hmm huh -+

Hello there. It is I. Cutepups.

Oh I guess I should mention that the weird right side of my body pain has mostly gone away by now. So that's one good thing.

I'm such a mess lol pls help.

For two days, I've been staying isolated in my room without going anywhere else. Laying down so much. Afternoon naps.

Yeah. That's bad. I'm bad. Mm oh no.

I was very sad and bad feelings before but then I stared at that gross tumblr app for quite a few hours. I hate myself lmao.

One week until school starts. Oh no. 

Haha, I can mentally and physically feel my mental health going downhill. Mm. :'^)

I might.. uh.. not have enough Vitamin D. Lol whoops. 

(Disclaimer: I didn't even laugh or say "lol" when I typed "lol" and "Lol" in this post.)

I had to get so many shots this year. Ugh heck.

I had a blood test at this time last year, but now I'm being told that I'm gonna get another blood test in one of the next few days. I hate, I hate! 

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! :"} 

I have so many regrets, you guys have no idea how much I hate myself. Like omg why me why.

I might have been able to get real help. But no, say that crap instead. 

Hhhhh aaaaaaaahhhhh !!!!!!! :-)) 

I wanted to vent using poetry, but I don't have the motivation to write good enough poetry to my standards right now.

I hate thinking that everyone who has interacted with me and actually knows me actually hates me. I mean haha, irrational thinking oh boyy.

I'm a stubborn burden I guess. I mean that must be true to some degree since I'm told that basically every day now.

I reach out. People don't hear me or they pretend they don't. Are they ignoring me? Or are they actually busy? I don't know! What do I get so worked up over? Why am I worrying so much over this crap? Why?!

They've got their own problems to attend to, Cutepups, so stfu.

Oh and my name. I keep on getting more and more annoyed and disconnected with my real name. I just hate hearing it by certain people sometimes. Like most of the time. Which is pretty bad.

The only S name I like right now is Spirit. Which is a word and not even a name. But oh well.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Anyone else wish they could just take off their boobs at will? Cus that's like mood. 

So I'm broke af. So you think that would make me want a job more than anything else right now? Wrong. The idea of getting a job is terrifying and after applying to so many and getting too anxious to call back or anything, I'm getting nowhere. 

Haha anyways.

I never liked having boobs. They and bras made me uncomfortable a little. Or a lot.. idk. So I don't own that many bras because screw it. Well, one of them broke. I mean I guess you could call being stabbed in the ribs by one of those wires or whatever the hell they're called can mean it's broken. And now I've been wearing the few other bras I have. And well, they're uh.. small.

I am the definition of healthy living! XD 

Sometimes my chest just aches when I think about having one. By that, I mean having a chest. Haha wtf Cutepups. XD 

Kinda want to buy me some sports bras to try a trick. ;) xxxxxx////\\\\\\

Breaking self is the mood, lads. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. :"0 

(By few, I mean 3 regular bras. XD) 

What else......?

I got this spam comment on my previous post. Yeah umm.. I don't give a crap if my post title isn't that well for advertising. That post wasn't typed for me to try to sell my blog and its products to you. Wtf.

I'm fine with keeping that post title as "trashy updates" thank you very much. 

(Sometimes) I'm not a fan of being alive (in this human form). :-] 

Oh wait! W-Wait just a minute! Positivity statements. :) 

I like.. about myself.. me:

1. I like how people think I'm funny online.

2. I like trying to make others happy and positive. (Me- ??)

3. I like how I'm better at replying to my friends' texts now.

4. I like how my story plans are much better now than what they were 2 years ago.

5. I think my skits are funny. I like them.

6. I like that I passed my driver's test despite failed attempts. Failed once doesn't mean failure forever.

7. I passed all my classes in high school. So far. Haha.

8. I like how Sunshine (my dog) listens to me more now.

9. I like how my online friends/mutuals think I'm a nice, cool, and funny person.

10. I like how I'm slowly improving my art (drawings).

There, those are ten positive self-affirmations. Yay. :+) 

Yeah idk what else to say. 

--------------

Bonus: <3 

Just like how Spirit is another online name I go by, so is Blue. Blue is another word for sad.

Blue Filter (Part II):

I'm sick of being blue 

I hate this filter

This blue filter

That covers my body and soul

I'm growing tired of all this

Blue paint that has tainted my skin

Blue is better than monochrome 

I said I would never become monochrome again 

But I keep on breaking promises

I'm made of broken promises 

I lied and I lied

I'm hiding the fact that

I never actually got any better

I hid my fears in this monochrome shell

Of who I once was 

Take off the blue filter

Wipe me clean of the blue paint

And you'll see that

I never did break that monochrome shell

I can't get rid of it 

It will always be a part of me

Without that and my blue exterior

Then I'll be nothing at all

The other colors never learned how to stick

They disappear under just one wash

Oh I'm sick of being blue

I'm sick of being monochrome to my core

This time I'll tell the truth

I'm ready to drown in all the different colors 

The world has to offer 

Because I'm so sick of being

Blue

Because now I want to be a 

Rainbow 

So get rid of the filter 

Let every color seep through the cracks

I want to feel different emotions

I want to be different colors

I'm done with saying

Filter me blue

Now drown me in all the colors

And don't you dare let me 

Hold myself back 

.........

11. I like this poem. 

trashy updates

Haha haah. It's 1 am.

Updates on my trashy body:

Even after taking Advil and a nap, the pain is still here. Actually, it got worse lmao.

That weird and painful feel in my right ear, neck, shoulders, and right arm. Mm omg this sucks.

My body is basically a trashcan.

Ugly, smells bad, gross.. yeah that's me.

I don't want to fall asleep. I'm gonna try and sleep after posting this though. Lol "try".. pfft.

I hate sleeping. I hate being awake. I hate existing. 

Why can't I be a ghost? Why must I have a physical body form? 

Being alive.. this fool.. what a sad joke. I'm a sad joke.

Eww, I still feel like crap. 

Pets are life saviors. I live for them. I love them.

Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever post everything I want about my story characters. And write everything down and post.

My way of thinking is so toxic. This is bad...

I really messed up. Yet again. Ayy what can I say? I live to disappoint.

