This is the writing piece in Duke's POV that I was referring to in my previous post.
I'm trying something a little different for the format, so it might look awkward.
This might very well ruin me by making me emotional again. That doesn't necessarily mean it'll get the same reaction out of you. I'm the only one who fully gets it since I'm the writer after all.
And, well, some of the mentioned stuff hasn't been formally written in the chapters. I don't really view the stuff as spoilers, but since it hasn't been written about yet, I guess they technically are..?
Yeah, I really don't know. Sorry about that.
Warning: mentions abuse
Wow, how delightful! What a happy, stupid, lighthearted Duke poem! Haha, he's such a fool, right?! XD (//sarcasm)
Story universe Duke is literally my tragedy boy. So.. there's pain. Yes.. heck.
Well haha, hope you enjoy! <3 ;;
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mother,
Lately, I've been wondering.
Wondering and pondering,
Sinking and thinking
About the two of us.
You were one cause of
There being
Holes
In my
Memories.
You
Fractured
Me.
You
Ruined
Me.
It's all your fault.
All
Your
Fault.
Is this what you call
Protecting?
Protecting me?
Keeping me safe?
Is this how you show
Love?
Fierdan told me everything.
He patched up the
Holes
Because I was too
Young
To have
Remembered
It all
On my own.
If things have turned out
Differently
I would like to know
If you would define the words
Protection,
Safety,
Love
Differently?
Because the truth is
I can't understand.
I don't understand.
I will never understand
How you can
Twist those words
Into fitting your
Definitions.
What you did wasn't
Protection,
Safety,
Or love.
It was hate.
And I know
Hate
That it is a strong word.
But I don't know how else
I could describe your actions.
If you never
Hated me,
If you never
Hated him,
Things would have been different.
But your actions came from a place of
Pure hatred.
So I want to know.
I want to know the
Truth.
But that's hard for you to process
Since all you really know is how to
Lie.
If Fierdan hadn't come
To visit you
When you were pregnant with me,
And if he then hadn't
Done the things that he'd done,
Would you still
Harm the child
I would've been?
Because then I wouldn't be the vessel
That I know I am.
Because I know that if
You didn't allow that
Small and lifeless part of
Soulless permanently connected to Fierdan,
As if it's a fusion of them
Forever connected and forever together,
To come to life
By turning me into its vessel
Then I wouldn't be connected to and seen as a
New Fierdan
Called the
D.U.K.E. Fierdan.
The Duke Fierdan.
If Fierdan hadn't interfered, would you have still been that terrible excuse of a mother towards me?
Would you still be known as the mother who
Abuses her own kid?
Or would you have been a mother who would
Never even consider hurting her own kid?
If Fierdan isn't deeply connected to my identity,
If Fierdan isn't who I am,
How would I look?
Fierdan caused me to have that
Phantom flame on my heart.
How would I look without it?
I'm curious since everything revolves around it.
You were also young for a mother.
If your circumstances were
Different,
Then would you have more rationality
And less impulsivity?
If you had more life experiences,
Would you have realized that
Hating your child is
Wrong?
You had always hated Fierdan.
You hated fire.
I've learned that you
Hated everything about
My existence
Ever since the moment I was born.
You knew
You knew all along
That my name had to be Duke.
That's what Fierdan called the name of the
Fusion of Soulless and Fierdan.
D.U.K.E.
The name is Duke.
But you ended up refusing to give me a name when
Eternal asked you what my name would be.
So instead of calling me Duke,
You called me words that are the equivalent to
Trash,
Poop,
And most of all
Vomit.
You knew my name.
You knew who I was.
Yet you refused to acknowledge that
All because you despised Fierdan
For what he did to you
And for what he did to me
Before I was even born.
Back then I didn't know.
How was I supposed to know
If you never actually told me anything?
If you never bothered to have an actual conversation with me?
How the hell was I supposed to know
That you never hated me,
But that you hated Fierdan
For what he did to us
By cursing my existence
Due to slowly turning me into him?
You hate fire.
You fear fire.
I learned that you tried to force the fire out of me
By attempting to
Freeze and crush
The fire out of me.
But did that work?
Did the physical abuse get rid of the fire?
Did the verbal abuse make me stop being the vessel?
No.
The answer is no.
Your actions didn't change a single thing.
Except how I perceive you as the worst person I know.
The only deep scars you gave me were
Emotional ones.
You made me view the act of
Turning those emotional scars
Into physical scars
As a way to cope.
As if damaging my own body
Was acceptable
And okay.
Freezing my body,
Hitting my body,
Crushing my body,
Is that how you imagine
Fixing me?
Is that how you tried to
Fix me?
Fix me.
