New polls + rambling

Hey there. :) I haven't been able to breathe out of one of my nostrils all day. It's annoying. :(

I have not one, but two, new polls up. Both are pretty lame, but oh well.

*cough* please vote *cough*

Oh and I have another question. (Haha!!)

Is anyone else a sensitive shiz frick unstable wreck that when in public and you see people looking at you/in your direction, you automatically think they're judging you negatively/hate you?

Or is that just a me thing? :') ha ha ha aaaaa

Maybe it's because I tend to have an ugly appearance? #actually_ugly (i hate my hair why hair stop it)

But like, when I'm on the internet (wow that place exhausts me ohh boyy) and see people saying they're ugly on their selfies, my reaction is ????????. Because those people actually do look good. They're cute, handsome.. whatever. Like they look nice. Yet they say they're ugly? Like no, my dude, I'm ugly. You're not. I'm a literal mess of a human mess. I am trash and I live in the trash. I'm one with the trash. If I take a selfie of myself right now, I bet people will think "wow ugh lee :/". Because I'm not a liar like the rest of them freaking 13-15 year olds.

So like I was saying, I recently have this mindset that when strangers look at me, they must hate me.

Well, not even just looking. Like I could be driving, and other drivers would honk at me for "going too slow" even though I'm going under 5 mph under the speed limit. For example, the speed limit is 40, and I drive at 37 mph for a minute or two. Then the drivers in their cars behind me decide to honk at me. The world is cruel ok no wonder I have a general disliking for most people. Ok, ok. Like if someone is honking at me, and it is directed at me, I automatically feel like that person must hate me.

Oh yeah, didn't I tell you guys I have a pretty gosh darn low self-esteem and self-confidence? Well, I do. That's me. Oh, what an unfortunate being.

Here, have another two stories. *cries* rip

A few weeks ago, I was at Costco. And I was standing by my family's shopping cart. But there was also this other person's shopping cart close to where I was standing. So then since I'm me, I zoned out for a few seconds. Like I said, I was just standing there. Then I see the man walk toward me and his shopping cart with a look that's like "hey this is mine go away", and he pushes his shopping cart away from me in a hurry. How rude, I was just looking at what was in the cart for a second. Geez.. :/

Yesterday, I also went food shopping. And I'm standing with the shopping cart next to my dad who takes a while to pick the yogurts (yogurt?). And there's this girl around my age also picking yogurts next to us. And as she was putting the sixth yogurt in her cart, she looked at me for a second and (idk if it's just my crappy brain lol) said "sick" (probably just said "six" though lol). Then she said something like "gotta go" or something and left in a rush too.

Smh, some people can be so rude. No wonder why I'm cautious around new people. Haha, it's more than just shyness.. or is it? Heck, like I know!

It's kinda the same online. But in a different way, if that makes sense? Like whenever I post anything, I can't help feeling that people out there reading my posts hate me. Like ok, I know I've said and done bad things on here in the past. So maybe that's a reason why someone could hate me? But I hate myself for saying that stuff too. I'm trying to change and be a better person (though I'm a pessimist with self-related issues). Ugh, I can't help feeling that I still have viewers who have grudges against me for stuff I've said in the past. Sorry..

And honestly, all kindness seems artificial. It feels like people who are nice to me only view my blog once in a while, so they don't really know me that well.

And on the other hand, sometimes things happen with people and myself. People online, people irl. Both. And bad things happen between said person and I, and sometimes the things get so bad that it has caused me to cry, have a mental breakdown, and have trust issues with said person for a while. And when the bad things settle down and they seem happy around me again.. well, it's not gonna be the same as before. Being hurt that much by people, and then they're nice to me after they've hurt me a few days ago.. honestly, it feels like their happiness around me must be a lie. That I'm a burden around them, but they refuse to say that because they know I'm a sensitive person. Being played with emotionally so many times like a freaking toy, it's hard to be comfortable and not be scared of them to some degree.

It has messed me up. Being mean to me one day, and nice to me the next. What's real??

Not literally all the time, but ever since I was a little kid other people have been this way about me.

Sorry ugh.. had to get that off my chest. ,,,,,,,,

And about that poll, it honestly still shocks me that people acknowledge my existence. Only a few do, but still. It's surprising. People other than myself view my blog. Maybe they even leave comments. It's just.. wow, I'm not invisible then! And getting messages and being asked to join group things, it's just so unusual to me. Because irl people don't do those things with me. I'm a loner type of person. It's just so thrilling and exciting getting messages from people other than my family members, that seeing any message for me makes me so happy. It's different knowing that I'm not being ignored on purpose online. My life away from these internet things have been quite the opposite. I've always lacked a sense of true belonging in a group of people. So being invited and belonging and feeling welcomed in a friend group thing really does mean a lot to me.

Yeah.. me.. ha ha ;;

Getting any positive attention is always exciting for me. And since I'm kinda not used to it, I'm always awkward and it might take me a little while for me to say something.

So that's some Cutepups facts for you guys.

Yay.

<3