Confessions I'm Too Afraid To Tell You

I.
I'm so sorry.
Whenever I hear people talk about
Thanksgiving and the winter holidays,
I d-i-s-c-o-n-n-e-c-t from them.
I know the holidays are coming up,
And that is exciting.
I get that.
But please,
Do not talk about that
When I'm with you.
It only makes me feel
Worse.
It makes me feel so much worse.

II.
December 2015,
I felt very bad.
December 2016,
I still felt bad but on a cruise.
I had something to look forward to last year.
The cruise.
This year,
I have nothing but dread.
I don't look forward to the holidays anymore.
I guess that happens when
Kids grow up.
Nah, it's because I'm depressed.
December and depressed.

III.
I have body errors.
When I actually felt calm
And I wasn't even doing anything,
My heart rate shot up and was
Beating so fast for a few minutes.
Is that what heart palpitations are?
I wasn't even drowning in anxiety,
So what's the deal with my heart?
Another thing is my eyes.
They feel so dry sometimes that
It stings and burns.
My eyes feel like they don't
Remember what water is.
Yet I always end up
Crying waterfalls so easily.
I cry so easily from
Sadness, anger, and laughter.
I hate how I'm like that.
I cry way too much for my own good.
And the third thing regards my chest.
I don't own a binder.
The binder that binds a person's chest.
I might want one, but that doesn't matter right now.
Sometimes when I'm walking around
Or even just hanging around at home doing nothing,
I feel so much pressure all over my chest.
It feels constricting.
But there's nothing there.
My chest isn't any flatter.
I hate how these things happen to me.

IV.
I hate when my friends tell me that
I'm cool.
They're the worst.
I'm a better person than them.
The first one might be true,
But I don't know for sure.
But I do know that the last two
Are lies.
The truth is
I'm the real worst.
I'm not better than any of them.
You don't know how terrible of a human being I am.
I'm the worst, so don't ever tell me that you are.
You don't know all my thoughts.
You don't want to know.
I don't deserve even more good things
That I never deserved to be given in the first place.

V.
I hate how I constantly
Smile and laugh
When I'm around them.
It only makes it
So much harder
For me to ever tell them
How much and how long
I've had symptoms of depression.
And that for the past few months,
I've been deeply thinking
On and off and on again
About how much I want to die
Either by accident or my own hands.
I never expected to make it this far.
I don't think I was really meant to be here
Since I keep on failing the test of
How to be a decent functioning human being.
They don't know how overwhelmed I am.
They don't know how much I'm drowning under the pressure.

They don't know how much they're making it worse.
They don't know how much I don't enjoy living.
They don't know how much I need help.
They're my family, and despite it all,
I'm way too scared to open up.
But if I don't,
I could die.
I've shut myself in so many times
That by now,
I have forgotten how to seriously open up to anyone.
They said there must be something wrong with me.
I'm sorry, but I think they're right.

-------------------

Might make a part two. Though I doubt it.