Skit Characters Age Refs

Hi, I have no time whatsoever. I want to post. I'm wasting even more time, I hate myself for this, but ayy whatever.

Anyway, I'm here to clarify how old all the characters in my skits are.

Ok so yeah. :)

----------

Duke: 17 years old. 12th grader.
Twinkle: 17 years old. 12th grader.
Finny: 17 years old. 12th grader.
Sparkle: 17 years old. 12th grader.
Brock: 17 years old. 12th grader.
Cashier-Girl-No-Lady (where did she go?): 17 years old. 12th grader.
Dawn: 16 years old. 11th grader.
Fauna: 14 years old. Would be a 9th grader.
Ardere: 13 years old (?). Would be an 8th grader (why doesn't he go to school?).
Fierdan: 19 years old. He's too old for high school, but he ain't in college lmao.
Ryen: 24 years old. He's the old boy of this group of fools. Who knows if he went to college, but he would've graduated if he did. Undergrad, at least.
The A: ?????????. Very wise and cryptic being that looks like a young girl for eternity. But at the same time, she is old and basically the most like an adult than the rest of them.

I think that's all of them lmao.

I'm 17 and a 12th grader. Oh wow. Gotta make them connect to me. Ah, haha.

Yes. Brock is the same age as them. Ok pfft.

------------------

I feel sick and tired, but I have so much to do for school.

Why is life so painful? Wtf is this?

Oh heck geez, I gotta go.

Bye, enjoy the empty white space!

<3

~ Cutepups

:•)

Monday Skit

Heh, maybe it'll be better to post something less serious.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,''''........

[Duke, Brock, Finny, Twinkle, Sparkle, and Dawn walk home from school. Tiredness is in their faces and steps as they walk. Duke opens the door to the house, and they enter to see Fauna sitting on a chair.]

Duke: *sees Fauna and looks back at Twinkle who is standing near him* Why doesn't your sister go to school?

Fauna: *doesn't hesitate when answering Duke* I went to a special ed school. Now I'm not qualified to go to that school, so I'm not enrolled in any school at the moment.

Duke: *sighs, drops his black backpack on the floor, and sits at another chair around the table* You're lucky. We're all so tired of our school.

Brock: Oh, you're tired? Is that so?

Duke: *sighs in annoyance* Yes, I'm also tired.

Brock: Do you know how rude you are?

Duke: *mutters* Don't bring it up.

Brock: Remember what happened while we were walking to our classes?

Duke: *mutters* He brought it up.

Brock: I just wanted to know how you attempt--

Finny: Why do you care so much about that? It doesn't concern you, and I don't want to know how you found out about it because I know Duke didn't explicitly tell you any details.

Brock: I'm curious, that's all. 

Finny: If you're that interested in dying, then get help or something.

Twinkle: I feel like boys are getting into more drama at school than girls now. That's so weird.

Sparkle: I know, right? It's very strange.  

Duke: *folds hands together and cracks knuckles* Do I have to actually kick you in the--

Twinkle: Umm.

Duke: -- to make you shut up and never bring it up with me again?

Brock: No thank you, sir. I have a girlfriend, and I don't cheat.

Dawn: What the actual hell is going on?  

Sparkle: Boys will be dramatic boys.

Finny: Hey, I'm not a part of this!

Sparkle: Except for Finny. He isn't as much of a stupid drama king.

Finny: *hesitating* Fine.

Duke: *still only speaking to Brock* I can kick powerfully and break some parts of yours.

Fauna: *has heard all of this* Is this how teenage boys flirt nowadays?

Twinkle: Okay, what the hell, Fauna? 

Fauna: Well, this is what I'm getting from this conversation. Brock is very interested and is curious about how many times Duke ended up being f*cked over with death, Duke threatened to kick Brock in his "privates", and Brock thinks that action will interfere with his romantic life.

Finny: Oh dang, she's on point.

Dawn: Fierdan must have told her some new vocabulary.

Fauna: Oh no, Fierdan didn't teach me anything about that.

Dawn: I don't know if I should be relieved or disgusted. 

Duke: Hold up. Since when does Brock have a romantic life?

Brock: I have a girlfriend, drunkie!

Duke: I'm sober! 

Twinkle: That may be physically true, but we all know you're eternally f*cked and drunk over life.

Duke: Yeah, yeah, okay. 

[Ten minutes later. They all put their backpacks- Duke's black bag, Twinkle's black bag, Sparkle's pink purse bag, Dawn's tan bag, Finny's navy blue bag, and Brock's dark gray and ugly green bag- away. They then enter the living room where Ryen and Fierdan are.]

Ryen: *is watching TV and is sitting on the floor* Another thing happened. *points to TV screen which has the news on about another unfortunate news event*

Brock: *sighs loudly* I hate being alive!

Ryen: Uh, okay? Every one of us here desperately wanted to escape and die at one point. You're not special.

Twinkle: *nods in agreement*

Brock: Wow, you're cold.

Ryen: It's my best flawed personality trait. 

Duke: *quietly and with no hesitation lightly punches Brock's upper left arm*  

Brock: Ow.

[Everyone except Ryen finally notice the couch that has always been there. They gasp in surprise because they see Fierdan lying down and being curled up on the couch.]

Sparkle: Aww, he looks kinda cute. 

Dawn: Why does he look so precious?

Twinkle: Don't say precious. That word reminds me of a loony girl I once knew.

Dawn: Uh.. okay.

Brock: Haha, loony sounds funny.

Twinkle: Shut up, Brock. You're so annoying.

Duke: Is he actually sleeping?

Ryen: Possibly.

Duke: Huh, never thought I would live to see the day Fierdan is sleeping.

Ryen: He does technically sleep. Just not for this long.

Duke: How long has he been like this?

Ryen: Almost three hours now.

Brock: *gasps* Oh geez, he died! 

Ryen: No.

Sparkle: Everyone, hush! If you listen carefully, you can hear him breathing! 

Finny: Uh.. am I the only one who thinks that sounds wrong?

Dawn: Shh!

Finny: I thought my business class was ridiculous today, but this is a whole other level of ridiculousness.

[Ryen mutes the TV, and they all listen intently to Fierdan's breathing and quiet snores. What are words?]

Fierdan: *stretches arms and legs with his eyes closed and murmurs softly* Fear doesn't define me...

A: *isn't actually in the room but her cryptic comforting voice is heard* Then let the fear go. Don't let your name constrict you, Fear-dan.

Fierdan: *voice sounds soft but also deeply slurred* Fear-dan, Fear-dan. Fear doesn't define me. 

A: Let the fear escape you. You are safe now.

Fierdan: Fear...

A: You were wrongly accused of being the bad guy. You saved the world. You healed so many people. You're the true savior.

Fierdan: I'm no angel; I'm no savior. I was never granted access into heaven.

A: We both know why. Everyone in heaven, including myself, were blindly waiting for you to open the gate on the other side. Heaven healed our bodies' flaws. You healed us.

Fierdan: I'm no healer.

A: But you are, dear. You are.

Fierdan: I just did what he wanted! I don't care if it ended up being a good thing. I don't care! *suddenly sits up and opens his eyes*

A: You don't have any faith in anybody. You believe you can no longer trust others. Two worlds lied to you, so it is okay to feel upset. They manipulated you into thinking you're wrong. But you aren't wrong. You're right; so, so right. And you are good; so, so good. 

Fierdan: *whimpers* I was lied to, and for what? I'm no good.

A: But you are.

Fierdan: I'm really not.

A: You'll learn that you really are. I can't stay anymore, so goodbye.

Fierdan: *with wet eyes, raises and reaches out arm* Wait, don't go!

A: Goodbye for now, my healer.

Fierdan: I don't care what you tell me; I am not your healer. Don't you remember what I did to you? I killed you! You were that little girl in the pink. Stop being nice to me! Don't ever call me your healer again. Burning bodies never heals them. I ruined you! You should hate me just like how Father should have hated me! Hate me! 

A: But I don't. I can't hate you.

Fierdan: Yes you can! It's easy! 

A: You don't deserve more unnecessary hate. You need to feel love from your friends and from yourself.

