3 am word dump

It's 3 am.

I first went to sleep (for the night) at 9.

Woke up a little before 1.

I want to stay awake until I can't.

I want to collapse.

Collapse and rot away into this mattress.

-x-x-

I'm sick.

I feel the sickness- s p r e a d i n g.

So sick (unwell) mentally that it's gotten physical too.

It hurts.

Everything hurts.

Yet again, I wake up to headaches.

Tension, migraine.. both.

-x-x-

Friday sucked.

Some Fridays just suck.

-x-x-

Got another project to do.

Just had one.

Now got another one.

So much work.

Life is too much.

Being alive is so much work, and I find it harder by the day.

-x-x-

I really hate how I can't be happy for more than only a few hours for one day a week.

It freaking sucks.

Seeing and hearing people being happy makes me jealous.

The sad, melancholic type of jealousy.

The world is already hell, and I'm living in it.

-x-x-

I'm so convinced that everyone who knows me is disappointed in me.

I'm a huge disappointment.

Everyone hates me, so I hate everyone too.

I'll disappoint you too.

-x-x-

The words I hear in real life are quite something.

They make me want to die even more.

It's like they're giving me justified reasons about how I'm being a realist when I think that stuff.

The stuff that goes like this.

I want to kill my self.

But that's not being a realist. That's being a pessimist.

Maybe they're both the same thing.

It feels like people in real life are downplaying the fact that I actually hate so fvcking much that I'm alive.

But that's being selfish.

Of course it is.

-x-x-

When I'm at school or at home or anywhere really, I hear this voice in my head.

Is this what it feels like to lose your mind? I'm losing my mind.

Leave me alone. Shut up.

Leave me alone! Shut up!

It's not even my name.

It says Cutepups.

"Cutepups, Cutepups, Cutepups..."

In such an urgent and concerned voice.

Disappointed. They're disappointed in me. You're disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in myself.

-x-x-

I'm so self-centered.

Sometimes my friends tell me they want to die.

It's not just you, Cutepups. You're not alone in this.

Well, I want to die too.

But my hell mind's reasons aren't valid enough.

Anyway, I hate thinking and wanting to die.

I hate thinking of all that every damned day.

This must be hell.

-x-x-

I'm dreading Tuesday so much.

I don't want Tuesday to come.

I don't want him to come home.

I don't want Thankgiving to come.

I don't even want tomorrows to come anymore.

This is sad. Stop being so edgy, Cutepups.

Yeah haha okay.

I just think of killing myself being a more realistic option as the weeks and months go by.

Maybe actually doing something about that will show all of them.

-x-x-

I have my cat, Thelma, with me.

She's on my bed, and her body is curled up by the backs of my knees.

Maybe I'll just decide that no.

Why would I kill myself when I have a little tuxedo cat here who loves me and rushes over to me when I cry?

I love my cat so much.

-x-x-

I overheard him say.

"Are you sure she even wants to go to college?"

I.. I don't know.

I don't know what I want.

I doubt I'll ever be truly happy.

I'm not sure I'm doing the stuff that I actually want.

Do I want this? Is this something that I want?

I just don't know anymore.

-x-x-

It's almost 4 am.