Blue. And since I'm a total loser, I like to call myself the snazzy name, Blueser. Because Blue is indeed a loser.

:^) ))))

I can't digital art.. smh. Can't draw a decent stick figure. Surrounded by people all around me (ok not really) making good digital art. And I contribute by drawing an awful circle. Somewhere else online, I saw this 8 year old (?) drawing good digital art.

 Aw yes, rip me. //dies lolllllllllllllIIIIIIIIII111111111

But I went on AJ today and drew a little something. I used a sketch layer first. Wowie!!

But before I go into that, I was scrolling through old posts on this other blog. And I saw this comment. I started cracking up when I read it. It's so true. Omg that's 14 year old me, everybody. Freshman year me and me now are the same when it comes to thoughts about school. *claps for self*

If you can't read what my old comment says, it says, "High school sucks. Basically, almost everyone is a complete jerk and stuff. Ya. :/"

Like, man, that's so true. Still relevant. 

I find 99% of my comments from early 2015 or earlier cringy af, but omg I love this comment. 

 Guess which blog I commented this on, and you get a prize of nothing. But if you find the exact post where this comment is on, and you.. also get nothing. Please participate!!

Anyway, I freaking hate my hair. I hate hair. It's so annoying and ugly af because I'm ugly af which is one reason out of like a gazillion why I'm the worst and a Blueser (Blue the Loser). <3

Like I look way more cruddy irl than that profile pic that's supposed to resemble me but actually doesn't. 

The bad dreams never end. rip me rip me tear me apart to pieces ////

Ok so yes, I went on AJ today. And omg what is this??

Another diamond in the Daily Spin! (oh snap)

I keep on getting diamonds. AJ loves me by lowkey bribing me to buy a membership. 

But AJ, I'm gonna be a mcfrickin' junior in high school hell. I've got no time for silly fun and games. Not at all! I must suffer 24-7, you see! Fu'eck!!

I see the younger (lmao who am I kidding everyone is younger.. I think? idfk) bloggers posting about how they're starting high school (oh those poor souls), and are quitting their blogs or not posting much anymore. And me, two years in hell, still posts and effs up consistently on my dandy blog dump. 

I'm such a bad person. Omg look at me. Ha ha ha ha fu'eck fuuuuuuuuuuu NNY BLOGGING TIMES!!!!!!!

I'll say what I want. Thanks. <3 i probably will get anxious and think i will get criticizing comments for typing some words in my way but they're not even spelled right

Oh right.. AJ. I drew this piece of shi- I mean in the paint studio program. I bought the Diamond Shop Peck easel, so now I can draw in my trashcan of a den. Wowie!!

It kinda looks like a goddamn Sims character or a Mii. 

The background looks nice and ugly at the same time. So does that boy (oh shi- whaddup). And like I said, I'm terrible at digital art so of course the anatomy and such is going to be completely off. I drew this with a mouse.

Such a gorgeous frame.. too bad I can't get it and my own freaking art because I'm a nonmember.

You're all better than me. Ok, end of discussion. I have other things to do. 

yeah yeah yeah !!!!!

back i guess

Hi, hello, hey. I'm Cutepups. What a weird name, am I right?

Whelp, I'm back home. It's so frustrating when motels and hotels say they have "free wifi" but then the wifi doesn't even work. Jeez, that's not cool. My dude, you're so rude. Lying about wifi. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Even though most of my life is me being constantly online, I feel better when I'm not on nearly as much. It's like a break from stressful things that I shouldn't care about. Haha.

I was going to post this sooner, but due to no wifi for the most part, I couldn't until now. So anyway, that previous post was somewhat a joke. I wasn't being 100% serious. Not all of it was a joke, by the way. Sorry if I confused anyone. Please don't hate me even more now.

I might make a proper post of school tips some day, but that day isn't today. To be honest, if I was to post tips about anything, I bet it would be tips people already know. I'm an uncreative person in the long-run.

I'm really not looking forward to school. I start pretty late this year. The 8th is my first day back. The school year always has to start on a Thursday for the whole classes and schedule stuff probably.

