songs cutepups listens to while writing too many papers (the ones with words)

Hi. It's Sunday night. A new week of classes starts tomorrow. 

Which basically means more papers to work on. 

Hi, I've been making a couple posts about how many papers I have to do for my classes. 

So I decided to post some of the songs I've been listening to on repeat while writing said papers. 

(I also have been listening to 30+ minute instrumental playlists/soundtracks, but I'm just gonna post the songs with lyrics here. Yeah idk why I'm doing this either, enjoy.) 

:) :) :) 

Avoiding~ Vorsa 

Erase Me~ Said The Sky (feat. NEONHEART) 

Change Your Mind~ Said The Sky (feat. Vancouver Sleep Clinic) 

Prove Me Wrong~ Yoe Mase 

Mars~ Sleeping At Last 

Superhero~ Lauv 

Sleeping World~ Vancouver Sleep Clinic 

Afterlife~ Illenium (feat. Echos) 

Little Poor Me~ LAYTO 

It takes a while to finish the endless stack of writing assignments, okay? I got more songs too, but I don't want to post any more. XD 

Umm.. bye. 

hey i'm doing stuff this weekend

Yeah. Fun stuff.* :) 

It's parents/family weekend at my college this weekend, so my parents (and grandma) came yesterday. 

We went to this great restaurant. Very good food. I drank something other than water in the first time in.. a while. 

I went with them to their hotel room. It was nice spending a few hours there and not in my dorm room. 

I finished an essay due at 11:59. I worked on it in one of their hotel rooms. For a few hours. 

I'm just happy I'll be going off-campus this weekend. It's so boring on weekends here. 

And they brought so much stuff with them when they came to my dorm. Food, water, clothes, bags, seat cushion, that pillow with the arms where you can sit up and lean back in bed (uh..) haha yeah. 

Just.. d'aww :') <3 

The writing assignments don't stop coming. 

(Well, what did you expect, Cutepups? You're in three college English(-like) classes.)

I know, but it's a lot of writing. Just saying. Gotta analyze those hecking texts every week. I'm not sure if I'm answering the questions correctly, but I'm trying. 

I also have a lab report due soon. (For one of my non-English classes) :|

Oh, oh! The trip this past Thursday was the one that gave me the least amount of stress/anxiety. It was a nice trip then. 

Yay. :) 

Not sure when I'll post again. Maybe it'll be later today, maybe it'll be tomorrow. Just wait and see...

so uh that happened

(wow something from today) 

I told my dad to text me new pictures of Sunshine and Thelma to me. 

But what did he do? 

He just sent me pictures of me with them from July. 

Asdfghjkl. That wasn't the point. 

I wanted to see them in the present. How they're doing now. Not when I was with them. 

Pfft. 

I cropped one of the pictures because I didn't want to show myself in it. My mom was kind of in the picture I'm going to show too, so there's another reason to crop it. 

Thelma is lying down on/into Sunshine. Sunshine's face is cute. 

Man, I miss them so much. </3 

(eww, my arm) 

I miss my babies. :( 

I've been very stressed these past few days. And ugh, tomorrow's freaking long Thursday. 

I can't wait for this week to come to an end. 

haha .. i hate this

Ok so. I have poem ideas. And I really want to write them. So badly. 

And of course I get all the good ideas when I literally can't fit the time to write them into my schedule. 

Ah.. :'} 

Oh and of course they aren't the "good" writing ideas. They aren't helpful right now, brain! I have to think about good writing ideas for my college papers. For the essay! For every freaking response "paragraph" I have to do! 

Not sad/concerning poetry about myself and my characters! 

College coursework has piled on top of me. I hate myself for being such an idiot. Why did I sabotage myself? :'( 

I'm stressed. I've got a ton to do today (Tuesday) in preparation for Wednesday. And oh god, I am scared for Wednesday. I'm really not prepared, and I should just die. :'} 

I wish I could write what I want to, but stupid college things got in my way. Man, I hate this. 

I have to write something about this four-paged "poem" and wow it makes my longest poem look short. Trying to analyze the things I have to read is so hard.

College is very hard. I feel inadequate to everyone else and that I'm the dumbest person here. It feels more true by the day. 

Yeah, that's all I wanted to say. I'm going to try and get some sleep because I doubt I'll deserve to get any a day from now. I've got so much work to do for Tuesday and Wednesday. 

I can't wait for the weekend. I'm looking forward to it. 

But I have to go through this week of college hell first. Hope I make it out in one piece. 

Goodbye. 

i was bored idk

I was bored, so I took some online tests. 

(Don't worry, it's for " 'fun' ") 

ugh not this bs again 

I made this post to tell you the results the tests gave me, so you can laugh at me in pity. Like, "haha what a loser cutepups is." 

