hi

Another unorganized post. Like always.

Sunshine (my dog) is back home now. Which is good. Yes.

Dogs, cats, puppies, kittens seem to almost always be attracted to me. They like looking at me and coming up to me. They're adorable and precious. It's like they're.. lol.. better than humans. Like.. lol.. there's something about me that dogs and cats of basically all ages love. I don't have food on me or anything. They just.. yes. I love them cuties. So cute. Yes.

I also found this poet's videos on YouTube today. The guy is Shane Koyczan. You might or might not have heard his poems before.. who am I to know. Gah.. I love all the ones I listened to so far. They're so deep and inspirational.. even a bit humorous depending on the lines. Wow, I love when I discover new poets. Poetry. I love poetry. A lot.

Pets.. poetry.. yes. Two things I love in life; reasons to stay alive. They're life. Yeah.. lol.. I must be weird.

I have to go take this eye test and fill out paperwork before I can start driving. Going to go to the place.. like now.

Still scared and nervous like usual. Oh boy.

I should go now.

Bye.

Question (um..): List something that gives you purpose to keep moving forward.

Wow, that was deep.

~ Cutepups

what a convenient time

... to post.

I don't post as often as I used to. I hate mostly everything. Ah ok.

I might or might not have been having a panic attack once or twice since my last post.

I feel awful today. The last few days were good. Minus the fact I'm allergic to the heat and the sun when it's 85+ degrees Fahrenheit outside, and that has been the weather for the days I was forced to be outside nearly all day long.

I want to pet my dog so badly and hug her and cry into her fur, but I can't get her back here till tomorrow. My cats are mean. I'm losing it now, and it's hard to breathe. Wow great.

My favorite is pastel colors. So pretty. My love.

I like monochrome too, obviously, but I like pastel more.

Yeah.

Questions lol: Does your skin feel like it's burning when it's hot outside? Or how about your brain and stomach melting? When you're out in the sun, do you suffer like I do, or am I a vampire? Well, when it's at least 85 degrees out and it's only sun no shade no nothing.

Why does the internet take away all happiness? Why is everything depressing everywhere I go online? Make it stopppp

One perk of sun though lol: I'm no longer a pale white ghost.

Wow, would you look at the time.

Time to suffer.

Please talk to me nicely.

I need more friends.

My friend count is drastically low.

We can talk about cats. I like cats. Except mine because they enjoy making me suffer.

We can talk about dogs. I like dogs. Dogs are like the best things ever. I miss Sunshine, gosh darn it. Time to cry. ???

We can talk about non-negative stuff, even though I produce negative stuff.

Please talk to me, The Mess™.

I don't blame you if you do because I do too, but please don't hate me and ignore me.

Please.

"(don't) leave me alone"

(except if you're only gonna end up hurting me like the rest of them lol)

bye

~ The Mess™

droning off

Hey guys. I'm pretty sure no one minds me not posting every day. Right? Good.

So anyway, first off. I put up a new poll. This time it's not a cringy question I'll regret asking. It's just a simple question. Nothing else.

Well, today has been a pretty good day. Having to do such a small amount of schoolwork, followed by having a five day break from school. Yes, good stuff.

Psst.. this title is a pun. Sorry for the bad pun. Haha.

Which leads me to...

Drones!

Like, um, drones can fly away from the person controlling them. And I'll be away from home for the majority of my five day break. I'm unsure if I'll be able to post the next few days.

So anyway, toward the end of my chem class today, we all went in the hallway where half of the class (not me though.. I'm too much of a coward >.<) controlled this drone.

Don't question the class logic. It totally makes sense. Ok.

So basically as certain people took turns flying the drone, we ended up surprising several students and a few teachers. We even scared these two freshman girls, they ran away from us so quickly. Ah, it was pretty funny.

Good school day. Good day.

The only downfall of today was that I had to say my goodbyes to my dog for the weekend since we won't be home then. And bye to the cats tomorrow too. Eh, not a big deal really.

Oh yeah, before I forget. I'm thinking of making more posts conclude with asking a question. Like, um, a poll-based question. You know.. something like that.

But not for this post. The question can be the poll I put up.

Well, I guess that's it.

Bye guys.

Which One?

Hello. I'm back.

I'm 16 now. I don't feel 16. I feel like someone who's, I don't know, 13? Oh man, I'm so terrified of driving but they refuse to understand that. Wow, so much hate I have. Anyone else want to silently scream with me?

The play I saw on my birthday was great. I didn't really have much time to post afterwards that day. Or really check any online thing.

Before I go on, I'm going to now share with you some faint details of a dream I had before I woke up this morning. Be forewarned.

,,,,,,,,.,,,,,,,,

Cutepups Dream: I got this college pamphlet thing. It was boring. Then on the last page, there was this ad for a college game. It said it was "educational" and "fun". So I got the game. The first time I saw the game, it looked like an educational game. Then I bought it and inserted the gaming card into the gaming console. As soon as I inserted the game in and everything finished loading, I felt like I was high on drugs. The gaming screen was all glitched and fuzzy with this constant buzz, and it reminded me of sinning bees who took LSD. It was, of course, really weird. I then pressed "PLAY" to play this college and educational game. It started off with this vortex of flashing colors that made my eyes burn. Then when that ended, the screen went black. Then there was this world that reminded me of a world from a Mario game. It was this purple and black gooey world. And the light purple blocks were the places you walk on while the purple and black goo was where you die. The light purple walking blocks were the perimeter of the world or whatever it was. And the goo filled in the inside. Soon enough, a drunk Mario (that red plumber dude with the cap and mustache) appeared in one corner on top of a light purple block. He was holding this giant apple/tomato (not sure what it was at that point) as if it was on fire. Then the gaming instructions told me to make Mario run while holding the giant apple/tomato. He almost made it to the end, but then he revealed that the giant apple/tomato was indeed a bomb. So an inch before beating the level, the bomb exploded and Mario plunged into the deadly poison goo. I then reset the level. I kept on failing because Mario kept on dying. Then one time, the level started out with Mario carrying his bomb as he sat on top of a giant Yoshi. Yoshi was huge. Halfway through, the bomb exploded and Mario plunged to his death again. Then there was just this giant Yoshi walking. Then Yoshi made it to the end. I was so proud. But then Yoshi fell off. And Yoshi's green and white eggs fell after him. So then Yoshi died, and then the goo turned into blood. I then destroyed the TV, the console, the controller, the gaming card, and the gaming case with a hammer. After that, I was on this school bus. Then I woke up with the strong urge to pee. : )

What does this dream mean, ol' wise one? Please, do tell.