I guess that means I always had been
Flawed and broken
In your eyes
Since you always tried your unique ways of
Fixing me by harsh force
All because Fierdan is me.
Admit it.
You did it all because you saw me as being
The equivalent to Fierdan.
You saw him as a villain
And so you also saw me as a villain.
You freezed my body because you saw me as
Fire instead of another living person.
But here's the thing
I'm different from Fierdan.
And I'm not a fire in the shape of a person.
The thing is
I'm still your son.
But you had to refuse from accepting that fact.
Haha, you're nothing more than a freaking joke.
Fierdan isn't the villain.
Soulless is.
You killed Eternal to protect me.
You call that love, but you made another person who I thought loved me end up leaving me.
You say you hated me because you hated Fierdan.
Then why did you go to his side by killing Eternal in order to save his creation?
In order to save me?
Is this all a freaking joke to you?
Am I a joke to you?
Because all your flawed logic is hilarious.
Physical abuse
How you did that was
Nothing more than a joke.
First things first,
I found out that I was born during a snowstorm.
Even though it was still snowing heavily,
You picked up snow from the ground
And covered me with it
When Eternal wasn't looking.
That was the day I was born.
Snow didn't freeze the fire from developing.
Fire is my life.
You didn't kill me.
Then again.
I can't be killed.
I'm like an immortal that can die.
How ironic.
Just because I can die,
It doesn't make me an ordinary mortal.
I can only die in one specific way.
I tried other times.
I couldn't die.
He couldn't kill me.
I really shouldn't be alive
Yet here I am.
Still breathing
Still living
Still alive.
Skip a few months and I learned that you
Pressed an ice pack
Directly onto my skin.
You wouldn't let go.
You kept this going for hours.
You must have took pride in
Holding down a defenseless baby
And putting down so much pressure on that ice pack
That you made cover the flame on my heart.
As if ice could really freeze and get rid of fire.
Skip a few years and you would repeatedly use
Sharp objects against me.
You made me bleed.
That doesn't mean you left physical scars.
Scratches and bruises are only temporary after all.
You used the blades of objects
That shouldn't have ever been weapons
To make my blood show externally and not only internally.
You were wrong again.
Making me bleed didn't get rid of the fact that
Fierdan and Soulless are parts of my existence.
You forced me to carry objects that
Should have been too heavy for me to lift up.
You really thought those objects would crush my body.
As if crushing me would get rid of Fierdan's work.
As if crushing me would devoid me of oxygen.
Fire can only burn if there is oxygen after all.
But I continued to live despite that.
When I was nine years old,
You pushed me into that old basement.
You locked me in there for a whole twelve hours.
There was no air circulation, so there was no heating unit.
It was in the middle of the winter.
Your previous attempts have failed,
So you thought this one would work.
But look at me.
I'm still here.
It was so damn cold down there.
You made me fear basements.
Did you tell Taurel to take me to the Tall Tower's basement by any chance?
I didn't know how to use fire to my advantage back then.
I didn't even know I had actual fire within me.
So I didn't do anything.
Or maybe I did.
Because I didn't lose a significant amount of body heat.
Not this time and not in those previous times.
You didn't freeze my body.
You didn't get rid of the fire.
Because you never killed me.
Or maybe you knew this all along.
And this is another sick way of you
Protecting and loving me.
In an attempt to fix me and turn me normal,
You ended up breaking me.
I guess that in order to fix certain things,
They need to be broken.
To this day,
I still don't know how to feel about you.
Because to tell you the truth,
I hate you.
I love you.
You tried to kill me several times.
You saved my life despite all that and how I was a burden on you.
In your thesaurus, fixing and destroying, and saving and killing are synonyms.
I barely understand myself, so I definitely can't understand your logic.
You're a messed up person who made me even more messed up.
Despite what you desperately say to me,
What you did wasn't okay.
None of it was okay.
Just because you saved my life doesn't mean I forgive you.
A person like you is unforgivable.
You wouldn't even tell me why.
Until they were after me.
But you were still late.
You aren't my comfort.
You did the opposite of keeping me safe.
You're a filthy hypocrite.
You thought you had saved me.
But you were too late.
I couldn't have been saved.
Nothing can save me.
Especially not you.
I am Fierdan.
If you hate him, then you hate me equally as much.
I'm not that perfect child you planned on having.
We're both cursed individuals.
Let it go.
The past can't be undone.
What Fierdan did sticks to me.
What you did to me sticks to me.
Your actions are just as permanent as his.
It's way too late for you to delete your actions.
You can't fix me for real.
I won't let you.
I promised that I would hurt the people who hurt me.
I kept that promise for you too.
You're the first person to make my life hell.
You're not a mother.
You're a monster.
You're unforgivable.
I will always be afraid of you.
I hate you.
Your son.
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