Duke is an otter (jk)

Hi, I feel sad. I'm feeling sad lately. I can't breathe well. Hello. :-) 

I'm a dumb fool.

It's in the single digits, temperature-wise. In other places, it's well below 0 degrees Fahrenheit. Brr, that's cold! 

Anyway, the heating in my room was turned on before and now it's off, and my body feels so warm and I hate this. 

(watch me be sick lmao) 

I can't really breathe. Ah, haha, that's cool. That's fine. I'll just suffer. :'-} 

And like the title says, Duke is an otter. I've finally found the word that vaguely-but-still-not-exactly describes his physical body. 

He's an otter. 

... ok just kidding, relax. 

I mean ottermode. Animal mode- otter. 

... damn, Duke is a lot of animals. Wait, only I understand that reference. shit.. 

But at the same time, not really. It's confusing. I'll attempt to write an explanation of my train of thought. 

More like trains of thoughts. But that doesn't matter. 

I don't know how or why or what came of me to decide this, but anyway.. 

For some reason, I imagine Duke's body type being between "skinny" and "ottermode"- he's a skinny ottermode, if I dare say. 

... wow, I can't breathe out of my nose. haha! great!! 

I just see him as being a skinny guy these days. I'm just thinking of him a few years back in his younger adolescent days, thinking stuff like, "hey, you know what? Duke was a skinny kid. he's small." and then stuff like, "i want to draw ribs in that awkward body position." .... oh and i'm tired and feel like shit right now, so that's what tf is up. 

I don't think this makes sense, but for some reason, I imagine Duke having some visible muscles while being visibly skinny at the same time. And I mean skinny. Do you think this boy eats three proper/healthy meals a day? Like hell he does (he doesn't). 

And I just imagine Fierdan (in Cincernum) being much, much skinnier than Duke and without the muscles that are somehow visible on Duke for some reason. 

But when Duke is locked up in a basement and tortured for a week, he becomes like actually skinny with no visible muscles, and yeah idk how this boy is even alive still. He's living dead, alright. 

Fierdan (Danny) well in story 2 becomes something that looks the most like an ottermode body. And he looks gorgeous and hot damn my man. 

... all my protagonist characters are gorgeous and hot damn, actually. in their own special ways. (uwu) 

... "J" man is so gorgeous too. Like.. I can't.  I wish I could draw him. 

But I can't. Because college. College sucks. I hate this. Kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me--

You know what? Duke and Fierdan are just sacks of flesh and bone. That's it. That's all there is to their characters. 

I also randomly think about how "unmanly" they look sometimes. Like, dang, their faces, their hair,, dang. 

Young teen Duke and young teen Fierdan give me feelings of pain. They're so freaking cute and small.. and suffering so much pain due to violence. :') 

hhhhhhhhh aaaaaaaaaaaaa

hhhhhaaaaaaa

ha!! 

college is killing me and people are getting on my nerves. ok bye. 

~ Cutepups 

tired but full of restlessness

Tired but full of restlessness. Yeah, that describes me. 

Anyway, yes hi. My classes feel like actual legit classes. Full classes this time. No more classes with under ten people this time around. 

I feel like I'm going to be a lot busier this semester. I already have assignments (paragraph papers and readings) due this week. 

This semester feels like an entire different mood than the last one. I don't know how to feel about it yet. 

I could ramble on about other personal stuff, but I don't want to do that. 

I'm a fool. That's all I have to say. 

I'm going to have more exams this time. Heh. 

I haven't been sleeping that well lately. Before coming back to college, I stayed up late because I was getting nervous thoughts about my new classes. Now at college, I have trouble sleeping because.. nothing feels right. The slightest noise people near me make annoys me, and it feels like my ears are catching everything. I hate this. My nose feels itchy, and it's a little hard to breathe when I'm trying to sleep sometimes. I'm just so tired. I hate this. 

I feel like my happiness vanished again. I'm unmotivated and feeling down already. It's only been two days in. 

In the past 12 or so hours, I've been so anxious. Ugh, I can't deal with anything for the life of me. Who am I kidding? Pathetic. 

I don't know if I'll be able to create daily/daily-ish posts for much longer. Enjoy them while it lasts. 

~ Cutepups 

first day of spring semester + Duke in those old drawings

First day of spring semester. Yeah. 

Around this time, I would be going to (or at, depending on the time I finish the post) my third class. But that class got canceled today. 

On the first day. Yeah. 

The professor said she's sick. So, well ok then. 

I also got a different professor for my composition class. Apparently, the class sections got changed, so the original professor is teaching a different class now. ... idk why. 

That's my first class. The second one I have is criminology. Haha yeah, I'm taking that too. 

I still have to order and buy my books for the semester. I'm gonna wait until tomorrow when I have attended the rest of my classes. 

---------

I felt like checking the old pictures I put in the last post. This is what I found out. 

The second picture is of Duke. And it's from an early 2017 post. Wow, I barely remember the beginning of 2017. That was only two years ago, geez, so much happened in my life since then. 

Ok but last year's winter lowkey feels like a lifetime ago to me now. Haha.. aaahh. 

(Oh, I would be in that third class now if it didn't get canceled.) 

I also drew the third picture in 2017. What the he--

... wait, that actually makes sense. never mind lol. 

The last two drawings I included are from 2015. The first one is Duke on the Night of the Black Flames. And yes, I called it that back then too. I wasn't sure if I did or not. It's nice to know I stayed consistent with the name of that night. 

The last drawing I put in yesterday's post is in the same one I put the Duke on the Night of the Black Flames drawing in.

Yikes @ my old art. I don't want to know how I got so many compliments on those two drawings. Excuse me- what? 