I was so sad when Yoshi killed himself. Mario just annoyed me. I have no idea why he had this bomb disguised as an apple/tomato on him. I didn't take any drugs last night. I also have no idea why the game was considered an educational college game, key word being educational.

Eesh, that's messed up. Um!!

I figured it out. I just don't like Tuesdays. That's it. It doesn't matter the classes, I just don't like Tuesdays.

Yesterday's school day was pretty alright. Things at home? Well, the happiness from the day before (aka my birthday) totally vanished. And, well, things sucked. Lots of yelling and arguing. With actual reasons this time. I guess I could post yesterday, but I didn't feel like it. Like geez thanks life.

Something happened. I don't really want to say what happened, but it kinda is like deja-vu with a few changes. Haha, wow I never get over anything. Haha, I remember bad memories far more than good ones. Woop.

I'm so stupid and inadequate. I can't do those things right like they can. Lab stuff. It's embarrassing. They're probably thinking how malfunctioned and dumb I must be. Haha, hey it's me the disappointment always needing to get help and depend on others to make sure I'm not messing anything more up.

It.. just.. ugh.

Life.. meh.

At least I have something to look forward to in the winter.

But that's so far away.

So.. whatever.

,,,,,.,,,,,

Oh yeah, I have a question/poll to conclude this post. Comment your votes in the comments below, even though I am a nervous mess when it comes to comments.

Okay, which statement do you agree with/relate to more?

"Love is stronger than fear" OR "Fear is stronger than love"

I'm more on the second one: "Fear is stronger than love".

The stressed out and anxious wreck picked the second one? What a surprise! *cough cough*

Like ok, I think that love doesn't solve, doesn't heal, everything. Love can make fear more tolerable, but most of the time fear doesn't fully go away. Anyways, people fear love sometimes.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm just curious to see what your mind's take on this is.

Well.. bye.

~ Cutepups (meh..)

guys guys guys

Hi, I have news!

Woooooo!

I'm feeling pretty happy today. I did this meme, and ever since, I've been giggling and happy nearly all day. Omg.

I took my dance pictures today. Wow cool.

Going to New York City where the yorks are new and the city is city tomorrow.

(Go stalk me. I dare you.)

. . . . . .

(Actually, please don't.)

So anywho, one of these mini-clip dreams I had before I woke up this morning was related to blogging. Ok so. There was this "best of the best" AJ player with this anti-scam blog. And that person was very professional. Then one day, they found my blog. And then they said, "hmm.. this person blogged about scammers in AJ and how they are bad.. you know what, I'll recruit them to my anti-scam blog!". But ok those posts were from 2014, buddy. I quit Animal Jam, you fool. Oh wait, my posts about scammers in AJ are complete garbage and too immature and stupid like the rest of my posts from back then. So then I met up with this guy and said, "No, I'm not interested in being noticed by you anymore. I moved on.". And they felt so bad, then I felt so bad. Ahem, it was pretty awkward from there.

I mean, sure, my posts now are also stupid garbage, but I'm less immature. Hopefully. Um.. yeah.

Haha, all the girls my age are like talking about their favorite shows while ye old me is like, "*watches Steven Universe with figurative popcorn in my mouth* *chomps on the figurative popcorn* yeah I like cartoons". And then almost all of them are confused because me, a mid-number teenage gril (I mean girl), likes to watch cartoons.

Yeah. But.. wait. I don't think I mentioned it yet. Ok story time (again).

When I was working in camp last summer, one of the kids in my group and this other kid from another group that also goes with that group because they're the same age and the groups switch around to different rooms all day (lol such a run-on) were pretty great artists. Like they were so good ok. And they drew so much Steven Universe fan-art. So, haha, I haven't watched it yet, but I heard about the show from people around my age. And I was confused because I thought Steven Universe was this "big kids teens only" cartoon, and these 11 year olds were drawing Steven Universe fan-art (they kept on saying they were drawing Steven Universe fan-art). So I became so confused. A few months later, I got off my lazy butt and decided to watch the first episode of Steven Universe, and I was so confused because it's really not a teens only cartoon show. Like it's a kids show really. And during the summer at camp the other kids in my group were constantly talking about much less kiddy stuff like FNAF, cell phones, Teen Titans, and boy stuff because they're boys. And I was confused that one of them was watching Steven Universe. Omg what the hay.

And since the boys now go to my district's middle school and some of them are in band, I.. haha. I saw two of them when the middle school band kids went to the high school. (I find it so humorous and so emotional, and I don't know why, send for help now.).

It's so cute.. they're cute kids.. gah ugh, I was like their teacher S for Shh, and they're in middle school now.. so grown up.. wow wow.

(What the hay am I even doing.)

I just finished watching the newest episode of Steven Universe. I think.

Hnfgh what.

Bye, bye!

~ Cutepups :)

(what's that? a smiley face? wow wow wow!!)

my tooth isn't straight

Hello. I'm typing this at 1 am. What a convenient time. Oh yes.

The post title makes sense, I swear.

(I need to stop posting when I'm, I don't know, on the brink of falling asleep? Yeah, I'm so st--smart.)

Well anyway, Friday update. //lol ok sure cutepups but no one cares lol//

Friday (5/20) was actually a pretty good day. Pretty good school day. Not the social aspect of course since I'm like a mute, ahahahha. I also didn't do actual schoolwork except for in one class today. Not today, I mean yesterday. So, um, school was good on Friday.

Gah.. I'll be a year older tomorrow. Hnfgh.

But yeah, I'm like a mute at least 90% of the time in school. I'm not just shy, I just don't talk. Haha yeah.

And everyone else is all handy-dandy social and loud talker (not whisperer like ye ol' cutepups) . I fail at that compartment- being social.

But I can't help it. Now that I think of it, since I'm an anxious and tired mess that likes positive attention, I decided one day, "hey, i'm just gonna type down what screams in my head that i can never scream out loud, and this is an awful idea but oh well".

Thus, the feelings of failure and inadequacy settle down upon me. Because I can't even do basic human things right.

Man, I get angry easily. However, I seem pretty emotionless irl. Am I really? I'm not too sure. Haha, the more you know...

