Something about Z. I randomly thought of last week or so ago

Something about Z. I randomly thought of last week or so ago.

Yeah, I'm not ready to make a personal post so this was the first topic to come to my mind. 

Yeah haha, it's going to about Z. The most evil man I think exists in my story universe. The worst father. Yeah.. him.

Ok, ok. I'll just get into it. 

Last week or so ago when I was going to pick up my medication, I suddenly found myself thinking about my character, Z. 

I don't know why I was thinking of him as a child, but I was. I have a few ideas about his childhood. How he was; how his parents were; the lifestyle he grew up in. 

Am I sorry for Z? Haha, not really. He was a rude and entitled brat. Respecting others *ahem* women *ahem* never got drilled into his head. He was so judgmental from a young age. 

Oh and I guess I should add that Z had traits of conduct disorder as a child and antisocial personality disorder as an adult. He had no empathy, but he (for most of his life at least) never had genuine sympathy and compassion for other people either. He doesn't care about other people at all unless it will benefit him in some way. He kind of cared about Ryen, but he manipulated Ryen to work for him and work for long amounts of time with no or very short breaks. 

However, Z never experienced childhood trauma. So his.. personality wasn't a result of trauma or abuse or anything like that. He was more like the bully than the bullied; the perpetrator than the victim. Hell, he treated his own mother pretty bad, and he looked down on his father for marrying and being in love with her. 

 The only real thing that separated Z's childhood from most children's is that he was born into a place of high status and privilege. His father was a wealthy man, and so Z was born into what I guess would be the noble class / aristocratic society. 

Z became so powerful and influential because of his status. He could control so much- things and people. And when I think of Z's sons, Ryen and Fierdan, it makes me feel even more emotional (devastated for the sons, angry with Z) because Z treated them so badly that they never understood their status and importance in society, and he pushed them literally out of society and to the bottom of the barrel. 

I just.. I hate Z so, so much. >:( 

I don't think I ever mentioned the worst that he did because it makes me feel so.. so..... I can't even put it in words how he makes me feel. Like yeah, yeah, I created him since he's my character and all that, but like.. he's such a bad person. There is nothing redeemable about him. Nothing at all. 

Z is the two "r" words: racist. rapist. 

Uh..... Before I put certain disturbing images into the front of my mind, I also have been thinking about child Z wearing noble clothes. I'm just out her thinking about Z as a little kid looking so fancy in elaborate rich people's clothing. When I think about Z dressed like a young lord (as in the noble class), I think it might be pretty cute. Little kid Z feeling uncomfortable and annoyed in wearing lord clothing and having his hair combed a certain way. Oh and he's pouting and you can see the fury in his brown eyes. Ah, I can just picture it! 

Lord Z. Oh gosh. How come I can picture such a stuck-up child looking so damn cute?! What the heck, brain?! 

Should I mention race when it comes to Z and his parents? Yes? No? Hmm.......

Eh whatever, I'll just mention it briefly. 

Ok so. Z is mixed race. He's biracial. 

And he still has racist beliefs despite that. 

(Why am I switching from referring to him in past tense to referring to him in present tense? He's dead.)

Anyway, yeah, Z's a racist. Throughout his childhood, he has this resentment towards his parents because they made him not be white (caucasian). He resents his mother because she isn't white, and he resents his white father for marrying her and, well, her simply being Z's mother. 

As a kid, Z calls his mother things like "stupid" and "ugly".. so yeah, he wasn't a pleasant kid. I feel sorry for his mother. She didn't deserve to have a child who was such an asshole. :(

And it's pretty ironic how Z marries and has kids with C. She tricked him, haha. Z is such an ignorant brat. He's a genius, yeah sure, but he's also so stupid. 

Z hates himself for not being fully caucasian. Why does he care so much about race? Because.. he's racist. 

He sees C and doesn't feel disgusted or anything negative about being in "love" (quote-on-quote) with her. He willingly has sex with her. She doesn't turn him off. 

Anyway, I'll cut to the chase. Z thinks C is a white woman. He wants to get rid of the racial diversity in his children (Ryen and Fierdan) as much as he can. However, here's the funny part. C isn't 100% white; she's also mixed race. She's white-passing, but she's not completely white, and so she tricked him. 

Healthy communication between C and Z? Did that ever happen? I doubt it. Z probably saw her as useless except for someone to impregnate. Which is.. yeah, he doesn't respect women. Yikes. 

And so, Z's plan on having white children backfires. It's funny because Ryen and Fierdan are more mixed race than Z is. 

That's what you get for being an asshole, Z. :/

Oh yeah. That means Dawn isn't completely white either. She's very white-passing, considering how her mother (C) is and her father is a white man. 

Do I know anything more specific than what I already mentioned? No, sorry. I don't know any of their exact ethnicities. 

So yeah. Those are my thoughts on Z. 

Good night.

~ Shan 

 

hmm mm

So. I’ve been thinking. 