It's a scene from Chapter 46. Behind Duke is a cracked mirror. Wow, it looks so flat. And I'm referring to a mirror. Oh yikes. 

The dark lines on his face and wrist are blood. So I was right about that. I thought it would be blood. 

But I really thought he was wearing a shirt and pants. It looks like he has clothes on. Haha nope, he's supposed to be only wearing underwear in that scene. 

I called it partial nudity. Which is what it is. Partial. 

... Why didn't I color his underwear/boxers? How was I supposed to remember that was supposed to be a pair of underwear or boxers on him? What the heck. 

Duke sure looks skinny there. He's a skinny boy.

 When I think of him a few years prior to the time of the story (around the ages of 10-13 especially for some reason), I see him as being very skinny for his age. 

That's because I'm thinking of him being mistreated and a little malnourished (I mean, his parents really don't give a damn about his wellbeing). And I think of Duke beginning to eat less and less after the day he cuts several times into his chest when he was 9. Duke hated his body and everything else about himself because of the people in his life. 

I also think of Duke (when he's 12 and 13) and the "Daredevil" older teen smoking and drinking together. So instead of eating, Duke chooses to hang out with "Daredevil" to smoke and/or drink. I think they smoke more though. And so Duke becomes skinnier because of that too. 

... I imagine young teen Duke holding a lit cigarette between his fingers. Smoke in his lungs; fire in his heart. Oh..~

Geez wow ok. Teens were a terrible influence on kid Duke. It's disturbing. 

One introduces himself to drugs as a way to cope with life troubles. The older boys who harassed Duke at the pool (the same day he cuts his chest) were in their early or mid-teens. In comparison, Duke was 9. They took advantage of Duke because they were all older and bigger than him. And yeah, that makes that whole situation even more disturbing. It's supposed to be, haha. 

When I think of drawing nude art of my characters, it's always to show/represent their vulnerability and how messed up their life situations are. Other things cover their private areas, not underwear. It's never for anything sexual. Except if I change my mind one day and want to draw a sex scene with my 20+ year old characters.. which I probably will not do, ahahahahahaaa fuck. 

I have so many art ideas. Just saying this now before I forget. Some of them have the characters being naked. Not all of their bodies are revealed in the open (in fact, the majority of my ideas have their bodies mostly covered), they're covered in things that aren't clothes/worn like clothes. 

... oh shoot. I forgot what else I was going to talk about. 

I'm going to try and find out about my other old drawings I put in yesterday's post. I wonder what past me said about them. 

I'll return sooner or later. Bye for now. 

~ Cutepups 

EDIT- 1 hour later: I couldn't find the post where I drew that digital art of little kid Danny or little kid Ryen. The first picture had a skit to go along with it. Twinkle was talking about how she looks like a boy. Dawn is standing there. She is lost. Help her. Twinkle is annoyed at Duke because he looks big and is shirtless. The bloody Fierdan headshot is just a headshot. That's all I really said in the post I first had it in. 

As for the third to last thing, I.. I really don't know. January 2015 was a whole different timeline. Did 2015 really exist? I am not sure anymore. 

I looked at a few January 2015 posts and zoned out. I think I'm deceased. Or diseased. Those posts freaking killed me, guys. 

(I'm referring to the ones all about Duke and pee and a cactus and Duke peeing on a cactus. And in a skit thing, Duke was giving a tutorial on how to pee on a cactus. ... 2015 me, everybody!!) 

Duke is supposed to be constipated in that picture. I'm.. I.. omg why. w-h-y. Why. 

Ugh, it's only Monday. 

back at college + random old pictures

Yeah so hey, I returned to the college I go to today. The spring semester starts tomorrow.

New classes. Hmm, I hope they'll be okay. Ah heh. ^-^'

It would be nice if I have a more relaxed schedule this semester, but I doubt it. Then again, I don't know anything.

No more class cluster. No more NYC trips. :(

Not taking math though. So I guess that deserves a :).

This time, I'm taking 5 classes (took 6 last semester) and no higher-than-regular credit classes (which were the two cluster classes). And I don't have classes back-to-back. So maybe it won't be as hectic..? Perhaps, still doubt it though.

Uh, what else is there to say...

My stomach was hurting this morning. Then as the day went on, it stopped hurting.

Ok...

I originally planned on making other posts yesterday, but then I didn't feel like typing them. Spent dinner (pizza) and the evening at a cousin's old house. So, uh, I was occupied with things yesterday.

Anyway, I'm typing this on my computer. I'll add random old pictures saved on the Blogger "Add Images" thing. Haha, why not?

Hmm...

aaaaaahhhhhh asdfghjkl. I love how only Duke has the canine ears, how there are flames in his eyes, how awful that chest flame mark looks, and.. and how Twinkle is staring forward (like the rest of them are), saying "fu Duke" lmao iconic ("eff you, Duke" lol). Oh and Dawn looks very disturbing. Yikes.

I forgot if this is supposed to be Duke or Fierdan. I'm pretty sure it's Duke, so I'll just say it's him. I think this was from a scene from a chapter in the 50s arc when Duke and Fierdan were interacting. No, I don't know why he's blushing. I don't think I ever finished drawing the scene. This might have been the only part of it I finished (and by that, I mean colored). 

To be honest, I kinda miss drawing my characters in their anthro animal forms. I definitely only see them as humans in canon now (ignore my old story writings lmao), but I'm not totally against drawing them as anthros for fun. 

I was looking at this drawing in my room last night, actually! I didn't color anything else. In other words, it currently looks just like this lmao. Wow, I imagine them looking so different now than how I drew and colored them back then. To be honest, quite a lot. Well, kind of. 