Oh yeah. As we were going to the place we had to go, we had some car trouble. It was unfortunate. It's fixed now, hopefully. The car is a total mess though.

Ok but does anyone know how to stop having disturbing dreams that are ridiculous and semi-realistic? I seem to have dreams every night, but the dreams are always stressful and, well, bad. Like I just want to have calm and peaceful dreams. I miss those.

I bet it's because of my thoughts. Huehuehueheck.

I word everything badly, I know that already. Ok? Ok.

I'm constantly uncomfortable/feel awkward. And guilt and more stress has been added to the mix bag of my emotions.

Might take a break sooner or later. I'll be fine.

Anyone else regret everything you say and do (or not) in a conversation? Because when any conversation is over, my brain decides to replay every awkward and bad thing that happened that's involving me and the other people. Ugh why me.

I feel too gross to type anything else, so have a nice rest of your day.

"nice rest"

I wish..

Good luck with your life even though I find life not as good anymore!!

Cutepups Positivity Tip: Don't be a trashy person like me who likes to think of death in a bad way every day for no reason at all except to suffer!! :^)

I love you my frens!! <3

School related (kill me)

Hello. What a dandy post title. :^)

I'm too lazy to type anything differently, so I'll just copy-and-paste from my deviantart. <3

. . . . . . . .

Most days this summer I've been feeling pathetic and hopeless and all those good what-the-hell-are-positive-feelings-because-those-don't-last-very-long. 

In a few weeks, school starts for me. 11th grade. The most stressful year. Well, I got my class schedule today. 

Ok so I never had many friends in real life or online. Thus I'm seen as being a friendless loser in my school. Probably. So anyway, I do know a handful of nice classmates. But since most of them saying they would stay in touch with me only left me for better people, I tend to have trust issues regarding friends. Anyway, I only have one school friend who actually tries to keep in touch with me. 

All summer we've been hoping to get in the same classes (at least one) for this upcoming school year. Unlike last year where we weren't. And guess what? We don't share a single class (well, at the same time I mean) yet again this year.

So that's great. Fantastic. Haha, what's there to look forward to now? Everything in life just makes me more and more hopeless. Woohoo. 

I don't just make new friends. Nope, that's a foreign concept to me. Besides, whenever I tried to reach out and make new friends last year, none of them wanted to be my friend anyways. Except for a few who kinda are friends who just don't bother to check or care about me at all. 

All I'm saying is I hope I have some of those nice classmates and kinda friends in my classes. 

I need something good to look forward to. The only thing that I'm looking forward to is around Christmas time. And that's too far away. I need something now. This year, summer especially, sucked. 

. . . . . . . .

EDIT: That one friend and I checked some things and apparently we share the same lunch times. (There are different lunch times at my school.). So hopefully we can see each other in school after all. 

Yet again another thing of positivity has been ruined.

Wow, wow.. another broken record! Wow, wow!

If you didn't already know, I'm an old person (aka a middle-aged teenager) who doesn't like anything except rotting myself away by going online. I hate everything else.

I'm so full of positivity! :^) Not.

I'm gonna be an upperclassman. 11th grade. The most stressful year on the whole k-12 school system thing.

Shut up it's true. 11th grade is the year with the most work. Oh and then starting all that college prep stuff.

Yay, yay, yay!!! //shot

Now let's get RIGHT into the NEWS!!!!! (omg dammit a Keemstar reference wtf kms)

Since I'll be crying in the pile of schoolwork (got honors/AP classes too) I'll be getting once school starts for me, I probably won't be posting every day. I mean I don't already, but it's gonna be more infrequent posts during the school year.

Haha yeah, I know godamnit. I broke that promise two years in a row. Saying I would be posting less during the school years. But I'm trying to actually mean it this time.

Oh yeah. So if you didn't know I have some level of anxiety which is obvious in any new situation. But I'm more dead inside nowadays, so it might be different. And just about every member of my family (especially my grandma, her too) is yelling at me saying I BETTER JOIN A CLUB THIS YEAR OMG!!!!.