:) 

First test I took: "Internet Addiction Assessment"

• 45/72 

Second test I took: "Buss Perry Aggression Questionaire"

• Physical aggression: 0.54/1

• Verbal aggression: 0.36/1

• Hostility: 0.35/1 

• Anger: 0.66/1 

Third test I took: "Taylor Manifest Anxiety Scale" 

• 28/38 

That's all I took. 

..... idk why i made this post 

.... this is dumb

Just got curious about the first two. Then decided to take the easiest to answer anxiety test. 

And then I got too tired to continue. So I gave up. 

Yeah uh, this post is dumb. 

Bye. 

blushing dodo bird throws shade

@ the title: Yes. 

I went on AJ. I also went on AJ a few days ago. That time was nice. :)

Today on AJ, I decided to adopt a dodo bird. 

I have the receipts. Here's my boy's certificate. 

Shadyegg. What a name. It took me a while to decide on a name. It's wonderful. 

But sweetie,, why is your favorite food bouillon? I do not understand. 

Give this boy a jetpack. Let him fly, it's his dream. 

Here he is with Precious. :D 

I love that little dragon dude. He's like :V rawr uwu. Baby boy,, I love you. 

I also bought some fall den items because it is now the fall season. Yay. 

The wind is too slow. Gotta go fast! 

Ahh yeah, there we go! Look at them leaf spinners go! Very good! 

The new items are orange and red, and they still fit that part of my den's color scheme. Oh that's so nice! Oh yeah! 

Shadyegg is Precious's new child. Welcome to the club, you shady bird. You sure do love throwing that shade, don't you? Pfft. 

--------------

Unfortunately, tomorrow is Monday. I'm actually getting very stressed now. This hecking week. I'm busy. I have lots of writings to start and finish. Got a math exam on Wednesday. 

Wednesday,, I'm scared. I'm not ready at all. 

Neither for Tuesday. 

Well guys, hope this week doesn't kill me! Ha, haha, haa.. 

Bye! 

Statue of Liberty trip

Not from a few days ago. From last week's Thursday. 

Went up to the pedestal. Had to take a "Statue of Liberty cruise" to get to Liberty Island, which is where the statue is. 

This was only the first half of my class trip. I came back to my dorm between 12:40 and 12:50 in the morning. It was crazy.. 

So yeah. Pictures. Enjoy. 

Zoomed in on my phone. Took this pic on the ferry. 

Oh and there's a museum. Here are other versions. Statue ideas. Yeah idk. 

My class went to visit the Statue of Liberty because we had an assignment on this sonnet. Had to write a paper about how her sonnet changed the meaning of the statue. That was a few papers ago. I have so many papers to do.. 

The view towards the city from the pedestal. It was a cloudy day. The current (the water) was awful. It was hard to keep balance on the ferry. Because of the hurricane.. in the south. Yeah uh, I nearly tripped/lost my balance several times. Especially when the ferry was going back to Manhattan at the end of the Statue of Liberty cruise. My feet hurt. 

More landscape but this time with a bridge. 


The view I could get of the statue's arm holding the tablet/book from the pedestal. 

The view I could get of the statue's arm holding the torch from the pedestal. The torch is for "enlightening the world" :). 

And here's the back view of the Statue of Liberty. From back on the ground, obviously. Very nice indeed. 

And one last picture of Lady Liberty for the day. :) 

Also went to Ellis Island to visit the immigration museum there. I didn't take pictures there though. 

After that, we went back to Manhattan.  

-----------------

This was my first time visiting the Statue of Liberty, despite driving past it on several car trips into other parts of NYC. 

On another note, I took a picture in Paris on the bus. 

There's a smaller Statue of Liberty there. It's kinda funny how I took a close-up picture of the one in France before the one right by me in NYC. 

It shouldn't be a surprise on why there's one in France.. (ahem) 

I kept on thinking about how I saw it in France when I was on the ferry to Liberty Island. Thinking about it amused little old me. :') 

--------------------

In Manhattan, we saw a play at night. After we all went to a Japanese restaurant. 

It's called Bernhardt Hamlet. That's what we saw. Yeah. 

It was an extremely long day. Thursdays are long and stressful days, that's for sure. 

Kind of like Mondays. But to the extreme. 

Ok, I'm done. Bye. 

idk what to title this

I really don't know. I'm just here to talk about whatever. 

(Pfft, what else is new?) 

~•~•~•~•~•~•~ 

Personal perks of having to spend the day fasting:

• It takes a pretty long time for me to get really hungry 

• I don't have to remind myself to get food and drink water (cus humans have to do that to survive lol) 

The cons: 

• Uh, everything else..? 

I got a headache. Still got a headache. I drank some water though. And took an Advil. 

(omg no one cares, cpup) 

So, this was the first year I had to go to classes. Didn't go to services. 

Darn. :( 

Classes are tiring. Especially not being able to eat or drink anything all day. And having a lecture about nutrition/nutrients in my last class today. 