I can't help but to.

Regret.

Let's just say that I ruined myself even more. Yep... 

Doctors and dentists are scary and make me uncomfortable. I hate these questions. What else could I have said? 

Not having a purpose or at least knowing what it is isn't an answer? Oh okay...

Sorry but actually there are a lot of things wrong with me. I'm full of errors. 

Goddddddd idkkkkkkk 

Lmao it's hard to think about your own future when you don't even see yourself in it. 

: ) <3 <3 

If I get motivation, I'll make better posts later at some point. 

August is almost over. Another reason to feel bad. :( 

I luv u.

Bye.

<3 <3 <3 !!! 

uhhhghh

Hi.

The upper half of my right arm feels weird in a bad way right now. The heck is this? :(

I wanna talk on here.....

.... I always talk on here, smh Cutepups.

So anyway, let's start.

I don't really like that poem I just wrote. Flawed attempt. Pfft, it's bad lol.

I was worrying a lot yesterday and the day before. I still am but about something else now.

About anxiety, I was thinking about my old posts before. I mean the ones where I was like, "lol so then I got dizzy and really warm and couldn't breathe lol".. ugh.

Well now, I'm just laughing at how I worded those old posts. Because like.. well.. those things are called panic attacks, smh.

Hell experiences. Ha, ha. :))

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I really have to stop making posts where I say I'm gonna do something big within a certain limited amount of time.

I especially mean the fact that I said I was gonna write the chapter with the tragic The Scene TM before school starts for me.

That will be Chapter 77, most likely.

I live to disappoint. I can't do all this. I lied. I can't do this. I'm sorry.

School nearly starts in a week. Ugh.

(I'm in pain right now, so I might make another post later.)

I have so many drawings that I didn't finish yet because I don't want to anymore. But I said I would post them.

I said I would write more and better poetry. But I didn't.

I need to stop breaking my own promises. I can't even live to my own blogging expectations.

I know what I said. I never did all those great things that I said I would do.

I do have all these great ideas, but I don't have the motivation to actually create them.

I have so many Duke posts in mind. Same for Twinkle.

No promises regarding me actually posting all of them.

Gah..........

I'm trash. A walking trashcan.

Really though.

Life is hell. Maybe that's why death is called heaven.

Huh.. interesting.......

Bye.

Year of the Dragon

Trying to write poetry again. I'm a little rusty. ^-^'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It happened the other day

I was in the car with my family

In pain and in a daze

Cars sped past ours in a blur 

Next thing I knew was

Seeing the flash of red ahead 

Red light again

Being forced to stop

Can't move forward no more

That's when I paid attention to the radio

The spokesperson was talking about

Those Chinese animal year signs

I don't know why but he wanted to

Talk about one in particular

The one he chose was the

Year of the dragon

By then I was out of my daze

That year was also my birth year

The person on the radio talked about

People born in the

Year of the dragon

That meant that I was

Another person that could connect to his

Studies of people born in the

Year of the dragon

I want to believe I'm a dragon

Just like they are

If only I could believe 

Those words I was hearing

But no matter how hard I tried

I just couldn't 

What a no good for use dragon am I 

If I can't believe in dragons

If I can't believe in myself

Like I'm supposed to be 

Then the guy from the radio

Said something that made me think

Maybe I could end up believing in myself enough

To believe that I'm also a dragon

He said that fellow people born in the

Year of the dragon

End up being very successful

Compared to people of different years

Without even knowing how

Successful and valuable 

They knew they were 

If only I could believe in myself

That I am also a dragon with the

Capability to fly 

But no matter how hard I try

I find myself not being able to

I know that those other people

Became very successful

Without thinking they were successful 

In the beginning at all

I'm from the dragon years just like them

But I guess I'll just be that dragon

Laying on the ground on top of a mountain

Unable to spread my wings and fly 

I wish I could think that I 

Could one day become successful

But it's hard when life has me tied up

It's hard to fly when I'm stuck on the ground

Sorry to say that I'm continuing to sink

To an even lower low point than before

I'm being buried alive

I'm sinking in this hole

Right now life has me tied up

So no I can't just fly and be free

I wish I could see myself as successful

But right now that's only a lie

I'm sick of all the lies

I can't lie and say I'll be successful

Because when I look at me in the future 

I don't see me there at all

And especially not 

A successful dragon who is flying amongst the stars 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

..... yeah eww this is bad

I wanted to write about this. 

It's 2 am now.

I'm tired, sad, and scared.

Bye.

Reacting to Old Character Content

Hi again lmao.

Looking at August 2015 posts again. And one old 2016 post.

This time it's about my........

Best Problematic Bros TM

(By that, I mean Danny (Fierdan) and Ryen.)

But first let me talk about Duke, whom I love.

(df whomst?)

It's about this chapter with iconic Duke scene. http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2015/08/twinkles-story-chapter-46.html

Oh and then there's Twinkle, my best blue girl.

Twinkle: @birds wtf 

Ok so, Chapter 46. That was when Duke was fighting like the rebel son he is or something against Fierdan, and he hated having black flames.

(This is a big spoiler, but screw it.)

In 2015 and the 40s arc, Duke was obviously against black fire and wanted nothing to do with Fierdan. In Chapter 46, he freaked out when someone noticed and touched his black flames.

In other words, Duke was scared of actually killing someone. Yeah despite him having killer urges before to either other people or himself. Basically, Duke back then didn't seriously want to kill someone.

And in a recent chapter, Dawn is with Duke and she explicitly tells Duke to basically not be so afraid of using black fire and feel so restricted about it. She makes Duke think about his black fire in a different light. Dawn tells Duke that he can try defeating phantoms with black fire. So now Duke doesn't hate black fire as much as he once previously had.

 (Spoilers ~~)

 

In Chapter 76, there's going to be a fight between Duke and Dawn vs Taurel, Risak, and maybe Sparkle too. Duke is going to use mostly orange fire though.

So anyway, skip a few chapters.

At the very end of the 70s arc or beginning of the 80s arc, there will be a scene in a chapter that definitely shows that Duke doesn't think the same way about his black flames as in Chapter 46.

(If you're wondering about Ardere, well I'm sorry.)