I never made a part 2 to that skit story I started way back in February. 

What if I continued it? Is it even worth it? 

Do I even expect anyone to comment their thoughts? Would I care either way? 

The answer is no. I do whatever I want on this cursed Blogspot Blogger blog. 

Oh yeah. I guess a link would be helpful. 

http://thejamaamist.blogspot.com/2020/02/who-are-you-part-1.html

hmm mm hmmm mmm hmmmmm *insert thinking emoji here* 

So yeah. Maybe expect a new skit soon. 

Or don’t. I don’t know what I’m doing. 

Ok yeah haha bye.

Here's Sunshine

Hi. I'm just here to post a picture of Sunshine, so you all can see what she looks like these days.

I took the picture yesterday afternoon. Yesterday was one of her "good" days.

She's just chilling outside on the grass. :')

So yeah. Here's Sunshine.

(Wait a sec. Did the create post screen on Blogger change back to how it was before? Huh...)

Sunshine!! :D <3

Songs To Substitute Words

Songs to substitute words. That's what this post will be about. I'm going to include videos of songs, which will be my feelings. I won't write about what happened and what's going on with me (not yet anyway); I'll let the songs speak for themselves. 

........ Hi. I'm back. I'm still alive. I am.

(Did Blogger seriously update again? *sighs* :/)

-------------------------------------------------

Entertain You~ Within Temptation

I think I listened to this song a lot around the time I had the dream where my fire boys were singing that song. 

-x-x-x-

Love the Way You Hate Me~ Like A Storm

This song is resonating with me nowadays. For.. personal reasons. :'}

"I don't care if I'm not good enough for you. I don't care if I don't live the life you want me to. ... 'Cause all you are is everything that I don't wanna be. You say 'I'm a freak'. I say 'I am free'. Come take a shot at me. I love the way you hate me. You say 'I'm insane'. I say 'You're afraid'. ... You think you know me. You have no idea what I've been through. So take your shot, say what you want about me. ... I'd rather be a freak than be a fake. Tell me 'I'm a freak'. ...  Hate me. ... I love the way you hate me."

Haha yeah, I'm not completely okay. Things happened that messed me up. 

-x-x-x-

runaway~ Vorsa 

. . . . . . . . . .

"When did I become this monster that I see? ... Does it get easier? What do you become now, after all that time of being broken? I wanna run away. I wanna run away from here. I wanna run away, find somewhere I can disappear. ... I've become good at hiding and playing pretend, but I think it's time for a change. I think it's time for a change. ... What do I say? Nothing at all."

Being where I am is suffocating me. 

Metaphorically, at least.

-x-x-x-

im so sick of this~ guccihighwaters 

. . . . 

"What's wrong, what's right? ... Looking back I see the knife in my back now. ... I'm so sick of this. I'm so sick of shit. Nobody listening. ... Chemicals running through my veins, I just wanna sleep. Feelings bleeding out my brain, but right now I can't feel a thing. ... I try my best but this feeling always stays. You know I try, but you gotta give me space. And I don't wanna hurt you if you get in my way. Reach out just to waste my time. It's the young waste of space with his headphones on."

ye ah ..........

-x-x-x-

Would Anyone Care~ Citizen Soldier

I have thoughts and feelings. (...)

"Would anyone notice if tonight I disappeared? Would anyone chase me and say the words I need to hear? That I'm no burden, not so worthless, bent so much that I just might break. All consuming, so confusing, the questions that keep me awake. Would anyone care? Would anyone cry if I stepped off this ledge tonight? Would anything change? Would you all just be fine? 'Cause I need a reason to not throw the fight. ... Would anyone want me if they knew what was inside my head? ... I've never felt worthy of love. I would give up everything I have just to feel good enough. ... If you're dying inside, sick of being alive, let me in, let me share in your pain. ... Would anyone care? Would anyone cry if you finally gave up and turned out the light? ... Take back your life."

I've had those thoughts and feelings countless times. And again more recently. 

;~; ;~; ;~; <3 <3 <3

 -x-x-x-

........... My mental health shattered, and I'm trying to gather the pieces and stick them back together.

Bye.

-- Shan 

more topics [personal edition]

Here, have more topics that have nothing to do with each other or the last post. Uh, I mean hi. 

So.. I’ll just get into it. Ok.

The same night I made the previous post, I went with my sister and her friend to a drive-in movie at our local park. This was my first time at a drive-in movie. It was nice. :) 

Watching a movie from inside your car.. ain’t that cool? ;D

The movie we saw was the last Marvel Avengers movie. The Endgame one. Yeah. 

*gets distracted by my cat kneading on the couch next I’m sitting next to* 

Yeah.. movie night was cool. :) 

-x-x-x- 

This evening, I watched Howl’s Moving Castle on my computer. I finally watched it. I wanted to see it for a long time. 

