Red Feet

The title is a title of a poem. 

I have some notes to say before I show it though.

Today (Friday) has been a pretty good day. I didn't feel too bad and think about death as much as I've been doing earlier this week. Ha, I guess that's good. Heh.

This poem is based on a few days ago. Wednesday night, I think. 

Yeah, this could technically count as me venting out some feelings. Yeah heh eh.

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There is this phrase

"Walking on eggshells"

I didn't know that

A simple phrase 

Could end up

Becoming so real

Since the phrase ended up

Deeply impacting me

Emotionally and physically 

There aren't any eggshells here 

Not on the floor and not on the ground 

I didn't see any eggshells here 

I also didn't see any legos scattered about 

The floor and the ground are the same as they've always been 

But that didn't stop my feet from

Getting red

For the past few days 

I've felt as if all I could do was 

Walk on those non-existent eggshells 

Whenever I was around him

In the span of just a few days

I've gotten consumed by fear

That I've become so

Fragile that I had to 

Watch my step 

Whenever he and I were in the same building 

In the same house 

I've become so fragile that 

I had to watch my step 

Every step I took 

So I wouldn't break down 

Even more than I already had 

Several years ago

My brother said my song theme was 

A song called Fragile

And he's right 

I am so sensitive 

So fragile 

I am fragile 

Fragile is who I am 

Being so scared

Having so much anxiety 

Even starting to become paranoid 

And having my trust broken again by the people 

I thought I could trust 

Having to be so cautious 

Having to watch every step I took

To make sure I didn't go 

Out of line again 

And accidentally give him another reason

To yell at and threaten me 

To be honest 

I'm believing it more than ever 

It's a fact 

There is fire underneath my skin 

I believe there is fire in my veins 

I have a fire inside of me 

But unfortunately 

I'm just imagining this fire 

It isn't actually real 

I'm not actually made of fire 

It just feels as if I'm 

Burning from the inside 

Despite my body never being consumed by fire 

Anger and fear 

Those were the emotions that 

Fueled my metaphorical fire 

Because I was filled with 

So much anger and fear 

At my family 

And most of all

At my dad 

I didn't have to step on 

Broken eggshells

Scattered legos 

Or shards of glass 

I didn't have to physically step on anything 

I had my socks on and I was sitting on my bed 

That didn't stop my feet from 

Getting hurt 

Because I stepped out of line 

Not in the physical way but the emotional one 

I stayed in my room 

I locked my door

I was alone by myself 

With me, myself, and I 

I was consumed by unbearable amounts of 

Anger and fear 

So much that the emotions evolved 

From simply being feelings

To things that could physically affect me too 

The bottoms of my feet became so red

They were entirely red 

It hurt 

I was burning 

They said he was behaving that way towards me

Because he cares 

That made me so angry 

Because how could he care 

When he was fueling my fire 

And hiding the water when I needed it more than ever 

To get rid of the fire that was burning me alive?

He wasn't helping 

They weren't helping 

Fire burns 

He was just helping the fire burn 

He liked being the cause of me

Burning from the inside out 

And yes I got angry 

I became consumed by rage 

I was drowning in fear 

And the levels were becoming 

Extremely hard to handle 

They were just fueling the fire 

The fire of my pain 

Of my anger and fear 

And yes those feelings somehow became physical that night 

You really hurt me, dad.

I don't think I've been that scared of him

For that many days in a row

Genuinely scared 

And my fear turned into rage

I'm fragile 

It's so easy to break me

My outer layer of skin is made of glass 

It's so easy to shatter glass 

And underneath my glass layer 

I am full of fire

Deep emotions can cause 

My glass layer to break

And my fire to show 

Fuel the fire by provoking me with your actions 

And you will get burned 

After everything he did 

I'm not afraid to burn someone 

Especially not afraid of burning the person who

Gave me the painful fire to begin with 

My feet were completely red 

They were way too warm 

They were burning

You set me on fire and left me to burn 

It hurt

It still hurts 

You really hurt me 

You made my anger and fear attack me physically 

You caused all of it 

You really hurt me, dad.

I didn't step on anything bad

But that didn't stop my feet 

From burning and from 

Turning such an intense red

I didn't have to step on anything

For the bottoms of my feet to bleed

He never touched me

He didn't set me on fire 

He didn't make me bleed 

Physically that is 

But he did emotionally 

And it turns out that 

My emotions can show physically once they reach a certain level 

If I feel too much anger and fear for too long 

Then I will bleed and burn 

Despite never being touched

Having emotions at such an intensity 

That they hurt me physically as well as emotionally 

Hurts so much 

It's a lot of pain 

Being hurt and only getting more reasons to hurt 

Well it hurts so freaking much 

Bleeding and burning as a result of emotions 

It's messed up 

I am messed up 

Red feet was the first sign 

It was my first breaking point 

I am fragile 

The layer of glass is breaking and then all I'll be is 

A human that is covered with fire 

Burning is very painful 

Don't get burned 

Don't cause me to burn 

Don't fuel the fire 

I don't like getting hurt 

And I don't want to hurt others

But if you make me burn 

Then it's your own fault if I cause

The fire of pain to burn you as well 

At this point I'm not afraid of

Hurting people who hurt me to that degree 

And I got hurt so much that it caused me to burn  

Be glad you don't have fire underneath your skin

Be glad that your body doesn't cause you to burn 

Fire is a curse, not a blessing

You don't want your own body to burn you

From the inside out 

I got really hurt

Don't glorify my pain 

This is just me writing out my pain 

And it hurts

It hurts so much 

Fire is pain 

You don't want the fire 

Fire only wants to burn 

You don't want to be like me

You don't want to get burned by your own body 

I don't like being full of fire 

I don't want to be fire 

I want to be human 

With a body that doesn't 

End up burning me alive from the inside out 

Whenever I strongly feel an emotion  

I really hate being fragile.