Fierdan: How...

[Even though only Fierdan is aware of A's presence, everyone noticed when she left. Ryen goes up to Fierdan on the couch and places his right hand on top of Fierdan's trembling left one.]

Ryen: It'll be okay. 

Fierdan: How can it? When?

Ryen: It will. One day. Okay?

Fierdan: *looks down at the hands* Okay.

[A few minutes later.]

Brock: So, uh, what the hell was all that?

Fierdan: You're not a part of the story universe, so your small mind wouldn't have the capability of understanding.

Duke: We all saw you sleep--

Fierdan: I wasn't sleeping. I was having a long conversation with the A. I could only see her with my eyes closed, so I decided to lay down on the couch as well. 

Brock: Do you ever sleep? Like, actually sleep?

Fierdan: Nobody but myself knows the true answer to that question. I'm definitely not sharing my answer.

Brock: Oh darn. Okay.

Finny: So that means Fierdan has to be an insomniac.

Fierdan: *shrugs, lets his hand out from under Ryen's, and stands up and leaves the room while stretching his arms up*    

--------------

Okay.

~ Cutepups 

Awful Sketchy Art

Ok so I drew a little while I was basically having a breakdown. 

I might fix them up if I ever calm down and am not thinking about death. 

But I'm also unmotivated and too busy to actually do that. 

So just have this bad art I drew while I was crying and panicking.

:"} 

I based it off of this poem (and yes, I'm linking to the version on my dA because I'm too lazy to find the blog post): https://blueblazingspirit.deviantart.com/art/Fire-Underneath-My-Skin-709076786 

I compared myself to Duke in that poem, so I drew me and him. I drew Duke to be ghost-like and not really there (he's just part of my imagination and a character of mine, after all; he's not real).

The line I drew on my arm is supposed to be fire in my veins. Fire is escaping from the vein. Uh yeah sure. It kind of looks like a long scar there, but it's supposed to be fiery veins not anything like self harm or anything. Umm heck.

I tried to draw me. I look far more ugly in person. I tried to include my acne too because I'm an ugly piece of sh!t who shouldn't be alive but still is somehow.

I know that what I wrote on the drawing isn't a line from the poem. Oh well screw it. I ruined my future anyways. 

On the paper, it says this: 

"I also have fire in my veins. and it (-hurts-) burns. - fire burns -"

I crossed out the "hurts" and replaced it with "burns". 

Duke is my fire boy and my pain boy. 

Same goes for Fierdan, but I felt like drawing Duke. I also said Duke in the poem. So yeah, I drew him. 

I drew Duke with all that fire he has. Like, for example, the fiery wings. Those bad boys. Oh yeah heck me up, son.

-x-x-

And here is one absolutely fvcking terrible sketch of a Duke vent. 

It's raining. It's when his hair is short and not black. His neck and back are supposed to be curved in a way so that he's looking up at the sky with his chin up. Uh yeah sure. 

That anatomy is really fvcking terrible. What the actual fvck is that, Cutepups? 

He's there crying and nearly on the brink of death. Attempt #.. idk. 

Duke and death. Damn, what a relationship. Death always seems to break up with Duke though. Oh darn, this boy just can't freaking die.

He's either walking on the outermost barrier on the Tall Tower's roof, on the railing of a bridge, or on another high structure. I haven't decided yet. 

I'm not feeling well enough to make it look any better. I'm barely coping nowadays, and I still want to take a break from existing/living. 

The darkest parts of Duke's past are his encounters with death. Either other people or almost with himself. 

I'm not sure if I kinda hinted at it in Chapter 70, but I did include the actual word. So.. hmm.. yeah. 

tw://: Duke has a history with suicide. Long, complex history. 

Yeah oh heck. Fvck.

But did I ever formally explain it all? Nope. 

Maybe there's also hints in the older chapters that I'm too scared to read. Like, idk, maybe Chapter 50. 

Chapter 50... *shudders*  

Me: *waits for all my viewers to sue me because of this* 

I'm trying to write it so that the time he cut into his heart flame (Chapter 27) nearly actually killed him without him every actually realizing that.

Hhhhhhhh damn it, Cutepups with your obsession with wanting to die. Stop this. >:(  

Spoilers- because I can't stand being alive so I should just reveal my story plans:

Risak tries to execute (that means kill ;) oh worm?) Duke by using a gun to shoot him at the side/front of the head. That, of course, would result in death. 

But since Duke is Duke, it doesn't kill him. Instead, it activates the Soulless part of him to overpower his humanity/Fierdan part. So then Duke turns into this very violent, sadistic guy.

When Risak is staring in absolute horror upon the fact that shooting Duke in the head multiple times didn't kill him (wtf @ Duke), Duke laughs sinisterly at him because Risak is a fool. 

And then there's this whole speech that Duke gives Risak about how he can't die that easily. And how he knows that because he kinda basically.. he tried to kill himself a few times. 

So yeah. Duke. What a boy. This boy has a job and it's called causing me pain. :^) 

This is all before Taurel. Taurel comes after Risak leaves. Duke basically kills Risak. 

Damn it, Duke. 

All of the main characters are technically murderers. They all killed at least one person. That's messed up as fvck, Cutepups. What the actual fvck is wrong with you, I'm suing. 

So yeah, haha. :) 

If I don't die this week, consider it a mcfreaking Cutepups miracle. 

Oh and that concerned voice in my head that goes "Cutepups..." is still there. It won't leave me alone. Haha. 

Oh and how does the name, Elor, sound? For a boy, for a girl? Neither. For someone who I won't reveal the gender of. 

Elor? 

Ok I should go die (I mean sleep) now. 

I love you. <3 

Lmao bye. 

~ Cutepups ;;

oh hmm what to do....

Hi. It's 1 am here. I was looking at art over on dA, and I'm like half-asleep right now. Guess that means it's time for me to make a post, according to my Cutepups logic (aka I don't make logical decisions).

I know my personal poems are rather depressing. Haha, that's me. Oops.

I have more in mind.

I have other personal poem ideas, but I'm too afraid to post them. Because of.. reasons. Yeah uh that.

I'm not a happy person. Not anymore at least. Whoops, what can I say? Sorry?

I also have so many ideas for drawings of Duke. I know you're probably sick of me drawing him, but I just love choosing to draw him.

(Anyway, I only like drawing Duke as a human now. So deal with it. He's way, way, way better as a human, anyways.)

Some of these drawing ideas could possibly be triggering(?). Like..harsh. Pain. The past. The future.

Duke is such a tragedy boy, wtf.

Oh and I'm thinking of writing his death to be the most explicitly painful. Yeah uh, he has to die. Oops, sorry bud.

His body literally breaks apart. Yeah haha ow, it's great.

I think it's funny that you all probably perceive Duke as this loud obnoxious asshole. Like.. I guess that's technically true. Because of course he is. But anyway, he wasn't always like that.

Before the time period the story takes place in, Duke was like the total opposite of all that. For most of the time.

God, I love him.

Oh and drawing is hard. Drawing bodies in specific positions with specific perspectives is hard.

Drawing Duke the way I want is so hard. I always draw him ugly, and I hate it so much.

Uh.....

Hhhhhhhhhh........

Duke with no black hair is such a cryptic look, to be honest. Little kid Duke. This sweet, but also somehow a near-murderer, boy. This sweet boy.

I'm in love.

Duke with all brown, short hair. Duke with no black hair (even at just the ends) that shows his slow corruption. Umm.. good boy.

I hate myself because nowadays I'm loving Duke more than Fierdan. And like, omg do I love Fierdan so much.

Oh and psa- Twinkle is a savage. Damn.

Uhhhhhhhh...........

Lots of times, I imagine this story being like a movie. Well anyway, I think of this Duke actor so much. And wow, I love that imaginary guy so much.

He's just such a good dude. And dang, his stances on things. The guy is my aesthetic if I ever had an aesthetic for a person.

For an actor to play the role of Duke, well, he'll have to really know how to act. Because dang it, Duke is a character alright. Wow, he changes a lot. Dang, he cries and screams a lot.