Ah, life... 

I just stopped talking to my family at home on the phone. They told me Thelma turned her head when she heard my voice. She was apparently sleeping next to the house phone. :') 

It's not even 10 yet I'm very tired right now.

-x-x-x- 

I have NYC class trips every week. Got another one tomorrow. 

Oh! I have pictures. 

I really should start spamming you with only picture posts. Seriously. 

I hope I don't accidentally make myself be a complete idiot again. I felt like the dumbest one in the group. 

Yeah ahh. Definitely a bad feeling. 

-x-x-x- 

Random story/skit characters thought: 

Ryen is four to five years older than Fierdan. Depends on the month. 

I still haven't figured out Ryen's birthday, but I know it's before December which is Fierdan's birthday month. 

Thinking of their childhood still pains me emotionally. Geez, it hurts. 

-x-x-x- 

I'm getting busy with coursework. 

Not a surprise. 

I'll still post though. 

I'm still here. 

But that's it for this post. 

mondays are long and tiring

Yep. True that. Mondays are long and tiring. 

The work is piling on. Ahh..!

My first class got canceled though. 

But whatever, I still got that stress, baby! (aaahhhh)

About those worms I mentioned last week, well, they're stressing me out. :^( 

Oh hahaha haha ha! College sure is FUn!!!1!!?1!1!?! 

----------------------

I really want to make that skit. But I'm busy. Ugh, why must life be this way? Ouch. </3 

Bye, bye. 

ummm fierdan lol

Hi, here's a new post. 

Eww, it's Monday. Which means it's gonna be a long day. Yip pee. :| 

Uh hhhhh ok ????

Well then. I'm here to make a list of things that cheer me up from wanting to do the Die. 

1. Listen to music 

2. Watch shows

• by "shows" I mean starting new Netflix series and watching those recent new anime episodes 

3. Reread my old-ish skit posts

4. Fierdan. 

Ah yes. Him. I've been thinking about him. 

Yeah uh. Ok. 

-x-x-x- 

I recently have come to realized how young I made him. Like, what?? I'm. 

So, Fierdan is 19. Like, that's the age I decided to give him. Like, that's how old he supposedly is in his current form. 

*pop up appears with an evolution chart of fierdan forms* 

..... anyway! 

Lmao. That's so young actually. Come to think of it, that's like young. He's like a boy. Wtf. 

Tf?! Watch me continue writing legit story stuff when I'm 19. And I thought 19 was old. Omg pls save my soul. 

I can't relate to my twink and puke characters because I'm older than them now somehow. I'm no longer 17. I'm 18. Am I more like Fierdan now?! Help-

Fierdan, a character whose age should either be in his mid-20s or in his 100s. But no. Story one present time Fierdan is 19. 

"what's up, i'm fierdan, i'm 19, and i never learned how to cope." 

I haven't been thinking of any of my other characters. I left them. Heck. 

I hope they're okay. What are they doing? I didn't write a skit since July. 

Wait. Are Twinkle, Duke, Finny, Sparkle, and Brock in college now in the skit universe? Last year they were high school seniors. Are they in college? Where are they? Are they still together? Are they separated? What's the truth? Heck! 

I lowkey want to make a skit where Ryen criticizes Fierdan for not doing anything with his life. Like, there's the other characters I just listed at college(s). The younger ones are struggling through high school. Ryen graduated school/college and has a job but I never talked about that before lol. And then there's Fierdan. And he's just. In pjs all day, roams around the house, is a mess, etc. 

Oh right, that skit idea. So Ryen forces lazy boy Fierdan to apply to jobs and colleges. And yeah. Sure. Ok. Yeah. 

I started comforting myself by thinking of soft Fierdan moments. Like.. yes. 

• the Awkward Fierdan 

• the Breaking Down Your Gender Roles Fierdan

• the Adrogynous Look(s) Fierdan 

• the Little Kid So Pure So Sweet Fierdan 

• the Talking Casually To Night Crow Fierdan

• the Blushing Fierdan 

• the Sipping Tea/Coffee/Hot Chocolate Fierdan 

• the Being Nerdy Fierdan 

• the Being A Goof Fierdan 

• the Soft Casual Voice Fierdan

• the Getting Out Of Those Filthy Black Clothes Fierdan 

• the Bi Mess Fierdan (because he's, he's bi like I said since forever apparently like uhh I can't see him as being straight like a straight thing ok-)

Lmao oops, I almost started to forget he's like an edgy killer character. I just have so many more soft/good Fierdan moments as opposed to basically what's in canon (he's a total bitch in what I have out in canon so far, I hate him). Asdfghjkl-

I don't know why I haven't been thinking of Duke at all recently. What the heck is going on with me? Ahh! 

Fierdan, wow, I love him. This hecking boy. What a guy. Hhhhh. 

Ok lol bye. 

