tired but still pretty good

Hi guys. I've posted every day so far this week. Nice.

Well, not Sunday. About Sunday, I don't have my SAT class this week. Nice.

There are pet phantoms in AJ now. I'm not sure, so if anyone can tell me that'll be great. So, um, are pet phantoms for all Jammers? Or (tragically) members only? Like ok, I would like to have my own cute phantom pet.

Reminds me of my old story characters too. Like, you know, that dude. Those dudes. Shh..shut up, Cutepups.

Pet phantoms though.

Damn, this song. Uhm.. "Scars" by Boy Epic. It's this song of the week that I've been constantly replaying.

Fffffff, this song reminds me of quite a few of my characters. Heck, why am I still doing this? I can't stop it, gah, I'm sorry.

If anyone still views this blog and knows how cringy I was all those months and years ago, you would know how much I loved saying words like "swag" in my posts. Well, I found out that AJ put in the word "swag" as a new name option for new animals.

There are other new words like "kawaii" and "nosey".

Uhm.. what I'm saying is that reminded me of way back when I wanted to make one of my old characters be known as Duke ____ Swag.

Now let's fill in the blanks. (mmmmm yessssss)

Duke Fiery Swag. Duke Nosey Swag. Duke The Swag. (omfg). Duke emo Swag. Duke kys Swag. Duke fuk Swag.

Mm, names.

Hahahahahahaaaaaaa. I kinda want to redraw them characters. To see how much my art has improved if it has improved at all. But just as human versions. Because, I like human versions better.

When I was coloring my Storm drawing the other day, I got reminded of how they look like this older character of mine. And another one but how that one looks like in human form.

Yeah.. oops.

I've been so tired all day today. I'm as equally tired as I was before I took my nap.

But I don't feel sad and negative. That's good.

I also don't have much homework to do. So that also makes me feel pretty good.

Today has actually been kinda cold. The cold weather's coming. It's fall. It's also been raining nearly all day today.

It's fall. Know what that means? Colorful leaves. Pumpkin things (pumpkin pie, pumpkin ice cream are my faves). Halloween. Thanksgiving. Apple things (apple pie, hot/cold apple cider are my faves). Less bugs. Sweaters. Blankets. Orange color aesthetic.

Aaaaaaah yeah. 

It's almost October. I'm thinking of participating in Inktober this year. For at least a few days in October. Haha yeah, I'm in an artistic mood these days.

For more info on Inktober go here: http://mrjakeparker.com/inktober

Yep.

My school has a pep rally tomorrow. I'm really hoping it won't make me feel like crap afterwards like last year.

This school year has actually been good so far. So I'm pretty happy. Maybe this year will actually be a good one. Honestly, I'm not as sad and stressed about the future and life now than before the year started.

Yeah, that's right. Cutepups who has been hopeless, sad, and such a pessimist nearly every day this past summer now has some amount of hope and doesn't fear the future as much. My future I mean; the US future with all the crap going on with election stuff (America is screwed) is a totally different matter here. I'm still pretty pessimistic but not as much now.

Heck yeah, let's continue this self-improvement. You too. Let's all self-improve. Doing that is good.

Bye guys.

<3

whoaa

Heyo. I'm here again. Nice.

By the way, sorry for posting so much about school. I have nothing else that's happening in my life that I could post about. Besides, posting about school kinda makes me give off the feel that I'm smart and know what I'm doing with my life. Which, spoiler, I don't. *thumbs up* It makes me organized and remember stuff more. Yeah, I'm weird.

Guys, I didn't get a perfect score on that. Haha, no.

But I also took a math quiz. And just like with every algebra quiz or test I take, I bet I failed it.

But.. guys.. I checked my grades and.. uhm.. I got a 95% on it.

Whew, that surprised me. It made my day. Just.. you know.. wow. I accomplished something. Good job, me.

Whelp, might possibly be writing new poems soon. Heck, what if instead of them only being personal and depressing, I make poems based around more broader things too (like social issues.. mm, all the controversy *sips tea*).

I have more quizzes tomorrow and on Friday. Gahhhh.

And then I'm free from school till Wednesday. Ahhhh.

Gotta go now, so goodbye for now.

yayy

Hi, hi! I'm Cutepups and not a complete fail! :'D

I feel so pretty good right now. I'm like. Yes. This feels good.

(Please give me attention and validation when I'm making a post that isn't full of self-pity.)

So I had my first AP test today. (Those kinds of tests are timed and have essays, by the way). For these past few days and especially in the middle of the night, I was worrying a lot about the test. Like my shiz frick brain decides, "heyeyy let's overanalyze life and existence at 3 am. oh and yeah you shiz frick, you have that test tomorrow :^)". And then my stomach lowkey hurts when I'm anxious about things in life. Like, idk, my existence. Ha.. sorry that was a terrible joke. So yeah. Had a test today.

Ok so I was expecting it to be long and with complicated questions. But in reality, it was short and with easy to understand questions. It was fairly easy, honestly. Even the "short essay" wasn't that bad (at least I hope lol).

I already had to do a few essays for the class already. About that, I think I might've been complaining about how my last essay I did for that class was probably the worst. Well, guys, just like a lot of other classmates, I also got a 100 on my essay.

Ah, that's good. My teacher is very chill and nice, too.

Phew, I'm not a failure as of right now. Guys, I'm okay. I'm okay. Wow, I'm not lonely and sad. I'm not lonely, guys.

I've been communicating way more often with that one irl friend of mine who still communicates with me. Like way more. I have a friend, guys. That's pretty awesome.

Oh and since I'm a forgetful piece of trash, I forgot when this other club I signed up for has its first meeting. Thankfully, I got an email for it today. It's tomorrow. And now that one friend has persuaded me to join a third club.

Wow, I'm being social irl. Wow, what a shocker! I think being social is good for my mental health. At least sort of? I haven't been feeling as terrible and at "rock bottom" ever since school started. Yeah, school makes me stressed and all. But not that much so far. Just not as sad and all those crappy symptoms of.. you know.. that thing. Or maybe because I've been taking my vitamins and Kombucha on a regular schedule now. Heh.. well, yeah.

Oh and I don't have school next week on Monday and Tuesday. So yay, another bonus.

I also started working on more drawings after school today. So maybe I'll post another art post soon.