So in this future chapter, Duke isn't afraid of using black flames. Which in turn means he isn't afraid of hurting and killing someone he uses the flames against.

Because of the events in Chapter 76 and 77, Duke grows the most angry and sadistic-like he's ever been.

(It's called trauma, Brock.)

So what I'm trying to say is......

Duke in a few chapters from now will be the opposite of what Chapter 46 Duke believed. And well, that's character development.

Future chapter Duke uses his black flames to the strongest and fullest force the fire Elemental Power has been possibly ever used. Which, well, is a lot of power and force.

When that scene happens, Duke is going to use a few times more black fire than Fierdan ever used at one time. And Fierdan is the Black Fire King. So Duke to use more black fire than Fierdan.. whoa there.

And to make sure Duke ditched his past thoughts about black fire, he's using this intense amount of black fire against someone. Which in turn means that yes, Duke (not Fierdan) does actually brutally kill another person.

Yeah haha, I love that scene. Still have to write it though, pfft.

Demonic Duke.. <3 

There are reasons, don't worry. Duke is scary and not a joke in the story, geez. 

Violence.. mm oh yeah.

........ I talked about Duke for too long. Now I'm in a rush. Ugh shoot why.

http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2015/08/continuing-with-fierdan-stuff.html

http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2016/03/sorry-bro-related-to-teo.html

Danny (Fierdan) and Ryen. Those iconic and extremely problematic bros.

Lmao wtf is that old character content? XD

They're both so young. I said (in another old post I think but still) that at their current ages, they're both teenagers. 

But like. Ryen isn't a teen. And like, isn't Danny 19? Lol df.

Hahahahahaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!! :'D XD 

This brother relationship isn't nice at all. It's very messed up. There's no love; there's hate. 

Ryen isn't innocent either. He's just as guilty if not more than Danny.

He lied. He knows what's going on. Ryen isn't a good brother and boy in general.

And of course there are my two drawings of Danny and Ryen.

Danny doesn't have light brown hair wtf. It's very dark brown that's like a shade lighter than black hair like his brother's.

Oh and lmao they ain't just white. Partially, yeah I guess, but not just white.

Yeah lol true.

Now time for my updated version of where Danny and Ryen have family from (is that worded correctly idk?) if their time on Earth is like Earth today.

Uh.. they both.. uhhhhhhh

Either a Central America country or Caribbean island or Pacific island. 

Yeah lol. One of those lands idk.

And the other half or whatever is like somewhere in Europe. 

But they, just like the rest of the characters, would live in what would be called North America. Most likely the United States though.

Fun fact: I never really thought of Duke having pale skin. 

Wtf am I even saying here? 

I keep on thinking of Fierdan speaking so soothingly and fluently in another language with English sounding so awkward in comparison.

But his primary language would be English. 

Haha yeah. It's because he would be saying that other language in scenes when it comes to spells and rituals (all that cursed magic mystery stuff, ooh).

What other language? Probably Latin. 

Plus Spanish and maybe an Asian language too..? Yeah idk what.

What does this say, Cutepups? 

idk lol bye 

~ Cutepups 

Songs and My Characters (?)

Ok I'm back lmao. This is gonna be published after midnight though. Yeah whatever, on with the post.

Earlier, I was looking through my August 2015 posts. Either for the heck of it or because I hate myself. (It was both..)

One post I looked at was this one: http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2015/08/characters-singing-1.html

So after reading that, I realized I never actually made another post like that one. Geez come on, Cutepups, it's been two years now.

(I thought the Blogger app glitched and broke. I got so scared for a second there. This old and malfunctioned app can't get deleted; I need it to post.)

Anyway....

Reading that old post made me want to make a part 2 to that.

But 2017 Cutepups has a slightly different idea than 2015 Cutepups.

For around a month or two now, I've been working on a song that's about the events of Twinkle's Story that Twinkle would sing. (I would sing the lyrics in the shower lmao tf is this.)

And this song is mainly about the events in these two chapters: 

http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2017/02/twinkle-story-chapter-61.html

http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2017/03/twinkle-story-chapter-68.html

(Chapters 61 and 68)

I'm hoping to post the song soon. 

It's about Twinkle and her thoughts about Duke. (Dukle- what's that?)  

(I love them as a duo and parallels, but not as a couple anymore. Dukle: DukeXTwinkle.)

It's definitely not a love song though. Oh heck no.

If I like my voice and knew I sing decently, I would sing the song for you guys. Pfft, that's a bad idea. XD 

I also have vague ideas for skits where the other characters sing songs together.

(Duke and Finny singing songs together as a duet is canon now though, mm boys whom I love together.)

I could make posts like that. Why not, y'know.

Fierdan.. I have songs and poems for him. (I love him for many ideas that I can't reveal to you yet.)

Fierdan.. mm, what a guy. 

Mm yes. 

Stop screwing up their minds........

>:)

Another few posts are coming soon.

But bye for now.

~ Cutepups

hey hair

Lol yes.

I'm gonna publish another post right after this one.

Geez, it's past 10:30 and I said I was gonna post a lot today. Smh me.

(Blogger app keeps logging me out. Stop this.)

I was gonna post about something else, but things happened that made me want to type about hair. 

Yeah pfft lmao.

Ok so here's what happened.

I was playing with my hair. I took a shower. I stared at that stranger in the mirror (that be me). And then my friend texted me and we were talking about our gross hair.

So now my mind is like, "... hair ...".

Ok so lol umm........

I recently got a haircut. And like, I always get my hair straightened afterwards over there.

And when I had my straight hair, my hair looked the same length it was before. Which was to the bottom of my shoulders.

Well anyway, I have very thick and curly natural hair. Yeah heck rip tf is this.

So now that it isn't straight anymore, I noticed that my hair does look different in length now.

(Yes Cutepups, cutting off almost 3 inches would make your hair look shorter than before. Wow..)

Yeah so my hair looks more short than medium length. Now it just reaches the bottom of my neck. Yeah wow. Shorter than my shoulders (only when curly tho).

I think this is the second shortest haircut I got. (Well it would be nearly impossible to go shorter than the first shortest except if I got my head shaved lmao).

Uh.. story time! 