The characters,, my heart,,,, ;w; <3 

Good movie! :D 

-x-x-x- 

Now for something more serious and grim:

You all know Sunshine? My dog that I talk about sometimes? 

Well.. I’m worried about her. I’m nervous. :(

She’s really sick and she’s got a few serious health problems. And she’s very old. I went with my mom and sister to take Sunshine to the vet yesterday, and.. to be vague, she’s got a lot going on. 

She’s in pain, so she has to take painkillers now. She has labored breathing. She has trouble going up and down stairs, and she can’t even walk sometimes. She’s been eating less. 

Luckily, she’s been acting a little better today. 

Aww, poor Sunshine! ;~; 

-x-x-x-

I’m absolutely terrified that my mental health is going to collapse and I’ll fall into a relapse soon. I really don’t want to go back there, but I feel like relapsing will soon be inevitable for me. 

I’m sick of hearing about deaths all the time. I don’t want another loved one of mine to die this year. </3 

Grandma. Classmate. Sunshine..? 

I hear about deaths every day. My family almost always has the news on. And the news is usually talking about the number of deaths due to the coronavirus. 

I just.. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to distract myself, but it’s hard to stop thinking about how Sunshine will die. 

I don’t even remember what life is like without her in it. She’s slightly less than 5 years younger than me. She’s 15; I’m 20. 

I feel like 2020 is going to mess me up, even if I try my best to avoid falling apart. It’s hard to keep it together. To pretend everything’s fine when it’s not. It’s not. Nothing is fine. 

-x-x-x-

My brother is coming here (home) tomorrow. He’s bringing his pet chameleon. I’ll be able to see Yoda the chameleon! I’m a little excited to see her, haha. 

Yoda,, aaaaaaaaaaaa *screams* !!!!! :’D

-x-x-x- 

*weather report is heard on the TV*

Eww. Ewwwww. Gross. >:(

I hate the heat!!!!!!! D: 

I have to go back to suffering, I guess. :/ 

[. . . . .]

Good night. 

one post; many topics

Yeah. This is one post, and I'll be talking about many topics. 

I feel better now than I did in my last post. That's good.

I'm still waking up ridiculously early though. For example, I only got 4 hours of sleep before my body decided to wake up for pretty much no reason. Waking up at 4 am isn't that fun. :(

I either wake up at 4, 5, or 6 am these days. I can't get a solid 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Ugh, this sucks. 

The 12th was my sister's birthday. The day was pretty good. I got to eat good food. Mm. 

Waking up at 5 am and not being able to fall back asleep until the mid-to-late afternoon wasn't that fun though, haha. Ha, ha, ha *screams* :]

What else, what else..? Oh, well, I'm reading a book. It's called Tarnished Are the Stars. It's pretty good. It has wlw characters and an aroace character. All are main characters. Haha yeah, I like it. :)

*dives into random and unrelated topics* 

-x-x-x-

This morning, I had a stressful dream. In the dream, I was very emotional over one of my family's cars. Apparently, the rest of my family buried and got rid of the old, black car, and I got very upset at my family since I had a connection to the car. Then my family got a big, bright red car to replace the old, black car. That made me even more upset because that red car was ugly, yet the rest of my family liked it. Oh and then I ran away, running around my neighborhood. At one point, I stole my sister's phone. I think I returned it to her much later in the dream. 

Yeah uh.. what the heck. Why am I being so damn emotional about cars in my dreams? I had a similar dream to this one a week or so ago. O.o

*checks dream moods . com* Dream moods . com: you have issues lol // Me: :'(

Am I okay? Haha.. no.. who knows? *makes vague hand motions and shrugs*

-x-x-x-

Can't you believe that I dreamed such a banger? That Fierdan (and Duke? idk anymore) song? What a hit. I'm terrible at coming with song lyrics (obviously), yet a song I heard in one of my dreams legit got stuck in my head for a long time. 

I even sung parts of the song while in the shower. I unironically like that song. I know it's not really a song (what's the chorus? the other parts of a song? beats me), but it's so damn catchy. I'm sad that no one else will be able to listen to the song in the same way that I heard it in my dream. Like, dang, that's just heartbreaking. Y'all are missing out. </3

Oh gosh, I'm in love. Mm omg. 

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. 

You’re quite deceiving. You’re badly bleeding. 

What are you doing here? What are you doing here?

Am I the good guy or the bad guy? You get to choose. 

Don’t start a ruse or I’ll tie a noose. 

<3 <3 <3 

......... typing this out makes me think that you all think I'm crazy. So, uh..... Welcome to my twisted mind!!!!1!!1!!11!

I'll try to describe how it sounds like. I'm going to fail miserably, but bear with me. *thinks of a bear* 

. . . . . . . . . oh yeah—

The "whoa" part sounds like "whoa-oh, oh, oh, oh *slight pause, repeat*". (ugh, I'm awful at this :/). The next two lines "You're quite deceiving. You're badly bleeding." are said faster, but there's a small pause between the two sentences. The three questions that follow are said the slowest out of all the lines in this verse thing. I.. Never mind, I give up on explaining. I just can't. Lmao bye.