OOF - an artwork in the MOMA or Met art museum in NYC. 

I know this one is Fierdan. To be honest, I still like how I drew and colored it. Ok so maybe I don't like how I colored the ears (I'd rather view him in human form here but oh well, I can imagine), but the dried/drying blood? Mm, I really like how I colored that. Wow, isn't that hot? *cough, cough, ahem*. Oh and I really don't like how I cut his hair off like that, making him look like he has an ugly haircut. Nowadays whenever I think of long-haired Fierdan, I think (in awe) about how long it is. He has long hair that is long and not like this digital art thing.

asdfghjklqwertyuiopnadcdjkxsjc. 10/10 digital art from me. wow!! "butterfly" so beautiful. 

This is either little kid Danny (Pre-Fierdan of course) or Ryen. I seriously can't remember and now that bothers me. Whose hand is he holding? That's a mystery even to my current self. I think I drew him with tears in his eyes. Aww, this poor kid. How sad.

Extra Pages. What did I make this for? Did I ever use this? I seriously can not remember. 

2014?! Wow, this has to be considered old now!

Cutepups here. Uh, ok then. I think I used this as an introductory picture in my posts.

Ooh, does this show up as a gif? It's a gif. I think I made this as an introductory picture to when I posted art in my posts or on a blog page/tab. It's a shame that I didn't use it much. 

And it was from this point on that I decided to screw Duke's life over from his birth to his death. I.. I really don't know what this is. lmao wtf. 

I think this is Duke on the Night of the Black Flames. Ok so I drew and colored it like his hair (on his head I mean lol) is covered in black fire. So I think of Duke having his hair turn entirely very dark brown/nearly truly black when this scene happens. Oh and by the way, Duke never had light brown hair. The just-about-black hair is darker than regular brown hair. Ok uh sure. I kinda really want to draw Duke in this scene in human form. And with my slight change of story plans.

I also kinda really want to redraw this scene with human Duke at some point. This scene from a chapter in the 40s arc still means a lot to me. I don't know why, it just does. 

It might be because this is possibly the first time in the story I explicitly wrote about his self-destructive behaviors he used to do on the regular. But then he stopped? Uh yeah, I'm not entirely sure when or how he stopped. I don't know.

tw- self harm, blood: 

(... this is from the chapter where Duke thinks obsessively about his own blood and how he misses seeing it ooze out of cuts and scratches on his arms. and I wrote that part where I think it's supposed to be inferred that he had a habit of self-mutilation that became slightly addicting. he longs to see the blood pour out of his body because he missed that. ... in the past, Duke cut into himself in multiple areas and he bled. Twinkle did too but only a few times, but it never got as bad as what Duke did to himself. Duke was pretty much addicted to making himself bleed. Twinkle never was like that. not even close.)

Oh, it's nearly midnight. Haha oops, I got myself distracted again. 

Let's see if this will show up as a gif. It's a gif. I have classes again. Wish me luck if you want. 

Another beginning, huh.

Great. 

The link post

Before dawn of Cutepups' final day of winter break before going back to college. 

I have plenty of posts I still have to make though. Oh heck, I'm running out of time. 

(I didn't even post a new chapter in this month-long amount of free time I had. *smh*) 

Why did I title this 'The link post?'", you may be wondering. Well, I'll tell you. The main purpose of this post is for me to copy and paste some links. Since yesterday or the day before that, this post idea was labeled as "link post" in my mind. So there's my explanation. 

[Warning- the content on the websites I'll link to may contain sensitive themes for viewers. (? yeah idk)]

Ok so, here's the whole thing. 

Unlike my obnoxious/annoying/"ugh" blogger self in 2014/-2015/-2016 who didn't really pay any actual attention to the mental health and psychological impact of my story's plot (in past scenes and current) and how it affects my characters, I do that a lot now. Ever since some point in 2017, really. But a lot more now than even then. 

So I've been searching up certain.. things. Because hey, I for one can't exactly relate to what my characters went/go through. I don't think anyone can directly, but it can be comparable to other things. 

Ok.. 

I just don't want to mess up and make my story (at it's "final version" I mean; what I have in posts now is a first draft lol) have any true actual "bad representation".. if that makes any sense. Whether that be my characters' sexualities, races, mental illnesses.. well, especially those three since those are the ones that come to mind immediately. 

I just don't want to add to harmful stereotypes/stigma. (Dang, this whole story world is so deep and dark. Why is this my first serious original writing project? I don't know why anymore.)

I'm really trying. I want to be accurate and realistic in how I'll portray those (sensitive) themes in my writing. 

So what's my point? 

Around two weeks when I was on deviantart, I read something that had the phrase- unwanted child syndrome. And me, being curious, searched it up on Google. Because I was thinking of my characters and wondered if they could possibly have it. 

(I'm thinking of Danny/Fierdan and Duke the most. Dawn and Ryen as well but not as severely.) 

So I did some clicking and looking and stumbled upon a blog. I don't even remember why at this point, but one of their posts or whatever really struck me. And for the past two weeks, I've had it stuck in the back of my mind. I still have it as an open tab on my phone. I'll probably close it when I publish this though. 

My searching for "unwanted child syndrome" brought results about PTSD. Because.. it just be like that, ok. 

Anyway, I'm posting this as sources and writing references and just so I can know and be informed, and and and-- yeah. 

This is the one I'm referring to.

I actually didn't finish reading the whole thing. So far, I've been paying the most attention to what is called "Type 1 PTSD". 

I was doing this while also creating this post:

and it's why I brought up abandonment and neglect in the post.

"unwanted" "abandoned" "neglected" ... similar. 

I don't want to forget that site, ok..  

