Dang.. those moodswings though.
Ah geez, my emotions are wrecked. Pfft.
Friday and the weekend.. welp. :'(
This morning before school. :(
After that, not as terrible.
And now I'm here. Yeah. c:
Anyway hi, being yelled at and threatened isn't that good, guys. Being lied to, which leads to being nervous on edge and more trust issues. Waking up at 4 am, and barely getting any sleep. Craving that Death. That hurt lol. :'}
Tomorrow is Tuesday. Uh.. heck.
Honestly, I'm so damn sensitive. I cringe at myself. Being sensitive is ruining my life.
I get anxious so easily. It's probably out of proportion. So that's why I keep on saying I want to die. Because early in the day, I wake up early due to anxiety and everything hurts and I feel so hopeless and that everyone hates me, and so I'm a negative guy. But later in the day, the severe painful anxiety lessens at least slightly, so I don't feel and think seriously about the possibility of dying before December begins. Haha whoops, posting and writing down my thoughts and feelings throughout the day is a total mess. I'm a mess.
Except being lied to, yelled at, threatened, invalidated, and blamed. If that happens throughout the day or later in the day, then I don't become more positive than earlier in the day. That should be pretty obvious.
And because none of that happened today, unlike this weekend, I feel better now than earlier. :)
If I actually had time to draw, I probably would have drawn a few vent doodles. Haha.. yeah.
For most of them, I have Duke being the character in the vents. Instead of like, a random person.
Because.. you see.. my boy, Duke, is my top vent character. Wow, what a purpose you have, fire boy.
And instead of thinking of Fierdan as another vent character, I thought of Dawn as next in line.
Duke, Dawn, and the shared suffering. Ah, ha, ahh.
Different times. Different people. Still violated. Still resulted in having bodies that are damaged beneath the surface.
Hmm, you might be thinking, "Cutepups, why don't you plan anything happy for your story?", and I'll say, "Ah.. no."
The story is a tragedy. There was always pain. Now that I've been writing more, I know how to make the pain more painful and believable. And I'm in more pain now than back then. I'm struggling lmao so hey.
... geez, I have a lot of vent themed drawings of Duke and Dawn. Umm.. ouch.
... A few times lately, I've suddenly found myself thinking of drawing Duke's cursed flame mark over my own heart. And then my cursed thoughts kept on thinking of Chapter 27. ... that means bad things lol haha.
... uh ...
I listened to twenty one pilots this weekend. Haven't listened to them in a while. Me, using song lyrics to validate my feelings? More likely than you think.
Because of the past few months, the line that goes, "I could pull the steering wheel", turned into a line that just hits me. Just.. damn. I get it now, I feel it now.
Viewers: uh wtf does this say?
Me: it means that for the past few months i've been getting thoughts of how easy i could just get in a car crash when driving since apparently i could get into those easily because of who i am and my carelessness and anxiety when driving :-) could just turn the steering wheel and go into another lane :-) ahhhh.
If I ever suddenly turn ghost on here (I mean not post for a few more days than usual), it's because I'm under a lot of pressure and I'm very scared and stressed.
Sorry in advance if I ever invalidate your upset feelings. It's hard for me to connect the fact that other people could be struggling and feel as overwhelmed as much as I currently am.
So yeah, sorry if I'm ever obviously toxic.
I know it's Monday, but I couldn't bring myself to think of any good quality new skit material. Things in my life happened. Life happened.
... Maybe those vent drawings I only have in my head will be badly drawn one day.
I keep on breaking my art post promises. Sorry about that, too.
I'm not checking to see if what I'm typing makes any sense. I'm just jotting words down.
Don't let my hopelessness and despair tear away your positivity. You really shouldn't do that for a fool like me.
... okay ...
~ Cutepups
<3 </3 <3
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