For around a year (more or a little less, idk forgot) I had this little goal to gradually cut my hair short. And can I just say that ever since I cut mine to shoulderlength, I hated my natural hair far less. For example, I don't feel as uncomfortable having my hair loose instead of tied up. It's so much easier to take care of too, which I appreciate a lot.

I used to hate my hair a whole lot, but now I don't hate it that much. Like, I don't hate my curls that much anymore. Which is a different concept, wow huh.

Me, happy with my hair? Whoa, that's different alright.

(I kinda still want to cut my hair shorter. Just shave the bottom of my head for the heck of it.)

And other people like my hair at this length too. Nowadays, I doubt I'll grow my hair out long again. Heh, heh yeah.

So what's the point, Cutepups, you ask?

Hair can be a burden and insecurity to people. It definitely has been for me lol, maybe for you too. And like.. don't be afraid of experimenting with your hair. Like for real though, it's fine to cut your hair shorter.

If you have longer hair and never cut it short before, you probably have no idea how heavy hair is. It's heavy ok lol. 

Cutting it is like getting a heavy burden off my head. And like, it feels good? Pfft yeah lol.

And honestly, screw anyone who says people of a certain gender can't or shouldn't have short hair. People can do whatever the heck they want.

When I think back to it, I was so upset at getting my hair chopped off those few years ago. But not too long after that, I would get a ton more compliments on my short hair which made me like my hair more than when it was long.

Maybe I'm lucky, maybe the same will happen to you. Yeah idk where I'm going with this. Screw haters, you'll probably look more than okay with cutting your hair a little shorter than usual. 

Maybe you'll end up like me and like yourself more with shorter hair. :) yeah.

This might be because of my hair and me questioning my exact gender label, but now more than ever when I look at my reflection, I don't immediately think of my face being feminine only. I swear I look more like a guy than a girl at certain angles. Well, more of a gender neutral or androgynous face. Haha sure.

(I've been sitting weirdly and now my tailbone hurts a little. Good job, Cutepups you fool.)

Idk what gender is anymore lmao. It frustrates me and I'm giving up. One part of me is all for nonbinary identities, and the other half is not.

And like.. it's so frustrating living like this and overthinking and analyzing everything all the time. I'm living like this hell of a mess, and at the same time I'm questioning (for several months now but more intensely nowadays) whether I'm actually cis or nonbinary (leaning towards female somewhat/times).

Like I don't really mind being referred to as a she, a he, or a they. Like I don't care. Call me a fool for all I care. More often now, I get a very little bit annoyed being called "her" all the time. Saying "their" sounds a little nicer to me. But I like "her" no less or maybe more than "them", and I'm fine with "they" and "he" just as much as "she".

(What the heck is this...)

I doubt it, but I guess I could make a post delving into gender and my feelings. It's confusing as heck.

Yeah idk my identity at all. It's just a guess and check game.

: ) well ok then

Bye for now.

~ Cutepups (more like C. Pup)

oops

Hi.

.....

Oops. 

I didn't make any more posts yesterday. I had another very busy and long day. I wasn't home, so I couldn't post. And I was too tired to make a post when I came home.

Well, I'm here now. :)

This is gonna be another short post, and I'm gonna create more posts later today.

Alright so. Uh..

I see that someone voted on my new poll. Thanks! I appreciate it!

Oh and I'm in a good mood today (so far), so I feel like posting a lot now.

I also changed the followers name from "Mystical Sparks" to "Mistians".. not sure if anyone noticed that yet. I don't like the name "Mystical Sparks" being used to refer to followers anymore. Then I suddenly remembered that one of my dedicated old viewers came up with the word, Mistians, to call my followers. So now I'm using that.. yay.

Be prepared for a spam of new posts. >:)

~ Cutepups 

morning notice

Hi. Short post time.

Yesterday and the day before made me think of a bunch of new poem ideas.

A lot happened yesterday too that I could post about.

I'm gonna try to create some more posts today to make up for my lack of posting this month.

I do not promise no negative posts. Sorry-not-sorry about that.

Oh and I turned the question into a poll. Please, at least one person vote. Preferably more than one though.

Bye for now.

~ Cutepups 

eclipse day 2017

Hello~

I won't make this post as negative. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

So hey. Today was the eclipse day. Yeah wow.

Nothing really changed where I am though. Pfft.

Did any of you experience the eclipse? Those few minutes of darkness? 

(Why do I even bother asking? I know nobody answers me anymore.)  

Here's another opportunity for you to comment more easily: What name sounds better, something that sounds like (idk if I'll end up spelling it differently)......  

Alice or Akira?

I'm stuck, ugh. Please help this fool.

It's for this girl with dark hair and blue eyes. Probably with a pale face too.

I'll ask this again if nobody comments anything.

 

Well anyway, my eclipse day. Psst, it's boring.

It started off with my parents going to the store to see if there were any more special eclipse glasses. Which there weren't.

I had to go to the library. Apparently, the glasses were being given out there. But there weren't any left when I got there. Yeah, how tragic.

Just had a partial eclipse over here lol smh.

So then fastforward a few hours, and my parents and I just sit outside for like two hours. 

The sky didn't turn black. What a disappointment.

At one point, it was a little harder to see shadows. And I could hear the crickets more loudly.

That's it. Yeah lol told you it was boring.

But on a different topic, I'm into yet another story art project. 

Oh, I mean two. They overlap a lot though.

I call them: "Sons of Z" and "Children of C"

Yes. ;; :o

Oh and I kinda have an idea for a new poem that I might post one day.

Yay nice! :)

Bye, bye. <3

~ Cutepups 

hey so some things

Alright, here goes nothing. Have another post I guess.

Well for one, I'm not as tired nor taking as many naps throughout the day. Yeah heh nobody cares.

Saw a lot of family this week. Hectic, you could say. Yeah wow. It'll be okay though. 

Tomorrow is the solar eclipse. That's exciting. I have no plans involving the eclipse though. Meh.

Oh and I had this dream where I was creating a blog post on here (my iPad) but the text was in my handwriting. Basically, I was handwriting my long posts. Yeah lol what a nerd I am. I think about blogging way too much. Because I'm a loser and hate myself.

