updates + teo?

Hey guys. 

Another update-like post, I suppose. Heh.

I'm feeling better now. Better than the last few days at least. 

But I won't say I'm completely better. Happy. Without hiding away the truth and lying. I haven't been truthfully that kind of happy in so long. 

Heh. 

Oh yeah, that too. I kind of have been getting story ideas again. For a while now, I wanted to change everything completely. Because I'm not that, it horrifies me, it's a monster. To me, to you, to anyone who has come in contact with it. It's painful, it's triggering. I know it all. Heck, this freaking story is gonna haunt and scar me for who knows how long. 

But I've been getting those story thoughts again. I want to change it so bad. I was so clueless and stupid when I incorporated certain aspects into the story. Just thinking about those harsh things wants me want to lose contact with all of you and the ones on here before that I once knew. Perhaps hurt myself. 

Heh.

But the only thoughts I've been getting to improve it at least a little bit are ones where the plot remains in this dark and harsh way. No stupid romance. No fake happiness. No more contradictions. No more lies. It's not a happy story. The ending is triggering, even to me now. It's painful, and it hurts. A lot. But there's no way around it. Not at this point. It can't truthfully and successfully end if it doesn't end like that. Instead of adding in the useless fake positivity, I want to be straightforward. It's not happy. I'm not happy. I'm sorry.

I feel like a failure if I don't continue writing it till the very end. This whole thing has long gone been past the joke part of it. It's serious to me now. So my writings of it turn more serious. Grammar wise and plot wise. They've grown with me. They're extremely screwed up versions of my thoughts. And thoughts are negative to say the least. And those types of thoughts are the ones I write best. 

 I'll go back to it at some point. No more obnoxious love fantasy. Just the cold, hard truth. 

You won't get what I'm saying. Good. That's one thing I'm doing right. 

Let's just say certain aspects, certain mistakes, are over. 

But not all of them.

I'm tired. 

Bye.