Viewers: wtf did I just read?
Me: hhhhhhhhhfffghh fml

Red Feet

The title is a title of a poem. 

I have some notes to say before I show it though.

Today (Friday) has been a pretty good day. I didn't feel too bad and think about death as much as I've been doing earlier this week. Ha, I guess that's good. Heh.

This poem is based on a few days ago. Wednesday night, I think. 

Yeah, this could technically count as me venting out some feelings. Yeah heh eh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is this phrase

"Walking on eggshells"

I didn't know that

A simple phrase 

Could end up

Becoming so real

Since the phrase ended up

Deeply impacting me

Emotionally and physically 

There aren't any eggshells here 

Not on the floor and not on the ground 

I didn't see any eggshells here 

I also didn't see any legos scattered about 

The floor and the ground are the same as they've always been 

But that didn't stop my feet from

Getting red

For the past few days 

I've felt as if all I could do was 

Walk on those non-existent eggshells 

Whenever I was around him

In the span of just a few days

I've gotten consumed by fear

That I've become so

Fragile that I had to 

Watch my step 

Whenever he and I were in the same building 

In the same house 

I've become so fragile that 

I had to watch my step 

Every step I took 

So I wouldn't break down 

Even more than I already had 

Several years ago

My brother said my song theme was 

A song called Fragile

And he's right 

I am so sensitive 

So fragile 

I am fragile 

Fragile is who I am 

Being so scared

Having so much anxiety 

Even starting to become paranoid 

And having my trust broken again by the people 

I thought I could trust 

Having to be so cautious 

Having to watch every step I took

To make sure I didn't go 

Out of line again 

And accidentally give him another reason

To yell at and threaten me 

To be honest 

I'm believing it more than ever 

It's a fact 

There is fire underneath my skin 

I believe there is fire in my veins 

I have a fire inside of me 

But unfortunately 

I'm just imagining this fire 

It isn't actually real 

I'm not actually made of fire 

It just feels as if I'm 

Burning from the inside 

Despite my body never being consumed by fire 

Anger and fear 

Those were the emotions that 

Fueled my metaphorical fire 

Because I was filled with 

So much anger and fear 

At my family 

And most of all

At my dad 

I didn't have to step on 

Broken eggshells

Scattered legos 

Or shards of glass 

I didn't have to physically step on anything 

I had my socks on and I was sitting on my bed 

That didn't stop my feet from 

Getting hurt 

Because I stepped out of line 

Not in the physical way but the emotional one 

I stayed in my room 

I locked my door

I was alone by myself 

With me, myself, and I 

I was consumed by unbearable amounts of 

Anger and fear 

So much that the emotions evolved 

From simply being feelings

To things that could physically affect me too 

The bottoms of my feet became so red

They were entirely red 

It hurt 

I was burning 

They said he was behaving that way towards me

Because he cares 

That made me so angry 

Because how could he care 

When he was fueling my fire 

And hiding the water when I needed it more than ever 

To get rid of the fire that was burning me alive?

He wasn't helping 

They weren't helping 

Fire burns 

He was just helping the fire burn 

He liked being the cause of me

Burning from the inside out 

And yes I got angry 

I became consumed by rage 

I was drowning in fear 

And the levels were becoming 

Extremely hard to handle 

They were just fueling the fire 

The fire of my pain 

Of my anger and fear 

And yes those feelings somehow became physical that night 

You really hurt me, dad.

I don't think I've been that scared of him

For that many days in a row

Genuinely scared 

And my fear turned into rage

I'm fragile 

It's so easy to break me

My outer layer of skin is made of glass 

It's so easy to shatter glass 

And underneath my glass layer 

I am full of fire

Deep emotions can cause 

My glass layer to break

And my fire to show 

Fuel the fire by provoking me with your actions 

And you will get burned 

After everything he did 

I'm not afraid to burn someone 

Especially not afraid of burning the person who

Gave me the painful fire to begin with 

My feet were completely red 

They were way too warm 

They were burning

You set me on fire and left me to burn 

It hurt

It still hurts 

You really hurt me 

You made my anger and fear attack me physically 

You caused all of it 

You really hurt me, dad.

I didn't step on anything bad

But that didn't stop my feet 

From burning and from 

Turning such an intense red

I didn't have to step on anything

For the bottoms of my feet to bleed

He never touched me

He didn't set me on fire 

He didn't make me bleed 

Physically that is 

But he did emotionally 

And it turns out that 

My emotions can show physically once they reach a certain level 

If I feel too much anger and fear for too long 

Then I will bleed and burn 

Despite never being touched

Having emotions at such an intensity 

That they hurt me physically as well as emotionally 

Hurts so much 

It's a lot of pain 

Being hurt and only getting more reasons to hurt 

Well it hurts so freaking much 

Bleeding and burning as a result of emotions 

It's messed up 

I am messed up 

Red feet was the first sign 

It was my first breaking point 

I am fragile 

The layer of glass is breaking and then all I'll be is 

A human that is covered with fire 

Burning is very painful 

Don't get burned 

Don't cause me to burn 

Don't fuel the fire 

I don't like getting hurt 

And I don't want to hurt others

But if you make me burn 

Then it's your own fault if I cause

The fire of pain to burn you as well 

At this point I'm not afraid of

Hurting people who hurt me to that degree 

And I got hurt so much that it caused me to burn  

Be glad you don't have fire underneath your skin

Be glad that your body doesn't cause you to burn 

Fire is a curse, not a blessing

You don't want your own body to burn you

From the inside out 

I got really hurt

Don't glorify my pain 

This is just me writing out my pain 

And it hurts

It hurts so much 

Fire is pain 

You don't want the fire 

Fire only wants to burn 

You don't want to be like me

You don't want to get burned by your own body 

I don't like being full of fire 

I don't want to be fire 

I want to be human 

With a body that doesn't 

End up burning me alive from the inside out 

Whenever I strongly feel an emotion  

I really hate being fragile.

hmm....

Hi. Cutepups the blue fool is back for another post. Yeah ok.

So, today has been Thanksgiving. Did some stuff. Yeah.

Well, it got me thinking. "Hmm, maybe doing this will make me appreciate myself and have more gratitude?"

Yeah. Screw the history. That sucks.

But like. Thanks-giving. Giving thanks.

Which then brought me to think of something called Gratitude.

I haven't been doing and coping that well recently (for several weeks, but now more than ever). I probably need positivity to survive.

Well anyway, I have some more ideas for posts. Ideas that center around gratitude. About being grateful. Because, you know, thinking positively is a good thing.

So yeah. I'm gonna make a few posts about that. Soon hopefully.

I also have a new poem in mind. I'll try and remember to post that soon.

I also got 2 mental health related apps today. Maybe they can be useful and help me when my overly sensitive self gets into those Bad Moods TM.

Oh and I keep on forgetting to finish the poems I started about my characters. I only have enough motivation to make personal poems these days. Sorry oops.

I also have those sad drawings of Duke and Dawn. I should actually go draw them. But, you know, motivation and time get in the way.

Nobody in my family yelled at me and made me feel awful today. That's good, I guess.

For almost a week now, I've gotten yelled at every other day.

Yeah.. haa.. ow. :"(

Oh and by the way, I was also feeling stressed and on edge a few weeks ago. It wasn't just about me. Certain things happened to certain family member. Again.

And then there's my dog. I'm worried about her health, too.

I worry a lot. But I rarely show it.

I don't know what else to put here. There is a lot of empty space beneath these words. I don't know how to get rid of it since I'm not using the Blogger app.

To be honest, I'm haunted by my past.

I'm haunted by the words they said. I'm haunted by the words I said back.

We both said terrible things. Did bad things.

Sometimes I can be such a sh!tty person. Like, very sh!tty. Unbearably stubborn.

It's hard for me to believe people that tell me I'm a good person. Because I don't know how I can be if I've done terrible things to others and myself.

I'm trying to make the empty space smaller.

And smaller.

Until it's completely gone.

............

~ Cutepups

tbh,,

The only things that I get validated on are more ways that I'm invalid. I'm only valid to be invalidated.