Which, in turn, means even less posting time.

But don't worry yet. My school year doesn't start until the beginning-ish of September.

I also am nowhere close to finishing my summer assignments.

Procrastinating is torture, but do I ever learn? Nope. :^)

Now it's time for Cutepups School Tips (not really that at all but still read on pls ily).

Sixth grade sucks. Seventh grade sucks. Eighth grade sucks. Ninth grade sucks. Tenth grade sucks. Every year sucks. Don't be fooled youngsters, hope is just a conspiracy theory. It isn't real.

But ok. Tenth grade was actually kinda better than ninth grade. Come on now, any grade higher than ninth grade freshman year is at least somewhat better.

I actually kinda liked tenth grade. Somewhat.

But seventh grade? Omg that year was the worst! Sixth grade was also terrible. But seventh grade was very bad.

Getting verbally bullied/harassed/teased almost every day in seventh grade was so much fun. So. Much. Fun. !!!!!!! :^)

I actually kinda liked my math teacher that year though. Some others too, honestly.

But not all of them.

The only good thing I remember from way back then was how I actually had some irl friends back then kinda. Now I don't. Oh yeah, also my religious thing. That was so hard but also good too.

But I do ask the question, "Are you there, God? ... Is there even a God? *incoherent screaming*".

Omg I hate that book called "Are you there, God? I'm Margaret" (or something like that) so much. Just no. I swear that book was glorifying periods.

But ok, don't worry. You aren't me, so your school years will probably be fine no matter the grade.

Except if you are me and also had awful experiences related to school in the past.

But since YOU ARE NOT ME, you'll be fine.

Eh, probably.

Ugh, I want to just reveal my name. What "S" actually stands for. But I'm too much of an anxious wreck to do that.

Here's a list of what my name isn't though:
- Sno
- Snow
- Sh¡t
- Sin
- Sinner
- Stella
- Sara/h
- Savage
- Shira
- Snob
- Sherry Wine
- Storm
- Stratosphere
- Soulless
- Sam
- Sally
- Snazzy
- Snickety
- Shiz
- Shaniquwea
- School
- Shrek

Um.. yeah.

In conclusion, I like ice cream.

Bye!!!!!

Diamonds and Bunny Shark

Hey, hi, hello! I fixed the name typo on the music playlist at long last. Typos are embarrassing, y'know?

Some days I don't post because I have nothing interesting to post about. Like, idk, I guess I could have made a post saying I didn't have another scary dream last night. My life is pretty boring most of the time, ok.

I'm going away tomorrow for a few days. This time for taking my brother to college. (He goes pretty far away, ok.)

So, um, I went on AJ today. Ah yes. Animal Jam.

I don't go on AJ every day, but every time I do it seems that I get a diamond in the Daily Spin. AJ must love me since they keep on sending me diamonds. I got 16 when I got that one diamond today, but I spent it on an item. Well, I technically spent two diamonds. So now I have a grand total of 14 diamonds. Yay.

I also currently have Enchanted (my bunny avatar) dressed up as a bloody shark. If you make her lay down (er, sleep), she transforms into a land shark. 

In water

Slightly out of water

Haha yeah, this was in Kimbara Outback. The barren wasteland.. heh.

If it seems like I'm in a rush, that's because I am. I might make another post soon.

'Later.

jeez

Ok. Um. Hi.

I made a typo on there. I'll change it sooner or later. Not right now though. Ugh, why do I do this.

I kinda really hate myself right now. But, ok, it's for a different reason this time.

Ok so. I slept horribly this morning. Woke up at 4, then 5, then 7. So then it's 8 and I'm awake and yeah whatever. But then since I was still so tired, I fell asleep again. And yeah, woke up at 12.

So here's the thing. I had this dream between 9 and 12, and omg that has got to be one of the most horrifying dreams I ever had.

So basically if I hadn't fallen asleep again, I wouldn't have this effing dream.

And like it took place on September 24th. And the newsreporter guy said the things happened "this past weekend". But like. I didn't even know September 24th is on a weekend. It's a Saturday.