Bye, bye! <3

Drawing Dump

Hi, have a drawing dump. By poor miserable me.

I've been listening to Boy Epic. Great good job. Hhhhhhnfgh. I found more songs to get stuck in my head. So lovely. Nice. 

I'm not going to post as often anymore. Well, not as consistently anymore. Heck, I don't even check my Blogger Dash as often nowadays. 

Joining more school clubs. Gonna try to be actually social. (rip me) 

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. It's gonna be stressful. (rip me) 

So.. ahem.. I'm here to show you guys some crappy drawings I made from at least a month ago to an hour ago. 

Yay. 

Let's start, shall we? 

Ok.. Oh right.

*Warning: drawings might be sad/violent?* 

Heck yeah. 

Oh and language warning? 

I'm such a bad influence. Lmao I'll post them anyway. 

Idk man just don't look at them if you're under 12? Like I would know why someone less than 12 would even look at my miserable blog. The stuff I've posted though.. oh boy. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's a page of Steven Universe sketches. I didn't even finish drawing Ruby (rip Ruby). See, I'm such a bad person. I didn't even include Sapphire or Amethyst after Ruby. Wow, I'm such a disappointment. Heck. Well.. uhm.. I drew (from top left) Steven, Rose Quartz, Pearl, Garnet, and Ruby's head. I drew this almost two months ago and never finished it. Oops. 

Here's one of my sad drawings that I draw when I'm sad and fix up when I'm not as sad. Wow, look at this crap. Heck the heck. I like this one for some reason? Now that I think of it, she looks like the girl I drew in my Heartless drawing. Ha......

And here's a colorful sad drawing. A robot trying to be human? Idk her skin is peeling off. Red blood and gray and black robot colors. Plugged into an outlet. Pastel color gore at the bottom though lmao. Weird looking tears coming out of those eyes. Red eye, green eye. Heck. "Are you even human?" "NO." I think I was repeatedly listening to Gasoline by Halsey while drawing this. Idk man hope you like my weird drawings. 

And I drew this one today. (I said language warning because I wrote F#CK on their neck.. heck). Black nail polish.. heck yeah. There, I drew the bean. Older though. I like how I drew this. The hoodie still annoys me though. Better than before at least. Boy...... hhhnfgh. 

Expect another drawing dump sooner or later. Or never. Idk. 

He be that weather boy. Still unsure on making him/them an alien. Haha, kinda want to draw Halloween drawings with Storm. 

About that.. not sure if it's just a random weekend thought of mine.. but I might do Inktober. Maybe? Some days? 

Yeah lol no promises. 

Bye guys. 

~ Cutepups 

what a time to be alive

Heyo. I forgot to make a second post yesterday. Haha yeah, I know right. I'm such a disappointment.

... i ...

There was just a program on this TV channel. Yeah.. uhm.. it was called "Do You Poop Enough?" It was by a guy named Dr. Ho.

... what a time to be alive ...

Wowie, wow, wow!! Ain't that 1000011/10 blogging content!!

I found that funny. Ok, I'm pathetic. Ok, I get it.

I finally started watching Supernatural. Ha heck yeah.

So anyway, I read this thing the other day. It said that, "people with bad handwriting tend to be more intelligent."

Hahahaaaaa. I have such bad and messy handwriting. It's saying I'm more intelligent. Me. That's funny.

What else..? "Bohemian Rhapsody" (the version by Queen or the version by Panic! At The Disco).. I really like this song too. Hhhhhh love these artists.

Ooh, "Sucker For Pain".. really like this song too. Aaaahhhh.

From the Suicide Squad album.

I'm also thinking of drawing Storm more. Storm's my sad bean character that never had a bad story like my other characters. They're my cool sad bean, ok.

I'm annoyed because I can't get how to draw loose-fitting clothes. Anyone know how to draw hoodies? I never like how mine end out. It's been frustrating me for so many months now.

Or how about a cap? Like a baseball cap?

I've wanted to draw this specific thing for so long now, but every time I draw it, I hate the end results.

If anyone offers me art help for these specific things in particular, then.. um.. I love you, fren! Please be my fren! Ples!

Storm is currently one of my favorite characters. I haven't ruined that character by making a terrible story about them. And, well, they're not too weird like some other ones I have. Erm.. yeah.

Uh, why not. More personal life info. About yours truly (aka this blog author loser).

I don't talk much in school. So when I do, I can hear my own awful high-pitched voice. Like, the heck? I hear myself sounding so high-pitched, and I swear I sound like a 12 year old. I mean when I'm doing partner or group activities. I'm such a baby, I hate this. My life's a pathetic joke, guys.

I have nothing else to add at the moment, so see you guys next time.

Next post could be tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, next week, who knows my dude.

Yeah, bye.

- - - - 

EDIT: I still have this kinda story thing about Storm. It's another old and badly written story piece. Here- http://blueblazingspirit.deviantart.com/art/I-Wish-I-Could-Save-You-595646745 . Haha, another lowkey vent piece by me. I kinda changed some things though. Um.. I think I did this to make Storm a new venting character thingymablobber instead of Duke who's an edgy poop. So yeah. Ok then.  

ayy it's fridayy

Hey. It's Friday. Got a three day weekend. Cool. :^)

Just like with every previous post I made, I apologize for my awful post. I'm sorry.

Kinda about that.. well then. Yesterday I didn't hear anyone ironically say "I'm gonna kill myself" or "_______ or I'll kill myself". That was nice. Today people were saying those things. Ugh.

Uhm.. yesterday was such a long day. I woke up three times in the middle of the night (2, 3, and 4 am yesterday morning). Because I was worrying too much because I didn't finish that darn essay yet. About that, I finished writing it around 6 am. Haha, I have terrible time management skills. And no motivation more than half the time. It really is terrible.

I then took a nap from 4 to 8 pm yesterday. So that could be another pathetic reason why I didn't post. Perhaps.

Yesterday was so tiring and stressful. Ok.

I have a test in the class I had to do that essay for. Heck, it's my AP class. Timed and with an essay. Wow, stressful. And then a math quiz. Ah yes, stress.

I didn't get a headache after my nap yesterday. That and my waist at the front doesn't feel like it's burning today. Woo yes accomplishments.