I'm invalid.

I'm getting more valid reasons why I hate living.

:( :/

I'm on the

Edge

I'm

Struggling

But they don't

Care

I'm upset lol ok.

:( :/

Maybe I'll create some positive posts even though I know they won't fix me or my situation in the slightest.

Like.. dang.. I don't know....

Good things and reasons to live

Short but personal lists.

Not those bs lists. I hate those long and generic lists.

Those little things don't really come to mind and it's not like "wow, that's right! there is -insert object/activity that requires a lot of planning and effort and ability to feel romance and have good friends here-" when the only thing on the mind is "I want to die, I don't care about my life anymore, life is too much and doesn't suit me".

Just.. well, just a short list of personal crap that probably doesn't make sense to other people since nobody gets you like you get you.

Anyway, life crap has made me think of dying more seriously than ever before.

:-) Life Sux XD

:( :/

Even my cat is giving up on me. She wants to leave me right now.

Everyone leaves me in the end.

Oh dang. </3

:( :/

Yeah. I'm gonna make some lists.

:( :/

And lol no.

The cursed story I keep on posting about isn't the top reason of mine to stay alive.

It's not even close.

I couldn't give less of a crap.

I already posted my future writing plans.

:( :/

I don't find comfort in this house anymore.

This is no home.

I prefer school these days.

At least he can't be there with me.

:( :/

I'm tired.

Of every single damn thing.

ok uh

Hi, I'm very sensitive and fragile. :)

Dang.. those moodswings though. 

Ah geez, my emotions are wrecked. Pfft.

Friday and the weekend.. welp. :'(

This morning before school. :(

After that, not as terrible. 

And now I'm here. Yeah. c: 

Anyway hi, being yelled at and threatened isn't that good, guys. Being lied to, which leads to being nervous on edge and more trust issues. Waking up at 4 am, and barely getting any sleep. Craving that Death. That hurt lol. :'}

Tomorrow is Tuesday. Uh.. heck. 

Honestly, I'm so damn sensitive. I cringe at myself. Being sensitive is ruining my life.

I get anxious so easily. It's probably out of proportion. So that's why I keep on saying I want to die. Because early in the day, I wake up early due to anxiety and everything hurts and I feel so hopeless and that everyone hates me, and so I'm a negative guy. But later in the day, the severe painful anxiety lessens at least slightly, so I don't feel and think seriously about the possibility of dying before December begins. Haha whoops, posting and writing down my thoughts and feelings throughout the day is a total mess. I'm a mess.

Except being lied to, yelled at, threatened, invalidated, and blamed. If that happens throughout the day or later in the day, then I don't become more positive than earlier in the day. That should be pretty obvious.

And because none of that happened today, unlike this weekend, I feel better now than earlier. :)

If I actually had time to draw, I probably would have drawn a few vent doodles. Haha.. yeah.

For most of them, I have Duke being the character in the vents. Instead of like, a random person. 

Because.. you see.. my boy, Duke, is my top vent character. Wow, what a purpose you have, fire boy.

And instead of thinking of Fierdan as another vent character, I thought of Dawn as next in line. 

Duke, Dawn, and the shared suffering. Ah, ha, ahh.

Different times. Different people. Still violated. Still resulted in having bodies that are damaged beneath the surface.

Hmm, you might be thinking, "Cutepups, why don't you plan anything happy for your story?", and I'll say, "Ah.. no." 

The story is a tragedy. There was always pain. Now that I've been writing more, I know how to make the pain more painful and believable. And I'm in more pain now than back then. I'm struggling lmao so hey.

... geez, I have a lot of vent themed drawings of Duke and Dawn. Umm.. ouch.

... A few times lately, I've suddenly found myself thinking of drawing Duke's cursed flame mark over my own heart. And then my cursed thoughts kept on thinking of Chapter 27. ... that means bad things lol haha.

... uh ...

I listened to twenty one pilots this weekend. Haven't listened to them in a while. Me, using song lyrics to validate my feelings? More likely than you think. 

Because of the past few months, the line that goes, "I could pull the steering wheel", turned into a line that just hits me. Just.. damn. I get it now, I feel it now. 

Viewers: uh wtf does this say?

Me: it means that for the past few months i've been getting thoughts of how easy i could just get in a car crash when driving since apparently i could get into those easily because of who i am and my carelessness and anxiety when driving :-) could just turn the steering wheel and go into another lane :-) ahhhh.

If I ever suddenly turn ghost on here (I mean not post for a few more days than usual), it's because I'm under a lot of pressure and I'm very scared and stressed. 

Sorry in advance if I ever invalidate your upset feelings. It's hard for me to connect the fact that other people could be struggling and feel as overwhelmed as much as I currently am. 

So yeah, sorry if I'm ever obviously toxic. 

I know it's Monday, but I couldn't bring myself to think of any good quality new skit material. Things in my life happened. Life happened. 

... Maybe those vent drawings I only have in my head will be badly drawn one day. 

I keep on breaking my art post promises. Sorry about that, too.

I'm not checking to see if what I'm typing makes any sense. I'm just jotting words down. 

Don't let my hopelessness and despair tear away your positivity. You really shouldn't do that for a fool like me. 

... okay ...

~ Cutepups 

<3 </3 <3 

3 am word dump

It's 3 am.

I first went to sleep (for the night) at 9.

Woke up a little before 1.

I want to stay awake until I can't.

I want to collapse.

Collapse and rot away into this mattress.

-x-x-

I'm sick.

I feel the sickness- s p r e a d i n g.

So sick (unwell) mentally that it's gotten physical too.

It hurts.

Everything hurts.

Yet again, I wake up to headaches.

Tension, migraine.. both.

-x-x-

Friday sucked.

Some Fridays just suck.

-x-x-

Got another project to do.

Just had one.

Now got another one.

So much work.

Life is too much.

Being alive is so much work, and I find it harder by the day.

-x-x-

I really hate how I can't be happy for more than only a few hours for one day a week.

It freaking sucks.

Seeing and hearing people being happy makes me jealous.

The sad, melancholic type of jealousy.

The world is already hell, and I'm living in it.

-x-x-

I'm so convinced that everyone who knows me is disappointed in me.

I'm a huge disappointment.

Everyone hates me, so I hate everyone too.

I'll disappoint you too.

-x-x-

The words I hear in real life are quite something.

They make me want to die even more.

It's like they're giving me justified reasons about how I'm being a realist when I think that stuff.

The stuff that goes like this.

I want to kill my self.

But that's not being a realist. That's being a pessimist.

Maybe they're both the same thing.

It feels like people in real life are downplaying the fact that I actually hate so fvcking much that I'm alive.

But that's being selfish.

Of course it is.

-x-x-

When I'm at school or at home or anywhere really, I hear this voice in my head.

Is this what it feels like to lose your mind? I'm losing my mind.

Leave me alone. Shut up.

Leave me alone! Shut up!

It's not even my name.

It says Cutepups.

"Cutepups, Cutepups, Cutepups..."

In such an urgent and concerned voice.

Disappointed. They're disappointed in me. You're disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in myself.

-x-x-

I'm so self-centered.

Sometimes my friends tell me they want to die.

It's not just you, Cutepups. You're not alone in this.

Well, I want to die too.

But my hell mind's reasons aren't valid enough.

Anyway, I hate thinking and wanting to die.

I hate thinking of all that every damned day.

This must be hell.

-x-x-

I'm dreading Tuesday so much.

I don't want Tuesday to come.

I don't want him to come home.

I don't want Thankgiving to come.

I don't even want tomorrows to come anymore.

This is sad. Stop being so edgy, Cutepups.

Yeah haha okay.

I just think of killing myself being a more realistic option as the weeks and months go by.

Maybe actually doing something about that will show all of them.

-x-x-

I have my cat, Thelma, with me.

She's on my bed, and her body is curled up by the backs of my knees.

Maybe I'll just decide that no.

Why would I kill myself when I have a little tuxedo cat here who loves me and rushes over to me when I cry?

I love my cat so much.

-x-x-

I overheard him say.

"Are you sure she even wants to go to college?"