Wait what...

Yes. :-)

It's already the 20th. Dang, time is passing by quickly. That's scary in a way.

Want me to be honest? Ok sure.

I haven't been posting as often anymore because I don't see the point anymore. Blogging isn't that fun anymore. I'm just clicking publish to the void. Most comments I still get are spam ones on my Fire Hair post. It gets lonely; I feel lonely. When I get my hopes up that someone else is interested in my posts, it ends up being a spambot. Who am I posting to? What am I posting for? 

What do I have to post about on a daily basis? I have close to nothing. I hate posting about my daily life and personal stuff. Nearly all my personal stuff is boring and sad. I'm boring and sad.

I don't have much energy to keep this motivation game up.

I don't like being alive and being forced to think about my future and grownup things every single damn day. I hate that this is life.

I hate the state that the world is in right now. It's definitely a mad world. Life is cruel, and happiness is an illusion that only children truly believe.

Now when I look at people older than me, I see no genuine happiness. Their happiness is fake. I know better now. They pretend happiness to remain sane. That's life I guess.

I really think that certain family members are making me feel worse about myself on purpose. I hate living like this. 

Ugh...

I said I would write more poems this year. Yeah right. Haha sure. What a lie.

Lmao why am I even alive? 

Fiction. 

Unfortunately, reality and fiction don't really mix.

I really don't know how I'll live without fiction. My story and other fictional things. I really don't know.

Will life ever get better? Hearing the current news makes me think otherwise. 

I'm losing motivation because I'm tired of trying to see a point that I can't even see. Nor ever had.

That's the real tea.

wh help

Cutepups is back with a disorganized mess of a post. 

Wh.. what? Help.

.........................................................................

As soon as I published both of those posts yesterday, I realized that I can see the sketch pages of Chapter 75 and 76 doodles behind those drawings. 

I thought that was so funny last night.

Yeah..

-X- -X-

I got my haircut lol. Going to a party in a few hours.

Am I ready? Heck no.

Heck me.

Heck.

-X- -X-

For the past few days, I've been so tired. Took a few naps in one day.

Multiply that for a few days.

And that's me right now.

I feel tired and dizzy today. Well, not as much after I took an Advil, but still. A weird feeling huh.

I sure am the embodiment of healthy! :^)

-X- -X-

It's been even harder to fall asleep because it feels like the crickets and ciacadas are way louder and closer to my bedroom window now.

So loud.. ow.

I don't sleep that well, oops. Sleeping doesn't fix the tiredness, which sucks. 

And having so many stressful dreams doesn't help at all either.

-X- -X-

Like today, I had so many dreams. Even though I wake up a lot in the middle of the night, I still have so many dreams. So what the heck is this, brain? Huh? 

My dreams I remember from this morning:

- I kept on getting lost while driving to school. I was always late. I kept on driving on the turnpike, which makes no sense since (a) I never drove on the turnpike before and (b) the high school isn't off the turnpike. 

- There was this movie being filmed on the front yard of my house. And they weren't even using the full yard; they were just standing under trees near the driveway. One woman there said she was Anne Hathaway.

(These dreams are cryptic and are haunting me. Please help this fool.)

- There was this old woman with her grandchildren (a young boy and girl) standing on my driveway. None of the cars were there, which was weird. I had to babysit them, I think. But this grandma was very rude to me, and kept on lecturing about gender roles. She yelled at me for giving the boy a pink highlighter and the girl a blue one. Then it ended with me informing this woman that gender roles are toxic. She told me to follow her home, but she ignored me when we arrived at her house. She forgot all about me, and then I had to drive to school again.

- Anyway, all three dreams go back to me getting lost while driving to school. I got in trouble for always ditching school. Then I had a breakdown. (Dream-me I mean lol). I talked about how I can't do anything right and am never good enough. (yeah uh.. umm) Then this dream-me was yelling and crying and saying stuff like I should be dead. (That took a dark turn..) 

- And then I was following the actors and actresses from the movie they filmed in front of my house.

Pfft.. that's wild. Cutepups is a wreck! 

I am the embodiment of healthy! Threatening things that sound like suicide in dreams? Haha.. I'm cursed, help this fool. 

I'm actually not making these dream scenarios up. I really did dream these. What messages are these subconscious cryptids sending me? Hmm? Not good news, that's for sure. 

*finger guns* :")) 

-X- -X-

I still feel useless though.

Not good enough.

Not doing enough.

Not doing anything right.

Yeah lol.

-X- -X- 

Am I alive? 

What's going to happen to me?

What will become of me?

Will I ever finish all my plans for Twinkle's Story and write them? 

 

I don't know. I'm sorry.

-X- -X-

Talking about future chapter events is stressing me out a little. Will I actually include all those details in the next chapter? I don't know anymore. I can't stand much pressure. I'm weak, sorry.

But doing so gives me writing goals. I think that made me write Chapter 75 better than older chapters. 

Ahh, I don't know what to do! It hurts. 

No promises on this but. Ryen will be in the next chapter. Hopefully. No promises though.

-X- -X-

I regret what I said.

I shouldn't have said that.

It's haunting me.

Something is wrong. 

There's an error.

In me.

Error.......

I don't know what or who I am anymore.

I don't know what I want for myself anymore.

Help fix this error......... 

Error: lost and unknown 

I don't know. 

welp then

Scribbled this crap today too.

Used another colored filter.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

owo what's this? 

Mmmmmmm well. 

@ drawing: Go home, you're drunk.

This was originally supposed to be Fierdan in a suit with the tie getting loose and flying upward.

But then.. uh.. this happened. XD 

I'm not even sure if this dude even is Fierdan (human version of him in Cincernum). Maybe it's an older human Duke. I really don't know anymore. I wrote Fierdan though, pfft. 

Oh wait.. maybe, just maybe, this is one of those "sinner Fierdan pics" that Ardere found in that one blogging skit where everyone got a tumblr. 

Just.. look at his logic. Incredible. 

"My life is a mess, and I don't give a f*ck anymore." - total mood of this dude right here

Shooting black fire from those two fingers. Dang boy.

Are those shorts or boxers? Who knows.

