hmm huh -+

Hello there. It is I. Cutepups.

Oh I guess I should mention that the weird right side of my body pain has mostly gone away by now. So that's one good thing.

I'm such a mess lol pls help.

For two days, I've been staying isolated in my room without going anywhere else. Laying down so much. Afternoon naps.

Yeah. That's bad. I'm bad. Mm oh no.

I was very sad and bad feelings before but then I stared at that gross tumblr app for quite a few hours. I hate myself lmao.

One week until school starts. Oh no. 

Haha, I can mentally and physically feel my mental health going downhill. Mm. :'^)

I might.. uh.. not have enough Vitamin D. Lol whoops. 

(Disclaimer: I didn't even laugh or say "lol" when I typed "lol" and "Lol" in this post.)

I had to get so many shots this year. Ugh heck.

I had a blood test at this time last year, but now I'm being told that I'm gonna get another blood test in one of the next few days. I hate, I hate! 

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! :"} 

I have so many regrets, you guys have no idea how much I hate myself. Like omg why me why.

I might have been able to get real help. But no, say that crap instead. 

Hhhhh aaaaaaaahhhhh !!!!!!! :-)) 

I wanted to vent using poetry, but I don't have the motivation to write good enough poetry to my standards right now.

I hate thinking that everyone who has interacted with me and actually knows me actually hates me. I mean haha, irrational thinking oh boyy.

I'm a stubborn burden I guess. I mean that must be true to some degree since I'm told that basically every day now.

I reach out. People don't hear me or they pretend they don't. Are they ignoring me? Or are they actually busy? I don't know! What do I get so worked up over? Why am I worrying so much over this crap? Why?!

They've got their own problems to attend to, Cutepups, so stfu.

Oh and my name. I keep on getting more and more annoyed and disconnected with my real name. I just hate hearing it by certain people sometimes. Like most of the time. Which is pretty bad.

The only S name I like right now is Spirit. Which is a word and not even a name. But oh well.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Anyone else wish they could just take off their boobs at will? Cus that's like mood. 

So I'm broke af. So you think that would make me want a job more than anything else right now? Wrong. The idea of getting a job is terrifying and after applying to so many and getting too anxious to call back or anything, I'm getting nowhere. 

Haha anyways.

I never liked having boobs. They and bras made me uncomfortable a little. Or a lot.. idk. So I don't own that many bras because screw it. Well, one of them broke. I mean I guess you could call being stabbed in the ribs by one of those wires or whatever the hell they're called can mean it's broken. And now I've been wearing the few other bras I have. And well, they're uh.. small.

I am the definition of healthy living! XD 

Sometimes my chest just aches when I think about having one. By that, I mean having a chest. Haha wtf Cutepups. XD 

Kinda want to buy me some sports bras to try a trick. ;) xxxxxx////\\\\\\

Breaking self is the mood, lads. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. :"0 

(By few, I mean 3 regular bras. XD) 

What else......?

I got this spam comment on my previous post. Yeah umm.. I don't give a crap if my post title isn't that well for advertising. That post wasn't typed for me to try to sell my blog and its products to you. Wtf.

I'm fine with keeping that post title as "trashy updates" thank you very much. 

(Sometimes) I'm not a fan of being alive (in this human form). :-] 

Oh wait! W-Wait just a minute! Positivity statements. :) 

I like.. about myself.. me:

1. I like how people think I'm funny online.

2. I like trying to make others happy and positive. (Me- ??)

3. I like how I'm better at replying to my friends' texts now.

4. I like how my story plans are much better now than what they were 2 years ago.

5. I think my skits are funny. I like them.

6. I like that I passed my driver's test despite failed attempts. Failed once doesn't mean failure forever.

7. I passed all my classes in high school. So far. Haha.

8. I like how Sunshine (my dog) listens to me more now.

9. I like how my online friends/mutuals think I'm a nice, cool, and funny person.

10. I like how I'm slowly improving my art (drawings).

There, those are ten positive self-affirmations. Yay. :+) 

Yeah idk what else to say. 

--------------

Bonus: <3 

Just like how Spirit is another online name I go by, so is Blue. Blue is another word for sad.

Blue Filter (Part II):

I'm sick of being blue 

I hate this filter

This blue filter

That covers my body and soul

I'm growing tired of all this

Blue paint that has tainted my skin

Blue is better than monochrome 

I said I would never become monochrome again 

But I keep on breaking promises

I'm made of broken promises 

I lied and I lied

I'm hiding the fact that

I never actually got any better

I hid my fears in this monochrome shell

Of who I once was 

Take off the blue filter

Wipe me clean of the blue paint

And you'll see that

I never did break that monochrome shell

I can't get rid of it 

It will always be a part of me

Without that and my blue exterior

Then I'll be nothing at all

The other colors never learned how to stick

They disappear under just one wash

Oh I'm sick of being blue

I'm sick of being monochrome to my core

This time I'll tell the truth

I'm ready to drown in all the different colors 

The world has to offer 

Because I'm so sick of being

Blue

Because now I want to be a 

Rainbow 

So get rid of the filter 

Let every color seep through the cracks

I want to feel different emotions

I want to be different colors

I'm done with saying

Filter me blue

Now drown me in all the colors

And don't you dare let me 

Hold myself back 

.........

11. I like this poem.