I.. I don't know.

I don't know what I want.

I doubt I'll ever be truly happy.

I'm not sure I'm doing the stuff that I actually want.

Do I want this? Is this something that I want?

I just don't know anymore.

-x-x-

It's almost 4 am.

story info not only about the fire boys

Hi, I'm back here again. I thought I wouldn't be, but I feel like clarifying some story and skit stuff. 

It was a long day, and I'm tired and also kinda sick. Not a good time for me to post again, but oh well. I like typing up posts that nobody :) comments :) on :) :) : ).

I also could talk to my parents about stuff without feeling even more panicked. That was nice. How long will this semi-good emotional state last with me? I don't know, but I doubt it'll stay for long. 

So without further ado, onto the skit and story stuff. ^-^

----------------------------

I'm not making my A character be a regular character in my skits. As for Fauna, well, I'm finally gonna make her join the whole skit family. I felt bad for never including her in skits. 

I've been developing Fauna's character more to make her not as much as a "mary sue" as before (maybe hints of that are in the recent chapters?), and now I find her a more likable and relatable character. 

I still think the name, Fauna, is weird. So is Twinkle, I guess. In my head, I see them as names, but to other people it must look very strange.

Oh right, add on Sparkle too. That's another weird name. Haha yeah true that.

-x-x-

For some reason, I imagine people believing my A character is a pale white ghost figure with white-blond hair. 

In the scene/s (haven't decided if there would be more than one) with her and Fierdan, she would look like a spirited angel person which would make her look like she's covered in white. Yeah uh sure.

But my A character isn't all light colors. Like.. uh.. she has dark blue eyes and dark brown hair. A doesn't have light colored eyes and hair like Fauna does. 

A, she's like a young child with years of wisdom. She's like a mysterious beautiful cryptid. 

She messes with Fierdan's head and makes him finally know the truth? Why is she so nice to him? The relationship between these two characters isn't exactly.. good. Pretty.. mm.. messed up, my dude.

Oh and one last thing about my A character for today. Okay so, the letter, A, is just an initial of her name. A few months ago, I set up a poll with the answers being "Alice" and "Akira".. one of those will be A's name. Because of the poll, I'll probably make her name be Akira. 

Akira.. aww. :') 

-x-x-

I haven't made any posts about Twinkle in what feels like a while. So here goes something.

In Chapter 76, I'm planning on making certain characters mistake Twinkle as a boy. A blue-haired boy dressed all in black with bad@ss blue ice-fire powers and a sword.

Oh heck, they're back. Pfft.

-x-x-

Dawn didn't always dress the way she currently does in the time of the story. For a long time during her past, not wearing clothes that fully covered her body made her very insecure and paranoid. 

It's because of her past. 

For a long time, she felt so uncomfortable whenever anyone looked at her for too long. Fierdan, maybe he was an exception. She usually never interfered with what Fierdan was doing (when they lived together in -Jamaa-) because being noticed by other people legitimately terrified her. 

Dawn had severe trust issues. Her past.. ouch. 

Years later, she realized that she's her own person who has her own body. That nobody controls or owns her. So she was like, "screw it", and started dressing less conservatively. She decided not to hold herself back because of what other people did to her and her parents, years ago in the Pre-Fierdan time period.

Dawn is such a queen. Actually developing her character made me love her so freaking much. Dawn and Twinkle are my ultimate favorite girls. 

But I'm questioning whether to make Twinkle always be a girl. Yeah uh what? Story plans for far in the future get very complicated. 

Anyway, I love Dawn. She's a boss green queen. 

-x-x-

You know what? I'm not gonna even type his name in this post. I include his name in way too many of my posts.

Oh, I don't think I included it in my 6 am post either. Wow nice.

You should know who I mean. 

Not saying it.

So yeah. That's all I'm gonna type. Bye now.

~ Cutepups <3 

Skit part 2 (short)

[Two hours later...]

Brock: *is confused* So where did A go?
Fierdan: *back to his usual cryptic skit self* What the hell are you talking about?
Brock: There was this weird girl here who called herself, A.
Fierdan: Uh, no there wasn't.
Brock: B-But you bowed down to her to show respects. You offered us cookies. Do you not remember all that?
Fierdan: That never happened. I do remember that I wouldn't let you take a cookie though.
Brock: Yeah and that was mean.
Fierdan: And you accuse me of killing A. That was rude.
Brock: But you did..?
Fierdan: No, I didn't.
Brock: I don't get you fire boys. Good night. *leaves room*
Fierdan: It's only 5:00... *looks outside window to see complete darkness* Oh.

Fauna: So, uh, what do you guys do around here?
Twinkle: Sparkle used to make commercial skits about new items every Monday, but then the store shut down or something. Now there isn't any real purpose in these skits. Duke is also a drama king.
Fauna: Oh hmm? Okay.
Twinkle: At this point, I've seen it all. Now I just don't care. Sparkle used to always bully me, and now we're kinda friends in these skits. What the hell.
Fauna: Okay..?
Twinkle: I just don't get these skits.
Fauna: *rises from couch they're sitting on* Okay, I'm gonna go find my room now. I'm tired.
Twinkle: I'm tired of everyone at this point. Bye.

..........

........

.........

~ void ~

Monday skit to cheer me up

Instead of posting another sad poem today, I have a skit. Yeah ok.

[Duke, Brock, Finny, Dawn, Twinkle, and Sparkle are walking to the big mansion house after their day at school.]

Duke: *sighs and replies to Brock* For the last time, yes. Several times.

Brock: *stares at Duke even though only he can only see Duke's back* Then how are you even alive?

Duke: *with emotionless voice?* I don't know.

Brock: But with what happened, then surely those options couldn't have failed?

Duke: They all failed.

Brock: How many times did you.. umm.. try?

Finny: *looks at Brock and coughs* Stop asking him so many invasive questions. Duke is already having a bad day without you wanting to know the details about that time of his life.

Duke: I don't need you to help me, Finny.

Finny: You needed me back then, but you never told me that everything wasn't alright. No, I'm gonna be there for you this time.

Duke: *sighs* Fine.

Sparkle: *laughs* Bad day? You're the one having a bad day? Are you kidding me?!

Duke: Yeah, I feel horrible. Thanks for your concern.

Sparkle: You got a freaking A on that test! Do you know how hard it is to get A's in that class? It's very hard to!

Dawn: *catches up with them, Twinkle right behind her* Duke got an A? On a school assignment?

Sparkle: Yeah, on a test.

Twinkle: *snickers* What class was this? Gym?

Sparkle: Precalc.

Twinkle: *suddenly bursts out laughing* Precalc?! Isn't that a math?

Sparkle: Uh yeah.

Twinkle: You guys take math?! Geez, you really are nerds. Especially you, Duke. 

Duke: *turns around to face them all* I'm not a nerd!

Brock: Face it, drunkie. You are a nerd.

Twinkle: *whispers* He is a nerd.

Dawn: Did you cheat from Finny?

Duke: We don't even share the same class, so no.

Dawn: That doesn't mean Finny couldn't have given you the answers.

Finny: I actually didn't. Maybe Ryen did.

Duke: Ryen didn't give me any help either! 

Twinkle: Duke, it's just that.. well.. none of us expected you to be successful at academics.

Duke: *stares blankly at Twinkle* Are you serious?

Twinkle: What?

Duke: Ninth grade. I helped you with your algebra homework more than just a few times.

Twinkle: When did this happen?

Duke: I helped you. How could you forget all we've been through?

Twinkle: *shrugs* It's not you. I never remember math.

Duke: Uh.. okay. 

[Ten minutes later, they all enter the mansion house. At the door is Fierdan wearing his lavender colored robe over his clothes. He's holding up a tray of cookies. Uh.. how strange.]

Sparkle: Am I high on drugs today?

Twinkle: I feel intoxicated.

Finny: This can't be real. *rubs eyes, blinks, realizes Fierdan is still there looking like that*

Duke: *slowly drops backpack to the floor* Uh.. do you guys see this too?

Dawn: Yep.

[Fierdan is smiling. What is going on?!?!?!?]