The logic of wearing a fancy winter coat and scarf with no shirt on and maybe only wearing underwear.

Fire boy df winter outfit logic. Mm omg.

Stop drooling, sinner boy df. Geez. 

Are those black lines under his eyes eyebags or smeared mascara? Who knows.

I'll be back again later.

~ Cutepups 

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Blue Queen | Green Queen

Drew my two best girls. As queens in dresses. Yeah sure.

Used a blue filter.

Human form of course.

Left: Twinkle

Right: Dawn 

Drew Dawn differently this time, as you can see. More curves.. um yeah.

I doubt I'll color this piece.

I'll create another post soon.

I mean it this time.

'Later.

~ Cutepups 

story doodles

Hi. Thanks to a certain person who made me feel better yesterday. <3

So anyway, I want to post some of my recent (not all) Twinkle's Story doodles. 

But since I want to show my favorite drawing out of these first, well, that one will be a wip I'm working on and plan to color.

Yeah. Cool. :)

One of my favorite scenes from Chapter 75. It's my blue girl, Twinkle. I love her. 

I first started drawing that one while writing her POV for the chapter.

Now these next two pictures are a bunch of doodles of stuff that happens during chapters.

Of course the first one I'll show is the one from Chapter 75. I quickly drew this as I wrote the chapter. 

(Drawing them in their original forms is so weird to me now, help.)

So what do we have here? Hmm..

(Dang.. you can see my other art wip in the background here.)

Of course I had to draw Duke in that creepy pose right away. It's when Duke is talking to Sparkle. You know.. when he's right in front of her and his hand (I mean paw) is in front of the lower part of his face and with orange flames. 

Then there's Taurel. Yeah, uh.. heck. I tried to draw him with a creepy-looking facial expression. Those eyes and mouth though.. haha. It's when he's clapping or something like that even though he only has one paw and the other arm ends in bandages.

And then there's Twinkle. I kept on redrawing her face and hair. She looked too evil and like a boy (my drawings of Duke made him look more feminine in comparison) so I redrew it half a dozen times until I just gave up on trying today. The pose is almost the same one in the first picture here. I'll go on about it more when I post the finished piece. 

Alright so for the third and last picture for this post, I doodled them around an hour ago. These are all doodles from the next chapter. 

It starts getting intense in Chapter 76. I really want to start typing it, but my computer is stupid.

Now since this is exclusive Chapter 76 secret content, I won't go on and explain what these doodles are depicting.

I think the only doodle you can understand is the one in the upper right. Maybe the one below that one as well. As for the ones on the left, those are completely new content that hasn't been mentioned in Chapter 75. 

Ok that's it for Cutepups bad art. 

Bye for now. 

~ Cutepups ~ 

hhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhh

List of things. Random thoughts.

Yeah. 

Sorry in advance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Really, pfft? 

Nobody has an opinion on Jinx and Jax? 

Wow gosh ok then.

Fine, I'll let it go.

Giving up.

:-)

-X- -X-

I had a dream where I got a bar of soap. 

The top of it was very sparkly and looked like a green and purple crystal.

That is so interesting, right guys?

Viewers: no view, no comments

Me: alright then XD

Well.. uh.. I think this guy character gave me the soap.

That's weird, Cutepups.

-X- -X-

I wanted to draw fanart for a while now.

But drawing them is hard.

What no.. I totally don't mean anime characters.

.. I mean yes.

And cartoon characters.

Same thing.

-X- -X-

I really hate when I see and/or hear other people talk about how bad their art is.

No, stop that.

You're young. Your art can change. You have potential. Your art is beautiful.

Same goes for people who call themselves ugly.

Stop it! You're not ugly!

Meanwhile I'm the one who lost the opportunity for potential and is actually gross and ugly: :^)

I freaking hate myself. XD :) 

-X- -X-

Behind the lies and fake niceness, I bet everyone who actually knows me hates me.

I'm annoying. I know.

Hate me. XD 

-X- -X-

Sometimes, like now and since yesterday, I feel so itchy everywhere. 

I hate this.

This body prison.

Ugh why life.

Ouch.

-X- -X-

So in 2015 I talked about this future character named Dylan.

Now in 2017, I'm not sure if I'll actually name him Dylan in the story.

.. He was introduced already. ;)

-X- -X-

I feel so damn disconnected from my posts from previous years.

Did I actually write like that?

What the actual heck.

-X- -X-

I'm getting a haircut soon.

I'm in that mood to cut my hair shorter again.

My hair annoys me so much.

It's itchy too. 

Ugh why.

Life is pain, kids. :-)

-X- -X-

Plot twist: Twinkle is a boy.

Boi XD

.. why can't we be boys? 

XD this body df 

This female hecking body df

(The Blogger app just glitched, and I just panicked because this draft wasn't showing up. Hahahaha!!!!)

-X- -X-

I hate typing these posts on the iPad.

Right now, I have no other choice.

I still can't get to the internet on my dumb computer.

That great feel when life things screw you over. 

So great! XD :)

-X- -X-

This is such 2016 Cutepups crap talk but screw it.

Every second that goes by is closer to the time that I'm gonna lose it.

I'm so screwed. Ha, ha, ha.

Without my story and other fiction things, I'll be a lot worse. A whole lot negative. 

Fiction is a distraction, and without it, I'm nothing and have nothing.

Friends.. yeah sure. Those have gotten a bit better this year. 

But I can't help but feel like they (you, reading this? idk) are annoyed with me and can't stand me that much longer. 

The only good things I can talk about are fictional things, and stuff about my pets. 

Because the truth is, real world stuff in this reality are very crappy.

Life unironically sucks, ok.

-X- -X-

Sorry I'm not good enough for anyone. Including myself.

I'm not nice, funny, and extroverted enough.

I know that, damn it.

-X- -X-

I can't go a day without worrying.

It's not important though. I bet life is worse for anyone else reading this crap.

Can't get a break from this life stuff pressure.

Oh no.

Applying for jobs and colleges is terrifying af for me.

Sorry I have anxiety, family. :/

Every. Freaking. Day.

The. Same. Thing.

I really have to start getting serious about this stressful thing in the early fall.

Senior year. Yeah haha so fun. 