Like, it was like a dystopian dream. There's no humanity. It was sick. Disgusting.

Ok. Very bad.

And in the end, it related to Donald Trump. Yeah weird, huh? Like, he was the one behind all of that stuff.

(singing in my mind: "wake me up wake me up inside; can't wake up; *very loud screaming*")

Um.. heck.

Jfc. I'm typing this out, and now I'm seeing how ridiculous my dream was.

Like, what the heck? Killing everything? Every person (except the people doing the killing since it took place across the world), every animal, every object (clothing, toys, etc.)? That's so rude. How inhumane.

One of the killing centers took place in my parents' bathroom. And I was in my room freaking out. Then one of the killing assistants was in the other upstairs bathroom. So then I kept on trolling him. I stole his balloon. And I stole back my suitcase and dumped out all my clothes into my already messy closet.

I didn't get killed. I was one of the survivors. Weird, huh?

rip brain //

And then the newsreporter (another survivor) showed us other survivors watching the news these gruesome pictures of other survivors. One was a little girl without any limbs.

This dream reminds me of the purge. But not really the purge. I don't even know, man. My dreams are freaking weird.

The day was September 24, 2016. A Saturday. A weekend.

Scary shiz right here. Mmohmygod.

I feel like this could be such a thrilling dystopian story.

I had a less horrifying dream before that one. But I forgot what happened in it.

Anyway, how are you guys doing?

*cries*

rip me

rip

Music :0

Hello! :>

I was on my friend's blog (*cough*) and saw their playlist. Then I remembered I have a playlist too. So then I went to my wikplayer and saw my playlist I made from so many months ago.

Um..

Me: *looks at my old playlist*
Me: Oh man...
Me: So many alternative rock songs (lol the emo edge lowkey!!)
Me: How about I change all the songs entirely...
Me: But still let the lyrics display my come-and-go feelings of sadness and what-are-feelings!
Me: *winks at computer screen*
Computer: *buzzes/breathes loudly*
Me: *puts hand on bottom of computer for some reason*
Me: Omg that's hot!
Me: Oh right, music stuff.
Me: *creates new playlist with no/less emo edge lowkey songs*
Me: Mm, this is my jam. This is my music. My fave.

Yep. New playlist. Full of music. I always make my playlists long. Haha yeah.

I remember that several months ago I tried to put that old playlist onto this blog, but it wouldn't work with the HTML coding stuff. Like it just made my blog glitch for me.

Then I saw that person who had a playlist on their blog. And so, I decided to see if it would work on my blog. And, as of right now, it's working successfully. Yes, a good sign.

I heard the Coldplay and Alessia Clara songs live. Cuz I was at the concert. Good, very good.

I also have to be on my computer more often nowadays. For important stuff. So I decided to create a playlist, too.

Mayday, mayday, this ship is slowly sinking it's already the 20th. Time to focus.

Uh..

How does one stay dedicated to focus and stay concentrated on un-fun tasks?

I forgot how to.

Oh yeah. I added a link to the new page. That friend (*cough*) I was typing about earlier informed me of that site.

Note to self: Avoid panicking and negative-thinking.

Heck.

Have a great rest of your day! <3

heyo

I'm tired (actually tired) right now, so I'm gonna keep this post short.

Ok.

So for these past few days (by that I mean 2-3 days probably) I've been feeling better. Like I'm feeling pretty good. That feeling is good. I like this.

I'm working on these Steven Universe sketches. Yes, more of them. I'm not done sketching all of the characters. Haha yeah.

Ugh, I want to put up a new poll. But I have no questions to ask. Why am I like this, I have no answer.

Umm.. hmm.. here's one of the personality quiz things. Comment below what you get as your result/s. Idk ok entertain me.

http://personality-testing.info/tests/O4TS/

There ugh copy and paste it yourselves

I got melancholic. Because I'm me. Ok that's such a nice explanation.

There's 4 of them: melancholic, phlegmatic, sanguine, and chloeric.