Fierdan: Hello children, how was school?

Brock: It was --

Fierdan: *interrupts Brock, stares at Duke* Hello, my son!

Finny: *looks at Twinkle and Dawn with a "what-the-heck-is-going-on face"*

Dawn: *shrugs*

Twinkle: I'll do the honors. *goes up to Duke and pinches an area of Duke's arm*

Duke: *the loudest he's been all skit* Ow!

Twinkle: *realizes this isn't Duke's dream* Oh.

[Every character except Fierdan and Duke start pinching themselves. This has to be a weird dream, right? Why is Fierdan positive? So many questions.]

Fierdan: I have cookies. 

Dawn: Well, I'm glad to see you finally feeling happy.

Fierdan: Thank you, Dawn!

Dawn: *looks at Fierdan in total confusion* Okay, something's up. Where is Ryen?

Fierdan: In the living room.

Dawn: *leaves to find Ryen*

[Six minutes later, Dawn comes back with Ryen. At the same time, two other characters enter the room. One is Ardere, but who is the other one?]

Ryen: I didn't drug Fierdan.

Brock: Are you sure?

Ryen: Yes. In fact, I am.

Duke: Oh, I think I know why he's so happy.

Twinkle: What?

Ardere: I found her and told her to join us in skits.

Sparkle: So that's why you weren't in the recent skits? Because you were looking for her?

Ardere: Yeah.

[A girl steps to the side of Ardere and steps forward. She takes a deep breath and fixes her hair so it no longer covers her face. Her pale blue eyes gaze at each person. Her light blonde hair looks like it's messy while still looking beautiful.]

Twinkle: *kicks her backpack away* So you finally decided to come back.

Girl: *trembles and smiles* Y-Yes.

Duke: How does this explain why Fierdan is so happy?

Dawn: *her voice sounds horrified but happy* It's not just her. 

Finny: There's another person behind Ardere?

Dawn: Not behind. In front of.

Finny: Huh?

[Twinkle runs over to the girl and hugs her tightly.]

Twinkle: I missed you so much.

Girl: I missed you too, sis. 

Twinkle: Who helped you find us?

Girl: *points to what looks like nothing* She helped me before Ardere could.

Twinkle: What are you pointing to, Fauna?

[That empty space suddenly turns into a person. A very young girl, that is.]

Mystery Girl: You can thank me.

Dawn: *mystified* Who exactly are you?

Mystery Girl: I don't feel comfortable revealing my entire name yet, so you can just call me A.

Duke: You're the A?!

Fierdan: Yes.

Duke: Who are you?! 

Mystery Girl: I'm A. 

Fierdan: *suddenly kneels and bows to the girl who calls herself, A* 

Finny: What is going on?!

Fierdan: *gets up* Showing my respects.

Duke: What?

Ryen: *clearly doesn't understand Fierdan* Be respectful. 

Duke: Hey so when are you going to explain everything to us, Fierdan?

Fierdan: What is there to explain? 

Duke: Uh.. everything?

Brock: Didn't Fierdan kill this weirdo?

Mystery Girl: Weirdo? 

Brock: Yeah, didn't he kill you?

Fierdan: *frowns at Brock*

Duke: I think Brock could be right for once. 

Twinkle: What the heck is this?

Fauna: She helped me discover the true definition of heaven. Well, in the story universe that is. 

[Fierdan takes a few steps away from everyone and picks up the tray of cookies.]

Fierdan: Anyone want a cookie?

Brock: I'll have one.

Fierdan: *pauses, looks at Brock* Not you.

Brock: Oh darn.

???????????????????

Ah yes. Confusion. 

I confused myself. What does this skit even say? I don't get it.

Well.. to heck with it! 

Don't be fooled by this skit post. I'm still doing miserably.

(oh worm XD)

~ Cutepups 

Confessions I'm Too Afraid To Tell You

I.
I'm so sorry.
Whenever I hear people talk about
Thanksgiving and the winter holidays,
I d-i-s-c-o-n-n-e-c-t from them.
I know the holidays are coming up,
And that is exciting.
I get that.
But please,
Do not talk about that
When I'm with you.
It only makes me feel
Worse.
It makes me feel so much worse.

II.
December 2015,
I felt very bad.
December 2016,
I still felt bad but on a cruise.
I had something to look forward to last year.
The cruise.
This year,
I have nothing but dread.
I don't look forward to the holidays anymore.
I guess that happens when
Kids grow up.
Nah, it's because I'm depressed.
December and depressed.

III.
I have body errors.
When I actually felt calm
And I wasn't even doing anything,
My heart rate shot up and was
Beating so fast for a few minutes.
Is that what heart palpitations are?
I wasn't even drowning in anxiety,
So what's the deal with my heart?
Another thing is my eyes.
They feel so dry sometimes that
It stings and burns.
My eyes feel like they don't
Remember what water is.
Yet I always end up
Crying waterfalls so easily.
I cry so easily from
Sadness, anger, and laughter.
I hate how I'm like that.
I cry way too much for my own good.
And the third thing regards my chest.
I don't own a binder.
The binder that binds a person's chest.
I might want one, but that doesn't matter right now.
Sometimes when I'm walking around
Or even just hanging around at home doing nothing,
I feel so much pressure all over my chest.
It feels constricting.
But there's nothing there.
My chest isn't any flatter.
I hate how these things happen to me.

IV.
I hate when my friends tell me that
I'm cool.
They're the worst.
I'm a better person than them.
The first one might be true,
But I don't know for sure.
But I do know that the last two
Are lies.
The truth is
I'm the real worst.
I'm not better than any of them.
You don't know how terrible of a human being I am.
I'm the worst, so don't ever tell me that you are.
You don't know all my thoughts.
You don't want to know.
I don't deserve even more good things
That I never deserved to be given in the first place.

V.
I hate how I constantly
Smile and laugh
When I'm around them.
It only makes it
So much harder
For me to ever tell them
How much and how long
I've had symptoms of depression.
And that for the past few months,
I've been deeply thinking
On and off and on again
About how much I want to die
Either by accident or my own hands.
I never expected to make it this far.
I don't think I was really meant to be here
Since I keep on failing the test of
How to be a decent functioning human being.
They don't know how overwhelmed I am.
They don't know how much I'm drowning under the pressure.

They don't know how much they're making it worse.
They don't know how much I don't enjoy living.
They don't know how much I need help.
They're my family, and despite it all,
I'm way too scared to open up.
But if I don't,
I could die.
I've shut myself in so many times
That by now,
I have forgotten how to seriously open up to anyone.
They said there must be something wrong with me.
I'm sorry, but I think they're right.

-------------------

Might make a part two. Though I doubt it.

Psychic

You,

Why can't I get you out of my head?

Why do my thoughts go back to you?

Why is my own body more interested in you than myself?

It always goes back to you. 

Not even dreams from

Last week

But dreams from last year too

My subconscious mind lets you in

When you never had the key to begin with

Those dreams are supposed to be about me

So why are you in them?

And not me?

Obsessions

Addiction

I care about other people more than me

Even though I treat them like crap

I don't care about myself at all 

I can't be saved if I don't want to

Even in my sleep

My dreams show me that I am

Obsessed with you

I can't even look into 

My own future 

I'm eternally blind to what my life holds

I don't know anything at all

I guess that means 

I can't be my own psychic 

I'm your psychic

I see your future 

Through my dreams

My subconscious mind is obsessed with you

I hate myself for being that way

There's proof that you have a future

That you'll win the fight

"Everything will be okay", huh?

I should be happy for you

I should be

Happy

Why can't I be happy?

I hate my brain

I hate my thoughts

I hate myself

I hate how there is proof

There is proof that you have a future 

It exists 

And I doubt myself even more that I will

Have a future

I guess I'm nothing more than a mess

A lost cause 

Since you have proof while I don't 

If I can accurately see into other people's futures 

Yet never my own

Does that mean 

Everyone has a future 

Except for me?

Is my mind giving me proof

That I wasn't meant to have a future?