Gah ugh, I'm typing this on my bed. What a smart idea. (I do this too often, ahahha.)

Thanks for commenting. Though it's hard when most people do basic human things that I can barely do. It's hard when they're better than me. Oops.

But I do assume things way too much. Like there's a longer comment. And after I read the first few words (not even the whole sentence), my mind's all like, "oh no.. that sounds serious.. they hate you because you're so annoying, cutepups, like really annoying.. but only online since this is the only place left where you truthfully let out your feelings and you're almost always silent irl.. they hate you lol.. oh look it's from someone named anonymous.. who even is that.. insightful anon, swag anon, or both anon.. nah, probably hate anon.. anon sounds like this guy's name in band but with an 'm' at the start.. lol they're upset with you because you do everything wrong, cutepups, everything.. lol no one really cares they're just tolerating you because they know you're among the pitiful.. lol it's me your thoughts.. hi."

Well, that was tweaked to be more entertaining and less "bad language" and chance of being triggering. Heh.

Oh yeah, about the post title. I went to the dentist on Thursday. And, well, I have this tooth coming in completely crooked. Kinda like it's lopsided. It's a troll tooth messing with me. My body's raging war against me, even my tongue has its issues now. Talk about me being in bad shape, ahahha.. um. My teeth are so weird that I have to take this prescription toothpaste, whatever that is. And see an oral surgeon sometime soon, well, in the summer. Even my mouth has its issues.. great.

So, I guess that counts as a health status, right?

I'll probably be posting later on. Much, much later.

Well, if I can.

I'm so tired now.

Bye.

~ Cutepups

so um,,

Hi.

I was right yet again. Today was a better day in school than yesterday. Wow, would you look at that.

Um.. sorry. I don't have much to say. I got a haircut earlier today. That's kinda refreshing.

I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore.

I'm more active on my deviantart. I bet you all know what it is. But I'm kinda inactive on there as well. Well, um, kind of.

If not, I probably mentioned it in a post. From 2014. 2014 lol.

I'm here, but I constantly feel like apologizing to everyone who has read what I said.

So, I'm sorry. Not for anything specifically, just in general.

Um,,

Bye.

i need better post titles

I need better post titles. I really do. So anyway, I'm going to ramble on about myself. As I always do. Ok then.

So, first off, I was right. I knew it. It's partially my fault, if not all my fault. Yet this routine still seems surprising to me. Which, well, sucks.

Today (Tuesday) was a far worse day in school than Monday. It was a pretty unlucky day, alright.

It's kinda strange how I'm starting to like my A days better than my B days (Tuesday was a B day). I like my B day subjects more, but recently I like A days better. Maybe because B days leave me exhausted/bitter/upset when I come home, and I wake up to feeling anxiety in my gut. Eh, just an odd observance I noticed.

Oh yeah. A days and B days are 2 separate days, and it's how my school's class schedule work. Eh, they say all blocks (class periods) are equal times, but 2nd block always seems the longest. Even longer than 1st or 4th. Which is saying something.

Ew school. But anyway, commenting. Um yeah.

If you see that I replied to a comment at any time between 11:30 and 11:45 AM on a weekday, and you notice how my comment sounds repetitive and short-sentenced or whatever bad trait I'm missing here, well.. I'll explain. If it even is explaining, haha. Ok so.

From those times, I have lunch. Which means more freedom from schoolwork while still in school. I also have the easiest chance of logging into and checking my Blogger stuff. So, the thing is, I realized that even more of my middle school friends are now.. much different-minded than me. Which in turn results in me communicating less and having fewer friends in school. So I avoid talking to them (I wish I could just talk like any other decent human, but I just can't, plus our friend vibes aren't as strong as they used to be so the thing we had is lost now). But I feel self-conscious just looking at them. And then some of them are now closer friends with this person I don't like. So, using my school iPad that thankfully doesn't block Blogger like the other useless sites it blocks while in school, I check my Blogger. Doing this, I hide my iPad under the table because I feel very scared of the fact that anyone in my school knows what I'm doing. People already have made fun of me for who knows how long, so I get anxiety at the idea of anyone knowing what I'm doing. Ugh yes, I've technically been bullied before. And I lost my trust in people my age, especially school people. So that doesn't help at all. Plus my level of self insecurities is through the rooftop. So anyway, my comments probably sound poor because I'm typing very fast hoping autocorrect is working, and I'm constantly afraid that someone else will notice what I'm doing on my iPad or phone. Because more likely than not people will judge me even more negatively. It's pretty obvious. Meh.

Despite everything, I still like to check my Blogger in school.

Like of course everyone isn't mean. Most are. But some do it in hidden ways. Probably because I'm an oversensitive, mentally problematic, nerdy trashcan. People just say negative things quietly to their friends or by gestures, and they think I don't notice but I do. But like, for example this one time, I was chatting with these 2 other classmates who are pretty friendly to me. And then they said something about how "there's something wrong with you if you don't have friends and socialize because you can't live if you're antisocial". And me being the sensitive trash I am, internalized what they're saying as "hello, that's me, they're talking about me, ffff". I just can not socialize as normally as the average person. Spend a day with me is like spending a day with another person in awkward silence. It's not like I have anxiety about every social situation, I just can not socialize well.

And hell no. I can't just reach out. Telling other people certain things just makes me more anxious. I had this experience that I view as bad in the school counselors' office. The people there made it a bad experience for me. Being with any adult in school just causes more anxiety and terrible feelings. So many of them (especially teachers) expect us students to be outgoing and extroverted and happy kids, and that what they tell them shouldn't stick to them (the semi-offensive stuff, not the academic stuff). Well, I'm the opposite of all that. Even what students are into. I'm not interested in any relationships, I'm not interested in anything intimate, including friendships. So I'm this weirdo loner who's aloof.

They're doing it on purpose. They love making me suffer internally until I die inside.

Screw high school being the "best years of my life". If anything, high school has made me mistrust nearly everyone who isn't a family member, and have depressive and anxious tendencies more often than ever before. I don't know how I'll possibly survive up to and during college. Great, huh.

I doubt anyone other than family really gives a damn about me. People irl.

I fail at living.

Sometimes those very few truthfully nice friends save my day from turning into something much worse.

Thankfully, Tuesday was one of them.

But Tuesday hasn't been that good overall.

Mostly my fault. I know, alright.