I guess all the lines about deceiving, bleeding, and breathing" are kinda like a chorus..? Those lines are especially catchy. And they repeat a few times in the song. 

*lists the rest of the lyrics that I find catchy as hell*

You’re quite deceiving. You’re barely breathing. 

Why did you come for me? What do you want from me?

This time, the statements are said slower than the two questions. Come to think of it, the "Why did you come for me? What do you want from me?" sounds kinda similar to that Take What You Want song by Post Malone. :'D

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. 

I’m quite deceiving. I’m barely breathing. 

Hold me close. Don’t let go. 

I’ll hold you in a caress. 

Is this true love’s kiss? 

No.

I already went over the beginning, so I'm here to explain the lines from "Hold" to "No." Ok so.. All of those parts are said a little slowly compared to the tempo of the majority of the song. And the last line— the "No."— is said much louder. It sounds like a scream but not exactly that. It's hard for me to explain in words, sorry. 

Now these lyrics are the ones that are screamed rather than sung:

Honestly, what did you expect from a killer? 

I’ll slay you alive. Tear out your eyes.

I’ll tear your fucking heart out. 

And the singer's voice gets more aggressive the farther along this part goes. At "I'll tear your fucking heart out", Fierdan is pretty much screaming. The part in my dream where I heard him say that line sent chills down my spine. Yes, I dreamed that line. 

Then from there, the rest of the song sounds a lot more aggressive than in the beginning. The "ruse" and "noose" part also sounds a little aggressive, but it's nothing compared to "I'll slay you alive. Tear out your eyes. I'll tear your fucking heart out." and what comes after.

Bitch, make up your mind. I’m sick of waiting. 

Oh, you make me wanna die. 

Tie the noose. Don’t make it too loose. 

I’m a death addict. 

Fierdan sure has venom on his tongue while singing these lines. The bitterness of his sexy singing voice. *blanks out* hhhhh heck— <3 

Anyway, back to the screaming lyrics. That voice.. damn.

Fuck! 

What did you do to me? 

I’m your bad guy, bad guy, bad guy. 

I’m a death addict. 

Can’t break the habit. 

Tie the noose around my neck.

I’m addicted to death.

Feed my addiction.

Slay me alive. Tear my heart out.

I’m a fucking catastrophe.

And.. I think those are the rest of the screaming lyrics. 

I wish I could explain all of this better, but I can't. :(

There is some desperation in Fierdan's voice when he sings these lines:

Is this the end? I hear Death’s clock ticking.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

They’re coming. Do you hear them coming?

It's pretty sad, hearing this part of the song. The slow and emphasized "tick, tock" and the question of "Do you hear them coming?" ... ouch, my heart. 

And the last verse thing sounds like he's given up / given in. Those lines are sung the softest in the entire song. His voice gets all quiet, and the "I lost the game." is barely more than a whisper. I think these lines are also sung the slowest. As you can see from all the times I pressed "Enter" on my keyboard while typing them out. 

the full song

I actually have more I could ramble about, but I'll end the post here. 

Yeah, well, bye. 

sunrise cats and sleep

Sunrise. Cats. Sleep. Ok.

Hi, I’m back. This is going to actually be a short post. 

I haven’t made that many posts this year. Yeah mhmm. It’s just that I don’t feel like posting when I don’t really have anything to say, or want to say, so I just.. don’t post as often. 

Just saying. I’m aware. Mhmm. 

Thing 1: Sunrise

I first woke up very early yesterday morning. I woke up early enough to see the sunrise out of my window. I did not intend to wake up early; I just do. 

Which brings me to...

Thing 2: Cats 

Since I couldn’t fall back asleep right away, I left my room. Then I saw my cats. They were very energetic at this early hour (5 am). They were hungry and running around. One of them was crying to me to feed him. Uh.. no, boy, I’m not feeding you this early. Stop meowing! 

So, uh, that happened. 

And of course...

Thing 3: Sleep 

What’s it like to get a good night’s rest? I have no idea. I sleep horribly pretty much all the time now. I could go to sleep at night at a decent time, but almost every day, I end up waking up at an absurd morning hour (between 4 and 7 am). There’s no reason for me to wake up that early! Why does my body hate me so?! 

I’m just.. so very tired. :( 

I don’t know what it’s like to sleep more than 4-5 hours at once. My sleep quality is terrible. 

Haha, I’m just being me with that insomnia-but-also-not-really. :’} 

.............. 

...........................

..........................................

I hate that it’s July. I don’t like it. 

Too many bad memories and thoughts. All from July. 

I’m feeling kinda sad tonight. And I’m scared. 

I feel like I won’t ever truly love living. Life doesn’t seem that desirable. 

Maybe I’m the one “addicted” to death since I always find myself thinking about it. It’s a way out. I don’t know. 