Fierdan in that skit (7/25)

So, I decided to doodle Fierdan in that skit where he's hecked up. 

(this one, to be more specific: http://shyrahwritingspace.blogspot.com/2018/07/haven-made-skit-in-so-long.html) 

At first, I accidentally drew him like a little kid but then I redrew his eyes. 

Left: Fierdan holding a cup of black coffee 

Top Right: Fierdan throwing up after drinking salty af black coffee.. in the trash 

Bottom Right: Fierdan pouring way too much salt into a single cup of black coffee (but where are his hands?)

Uh yeah. 

... ok I give up. 

honestly tho

Sorry, it's because I'm indecisive. Ha, ha. 

I've been thinking. My mood or whatever changes pretty dramatically from post to post. 

My mind can't decide whether life is good or whether I should go kill myself. It depends on the day. 

And sometimes it's both. (Just kidding, every day is both. It's great. Really great.) 

Anyway yes hi, I'm an idiot in literally every way. So.. that's something. I guess. 

Ugh, I feel manipulative whenever I make unhappy posts. But. I really can't stand this. I can't stand being me. I hate just about everything about me. 

Yeah, it's very great. 

Life sucks and I hate myself more than ever. Bye. 

cats and self care

I actually wasn't nearly as busy yesterday than on Monday. I spent the whole morning (well, ever since I woke up lol) working on my assignment due that afternoon. But the class wasn't that bad. I like that class (so far lol). Yeah. 

I go into the city tomorrow. First class trip. Exciting! :D 

It's gonna be a long day... ^-^" 

-------------------

After my last class today, I saw these two cats standing nearby. Then they ran toward the bushes on the nearest plot of non-pavement, and they hid under those. 

I took a picture on Snapchat, but there's only one cat in the picture. There were two cats there though. The other one was hiding better, pfft. 

I got so excited when I saw them. Omg I love cats so much! 

Ahh, it's a kitty cat! (i love u) 

Then as I was in the student center planning on going right back to my dorm to take a nap (I'm still so tired, ugh why the heck) there were these tables with a theme of self care and.. yeah, stuff like that. 

I got these things. I edited the pic so the college name doesn't show. Ok yeah lol. 

#Self-Care 

I think the little bag full of items with the message is so sweet and cute. 

Aww~ ;w; 

The bag there has those items in it. Ahh, just look at it! It's so nice! 

There was another table there with people handing out things about the student health and counseling center, and some things about suicide prevention and the like. 

So yeah. 

#Mental-Health 

Is this enough proof that I'm really in college now? It says "college students" on it. 

(lol me *cough cough*) 

oh worms

So.. Monday, huh. Might as well had killed me. 

I had my first lab. Doing an experiment on earthworms. 

Them worms sure do wiggle a lot. 

They be like, "oh worm!" 

Right after all my classes today, I worked on my assignments (like that thing called homework). I worked for 5-6 hours since then, only stopping for a few minutes in between. 

I am tired. Today was tiring. Mondays are probably going to seem like the longest weekday for me from now on. 

And I'm still not done with an assignment I have due tomorrow. I'm way too tired to deal with it all right now. Besides, I don't have anything to do until the afternoon anyways. 

At least one of my classes today (not the lab, lmao) wasn't as stressful as I thought it would be today. Thank goodness. 

Sitting at a desk for a few hours straight hurts. Desk chairs aren't comfortable at all. 

Ok yeah bye.

new post because i want to swear

I can't think of a better post title. I'm gonna swear here, so uh yeah. Ok. 

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Tomorrow's Monday. Well, fuck. 

How is the weekend already nearly over? That was so short. 

Anyway yes hi, I still feel like shit. 

God, this loneliness is killing me. I'm so cold and empty. I miss affection and attention. 

I've just got myself. No one else can be there for me. Damn. 

I'm starting to miss my family's annoying remarks. I miss how they checked on me all the time. 

Fuck.. 

I'm going to see the Statue of Liberty soon. Never went before. I guess I'm a little excited about it. 

I'm sick of this loneliness. I hang out with people for a few hours, but I still feel lonely. It hurts having no one there who actually cares about me. 

I'm still hesitant on trusting any new potential friends. Are we even friends? I don't know. 

It's never dark enough in the dorm room at night. My bed is by the window, and the streetlights are always on when it's dark outside. The hallway light never gets turned off either. Other people go back to their dorms very late. Obviously, since this is college. 

The blinds on the windows don't block out all the light. I notice it every time I open my eyes. And no, I can't add curtains to the windows. It's not allowed. 

Shit.. 

I had a dream this morning. It was the first dream that gave me distress in a while. I didn't need that fucking shit. 