I keep on falling for these personality quizzes. So join me on my wild internet quizzing adventures. Fun, huh? Definitely.

The questions can get to be quite boring. It get it. Same.

See you around then. (O.O)

Wow that's creepy dude

How rude

Smh

the master of ignoring people hates being ignored

*cough cough* that's me ^^ *cough cough*

It's okay, guys. I got my vitamins container opened. It's all good.

They're gummies. Yay. Squishy.

Uh.. oh right. I went parallel parking (for practice, y'know?) today. It's annoying and complicated. So many adjustments. Gotta get close to the curb, gotta get close to it.

I also started watching this show on Netflix called "Stranger Things". I really like what I've watched of it so far. But I did read somewhere that it has caused some people to get migraines. Because of the flashing lights.

When it comes to a certain extent, seeing fast flashing lights cause my eyes and head to hurt. But I'll be fine. If not, then oh well.

Why yes, I do watch things other than cartoons and anime. Which basically are the same thing except one's most likely American and one's Japanese. 

By the way, that show I was just typing about has swearing in it. Watch out, guys. Swear words are such a big deal those words with them letters that are just in fact just that!!

Whelp anyway, I don't think I have any actual viewers that are under 10.

Seriously, I'm a trashcan. Let me speak the language of my people, which is trash.

I'm actually not tired right now. lol wow what a start

It's a good show, ok. Mm, good.

Changing topics completely, let me type about December.

So yeah ok. Last December was.. mm.. bad. It was good too sometimes, I suppose.

Eh, I don't want to get into reasons. But because of what happened, I became pretty bad in late December. So I complained and vented a lot during that time. (lol the edge!!)

Well, what I'm trying to say is that won't happen this year. Because I'll be away on vacation (international.. woo!) in the end of December. Which means I won't be able to post during that time, which in turn, means no vent posts.

Gah, I'm excited. I won't be sad and lonely on New Year's. Yay.

My family likes to talk about it a lot.

But hey, I'll still have to survive school for a few months till then. Junior year is the most stressful year in high school. Gotta get started in preparing for college. The future.. heck.

I'm hoping I get in at least one class with the one school friend I have that still communicates with me sometimes.

Am I ready for school at all right now? Not at all!

Save me. *cough*

I really should follow my own advice. But I end up not following any of it in the end. Hypocritical I am. *cough* the new page *cough*

Well, idk what else to say.

here have a game you fools

Hey guys.

I added more stuff to the Support Page. I've visited and played at least a little bit of all the links under AUDIO and INTERACTIVE.

 Most of the audio ones are sound effects, but some of them, such as the last two, are instrumental music. I intended it to be a calm section that could be used for listening to something while studying, for example.

The interactive section is just made up of interactive things. Like activities you have to do. I wouldn't say all of them are technically games, but it's more than just scrolling through a website.

The other sections are just sites I've found while browsing through the internet that I've visited before. And for the long list of hotlines, I've just found them while on tumblr. I hope none of you guys have to come to a point in your lives where you would have to call one (or more) of those hotlines. Well, I put it up just in case. I love you, friends.

Anyway, I was on another internet site which listed a bunch of computer games. Then I found this weird game about a head. I played it before, but it still surprised me today. It's such a lovely game with Mr. Head.

Play it here: http://jayisgames.com/review/feed-the-head.php

lol how fun!!

Well.. uh.. what else? I'm still sad and stressed over irl things. I keep on feeling like I've been disappointing myself all summer. And school's starting in a few weeks. And, oh man, I'm not looking forward to school this year. It's just gonna be a ton of work, especially this year. Ignore what I said last year and the year before that, this year is for real. Growing up isn't fun, kids. And unlike most kids, I never did have a plan for a future. Well, except when I was six or something and said I would be a mom as my job and liked pigs because they were pink.. I was a different individual smh. Yay me and life.

I'm a mess. ha..ha..heck

Like ok, when someone asks me something like "what's wrong" or "how you're feeling", I don't know what to say. At all. I don't know how to explain anything for shiz. Like how do you explain to another person the feeling of disappointment and fear you have about just living life? And how there's constantly this feeling of pain-but-not-exactly-pain in your stomach so you're never that hungry anymore. Like, what? ???