Who is anyone to tell me

No

That I have a future

Everyone

Every freaking person 

Has a future 

Because I became a psychic 

For you and for them 

I know they all have futures

Because I've seen their futures 

I wasn't meant to be here

For this long anyways

So I'm not destined to have the privilege of knowing

For an absolute fact

That I will have a future

A future where I'm still alive 

And not dead before the age of 18 

If I can be your psychic and see into your future, then why can't I do it for myself?

What's the point of being a psychic if I can't be one for myself?

And that is the curse of being a kid

With no ambitions and long-term goals in life

For being that kid who doesn't give a damn about their own life anymore 

Because then their own life gets thrown away and gets replaced with others'

You don't have your own life anymore

So you won't have a future

While you know that you and all your peers will 

That is the curse of the psychic 

I am the kid

I'm the kid who doesn't give a damn

I don't care about my own life anymore

Because I threw my own life and opportunities away

And I've replaced my future with other people's futures 

I don't have a future anymore 

It never existed in the first place 

And god damn it 

I'm so jealous

Or envious 

Whatever the word should be 

It doesn't matter

I feel broken

It hurts 

Being surrounded by people who all have futures 

Everyone except for me

I threw my life away with my future 

And I never properly had either to begin with 

I guess that means I'm not alive 

I'm a living dead

Who should be put into a grave 

Since I've already died   

Knowing your future and not mine

Seeing into the future and being accurate 

That is the curse of the psychic 

I am the psychic 

That is the curse of being me 

Ode To Poetry

Just gotta keep writing 

Think them through

Write it down

Write it out

Write

Write

Write

And remember to

Never stop

Don't stop

Keep on writing

Like your life depends on it

Distractions

You live on distractions

They keep you alive

If you think about writing

Then maybe

Just maybe

Things will be okay

That things will turn out okay

At least in the end

Whenever that times comes

The you here is me

I'm the you 

You aren't me

I'm the you

But you aren't me

Thinking of the characters in my story 

Thinking of ideas for poetry and prose

Writing

It keeps me sane

All the pressures

All the responsibilities 

All my anxieties

Questioning my identity

I don't know what I'm doing

It feels like I'm disconnecting from that word

Sane

And it turned into

S a n e

Which evolves into

Insane 

Write

Write

Write

Write

Write

Write

A distraction

A way to cope

A way back to sanity

A reason to stay alive

It's everything 

Writing is my lifeline

Ink fills up my veins

Blood and ink are keeping me alive

If it weren't for my stories

If it weren't for my poetry

If it wasn't for my ambition to improve and succeed with my writings

And if it weren't for my pets

Especially my small tuxedo cat

And if it weren't for my friends

Even if we never met in person

Then I think I would be fully disconnected 

Sane to s a n e to insane

I'm not sure if I would find the 

Inspiration

Motivation

Reasons

To still be alive 

Whenever things get serious and I have to think

I think of dying

Without these things

What would be the things

That will keep me here?

Because I keep on thinking of dying

Maybe I'm too damn weak

Is my rationality wearing thin

And being replaced with impulsivity?

My sanity is wearing thin

This damned brain 

I hate this

I hate it all

Writing

It makes me want to decide that no

I want to keep pressing go

I'm going to keep on

This is my ode to poetry

I'm going to spam you with poems

You as the reader

That's you

I'm not you

To be honest 

I want to press that red button

I want to press stop

I want everything to stop

Time is going by too fast

Perhaps the stop button is a

Substitute for the pause button

But after pressing stop

Resume ceases from the list of options

So no 

Stop

Go for the

Go

Stop it

Continue

Writing is one of the main things that will make me always

Hesitate 

From making contact with the red stop button

Because that is the button of the ultimate give up

Of giving up my life 

Here's my ode to writing:

Thank you for giving me a purpose

Thank you for giving me a reason to stay alive 

Thank you for always being there for me

I love you 

ok so tbh

Hey so it's 1 am here, and I suddenly became very tired. But I feel like posting this now.

That last post.. yes. Ah, Duke. This boy. Yikes.

Honestly, I'm still pretty dissatisifed with how I end up writing emotions because they always seem so much worse to me than how I imagine it all in my head.

Duke.. yeah, uh, he also got abused during his childhood. I know I worded it strangely (pfft, abuse? yeah right) in the past, but I.. uh.. have a reason now for why it's like that. Sorry, everything is so vague and complicated, I'm sorry.

But like.. it's worse. Far worse. Umm.. ouch.

I have my reasons. It relates to the character he is today (+ in the future story scenes). Like, umm.. it makes him feel so frustrated and filled with so much pent up rage at everyone and the world; it made him not be able to fully trust the past either because with his lost memories, he didn't know how bad his past really was; it can be reasons why he has a long and complex history of bad coping skills and.. being covered with scars and.. death experiences.

This boy is my tragedy boy. It leaves me f*cked up nearly every time I think about him.

Oh and I feel very awkward that I never said it yet, so here I'm saying it now. For months now, I've been imagining all the characters as humans. As in they've always been humans. There's no "fox" or "wolf" thing. I just view them as humans. Not as anthros or furries (oh heck no) but as humans.

In my head, I've been rewriting the entire story so far to make it so that all the characters are humans, and they refer to each other as humans. So when I look back at my old chapters where I referred to them more as anthro foxes than humans, I get uncomfortable and I cringe.

In this rewritten version I have going on in my head, there are no ties to AJ (Jamaa is called something else, Zios is called another Z name, Mira isn't involved at all, I use another word instead of phantoms). I hate how I started this whole story as an AJ fanfic, and I wanted to turn it into my own original story for so long now- since late 2014 I would say.

So instead of there being separate territories called "fox territory", "wolf territory", etc. I would change it so all the characters are humans. Which means there won't be different species. So to replace that, I've been thinking of making it so "fox" and "wolf" could be different cultures/nationalities/nations. Which then would mean that Ardere was from a different culture/nation from the rest of the main characters, and he crossed the border to illegally join the lives of the other characters who all live in another nation with a different culture. And there's tension between the two nations like how there was tension between fox and wolf territory.

Whew.. I hope that makes sense. I'm sorry if I made it more confusing.

Yeah.. anyway...

On news that isn't story related, I have so many poem ideas. My mind is racing with thoughts, causing me to be overflowing with potential poetry.

These ideas, however, could very well upset people. I'm sorry. Just, just have to write down some feelings. Sorry if I end up hurting any of you as well. Sorry if I'm offensive. I'm sorry.

Bad things are going on. Explaining.. that's difficult. Very, very difficult.

 I'm so sorry. I can't do this for much longer. I can't do this. I can't.

I'm thinking of making several poems as posts for a little while.

I have way too many ideas.

It's hard to stay awake. Bye.

~ Cutepups <3

XX (can't come up with proper title)

I've tried thinking of a proper title for this, but I can't come up with one. Well.. yet, that is.

This is the writing piece in Duke's POV that I was referring to in my previous post.

I'm trying something a little different for the format, so it might look awkward.

This might very well ruin me by making me emotional again. That doesn't necessarily mean it'll get the same reaction out of you. I'm the only one who fully gets it since I'm the writer after all.

And, well, some of the mentioned stuff hasn't been formally written in the chapters. I don't really view the stuff as spoilers, but since it hasn't been written about yet, I guess they technically are..?

Yeah, I really don't know. Sorry about that.

Warning: mentions abuse 

Wow, how delightful! What a happy, stupid, lighthearted Duke poem! Haha, he's such a fool, right?! XD (//sarcasm)

Story universe Duke is literally my tragedy boy. So.. there's pain. Yes.. heck.

Well haha, hope you enjoy! <3 ;;

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mother,

Lately, I've been wondering.

Wondering and pondering, 

Sinking and thinking

About the two of us.

You were one cause of

There being 

Holes

In my

Memories.

You

Fractured

Me.

You

Ruined

Me.

It's all your fault.

All

Your

Fault.

Is this what you call

Protecting?

Protecting me?

Keeping me safe?

Is this how you show 

Love?

Fierdan told me everything.

He patched up the

Holes

Because I was too

Young

To have 

Remembered

It all 

On my own.