No, screw you. :-)

-X- -X-

I can't do this. 

Giving up. XD 

-X- -X- 

I don't care what you say.

I attempted plenty of times. I tried, damn it!

But I don't give a flying f anymore!

I'm sick of trying. I'm sick of failing.

I'm sick of knowing that people hate me, but deny it when I say they do.

I'm sick of having to "face things that give me anxiety."

I'm sick of being forced to know when I don't know crap.

I'm sick of my entire life being an embarrassment compilation.

I'm sick of myself- this body and personality.

-X- -X-

The words they say.

They only enforce the fact that I have no future and won't live as an adult.

Limited time left then. 

XD welp ok

-X- -X-

I get it! I freaking get, damn it!

I don't really care, ok!

They're supportive of me. They want me to be successful. They're just worried about me.

And for what? 

I can't do anything right, and I don't know anything good enough.

I'm so freaking scared. I'm sorry but.

"Help" isn't that helpful.

-X- -X-

.. I remembered why I don't get too personal anymore.

.. fck it tho

I hate myself and want to destroy myself even more now.

I'm not a cool blue dude. 

Sorry.

Nobody is happy. 

Neither am I.

-X- -X-

But I went to the fair yesterday.

I saw so many good dogs there.

That's a good thing, I guess. 

:) - unironically 

-X- -X-

It honestly feels like I'm the only one I know who has to fail a few times before I succeed.

It's like I'm the only one. Everyone succeeds far easier than me.

I hate how I'm like this. Eww gross. :/

I want to give up everything before properly trying enough thousand times.

End me, you fools.

I'm done. 

-X- -X- 

Just kidding.

I'm still here.

I'm a disappointment.

-X- -X-

Text: "aromantic people with romantic attraction"

Me, reading this: ???????? What the df wtf ?????????????????

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

-X- -X- 

That G word is annoying me again.

I hate this crap.

Gender.

What the heck even is that anymore?

What even am I?

Being female really annoys me and makes me uncomfortable sometimes.

But.. gosh, I'm annoyed and confused and frustrated and I hate this crap.

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

-X- -X-

C U T E P U P S

uhh updates

Hey. I'm just gonna list some updates. Yeah.

So first off, my computer is acting dumb again. It has an error message that won't go away. This happened before, and it took so long for it to go away. I feel bummed.

Hopefully, I can fix that mess. Heh..

And so I'm typing this on my iPad. (As one example, I had to retype that one sentence 3 times.)

But not all is bad...

I saved some photos I took on my phone onto my iPad. Thanks to me for uploading them to dA.

When I said I was going away for a few days on the Chapter 75 post, one place I visited was this plant conservatory. The only photos I took were from the butterfly garden there.

The first photo I'm going to show is my favorite one.

Haha yep. :)

Beautiful butterflies. <3

I know the first two are monarchs, but I'm not sure about the last one.

-X- -X- 

I'm so annoyed with myself. Pfft.

I drew this cute TV head person on my computer that I wanted to feature in a blog post. But I can't really get it now. Ugh.

About art, I feel like the only good post ideas I have now are me posting my drawings. Well, besides my chapter posts of course.

I have lots of Twinkle's Story related drawings I could work on and finish. 

But now I really feel like I should try and draw some more different fan-arts. Hmm, I might give that a shot.

Oh and maybe I'll draw my non-story OCs more. Yeah haha, I have other characters. 

-X- -X- 

I have this fantasy creatures AU for my Twinkle's Story main characters. I know what I'll do with two characters (Duke and Dawn) but that's it. 

Eh, I'll explain. By that, I mean they're dressed up as fantasy creatures. 

Duke: phoenix 

Dawn: seelie (fae?) 

What are those nature creatures called? Hmm, I guess Twinkle can be a blue phoenix.

I guess I could draw Fauna as a non-human style angel.

Yeah, that's really it. I don't know what to do for anyone else.

-X- -X-

Pfft. Nobody answered my question about Jinx and Jax. I'm curious, guys. 

I wonder how you'll feel about them when you learn more about them.

I love them. They're pretty interesting guys.

(Omg I almost deleted this post..)

Oh and to be honest, I want to know how you feel about Fierdan. Only from chapter posts.

Has your opinion on him ever changed throughout the story? How about the brother, whose name was recently revealed to be Ryen? 

I wonder how you'll feel about them after you read Chapter 76. Haha. >:')

Oh, oh! The same goes for Dawn. The green girl deserved a much better past. ;;

Man, I sure do love imagining myself drawing the three of them as little kids.

My tragic lives children. ;v;

-X- -X-

I really have to read this book. 

Why am I still typing up this post? 

I don't know.

-X- -X-

This year, this summer. Uh.. well..

I feel like I'm giving off the impression that I'm more chill and happier than last year.

Which is true.. I guess?

But I know I'm also lying. 

Is this because I've been posting less? Perhaps. I only post when I feel motivated to. 

Compared to last summer, I haven't fallen apart. My thoughts aren't as depressing and bad and all that negativity. Death isn't on my mind as much despite me not knowing how I'll live in the future.

So yeah. My mental health isn't as bad as back then.

But here's the thing. 

My thought process is still pretty bad. I have irrational thinking and I overthink.

Anxiety is never fun. 

I dread and panic every day this summer. I'm so scared for school starting and the fall season.

Like.. haha.. why am I so scared? This is stupid, huh.

Jobs and college related stuff. I have fears. 

I don't want to go into it, but I have low self-esteem and don't really like myself at all. Oops.

Ugh, I really don't know how to do and deal with anything. 

Fiction is such a great coping mechanism thing. Seriously.

Bye for now. 

~ Cutepups 

Non-Story Art Trash

Hi. idk.

I drew this for my dA.

I felt like drawing my Bluey in a different way this time.

I have a lot of story drawings, pfft.

I might post again later.

But I haven't been as interested in posting anymore.

Sorry. 

Geez, my art is trash.

See ya.

~ Cutepups 

I went on AJ...

Hi. I don't feel that good today. But hey, have a new post. ^-^"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The adventures of blogging and searching for cryptids has ended. Now since today is Monday, the squad is back for a regular RIM skit.

