self updates

Hi guys. Just wanted to create something like an update post. Yeah, I dunno.

Blogging updates firstly. Then onto more "me" updates. Okay.

So, I know I said this a thousand times already, but by now I've learned that to achieve what I want, it has to come gradually. Yeah.

I'm, once again, going to try and be on here less. By that I also mean checking for and reading comments. Specifically when it's very early in the morning, and when it's very late at night. For school days. Because doing so just exhausts me. So if it takes a longer time to see your comments published, just know I'll be checking in on Blogger less often.

Posting late at night is also wearing me out. 10, 11, midnight. I'm going to have to post earlier. But I have to have finished all my homework for school the next day before I post. It was this compromise from a while ago. So yeah.

As well as how my life is growing busier with other things as I grow older, I've been feeling various types of body aches for several weeks now. Most prominently in my head, stomach, back, and neck. Especially the first two for the past few days and today. I'm tired almost all of the time, and I'm also not feeling that great. Haha, this is a physical symptom of depression. Oh boy. Life is stressful, and it's hard to not feel like breaking down at least once daily and this will only intensify, so I'll be dropping the Blogger one first. Blogging is pretty bland to me now, anyways.

Sorry my wording is pretty awful. I've had a pretty rough couple of days. And I feel like I should actually come out in fuller detail of what I've been hiding from my parents (aro ace, depression, anxiety, avpd..) because I think one reason I'm in physical pain is for holding so much in. But they invalidated and denied it all the first few times I tried. And I'm overly sensitive. But this pain I feel keeps on building up due to all these burdens I carry.

And, to be completely honest, I'm petrified of telling them everything. I don't want to be more distanced from them and my siblings because I've always been different. I have this thing where bad memories and words that my brain sees as "harsh" even though they're really not replay in my head for several years. One vague thing that reminds me of a bad memory, and I remember that bad memory in detail. Especially the words that were said. Let's just said I wasn't a "normal" kid. I had many issues and things wrong with me. And special classes and therapies. So yeah.

Today my parents got mad at me for a poor grade I have in an elective class. And in front of my brother who came home yesterday who they all love so much more than me. Like he can sleep and do nothing all day and they're all happy about that, but when I do that they get mad. And wow, siblings always getting As in their college classes. Wow thanks, of course I'm a failure compared to them. Like they care more about my sister's graduation than my birthday. Even his own birthday. Always them first, but throw me in the trash. And they're only interested in my driving lessons, so then it's sooner that I can drive the family places and be their designated driver. The idea of driving out on streets and all gives me anxiety. Siblings were naturally great drivers, but I have the fear I'm going to be the first to crash. And it's not like they have overwhelming amounts of anxiety like I do. So anyway, me being me, I processed their lecture to me today in front of my brother by their words being much harsher than they really should've been. And that of course didn't go well at all.

And then my parents and sister like to use me as their puppet or something. Like I'm my sister's career baseline. Like I went to therapy? Put the therapist's name down. Even though she's not even learning to become that form of therapist. I also went to the therapy she's majoring in? I must remember what it's like to be in that therapy and how it was like. Like I'm so handy for them. Pfft.

I am and always will be the flawed child. There's always something wrong, something bad, about me. I'm this, I'm that. It just sucks.

Sorry for ranting. I'm sorry.

Life sucks. Pain hurts. And I swear I'll break down one of these days.

These thoughts. Being clueless about the future, so not being able to imagine me in it. Self-hatred.

It's too much.

Bye.

xx