whew

Hi guys.

I just have to say.. um..

Whew, I'm not the only one. That's kinda relieving, I guess.

I'm not the only one who thinks I'm annoying. Well, everything about my posts. I wouldn't really say other people (aka not myself) would characterize me as "annoying".. except if it's also with other context. It's hard to explain over the internet and all.

Because really. If even I view just about all my posts (even before all this negative boring crap) and think of them as being annoying in certain ways, then probably other viewers would also think of my posts as annoying. It's fine, really. Other people thinking I'm annoying due to my posting ways kinda calms in a weird way. It's like I'm not alone.

Wow, I keep on wording things terribly. That's just me with words in general. Haha.

Yeah, I'm annoyed by how I post and say things, too. Definitely including this one as well as almost all the others. Because.. come on.. it's me.

I'm pretty sure you're fed up with my pity, negativity, and bad bloggerness. And before that, then probably due to my hype and obsessiveness. I already know I'm annoying. Okay. I'm annoying myself by typing this. Well then.

I'm way ahead of any blog hater or lover of mine in this thought process. I already know everything. I bet not everyone expected that of me. Ha, ha.

And since I'm in this thought process already, I gave up overcaring any negative (or even neutral) poll responses. Because I already know I have some viewers who are fed up with me by now. I am too, it's fine. But I've also been getting paranoid if people love or hate me.

I'm done, I have to know. It'll hurt me, sure. I take criticism and rejection to heart. I overthink it in my head for weeks, months, and even years. I still have bad memories in that kind of way from, for example, 2nd grade. Earlier ones too. And I get recurrent memories from all those years ago every few days at least. I'm not "normal" as most other people by this. Heh.

And yeah, paranoia. Fear. Anxiety. That everyone secretly hates me. But then, one criticism or change of tone to be more serious, makes me think that person likes me less or suddenly hates me. It's so easy for me to love a person (certain member/s of my family) over others (kinda like a favorite or safe person, I guess). But one thing they say that I process as them being upset with me, well then I get jealous and start hating them. Because I process that they hate me.

I internalize 99% of my complex emotions from other people. So of course they see me as unaffected and maybe more irritable in some cases. But that's because I don't show it. I let it out here. I know that's annoying and frustrating. But what goes on in my head, I type down onto here. Because there's also that part in my mind that's craving attention and people knowing. Unfortunately though, there's a bigger part in my mind that fears attention. Confrontation too. So I end up blogging about it. Because being confronted in real life is very different from being confronted online. It's true, sorry.

And how I'm constantly in this struggle with thinking my family (mostly parents, honestly) hate me and then love me, then hate me again. And when they hate me, I hate them back. And this is just my mind processing them as hating me. And sometimes I cause them to hate me or whatever, but sometimes it's out of nowhere with no context.

And translating onto internet terms, that's me with people I view as my internet friends. It's easy for me to get hurt emotionally (I'm sensitive as hell), so it's easy for me to view someone as a friend, and the next moment I can be hating them and seeing them as an enemy.

So yeah. I constantly think people secretly hate me. Even if it's for the shortest amount of time, they still have hated me. I just can't let things from the past go as easily as most other people. So I need to know, or else I'll continue to be paranoid about this. I need validation and attention, okay. I kinda am lacking both things in real life.

Sorry. I word everything terribly. Hope you understand what I mean by all that. I'm not explaining that all over again. At least not for this post.

My mind, thoughts, and all that are kinda crazy. Just a full blast of sensitivity, in other words.

I don't know what I'm doing here anymore. I give up.

Bye.

xx