I don’t know. 

Duke + Fierdan Singing (Dream Within a Dream)

Hi, I’m going to make this intro real quick. Haha yeah.

I took a nap this afternoon. While I was sleeping, dream me was also sleeping. In the dream I had while dreaming, I listened to Duke and Fierdan singing a song they wrote. Their singing voices were gorgeous and hot as hell. Then dream me woke up from the dream of them singing, and I (dream me lol) started singing what they were singing. Duke and Fierdan were singing something like a combination of rock and rap..? It’s hard to describe, but their singing voices were fire. Their voices are so good, I swear. Their rough singing voices dragging you into their song, even if the words are all nonsense. And then I (dream me) created a blog post in the dream (within a dream) I had. I tried writing down the song lyrics to what I heard Duke and Fierdan singing in my dream, but as the dream (the main one where I, myself, was dreaming lol) continued, the more song lyrics I forgot. That made me a little sad. Anyway, the title of this post is the same post title I put on the blog post I created in my dream. I’m going to try to write down the song lyrics I remember from my dream within a dream. The song was catchy and so freaking good. It’s hard to remember all of the lines, but I’ll try my best. 

The song. Most lyrics are what I remember from the dream within a dream, but I’m filling in some of the small gaps with what I can only guess were the original lyrics. Oh and the lyrics contain profanity. The song can be directed to Stella (Twinkle) or Jack (J___) or maybe someone else entirely. Dream me thought the song was about Stella, but I’m not sure if that’s accurate. Especially since some lyrics sound pretty sexual. So... it’s probably not about her. 

I know this sounds confusing, haha. I’m trying my best to write coherently. :’D 

Ok, ok, ok. It’s song time! ;D <3 

[contains: mentions of blood, suicidal and homicidal thoughts, profanity, mentions of addiction, sexual innuendo]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. 

You’re quite deceiving. You’re badly bleeding. 

What are you doing here? What are you doing here?

Am I the good guy or the bad guy? You get to choose. 

Don’t start a ruse or I’ll tie a noose. 

Don’t get on my bad side. I’m a hero and a villain.

I’ll knock you to the floor and make you begging please.

You’re quite deceiving. You’re barely breathing. 

Why did you come for me? What do you want from me?

There are two sides to every story. 

Let’s make history. We have chemistry. 

I’ll knock you to the floor and make you wanting more. 

Your knees are shaking. Your body’s aching.

Am I the good guy or the bad guy? Make up your mind.

We don’t have much time. I’ll make you mine. 

Why did you come for me? What do you want from me? 

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. 

I’m quite deceiving. I’m barely breathing. 

Hold me close. Don’t let go. 

I’ll hold you in a caress. 

Is this true love’s kiss? 

No.

Oh, what are you doing here? Do you know who I am?

You’re a liar if you didn’t expect to play with fire. 

This love’s not easy. The situation’s dire.

You’re badly bleeding. I’m barely breathing.

Honestly, what did you expect from a killer? 

I’ll slay you alive. Tear out your eyes.

I’ll tear your fucking heart out. 

Am I a hero or a villain? Am I the good or bad guy? 

Bitch, make up your mind. I’m sick of waiting. 

Oh, you make me wanna die. 

Tie the noose. Don’t make it too loose. 

I’m a death addict. 

Tell me why you came for me. Tell me why I came for you.

We’re making history. We live together; we die together. 

But you’re an angel and I’m from hell. 

I’m a killer. 

You got me so fucked up. Your love fucked me up. 

There are voices in my head. 

Heal you. Kill you. Fuck you.

I can’t make up my mind.

It’s your time to choose.

By the end of the night, you’ll be begging for more. 

And I’ll leave you wanting more, more, more.

Oh, if only we could hit rewind. 

But you’re badly bleeding. I’m barely breathing.

We’re quite deceiving. 

Are we heroes? Or are we villains? 

I have a broken mind. 

You make me want me to. You want to make me. You want. I want. 

... Fuck! 

What did you do to me? 

I’m on my knees, begging please.

Your grin’s so sinister. 

Bitch, you’re quite deceiving.

I’m badly bleeding. I’m barely breathing.

I’m your bad guy, bad guy, bad guy. 

I’m a death addict. 

Can’t break the habit. 

Tie the noose around my neck.

I’m addicted to death.

Feed my addiction.

Slay me alive. Tear my heart out.

I’m a fucking catastrophe.

And you’re mine to the end of time.

If I go down, we go down together.

Hold me close. Don’t let go. 

My mind is breaking. Your legs are aching.

Can’t think. Can’t blink. Can’t sink.

Oh, you really fucked me up. 

Our love’s a catastrophe.

What did you expect from playing with fire?

Setting ourselves on fire? Being each other’s liar? 

Fake our deaths. Save your breath.

We’re phoenixes, you and I. 

We rise out of the ashes. And we fly, fly, fly.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh. Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh.

