ah! oh..

Hi, whoever's reading this. 

I drove to a store and bought a new phone charger. I'm typing this on my phone. 

Yeah. Ok. 

If you look back at my December 2018 archive, you would see that I made 31 posts that month. 

Well, I finally finished a December with as many posts as there are days in the month. Which is 31- 31 posts, 31 days. 

That made me pleased. :) 

(ugh. why must you be like that, cutepups?- at least one person's thoughts upon reading this)

I swear, I wanted to make another post later as I was making the previous one. But then after I came home, I didn't want to anymore. 

In the evenings and nights this week, I've been watching "This Is Us" with my sister and mom. And wow, I feel both emotional and emotionally drained right now. 

...... ok so here's some stuff. 

I'm trying to be optimistic and more chill as a person. 

And I'm trying.. for what? 

Honestly, my family tires me out. I am tired. 

Tired of the bs. Tired of the bickering. Tired of him being angry for days without telling any of us why. Tired of her pushing on the arguments and then getting upset that that annoys the rest of us and makes him more angry. 

My house be like "Communication? What's that?" I swear. 

Heh, at least I think I'm still in a good note with my sister these days. My brother too. I think. 

Anyway, so there I was. In my room. Trying to fix the arms on that sketch I posted a few months ago of Finny and Duke. I'm still struggling with the arms, haha. 

And then I hear my mom basically saying that we're going to a funeral in the morning. 

Ah haha, well, that killed the vibe to work on my drawings. That's for sure. 

Oh, I feel low. Oh, but I also feel content. I.. I don't know. 

.... my house feels dysfunctional sometimes. i don't think we feel like a "proper family" compared to others. i feel like maybe my mom really doesn't actually know how to be a Mom. it gets on my nerves, i guess. .-. 

. .. .... ..... ...... ......

Because of the classes I took in college, I analyze literary texts / "read between the lines" more. I'm more critical of the movies and shows I see. 

I don't mean to, but I keep on analyzing / "reading between the lines of" the different parts of my skit stories. Especially the two most recent Duke and Fierdan ones. 

Haha, it's hard for me to stop. It feels like my thoughts and feelings about them are in overdrive. I just have so many. 

--------------------

From the "I Have No Home / Take Me Home" skit story, I want to draw: 

• Duke's parents arguing. 

• Baby Duke. (<3 !!)

• Duke creating a mess in the kitchen, searching for alcohol. 

• Duke with the box of wine. 

• Duke drinking a bottle of wine as he sits on his bed. 

• The over half empty bottle lying on the floor as the morning sunlight shines through the bedroom window. 

• Duke talking to Fierdan about how he's a burden on everyone, his mixed feelings about his mother, and/or his regrets about saying what he said in his first Help session. 

• Duke standing in front of, and facing the kitchen drawer, while still talking to Fierdan. 

• Duke holding the knife, between the drawer and his body. 

• The knife in Duke's chest, his shirt being stained red, Fierdan having Duke's dead body close to his body as he holds Duke. 

• Fierdan's eyes at the very end of the second skit part. 

• Fierdan at the doorway, facing his boyfriend who is watching him from bed. 

• "J" talking to Fierdan when he's sitting in bed, and Fierdan is standing at his bedside. 

• Fierdan leaning over the bed and bending down to kiss the top of his boyfriend's chest, probably just under the collarbone. 

• Fierdan's beautiful eyes as he says, "I love...".

• "J" lying on his back, wrapping his arms around Fierdan's upper back, and Fierdan going fully on top of the bed with his body on top of "J's" as they kiss. (ok, there's a gap between their bodies..)

(Psst, the "J" character and Fierdan are boyfriends.) 

• Fierdan in the next scene before the mysterious figure shows up. 

• Fierdan having a sharp knife placed into his hands. 

• The dark gray of the mysterious figure melting away to reveal Duke who is not dead. 

I could make a pretty long post just about that short scene with "J" and Fierdan. 

(It gets deep, fam.) 

... sex mention warning for that post. (yeah) 

(Ah, screw it. Here goes.. something.)

"J" is the same character as Jinx and Jax from Chapter 75. I don't know his actual name for sure. The "J" name could be a nickname. 

"J" is Fierdan's age, give or take a few months. The Jinx and Jax characters get to be pretty important in story 1. This "J" character (characters?) helps/comforts Duke and Fierdan. For Duke, it's after he escapes the Tall Tower dungeon where he gets tortured for around a week. For Fierdan, it's after he starts breaking down after stabbing through Duke's heart. 

"J" is honestly such a blessing. I love him so much. For reasons that are different from the reasons why I love my fiery disaster boys (Duke and Fierdan). 

"J" is gay. Fierdan is bisexual, with a preference for men. Ryen is aromantic asexual. Lately, I've had strong thoughts about their sexualities. I'm passionate about this. 

Also.. 

"J" has the strongest psychological Elemental Power. Fire is the strongest physical Elemental Power. Fierdan and Stella (aka Twinkle) have the two variations of the fire Elemental Power. 

Strongest physical Elemental Power with the strongest psychological Elemental Power. The relationship of fireXice is out. The new power couple is strongest-physical-epXstrongest-psychological-ep. 

(it's kinda like superpowers!)

The person with the water Elemental Power is a trans guy. The person with an Elemental Power relating to metal is a nonbinary poc. They're not heterosexual either. 

(ooh yeah) 

Stella dresses androgynously. She does that, and I fully support her. 

Ryen doesn't have the emotional capability to be interested in romance and sex. But what makes him aro ace is his lack of romantic attraction and sexual attraction. 

Fierdan, for the most part, isn't a romantic person. He can have trouble being romantic. Unlike Ryen, he can feel romantically attracted to people. But romance is.. well, it's hard. I, for one, don't understand it at all. 

I feel like for Fierdan, he usually goes first for displaying physical affection. I've been thinking recently about it. Fierdan probably finds it easiest to show platonic love (physical affection such as hugging and cuddling).. and then he finds it easier to show his love physically and sexually while having trouble showing love romantically and with words and not with actions and touch. 

Fierdan grows to be like, "Saying what love is with words? No can do. Talk casually about my feelings? No thanks, that's exhausting. I'll show you my love through my actions, not my words. My body will show you how much I love you. ;)" 

So he would rather show his significant other "I love you" by kissing that person after saying that phrase instead of through more words. But he still can willingly talk. He just goes for consensual physical contact first. 

Fierdan, like his brother, has trouble talking about his emotions and having words for them. Ryen has limited emotional intensity as a result of his childhood. Fierdan is a lot more emotional than Ryen, and he experiences very intense emotions as a result from his past. 

Emotional numbness vs. feeling emotions too intensely. Ryen and Fierdan are opposites, in that way. Though Fierdan feels apathetic at times like Ryen does, he tends to generally feel emotions intensely. Sometimes, his emotions are more intense than the average person's. And because of that, Fierdan (reminding us of Duke as well) gives off the vibe that he's fragile, over-dramatic, and too emotional. 

(Awful childhoods can affect siblings very differently. Abuse and neglect can affect siblings who grew up in the same abusive and neglectful environment in different ways. Not everyone shares the same coping skills. Everyone is different, including siblings. Who would've thought!) 

.. right? yeah? 

I still have more to say about "J" and Fierdan. I'll continue my thoughts about them (and in relation to the skit scene) in another post. 

The music I listen to heavily influences the direction my skits go in. I might make another post with the songs that I've been listening to while writing the skit parts. 

..... Well, that cheered me up a bit. Thanks, Fierdan. :') 

Bye now.

~ Cutepups