i need better post titles

I need better post titles. I really do. So anyway, I'm going to ramble on about myself. As I always do. Ok then.

So, first off, I was right. I knew it. It's partially my fault, if not all my fault. Yet this routine still seems surprising to me. Which, well, sucks.

Today (Tuesday) was a far worse day in school than Monday. It was a pretty unlucky day, alright.

It's kinda strange how I'm starting to like my A days better than my B days (Tuesday was a B day). I like my B day subjects more, but recently I like A days better. Maybe because B days leave me exhausted/bitter/upset when I come home, and I wake up to feeling anxiety in my gut. Eh, just an odd observance I noticed.

Oh yeah. A days and B days are 2 separate days, and it's how my school's class schedule work. Eh, they say all blocks (class periods) are equal times, but 2nd block always seems the longest. Even longer than 1st or 4th. Which is saying something.

Ew school. But anyway, commenting. Um yeah.

If you see that I replied to a comment at any time between 11:30 and 11:45 AM on a weekday, and you notice how my comment sounds repetitive and short-sentenced or whatever bad trait I'm missing here, well.. I'll explain. If it even is explaining, haha. Ok so.

From those times, I have lunch. Which means more freedom from schoolwork while still in school. I also have the easiest chance of logging into and checking my Blogger stuff. So, the thing is, I realized that even more of my middle school friends are now.. much different-minded than me. Which in turn results in me communicating less and having fewer friends in school. So I avoid talking to them (I wish I could just talk like any other decent human, but I just can't, plus our friend vibes aren't as strong as they used to be so the thing we had is lost now). But I feel self-conscious just looking at them. And then some of them are now closer friends with this person I don't like. So, using my school iPad that thankfully doesn't block Blogger like the other useless sites it blocks while in school, I check my Blogger. Doing this, I hide my iPad under the table because I feel very scared of the fact that anyone in my school knows what I'm doing. People already have made fun of me for who knows how long, so I get anxiety at the idea of anyone knowing what I'm doing. Ugh yes, I've technically been bullied before. And I lost my trust in people my age, especially school people. So that doesn't help at all. Plus my level of self insecurities is through the rooftop. So anyway, my comments probably sound poor because I'm typing very fast hoping autocorrect is working, and I'm constantly afraid that someone else will notice what I'm doing on my iPad or phone. Because more likely than not people will judge me even more negatively. It's pretty obvious. Meh.

Despite everything, I still like to check my Blogger in school.

Like of course everyone isn't mean. Most are. But some do it in hidden ways. Probably because I'm an oversensitive, mentally problematic, nerdy trashcan. People just say negative things quietly to their friends or by gestures, and they think I don't notice but I do. But like, for example this one time, I was chatting with these 2 other classmates who are pretty friendly to me. And then they said something about how "there's something wrong with you if you don't have friends and socialize because you can't live if you're antisocial". And me being the sensitive trash I am, internalized what they're saying as "hello, that's me, they're talking about me, ffff". I just can not socialize as normally as the average person. Spend a day with me is like spending a day with another person in awkward silence. It's not like I have anxiety about every social situation, I just can not socialize well.

And hell no. I can't just reach out. Telling other people certain things just makes me more anxious. I had this experience that I view as bad in the school counselors' office. The people there made it a bad experience for me. Being with any adult in school just causes more anxiety and terrible feelings. So many of them (especially teachers) expect us students to be outgoing and extroverted and happy kids, and that what they tell them shouldn't stick to them (the semi-offensive stuff, not the academic stuff). Well, I'm the opposite of all that. Even what students are into. I'm not interested in any relationships, I'm not interested in anything intimate, including friendships. So I'm this weirdo loner who's aloof.

They're doing it on purpose. They love making me suffer internally until I die inside.

Screw high school being the "best years of my life". If anything, high school has made me mistrust nearly everyone who isn't a family member, and have depressive and anxious tendencies more often than ever before. I don't know how I'll possibly survive up to and during college. Great, huh.

I doubt anyone other than family really gives a damn about me. People irl.

I fail at living.

Sometimes those very few truthfully nice friends save my day from turning into something much worse.

Thankfully, Tuesday was one of them.

But Tuesday hasn't been that good overall.

Mostly my fault. I know, alright.

Crap, it's past midnight.

Well, bye.