And right before I began this post, I found a page on a website that's about trauma and stress disorders. 

It's about Complex PTSD.

I'm questioning whether Duke, Fierdan, and Dawn might have it. I need to look more into it though. Like, a lot more. 

I'm still vague when referring to Dawn and her past, I know. 

What they go through is repeated. It's not "one time things" for them. It's repeated. 

Well, here's something to read. 

Sure. Ok. 

Bye for now. 

~ Cutepups 

Ah, it's Friday

Friday.. oh darn. These are my final days left at home doing nothing productive. :( 

I can't believe I forgot to make a post on Finny's birthday. My Finny boy. Anyway, it was January 22nd. 

I think. (...) 

For a while, I planned on starting the final part of the skit story with a lengthy italicized section in Duke's perspective with his deep thoughts. 

Like *cough* look at these poetic-kinda-idk masterpieces: 

There's a feeling of warmth in these walls. The warmth is welcoming. I have a home. This is it. This is my home.

I wish I could dive into those blue depths. I long to swim in the deep blue sea. (@ Duke: wtf // metaPHOR >:0) 

I'm a self-destructive catastrophe. 

There's a hole in my heart, but it still has the ability to love. 

She's only worth the universe and nothing less. 

I've turned myself into a weapon. I have no right to call myself a human. 

But he is worth at least a city of gold. 

I killed myself to come here. I died to be here. 

[. . . .]

This time, I died in order to see you again. 

We are fiery impulsive disasters. And me? I'm nothing short of a self-destructive catastrophe who burns everything in my way. 

I don't want to burn you. I only leave scars. 

Please don't notice mine.

... I worked hard on these, ok. 

Ugh, I just love that writer Duke concept. <3 

Dang, the last three sentences of the skit left me emo. I made myself sad. (again.) 

But you did scar Twinkle, Duke. You absolute buffoon. You fool. (how dare you!) 

me: *writes "Please don't notice mine."*

me: *immediately dies* 

me: ggggggoooo000ddddd

In the skits, Duke still has all his physical scars visible. No one said anything about the scars, so he doesn't know if they saw them. Duke's last thoughts are him hoping that Twinkle didn't really notice them. 

Oh heck, there goes my heart. 

Dukle in 2019? What is this shi-

Heck. 

... hahahahahahaha!!!! Why am I sad this time? 

.... oh right. College. Leaving Thelma my cat to go back to sharing a room with my roommate. 

*groans* hhhfgrfhfjhgjrgrfh 

I don't want to break my little tuxedo cat's heart again! </3 :( 

Anyway, I'm still really in the mood to create character theme playlists on my Spotify. 

It's not like anyone will even see and listen to my playlists (#/prove-me-wrong), and yet I'm stuck on what to name them. Help, I'm an overthinker. 

I want to create them so bad. (eww, wtf is wrong with me?) 

:^( aaaaaaaaaa

~ Cutepups :•) 

I Have No Home / Take Me Home (skit 5)

@ Duke: what the heck 

Part 5- enjoy! 

The skit is continuing right where the previous part ended.

Warning: contains explicit language, alcohol mention, death/suicide mention, scars mention

---------------------------

[Duke's perspective. The words in italics are his thoughts. When that's over, the regular skit dialogue will begin.] 

There they are. They're all here, looking at me. I can see them. I can actually see them. They look so fucking real. No, they are real. I can feel it. 

The liveliness in each and every one of them radiates off their bodies and hits my own with full force. They are alive- breathing, living. Shit, am I alive too? 

I must be. I'm standing on my own two feet. There's a feeling of warmth in these walls. The warmth is welcoming. I have a home. This is it. This is my home. 

Have you ever truly looked at someone before? Have you ever noticed the little details about them? 

Twinkle and Finny have blue eyes. I love blue eyes. They contrast with the fiery glint in my brown eyes. My first loves were Finny and Twinkle. I loved them. I really did. I wish I could dive into those blue depths. I long to swim in the deep blue sea.

I don't have to press my fingers to my wrists or neck. I already know they're still there. They haven't gone away. The scars haven't faded. They mark my skin as a reminder of my past. A longing for pain, blood, and death. Not once or twice but over and over again. I'm a self-destructive catastrophe. 

It's been a few days, but I can still feel the last drops of alcohol in my bloodstream. I feel buzzed yet alert. I must be drunk. I must be sober. I'm a mix of the two. There isn't any alcohol left in the system that is known as my body.

I can't be alive. I killed myself. This can't be real; this isn't real. 

No. I am alive. This is real. 

Twinkle's short blue hair. Finny's blond hair. The curls in Ryen's black hair. Ardere's unbrushed dirty blond hair. Fauna's long blond hair. Dawn's long brown hair. Sparkle's natural brown hair showing through her roots. Brock's short brown hair. 

I see it all. These are the people of my home. They make up the community where I belong. We're made up of friends and family. Damn. I love these people. I love my people. There's a hole in my heart, but it still has the ability to love. 

Eyes are fascinating. Dawn's green eyes left me mesmerized the first time I saw them. They're the color of the healthiest green grass I have ever seen. Her eyes are so much more than emeralds; they're worth so much more. She's worth so much more. Dawn is one of a kind. She is priceless. She's only worth the universe and nothing less. 

Eyes are beautiful. Ardere has light brown eyes. Mine aren't that dark either. Unlike my eyes and Fierdan's eyes, there is no dark edge in his. Ardere hasn't been dehumanized and turned into an object. He never got fucking used like I was. I've been reduced to an object- for lustful pleasure and violent fantasies. I've turned myself into a weapon. I have no right to call myself a human. Fuck. There's no fire in his eyes. He's innocent. His eyes are bright. I can feel the sweetness. Ardere's eyes vaguely remind me of a mix of honey and liquid copper. But he is worth at least a city of gold. 