My house was going to explode. There was a time bomb. I tried to save everything in time, so I wouldn't lose it forever due to the explosion. I tried not to lose everything. In the last few hours and minutes, I tried saving my favorite stuffed animals. I couldn't save all of them. It made me sad. :( 

Let me guess. It symbolizes how I don't want to lose my past back at home. And for now, I'm away from it all. Wow, I feel so alone that I feel like I'm barely living. 

My heart hurts. Ouch. </3 

.....................................

This is the first year I'm not celebrating the High Holy Days with my family. I found other people though. 

Wow, this must be the first time in my life I truly am all alone. Everyone has someone else, and I doubt I do. 

It fucking hurts so much omg. 

///////////////////

I'm so scared of what's going to happen to me. 

I don't want it, I don't want it, I don't want it. 

Fuck. What if I don't find any effective coping skills when life really does go to shit? 

I'm lonely and alone. I isolate myself too. But when I go out, I just feel even more alone and shitty. 

At least I don't feel all alone while in my classes. But when those are over, the loneliness creeps in again. 

And not only at night either. All the damn time. 

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

In April, I wanted to write a poem about drugs, alcohol, and addiction. 

I never wrote that poem. 

Ah, screw it. I'll tell you. 

If I did write it, it was going to relate to me just like all my other poems. 

How? Well, uh.. 

There's obviously not any logic here, but uh.. 

At one point, I became so, so scared that I would lose all my coping skills and reasons to live, especially the little ones.

I know it's illogical. It's an irrational thought. But that April thought is coming back, and I feel like I should write it down. Maybe it'll help. I don't know. 

The rates are higher for people who isolate themselves and who are very lonely. And, well, I'm afraid I'm already there. Even when I communicate with other people here, I feel disconnected. 

That shitty mood of feeling disconnected is back.

Everything hurts a lot. I kinda want to cry in my sleep.

Eww, I sound edgy in my posts. Fucking hell.  

If you didn't make any guesses already, that irrational thought was that I would start "coping" with my feelings and shit with alcohol and then other drugs. And then the thought would end with me becoming an addict. 

Haha, what a stupid thought! 

I'm terrified that becoming an addict is one potential (don't get me wrong, bad of course) reality. That it could be a possibility in the first place. 

I'm so fucking scared. 

I want those thoughts to stop. I don't want to become that. 

But what if I do? But how? I don't know, I don't know!

I don't remember how the thoughts first came to mind. Probably when I first thought I couldn't cope with life. Heh. 

 

By addict, I mean drug addict. Substance abuser. Yeah.. 

Where did my common sense go? Shit.. 

Another lovely (<< that was sarcastic) thought I got was that I would start the alcohol/drugs not even for pleasure but for self harm. 

Talk about truly ruining my body. Thanks a lot, brain! :-D

Is any of this even close to being likely? No. 

At least that's what I think as of now.

(Umm ok, Cutepups...)

Ok, hahaha, I'm gonna go now...... 

Bye. 

AJ's new bday cake

I went on Animal Jam to get the new 8th birthday cake. 

1.

I also put the 6th birthday cake in my den. I wasn't online to get the 7th last year. 

2.

It looks.. American patriotic. 

3.

Clicked the desk to let Precious pick up a magazine. Clicked the 6th birthday cake. I stopped clicking all over the 8th birthday cake after this point. There are probably more cake layers. Oh well. 

-x-x-x-

I just found that "Suicidal Thoughts" song last night. I, haha, like it. Damn. I feel. 

I'll make another post now. 

Bye.

music feels .-. (+ rant)

Wow, I did nothing today. Wow, I slept the day away. Wow. 

I feel very disgusting, annoying, lonely, and like a total burden! Again! : )

So since I'm listening to sad/lonely-like songs, I'm just gonna post those here. 

I feel awful and I want to, that's why. 

I don't own anything from them, obviously. 

Why did I say that? 

I'm desperate to not be so lonely/alone. Music sure can be relatable. 

People are at parties. Ehh, I'm not a party person. Which shouldn't be a shocker if you know me at all. My sister wants me to go to one though. Lmao yeah right. 

Being easily prone to a whole lot of anxiety/social anxiety and depression symptoms while being at college is.. it's not good lmao. 

Like god ok, I feel like I literally have to put on a Fake TM face every time I go out. It sucks. I hate this shit. 

I've been trying. I'm fucking trying. And for what? Nothing. Jack shit. 

Being extremely introverted while at college isn't a good mix. Like ok, how the hell do introverts thrive in college? Everyone else around me is so extroverted, and goddamnit, I hate how easily tired I get while around people. And on top of that, I feel like I have to be Fake around everyone because of course I don't want strangers to actually know the real piece of shit person I am. 

It fucking sucks! And I also have to be the one who asks to exchange phone numbers and who has to be the one to initiate plans. That's not the kind of person I am! Why do I have to try so fucking hard to try and make friends? I was never good at doing that, so how can I be good at it now? I'm not! 