I had picture day today. I'm very pretty darn sure mine turned out terrible. Because, damn, I look ugly. I fail at my hair. It's long now and so thick. Ugh.

Oh and yesterday in another class I learned that there was this murderer in my town. Ah.. heck. She's in prison now. Duh.

Yeah.. that story was wild.

I'm in a rush right now, so I gotta go. 

Might make another post later.

uffghfgh pain

Hey. I really shouldn't type this today, but I am anyway.

I still have to write an essay. Haha, screw it. I'm gonna type up a post now instead.

So, well, life. School isn't that bad yet. Teachers don't seem that bad so far. Maybe that's some form of hope? But the work.. heh.. doing actual work now. Wow.. school.. wow.

I joined a club today. Maybe the slim chance that if I become more social and busy irl (even though that only stresses me out more), then maybe (just maybe) I'll have more friends and be less sad and depressed.

Haha, what a concept. But hey, I'll be clinging onto any sense of possible hope there is.

Man, I miss feeling happy and not empty when out in public. Man, not being fake is such a concept. Ha, ha.

Heck yeah, I'm still a wreck. Woop.

Weird enough, I think being in certain classes in school (*cough* not math *cough*) gives a very slight bit of hope. I'm still pretty damn hopeless though, don't get me wrong. But hearing your peers not know what they would like to do after high school, it kinda in a way gives me hope. Like it's okay to not know your own future yet. Like, haha yay, I'm not as much of a screw up as I think I am and what my family sometimes thinks I am. Wow, how nice. I also got a 100 on my physics quiz while several other classmates got high 60s. Makes me feel accomplished and less like a complete and utter fail. Nice. So nice.

The downside is I find it harder than ever to stay motivated long enough to start my homework and classwork. And to be concentrated on schoolwork long enough to not be distracted. Distracted by nothing though. So that ties into being unmotivated. It's hard to stay focused and stay concentrated. I'm just ....blank. It takes me a bit longer to finish things compared to other classmates because of this.

Anyone want to validate me by having the same/similar struggles?

.... No? Whatever ok.

Still tired. Nearly all day every day. Morning till night. Always tired. Always up for sleep. But can't. Gotta go to school and do schoolwork and then go home and do more schoolwork.

I'm gonna try to go to sleep earlier. Before midnight. Even if I sleep earlier, I'm still tired the entire day.

Having so much to do but being tired totally sucks. But no what makes it worse?

.... Haha yes, that's right. Pain. :'))

From head to feet in body aches sure is fun. Mm, gotta have those body aches. So. Much. Fun. :'))

I don't even get my freaking goddamn period for another two to three weeks, but does that stop me from having body aches there that are like freaking cramps there now? Nope. It hurts. It's annoying. Heck. Stupid biological female things.

Another thing is when I overthink way too much. And, oh shoot, there's a thought. Then the realization that yes, weight on chest, brain replies with bringing pain there too. There, there pain everywhere. And then not being able to fall asleep for another hour because I can't stop thinking of how this weight is paining me.

Mm, so fun. :'))

Life is quite the ongoing struggle for everyone.

Oh yeah. I went to the mirror last night. And, like, one side of my forehead was just bleeding. I was like wow ok. Life, huh?

Heck yeah, I'm such a wreck. Such a foolish wreck.

Man, oh man, do I hate how so many (so many people, especially girls jfc girls can be so annoying ok but anyone of any gender can be annoying as well) people constantly say, "____________ or I'll kill myself".

Like, ok, you sure about that? Are you really sure?

You're gonna kill yourself because you have to take pages of notes for homework? You're gonna kill yourself because you lost the whole ton of notes you took? You're gonna kill yourself because you didn't get that expensive car you wanted yet?

Just.. people. Ugh.

You're not gonna kill yourself just because of those reasons. Those inconveniences. Jfc. You're just gonna get really upset if those things happened.

Yeah ok shh. I'm talking about specific people I know in my school. Ok, ok.

It's so annoying constantly hearing certain people say they'll "kill themselves" over practically anything that doesn't benefit them. It.. just.. gahh.

Hearing non-suicidal (that you know aren't suicidal) constantly say crap like, "I'm gonna kill myself". Just.. ugh.

People saying those two words while smiling and laughing and as a joke all the freaking time. It.. just.. why.

Heck man, I'll never understand why people like to casually say they're gonna kill themselves when they're enjoying their lives and never had suicidal thoughts.

It.. wow, what a foreign concept.

I know humor is involved. For example, yeah, people can use humor when they say they're suicidal. Like yeah man, humor can be a coping mechanism.

But constantly hearing from the people who clearly don't think about death and have suicidal thoughts "waaaaa i wanna kill myself now haha!!" really makes me hate students at school.

In extremely anxiety-provoking and embarrassing situations, I panic and regret and hate myself to an all time high.

Like when you're already the wreck that you are, and something very bad happens involving you. Yeah, like that. Traumatic things. Things that just happened recently. Things that happened so many years ago that are your own fault but not for all of them. Things that still screw you up and automatically make you hate yourself. Things that your brain just won't let go of those goddamn memories.

In situations like that, I get intrusive thoughts that relate to death and suicide.

Ha, ha, ha........... :'))

For example:

Dad: *yelling, furious* That's bullsh¡t. You're lying. It's your fault. It's your own f**king fault. You're failing your life. What are you gonna do? You have nothing. (blah more negativity blah)

Me: *suddenly is thinking about death and lowkey suicidal thoughts (besides "wow i'm gonna kill myself... ok i'm good") because clearly I have disappointed someone close in my life and I'm a total failure at everything in life and lol not like anything's gonna suddenly change for the better :))))*

I just had a nightmare the other night about him yelling at me and being that way again.

Heck, I'm a wreck.

That's only one example.

Ok. I typed this. Whatever. Screw it. Screw everything.

Bye.

aaaaaaa art

Why yes. Hello, hello. 

Yesterday was good. I actually did nice things. Went to NYC. Again. But this time saw a movie in IMAX. Big screen. It was such a good movie. 

I have picture day this week. And this week I have more acne than usual. Picking skin doesn't make it better, but do I ever stop? Haha, nope. 

Uhm.. my skin feels gross. Heck. Stop. Gross.