I killed myself to come here. I died to be here. 

I must speak. 

[Time: 7:30 pm. Duke hasn't moved a step.] 

Ryen: *is the only one left standing by Duke, is a little confused* You can come inside. Everyone else is back in the living room. Care to join us, Duke? 

Duke: *blinks his eyes a few times, quickly jerks his head upward to look at Ryen better who is much taller than him* What? 

Ryen: *chuckles* Come with me. 

Duke: *his voice sounds like his mind is in a fog* Okay. *grabs onto Ryen's closest forearm* 

Ryen: *flinches* Geez, your hands are cold. 

Duke: That's to be expected. *wraps his fingers around Ryen's arm* 

Ryen: No, it's like they feel.. dead. 

Duke: *his voice sounds different, more normal* That makes sense. I died, by the way. 

Ryen: Excuse me. What? 

[Duke doesn't say anything until he's in the room where everyone else is. Ryen and Duke walk into the living room together. The others are in the middle of a conversation.] 

Twinkle: *laughs* That's such a weird coincidence. Dawn, Ardere, and I all had to write essays themed about 'home' and what that word means to us. It's kinda funny that we all go to different schools, but we had similar essay prompts. Our teachers must be very interested in the concept of 'home' then! 

Dawn: *chuckles* Yeah. When I was writing mine, I got a little frustrated because one of the questions in my prompt was about parents, and.. well, you know the rest. 

Fierdan: *crosses arms* They had no right to bring that up. 

Dawn: I never told the people at school about.. them. 

Fierdan: Why not? Do you want to be forced to think of your parents? 

Twinkle: *frowns* Of course she doesn't. What kind of absurd question is that? 

Fierdan: *sighs* I don't know. Sorry. I don't want her to get hurt by ignorant people bringing up parents when they don't know what we- no, what she- had to go through. 

Dawn: It's okay, Fierdan. I understand your sentiment, but I'm fine. Please don't overthink it. 

Ardere: *smiles* Maybe I'm just thinking too much, but the 'home' themed essays we had to write bring us a sense of connection. It connects us. 

Fierdan: *uncrosses his arms* That's it! Home symbolizes connection. Duke and I were away from everyone else, and people make up a home. We weren't actually home because we were away from you guys. Duke and I have been disconnected. Coming home means the connection has been restored. 

Sparkle: Huh? What? 

Finny: *is the first to notice Ryen and Duke* Oh hey, they finally joined us. 

Brock: *turns his head* 'Sup! 

Duke: *clears his throat then says* I killed myself to come here. I died to be here. 

Brock: What the hell is that supposed to mean? 

Finny: I thought you took a literature class, Brock. 

Brock: I did! That doesn't mean I understand a thing Duke just said. 

Ryen: *looks at Fierdan* Fierdan? Do you know? 

Fierdan: *shrugs* No, not really. 

Duke: *looks slightly offended* Hey! What do you mean 'not really'? You obviously know what I mean. 

Fauna: Uh... 

Fierdan: All I know is one night, Duke got drunk on a bottle of wine and decided to kill himself the next day. 

Duke: Excuse you. I drank, got drunk, and killed myself all in the same 24 hours. 

Finny: *is alarmed* What? 

Duke: And before anyone asks, I was pretty much sober when I stabbed myself in the chest with a steak knife. 

Sparkle: What is wrong with you? 

Duke: I had to die in order to come home. If I didn't die, Fierdan and I wouldn't be here right now. 

Dawn: Is that true? 

Fierdan: I.. *glances at Duke* I think so. 

Sparkle: Yeah sure. 

Finny: Huh. 

Duke: *walks toward the couch where the majority of them are sitting* I drank nearly a bottle at 5 am, and I killed myself in the afternoon. 

Brock: Drunkie. 

Ryen: Stop that. 

Brock: You got drunk, right?

Duke: As Fierdan and I have said, yes I got drunk. 

Brock: Why? 

Duke: *suddenly sits on Brock's lap* Because I felt like it. 

Brock: What did you do while you were drunk? 

Duke: Nothing. I just went to sleep. 

Twinkle: Geez, Duke, what the fuck happened to you? 

Duke: *accidentally hits Brock in the stomach with his elbow* Actually, you know what? You want to know why, Brock? I had a disturbing dream- except it wasn't a dream, it actually happened- and I wanted to forget it. But did I? No. 

Fierdan: *sighs* Duke, stop--

Duke: *cuts him off* No. I'm not going to fucking stop. Fuck off my back. 

Brock: I'd move over. But like. Duke, you're literally on top of me. 

Duke: Ah shit, sorry. *gets up so Brock can move over, sits back down between Brock and Finny* By the way, I only got drunk on wine because my stomach was basically empty, and I didn't drink that much alcohol all at once in a long time. I couldn't find anything else. If I found something better- like vodka, I don't know- I would've drank that. But I couldn't find any. I'm not a weak ass pu--

Fauna: Well then. 

Duke: What? 

Fauna: Isn't today your birthday? 

Duke: Yeah. *looks toward the hallway* Got any birthday beer for me and Fierdan? 

Dawn: *frowns* 

Duke: *rolls his eyes, leans back* Just kidding. 

Fierdan: *sighs* 

[I'm bored of this. Two hours later.] 

Ardere: I was hoping it would be you two at the door, and I was right! 

Duke: That's awesome. Thanks for never losing faith in us. 

Twinkle: *is a little annoyed* Hey, none of us lost faith! 