Crap, it's past midnight.

Well, bye.

well, this is new.

Hi guys! I'm back.

Uh...

Well, this is new. It's different.. but in a good way. 

I mean today's Monday. And, well, school was pretty good today. Saw a documentary in Spanish class, in English, and instead of having our other-daily math quiz, there was no quiz today. So, a good start. 

Unfortunately, I have so much homework due tomorrow. I procrastinate on everything, so I'm not done with my homework yet. Haha, Cutepups is such a bad influence. Um.. what.. it's true. 

Ok whatever. My birthday is on Sunday. I won't be online for most of the day. Wow, I'll be 16. Starting driving lessons soon.. oh boy. Wow, I'm getting old. I'm pretty sure when I made my birthday post 2 years ago when I turned 14, I made it such a big deal about how I'm so old. Now, 2 years later, I'm even older. Who would've thought? (If I could meet myself from 2 or 3 years ago, I would beat my past self up. Gosh, I was such a hyper nerd. Now I'm just a tired nerd. Meh.). 

I still find it surreal (that's probably not the right word, but oh well). A few years ago, I always imagined myself having a sweet 16 party with friends and all that girly stuff. But now I'm like, that's not happening. Sure, I have classmates who had sweet 16s. But me having one? That can't happen, man. I don't really have any real life friends left. Except for 1 or 2.. maybe. And I'm not as girly as other girls my age. Like sure, I like dresses and cute stuff (lolita fashion.. good stuff) and aesthetic and dance classes.  But.. how to put it.. I'm not as girly as I thought I would be at this age. Honestly, almost every girl in my school wears makeup on a daily basis (even those who don't wear girly girl stuff). And then there's me who's like the school's loner who rarely talks and wears the same two hoodies, and who only puts on makeup sometimes (only when I really feel like it, even rarer on schooldays). But I'm not a tomboy. So.. haha. Yet I'm happy that I can still kinda make myself look like a boy. Somewhat. Heh.. me. Didn't I say I hate puberty? Yeah. 

Oh yeah, I feel totally different than last week. I felt pretty dead last week. Now I'm not in nearly as much body pain. And I don't feel as depressed as I did for the past several weeks. But it's annoying. Like at least once every 2 weeks, there are these 2 days back-to-back where I feel weirdly positive and not depressed (depressed as in the symptoms of depression). And right after those days, this big pain strikes and I feel even more horrible than before. So I'm always skeptical of myself. Like if I go a day feeling more positive, I begin invalidating myself over everything. Which is a bad thing to do, right. And, well, I also felt pretty good yesterday. So, hopefully, happiness will stay in my mind for the remainder of this week. At least. 

Instead of listening to depressing songs these past few days, I've been listening to anime soundtracks like I have been doing a year ago. But different anime ones. Ahem...

Over these past few days (3, 4, 5?) I watched this fairly new anime. 

Maybe that's one reason I feel less crappy. I'm not listening to the same songs with depressing lyrics on repeat over and over. 

So anyway, I like it. Here's a link to watch it (I watched it on there, haha): https://kissanime.to/Anime/Boku-dake-ga-Inai-Machi <3 ;;

Uh.. ok. There's this Animal Jam ad there for me. AJ is always after me. AJ please, I haven't been on since February. I haven't visited animal jam.com since then. And that was for 1 or 2 days. The Leap Year Party disappointed me, AJ. I highly doubt I'm going to ever purchase another club membership. What do you want from me, AJ? What is it?! 

I swear, AJ ads are everywhere I go on my tech devices. That's an anime site for crying out loud. What are they doing there? This is incredible.

Do several AJ ads follow you around on your journey through the internet, too? 

Wow ok, got carried away there. 

Well anyway, I also found this wholesome website. What a wholesome stickman preview game. What a wholesome stick. 

Go to it here: http://www.drawastickman.com/episode1 

Have fun with your stickman! He will go far. Good, stickman, my glorious child. :')

Moving topics again...

I'm going to explain what my poem, Wax, really means. And if you visit my DeviantArt (more of you Blogger people are approaching me on there it seems, haha I sin oh no), you might have noticed I categorized it as horror. Well.. I'll be explaining why. 

Oh and if you're confused, my DA avatar currently is a sleeping black cat. And my name starts with Blue. So yeah, that's me. No one stole my art, that's me, ok. 

So anyway, like nearly all my deep writings, it centers around this depression and anxiety aspect. (I tried writing a happy poem with no depressive undertones, it didn't end up well. Um..). Oh and when I say depression, I don't mean just sadness. It's feeling down, sure, but it's more than that. It's more than that, and I don't really know how to explain it. And when I say anxiety, I don't just mean fear either. Because anxiety is more than that, too. Yeah ok, for a while now, I've had a mix of anxiety and depression. I like to imagine it like a circle of misery. I get depressed when I have anxiety, and then I get anxiety when I get depressed. Like, it sucks. Being so scared of so many things, and feeling awful for all the missed opportunities and seeing myself as a fail who can't be normal and communicate casually like other people. And the other factors. Which basically summarizes what avpd is. Like, ok, I constantly view myself as a failure at living life and who thinks no one really cares about me if I won't be around one day. People excluding family, I mean. So.. yeah. More info on my mental state, I guess. Whatever.

So yeah, Wax. Ok.

The black room symbolizes that anxiety, depression, and any other unnecessary negative thing. (Thing.. wow, my vocab is superb!). 

The solid wax of the candle is life, like society. Paralyzed.. the living. Trapped and stuck in society expectations that no one can escape from. Like how society carved a path for us on how to live life. 

The melted liquid wax is death, the dead. It's ironic, I know, but in a way the dead are more free than the living. But like, the dead don't have to worry over society expectations and the burden of just living life. I don't mean to object any religious afterlife stuff, whatever, but really. For example, the dead don't have to worry about paying taxes and jobs. And the many, many other burdens of life. (Heh, what is this, Cutepups is seeing death in a good light? And her mind thinks of death almost every day since the future is too profound and she has little hope left of being a someone? Wow, this is absurd. How dare she not love living life!). 

The plate is the earth. The living and dead are both stuck on earth. And the candle is on the plate.

The fire is hope, happiness, purpose. When it was only on the candle, it symbolizes there being a purpose in life. But soon enough, the living die. So, that's that. And when the plate shatters and everything is messed up, the growing fire symbolizes less purpose specifically, but more hope and happiness. And it grows bigger and bigger until there's more bright light of the fire than the dark nothing of before. 