I woke up at 3 this morning. I couldn't sleep well. Then I fell asleep again. Sleeping with pain because my body is all, "!!!! body aches" isn't fun. Suffering.. heck. Then I gave up and woke up a little before 5 for school. Which is kinda early for me. Oh and yeah. I go to sleep at midnight every night. 11 is early for me now. Yeah, my sleep schedule is bad. Heck yeah, I'm a wreck. 

I was so tired this morning. And it was raining. But as the school day went on, I became not as tired. 

Ah, ha, these songs. They're giving me feels. They're sad songs. Sad. Always sad. Me. 

These songs are also stuck in my head. 

Aaaaaaaaa :-) ;; 

(I'm on mobile because: I drew my art on my iPad and it's only on my iPad right now; my computer is doing its stupid "updates" crap)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ypjcK9kmfQA 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lsi3OVk4BFw

(Smh, so trashy. They have pictures. Wow, such trash. Ouch, the edge.)

I feel like people think that after they clicked the links. Ha, ha. Ah. 

Anyway, here's an art. I don't hate it as much as ones I've recently made. 

New character person..? Maybe? I want to make her be a creepy violent person. I've only been drawing violent-ish crap for the past few weeks. 

This isn't violent though. Ok yeah. 

I like it even more since it's digital art. And by that, I mean drawn using my finger/s on an iPad. 

I know it's still pretty bad. But it's more of the better drawings I recently drawn. 

Ok? Ok.

Wow, what is this? An avatar/profile pic that has no blue? What is going on? Why what how huh! 

I tried shading her head and neck. Eh, I tried. 

Does she look cute? Heck.

I've kinda been changing my style a bit. Especially with the eyes and necks. The anatomy is still crap though. I know that. 

Her hair bangs are covering up her eyebrows. Ok um yes. 

I don't know what else to add. 

Bye. 

~ C U T E P U P S ~

(What kind of signature is that? You're such a loser. Smh, pfft.)

*coughs* *sneezes* I said bye. 

Friggiden skin. 

C U T E P U P S | I S | A | T R A S H Y | L O S E R | 2 K 0 0 - 2 K 1 6 

guys i arted

That grammar. Wow. 10/10.

I have my SAT class today. I finished the homework I had for it yesterday. I hate it. So much. Gahh.

I'm also gonna be busy (like actually busy) after the class. So, uh, that's cool.

Idk.

Anyway, I drew something digitally (aka on my iPad lol) yesterday. And I got motivated enough to finish it. So I did. It's probably my most recent drawing attempt that I like the most.

I turned part of it into a profile pic. My previous one was bothering me a lot. I've been hating it for a while now. So, you know, new profile pic. Cuz why not.

I kinda want to turn it into a new art character. Starting new things. Productivity. Heh.

I'm thinking of joining club/s soon. At school. School clubs. Heh.

I'll post the full drawing later.

I have more terrible sketches and weird finished drawings in my sketchpad drawing thing.

I kinda want to post my awful art I've been doing from August - September, but at the same time I'm kinda scared to. Lol why me.

I was expecting to get hate on my previous post. Guess not. Um, lol?

Yeah. Well. Gotta leave now.

:-)

Hello. I am rotten trash. And you are..?

... Where'd you go? Is anyone out there? ...

I can't breathe out of my nose. Nostrils. Duh. Yet again.

I feel disgusting. Gross.

You know what? Naps are freaking crap. I found out it's not just me who has this problem. Eh, I'll explain what I mean.

You're tired from school. School is tiring. You have to wake up before 6:30 in the morning. It's too early. Dang it school. You decide to take a nap when you come home from school. You take a nap. Then you wake up 2 hours later. You still haven't done your homework because you're a piece of sh¡t who procrastinates on everything. Literally everything. Seriously. I'm awful. Yeah. You expect to have more energy now that you have napped. But no. No. You wake up from your nap way more tired than before you took the nap. Oh and now you have a headache. And you still have to do your homework.

I found out I'm not the only one who gets more tired and headaches after napping. Wow ok. Naps are evil.

Ugh ok why not. So um. I hate changing for gym. Ok.

My gym locker's at an end. And a whole lot of girls like to pass by my locker. Directly behind me or to my immediate left. So many people. And like. Some of them would do this when they're not even fully dressed. One girl was just casually talking to her friends when she was just in a bra. I'm not sure if she even had underwear on, ok. And like. This is going on close to wear I am with my locker. And people are passing every freaking second it seems. Oh and I'm extremely self-conscious so I change very quickly. And gosh, girls love talking about drama. Everything. So girly.

I kinda hate being a girl. I am one though. Heck.

Like yes. You go do that. Walk around the section of the locker room when you're not even fully dressed. Yeah, go do that. Mm, not like I have my locker and stuff and myself right where you're walking back and forth who knows how many times.

Ha, ha. Ha, ha. I die.

Oh yes. Controversial-ness. Mm.

Girls there like:
- make-up
- dating
- perfume
- scented lotions and related
- shaving a lot
- boobs
- bras
- girly stuff idfk

Yeah. I really, really don't like any of that.

Well ok maybe I do like scented lotions and perfume. But this is going on in a school locker room. I think it's unnecessary. I think a lot of things are unnecessary in life. Actually, come to think of it, human life in general. Like come on now, how come I got to be a human who has human problems like education and taxes and who has many other problems. Humans are basically cucumbers with anxiety. Like, it would be so much better being another animal. Like, idk, a cat. I like cats. My name is Cutepups and I like cats. Fight me.

I never liked and was like *cough* (wowie wow wow!! i'm an old girl now!! much mature!! periods yay!! gotta tell everyone about mine!! everything!! mm!! gotta talk all about them "feminine products" to my gal pals!! mm i'm straight but i also call my gal pals my girl friends!! haha yay!! i can't wait to talk to them and go bra shopping too!! boobs are great!! yay being a girl is great!! girl power!!). :'''-))))))

Ha, ha. Ha, ha. I die, I die.

Yeah, so weird. Right. Like totally. Me, a girl. Not a tomboy. Hates having female hormones with their female hormonal sh¡t. Hates those reproductive organs. Oh yes. Hates bras and boobs. Yes. I'm full of hate. A teen girl who hates boobs. Who is a girl. Wow what a shocker.

:'-))

Ha, ha. Ha, ha. What is identity?