I don't know, guys. Maybe it's because I didn't have my vitamins yet today. The container wouldn't open with me today. Ugh, so annoying. Sigh.

Everyone else in my family left me at home all day today without telling me anything. They're home now though. But ok yeah that's fine, guys, have fun without me.

Yes ok whatever. I might've made that new page, so I can access all the sites in one place. Heck yeah.

 Um.. I want to possibly help people. Please give me sense of purpose.

About vitamins, my doctor told me I have this deficiency (or something like that?) of Vitamin B-12 or B-6 (yet again, I forgot which exact number it was, maybe it's both, I know it's B though). So I checked up on the symptoms of having a deficiency on them.

Oh boy. Haha, would you look at that. Sure, she might've said it because of a problem in my mouth (I'm a frick ok guys) but having low amounts of those vitamins also have bad mental symptoms. Such as fatigue, confusion, irritably, and depressive like symptoms.

Mm, relatable content.

I'm kinda in a rush now. So, uh, gotta go now. Join me for more suffering later.

:'^)

new page is up

Hey guys. :>

If you haven't noticed already, I've put the page I've been working on into a tab. As of right now, it's called the Support Page.

I know it only has serious info on it so far, but I still have to put in more fun(?) things such as a music/sounds section and an interactive section.

Eh, I want to be of some help to someone. Just in case anyone needs anything from the page.

Um.. on a totally different note.. *cough* I was watching kinda old danisnotonfire and amazingphil YouTube videos till 3 am. Yeah and in one of the comment sections, someone linked to Dan's 12 year old blog. So I visited it and read everything. It was hilarious. :'D

I might edit my Ask page, too.

Precious on AJ

Hi. There are people hammering on the roof which is just above the room where I'm in now. Cool.

Well, I went on AJ today as Precious. I remember way back in the day when I made Precious a crazy marshmallow-obsessed pup. There were so many things wrong with me in the past, I swear...

I decided to take random screenshots of Precious today. XD enjoy!

Awkwardly hopping on Peck's drum

Butt 

Fly, fly away

Excitedly running on a bridge 

Forward

 

Where did she go?! (Gobee knocked her out and hid her behind a pixel bush)

Enough of dens. Let's see Precious try on random items in an attempt to make cute outfits! ;)

Dress Precious

Frog Hat Precious

Turtle Shell Precious

Uh.. I honestly like how she looks with the two back items. Too bad these are members-only items.

Whelp, that concludes this post. Hope you enjoyed!!! XD rawr lel 

oh why

bye

c:

i'm tired and bored ok

Hey. Hi. Hello. :)

This blog has finally accomplished having 25 followers. Sure, over half of the accounts that have followed this blog have gone inactive/the people don't view my blog anymore, but still. 25. Wow, my blog dump of edginess and trash is getting popular! Thank you so much!

♡♡

By the way, I didn't sleep that much last night. I was very tired. But I couldn't sleep. Because of the stupid inconvenience called pain.

So I woke up at 4 am (of course am time). My pets love staring at me when I'm outside my room late at night. Why must they love my suffering.. ;;.

But I had a dream about space and anxiety the other night. The space camp was very stressful, ok.

Ugh, did I ever mention how I hate hot weather? I did? Ok.. yeah, I hate hot weather. It's uncomfortable and sticky.. ew gross.

Haha, I really should stop watching speedpaints. Watching them just remind me how much I'm awful at art. But they're so satisfying to watch.

Frick. Why am I like this.

The camera made the colors in the background of my drawing I featured last post look as if they aren't there. That's terrible quality. Colors looking more faded than they really are.

I was too lazy and an unmotivated piece of garbage to make the sky a darker color. I already was using three colors to color the sky, anyway.

I love how I colored Pearl's hair though, haha.

I'll get to putting stuff on the new page I'm working on soon. I'm a forgetful mess when it comes to things (except the bad times in conversations with people.. ah yeah that). I haven't had the time to check blogging things as much as I used to.

