haha ahaha why am i like this

Haha. Ahaha. Why am I like this? 

:'D ,,, :/ 

When I begin posts (such as the last one), I tell myself that I won't go into any "inappropriate content".. but I end up going into that as the posts continue on. 

Sorry, my bad. :c

Anyway, I had this train of thought yesterday (or two days ago). I just.. don't know.

• Me: *thinks of words to describe Duke's/Fierdan's eye color* 

• Me: fiery gold? ... whiskey? .... whiskey. 

• Me: wait, amber is a valid eye color. Fierdan's eyes are also that beautiful eye color like Duke's are. 

• Me: *then imagines Fierdan and Ryen at a bar, sitting on tall barstools at the bar counter, each drinking a glass of whiskey* 

• Me: oh wait. who is their designated driver person? ... Duke? no. I don't trust that boy. ... Twinkle, it's gotta be you. 

• Twinkle: ugh, why though. :/

• Me: idk, you're available? 

• Twinkle: *sighs, rolls eyes* 

• and then...

• Me: *thinks a lot of (Fier)Dan-X-"J"* aww, that's cute. 

• Me: *thinks of my blog viewers*

• Viewers: How the heck does someone genuinely love Fierdan? How does Fierdan get a boyfriend? Cutepups, he's Fierdan. Uh, I don't buy it. :/ 

• Me: *thinks about him and "J" when they're the most intimate from emotional intimacy to physical platonic-and-nothing-more intimacy and then to their sexual intimacy* oh shit--

• Fierdan: *sits up on the side of the bed he shares with "J", hastily grabs and puts on a pair of underwear, turns his head to face me who is somehow there in the room with them* do you mind? :/ 

• Me: *panics, thinks* oh shit, what should I say? *says out loud to Fierdan* excuse you, I am your god. *thinks* wait, why did I say that? 

• Fierdan: *looks back to look at his sleeping boyfriend of wholesomeness, looks back at me, speaks that same skit line I still haven't moved on from with the same tone but softer as to not wake up his boyfriend* don't fuck me over, ma'am. >:/

• Me: *cries and laughs over Fierdan repeating that iconic skit line* dude, I love when you swear. your voice.. swearing.. it's a blessing. I feel blessed. 

• Fierdan: *doesn't know what to say, whispers* fuck off. 

• Me: I absolutely love how you say "fuck"; your voice is gorgeous! 

• "J": *wakes up, speaks drowsily* what's going on? who is that fool by the door? 

• Fierdan: the fool is our god. 

• "J": *gives me a suspicious look, sits up in bed making sure a blanket covers his pelvis and everything below because he doesn't even have underwear on* ok, sure..? 

• Me: I didn't mean to write this! 

• Fierdan: write what, you fool? *tries to escort me out of the room* 

• Me: wow, your body looks gorgeous too! 

• Fierdan: *is only wearing the underwear he put on when he noticed me somehow in the room, sighs* I am taken. :/ 

• Me: you can thank me for that. :) 

• Fierdan: *is fed up with me* get out of here! and stop obsessing over my privacy! 

• Me: I am sorry. I can't help it because I am your god. I am the reason that you and your boyfriend exist. 

• Fierdan: goodbye! *pushes me out of the room, quickly shuts the door behind me* 

• Me: well, ok then. *casually walks on* ... *thinks* omg am I intruding on their sex life? 

• Me: *thinks about his eyes again* they're like whiskey because they are addictive. *pauses* wait, no. uh... 

That was my train of thought. Yeah, I'm cursed. Call me out. I write problematic things and my posts contain "inappropriate content" now. I am expecting complaints. Thanks in advance. I am a bad influence. :-) 

............... Anyway, this morning I had a bad dream. It was so scary and disturbing. It messed me up. My stomach hurts a little as a result of it. The dream was terrifying. I love how after a day I no longer feel happy and willing to tolerate the shit going on in my family/house, I end up having a fucking nightmare. That's just.. it's so great. I totally appreciate it. I love having that kind of dream. Just kidding. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it so much! 

I'm trying to give off the vibe that I'm happy on here. Thinking about my characters brings me pleasure. It's enjoyable. I like doing that. 

But it's hard for me to stay happy in this environment. It's hard not to feel like shit in this fucking house. 

..... fucking kill me. i deserve it. 

Me: *grabs Fierdan* This is my emotional support [problematic, fiery disaster man.] 

I will return in due time.