Dreams and Flaws

Hi, hello. Look guys, I have capital letters in the post title. And this isn't a poem post. Wow, ain't that cool.

So, um, yeah. I guess I'll start with dreams.

Most of the time when I sleep at night (like starting at 12:30 am at the earliest lol) and have dreams (that REM sleep action lol), the dreams I have tend to be intense and a little disturbing. And, haha, they're so interesting. I don't remember the one I had from last night. But the one from the night before.. oh man, that was something.

I liked that dream. It was something about an airplane failing, being stuck in this warehouse instead, it raining outside, and then raining inside. And the warehouse had hallways like a tunnel in a way, idk? So I had to go with this group of other teens to see why it was raining inside. It was weird. I forgot the rest of what happened.

But like, I like how dreams are like movies. That play in your own head. It's pretty cool. Like there's action, suspense.. life or death situations a lot of times as well.

Haha, I haven't had a cute plotless dream in so long. I kinda miss those trashy dreams.

Oh.. what if my brain is giving me writing ideas? Is this a sign? Well, on that dream interpretator website, it says that my dreams mean I'm insecure and stuck with things and relationships in my life. And, like, that's the truth. So.. heck.. is this bad? At least I never completely know if I die in my dreams. They always end before I know.

Dreams.. wow. //totally didn't cry and laugh at the same time into a pillow just now//

Anyway, you know my dog. That darn Sunshine. Well, my parents and I had quite the adventure with her today. She had to get her shots. She barks way too much. And loudly. Then she kinda attacked the vet lady. Then they were like, "hell no we're not giving her any shots unless she's sedated", and we were like, "fine bye :/" (not these exact words lol). Then we brought her to a new vet. And they were way more chill. And Sunshine finally got her shots. The whole experience was around two hours long probably. The first vet never gave up on Sunshine before. Like yeah, she's so annoying with her stupid barking. But that vet just gave up on her. And Sunshine's eyes even turned red. In the white areas of the eyes. She had much fury, that dog. No one ever told us to sedate Sunshine before. Mr. Zo, yes. But Sunshine, no. All my pets are kinda not normal. They're just bad and annoying. Very embarrassing. But oh well, we still love them.

So that's Sunshine's flaws, I guess. So onto mine.. kinda.

First off, there's a reason why I put some red areas on my drawing from last post. Scratches and dried up blood lol go figure. Because I'm me and that's me. Sunshine gave me more scratches today. Lol life, huh? Pets' claws leave scratches. Or just, you know, falling on my face. And bleed. That's nice too (ok not really). Or just picking skin in a few places. Because no, I.. shif. I'll just shut up about this. There, I explained something about my drawing that no one else noticed. Nice.. why am I like this? Smh.

Ok, problematic me, time to move on.. to discussing more flaws about my art! *winks*

ew there's an eyelash in my eye why is life lowkey against me

*three minutes later*

Oh yeah, I sometimes wear black eyeliner. I don't do makeup that good though. I'm talentless, don't expect anything of me. That's why there's black around the eyes.

About the eyes, they're not the same size. I seem to have uploaded this darn drawing that lowkey resembles me in different places. All to show off how I can't draw eyes evenly for shiz. And awkward face shape. Ugh.

Don't even start on how I draw noses. How does one draw a human nose, I don't know.

Now when I think of it, the hair looks pretty bad too. I notice all the flaws in my art after I post them online. Wow pfft.

Anyway, it's August now. Uh.. time to cry? Shif shiz fzfzfzfzfzfzfuzzybunny.

It kinda makes me sad. Last year was so much more fun and interesting than this year. Like at this time last year, I was on vacation in that cool state called Maine. And I was complaining about blueberries or something. And this year, I'm complaining about just living life.

I'm having way less fun this year. And being aware of that.. well, I don't like these feelings.

It's like, well, I'm always sad/guilty/mad about something. About how I'm living life, for the most part.

I only end up disappointing people. I want to reach out and make friendships with new people. But, idk, I feel like I'm too awkward and word things too strangely and reply back too slowly. Heck, maybe I'm destined to loneliness. I never was very close with any friend I had irl. But getting close to a certain extent with other people makes me nervous and uncomfortable. Yet I want to be close to a friend. But at the same time, no.

Maybe it's because I kinda have trust issues regarding the subject of friends? But I feel like it's my fault for falling out of touch with them. But I'm too much of a nervous wreck to speak up or anything. Even over text or other types of messaging.

So, um, I say I'm aro-spec. And, apart from never experiencing any romantic attraction, I think I'm that way because of trust issues too. In a way? Like, ok, bad past memories.. mmohmygod. In school especially, a few guys kinda asked me out as a joke. But I never believed any of them anyways cuz they're annoying and, well, :/. Like I know I'm an ugly joke of a person. But like if people think it's a joke to do that kinda thing, then it's hard to believe people. That people love me.. kinda in a way? idk. All this doubt I have lol lots of skepticism.

So I'm like screw it, I don't care about romance. And all these people my age are pretty interested in romance for the most part. And I'm just like, "lol no teen love is meaningless *peace sign*". I'm a lonesome pupper, ok.

And I'm weird for not having crushes on people? Look, ok. I have a disliking for people and don't like being too close with anyone. So, that stuff? Hell no, like I have the time of day for that.

Another thing that annoys me is when I see so many people online talk about how much middle school sucked for them and how high school was way better. Like how they had no friends in middle school, and got lots of friends in high school. Like I know it's supposed to be somewhat motivational, that things get better and all that useless crap. But the opposite happened with me. I highly doubt college will make me happy and think better about myself. When high school started, I lost a whole bunch of friends I was with in middle school. In 10th grade, lost nearly all of them. What's there to look forward in 11th? Losing the rest of them and online friends too? Wow, growing up sure seems like fun. It just means losing people you like. What a life.

Trusting non-family people? Haha, what's the point? Why not just be cold and distant with everyone instead? I think I'll do that. But I'm always here waiting to fall back again to a simpler time.

Um.. been thinking about things. My thoughts are scattered.

Gonna be away this weekend.

Until next post, see you around. I guess.

<3