And it's more on the horror side when I write that I can finally see again. So it's like there has to be this fire that destroys the room and eventually the entire building, and then that sense of hope and happiness finally stays. And since it's fire, that I eventually melts and dies in the fire. The fire destroyed everything, which gave light and hopeful happiness, but fire destroyed everything, and eventually I in the end.

If that makes sense. Haha, so that's my poem analytical explanation. 

Heh, I'm never a truthfully peaceful creative writer.

This post seems long. I'll end it here. 

Bye.

~ Cutepups 

Wax

I have a new poem to share with all of you. I tried to show (not tell) some horror intention at the end. I tried something new with this one. I think it has a different feel to it than other poems I've written. At long last, a new poem by me that I actually like somewhat. 

Hope you like it. :)

~ Cutepups <3 

------------------------------------

WAX 

One drop
Two drops
Three drops
Four drops
They keep on falling down 

Room of all black
A square table in its center
A candle rests atop it 
The orange flame flickers 
Back and forth
Again and again 

The drops of melted wax 
Fall down along the candle
The candle's plate starts filling
The drops continue to fall
One by one 

The living are the ones paralyzed
They have nowhere to go 
Solid and uniform 
They stick to the candle
They are the candle 

The dead can finally move
Liquid and separated
The living ones watch 
The dead pass right on by
To the bottom of the candle
To their end

A stranger enters
The door got kicked down
Footsteps coming closer
The plate shatters on the floor
The candle hits the floor 
There is a puddle of melted wax
The fire grows bigger
There's finally light
The darkness went away

It is so bright
Everything is burning away
It is so beautiful 
There finally being light in the dark
The stranger has left
And the best part is
I can finally see again 

um hi

Hi.

I feel gross today.

Like actually gross.

Eww.

Am I on fire?

The answer is no.

Oil.. gross.

I'm a weak smol bean.

So warm.

Leg so hot you fry an egg.

Arm so hot your hands feel like they're burning.

Wait, that's not how it goes.

I should go take another shower today.

Oil and water don't mix.

But water is the universal solvent.

Water dissolves everything.

Even oil.

That was so educational.

There's this prom tomorrow.

Friday the 13th.

Wow, what a great date.

I really like this anime.

Go watch it.

I might possibly be melting.

Eww gross.

I keep on thinking I feel so sickly because I keep on thinking about mental disorder stuff.

Wow, how convenient is that.

I wonder if anyone viewing this remembers Bob the Blobfish.

He's so swag.

Bob the Blobfish.

My friend/classmate brought in eggs for our teacher.

They even have green eggs.

What if they make green eggs and ham?

That would be quite a laugh.

My hands are burning.

Not really.

Hand so hot you heat up your cat.

The cat is warm.

I feel at ease when I lock nearly all my feelings away and ignore them.

I have a random Spiderman sticker on my wall.

My brother thought he could turn me into a boy when I was 7.

At the time, I was happy it didn't work out.

Now I'm a bit disappointed.

My sister mistook me as our brother this one time.

Oh man, memories.

Mm oh my god.

I hate hormones.

Body parts.

Confuddled squawking.

I'll actually be living a life on my birthday.

I don't know if I'll post.

Eh.. probably.

Does anyone else live in constant regrets?

That's me, sunny.

My soul isn't even black.

It's gray.

I'm so boring.

Also because I can't really wear black.

Pet hair is everywhere.

I wear so much gray and blue.

That's like my personality.

How convenient.

Yet people still think of me as that cute/innocent/shy person.

Are you sure you're looking at me?

If I post a selfie, I highly doubt I look cute.

Stop lying.

I'm somehow always that innocent friend.

Always.

Yo, that's wild.

Well, I posted a selfie from around a year ago.

I thought I looked different.

Turns out my hair is still around that same length.

Oh my god, what if I post another selfie?

Then you'll finally understand why I refer to myself as the invisible trashcan that wears glasses.

Oh wait, I don't think I called myself that before.

Oh well.

Well, I'm getting a haircut soon.

My hair could be decent to view once that happens, but what about my face?

I'll use Thelma as my shield.

She's my new face.

Cat faced.

That sounds safe enough for me.

I'm ugly, ok gosh fam.

Say anything else and I'll accuse you of lying.

Okay.

Goodnight.

It's nighttime here.

Shh, shh.

Bye.

wowza

Hi guys! ^-^'

I have some good news. (I'm still kinda shocked about it...)

Blogger is working on my computer again! I'm so happy about this, ahhh.

Look, it's a random gif I have that's saved in my computer files! :0

Ah man, this made my day. My computer finally is cooperating with me. And that's one silly cute kitty! :')

But that's not the end of my good news (for today, at least).

So for the past few days (starting Monday), I had this headache that wouldn't go away. I looked at that link commented in last post's comment section, and I realized the head pain I've been getting is more of a headache than a migraine. Just a long headache that only subsides when I'm asleep, and comes back with equal painful intensity the moment I wake up. However, after researching migraines a little bit, I found out that I also get migraines sometimes. And by that I mean at night I sometimes have a painful headache, and bright lights (*cough* mainly tech device screens) and noise makes my head hurt so much that I become nauseous and possibly vomit. For these past few days, my head pain hasn't been that bad. Not fun in either case.

So, today. I woke up with my head hurting just as much as it did the night before, as well as the back of my neck hurting a lot more. As the morning processed, my nose, head, and neck started hurting more and more. Not medically concerned painful, just a painful bother. But then at the end of the school day after I ate this faintly spicy food (not a fan of spicy food though, haha), all my body pains started to hurt noticeably less. They're still hurting now, just in lesser intensities, making it like annoying background pains now. And I've been experiencing this lowkey body pain for a while now, so I'm kinda used to it.

This results in one less reason for me feeling crappy. Not all my problems are solved, of course. Woop.

Anyway. I've checked and noticed that yet again this blog has more views coming from a foreign country than my own. Like 200+ more pageviews. Same for the web browsers. I'm so intrigued by this because I still think nobody views my blog as much as I do. Haha.

Bye guys.

~ Cutepups ;^;

why did i post this

The post title is rhetorical.

Rhetorical.

.... what the heck. Oh my god. Wow. There's TV on in the background here where I'm posting this, and there's this commercial. America. Pfft, this country.

