It's November. (aka the month that I will be genuinely surprised if I don't die in XD)
I watched some more episodes of Stranger Things. Geez.. yes,,;;. I didn't finish it though.
I have so many story writing things in mind. It's kinda taking over my life. To you guys, it probably seems to be either very simple or too complex to even understand. But for me, all the characters and the different plot lines.. they're so complex and everything is so emotional to me.
I love all my characters. Yes, all of them. Even the most cruel, terrible excuses of people. Not love as in I want it to look like I'm glamorizing their actions, but love as how complex of characters they all are (their personality, goals and ambitions, viewpoints).
The villain can appear as the hero in certain eyes. It all depends on the perspective. To some characters, people who can be mistaken for villains are heroes. To some other characters, the villains are the heroes.
There isn't a clear cut hero and villain. Both have done good and bad (it all depends on perspective on what those terms mean).
But does that make some of the characters' actions acceptable? Of course not. Over time, their reasons of good rotted away and only reasons of bad stayed and increased.
Gosh, I love it. I screw up my characters (mentally, physically, or both) which also means I keep on screwing myself up.
Well, relating to story stuff at least. I'm eternally screwed for other reasons, ha ha aahh.
Anyway, I have a skit. :)
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[Twinkle opens a door and finds Fierdan and Duke sitting on chairs in the dark. Duke looks like he's counting the fingers on his hands. Fierdan looks like he's hugging his knees and rocking back and forth in his chair. Then Twinkle flicks on a light switch.]
Twinkle: Oh, there you guys are! What are you doing in here? In the dark?
[She is followed by a silence. Very surprising indeed.]
Twinkle: Uh, I honestly was expecting someone- ahem, Duke- to complain that I burned his eyes because I turned the light on.
Duke: *holds a hand with certain fingers up and turns slightly in Twinkle's direction* Oh. Hello, Twinkle.
Twinkle: Huh? What are you doing?
Duke: Turning on a light switch is nothing compared to what my eyes went through in the story universe. About that, we're discussing a comparison between the story and skit universes.
Twinkle: It doesn't look like you're discussing.
Fierdan: *barely audible, muttering* If this were to be a replica of the story universe, then the day would occur in a little over one month.
Twinkle: What day?
Duke: Our birthday.
Fierdan: *speaking normally but still quietly* This year, Duke would be turning 18. In the story universe, the day was involved around taking place before his 18th birthday. Well, in human years. I never really got all the "fox" year stuff.
Twinkle: *realizes what they're referring to* Oh.. umm.. I just wanted to ask you guys if you wanted any Halloween candy. Both of you didn't go trick or treating last night, and I don't know why. Dawn, Sparkle, Finny, Ardere, and I all had lots of fun. We weren't expecting you to miss out.
Duke: *stops holding up certain fingers up on his hands and stares at his empty hands in the way that Fierdan did* Trick or treating. I don't do that.
Twinkle: Oh and why are you sounding like that? You don't sound like your typical skit self, Duke.
Duke: Sounding like what? I don't go trick or treating.
Fierdan: *sits in a reclined position now* I never went trick or treating either.
Twinkle: So why didn't you join us?
Fierdan: I'm too old..?
Twinkle: You can't be too old to go trick or treating. Especially if you never went before.
Fierdan: Oh hmm okay. Then why didn't you join them, Duke?
Duke: I said I don't go trick or treating.
Fierdan: You never did?
Duke: Oh no, no. I went. Used to, not anymore.
Twinkle: Oh hmm.
Duke: *sighs, stands up and walks away from chair, and faces them* She didn't realize I snuck out on that year's Halloween. I was so little back then.
Twinkle: Wait, what?
Duke: *ignores her* He didn't move away from her yet. Not like that means anything. If they knew, they wouldn't have let me go. Well, I went out trick or treating with Dare.
Twinkle: Who's Dare?
Fierdan: Did Dare dare you to go out late at night?
Duke: Umm.. then.. The older kids teased Dare for hanging out with me. He's older than me. Uh.. I got scared easily back then. I ran away from them. I also left my bag of candy behind. Since then, I didn't like to go trick or treating.
[Brock enters room.]
Brock: Oh, that is a tragedy!
Duke: Get out. Bye. *pushes Brock out of room*
Brock: I'm being honest!
Duke: And I'm being honest when I tell you to get far away from me.
Fierdan: You told that story terribly.
Duke: Ugh, you too?
Fierdan: Uh.. nothing.
Twinkle: I'm confused about everything.
....... ..... ......
Hi, I get a new thing to worry about every single day. People in my grade at school say they give up, and I'm yelling at them in my head by thinking about how much freaking bullsht is in their words. They are still trying and they still care, so they didn't give up.
I'm the only one I know irl who has given up. I officially gave up a while ago. I don't care, and I am not trying enough.
I'm fvcked for the future. Literally. I'm so screwed over.
My future has been ruined by my own hands and mind. Nothing- nothing- can fix all of it.
Haha, it's just my entire future and the rest of my life I'm talking about. It's not everything, sure, but it's a huge something.
I'm trying to think more positively, but it isn't freaking working. With everything going on, it just can't.
It's basically impossible to think I'm going to be okay when the future is so vague and uncertain about it going to be okay.
On an almost daily basis, I think of how I could just do some actions and damage my insides.
Being around most people my age makes me want to die even more. Looking at more successful people my age should make me feel inspired, but it ruins my self worth so much.
I wake up every day with a little but definite amount of anxiety and dread.
No matter what you say or what I say, I won't be fully happy. I've been dying internally in the figurative sense for a while now. It's impossible to be only happy when someone is going through that.
Well anyway, bye.
~ Cutepups <3
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