Hmm, idk, a social concept that humans made up with labels and stereotypes? Oh yes. Humanity. Society.

Heck. I'm ranting. Haha, I hate myself.

Ha, ha. Ha, ha.

I'll end this post with a bunch of songs I'm currently replaying.

I'll just link the videos. Because.

(Warning: language, fast-moving/flashy/glitchy, singing fast, implications of depression/suicide)

Yep. :^)

https://youtube.com/watch?v=fM_7Altk-yw

https://youtube.com/watch?v=RG2Gp2RWJBg

https://youtube.com/watch?v=HEaW34tcOvk

https://youtube.com/watch?v=cwd7N4QdFAI

https://youtube.com/watch?v=NjX3omhMR0g

https://youtube.com/watch?v=TfdWpouLNa0

https://youtube.com/watch?v=KKx6v6GJKJY

There, listen to the edgy music. Heck.

<3

~ Cutepups

...

:-)

...

life's pretty ok right now

Hey, Cutepups here with a short post. :>

So, yes, I won't be posting as consistently anymore. I'm busy with school stuff and life in general.

Just as it always has been, if I don't blog some days it doesn't mean I'm feeling happy-ish and it also doesn't mean I'm feeling worse. Sometimes I don't blog because I feel good; sometimes I don't blog because I feel bad. It all really depends on the day.

So, these past few days, life has been pretty okay. Nothing's that bad right now. School isn't that bad and too stressful so far. Teachers seem nice and chill. It's alright.

Except.. well.. math. Haha yeah, I freaking hate algebra. Because, ha, I'm terrible at it. :/

But I'm doing pretty good so far in my other classes.

So yeah, that's a good sign.

Hearing other classmates of mine admit that they don't have any ideas for planning their lives 5-10 years from now is such a comfort to me. Because it makes me feel less alone in the world. I can relate to people. Who are my age. Wow, that's pretty cool. Haha. ^-^'

The only downside is that I'm pretty much a social failure. I can't socialize irl for my life. Haha, I'm such a friendless loner and I'm the one to blame. :<

I don't even have friends (??) in my classes this year. Except, idk, one or two classes. And then we sit at the opposite sides of the classrooms.

Lonely life for me it is. ;^;

Oh and also I've been rereading the majority of my posts from January to April 2016 these past two days. Ha, ha.. um. Yeah, I was.. mm.. bad. Sad. Rad.

Bad and sad forever. Not really rad though. But I feel I'm not as *insert negative emotions junk here* now as I was then.

Or maybe that's because school isn't that stressful and making me feel that awful yet.

Yeah that.

Well, I'll end this post here. Gotta sleep even though successfully falling asleep takes a while.

Yeah, well, bye.

~ Cutepups 

Proper Monday AJ Post

Wow, wow! An AJ post! And on a Monday? Wow, wow! :0

I chose a good week to do this. Haha, what luck.

School wasn't that bad today. Just me being my usual silent and socially awkward self. It's embarrassing when you think you caught someone's attention, but you actually didn't. Haha, that's me. Heck.

I probably won't have much time to type up long posts during weekends. Because, on top of regular homework, I have SAT/ACT prep homework. It's a lot of work. The class yesterday made me feel very stupid since I got a low number of answers correct in the language arts and math sections. Haha, I was so bad on both of those.

So it's basically more schoolwork. Except it's just test prep. So I might possibly not be able to post on weekends as much as I've been doing.

I still gotta finish my homework for tomorrow. Heh.

I don't have pain in my shoulder and neck so far today. Just about every day since school started, I would start feeling pain there in the middle of the school day. But today I don't. Yes, finally, something good and not some gross negative shiz. I also don't feel that tired anymore. For today I mean.

Anyway, I found out I forgot to explore a certain part of the new den. I felt embarrassed that I totally missed it. It's like every time I make a post touring the new(ish) den on AJ, I miss seeing a certain part of the den. I think I did that to a Halloween den..? I forgot the specifics.

So yeah. More Sir Gilbert den pictures. Yay.

Steps leading underground.

The globe lies flat on the floor. Water surrounds it.

Above the underground area. Seeing the top of a waterfall that falls down into the underground area. There's also a tree as you can probably see.

At the end of the underground area, there's this painted glass mural thing of Sir Gilbert possibly controlling the entire world. Wow that's deep. Power.. wow.

You can also walk onto this tree. It's kinda in a heart shape.

A better view of the Mira painted glass mural thing.

The ladder leading up to the highest part of the den building. Wow, there's already a crack in the new den. Pfft.

Now I hope that's the rest of the den. (please)

I also created new pets, haha.

Here we have Robotron. (robot .. tron .. v-voltron *winks at screen at confused viewers* smh not even a lion :/)

Here we have Ghostlime. (green lime stench mmmmm blegh >_<)

Here we have Ghosthopper. (haha another ghost name .. i wanted to name this cute penguin chiefhopper but chief isn't a name option for pets .. why aj why what if i wanted to name my pet after a character from stranger things ): ,,)

Here we have Pookypony. (supposed to be pinky pie from mlp lmao but pinky pie aren't names available either and this is the closest i got to that)

That's it for pets.

It's Monday. Know what that means? *winks at screen*

Heck yeah, it's RIM. I checked other AJ blogs. I didn't see any posts about today's RIM. Haha, what if I'm the first blogger to post about it? That would be kinda funny.

 Especially since I'm like the worst AJ blogger since I don't even blog about it much anymore. Instead of being normal and doing that, I complain about my personal problems and internal conflicts. I'm kinda paranoid that I have people who read my posts who think I'm narcissistic. Haha yeah, I know that too. Anxiety.. so fun it's hell. Like, I'm not sure why people would see me as being narcissistic, but I still think people do. I guess I think so because of what I type about (which has been a lot of negativity ever since December.. I think?) and how I type my sentences (I know I use bad grammar on here lol). I know the world doesn't revolve around me (of course it doesn't.. I'm me for crying out loud look at myself in public irl lmao oops you likely can't though), but I feel like some people get the feeling of that when I type up posts. Heh, just me making a big deal out of nothing. Heck.

Now I'm worrying that what I just typed might be seen as being narcissistic by some viewers. (why thoughts why stop)

(narcissistic as in self-centered.. like obnoxiously self-centered)

So yeah. The RIM. And I'm making a post about it on a week while the RIM is a nonmember item. Nice, nice.