Duke: *sounds a little sarcastic* Aww, that's sweet. Thanks. 

Twinkle: *rolls her eyes* You're still such a dick. 

Duke: Oh Twinkle, I bet you wouldn't be thinking that if you could read my mind. 

Twinkle: What the hell is that supposed to mean? 

Fierdan: *enters the room* It means he really missed you. We both did. Well, not just you. Everyone else too. 

Duke: Man, you're right. I missed everyone so fucking much. *lies down on the floor* Here's a random fact. This house is the first one I ever lived in that actually feels like a 'home'. I didn't really have a place to call my home before then. I was born into a place that lacked safety and love. I never had a place of comfort to return to when I was growing up. Now I do. *smiles* My home is with you guys. And I'm so, so damn happy that I get to spend the night of my 19th birthday with you. 

Fierdan: Yeah. I don't need any special gifts, even if I did turn 21 today. Being home again is the only birthday gift I would have wanted. 

Twinkle: You know what? I was worried that we wouldn't be able to see you guys today. Gosh, I said this so many times in the past hour. Screw it, I'll say it again. Happy birthday, Duke. Happy birthday, Fierdan. *pauses* I'm so relieved I get to see you in person again. *smiles* I'm glad you're okay. I don't know what I would do if I never got to see you again. I never said goodbye. 

But I'm not okay. I never said goodbye either. I died so many times, and you were always oblivious. This time, I died in order to see you again. 

And you think I'm okay? That Fierdan is okay? 

I'm sorry. You couldn't be more wrong. 

We are fiery impulsive disasters. And me? I'm nothing short of a self-destructive catastrophe who burns everything in my way. 

I don't want to burn you. I only leave scars. 

Please don't notice mine.

[Sorry, I'm too tired to continue this. I'm no longer interested. That's it. The End.] 

hi uhh some stuff

I was about to put my phone away and go to sleep. But you know what? I have stuff I want to say in a post now. 

2 am. Yeah ok whatever. 

There's going to be a part 5 of the skit story. Then I'm ending it. I grew tired of it. 

I have many posts in mind that I want to let out and set free (I mean publish) in the next few days. I don't have much time left before I have to go back to college. 

I'm not that thrilled to go back. :( 

At least college is better than high school. 

But the workload... :( 

Hmm, not to be all sad and depressing, but I kinda feel worthless that I didn't publish the next story chapter when I had all this winter break time. 

Geez, I'm going to be taking a creative writing class. 

About part 4 (aka the last post), I simply became tired. There's no special meaning in it. It's straightforward. That happened. It's just that. There's no biased character perspective like there is in the previous parts. 

I plan on including a part 5 though. Duke, what the heck. 

Oh and I also upgraded my driver's license. Finally. I had to go to the dmv. 

Me (aka The Fool) told the lady I was there to renew my license instead of upgrading it. Sorry, I didn't know what the correct word to use was. :•( 

Honestly, Fierdan sucks. He brings me so much frustration. This fire man frustrates me. Geez, what an asshole. :/ 

Hhhhh gggaaaaahhhhh 

Haha no, I'm thinking of story 2-3+ concepts. 

Ryen also frustrates me but for different valid reasons. He's just. Ugh. 

Why the heck do I love Duke so much? This boy.. hhhhfffghfh. 

Dawn and Stella (aka Twinkle) are the best girls. I love them so freaking much. 

Whenever I think of Duke and Dawn's pasts, I cry a little inside. It breaks my heart. They're just so young and go through so much shit. God, someone needs to truly help these kids. Please help. 

</3 ;-;

... oh shit that's right. can't include pics when on the app. 

see ya later, folks. 

~ Cutepups

I Have No Home / Take Me Home (skit 4)

This is like over a month old. The skit date, I mean. I delayed continuing this, I'm sorry. 

This is a link to part 3.

*throws this garbage at you* 

--------------------------

[Date: December 19th. Time: 7:00 pm. Location: A street in a neighborhood. Along the sidewalks on either side of the street, there is the occasional lamppost giving off light in the dark. Two people are walking on one side of the street. The street is empty except for those two.] 

Fierdan: *is still very distorted* What? It's our birthday? 

Duke: *slows down his pace so Fierdan can walk beside him* Yeah, today's the 19th. 

Fierdan: *looks up and stares at a lamppost* Oh. Huh. 

Duke: *glances at Fierdan* Are you feeling okay? 

Fierdan: How are you even alive, Duke? *faces Duke* I saw you kill yourself. 

Duke: I already told you. I killed the version of myself in that alternate dimension, so we can go home. We're going home, Fierdan. 

Fierdan: There was a knife lodged in your chest. Your corpse leaned against me. Geez Duke, there was so much blood and now there's nothing on you. 

Duke: Of course there isn't. I cleaned myself up. 

Fierdan: So you came back to life..?

Duke: *sighs* Yes. You finally get it. 

Fierdan: I actually don't. 

Duke: *groans* Your loss. I'm not explaining it all over again. 

Fierdan: *stares blankly at Duke* But you didn't explain anything. 

Duke: Yeah, sure, whatever you say. *walks ahead of Fierdan* 

Fierdan: *catches up with Duke* Where are we? 

Duke: Heh. You don't know? Look around you. 

Fierdan: *glances around* We were in a void of light, and now we're in this place. I don't-- oh. Wait. This reminds me of the street that our house is on. 

Duke: Yep. That's because we are there. 

Fierdan: *sees a house* That's.. that's it. 

Duke: *looks at the same house* Wow, it looks like we've arrived. We are home. 

Fierdan: We're not there yet.

Duke: Then what are we waiting for? Let's go! 

