ok so tbh

Hey so it's 1 am here, and I suddenly became very tired. But I feel like posting this now.

That last post.. yes. Ah, Duke. This boy. Yikes.

Honestly, I'm still pretty dissatisifed with how I end up writing emotions because they always seem so much worse to me than how I imagine it all in my head.

Duke.. yeah, uh, he also got abused during his childhood. I know I worded it strangely (pfft, abuse? yeah right) in the past, but I.. uh.. have a reason now for why it's like that. Sorry, everything is so vague and complicated, I'm sorry.

But like.. it's worse. Far worse. Umm.. ouch.

I have my reasons. It relates to the character he is today (+ in the future story scenes). Like, umm.. it makes him feel so frustrated and filled with so much pent up rage at everyone and the world; it made him not be able to fully trust the past either because with his lost memories, he didn't know how bad his past really was; it can be reasons why he has a long and complex history of bad coping skills and.. being covered with scars and.. death experiences.

This boy is my tragedy boy. It leaves me f*cked up nearly every time I think about him.

Oh and I feel very awkward that I never said it yet, so here I'm saying it now. For months now, I've been imagining all the characters as humans. As in they've always been humans. There's no "fox" or "wolf" thing. I just view them as humans. Not as anthros or furries (oh heck no) but as humans.

In my head, I've been rewriting the entire story so far to make it so that all the characters are humans, and they refer to each other as humans. So when I look back at my old chapters where I referred to them more as anthro foxes than humans, I get uncomfortable and I cringe.

In this rewritten version I have going on in my head, there are no ties to AJ (Jamaa is called something else, Zios is called another Z name, Mira isn't involved at all, I use another word instead of phantoms). I hate how I started this whole story as an AJ fanfic, and I wanted to turn it into my own original story for so long now- since late 2014 I would say.

So instead of there being separate territories called "fox territory", "wolf territory", etc. I would change it so all the characters are humans. Which means there won't be different species. So to replace that, I've been thinking of making it so "fox" and "wolf" could be different cultures/nationalities/nations. Which then would mean that Ardere was from a different culture/nation from the rest of the main characters, and he crossed the border to illegally join the lives of the other characters who all live in another nation with a different culture. And there's tension between the two nations like how there was tension between fox and wolf territory.

Whew.. I hope that makes sense. I'm sorry if I made it more confusing.

Yeah.. anyway...

On news that isn't story related, I have so many poem ideas. My mind is racing with thoughts, causing me to be overflowing with potential poetry.

These ideas, however, could very well upset people. I'm sorry. Just, just have to write down some feelings. Sorry if I end up hurting any of you as well. Sorry if I'm offensive. I'm sorry.

Bad things are going on. Explaining.. that's difficult. Very, very difficult.

 I'm so sorry. I can't do this for much longer. I can't do this. I can't.

I'm thinking of making several poems as posts for a little while.

I have way too many ideas.

It's hard to stay awake. Bye.

~ Cutepups <3