And I know some people are annoyed at me. Like idk, "oh, it's her again *sighs, rolls eyes*" like ok lol don't think I didn't see that. And what I do say is so stupid and annoying, and I'm probably a burden on everyone in my life. 

I don't know how my siblings (especially my brother) fell in love with being in college immediately. I really don't get it. Heh, must be weird that if I could go back home, I would go in an instant. 

I'm not really that close with anyone here. I tried to, but I realized I'm being Fake and everyone else is also being Fake. Because we're all strangers. Of course we're all Fakes! That's what that college life is like! 

Oh, you're supposed to be close to your roommate? Well, that's not how it's going for me. She's not even here this weekend, so when I say I've been alone the majority of today, I mean it. I don't even have the energy to go out because I'm sick and tired of just walking around by myself since everyone else I'm in contact with is apparently busy. 

About roommates, we don't even really know how to talk to each other. That's how bad it is! I'm so fucking lonely, oh my god! 

"Oh stop it, Cutepups. You have their phone numbers. Just text them first." 

Ok yeah sure. Of course. Why didn't I think of that? 

Well, I did and still do. But it's hard to want to actually send that first text to hang out or whatever the hell friends do when I am so caught up in believing I'm an annoying burden who is full of insecurities and self-doubt. 

Why do I have to be the one to ask to hang out? Why do I have to be the one to do it for everyone? It just makes me believe I really am a burden and that they don't really want me around. 

It's like walking on a tightrope, to be honest. About honesty, it's like I can't ever be honest here. Gotta pretend. 

......... ........ ........... ......... 

To make up for the garbage I just made you read, have the following to listen to.

<|3 •~•~•~•~• <|3 

This Is Home~ Cavetown

Talk To Me~ Cavetown 

Drown (Live from Maida Vale)~ Bring Me The Horizon 

Suicidal Thoughts~ Jake Hill & Josh A 

I'm Sorry, I'm Trying~ Nothing, Nowhere 

well .. ok

Well, turns out I forced myself to be busy after I finished the last post. 

I did stuff last night. 

Hi, I'm tired. 

(I never partied lmao not a shocker.)

Hi, I'm lonely again. 

Yeah bye. 

Checked AJ (but shorter time)

So on Fridays, I only have two, fifty-ish minute classes. I start class way later than in high school, and I also end way earlier. Just for Fridays though. 

After my classes, I went to the school bookstore and picked up the textbook I ordered not from the bookstore. And I also bought some little things. 

Skip forward a little bit, and I'm on my Mac to check AJ. (I was temporarily bored lol) 

I wanted to see the JUNO code gift. 

And so, I did! :) 

I forgot that the left tab I had open shows the college name, so I crossed it out with my fabulous photo editing skills. Yuzu is a digital textbook website I didn't close for some reason, even though I didn't need to use it yet. The "X's" are from my dry erase calendar board thing I mentioned. It won't stay up. I bought more Command strips today though. On the bottom are some things I downloaded, one being MS Word. But anyway yeah, that's the Juno statue. Got that now. Nice. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh shit oops. Parent email? Oh, you're Funny, AJHQ! XD 


Oh yeah, I have two dragon creatures in my den. I forgot I have an orange one. 

And here's the Juno statue in my den. Cool. 

I tried to be funny. I didn't know who the two people in my den were. "I am confusion"- I love that Vine. 

(What's up with the purple circle with a gift box? Huh?!) Well, I found out one of the people in my den knows me from my Blog TM (aka this mess of a place,, hi dude I talked to on AJ!) I started giggling when I found out someone on AJ knows me from here. It made me so happy. (Just imagine me giggling alone at my computer screen in my dorm room.) 

It's funny out of context, I'm sorry AJ blog fan lol. I was talking about how AJ wants my parent email for something. Or they sent an email to my parent's email. I don't even know. Like, huh?? My parents have to activate my account?? I'm deactivated?? But I'm online?? ??????????????

I had to leave so soon because I had to leave for a student success advising appointment. I met my advisor. It was nice. 

Well, I'm done with that now. 

And now I'm typing this when I'm not in my dorm room while eating fries and drinking Snapple. 

Mm,,, slurp. Take a sip, babe. 

Also, unlike in high school, it's easier to know what classes I have on which days. There's no "A week" or "B week." Monday classes are always on Mondays, Tuesday classes are always on Tuesdays, etc., etc. 

Overall, people I've talked to have been a lot nicer compared to people in high school. It's kinda easier to make friends and talk to people. Which is, wow, nice.

I've initiated some conversations. Though I'm afraid it makes me seem annoying. I hope I'm not.. 

I asked for people's phone numbers. I did. I asked. Me. I did that. Now I'm not alone in any of my classes. 

Oh and in three of my classes, I have the same people in them. Because it's a cluster for those three classes. So I've made friends with most of them. 

It's only eight other people. The classes are tiny. 