Look, look. It's the RIM. 

I bought the RIM, and here's Precious wearing it. The wristband moves when your avatar (Precious in this case) is standing. That's pretty cool. I zoomed in for this picture.

. . .

You know what? What the heck. I'll give it a try. 

Skit sh!t time!!! ;D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*oh crap how do i do these again --*

. . .

*dude walks into store*

*cashier girl gasps as she sees the one dude in the store*

Cashier Girl: Hey! Hey, no way is that really you? It's Brock, if I'm not mistaken. Right?

Dude: *walks up to place where she is* Um.. yes. That's my name. The stupid nickname I came up with 2 years ago--

Cashier Girl: Ah, no way! Remember me?

Brock: *looks more carefully at cashier girl* Hmm.. no. *cashier girl looks sad and disappointed* Wait, hold on.. you look vaguely familiar. No way.. didn't I used to call you Cashier Girl No Lady? I freaking hate myself from back then, my god was I annoying--

Cashier Girl: Haha, yeah that's me. I haven't seen you in so long. Or the rest of them--

Brock: Moved away for a bit. Don't know about the rest of them either.

Cashier Girl: Man, I miss them so much. The last time I've seen you and the rest of them was in January. And now it's September. 

Brock: Yeah, I miss those days when I was annoying them all. Not at all--

Cashier Girl: This old store had such good business back then. Now this place is a wasteland. I haven't had any customers enter here all day until you showed up. 

Brock: Oh, do you want me to buy something?

Cashier Girl: *takes out RIM from drawer* Here's the RIM for this week. It's just a small flimsy thing, but I don't see the point in making all these extravagant RIMs with business being like this. 

Brock: *takes RIM from her* The colors aren't that bad.

Cashier Girl: Wow, I can't believe I would live to see the day you would say that! *chuckles*

Brock: It's so expensive though. 900 gems, huh? Guess you need the money though. *pays for the RIM*

Cashier Girl: Cool, thanks.

Brock: No problem. 

Cashier Girl: Hey.. uh.. Brock. Can you stay here for a little longer?

Brock: Uh.. sure. 

Cashier Girl: You.. uh.. you don't still have dating fantasies about me, right?

Brock: Oh god no! No, no, no. I just see you as another friend. Just like the rest of them. Maybe. Ugh, I feel bad since I never apologized to any of them for how I was back then.

Cashier Girl: Ah, well, that's good. Yeah...

Brock: *sighs* I miss us.. well, maybe not you.. being at Sparkle's house. Haha, Finny was such a cute nerd with his RIM statistics. Something about equilibrium with the items..? I never understood what he meant. I hope that kid's alright.

Cashier Girl: Sometimes I have these dreams.. I know they're bad, believe me.. that they're not here anymore. Not just out of this part of Jamaa, just not here anymore. 

Brock: What is that supposed to mean?

Cashier Girl: Ok.. well.. I have these dreams that they don't exist anymore. Or that they never actually existed.

Brock: What? That's ridiculous! Of course they existed! You saw them too, come on, they entered the store too sometimes. 

Cashier Girl: They were so ridiculous. Especially how they were in the store. It was kinda.. uh.. very crazy.

Brock: The time back then sure was wild. I'm a totally different person now compared to the atrocity that was me from back then. What if they're totally different people too, and we can't recognize them even if we had the chance?

Cashier Girl: Honestly, I think they're dead.

Brock: Whoa, what?! All of them?!

Cashier Girl: Not too sure. One or two I'm pretty sure of.

Brock: Who?

Cashier Girl: But I think all of them disappeared completely. Just in a different way than death. And I'm not sure if they're really dead either.

Brock: Which one of them?

Cashier Girl: Maybe it was three of them. 

Brock: Was one of them.. you know...

Cashier Girl: Yes.

Brock: Oh...

Cashier Girl: And the other dude too.

Brock: Oh man...

Cashier Girl: And one of the weird colored girls too.

Brock: Oh wow...

Cashier Girl: Wow is right. It's pretty unbelievable to you I'm guessing.

Brock: You bet.

Cashier Girl: In the dreams.. um.. the girl and one of the guys are murdered. By two different people I think. And the other guy.. might've been the killer.. killed himself. 

Brock: Well then. That's some pretty dark stuff you're dreaming about. And if it's the truth... I could never apologize for the past--

Cashier Girl: After that one died, my dreams became unclear. I can't understand anything else. And I have no idea about the rest of them. 

Brock: I.. I...

Cashier Girl: Sorry.. I'm so sorry for bringing this all up.

Brock: Goodbye. *leaves the store*

Cashier Girl: *stares at the door*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's more sad than funny. Oops. 

Ok I really gotta go now.

Bye.

Exploring Sir Gilbert's Den + Other Stuff

Hello. It's Sadurday. Ha, ha.

Why do I feel like everything's my fault, and they always leave me alone all day while they have fun and be happy without me? (lol me ,,)

I had so many dreams last night (I mean this morning). One was another barefoot dream where I was in the car in a store parking lot. Another was about online things. Another was about being in a cabin or museum or something like that. I forgot the rest.

Haha heck. I'm still sad. *finger guns*

*chugs down glass filled with Kombucha drink*

Mm, those B vitamins! *thumbs up*

*coughs because the taste*

. . .

Why am I still tired and sad?

Aw frick.

Am I hated? Probably.

Me: *looking at things (wow, how very specific)*
Me: *sees that something/s has changed*
Me: ...
Me: *thing/s has/have nothing directly to even do with me*
Me: Huh, this has something to do with me.
Me: When did I go wrong?
Me: I'm the worst and people hate me.
Me: *continues to make the worst conclusions*
Me: *reads criticism with anything regarding myself*
Me: ...
Me: They must hate me too.
Me: I must hide things and make my identity somewhat different now.
Me: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Me: Haha, end me.

Oh, was that a typo? Supposed to be Saturday? Sat? Not Sad? Wow, who knew. I have my first SAT class tomorrow morning.

End me.