If things have turned out

Differently

I would like to know

If you would define the words

Protection,

Safety,

Love

Differently?

Because the truth is

I can't understand. 

I don't understand.

I will never understand

How you can

Twist those words

Into fitting your

Definitions. 

What you did wasn't 

Protection,

Safety,

Or love.

It was hate.

And I know 

Hate

That it is a strong word.

But I don't know how else

I could describe your actions.

If you never

Hated me,

If you never

Hated him,

Things would have been different.

But your actions came from a place of

Pure hatred.

So I want to know.

I want to know the

Truth.

But that's hard for you to process

Since all you really know is how to

Lie.

If Fierdan hadn't come

To visit you

When you were pregnant with me,

And if he then hadn't 

Done the things that he'd done,

Would you still 

Harm the child

I would've been?

Because then I wouldn't be the vessel

That I know I am.

Because I know that if

You didn't allow that

Small and lifeless part of

Soulless permanently connected to Fierdan,

As if it's a fusion of them

Forever connected and forever together,

To come to life 

By turning me into its vessel

Then I wouldn't be connected to and seen as a

New Fierdan

Called the

D.U.K.E. Fierdan.

The Duke Fierdan.

If Fierdan hadn't interfered, would you have still been that terrible excuse of a mother towards me?

Would you still be known as the mother who

Abuses her own kid?

Or would you have been a mother who would

Never even consider hurting her own kid?

If Fierdan isn't deeply connected to my identity, 

If Fierdan isn't who I am,

How would I look?

Fierdan caused me to have that

Phantom flame on my heart.

How would I look without it?

I'm curious since everything revolves around it.

You were also young for a mother.

If your circumstances were

Different,

Then would you have more rationality

And less impulsivity?

If you had more life experiences,

Would you have realized that

Hating your child is

Wrong?

You had always hated Fierdan.

You hated fire.

I've learned that you

Hated everything about

My existence 

Ever since the moment I was born.

You knew

You knew all along

That my name had to be Duke.

That's what Fierdan called the name of the

Fusion of Soulless and Fierdan.

D.U.K.E.

The name is Duke.

But you ended up refusing to give me a name when

Eternal asked you what my name would be.

So instead of calling me Duke,

You called me words that are the equivalent to

Trash,

Poop,

And most of all

Vomit.

You knew my name.

You knew who I was.

Yet you refused to acknowledge that

All because you despised Fierdan

For what he did to you

And for what he did to me

Before I was even born.

Back then I didn't know.

How was I supposed to know

If you never actually told me anything?

If you never bothered to have an actual conversation with me?

How the hell was I supposed to know

That you never hated me,

But that you hated Fierdan

For what he did to us 

By cursing my existence

Due to slowly turning me into him?

You hate fire.

You fear fire.

I learned that you tried to force the fire out of me

By attempting to

Freeze and crush

The fire out of me.

But did that work?

Did the physical abuse get rid of the fire?

Did the verbal abuse make me stop being the vessel?

No.

The answer is no.

Your actions didn't change a single thing.

Except how I perceive you as the worst person I know.

The only deep scars you gave me were

Emotional ones.

You made me view the act of

Turning those emotional scars

Into physical scars

As a way to cope.

As if damaging my own body

Was acceptable

And okay.

Freezing my body,

Hitting my body,

Crushing my body,

Is that how you imagine

Fixing me?

Is that how you tried to

Fix me?

Fix me.

I guess that means I always had been

Flawed and broken

In your eyes

Since you always tried your unique ways of

Fixing me by harsh force 

All because Fierdan is me.

Admit it.

You did it all because you saw me as being

The equivalent to Fierdan.

You saw him as a villain

And so you also saw me as a villain.

You freezed my body because you saw me as

Fire instead of another living person.

But here's the thing

I'm different from Fierdan.

And I'm not a fire in the shape of a person.

The thing is

I'm still your son.

But you had to refuse from accepting that fact.

Haha, you're nothing more than a freaking joke.

Fierdan isn't the villain.

Soulless is.

You killed Eternal to protect me.

You call that love, but you made another person who I thought loved me end up leaving me.

You say you hated me because you hated Fierdan.

Then why did you go to his side by killing Eternal in order to save his creation?

In order to save me?

Is this all a freaking joke to you?

Am I a joke to you?

Because all your flawed logic is hilarious.

Physical abuse

How you did that was

Nothing more than a joke.

First things first,

I found out that I was born during a snowstorm.

Even though it was still snowing heavily,

You picked up snow from the ground

And covered me with it

When Eternal wasn't looking.

That was the day I was born.

Snow didn't freeze the fire from developing.

Fire is my life.

You didn't kill me.

Then again.

I can't be killed.

I'm like an immortal that can die.

How ironic.

Just because I can die,

It doesn't make me an ordinary mortal.

I can only die in one specific way.

I tried other times.

I couldn't die.

He couldn't kill me.

I really shouldn't be alive

Yet here I am.

Still breathing

Still living

Still alive. 

Skip a few months and I learned that you

Pressed an ice pack 

Directly onto my skin.

You wouldn't let go.

You kept this going for hours.

You must have took pride in

Holding down a defenseless baby

And putting down so much pressure on that ice pack

That you made cover the flame on my heart.

As if ice could really freeze and get rid of fire.

Skip a few years and you would repeatedly use

Sharp objects against me.

You made me bleed.

That doesn't mean you left physical scars.

Scratches and bruises are only temporary after all.

You used the blades of objects

That shouldn't have ever been weapons 

To make my blood show externally and not only internally.

You were wrong again.

Making me bleed didn't get rid of the fact that

Fierdan and Soulless are parts of my existence.

You forced me to carry objects that

Should have been too heavy for me to lift up.

You really thought those objects would crush my body.

As if crushing me would get rid of Fierdan's work.

As if crushing me would devoid me of oxygen.

Fire can only burn if there is oxygen after all. 

But I continued to live despite that.

When I was nine years old, 

You pushed me into that old basement.

You locked me in there for a whole twelve hours.

There was no air circulation, so there was no heating unit.

It was in the middle of the winter.

Your previous attempts have failed,

So you thought this one would work.

But look at me.

I'm still here.

It was so damn cold down there.

You made me fear basements.

Did you tell Taurel to take me to the Tall Tower's basement by any chance?

I didn't know how to use fire to my advantage back then.

I didn't even know I had actual fire within me.

So I didn't do anything.

Or maybe I did.

Because I didn't lose a significant amount of body heat.

Not this time and not in those previous times.

You didn't freeze my body.

You didn't get rid of the fire.

Because you never killed me.

Or maybe you knew this all along.

And this is another sick way of you 

Protecting and loving me.

In an attempt to fix me and turn me normal,

You ended up breaking me.

I guess that in order to fix certain things,

They need to be broken.

To this day,

I still don't know how to feel about you.

Because to tell you the truth,

I hate you.

I love you.

You tried to kill me several times.

You saved my life despite all that and how I was a burden on you.

In your thesaurus, fixing and destroying, and saving and killing are synonyms. 

I barely understand myself, so I definitely can't understand your logic.

You're a messed up person who made me even more messed up.

Despite what you desperately say to me,

What you did wasn't okay.

None of it was okay.

Just because you saved my life doesn't mean I forgive you.

A person like you is unforgivable.

You wouldn't even tell me why.

Until they were after me.

But you were still late.

You aren't my comfort.

You did the opposite of keeping me safe.

You're a filthy hypocrite.

You thought you had saved me.

But you were too late.

I couldn't have been saved.

Nothing can save me.

Especially not you.

I am Fierdan.

If you hate him, then you hate me equally as much.

I'm not that perfect child you planned on having.

We're both cursed individuals.

Let it go.

The past can't be undone.

What Fierdan did sticks to me.

What you did to me sticks to me.

Your actions are just as permanent as his.

It's way too late for you to delete your actions.

You can't fix me for real.

I won't let you.

I promised that I would hurt the people who hurt me.

I kept that promise for you too.

You're the first person to make my life hell.

You're not a mother.

You're a monster.

You're unforgivable.

I will always be afraid of you.

I hate you.

Your son.