I'm in index card hell. For my summer assignment for this upcoming school year.

So I was researching this healthy drink I have to drink nowadays. It prevents the chance of cancer.. (doesn't save me from stumbling across cancerous stamps on dA.. idk why I'm still so active on there lol *cough*). Seriously that site is a toxic mess. Sometimes I think even more than tumblr. And that's saying something.

The drink also has detoxication of the body. Yes, erase my mind of the toxicity of dA.

It also results in having increased energy. Perhaps that's a reason I didn't waste my afternoon away by napping. *insert a thumbs-up here*

It also results in having mental clarity and mood stability. Perhaps that could be a reason my posts are more positive nowadays. Because now I don't have as intense moodswings from "oh yeah i'm ok my dude" to *person raising their voice to criticize me a few hours ago* "i feel like venting my heart out on my trashy blog lol i die".

The one flavor I had so far tasted like bitter blueberry soda. Bad aftertaste indeed. For me at least.

Haha, it's called Kombucha.

I feel like spamming you guys with stupid personality tests in a post soon. I keep on falling for them.. help. I want to know what you guys get in them. Especially to those who I only communicate with on here.

Don't be surprised if I don't post every day. I have to have time to panic about irl things regarding my sad existence.

//pls love me//

Heck.

~~~~~~~~~~

"It's Over, Isn't It?"

Hello! ^-^'

I've finished it. Yay! :D 

It's tux Pearl from Steven Universe. I like how I drew her. The background though? Not as much. Her right arm looks a little awkward though. 

So yeah. Here's the finished fan-art. 

Oh and here's the wip of it I posted a few posts ago.  http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2016/08/wip.html

Heck yeah, I love the gems in tuxedos. So much. Yes. <3 

By the way, I used a YouTube video for reference. It's the song scene. Yeah don't watch it if you don't want any Steven Universe spoilers. 

Go to 0:29. I drew the scene from that second. Well, I tried my best to. :> 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bye! 

kinda more serious psa

Hi. I'm posting in the afternoon again. Ugh, it is bright and hot. The sun, am I right? Pfft yeah.

I feel like I forgot to put so many songs and albums in my music tag answers. I just put in what first came to my mind.

I'm obsessed with too many songs at once. I'm a disorganized mess. Help.

Anyway, I usually have to leave in the afternoon to go driving. That's why I ended yesterday's post. Because I had to go driving. Yes ok I drive; I'm so old ew gross. So yeah I was driving.

Here's the thing though. Every time I go driving, this one song gets stuck in my head. Kinda sad songs are always stuck in my head. So I'm driving with the song, Car Radio, stuck in my head. Twenty one pilots.. yes. I guess because the title has the word, car, in it? I don't drive with the radio playing.

Wow, I relate so well. So well! *cries*

I'm listening to Car Radio right now lol.

Yes ok ugh. I like the Vessel album slightly more than the Blurryface album. Yeah ok.

Wow, would you look at that. Car Radio is on the Vessel album.

..... *cries ironically again* .....

Blah ugh ok. I really do have serious news.

I doubt anyone will really care. But oh well.

So.. um.. heh. I've been positive (wow, how ironic) these past few days. Yeah, go positivity! It's hard to stay positive though.. ugh. That's why I'm trying to be more funny in my posts. That or art.

Anyway, I went to my doctor the other day. For a regular physical. But this time it was kinda different. Besides the fact the doctor office moved locations. Yeah lol.

So I got this problem. So I had to get this special juice liquid drink. Haha, I drove to the store to get the drink yesterday. So this drink.. wow.

Last year I'm pretty sure I posted about this drink called blueberry soda. Ok it tastes so good (the soda). So this drink I got, it tastes like a combination of blueberry soda and.. um.. bitter liquid medicine.

Yeah, it has a pretty weird taste. It's healthy and different lol.

Now.. I guess this is the psa. ..heck.

So this time I had to fill out this form that was like a mental health form. Never, sometimes, or often were the choices.