But like. I feel like every negative thing someone else does has to do with me. I feel like a lot of people who read my posts really can't stand me. Because of what I say. But then I think that must mean they hate me as a person then. But I hate what I say too. But I don't know how to stop and make up an identity where I'm mysterious (no one knows me that well) and a funny positive-thinking blogger.

Sorry I can't make myself post something funny. I don't smile and laugh when people say jokes. And when everyone else is laughing. Nothing irl makes me that excited about life and is funny to me.

I don't have anything funny to even post about. Or include in a skit. Besides, I don't want to use (most? all?) the characters I used in my skits in the past.

I don't express my emotions irl. So in places, like school, I look pretty emotionless. Rarely talks, doesn't hang out with anyone, and doesn't smile and laugh at supposedly "funny" things where everyone else in the room is smiling and/or laughing.

Some things irl do slightly boost my mood though. My parents came home a few hours ago after being gone all day, and they gave me two more cat T-shirts. The cats on the shirts are adorable. I like shirts with cats on them, haha.

So I'm not as sad and having those bad empty feelings as before that.

Ugh, I know. Ok. I know what you guys are probably thinking but never comment. I know. Ok. I know.

In the past, I was annoying on here by always posting funny (but also cringy) AJ (for the most part) things. And then getting obsessed with excitedly posting about songs I recently fell in love with. Wow, I wouldn't shut up about that shiz.

And now I'm annoying because I never shut up about my self-hatred (oh all the negativity). I know I'm annoying. I've always been annoying on here. I annoy me. I always annoy me. Haha, I should just quit and stop everything. Haha, but no. Sorry I'm going to continue to be an ongoing disappointment.

It's like I'm obsessed with posting sad things. Haha, so depressing. Yeah frick.

Man, it's like I can't ever be chill. Like ok, me, just chill. Stop. Just stop.

*finger guns ironically again*

Blah, blah, blah.. AJ!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn't get a diamond in the Daily Spin today.

Here's the majority of the inside of my trashy den. I properly did the clicking for the 6th birthday cake this time. So that's what it looks like. The blue Mira bird holding the 6 candle actually moves. It's pretty cool. I also did the clicking for the 5th birthday cake. So that's what it looks like. Nice.

Now, at long last, onto exploring Sir Gilbert's majestic Diamond Shop den.

Entrance.

Bridge.

Curved staircase.

Red carpet that leads to a stage where a glass painting of Mira is.

More tiger statues guarding the stairs. I think they look cute.

Some nature in the den. A cool green color for the grass. Trees are there too.

On one of the trees.

The top of the den. The top-most balcony? Has a majestic blue flag waving in the made-believe wind. The trees in the distance look pretty.

And that's basically the den. Took pictures of most things in the den (and outside areas). Missed a few minor things though.

Uh.. what else? Well, I'm not sure if I'll have time to type up a post tomorrow. I'm thinking I won't be able to type up posts every day during the school week. For my own sake and health, I'll decide to post only when I have enough time and feel like posting. Which means not definitely all the time. 

Ok? Ok. That's that.

Oh yeah. Guys, I know I sometimes type up a sentence or two in the middle of my posts that seem bitter. Like, I know I do that. I naturally do that. I'm a bad person, sure yeah. I talk short and bitter to people instead of talking "normal" and lengthy. I'm bitter. Ok? Ok. Sorry that's how I am. Such a bad person. Ha, ha. Oops.

Guess that concludes this post. 

these songs are gifts

But before I go into that...

Hello! It's finally the weekend! I've been even more tired than I already had been! I already have an essay due on Monday! And a math quiz that day! Wow! Ugh!

Some days this week I've just been too tired to type up posts. Yeah, sometimes I'm actually not in the best mood to post. I made a journal on my dA last night though. Um.. I also have little interest and motivation to do really anything, and when people also don't comment, it makes me more unmotivated to post things as often. It's hard for me to find the point in doing lots of things nowadays.

Want more cruddy info about my life and mental-related shiz? Then read my dA journal. I'm too lazy and a bad person to rephrase it on here. Oh, you don't know my dA and/or don't have an account? Too bad.

Ok? Ok.

This weather is gross. It's September and it's still between 90 - 110 degrees Fahrenheit. It's too hot for this time of year. Hot weather is gross. Oh and the humidity. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

The kitchen light is working again. Yay. Uh.. still don't feel safe using the toilet in my bathroom, though.

I turned one of the sketches in my sketchpad into this corrupted drawing. It's so creepy weird. I don't even know how to explain it. It's a different type of drawing..? Different color scheme? I might need to put a warning before I post it. Just in case. Because those parts might look like they're blood. A creative type of gore..? Haha yeah.

In real life, well, life isn't that fun and interesting. Life sucks. Ok. It's hard to be happy.

I hate my current profile pic. But I hate my current art even more.

I got my problems. :^)

Anyhow, onto the songs!

I've been feeling (both emotionally and physically) bad and all those other negative words a lot recently. Especially because of things going on irl. That directly affect me.

Bad things have happened. So, of course, I've been feeling like crap.

But to make my days at least a little better, I've found these other songs by Paradise Fears. If you don't already know (not like anyone already knows anyway), the song "Battle Scars" is one of my all-time favorite songs. And, man that song is so beautiful.

Well anyway, I've discovered these two other very short songs that relate to the "Battle Scars" song.

Listening to these songs for the first time was like a cleansing. Like yes, songs totally can give me the will to live.

Yay, freaking, yay.

Here, I'll give some links. Sure, there's a religious aspect in somewhere. But still. Motivational song. Makes me more positive. Life-saver songs.

Intro: https://youtube.com/watch?v=sxP4Xgu3QJU

Reprise: https://youtube.com/watch?v=YI5i8FZihJQ

See? Two very short songs. If you're also feeling down, then I suggest listening to them. There are other songs by them out too.

I love these songs so much. <3

Bye.

gets more bitter as each year passes

Um.. yes.

Gotta keep this post short.

Ok.

I had the rest of my classes today (spanish, history, gym, physics). They were alright. Had to do this one question/one answer ice breaker (that's the word!) for two of the classes. It wasn't that bad.

Overall, today was kinda better than yesterday. The morning before school was better too.

Unfortunately, the classes and room numbers lunch times schedule thing changed. So I don't have the same lunch time with said friend.

Haha, there's me sitting with mutuals. Eh whatever.