They're so nice. Especially the three or four I talked with between or after classes. 

(I was so naive when I made that vent post lmao. Everyone feels more lonely at college. It's totally different than anything before in life. It's like.. a fresh start. Having to meet new people who don't know you from high school or before- well, for the vast majority lol. Also, my particular college has a ton of resources about a ton of different things. Help, support.. stuff like that. Academically, socially, and whatever else there is. So hey, maybe I won't have the chance to die for real.) 

I'll possibly post yet again today. Maybe. 

oh heck yeah it's friday!

Yeah cool, it's Friday. I lasted a week of college then. 

Not coursework though. (ahahahaaa.....,,;;.)

Ok but anyway, I have to make this quick. (lol sure ok)

When I was laying in my dorm bed last night, I was thinking. Thinking what exactly? Well, thinking that you guys are lowkey expecting a college dorm tour. Of my.. stuff and.. things. My stuff and things. My own. Wow huh. 

Lmao that ain't gonna happen! (sorry sweaties :'c) 

My room got no aesthetic quality whatsoever. It's terrible. 

I had to do everything myself except make my bed, and I'm a lazy fool. 

I hung up this dry-erase calendar board I got, but it won't stay on the wall thing in the desk. Like, it keeps falling. I put the sticky things it came with on it, but it ain't sticking. Damn it! 

And I also got a poster from the Escher Exhibit I posted about. Got the Day and Night one. It looks so cool. 

So anyway, I tried hanging that up on the wall by my bed. To cut to the chase, it won't fckin' stay up either. The top half keeps falling, which makes it cover the majority of the poster except for the bottom. The bottom of the poster is the only part that's actually staying up. 

Ugh, I need more Command strips! :( 

I got an appointment with one of my advisors today. Wow, my email I also sent to the guy was worded so badly. How do people just, you know, send emails? Like.. how? 

I have a class at 10:10. I gotta leave soon lol. 

It's nice having classes at totally different times than in high school. It's nice being able to finally get some sleep. My earliest class is at 10 in the morning. On the other days, my earliest class is at 12:45. 

Like damn son. Last year, I was forced to wake up between 6 (or earlier but tbh that never lasted) and 6:50 to make it to school on time. Like, classes started at 7:20-something in the hecking morning. 

And now, my earliest class is at either 10-something in the morning or 12-something in the afternoon. It's great. 

And my classes now don't end super late in the day. 5:30 at the latest. And so far, my class that ends at that time never actually ended that late. 

And of course, I'm not trapped in a single building for around 7 or 8 hours a day like in high school. It's a great feeling. Not being stuck in school all day long. :) 

But it's probably gonna suck when I have to walk to the different academic buildings for my classes on a very rainy day. And then when winter comes. And there's snow. That's gonna be awful lol. But for now, things are nice. 

I'll be back later. Bye now! 

~ Cutepups 

oh uh other points

Because I forgot to mention them. 

I said "class" in my second Tuesday post because the same people in my first class are in my second class. Same students, I mean. Duh. 

That's one point. The other point is this. 

I haven't been thinking about my story/skit characters ever since I came to college. Maybe even a little before then too. 

That is until last night (so that would be Wednesday..?) when I was thinking about how I didn't make a skit in a while. 

I'm starting to miss my skits again. I have no skit ideas though. 

Every time I try and come up with a new skit idea, my brain goes to Fierdan. 

Wow, Fierdan, huh. This boy. This man. This freaking character. Whom I love. 

Even though I don't like how I wrote him in any story scenes I have published as posts on here. So far. (ok pls chill, cpups..) 

Wow, I miss my characters. I wasn't spending all my time daydreaming about them. What a shame. :-( 

Ugh, what the--

I have so many things I want to post, and the pile just keeps on getting bigger. 

Oh heck me. 

Fierdan. (hhhhfrghfrfghrh) 

Yeah. <3 

ok so uh yeah

Hi, it's me. As always. :] 

I had the rest of my classes today. Except one. But it goes with the last one I had today. Uh yeah. 

Hmm, what to say.........

Oh!

I have many old ass post ideas I still gotta, well, post. I should do that. 

(It's been two months, Cutepups...) 

Oh yeah, that too. Hope it doesn't bother anyone too much that when I want to type a swear, I just do. 

Alrighty! 

I'll be back. Soon. 

Byeeeeee-- *cough cough ahem ahem* Bye. 

9/4/18 :)

Oh shoot, it's almost midnight. 

Hi, just here to tell you guys that today was better. It was.. pretty good, I'd say. 

It was just that I ended the day yesterday on such a shitty note and didn't know how to handle some problems. 

One being that I had an assignment to write a paper (1-2 pages) for my first class today. 

I spent a few hours on it and wasn't sure if I was interpreting the meaning of the quote I chose to use (out of 50-something lol) correctly. 

