Yeah, I'm not ready to make a personal post so this was the first topic to come to my mind.
Yeah haha, it's going to about Z. The most evil man I think exists in my story universe. The worst father. Yeah.. him.
Ok, ok. I'll just get into it.
Last week or so ago when I was going to pick up my medication, I suddenly found myself thinking about my character, Z.
I don't know why I was thinking of him as a child, but I was. I have a few ideas about his childhood. How he was; how his parents were; the lifestyle he grew up in.
Am I sorry for Z? Haha, not really. He was a rude and entitled brat. Respecting others *ahem* women *ahem* never got drilled into his head. He was so judgmental from a young age.
Oh and I guess I should add that Z had traits of conduct disorder as a child and antisocial personality disorder as an adult. He had no empathy, but he (for most of his life at least) never had genuine sympathy and compassion for other people either. He doesn't care about other people at all unless it will benefit him in some way. He kind of cared about Ryen, but he manipulated Ryen to work for him and work for long amounts of time with no or very short breaks.
However, Z never experienced childhood trauma. So his.. personality wasn't a result of trauma or abuse or anything like that. He was more like the bully than the bullied; the perpetrator than the victim. Hell, he treated his own mother pretty bad, and he looked down on his father for marrying and being in love with her.
The only real thing that separated Z's childhood from most children's is that he was born into a place of high status and privilege. His father was a wealthy man, and so Z was born into what I guess would be the noble class / aristocratic society.
Z became so powerful and influential because of his status. He could control so much- things and people. And when I think of Z's sons, Ryen and Fierdan, it makes me feel even more emotional (devastated for the sons, angry with Z) because Z treated them so badly that they never understood their status and importance in society, and he pushed them literally out of society and to the bottom of the barrel.
I just.. I hate Z so, so much. >:(
I don't think I ever mentioned the worst that he did because it makes me feel so.. so..... I can't even put it in words how he makes me feel. Like yeah, yeah, I created him since he's my character and all that, but like.. he's such a bad person. There is nothing redeemable about him. Nothing at all.
Z is the two "r" words: racist. rapist.
Uh..... Before I put certain disturbing images into the front of my mind, I also have been thinking about child Z wearing noble clothes. I'm just out her thinking about Z as a little kid looking so fancy in elaborate rich people's clothing. When I think about Z dressed like a young lord (as in the noble class), I think it might be pretty cute. Little kid Z feeling uncomfortable and annoyed in wearing lord clothing and having his hair combed a certain way. Oh and he's pouting and you can see the fury in his brown eyes. Ah, I can just picture it!
Lord Z. Oh gosh. How come I can picture such a stuck-up child looking so damn cute?! What the heck, brain?!
Should I mention race when it comes to Z and his parents? Yes? No? Hmm.......
Eh whatever, I'll just mention it briefly.
Ok so. Z is mixed race. He's biracial.
And he still has racist beliefs despite that.
(Why am I switching from referring to him in past tense to referring to him in present tense? He's dead.)
Anyway, yeah, Z's a racist. Throughout his childhood, he has this resentment towards his parents because they made him not be white (caucasian). He resents his mother because she isn't white, and he resents his white father for marrying her and, well, her simply being Z's mother.
As a kid, Z calls his mother things like "stupid" and "ugly".. so yeah, he wasn't a pleasant kid. I feel sorry for his mother. She didn't deserve to have a child who was such an asshole. :(
And it's pretty ironic how Z marries and has kids with C. She tricked him, haha. Z is such an ignorant brat. He's a genius, yeah sure, but he's also so stupid.
Z hates himself for not being fully caucasian. Why does he care so much about race? Because.. he's racist.
He sees C and doesn't feel disgusted or anything negative about being in "love" (quote-on-quote) with her. He willingly has sex with her. She doesn't turn him off.
Anyway, I'll cut to the chase. Z thinks C is a white woman. He wants to get rid of the racial diversity in his children (Ryen and Fierdan) as much as he can. However, here's the funny part. C isn't 100% white; she's also mixed race. She's white-passing, but she's not completely white, and so she tricked him.
Healthy communication between C and Z? Did that ever happen? I doubt it. Z probably saw her as useless except for someone to impregnate. Which is.. yeah, he doesn't respect women. Yikes.
And so, Z's plan on having white children backfires. It's funny because Ryen and Fierdan are more mixed race than Z is.
That's what you get for being an asshole, Z. :/
Oh yeah. That means Dawn isn't completely white either. She's very white-passing, considering how her mother (C) is and her father is a white man.
Do I know anything more specific than what I already mentioned? No, sorry. I don't know any of their exact ethnicities.
So yeah. Those are my thoughts on Z.
Good night.
~ Shan
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