So there I was honestly filling out the form. Haha yeah.

Then.. uhm.. I guess I'm doing kinda bad. Then she started asking me about sadness/unhappiness, self-confidence, and aches and pains. And I answered.

So basically, I'm maybe possibly gonna get this help/consult thing in a few weeks. For self-confidence/esteem issues and depression, she said. ..heck.

So.. uhm.. that physical was different. I also got shots. Got some cool superhero bandaids lol.

But ugh ok. Frick. That day (yesterday and so far today too) I actually didn't feel like a piece of crap. Like I felt pretty good? It's like one of those few days when my mood isn't in venting/self-hatred mode.

So yeah. I feel nervous and guilty about it, and like I'm a liar. Ugh thoughts.. frick. I had several bad days in the past few months. I hit rock-bottom quite a few times in July. Haha fun.

Gets sick/reveals too many emotions/gets embarrassed in public with people watching.. brain being all edgy dark overlord like, "*excessive swearing* I hate myself so much and wanna die, pls kms".. like shut up. Just.. just shut up. Having mental breakdowns and heat exhaustion (which is a minor form of heat stroke basically) with people (especially strangers) watching and judging me isn't fun. Mental breakdowns aren't fun ok goddamnit. It's hell.

So I'm trying to be more positive and maybe funny on here. Instead of venting about how much I hate myself (oh my pity) and lowkey want to die. Positivity, yay, good things.

I was such a bad person in the past. Like gosh, past-me, stop. Stop being pitiful. Stop. Just stop. Oh and my god, Twinkle's Story is actually pretty damn ableist in some places. That's gross. What are you doing, 'Pup? Stop. Shut up. Stop being so bad.

The past just makes me cringe. And also haunts me sometimes. Yeah bad stuff.

Now I know better. At least I hope so. How I was talking about mental illness stuff in the past (damn it December) also makes me want to punch past-me in the face.

Past-me disgusts me. Me irl more than online. I feel like I've been more loud and obnoxious online in the past. I know I was. It disgusts me a lot. For irl reasons.. well, that's personal. ..heck.

Hopefully with this chance of help and other stuff, I'll improve. Mood-wise, post-wise, life-wise.

Eh idk. Let's hope for the best. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'll try to spread more love and positivity than hate and negativity.

Hopefully.

 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I want to be a cool kid too

Hi, hi! :>

I saw people doing this tag. I felt like joining in. I want to be a cool kid too.

So yeah, have my trashy answers. :3

1. Taylor Swift in 2013 (Red Tour)

2. Alternative is my favorite music type, yo

3. Uh.. well.. Drown by bring me the horizon is stuck in my head lol 

4. Hmm.. Vessel (twenty one pilots), Night Visions (imagine dragons), Crybaby (melanie martinez).. heck idk I like every song on those albums lol

5. Twenty one pilots (+ those others I listed).. shoot, I also love fall out boy and marina and the diamonds so much.. heck

6. Clarinet but I suck and kinda maybe quit lol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wow, wow! My answers.. oh man.. I answer everything trashy.

lol

oh shoot.

I have proof. I'm on that AJ game.

(I'm on my computer and I can insert images into my posts now.. wow cool!)

I just got two diamonds on the Daily Spin. (omg wow AJ loves me *cries*)

I keep on getting Jam-A-Grams. (omg wow look how popular this sad blue pup girl is)

Omg no way. I was on yesterday. The same two buddies that were on then are online now. It's only them. (psst.. hi!)

I made an emo scene punk kid pet goat lol. 

I also made a red little birb.

I also saw this wonderful croc in the Diamond Shop.

Look at that hotness! 

Umm.. AJ.. excuse me?! How dare they turn my Bronze Felicity lynx statue into a members item! It's just stuck there in my den, and I can't do anything about it. Can't move it, can't take it out of my den.. it's just stuck there. (why aj why)

Look at these green pig balloons. They're supposed to be those evil green pigs from that Angry Birds game. lol yeah

See the similarities? 

lol pfft 

Gotta go. See you! (probably not though cuz I suck)