I think I posted around this time last year that I felt stupid (I mean I still do, it was because of a lack of honors classes). Well, this year I'm taking honors.

*totally isn't masking a fake identity to fool that I'm somewhat smart*

...... pfftpfsh nah

Wow, last year's goal has been reached. Yay.

Anyway, it's true. It's like I get more bitter and all those unhappy feels as each year passes.

Beginning of freshman year me was so.. uh, no apathy to start. And, well, more energy. And fear (darn you anxiety). My posts were still up best and positive.

Then go on to the beginning of sophomore year me. Still had some sense of caring so much. Not yet apathetic at times. Not as excited for high school; more tired of it. Still made happy posts with energy. But then vented a few days later. Well ok then.

And then there's me now. Apathetic more often; not bothering to care as much for things I should. Tired of school already. Doesn't make happy and energetic posts that much if not at all anymore. Disappointed lots of people. Problematic and suffering in my head due to my cruddy self 24/7. More dead inside than ever before. Finds it harder to smile. Likes to sleep but finds it hard to fall asleep. Also hates naps. Bitter and has no hope for the future and future things. Too socially inept. Just.. there.

Yeah, things have changed.  Yeah..

High school changes people. Ok it does things to you. Bad things.

People in high school being consistently happy. Ha, I don't trust people who are stable mentally and physically throughout high school.

I don't trust a lot of people anymore.

Because, well, the concept that some people are truthfully happy and don't feel like a fail just about 24/7 is so fake to me. Like I just don't understand.

People can still smile and laugh irl? At people's jokes? And just things in general? Wow, what a concept. Another wild concept is actually having friends to talk to. Ha, ha.

Approaching people and talking to them. Like, that's so scary. Social expectations.. scary. Society.. scary.

I always feel hurt either emotionally, physically, or both. Ha, ha.

Gotta go now. Bye.

ugh

Couldn't think of a better post title. Whoops.

My body is aching. All day ache. No break from the pain train.

School just started, and I'm already stressing out so much. These classes. They're gonna be stressful. Especially the advanced ones. And then the other new classes.

And how it's junior year. And, uh, stress. And college preparation stuff. And future plans.

Don't know if I can handle this. I feel sick and stressed already, and it's only been the first day.

I'm pretty much friendless. I have nobody. Ugh, life sucks. Everyone else with their friend groups. Then there's me. Ha, ha. My one friend who actually cares about me enough to message me still ended up not having the same lunch time as me. I swear, we better have the same lunch time tomorrow. Lunch was bad today.

Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh.

Oh and before all that school stuff. Ok so. It's pretty much confirmed that my dad hates me now.

He's been hating me a lot more recently it seems. Well at least he's happier with talking with my siblings than me. Because, like everyone else, they are more successful and overall better people than me.

Meanwhile I'm probably a worthless piece of garbage. It kinda shocks me how I'm alive and this old. Life is scary, and I'm very scared of everything.

Yay for misery! :)) (: ((:

So I woke up real early this morning after less than 5 hours of sleep. I go to my bathroom. And what do I see? The water in the toilet bowl very high  and water pouring onto the floor.

What a nice pleasant morning. Pfft, hell no.

Since the kitchen is underneath my upstairs bathroom, the water somehow leaked into the kitchen ceiling and the table. Oh and the kitchen light is messed up now. Broken perhaps, I don't even know.

So now we have no kitchen table we can eat at and no light.

Oh and the best part? How my dad decides to yell at me (this is going on at 6 something in the morning) and saying it's entirely my fault. Haha, everything's my fault nowadays. I screw up every freaking thing. Ah yes, of course. Of, freaking, course. Yeah it's totally my fault the toilet broke. And ruined part of the kitchen.

*eye twitches* Life is fantastic, and I totally don't want to not exist for a very long time! :)) Oh but that's wrong.

Half of my iPad charger went missing, and my phone charger is just about broken now.

Life is great! :'))

I'm probably not gonna be allowed to get a new charging wire for a while if things are like this. If my parents know my charger barely works anymore, they're gonna enjoy watching me unable to use my phone. They keep on threatening to take my phone away.

Haha, it's not that my entire life and the reasons I live are on my phone and on internet stuff. Ha, ha.

I literally can not picture myself as a "properly functioning" adult. I think that, they think that, pretty much the world thinks that.

That's so great. :'))

Anyway, onto actual school stuff.

So, since I'm not taking band this year, my first block class was somewhere else. My class, language arts class, ended up being in a journalism classroom. And it's not even really a typical classroom. Yeah, weird. Took me forever to find even though it was out in the obvious.

Then I had my two elective classes back to back. Forensics is in the same classroom where my chemistry class was. Ah, those memories.

Oh and the project I've been typing about? It was for my AP elective. Because, you know, gotta trick the college people that I'm smart and took smart people classes. An AP class. Man, that's gonna be tough. Learning all about that art history. Art is cool; art museums are neat. I visit art museums a lot. I like art, history's pretty alright too. So why not. Whatever. Good credits. Smarts.

Gotta put in some advanced classes while I still can. Even though in reality I'm probably the stupidest person there.

I have no level of self-esteem. Yay! (:

Then the day ends with math class. The terrible sequel to the algebra series, Algebra 2.

It's terrible because I hate math with a burning passion. My brain just does not work well with math. So I'm stupid here too. But clarify it as an algebra class? Oh hell no, I definitely hate math a lot more now.

Geometry wasn't that bad honestly. I remember how I was so stressed at the start of last year because of my teacher. But, honestly, I like geometry way more than algebra.

Oh and this year I have the same teacher who taught me Algebra 1.

Is there any hope left for me? I'm getting more and more hopeless as each day passes. :)) 

Obviously, I have the other half of my classes tomorrow. First day of school- part two.

Oh yeah. In none of my classes today did I end up having to do those awkward introductory games. I guess that's a plus. They're kinda fun when other people say stuff, but that feeling of fun gets ruined when I have to say stuff.

Haha, I ruin everything. And how everything's my fault. Wow! (:

I have no hope left that tomorrow will be way better. Maybe slightly better. But not a whole lot. I gave up on expectations like that a long time ago.

Ok I'm so tired of life and everything.  

Sad Pup out!

(That's me. Cutepups is sad. As well as slowly growing to become dead inside.)

:^D