And ok, I was so done with my awful writing when I went to the site I have to use to print things at my college. But it wouldn't let me print it. 

And so, that ended my day on a bad note. :| 

I went into a tech office place this morning and learned that Pages (the app I wrote my paper on) doesn't work with the printers. So I got help downloading Microsoft Office, and now I'm able to print papers and stuff. (yay!) 

And the papers weren't collected in class today. So.. nice? idk. 

I'm taking two classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Both are very small in size. 

Hmm, not sure how I'll feel about that a week from now when the coursework starts building up. (ah heh..) 

Well, it was easy to get to know the other students in my class. I possibly made friends with two of them. (hehe :3) 

My first class starts earlier in the day for tomorrow (and Mondays and Fridays). I'm taking more than two classes on those days too. Of course. 

Anyway, I didn't spend all day alone by myself, and everyone I talked to has been nice and helpful to me. So I'm good now. Don't worry, haha, I get so dramatic when I'm stressed and upset. 

I'm scared for my Mondays though. Ok so here's the thing. I'm scheduled to have a class five minutes after another one. And they're in two separate buildings. Around a half mile away from each other. And I'm not sure if I can take that class at a different time because I can't just switch my entire schedule. So.. quite a problem I got there, huh. 

Ok so yeah, there you go. Me explaining things better. Cutepups college life of heck. 

Wish me luck (in general lol)! <3 

and now i can only cry silently

Because I'm on the verge of sobbing but I got a roommate. 

September: Suicide Prevention Month 

Oops, I failed on my part. Oh hey, it's September. And guess what? I really want to die again and no longer want to continue living! (y a y) 

In around 12 hours, I have my first college class. 

I predict I am going to Die before the end of this month. Them suicidal thoughts are back, baby! Oh boy, do I want this life hell to end! XD 

I woke up in pain from being so nervous. Is it gonna happen again? Can I stay asleep this time? I'm not sure! 

I can't take it. I can't take any of this. I think I'm going crazy. Something's wrong, something's wrong, something is very wrong. 

I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to this point in life. Me, thriving in college? Hahahahaha no. 

I knew I wasn't meant to live this long. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. 

And I was right yet again. I can't handle anything! I really can't. 

Ever since move-in day on Thursday, I've been the most lonely I've ever been in my life. It hurts so much. I'd rather die than have to deal with this every day for the next several months. 

No one here cares. People only are interested in talking to me for one day at most and that's it. I walk places by myself, I eat meals by myself, I go to the required events by myself, and it fucking hurts. I have no support and coping skills that I used back at home. I have no one. 

I don't have Thelma or Sunshine here. I don't have them here to prevent me from doing some stupid impulse. I don't have anything, or anyone, that's there to comfort me and make me think, "hey maybe i shouldn't kill myself" and no one here would actually give an honest damn if I do try to. 

I'm just so lonely. I like being alone, but not like this. Anything would be better than feeling like this. Than seeing thousands of other students hanging out in large groups every time I step out of my dorm room. Than seeing everyone else already has a group of friends. 

I'm like the only one who doesn't have that and does everything alone. And it hurts. I hate being all by myself 24/7. I open up to people, then they just leave. No one ever wants to stay with me. 

Thinking of my class schedule makes me want to cry. I'm not going into details now to remind me again of how much I want to end my miserable life. 

Why am I typing this? I have to let out my bottled feelings. If not, I'm going to combust. And explode. And die. 

I need to write down this pathetic shit. 

And I've got no one to talk to.

The only good thing is that some people were kind to me. Saying something like, "Have a good night," and helping with directions and asking how my day is going. Kindness means a lot. Especially when I'm already at such a low point. It lifts me out of rock bottom just a little bit. 

But I am bitter that after I told someone I felt ignored by everyone I previously talked to at college, I was told that they're all busy and have better things to do than text me/text me back or hang out with me so I won't be alone literally all day and all night. (ha, ha) 

I'm a fucking wreck. At least it's not a Monday. That day is going to actually kill me. 

Thoughts fuck journal shit- done! 

Bye. x 

September !!

It's now September! (ah ha haha ha ha ahhhhh) 

So, today's Sunday. I moved in on Thursday. So what does that make it- three days? 

F a n t a s t i c ! : ) 

Well anyway, I just made this post to say I finally replied to comments. Yay. 

Oh and also to say I'm going to make posts that I should've made a long time ago, well, now. 

(It's about time, Cutepups! The clock is ticking. Tick, tock!) 

.... I'm an idiot. A baby, if you will. 

*thinks of kicking my dresser but doesn't* 

C o l l e g e ! F u n ! : D 

(omgjustkiddingI'mterriblylonelyandlackingaffectionfromThema) 

.... it's a surprise that I haven't died yet. That's surprising. 

Classes start on Tuesday. I'm guessing it goes all down from there! ;D 

(IhatethisIhatethisIhatethis)