We’re quite deceiving. 

We’re badly bleeding. 

We’re barely breathing.

We live as one, die as one. 

I made up my mind.

Hit rewind.

Don’t be shy. 

Get ready to fly. 

Write your story and I’ll write mine.

We’re out of time.

I won’t put up a fight.

Let’s go down in history.

My love, I wish you a good night.

I’m ready to die. Are you?

It’s time to choose.

Good guy? Bad guy? 

Hero? Villain?

You say I’m a category four.

All of the above.

No wonder you keep on begging for more.

We’re both bleeding on the floor.

Love, you made me breathless.

Is this the end? I hear Death’s clock ticking.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

They’re coming. Do you hear them coming?

Hallucinate.

It’s too late. 

Heal me. Kill me. Fuck me.

Alleviate the pain.

I lost the game.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Damn. That’s fucked up.

The lines containing “deceiving” and “bleeding” and “breathing” actually got stuck in my head after I woke up from my nap. Those lines are so catchy. Well, to me they are. 

The “whoa” parts too. Their voices singing in my dream. Now that’s fire.

And yes, the farther into the song the less sense it has. That’s the point. Duke and Fierdan are my most unstable characters, and they’re broken in so many ways. 

Are they singing about Stella? Jack? Another impulsive relationship? I don’t know anymore. 

Oh yeah. I like to think of Duke and Fierdan being “addicted” to death. Death is their first addiction. Through murder and wanting to die. Homicide and suicide. Death is what they have both craved for such a long time. They reach out for it time and time again. Death and dying give them stability. Which is messed up. Duke and Fierdan are extremely messed up. 

Song explanation to try to unravel their thought patterns: 

Duke/Fierdan (either Duke or Fierdan is the main guy singing) and his lover (whoever that may be) are alone in a wide, empty room. For some reason, I picture it being an empty ballroom in a castle. I don’t even remember why. Just roll with it.

Anyway, his lover is on the floor, bleeding badly and heavily and also has trouble breathing. It looks like he/she is about to die. But Duke/Fierdan’s lover doesn’t die. He calls him/her deceiving because he believes his lover is deceiving him, messing him up, affecting his thoughts. He can’t think clearly. He also asks his lover why he/she came for him and his/her reasons for staying. Since he’s so mentally unstable and is, well, a killer. Then he feels like he’s deceiving his lover as well as himself. And Duke/Fierdan is so lost in his thoughts that he wants his lover to tell him who he is: good guy, bad guy, hero, villain. 

Then comes the, uh... unsafe thoughts: wanting to kill himself, wanting someone to kill him, wanting to kill someone, believing his “badly bleeding” and “barely breathing” lover attacked him and now he’s caught up in the idea that he’s also bleeding and can’t breathe and is also about to die... and finally, wanting to fuck. I think those are all of the... unsafe thoughts.

By “begging for more” and “wanting more” the implications are sexual. Like, ahem, it’s about sex. Which makes it be more like a song sung by Fierdan about Jack or someone else he gets... physically intimate with. Anyway, those two can be so damn horny. They’re both very sexual. I can’t help it, that’s just how they are, and I can’t relate but I just know they just wanna fuck. At the same time, I’m sex repulsed, and this looks like I’m crazy and not making any sense. But I swear, I do not control my characters. These bastards are uncontrollable. 

But those lines can also be about how his lover wants “more” time to make up his/her mind on what they think of Duke/Fierdan. Is he a good or bad guy? Is he a hero or villain? It’s hard to think one way about someone you’re deeply in love with but also know is a killer who could easily turn on you and want to kill you. Like... honey, this shit isn’t easy. They have until the end of the night to decide whether he’s a good or bad guy and a hero or villain. Why is that the time limit? I don’t know, ask Duke and Fierdan. They were the ones singing about that in my dream within a dream. Haha, what the fuck. 

“They’re coming. Do you hear them coming?” Ok we get it. You’re going mad (aka crazy), Duke and Fierdan. We know. Is it about Death coming and Duke/Fierdan believing he’s dying? The time of death is coming— tick, tock, tick, tock. Is his lover also dying? Is that why he asks if his lover can also hear Death’s clock? Or, on a brighter note, did people in the castle find Duke/Fierdan and the lover in the empty ballroom bleeding all over each other and on the floor? Are the people in the castle coming to rescue/save them or are they too late? Are they dying or can they be healed? Or do the people who found them have intentions on killing Duke/Fierdan and his lover? Who knows? It’s a mystery. Maybe it’s all of the above. Maybe it’s none of the above. What is real? What is fake? Metaphors, metaphors, metaphors. Fierdan is too complex for me to understand. Overthinking will make us all fall into madness. You know what? Fuck you, Duke and Fierdan. Fuck this song. Fuck your voices sounding so vivid and making me know you two better only from appearing in my dreams. Just... fuck. 

*screams into my own personal void* 

@ this post: What the actual fuck! 