So basically, the commercial was saying stuff like how Donald Trump is in a grave danger and needs more support by calling a phone number. Then the commercial ends with, as well as repeating four times, by asking which former republican candidate should be his vice president.

No, I'm not a Trump supporter. Pfft no.

Yeah, that was a weird commercial. What the heck. ???????

US politics. What the heck. ??????

I have a migraine-

*"migraine" by twenty one pilots plays as background music in my head*

Ah. Well. Yeah.

For the past few days. Definitely yesterday too, at least.

I think I'm getting sick. Physically sick. Yeah, I have other sick symptoms. Wow, pain, wow.

Sleeping at 8. Wow, me, wow. That's early. Wow, ow.

A few weeks ago, I didn't like sleeping that much. Now I like sleeping a lot. I'm sleeping more. Sleeping is comforting. But when I woke up yesterday each time from my naps, my headache returned the moment I opened my eyes. Like ok gosh, I'll go back to sleep then.

I just coughed all over my screen. Wow, am I healthy. Mm no.

In conclusion, this is the mess that is me. Eww.

Has headache that has been hurting all day since Sunday, and is hurting my brain. I feel my brain hurting. What the heck. ??????

Coughing here and there.

Frustratingly congested nose.

Stomach pains, neck pains, and throat pains.

That's also been me for these past few days.

And I just unknowingly found out that my leg is bleeding. I have no idea where this scratch/bruise came from? Like ok that's not cool.

I think Thursday and Friday were like my random positive days, but now I'm back to my negative self-misery.

I'm tired. Haha, what a shocker.

Bye.

zzz

whew

Hi guys.

I just have to say.. um..

Whew, I'm not the only one. That's kinda relieving, I guess.

I'm not the only one who thinks I'm annoying. Well, everything about my posts. I wouldn't really say other people (aka not myself) would characterize me as "annoying".. except if it's also with other context. It's hard to explain over the internet and all.

Because really. If even I view just about all my posts (even before all this negative boring crap) and think of them as being annoying in certain ways, then probably other viewers would also think of my posts as annoying. It's fine, really. Other people thinking I'm annoying due to my posting ways kinda calms in a weird way. It's like I'm not alone.

Wow, I keep on wording things terribly. That's just me with words in general. Haha.

Yeah, I'm annoyed by how I post and say things, too. Definitely including this one as well as almost all the others. Because.. come on.. it's me.

I'm pretty sure you're fed up with my pity, negativity, and bad bloggerness. And before that, then probably due to my hype and obsessiveness. I already know I'm annoying. Okay. I'm annoying myself by typing this. Well then.

I'm way ahead of any blog hater or lover of mine in this thought process. I already know everything. I bet not everyone expected that of me. Ha, ha.

And since I'm in this thought process already, I gave up overcaring any negative (or even neutral) poll responses. Because I already know I have some viewers who are fed up with me by now. I am too, it's fine. But I've also been getting paranoid if people love or hate me.

I'm done, I have to know. It'll hurt me, sure. I take criticism and rejection to heart. I overthink it in my head for weeks, months, and even years. I still have bad memories in that kind of way from, for example, 2nd grade. Earlier ones too. And I get recurrent memories from all those years ago every few days at least. I'm not "normal" as most other people by this. Heh.

And yeah, paranoia. Fear. Anxiety. That everyone secretly hates me. But then, one criticism or change of tone to be more serious, makes me think that person likes me less or suddenly hates me. It's so easy for me to love a person (certain member/s of my family) over others (kinda like a favorite or safe person, I guess). But one thing they say that I process as them being upset with me, well then I get jealous and start hating them. Because I process that they hate me.

I internalize 99% of my complex emotions from other people. So of course they see me as unaffected and maybe more irritable in some cases. But that's because I don't show it. I let it out here. I know that's annoying and frustrating. But what goes on in my head, I type down onto here. Because there's also that part in my mind that's craving attention and people knowing. Unfortunately though, there's a bigger part in my mind that fears attention. Confrontation too. So I end up blogging about it. Because being confronted in real life is very different from being confronted online. It's true, sorry.

And how I'm constantly in this struggle with thinking my family (mostly parents, honestly) hate me and then love me, then hate me again. And when they hate me, I hate them back. And this is just my mind processing them as hating me. And sometimes I cause them to hate me or whatever, but sometimes it's out of nowhere with no context.

And translating onto internet terms, that's me with people I view as my internet friends. It's easy for me to get hurt emotionally (I'm sensitive as hell), so it's easy for me to view someone as a friend, and the next moment I can be hating them and seeing them as an enemy.

So yeah. I constantly think people secretly hate me. Even if it's for the shortest amount of time, they still have hated me. I just can't let things from the past go as easily as most other people. So I need to know, or else I'll continue to be paranoid about this. I need validation and attention, okay. I kinda am lacking both things in real life.

Sorry. I word everything terribly. Hope you understand what I mean by all that. I'm not explaining that all over again. At least not for this post.

My mind, thoughts, and all that are kinda crazy. Just a full blast of sensitivity, in other words.

I don't know what I'm doing here anymore. I give up.

Bye.

xx

lol frick

Um.. hi.

This happened.

Them numbers though. 

Damnit Cutepups! 

>;D 

96 

666

69 

Wow, how neat.

Pleasegivemeto100000intwoweekskthxbyesweaties 

lol 

ha ha 

I'm way too tired nowadays.

Somedays, I feel like I'm a liar. 

A very bad one.

And that you deserve to hate me.

And that I want you to.

I made some new polls that are so fricking stupid.

I'm tired just about 24/7.

Different types and causes and all that jazz of tirednesses throughout each day.

Wow, my grammar is superb. 

Somedays, I feel "normal", good, okay.

Then I question everything I've been saying online.

And then it's basically this miserable cycle of shiz.

Today's Mother's Day.

Wow, our emotions change a lot every day. First, you're mad. Then you yell. Then you're nice. Then you laugh. Wow.

Feelings. Emotions. Why.

Family. Wow.

Wow.

lol

frick

...

~ Cutepups 

kinda good news

Whoa, what is this? I'm actually posting on a Friday!

Yep! Friday night, but still technically Friday. In my timezone, anyway. Haha.

Oh and kinda good news! I felt pretty good throughout the day today. I feel much better than last Friday.

