September: Suicide Prevention Month
Oops, I failed on my part. Oh hey, it's September. And guess what? I really want to die again and no longer want to continue living! (y a y)
In around 12 hours, I have my first college class.
I predict I am going to Die before the end of this month. Them suicidal thoughts are back, baby! Oh boy, do I want this life hell to end! XD
I woke up in pain from being so nervous. Is it gonna happen again? Can I stay asleep this time? I'm not sure!
I can't take it. I can't take any of this. I think I'm going crazy. Something's wrong, something's wrong, something is very wrong.
I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to this point in life. Me, thriving in college? Hahahahaha no.
I knew I wasn't meant to live this long. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it.
And I was right yet again. I can't handle anything! I really can't.
Ever since move-in day on Thursday, I've been the most lonely I've ever been in my life. It hurts so much. I'd rather die than have to deal with this every day for the next several months.
No one here cares. People only are interested in talking to me for one day at most and that's it. I walk places by myself, I eat meals by myself, I go to the required events by myself, and it fucking hurts. I have no support and coping skills that I used back at home. I have no one.
I don't have Thelma or Sunshine here. I don't have them here to prevent me from doing some stupid impulse. I don't have anything, or anyone, that's there to comfort me and make me think, "hey maybe i shouldn't kill myself" and no one here would actually give an honest damn if I do try to.
I'm just so lonely. I like being alone, but not like this. Anything would be better than feeling like this. Than seeing thousands of other students hanging out in large groups every time I step out of my dorm room. Than seeing everyone else already has a group of friends.
I'm like the only one who doesn't have that and does everything alone. And it hurts. I hate being all by myself 24/7. I open up to people, then they just leave. No one ever wants to stay with me.
Thinking of my class schedule makes me want to cry. I'm not going into details now to remind me again of how much I want to end my miserable life.
Why am I typing this? I have to let out my bottled feelings. If not, I'm going to combust. And explode. And die.
I need to write down this pathetic shit.
And I've got no one to talk to.
The only good thing is that some people were kind to me. Saying something like, "Have a good night," and helping with directions and asking how my day is going. Kindness means a lot. Especially when I'm already at such a low point. It lifts me out of rock bottom just a little bit.
But I am bitter that after I told someone I felt ignored by everyone I previously talked to at college, I was told that they're all busy and have better things to do than text me/text me back or hang out with me so I won't be alone literally all day and all night. (ha, ha)
I'm a fucking wreck. At least it's not a Monday. That day is going to actually kill me.
Thoughts fuck journal shit- done!
Bye. x
Ah, I'm never good at really saying things when I see a post or journal like this, but please do bear in mind that I'm always open to you talking to me. I know it's always a hard way to communicate with each other on blogs or dA, but you can also reach me on Insta or FB, if that helps.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is hard to make friends, but it's because they already have their own cliques, so that sucks. Sometimes you make friends late, or not at all, and that's fine, because maybe it's just not meant to be, but sometimes trying is needed, if you don't try you'll never know. Sometimes people are hard to approach because of factors- us and them, so unless they really ask you to quit it, don't stop interacting with people. I've made my friends in the weirdest ways, from complete silence to one sudden sentence that made us have the same classes the entire semester. We go together to different classes, but we don't sit together pfft.
I hope you're doing well. It's hard to adapt to start with, so the jump to college might be very difficult for you, but you can do it, just don't give up. You can contact a suicide prevention line as well if you feel like you need help from someone who is better at the area, I'm pretty sure you can find those numbers on the internet. I believe there are texting ones too for those who have anxiety on the phone.