Hahaha. Ahahaha. Hahahahaha. 

Bye! 

Bathroom Discussion (skit part 2)

Hi, I’m here with part 2 of the new skit story I started a few days ago. :) 

This skit story takes place in the beginning part of story 2. Well, my ideas for it. But will I ever write my stories? Now that’s a mystery. ;D 

Uh.. anyway. 

Click here for part 1.

[contains strong language]

Part 2 of the Bathroom Discussion skit story:

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Dylan: Friend? *scoffs* Yeah right. 

Jack: *stops smiling* Just give her a chance. You have to stop giving people the cold shoulder. 

Dylan: *crosses arms* Sorry that I don’t trust strangers and would rather not open myself up to them. 

Jack: *sighs* Just try to be friends. 

Dylan: Why? She’s annoying like this guy. *points a finger at Fierdan* 

Jack: *drums his fingers on the bathroom counter, he looks like he’s deep in thought* 

Dylan: Well, almost. Danny is definitely the most annoying one. 

Fierdan: Hey! What did we do to you, kid? Why are you so damn rude? I know I can be a huge pain in the ass, but come on, Stella? What do you have against her? 

Dylan: She’s annoying, that’s what. 

Fierdan: *rolls eyes* Wow, that’s quite an explanation. Care to elaborate? 

Dylan: *glares at Fierdan* I can just tell that she’s a copycat. She wants to copy me. 

Fierdan: What? Because you both have bluish hair? Or is it because she has ice powers while you can only manipulate liquid water? 

Dylan: *rolls his eyes and turns away from Fierdan* 

Fierdan: *sighs* Looks like I’m right. You’re just another angsty teen. There’s nothing special about you, kid. 

Dylan: *turns back around with a new anger all over his face* You don’t know shit about me! 

Fierdan: *tries to remain calm* That’s because you refuse to tell me anything about you. There’s no reason for you to be so hostile. 

Jack: *suddenly turns away so he’s no longer facing the bathroom sinks* Oh yeah, I came in here to tell you guys to hurry up. 

Dylan: *ignores Jack* You’re not the only special one here! Neither is Stella! So get off your high horse and learn that everyone here has their own problems and shit they have to deal with. *lowers voice* Shit you wouldn’t ever understand. So don’t even bother trying to. 

Fierdan: *also completely ignores Jack* Maybe I won’t be able to fully understand what you’re going through or what happened to you or... whatever. And maybe you won’t be able to completely understand what I went through. Wait, I know for a fact you can’t. That doesn’t mean we can’t try to know each other better. Just... I want to be friends with you, too. Got that, kid? 

Dylan: *frowns* Maybe I’ll reconsider what I think of you and the rest of the newcomers. Only if—

Fierdan: *cuts him off* If what? 

Dylan: As I was saying, I’ll reconsider only if you quit calling me a kid. I’m not a goddamn child. I can’t help being short. It’s not like I chose my body. *sighs* I’m 18. 

Fierdan: *immediately feels surprised upon hearing Dylan’s age, tries his best to hide his surprise* Oh! Sorry. It’s just that you look—

Dylan: So much younger. I know. *stares at the ceiling* I’ve heard it a thousand times. 

Fierdan: *apologizes again*

Jack: *speaks louder and with more urgency in his voice* You two can continue this conversation out of here. We have to leave. 

Dylan: *looks at Jack* What time is it? 

[Before Jack or Fierdan can say anything, impatient knocking is heard on the bathroom door. The knocking stops several seconds later with a blunt voice. I’ll just refer to the person as E___.]

E___: *speaks loudly at the other side of the door, doesn’t yell either* It’s time to go! We should’ve left five minutes ago. What’s taking so long? 

Fierdan: *whispers* Who is that? 

Dylan: *whispers back* E. 

Fierdan: *looks confused*

Jack: *speaking to E___* Ah yes, that’s right. I told them to hurry up. 

E___: Jack! What’s taking you so long to get them out of there? *mutters* I swear, men can take way longer than women to leave the bathroom. Screw that gender stereotype. *leans against the door and sighs* Not like I know what it’s like to be either. *laughs then composes themself and opens the door* 

Dylan: *rushes to E___ like they’re old friends* 

Fierdan: *is a bit startled* Wait! Shouldn’t we put our bathroom stuff back in our rooms first? 

E___: *stares at Fierdan for a slightly longer amount of time than Fierdan feels comfortable with* 

Fierdan: *rubs the back of his neck* Uh...

E___: *smiles but says* No. There’s not enough time. 

Fierdan: Oh... oh okay. That’s okay. 

E___: *nods*

[Dylan, Jack, and Fierdan exit the bathroom. Behind E___ in the unlit corridor is Ryen who walks forward to stand next to E___. His movements are disturbingly quiet; he looks like a shadow that’s been pushed into the light given off from the bathroom.] 