The reason I couldn't post earlier today was because I was busy somewhere else for the past few hours. So yeah. I don't feel much pain, and I'm not drained and exhausted as of right now. The things I were gone for earlier tonight weren't all that happy. But other parts within the things were happy. Heh, I don't really want to get into it on here.

In real life, my friends/classmates/peers (idk anymore, I'll still refer to them as friends lol because they technically are; I'm just a clingy and detached, sensitive and easily jealous person) have been pretty nice and cool with me. Acknowledging me. Those good vibes. Few of them, but still. At least it's been something.

Sorry, I don't really have much to say.

I don't know how long I will feel more on the positive side opposed to the negative side. Appreciate me like this while we're here now.

Haha.

I'm getting pretty tired now. It's pretty late, I guess. Been out.

Take care, be safe, and until next post!

Bye.

~ Cutepups ♡

hola

Cinco de mayo. 

Nice.

:) 

Also my cousin's birthday.

:)

Gotta type this up in less than 5 minutes. I post at such convenient times. It's either too early in the morning when I'm in pain, too late at night when I'm like half asleep or something, or now when I have to leave in a few minutes. Wow, I'm such a good blogger. Be sure to like, comment, and subscribe. Thanks. 

<3 

Okay, what the heck. Updates again! Because I guess all my posts are update posts. Probably. 

Yeah whatever. So anyway, I don't feel pathetically bad today. Yet. But I don't feel that dead inside and unmotivated so far today. 

Such an improvement. Probably gonna be gone by tomorrow. Like always. Not this time. Hopefully. I don't know. Okay, I should stop. 

Two minutes. Uh okay. 

So, about last post, I'm gonna just state a quick summary. Okay so yeah. 

Yet again like it probably always will, my writing ideas fluctuate a lot. Like my writing style, what I want to write about and how, etc., etc. change dramatically every few months to every year depending on the severity of the changes. 

That has happened to me again with my story writing and its style. 

I actually haven't planned out anything Twinkle's Story or TEO related since I posted the last chapter. And, well, that was in January. I haven't had that much time to really write full chapters, anyway. 

(Smh. My dad yelled at me, so I couldn't publish it before. Now I have more time. Wow okay.)

But saying the tones of the characters will probably be more realistic to the situation instead of the regretful whatever it was before. Which means less random, unnecessary, romance and happiness. Well, not completely. Just less of it being important. I don't like romance as much as I thought I would back in the day. It's kinda annoying. Oh, school.. ha. 

So I hope I can make my absurd story plot ideas make sense to me now. Because looking back at them, at least half of them don't make sense. Haha, at times I thought this whole story thing would be the death of me. 

But I won't quit. I went so far already. These thoughts have to come out. I hate it a lot now, sure, but I still, apparently, love it too much to just abandon it completely. 

I don't know much right now. We'll just have to wait and see what happens, I guess. It's definitely got no chance of being a light-hearted, kids' story anymore. Even less now. 

Anyway, I might change the banner some day. I doubt Blogger works on my computer when typing up new posts, though. 

w/i/p i/n p/r/o/g/r/e/s/s

Bye-

-Cutepups

updates + teo?

Hey guys. 

Another update-like post, I suppose. Heh.

I'm feeling better now. Better than the last few days at least. 

But I won't say I'm completely better. Happy. Without hiding away the truth and lying. I haven't been truthfully that kind of happy in so long. 

Heh. 

Oh yeah, that too. I kind of have been getting story ideas again. For a while now, I wanted to change everything completely. Because I'm not that, it horrifies me, it's a monster. To me, to you, to anyone who has come in contact with it. It's painful, it's triggering. I know it all. Heck, this freaking story is gonna haunt and scar me for who knows how long. 

But I've been getting those story thoughts again. I want to change it so bad. I was so clueless and stupid when I incorporated certain aspects into the story. Just thinking about those harsh things wants me want to lose contact with all of you and the ones on here before that I once knew. Perhaps hurt myself. 

Heh.

But the only thoughts I've been getting to improve it at least a little bit are ones where the plot remains in this dark and harsh way. No stupid romance. No fake happiness. No more contradictions. No more lies. It's not a happy story. The ending is triggering, even to me now. It's painful, and it hurts. A lot. But there's no way around it. Not at this point. It can't truthfully and successfully end if it doesn't end like that. Instead of adding in the useless fake positivity, I want to be straightforward. It's not happy. I'm not happy. I'm sorry.

I feel like a failure if I don't continue writing it till the very end. This whole thing has long gone been past the joke part of it. It's serious to me now. So my writings of it turn more serious. Grammar wise and plot wise. They've grown with me. They're extremely screwed up versions of my thoughts. And thoughts are negative to say the least. And those types of thoughts are the ones I write best. 

 I'll go back to it at some point. No more obnoxious love fantasy. Just the cold, hard truth. 

You won't get what I'm saying. Good. That's one thing I'm doing right. 

Let's just say certain aspects, certain mistakes, are over. 

But not all of them.

I'm tired. 

Bye.

ehhh

I'll be fine.

I'm just unsure of when I'll be fine.

Haha, that makes little sense I suppose.

I have my own personal reasons on why I say sorry so much on here.

I owe you guys at least that.

My birthday's in 20 days. Technically less.

Don't worry about me.

I'll be fine.

self updates

Hi guys. Just wanted to create something like an update post. Yeah, I dunno.

Blogging updates firstly. Then onto more "me" updates. Okay.

So, I know I said this a thousand times already, but by now I've learned that to achieve what I want, it has to come gradually. Yeah.

I'm, once again, going to try and be on here less. By that I also mean checking for and reading comments. Specifically when it's very early in the morning, and when it's very late at night. For school days. Because doing so just exhausts me. So if it takes a longer time to see your comments published, just know I'll be checking in on Blogger less often.

Posting late at night is also wearing me out. 10, 11, midnight. I'm going to have to post earlier. But I have to have finished all my homework for school the next day before I post. It was this compromise from a while ago. So yeah.

As well as how my life is growing busier with other things as I grow older, I've been feeling various types of body aches for several weeks now. Most prominently in my head, stomach, back, and neck. Especially the first two for the past few days and today. I'm tired almost all of the time, and I'm also not feeling that great. Haha, this is a physical symptom of depression. Oh boy. Life is stressful, and it's hard to not feel like breaking down at least once daily and this will only intensify, so I'll be dropping the Blogger one first. Blogging is pretty bland to me now, anyways.

