About Fridays and Anxiety

Hey guys.

I realized something about Fridays. (lol nobody cares)

So, haha, the thing I realized is that for the past few weeks, I never made posts on Fridays.

It's like it seems I deliberately don't post on that day of the week.

But don't you worry, I'm not that well-planned out at all. The reality is that on every Friday recently, I'm in at least one circumstance.

1. I'm busy doing non-Blogger stuff.
2. I'm too tired.
3. I'm too dead inside (I mean sick).

Seriously, what the heck is with me and Fridays?

It's the day of the week that I most frequently feel sick, and feel like I'm on the brink of having yet another old-fashioned mental breakdown.

Wow. Fridays. More like Crydays. Or Diedays.

I felt bad all day this past Friday. Like really bad.

You know what, guys? I dedicate this weekend (Friday - Sunday) to darkness my old friend.

So much anxiety these past few days. Today too.

It's ironic. All these anxiety mental health sites I've visited describe having an anxiety attack (aka a panic attack) starting from the heart. But for me it either always starts in my stomach or head. Both hurt very badly. And they say that starting having anxiety from the stomach instead of the heart is weird. But then I start shaking. Like what is this it's not even cold. No fam, I'm not shivering because it's cold. That's my irrational anxiety.

No fam, I'm not sick. It came out of nowhere. Okay, maybe it was overthinking thoughts from hell. But still. If I overthink bad thoughts in excruciating detail too far, I have symptoms similar to that of an anxiety attack. Which is why I call these situations I have anxiety attacks. Ironically, the only symptom I don't get is feeling like I'm having a heart attack. In the less common ones, I dissociate and feel like I might faint. Those most often happen in school when people talk about hot temperatures.

Seriously, don't talk about hot temperatures with me. I've had a few bad experiences with hot weather. Heatstroke and being hated for having one in the hot car. Wow, stop hating me, gosh fam, you know my stomach has always been flawed and overly sensitive. Pfft.

On another random note, I was bored the other night. So I ended up taking this "neurotypical test". It said I was 34% neurotypical. So just because I'm an introvert and don't like being social for too long, I'm not typically brained? Wow sunny.

Everyone irl hates me for being an introvert instead of extrovert. And how it's hard for me to be comfortable to talk with new people or people I don't see daily. I get shunned for being like that a lot. The internet is different. Probably because I'm not communicating with people over the internet in person. And they don't see my face. Which is so ugly right now. I hate acne. Stupid anxiety.

And how it's much harder for me and stress-inducing for me to do every-day tasks. Which my family fails to understand (mostly the female members of my family though). Doing that stuff is scary for me. I can't just do that like they can.

And being criticized for not joining new clubs, or signing up for more volunteerwork, or applying for jobs. New things with new people are scary. 9 times out of 10 I'll overthink every bad thing that can happen in all those situations. How everything can go wrong. How I'll be rejected or criticized. Negative words stay with me much, much longer than positive words.

Which then leads to them (aka the human female members of my family) criticizing me for not hanging out with friends. It's hard for me to start conversations with friends, nevertheless hanging out with them. And besides, I'm not sure if I even have any real irl friends left. I keep on feeling like more and more of my irl friends forgot about me, abandoned me, drifted away from me, or just don't even consider me their friend. So of course I have trust issues over "friends". They refuse to believe that, nevertheless believe that internet friends can be my best friends. So then they accuse me of being friendless when I tell them this.

So all of that constant hurtful remarks that I get at least weekly, led to me making that "Heartless" vent.

Yeah because I'm totally hurting them more than myself who feels depressed due to all this.

Ugh.

And that stuff I said above. Fear of criticism, fear of rejection. Fear of new and unfamiliar social interactions. Fear of some every-day tasks. Feeling inferior than everyone else. No wonder I feel like I lifted a weight of failure off my chest when I find avpd (avoidant personality disorder) that has symptoms I relate to all too well. Even more than ones in social anxiety. However, I still feel uncomfortable being completely certain that I have it.

So that's that.

Bye guys.