new post because i want to swear

I can't think of a better post title. I'm gonna swear here, so uh yeah. Ok. 

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Tomorrow's Monday. Well, fuck. 

How is the weekend already nearly over? That was so short. 

Anyway yes hi, I still feel like shit. 

God, this loneliness is killing me. I'm so cold and empty. I miss affection and attention. 

I've just got myself. No one else can be there for me. Damn. 

I'm starting to miss my family's annoying remarks. I miss how they checked on me all the time. 

Fuck.. 

I'm going to see the Statue of Liberty soon. Never went before. I guess I'm a little excited about it. 

I'm sick of this loneliness. I hang out with people for a few hours, but I still feel lonely. It hurts having no one there who actually cares about me. 

I'm still hesitant on trusting any new potential friends. Are we even friends? I don't know. 

It's never dark enough in the dorm room at night. My bed is by the window, and the streetlights are always on when it's dark outside. The hallway light never gets turned off either. Other people go back to their dorms very late. Obviously, since this is college. 

The blinds on the windows don't block out all the light. I notice it every time I open my eyes. And no, I can't add curtains to the windows. It's not allowed. 

Shit.. 

I had a dream this morning. It was the first dream that gave me distress in a while. I didn't need that fucking shit. 

My house was going to explode. There was a time bomb. I tried to save everything in time, so I wouldn't lose it forever due to the explosion. I tried not to lose everything. In the last few hours and minutes, I tried saving my favorite stuffed animals. I couldn't save all of them. It made me sad. :( 

Let me guess. It symbolizes how I don't want to lose my past back at home. And for now, I'm away from it all. Wow, I feel so alone that I feel like I'm barely living. 

My heart hurts. Ouch. </3 

.....................................

This is the first year I'm not celebrating the High Holy Days with my family. I found other people though. 

Wow, this must be the first time in my life I truly am all alone. Everyone has someone else, and I doubt I do. 

It fucking hurts so much omg. 

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I'm so scared of what's going to happen to me. 

I don't want it, I don't want it, I don't want it. 

Fuck. What if I don't find any effective coping skills when life really does go to shit? 

I'm lonely and alone. I isolate myself too. But when I go out, I just feel even more alone and shitty. 

At least I don't feel all alone while in my classes. But when those are over, the loneliness creeps in again. 

And not only at night either. All the damn time. 

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In April, I wanted to write a poem about drugs, alcohol, and addiction. 

I never wrote that poem. 

Ah, screw it. I'll tell you. 

If I did write it, it was going to relate to me just like all my other poems. 

How? Well, uh.. 

There's obviously not any logic here, but uh.. 

At one point, I became so, so scared that I would lose all my coping skills and reasons to live, especially the little ones.

I know it's illogical. It's an irrational thought. But that April thought is coming back, and I feel like I should write it down. Maybe it'll help. I don't know. 

The rates are higher for people who isolate themselves and who are very lonely. And, well, I'm afraid I'm already there. Even when I communicate with other people here, I feel disconnected. 

That shitty mood of feeling disconnected is back.

Everything hurts a lot. I kinda want to cry in my sleep.

Eww, I sound edgy in my posts. Fucking hell.  

If you didn't make any guesses already, that irrational thought was that I would start "coping" with my feelings and shit with alcohol and then other drugs. And then the thought would end with me becoming an addict. 

Haha, what a stupid thought! 

I'm terrified that becoming an addict is one potential (don't get me wrong, bad of course) reality. That it could be a possibility in the first place. 

I'm so fucking scared. 

I want those thoughts to stop. I don't want to become that. 

But what if I do? But how? I don't know, I don't know!

I don't remember how the thoughts first came to mind. Probably when I first thought I couldn't cope with life. Heh. 

 

By addict, I mean drug addict. Substance abuser. Yeah.. 

Where did my common sense go? Shit.. 

Another lovely (<< that was sarcastic) thought I got was that I would start the alcohol/drugs not even for pleasure but for self harm. 

Talk about truly ruining my body. Thanks a lot, brain! :-D

Is any of this even close to being likely? No. 

At least that's what I think as of now.

(Umm ok, Cutepups...)

Ok, hahaha, I'm gonna go now...... 

Bye.