Sorry my wording is pretty awful. I've had a pretty rough couple of days. And I feel like I should actually come out in fuller detail of what I've been hiding from my parents (aro ace, depression, anxiety, avpd..) because I think one reason I'm in physical pain is for holding so much in. But they invalidated and denied it all the first few times I tried. And I'm overly sensitive. But this pain I feel keeps on building up due to all these burdens I carry.

And, to be completely honest, I'm petrified of telling them everything. I don't want to be more distanced from them and my siblings because I've always been different. I have this thing where bad memories and words that my brain sees as "harsh" even though they're really not replay in my head for several years. One vague thing that reminds me of a bad memory, and I remember that bad memory in detail. Especially the words that were said. Let's just said I wasn't a "normal" kid. I had many issues and things wrong with me. And special classes and therapies. So yeah.

Today my parents got mad at me for a poor grade I have in an elective class. And in front of my brother who came home yesterday who they all love so much more than me. Like he can sleep and do nothing all day and they're all happy about that, but when I do that they get mad. And wow, siblings always getting As in their college classes. Wow thanks, of course I'm a failure compared to them. Like they care more about my sister's graduation than my birthday. Even his own birthday. Always them first, but throw me in the trash. And they're only interested in my driving lessons, so then it's sooner that I can drive the family places and be their designated driver. The idea of driving out on streets and all gives me anxiety. Siblings were naturally great drivers, but I have the fear I'm going to be the first to crash. And it's not like they have overwhelming amounts of anxiety like I do. So anyway, me being me, I processed their lecture to me today in front of my brother by their words being much harsher than they really should've been. And that of course didn't go well at all.

And then my parents and sister like to use me as their puppet or something. Like I'm my sister's career baseline. Like I went to therapy? Put the therapist's name down. Even though she's not even learning to become that form of therapist. I also went to the therapy she's majoring in? I must remember what it's like to be in that therapy and how it was like. Like I'm so handy for them. Pfft.

I am and always will be the flawed child. There's always something wrong, something bad, about me. I'm this, I'm that. It just sucks.

Sorry for ranting. I'm sorry.

Life sucks. Pain hurts. And I swear I'll break down one of these days.

These thoughts. Being clueless about the future, so not being able to imagine me in it. Self-hatred.

It's too much.

Bye.

xx

About Fridays and Anxiety

Hey guys.

I realized something about Fridays. (lol nobody cares)

So, haha, the thing I realized is that for the past few weeks, I never made posts on Fridays.

It's like it seems I deliberately don't post on that day of the week.

But don't you worry, I'm not that well-planned out at all. The reality is that on every Friday recently, I'm in at least one circumstance.

1. I'm busy doing non-Blogger stuff.
2. I'm too tired.
3. I'm too dead inside (I mean sick).

Seriously, what the heck is with me and Fridays?

It's the day of the week that I most frequently feel sick, and feel like I'm on the brink of having yet another old-fashioned mental breakdown.

Wow. Fridays. More like Crydays. Or Diedays.

I felt bad all day this past Friday. Like really bad.

You know what, guys? I dedicate this weekend (Friday - Sunday) to darkness my old friend.

So much anxiety these past few days. Today too.

It's ironic. All these anxiety mental health sites I've visited describe having an anxiety attack (aka a panic attack) starting from the heart. But for me it either always starts in my stomach or head. Both hurt very badly. And they say that starting having anxiety from the stomach instead of the heart is weird. But then I start shaking. Like what is this it's not even cold. No fam, I'm not shivering because it's cold. That's my irrational anxiety.

No fam, I'm not sick. It came out of nowhere. Okay, maybe it was overthinking thoughts from hell. But still. If I overthink bad thoughts in excruciating detail too far, I have symptoms similar to that of an anxiety attack. Which is why I call these situations I have anxiety attacks. Ironically, the only symptom I don't get is feeling like I'm having a heart attack. In the less common ones, I dissociate and feel like I might faint. Those most often happen in school when people talk about hot temperatures.

Seriously, don't talk about hot temperatures with me. I've had a few bad experiences with hot weather. Heatstroke and being hated for having one in the hot car. Wow, stop hating me, gosh fam, you know my stomach has always been flawed and overly sensitive. Pfft.

On another random note, I was bored the other night. So I ended up taking this "neurotypical test". It said I was 34% neurotypical. So just because I'm an introvert and don't like being social for too long, I'm not typically brained? Wow sunny.

Everyone irl hates me for being an introvert instead of extrovert. And how it's hard for me to be comfortable to talk with new people or people I don't see daily. I get shunned for being like that a lot. The internet is different. Probably because I'm not communicating with people over the internet in person. And they don't see my face. Which is so ugly right now. I hate acne. Stupid anxiety.

And how it's much harder for me and stress-inducing for me to do every-day tasks. Which my family fails to understand (mostly the female members of my family though). Doing that stuff is scary for me. I can't just do that like they can.

And being criticized for not joining new clubs, or signing up for more volunteerwork, or applying for jobs. New things with new people are scary. 9 times out of 10 I'll overthink every bad thing that can happen in all those situations. How everything can go wrong. How I'll be rejected or criticized. Negative words stay with me much, much longer than positive words.

Which then leads to them (aka the human female members of my family) criticizing me for not hanging out with friends. It's hard for me to start conversations with friends, nevertheless hanging out with them. And besides, I'm not sure if I even have any real irl friends left. I keep on feeling like more and more of my irl friends forgot about me, abandoned me, drifted away from me, or just don't even consider me their friend. So of course I have trust issues over "friends". They refuse to believe that, nevertheless believe that internet friends can be my best friends. So then they accuse me of being friendless when I tell them this.

So all of that constant hurtful remarks that I get at least weekly, led to me making that "Heartless" vent.

Yeah because I'm totally hurting them more than myself who feels depressed due to all this.

Ugh.

And that stuff I said above. Fear of criticism, fear of rejection. Fear of new and unfamiliar social interactions. Fear of some every-day tasks. Feeling inferior than everyone else. No wonder I feel like I lifted a weight of failure off my chest when I find avpd (avoidant personality disorder) that has symptoms I relate to all too well. Even more than ones in social anxiety. However, I still feel uncomfortable being completely certain that I have it.

So that's that.

Bye guys.