Ryen: *looks disapprovingly at Fierdan in particular* We’re already several minutes late thanks to you deciding to have a lengthy conversation in the bathroom. 

E___: *nods again*

Ryen: Is it that hard to remember the schedule? Things work a certain way around here. *frowns at Dylan* I know Jack tends to be forgetful, but I expected better from you, Dylan.

Dylan: *is startled* Y-Yeah. Sorry about that, Ryen. 

Jack: *lowers head* I’m also sorry. I got distracted... again. 

Fierdan: *rolls eyes instead of apologizing* Who put you in charge? You don’t scare me, and you don’t control me. Who are you trying to impress, Ryen? 

Ryen: You’re a defiant one, Danny. I’m the leader of our group, so everyone has to listen to me. That includes you, brother. 

Fierdan: *mutters under his breath* Self-entitled ass. There’s no point in trying to make him proud of you, daddy’s boy. 

Ryen: *walks closer to Fierdan* What did you just say? 

Fierdan: I said you’re daddy’s boy. 

Ryen: *goes up to Fierdan and slaps one side of his face* 

Fierdan: *gently rubs his cheek* Hey, I thought we had to go somewhere. 

Ryen: *verbally snaps* Shut up! *walks away from Fierdan, his hands in fists* Let’s go. 

[E___ follows Ryen down the dark hallway. Dylan and Jack are at the back of the group. Fierdan sighs and follows them, a few paces behind Jack. He starts feeling better when he sees Stella’s familiar hair and Dawn’s familiar gait. Then troubling thoughts rush back at him like a cold, relentless river. He bites his lip and picks up his pace as he catches up with Jack. Jack turns his head slightly to the right, catching Fierdan’s nervous eye. Jack gives him a comforting smile. Fierdan, seeing Jack’s smile out of the corner of his eye, forgets about all the negativity he feels toward his brother for just a short, fleeting moment. He smiles back.] 

The end. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, I hope you enjoyed reading this skit story. I tried to give a glimpse of how my characters are in the beginning of my concept for my story 2. 

Ryen and Fierdan don’t like each other at first. They got family shit and grudges they each have to sort out within themselves. 

Dylan is a trans man, and E___ is nonbinary. 

And like I said a few posts ago, Dylan claims to be annoyed with Stella and is unwilling to be friends with her. That changes as the story goes on. They eventually become close friends, perhaps best friends. 

Where are they all going? Oh, that’s a mystery. I’m not telling. >:)

Thanks for reading. Goodbye. <3 

Face Mask Looks: My Characters and Myself

Hi, it's July. How did that happen? Where did the time go? 

Apparently, it's July. Time feels so fake these days. What do you guys think? 

(blah blah blah. idk what else to say. time to get to the point.)

This is going to be a mainly picture post. Lots of pictures. Yes. 

A week or so ago, I designed my boys on yet another Picrew thing. I call it "Dressing Up For Fun In The Middle Of The Coronavirus Pandemic."

Why are they wearing horns? For fun. Horns are cool. 

What's with the face masks? Covid-19 is still going on, and of course they still have to wear their face masks. I tried to put on the face masks that fit their personalities the best. 

Ryen is boring and is wearing a simple surgical mask. Why is he wearing a suit and holding a cell phone? I don't know. He has to look so professional and business-like... idk lol. He also hasn't shaved in a while. Why do you always have to be so serious, Ryen? Tsk, tsk.

And everyone except Ryen has some tattoos. I like putting (fake lol) tattoos on them. The rest of the boys have to dress up cool. Let them have fun! Let the crazy kids have some fun! 

Oh yeah. Here's the link to the Picrew: https://picrew.me/image_maker/250891 :)

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Ryen. Why didn't you dress up for fun, my man? :(

Ardere. Ah yes, my golden sunshine and lightning boy! :)

Duke/Fierdan. Boy, you got some blood in your eye. He's an edgy bastard. >;D

J___. Ja boi. Uh, I mean Jack. I would draw him with tattoos, but I can't decide which tattoos he exactly has. I just know that he has lots of them. He also has lots of piercings. He looks tough but is actual full of love. He's a softie. But he can screw up your perception. Hehe, look at this chaotic boy. :D

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~*unnecessary spacing*~

Now it's time for me! Oh heck. 

Anyway, I had a haircut yesterday. Finally. Before then, I haven't had a haircut in nearly a year. My hair grew long. So I got several inches of my hair cut off. :-)

I was bored, so I took selfies. I don't think I look too ugly, so I'll share them here. I have nothing better to do with my time. 

Yeah, that's my face mask. Yes, there are skateboards on it. And no, I don't know why. 

So.. this is what I look like. I'm Shan. Hi. :3

Before and After Haircut. 

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Oh geez, that be me. The difference in lighting though. Wow.

I actually don't feel gross when looking at these pictures of myself. I think I look kinda cute..? 

^w^ owo uwu hhhhhhhhhhhhh

...................... ok that's it. lol bye.