[Date: December 19th. Time: 7:00 pm. Location: Living room of the house. Every main skit character, except Duke and Fierdan, is in the room. The characters who are college students have all ended their first fall semesters. They all came back to the house earlier in the day.] 

Ryen: Well, I would say I'm happy that everyone is back, but...

Twinkle: Ugh, we know. Where are they? Isn't it their birthday? *sighs* They could've at least gone out of hiding today. 

Ardere: Hey, maybe they'll come back today! 

Fauna: Heh. You're so naive, child. 

Ardere: *turns around to face Fauna* I'm only a year younger than you. We're both children. 

Sparkle: Fauna's right. It's been well over a month. *looks at Dawn* Dawn, you still live here full-time, right? 

Dawn: *looks at Sparkle* Yeah. I haven't seen or heard from Duke or Fierdan in months. 

Sparkle: Exactly. They left us for good, that's what happened.

Brock: Sparkle, sweetie, you're very incorrect. Duke would never leave us. We're like his family. We are family. 

Finny: Uh no, we're not. 

Brock: *sighs* I meant it in the metaphorical sense. If you took a literature class in college, you would understand. I used something called a metaphor.

Finny: *sighs* I know what a metaphor is, Brock. I learned about them ever since middle school. 

Sparkle: *sighs as well* Guys, I'm pretty sure I said this many times already. And yet none of you listen. Duke is my mom's brother's son. 

Dawn: *stares blankly at Sparkle* What does that have to do with anything?

Sparkle: It means Duke and I are family.

Twinkle: You know you're not the only person in this room with family members, right? 

Finny: You worded that terribly. 

Twinkle: Geez, thanks a lot, Finny. 

Ryen: *frowns* Duke is kind of like a form of Fierdan.

Sparkle: *is offended* What? No he isn't! 

Ryen: *sighs* You guys want to talk about literal and metaphorical things, huh? Okay, here's some knowledge for you. Fierdan is literally my brother, and Dawn is our half sister. 

Brock: *gasps* Ooh, Ryen beat you good, Sparkle! 

Finny: This wasn't a game or competition, Brock. 

Brock: Of course it wasn't. This is a very serious matter. 

[Time: 7:20 pm. The doorbell rings.] 

Brock: Who could that possibly be? 

Finny: I don't know. 

Brock: That's not helpful, Finny!

Ryen: Why do you have to yell? 

Brock: Oh, shoot, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Ry Ry. 

Ryen: *groans* Stop calling me that. My name isn't a type of bread. 

Brock: *is confused* Huh? Bread? What? 

Fauna: He's referring to rye bread. "Ry Ry" sounds just like you saying "rye" twice. 

Twinkle: So uh.. is anyone gonna answer the door? 

Ardere: *smiles* I'll answer it! 

Sparkle: Why are you looking so happy? 

Ardere: I'm happy to see you all again, that's why! And maybe it's them at the door. 

Dawn: I doubt it's them at the door. 

Twinkle: Hey, let the kid believe. 

[Ardere slowly opens the front door. Duke and Fierdan are standing right in front of the door.]

Ardere: *didn't see them yet* Hello? 

Fierdan: *smiles, speaks softly* Hi. 

Duke: *stands still as he stares at Ardere* Ardere...

[The rest of the characters go toward the door.]

Duke: Ardere, it's going to be okay. We found our home again. *walks inside* I found my home. 

Fierdan: *walks inside* We are home. 

Ardere: *is in a daze, shakes head* What? Is it really you? 

Dawn: *chuckles* Yes, it is. It really is them. 

Twinkle: Welcome back, nerds. 

[Fierdan walks more into the house, but Duke continues to stand right inside the house in front of the door. He stays there, suddenly mesmerized.] 

I give up on trying. I gave up. 

here's what's up with posting and images

I feel like writing to you viewers an explanation of what's been going on with this whole blogging and images nonsense. So I'm here to do that.

Before I start, I just want to say I know I've been a little dramatic. Since I kept on getting that Picasa something-something error message whenever I tried to publish posts with pictures in them on the app, I thought it meant I wouldn't be able to include pictures in my posts at all, regardless of how/where I was creating the posts. But today I found out it's only really an issue on the app.

I mainly use the app to post. I've grown attached to only using my phone to post. Typing posts up on a computer keyboard still gives me that "something's off" feeling, but it's not as bad as how it's once been.

I'm using my computer to type this. I also have some.. weird?, interesting? stuff to show you. Haha.. why? idk.

Ok so I'll start with talking about the app and then the website versions of Blogger. Just for me. Specifically.

(yeah, this one again)

See this post? I initially planned on finishing and publishing it just before 7 pm. If you check the time stamp for when it got published, it says 11:19 pm. That's around a four hour gap.

Many times between those two times, I've been trying to get the post to publish- or at least go to drafts- when I included an image or two in it. But no matter how many times I tried, Blogger refused to load enough so that the post could be published or drafted. Thankfully, the app has an "offline" mode, so the post didn't get deleted just because it couldn't be drafted.

I tried again the next day and the day after. The same thing happened. Sometimes the Blogger app doesn't cooperate with me and takes a while to publish my posts, so I thought that was the case. But when the same thing was happening with me two days later, I realized something was up.

I primarily use the app because that has been the easiest and fastest way for me to insert my pictures into my posts. I take pictures of my art and pets and whatever else I want on my phone. For me, it makes a lot of sense to use the same device that I have the pictures stored on to use as the one to create posts on.

And before anyone asks, I have my photos from my phone synced with my computer. (I currently have an iPhone and Mac, so..). The problem is on the website, Blogger is very picky about where and how I can insert images into my posts. It won't let me just use the Photos app to get pictures. So yeah, that's kinda frustrating.