Sparkle: Alright so. *yawns* The RIM is...

Brock: Yuck! That burger looks a gazillion years old!

Finny: Earth isn't even a gazillion years old, so how can that burger be? 

Brock: Uh.. it was created on another planet.

Sparkle: Ugh, you fools! It's called using food coloring.

[Everyone else enters room.]

Ryen: Billions of years ago, the only living organisms were microorganisms, and they lived in the ocean--
Fierdan: *rolls eyes* And land didn't exist back then either.
Finny: Oh.. sure.. okay.
Fierdan: ... meteor showers every day.
Finny: Umm.. sure.
Duke: You're all nerds! Shut up already!
Twinkle: *sighs* You're a nerd, Duke.
Duke: *face heats up, faces Twinkle* No I'm not!
Twinkle: Oh, that's true. You're more stupid than Fierdan who is supposedly you.
Duke: That's true!
Dawn: *snickers*
Duke: Hey!

[One minute later.]

Ardere: Hey, who's that over there?
Finny: Who? *turns head, looks where Ardere is looking*
Twinkle: Oh no, better run.
Dawn: Why don't I know what's going on?
Duke: Haha, and you called me the stupid one.
Dawn: Twinkle called you stupid, not me.
Duke: Yeah and I don't really care right now. We have to run away from her--

[Suddenly, a girl wearing strange clothing appears.]

???: Ah hello, hello! I have returned!
Fierdan: Who the hell is that?
???: *immediately starts sobbing* You don't remember me!
Fierdan: Ah shoot sorry.
Ryen: Stop making little girls upset!
Fierdan: *looks at Ryen angrily* Geez, sorry I don't know who she is.
Sparkle: Ugh, is anyone gonna explain who this weird girl is?
Duke: I will! That, well, her name is Precious.
Twinkle: And she's crazy.
Duke: A long time back, I was at this mall with Twinkle. There were these clones of Precious everywhere. Like, one had a temper tantrum about paying too much for marshmallows and getting ripped off...
Twinkle: What the hell are you talking about, Duke?
Duke: I.. I really don't know.
Dawn: Well ok then. Nice to meet you, Pre--
Precious: *smiling, no tears in her eyes, jumps up and down* That's right! I'm Precious and have returned!
Duke: What do you want? None of us have marshmallows on us.
Precious: No, I'm not here for marshmallows. I have to talk to this handsome boy.
Duke: Oh.. thank you?
Precious: Not you, silly! *walks past Duke*
Duke: Oh.. okay. *looks disappointed*

[Another minute later.]

Fierdan: *looks confused* You wanted me? But why?
Sparkle: Weren't you just crying because he upset you?
Precious: He didn't upset me. I just thought he would remember me. Right, Fierdan?
Sparkle: Pfft. *steps away from them*
Precious: I have some pictures of me to show you.
Fierdan: Uh.. sure?
Precious: Duke, you can come here!
Duke: Okay. *joins Precious and Fierdan with unease*
Fierdan: What did you want to show us?
Precious: *beaming* These.

Fierdan: Oh.. I remember.

Duke: This is the third time, Precious. 

Precious: No, it's actually the first. The other times, my non-biological twin dressed up as Fierdan.

Duke: Oh.. huh.. weren't you dressed up as me for the other two times?

Precious: Yes.

Duke: Oh ok.

Fierdan: *snorts* Non-biological twin?

Precious: Yep, and I have a picture of them too.

Fierdan: That's a.. look.

Duke: Nice observation.

Precious: *holds up first picture*

Here I'm dressed up as Fierdan. I couldn't get black fire, so I used orange fire instead. Look at all those flames because you two are fire boys. I added in a gravestone because you're both obsessed with death and killing. Duke also was involved with coffee a few weeks ago, so I added in a cup of coffee.

Duke: Let the coffee thing go already!

Fierdan: *chuckles* That's not happening.

Duke: I hate both of you!

Fierdan: Haha ok.

Precious: *holds up second picture*

And here I am dressed as Fierdan lying down and being sad in Cincernum. That's what the black goop is supposed to be.

Duke: Those eyes though.

Fierdan: My suffering isn't a joke.

Duke: Neither is mine. But did you care? No!

Precious: I just wanted to dress up as you during a typical day down in Cincernum.

Fierdan: Ugh fine.

Precious: I made this my Fierdan look because of the black fire markings and the black worn blanket. They remind me of you.

Fierdan: Gee thanks.

Precious: Oh wait. I have something for Duke as well.

Duke: Dang.

Precious: I wanted to mimic that scene where you were on a cactus.

Duke: Omg why.

Fierdan: *laughs*

Precious: *shows the picture*

Fierdan: That looks just like you, Duke.

Duke: Omg stop it, you guys!

Precious: Oh shoot, I forgot to pee on the cactus.

Duke: That's it. I'm out of here. *walks away from them*

[After Fierdan and Precious stop laughing and crying over the picture of Precious acting as Duke during that iconic cactus scene from a long time ago.]

Precious: I also drew you something on the AJ paint program. *hands Fierdan a painting*

Fierdan: That doesn't look half bad. Wow?

Precious: Haha, I've been trying to improve my art since last time I spoke with you and the others.

Fierdan: When was the last time we spoke? 2015?

Precious: Yeah, I think so. It's been a while, huh?

Fierdan: Yeah. I guess it has.

Precious: I added a spiked collar on you. I think it would suit you.

Fierdan: Heh, it looks pretty cool. I wouldn't really wear one though; I don't like choking.

Precious: Wait what?

Fierdan: That's a story for another day.

Precious: Oh. Sorry?

Fierdan: Don't be. That red-orange fire on one side, and the gray-black fire on the other looks nice.

Precious: Aww thanks!

Fierdan: The face and hair could use work. I know we haven't seen each other in years, but you know I don't look like that.

Precious: Pfft. I know that. Besides, this is the first time I drew you as fully human, you know. 

Fierdan: Ah, that's true. It still looks pretty good overall though.

[Their pure interaction is cut off by Brock.]

Brock: Why would anyone want to wear a weirdly colored burger on their heads?

Sparkle: I don't know why, Brock!

Brock: Geez.

:3 ~