Last night, I got the Google Photos app. That is the only way I can put pictures from my phone into posts now (without getting that publishing error message). So now I have my pictures on the Photos app and the Google Photos app.

Then after I made (and edited a few times) the post last night, I went back on the app. I also put a few pictures onto the Google Drive connected to the email I have for this Blogger account. Since I have my pictures on something by Google, I thought that maybe I could use the app to post pictures again. I read that it would work if I used Google photos and had an album on it to post. That works, sure, but only on the website. It still doesn't work on the app.

On the app, there are options to retrieve pictures from the "gallery" (aka from the Photos app) or from Google Drive. I got my pictures from my Google Drive to put into a post, but the post still wouldn't publish due to having an image in it.

So that's what is up with the app. Anyway, regarding the web version...

Before I got Google Photos, the sketch I put in last night's post was already saved somewhere under the "Add Images" thing that's there when you create a post on the website. Only that picture. No other pictures I had on my phone. Yeah, that was weird. It might've been because I had "offline" versions of the post I linked to at the start of this one. In the "offline" versions, I have the sketch picture in the post. They're only "offline"; they're not in drafts and they're obviously not published.

So then I got Google Photos. To insert pictures from my phone into posts when I'm on my computer/using the website, I had to create a new Google Photos album archive. I created one, and that's how the pictures I have in last night's post successfully showed up.

Well, this doesn't really include the signature images I use. Those were already saved somewhere on the Blogger "Add Images" thing. Under the "Add Images" thing, I have a few categories called my blog name (so they're all called "The Jamaa Mist"), one called "Profile photos", one called "Blogger Pictures", one called my story-only blog that I really only use to archive my story chapters (it's called "The Extraordinary Others" and btw I hate that name now lol), one called my contests blog that I used for like one thing and that's it (lol it's called "The Jamaa Mist Contests"), and one called "Drop Box".. and now I also have the new album category I made last night.

Images I've used on this blog (and the other two, I guess) many, many times are all already saved somewhere in the "Add Images" thing. Because of that, I still have these weird pictures stored on my Blogger account.

Here are a few ones I find particularly strange and/or funny. Let's go down memory lane now, shall we? :'D

(omg what the heck even are these?)

Very old Animal Jam pictures. XD

(I'm changing the sizes of the pictures and moving them to the left margin.)

Wait, I didn't use these pictures many, many times. Never mind then. I don't know why these are here. Uh...

Omg past me... X'D

An old picture of Thelma's paws- with stickers!

Precious, my funny and ridiculous AJ wolf character. 

Old digital art of a random creepy girl.

Old traditional art of a character I still like but that isn't a part of the story world I constantly ramble on and on about (*cough* Fierdan and those characters *cough*).

idk what this is but it's from AJ.

Ok this is way more than just a few. Pfft.

Ok this is still very cute. 

An edit I made. idk.

? ASK US ?

Yikes! @ that blog banner.

My collection of Mech Angel Wings. I think I have more now though, haha.

Apparently, I also have this bright, eye-bleeding version.

My den used to look nicer. idk.

Wolf pups!

Fox kits!

This was supposed to represent fox-form Duke. I can't believe I used to view him as an AJ fox. That concept is so foreign to me now. 

And this was supposed to represent fox-form Twinkle when I viewed her as an AJ fox. I can only see my characters as humans now. Well, for a few years, to be honest.

I think this was the last time I drew Duke in anthro-fox form..? I drew him so buff, which goes against how I view his body type now. He's not a big muscular guy, what the heck.. XD

:'(

My main outfit on one of my arctic wolves. I miss this look. :c

My amazing penguin, Count Theeyes. Go on and count them. 

This was the AJ fox version of Twinkle at the very beginning of the story. I want to draw her looking like that- but in human form. She appears a very specific way in my mind when she looked like this in the story.

I think this was the AJ fox version of Fauna. I don't know why she's wearing the cool sunglasses. Maybe she's just being cool. She's just oh so cool. Yeah idk.

Not sure what this is. Uh.. #/gay-rights? 

This was the AJ fox version of Duke at the beginning of the story. It's his first appearance outfit. 

Ok that's all the pictures I'll show. Wow, I showed so many. Sorry, I got carried away. Haha. :')

I really want to draw Duke (as a human, of course) in his first story outfit. I have specific details I have in mind for his shirt. 

I'm thinking it's more like a long-sleeved white shirt with gray stripes. He wears those types of shirts a lot when he goes to school. He dresses kind of pretty nicely there..? He's not actually wearing a tuxedo (that's the AJ clothing item I have on him). It's more like a plaid shirt. I want to emphasize that he is wearing long sleeves. And the beginning of the story takes place in the month of May. 

When it came to school, Duke cared quite a bit about his appearance. I have another drawing idea, and it makes me sad.

Because like.. Duke, this boy. He's creepy good at making others think he's fine and put together. But when you get to really know him, you know that's the opposite. So he dresses in nice shirts when he goes to school. Most of them are long-sleeved. Because when he was at school, he spent a large amount of time outside of it considering/attempting suicide, enduring abuse from home (when he still lived with his parents), and self-harming a lot. So, haha ah, yeah. 

And when he burns his nice-looking white and gray shirt at some point in the story, it's also supposed to symbolize his break from keeping up that facade that he's fine and "normal" around people he's not that close to. 

But Duke wasn't really a "nice student" type either. He actually is pretty damn smart, but he got in trouble a lot too. 

Geez, I really want to draw Duke in his school outfit. (mm omg)

I have a drawing idea and it sure is sad. Great! 

Well, I hope this wasn't too boring to look at and read.